Praveer Kumar's Blog - Posts Tagged "novel"
The Unseen Dream
It was getting late enough to be worried. I once again stepped into the balcony and looked down. Except for a drenched street dog that was lying down miserably near the gate, there was not a soul to be seen anywhere. Rain water had puddled under the lamp post. A breeze ruffled through the mango tree in the courtyard and a few twigs fell down and broke. Thunder rumbled in the distance. Did I hear a soft knock at the door? I turned back towards the source of the sound. I was hoping desperately that it was not one of those hallucinations. A part of my brain was saying that the knock was simply the manifestation of my desire to see her. But it seemed that I had lost faith in my brain. As far as I could see, it had failed me monumentally. Whatever my heart said, it was hard to believe that I heard a knock. For the last thirty minutes, I had been searching for a human figure amidst the darkness of the street, through the balcony, to no avail. Surely, I didn’t miss anyone who would have walked hundred paces down the lane, unlatched the gate of the house, climbed the stairs and knocked on the door. And why knock? There was a door bell instead.
The heart has its strange ways. Present it with hundred different logics and it will hang on to that one last ray of hope with the most absurd reasoning. It forced me to go and check the door. And there she was! Sitting on the steps with her back towards the door. She heard me open the door and turned her head. I did not want to see those contradictory of emotions in her eyes. Hollow yet filled with the most eternal form of love. As thunder struck somewhere in heavens, realization dawned on me. She was sitting there all along. I didn’t miss anyone but she must have been sitting there for at least an hour. And I knew exactly why. She could not muster courage to face destiny. But she had to and must have gathered herself to knock. Remembering the call bell was a luxury. And then it happened. The smile on those beautiful lips. I can’t remember since when she has charmed me with this smile. Suddenly, the thunderstorm had stopped and a cool breeze was calming the rain soaked atmosphere. I tried to smile but couldn’t withhold my tears when she gave the warmest of hugs anyone could imagine. I was worried for her but when it was about me, she could be extraordinarily brave. The night would bring the thunder to the deep annals of my brain.
As the sun rose today trying to break its way through the dark gloomy cloud cover, I felt the pain of my deeds last night. I had made her part ways with the most precious possession of hers. I don’t know if I am reeling in guilt or in inebriation of triumph. She had held onto it for as long as I could remember. The last connection with her soul mate was severed. The diamond in the gold chain was worth a fortune. She says he always used to wear it beneath his shirt. Carrying on the legacy of his forefathers, it was the last memento of their wealth. He had always refused to sell it in spite of the financial instability he was going through. How can a man be fool enough to give so much importance to material items? Man, I suppose, is designed naive. On the dreadful day, as she once told me, he left for some foreign country in search of a better living. I don’t know if it is my condition that I don’t remember his destination or if I really want to remember. She said that he went away for her. How foolish of her? Is it only money that matters? You leave your roots, your loved ones far behind and try to compensate for it by refilling their bank accounts monthly. She says he went for her, for family. I can’t see if there was any family. I remember her telling me that she was in tears trying to hold her composure and strength. But how strong could an eighteen year old girl be? Yes, eighteen and pregnant. He gave her the necklace before saying bye. I felt a rage burning inside me on hearing this. The compensation was paid. Can love be so blinding? Did it never cross her mind that he abandoned her? She never thought so and fortunately she would never find out. Barely ten minutes after the good bye kiss, he left the mortal world in a tragic road accident. The girl, the woman was devastated to every last corner of her soul. Death is not cruel. It is subtle. It lets you live before suddenly, without any hint, it arrives. No one expects to die but very few live. Life had not even started for her.
She was dragging her body, her soul in the dark clutches of life hoping for the fangs of death to free her. And one thunderous rainy day like yesterday, I happened to her. I wish I could feel proud that I gave her a reason to live once again. I became her world. Not in her wildest dreams, she would have imagined the suffering she is going through now.
They say I have this unique condition. Not condition. Curse to be specific. Ondine’s curse. To hell with the legend associated with it. To put it bluntly and simply, my brain forgets to tell my lungs to breathe when I am asleep. So I have to be awake all the time or die sleeping. The condition is rare considering that only about thousand such cases exist in the world at present. I had hard time learning the technical name of it. Central hypoventilation syndrome. To be honest, it was all very exciting for me in the beginning. I should not sleep else I would suffer respiratory arrest. That sounded inspirational. My days would be longer. I always thought that sleeping was just a waste of time. So much can be done in those unutilized hours. I was intrigued that I would not have to think anymore about sleeping. I could not have been more wrong. Slowly it started to take its toll. Initially, I could afford taking naps in short intervals. She would always be my side ready to awake me before my condition resulted in seizure of respiration. She would literally drag me back to life every single night. I do not understand even today, amidst all this, when did she find time to sleep? Needless to say, she has devoted her life to keep this poor soul alive. But things are getting worse. Soon, I will not be able to take those short quick naps on my own. They are saying I will not be able to breathe as soon as I fall asleep. Either way, I am dying. If the curse doesn’t kill me, I will die because of lack of sleep. The only way to prolong my life is artificial respiration while I am sleeping. But such a ventilator will cost huge sum of money. Moreover, it will require electrical back up. Money again. If this is not enough, a portable ventilator has to be carried with me always in case I doze off while travelling. Grim just got grimmer.
In one of those sleepless or rather I should say, intermittent sleeping nights, I had seen the weak her. She had gone to the other room thinking that I had just fallen asleep. I got up and walked close to the door. How much I wish I had not taken that tip toed walk. She was all the strength I had amidst the frustration of not being able to enjoy the most trivial joys of life like sleeping. It takes a major jolt to realize how crucial the smallest of happiness is to life in general. I had never seen her in her vulnerable self. It sent shivers down my spine. I was afraid for her for the first time in my life. She was embodiment of strength to me after all that had happened. And there she was. Helplessly crouching on the floor with head buried in her lap. I could hear her sobs. She was complaining to god with her voice sinking in her tears. I don’t know if there is a god but I am certain that if there was one, he or she has been seriously unfair to her. I knew at that instant that she had lost all her hope. I felt a vacuum inside me. But I could not lose so easily. And then the decision was taken on my part. I knew exactly what needed to be done. It was my last chance for redemption of a life.
She had seen enough. Yes, she had made her share of mistakes. She blindly trusted a man. But teenage is such. I don’t blame her more than that despicable man. I wish he hadn’t died. I would not have let him live then. She loved him but in his death, he had hollowed her. Eventually life gave her a purpose in me. A dying purpose. Our financial condition was in shambles to say the least. Whatever little she earned by doing any petty jobs she could find, she had to spend it on the rent of these two small rooms and useless medical consultancies combined with medical prescriptions. I wanted desperately to help her but as life turned out, I was of no use. She could still turn things around. But she chose not to. I tried to talk her into selling that diamond studded necklace. She would never succumb to my luring. In her opinion, she had enough and was doing well with my treatment. Deep within, she didn’t want to separate with his last memories. Recent developments made her act otherwise. My condition had deteriorated exponentially and I needed artificial respiration in the form of a ventilator at the earliest. She could neither deny nor delay it now.
Yesterday was the day for her. She had to go to the most trusted jeweler of the town to sell the necklace. It had rained like there would not be another day for the clouds to quench the thirst of earth. The streetlights were fighting hard to make their presence felt but they were reduced to a meager speck of hazy yellow dimming in a distance. The usual noise and hustle of the street were overpowered by the sound of the rain pelting in its thunderous mood. She walked away from my eyes holding tightly to her umbrella in a fearsome gale. It was a walk all by herself in a brave attempt to reverse destiny by letting go of the past. A faint sound had forced my eyes to wander briefly to the other side of the street where a completely drenched mother was struggling to keep her child safe from the catastrophic rain. She was holding his hands strongly so that he would not run away from the confines of a leaking tattered polythene roof of a shelter they called home. The child’s joy could be heard in his innocent laughter when he freed one of his hands from his mother and outstretched it to feel the rain drops falling on his open palm. I could instantly feel a connection with the little soul who wanted to be out in the rain. As I turned back to my life and saw her vanish out of the street, I stood there thoughtless and bare in the balcony, in the middle of the rain of a lifetime but surprisingly not a single drop of rain could reach my soul. When she returned late in the evening, sitting probably for an hour at the door before knocking, she had the cheque with her.
And today as I got up, I knew exactly what to do. She had to go to deposit the cheque in the bank. The ventilator would be arranged in a couple of days. She could afford leaving me at my own during day time for a couple of hours. My intermittent night sleeps would ensure that I could survive through the day without falling asleep. Time was fast running short for me. Now even half an hour of unaided sleep could be fatal. Yester night she kept checking on me every fifteen minutes. I feel so sorry for her. She prepared my breakfast and promised me to be back in two hours. She didn’t serve me as taking out the breakfast from the kitchen myself would keep me engaged. I watched her mesmerizing smile and the comforting blackness in her eyes while I waved her bye. What could I do without her? She meant the world to me. She had reminded me not to sleep before leaving.
Now as I lock the door, I feel a sense of salvation. Instead of going to the kitchen, I have come to my bed. I always wanted to dream. I dream of a dream that has a mesmerizing charm associated with it. It takes me to a different world. A world where the soothing cool breeze will never forget to caress my face to bring a smile. A smile which is devoid of any sense of accomplishment but is just a manifestation of calm existence. An existence where there are no hassles of pursuing happiness but is defined by unadulterated purity. A purity of the inner self which forgoes the tantrums of humanity and finds the meaning in the smallest of moments. Moments which make you realize that some dreams may not come true but it is worth dreaming. A moment which does not define your life but provides you with the eternity of a lifetime. And I had that moment when I saw in her eyes the contradictory emotions last night. Such pure love she bestowed upon me. It is time for me to reciprocate.
She is still young and has a lifetime ahead of her. She has been brave but suffered all these years. She has never seen happiness in her poverty. Now she has money but has to buy life support system for me. What will I be other than a living burden or to put in better terms, man who is dead but is being kept alive artificially. I want her life to improve with all that money. May be she will find someone. Maybe not. But at least she will have a comfortable life. She is the strongest woman I have known but it will be difficult for her to get over me. Eventually when she does, she will have the money. Whatever happens, she will be saved from dying several deaths everyday seeing me and my deteriorating condition. I am not a coward but I have to do this. It has been nearly fifteen years since she gave birth to me that thunderous day. A single mother who carried my burden for so long. It is time for me to free her. As I lie down to fall into my final sleep, I know I will not be able to wake up with her not around. I promise you Ma that I am doing it for you. Finally, I can sleep peacefully and I will dream of you Ma. I will dream of you relaxed and happy. My eyes are getting heavy. Sleeping is so liberating. I love you Ma.
Cafe Indulge
The heart has its strange ways. Present it with hundred different logics and it will hang on to that one last ray of hope with the most absurd reasoning. It forced me to go and check the door. And there she was! Sitting on the steps with her back towards the door. She heard me open the door and turned her head. I did not want to see those contradictory of emotions in her eyes. Hollow yet filled with the most eternal form of love. As thunder struck somewhere in heavens, realization dawned on me. She was sitting there all along. I didn’t miss anyone but she must have been sitting there for at least an hour. And I knew exactly why. She could not muster courage to face destiny. But she had to and must have gathered herself to knock. Remembering the call bell was a luxury. And then it happened. The smile on those beautiful lips. I can’t remember since when she has charmed me with this smile. Suddenly, the thunderstorm had stopped and a cool breeze was calming the rain soaked atmosphere. I tried to smile but couldn’t withhold my tears when she gave the warmest of hugs anyone could imagine. I was worried for her but when it was about me, she could be extraordinarily brave. The night would bring the thunder to the deep annals of my brain.
As the sun rose today trying to break its way through the dark gloomy cloud cover, I felt the pain of my deeds last night. I had made her part ways with the most precious possession of hers. I don’t know if I am reeling in guilt or in inebriation of triumph. She had held onto it for as long as I could remember. The last connection with her soul mate was severed. The diamond in the gold chain was worth a fortune. She says he always used to wear it beneath his shirt. Carrying on the legacy of his forefathers, it was the last memento of their wealth. He had always refused to sell it in spite of the financial instability he was going through. How can a man be fool enough to give so much importance to material items? Man, I suppose, is designed naive. On the dreadful day, as she once told me, he left for some foreign country in search of a better living. I don’t know if it is my condition that I don’t remember his destination or if I really want to remember. She said that he went away for her. How foolish of her? Is it only money that matters? You leave your roots, your loved ones far behind and try to compensate for it by refilling their bank accounts monthly. She says he went for her, for family. I can’t see if there was any family. I remember her telling me that she was in tears trying to hold her composure and strength. But how strong could an eighteen year old girl be? Yes, eighteen and pregnant. He gave her the necklace before saying bye. I felt a rage burning inside me on hearing this. The compensation was paid. Can love be so blinding? Did it never cross her mind that he abandoned her? She never thought so and fortunately she would never find out. Barely ten minutes after the good bye kiss, he left the mortal world in a tragic road accident. The girl, the woman was devastated to every last corner of her soul. Death is not cruel. It is subtle. It lets you live before suddenly, without any hint, it arrives. No one expects to die but very few live. Life had not even started for her.
She was dragging her body, her soul in the dark clutches of life hoping for the fangs of death to free her. And one thunderous rainy day like yesterday, I happened to her. I wish I could feel proud that I gave her a reason to live once again. I became her world. Not in her wildest dreams, she would have imagined the suffering she is going through now.
They say I have this unique condition. Not condition. Curse to be specific. Ondine’s curse. To hell with the legend associated with it. To put it bluntly and simply, my brain forgets to tell my lungs to breathe when I am asleep. So I have to be awake all the time or die sleeping. The condition is rare considering that only about thousand such cases exist in the world at present. I had hard time learning the technical name of it. Central hypoventilation syndrome. To be honest, it was all very exciting for me in the beginning. I should not sleep else I would suffer respiratory arrest. That sounded inspirational. My days would be longer. I always thought that sleeping was just a waste of time. So much can be done in those unutilized hours. I was intrigued that I would not have to think anymore about sleeping. I could not have been more wrong. Slowly it started to take its toll. Initially, I could afford taking naps in short intervals. She would always be my side ready to awake me before my condition resulted in seizure of respiration. She would literally drag me back to life every single night. I do not understand even today, amidst all this, when did she find time to sleep? Needless to say, she has devoted her life to keep this poor soul alive. But things are getting worse. Soon, I will not be able to take those short quick naps on my own. They are saying I will not be able to breathe as soon as I fall asleep. Either way, I am dying. If the curse doesn’t kill me, I will die because of lack of sleep. The only way to prolong my life is artificial respiration while I am sleeping. But such a ventilator will cost huge sum of money. Moreover, it will require electrical back up. Money again. If this is not enough, a portable ventilator has to be carried with me always in case I doze off while travelling. Grim just got grimmer.
In one of those sleepless or rather I should say, intermittent sleeping nights, I had seen the weak her. She had gone to the other room thinking that I had just fallen asleep. I got up and walked close to the door. How much I wish I had not taken that tip toed walk. She was all the strength I had amidst the frustration of not being able to enjoy the most trivial joys of life like sleeping. It takes a major jolt to realize how crucial the smallest of happiness is to life in general. I had never seen her in her vulnerable self. It sent shivers down my spine. I was afraid for her for the first time in my life. She was embodiment of strength to me after all that had happened. And there she was. Helplessly crouching on the floor with head buried in her lap. I could hear her sobs. She was complaining to god with her voice sinking in her tears. I don’t know if there is a god but I am certain that if there was one, he or she has been seriously unfair to her. I knew at that instant that she had lost all her hope. I felt a vacuum inside me. But I could not lose so easily. And then the decision was taken on my part. I knew exactly what needed to be done. It was my last chance for redemption of a life.
She had seen enough. Yes, she had made her share of mistakes. She blindly trusted a man. But teenage is such. I don’t blame her more than that despicable man. I wish he hadn’t died. I would not have let him live then. She loved him but in his death, he had hollowed her. Eventually life gave her a purpose in me. A dying purpose. Our financial condition was in shambles to say the least. Whatever little she earned by doing any petty jobs she could find, she had to spend it on the rent of these two small rooms and useless medical consultancies combined with medical prescriptions. I wanted desperately to help her but as life turned out, I was of no use. She could still turn things around. But she chose not to. I tried to talk her into selling that diamond studded necklace. She would never succumb to my luring. In her opinion, she had enough and was doing well with my treatment. Deep within, she didn’t want to separate with his last memories. Recent developments made her act otherwise. My condition had deteriorated exponentially and I needed artificial respiration in the form of a ventilator at the earliest. She could neither deny nor delay it now.
Yesterday was the day for her. She had to go to the most trusted jeweler of the town to sell the necklace. It had rained like there would not be another day for the clouds to quench the thirst of earth. The streetlights were fighting hard to make their presence felt but they were reduced to a meager speck of hazy yellow dimming in a distance. The usual noise and hustle of the street were overpowered by the sound of the rain pelting in its thunderous mood. She walked away from my eyes holding tightly to her umbrella in a fearsome gale. It was a walk all by herself in a brave attempt to reverse destiny by letting go of the past. A faint sound had forced my eyes to wander briefly to the other side of the street where a completely drenched mother was struggling to keep her child safe from the catastrophic rain. She was holding his hands strongly so that he would not run away from the confines of a leaking tattered polythene roof of a shelter they called home. The child’s joy could be heard in his innocent laughter when he freed one of his hands from his mother and outstretched it to feel the rain drops falling on his open palm. I could instantly feel a connection with the little soul who wanted to be out in the rain. As I turned back to my life and saw her vanish out of the street, I stood there thoughtless and bare in the balcony, in the middle of the rain of a lifetime but surprisingly not a single drop of rain could reach my soul. When she returned late in the evening, sitting probably for an hour at the door before knocking, she had the cheque with her.
And today as I got up, I knew exactly what to do. She had to go to deposit the cheque in the bank. The ventilator would be arranged in a couple of days. She could afford leaving me at my own during day time for a couple of hours. My intermittent night sleeps would ensure that I could survive through the day without falling asleep. Time was fast running short for me. Now even half an hour of unaided sleep could be fatal. Yester night she kept checking on me every fifteen minutes. I feel so sorry for her. She prepared my breakfast and promised me to be back in two hours. She didn’t serve me as taking out the breakfast from the kitchen myself would keep me engaged. I watched her mesmerizing smile and the comforting blackness in her eyes while I waved her bye. What could I do without her? She meant the world to me. She had reminded me not to sleep before leaving.
Now as I lock the door, I feel a sense of salvation. Instead of going to the kitchen, I have come to my bed. I always wanted to dream. I dream of a dream that has a mesmerizing charm associated with it. It takes me to a different world. A world where the soothing cool breeze will never forget to caress my face to bring a smile. A smile which is devoid of any sense of accomplishment but is just a manifestation of calm existence. An existence where there are no hassles of pursuing happiness but is defined by unadulterated purity. A purity of the inner self which forgoes the tantrums of humanity and finds the meaning in the smallest of moments. Moments which make you realize that some dreams may not come true but it is worth dreaming. A moment which does not define your life but provides you with the eternity of a lifetime. And I had that moment when I saw in her eyes the contradictory emotions last night. Such pure love she bestowed upon me. It is time for me to reciprocate.
She is still young and has a lifetime ahead of her. She has been brave but suffered all these years. She has never seen happiness in her poverty. Now she has money but has to buy life support system for me. What will I be other than a living burden or to put in better terms, man who is dead but is being kept alive artificially. I want her life to improve with all that money. May be she will find someone. Maybe not. But at least she will have a comfortable life. She is the strongest woman I have known but it will be difficult for her to get over me. Eventually when she does, she will have the money. Whatever happens, she will be saved from dying several deaths everyday seeing me and my deteriorating condition. I am not a coward but I have to do this. It has been nearly fifteen years since she gave birth to me that thunderous day. A single mother who carried my burden for so long. It is time for me to free her. As I lie down to fall into my final sleep, I know I will not be able to wake up with her not around. I promise you Ma that I am doing it for you. Finally, I can sleep peacefully and I will dream of you Ma. I will dream of you relaxed and happy. My eyes are getting heavy. Sleeping is so liberating. I love you Ma.
Cafe Indulge
