Mariane Reign's Blog

       I have not been myself for the past couple of days. I have felt worthless, helpless, friendless, lonely, unproductive, and insufficient. But of course, I never outright show it. I have practiced the art of smiling like everything’s okay and I believe I have mastered it. I battle with the painful thoughts of not being able to help financially, poorly fulfilling what is expected of me, and not being able to have (or probably want) someone to confide all of these stressful things to. You see, since I was a kid, I have always been self-sufficient when it comes to my feelings. I have always believed that I am the only person who will understand me and the only person who can make me feel better. I have unresolved insecurities and fluctuating feelings of learned helplessness that are sometimes uncontrollable.
    A part of me has always been impulsive, attention-seeking, and envious. I yearn for the immediate gratification of my wants, desire to be noticed and appreciated by people, and try to compensate on things that I want and envy from others. All of these things root from my childhood. These confessions may put me under the eye of criticism but I’m a work in progress and these are my weaknesses. I work on them. I try my best to prevent these negative feelings from consuming me. Everyday, I ask God for strength to accept the things and situations that I can’t have and experience. That I may be able to honestly feel happy for the success of others that I’ve always wanted to have,That I may be able to understand misunderstood people,That I may be able to bear the idiosyncrasies of others as they deal with mine,That I may be humble in times when my pride is roaring out of its cage,That I may be able to appreciate the little beautiful things that life and people has to offer,That I may be able to spread the love I receive or maybe even more,That I may be patient with God’s plans for me,That I may be able to accept and be thankful for who I am and who and what I have, andThat I may be able to find happiness and contentment in everything that I am and have.
    I can’t really deny the fact that I don’t have a lot of real friends even if I really wish I had. But I’m really thankful for the few ones that I have. Frankly, I don’t even have a specific group in which I could identify myself with. And sometimes, it gets frustrating. Sometimes, I yearn to belong somewhere, not just sitting here on my own. Although I’m a really good company to myself, sometimes...well, a lot of times, I also need someone to talk to.
    I think another factor that affected this feeling is this bloody board exams. Gaaahd. I’m so stressed with just the thought of it and sometimes, I just want to strangle people who mention it to me. Don’t get me wrong, I have my daily dose of psychology books. I read, take note, and take online quizzes. I just really don’t know what will happen with my board exam and that gives me extra stress hormones.
These are recurring feelings for the past few months. Most of the time, I just cry. And then I turn to the bible. It’s always been a habit of mine to pick a verse from the bible, opening it and reading the first verse that catches my eyes. I would then consider it as God’s message for me. Surprisingly, the verses I was able to read for the past three days hit me. I posted them below just in case you’re also in need of uplifting.

Hi. Wow. It's been seven months since I wrote something in here. I used to really think this is my turf and I would spill all my guts in here but well, there are just too many times when thinking is much much easier than typing things down. Let me tell you how my six months went.

It feels like it's been years. Will it be weird if I tell you that a lot has changed within those seven months? For instance, I just left my teenage years this year--I turned 20. I was also able to face my thesis defense nicely and was even asked to present our thesis in our college's colloquium. I have complied all requirements for our practicum and passed all my subjects. In short, I just survived college. Let me tell you, however, how it feels like to desperately WANT to graduate from college and how it feels like to ACTUALLY graduate from college.

Since I started college, my main goal was to graduate on time (in our course, that would be four years). That's the reason why I was scared of failing quizzes, reports, oral recitations, practical exams, and paper works. That's also the reason why I worked my butt off over mind-boggling psychology-related paper works and spent sleepless nights trying to make them right. You see, when you're studying, your proximate goals would include passing those I mentioned above and your main goal is to graduate together with your friends. Well, atleast that was mine's. Back in college, I never thought of anything else but passing everything (on time if possible). Then my days would just be spent surviving the rest of it and enjoying my teenage life when I have time. I chillax because I know I can do it and I know that the school and our teachers put us on top priority because we pay our tuition fees and that's basically where their salary comes from. Sometimes, I don't study for quizzes on our minor subjects because I know there'll be an instance where we'll be given a chance to copy answers. Sometimes I don't bother reading ahead for the next lesson because I know my friends are there to back me up when I get called for oral recitation. Sometimes, I just don't do my assignments and just go to school early to copy it from a classmate. I held a lot of comfort during college because I know we will be taken cared of and we will be given chances. So my head was focused on just surviving college. I always thought, "Konti nalang, Ruth, ga-graduate ka na." Each year, I whisper those words to myself whenever I think of giving up. But I never really asked myself this question: "Ano tapos?" Yes.  Two words but they managed to silence the bedevil out of me. I was so focused on graduating that I never really thought about what would I do when I finally reach my main goal.

And so it happened. I wore my toga up the stage, received my diploma and was greeted with congratulations wherever I go. But when I went home and was asked: "What are your plans now?" I went speechless. Yes, Ruth. What now? I was fed with a couple of job interviews while I was home and went through them unprepared and unsure of what I really wanted. My, the pressure of the real world was suffocating. Yes, what they said were true. The real world was harsh. Because basically, now, I'm just a part of the unemployed people of the Philippines. And it didn't feel good. Not at all.

Let me give you examples on what it was like when I was in college and what it is now that I graduated.

When I was in college, my only responsibility was to pass my subjects. Now that I'm a graduate, I am responsible for landing myself in a good job and help with the payments at home.

When I was in college, it was very very okay for me to just sit around the house and watch TV while everybody worked. Hey, I was a student. I am liable to be a bum. But now that I'm a graduate, even sitting for an hour in front of your television without earning anything felt like a sin.

When I was in college, I listened and got annoyed with everything my parents and sisters said about the bills and the possibilities that we might have to sacrifice our cable in order to pay for our electricity. Those were words that I never took seriously because it's not my responsibility to pay bills. Now that I'm a graduate, every word, every groan, and every irritable expression they said and made in relation to money suffocated and embarrassed me. Because now, I'm supposed to be an added hand in paying bills but then I was there, sitting and being fed without earning anything.

When I was in college, I surf the net nonstop for facebook, twitter, and all those nonsense. But now that I'm a graduate, I spend hours trying to look for a decent job who would hire someone like me who had no license and experience.

When I was in college, I carelessly asked for money from my parents for the petty and worthless things I wanted to buy. But now that I'm a graduate, even the twenty peso bill I ask for my cellphone load embarrasses me. Because now, I should be searching for a job and buying things for them.

When I was in college, I didn't worry about my school works. They can be found in the internet. Now that I'm a graduate, unfortunately, experience, good communication skills, tenacity, and tolerance needed in landing in a good job cannot be purchased or found online.

When I was in college, I never worried about my teachers because I know they cannot hurt us. Their salaries are derived from our tuition fees. But now that I'm a graduate, I realized that the possibility of being downgraded, challenged, and hurt was greater because now, I am a dependent part of the society. I am now the one in need of their services. I am now one of the people who has to endure whatever happens in my workplace in order to be given proper treatment and respect.

To cut the story short, when I was in college, things were done for me. Help was rendered, answers were easily found, and they made sure I was okay. But in the real world, you have to do things for yourself. You're responsible for everything that you do. There won't be a make-up quiz when you flunked a presentation to your boss. There won't be a re-enrollment when you get fired from your work. Your performance evaluation won't be pulled up when you beg your boss to give you higher grades. You can't ask google for everything that you have to do in your workplace. You can just present an excuse letter when you're late or absent, it will go directly to your paycheck. There won't be a sembreak. There won't be a summer vacation. There won't be Christmas breaks.

If you're reading this now and you're a college student, think about what I just wrote. Even if you're a freshmen, I'd suggest you plan what you'll do to your life when you graduate. Prevent yourself from answering "I don't know" when you will be asked about what you plan for your life. Those words are already cliched. Plan as far as you can and try to make it work.

Life doesn't end with a college diploma. It starts there.

I feel good. . No. I feel blessed. I ended 2013 with a warm heart and faced 2014 with yet another. I can say with all confidence that 2013 was a life-changing year for me. In a butterfly’s life stage, I can say that I’m only a couple of tiny steps away from spreading my wings.      The doubts I had about my chosen course two years ago is still clear in my mind. It was not long ago when I told myself “No, Ruth. This is not for you. You can’t do this” and half-decided to switch course. Psychology is a demanding course. And looking back, even I am shocked with how much tenure, perseverance and patience I have shown in the last three years. But this year was like a big “YES!” to my decision of taking up Psychology. My thirst to learn turned into a passion. I cannot remember the day when I started learning from the heart and not from the mind. It’s part of growing up, they say. And yes, I can confidently say that I grew up. I can say it is so because I place more importance in the welfare of others rather than the possible unpleasantness I may feel in doing a deed. I no longer think of the hardships but the lessons I’ll get from them. Most of all, I am willing to take risks with a courageous heart and an open mind.      Our training in Critical Incident Stress Debriefing (CISD) and our exposure to the actual field setting escalated my maturity as an understanding, empathic and open-minded individual. Really, hearing the stories of other people and learning from their experiences and insights can change your life. I handled kids at all three trips. Their age ranges from 3 to 6 years old. And anybody would think a child’s understanding of the situation is petty and almost irrelevant. According to my own observation, the younger the kid, the lesser the impact of the event. Kids are more resilient because they do not (yet) have a full grasp of the magnitude of the event. Nevertheless, their experiences are as relevant as those of their parents. Hearing the kids tell that they saw their family members die clenched my heart. Hearing their stories about seeing their house fall to pieces, trees falling, and roofs flying like kites sent consecutive shivers to my spine. How, I asked, were these kids able to get through such traumatic incidents? They were still able to smile, play and joke around. Their simple wishes of peace, toys, clothes and candies humbled me. Indeed, seeing the world in a child’s eyes is very enlightening.      The pleasure of the thought of helping is light years away from the actual knowledge that you’ve actually helped. When people start saying “Thank you” so sincerely, you start thinking of becoming a better person, I tell you that. It is irreplaceable. Knowing that you’ve touched people’s lives and somehow helped in lessening their burdens can never be equated with gifts. In our series of CISD travels, that’s what I learned: no material thing can replace social support. You cannot buy it, you cannot price it nor bribe for it. True social support and altruism can only be attained with a willing heart.
     This is just yet another step in my life. Yes, I am a butterfly nearing to spreading my wings. I am readied by my experiences and the difficulties and challenges I faced and conquered in my previous stages. And yet, like a butterfly ready to spread my wings, I have a new challenge to face: to fly. 

Everybody has a first love. The first flutter of a butterfly on your stomach, the first time your heartbeat tripled, the first blush, and of course, the first kiss. But sometimes, that's all they'll every gonna be: a memory of all the first wonderful feelings of your life. Sooner or later, you just have to proceed to a second.

The Last Letter for My First Love
Dear you,                        When I confirmed my speculations that you liked me, I felt confused. I was a 13-year-old girl who had a troubled personality, a wrecked emotional state and a hanging sense of independence. The feelings you had for me felt like a threat. But I wasn't afraid of you. I was afraid of the feelings I had for you. I was so afraid it will eat me alive.             You were like a sunshine that walked through that storm of my life and offered your heat in the midst of the coldness and the disastrous state of my being. Having not known what a sunshine could do to me, I refused your offer of light. Nonetheless, you were persistent. You continued to offer me light and happiness even without my consent. And just like that, I fell for your light.             I never thought love was uncontrollable. I thought I could control that form of intense feeling building up within me when you're around. I thought I can stop myself from smiling when you smiled at me, control my tripled heartbeat when you looked at me, and resist your charms when you chose to be charming. Seeing you with other girls, I thought, "He's too good for me." To me, you were perfect, ideal, and complete. And someone as perfect as you should not be with someone like me who was confused, in pain, bothered and pessimistic at that time.             I tried to push you away, hurt you intentionally, and make you feel unimportant so you won't risk yourself with me. Because I was dangerous. I was incomplete and unready and scared. I was so so scared. And you have no idea how tempting it was to just run to you and tell you that you were my only comfort. But I can't. Because you deserved better than me.            I kept denying my feelings for you because I don't want to get hurt. Love hurts, my sister said, when she experienced her first heartbreak with her first boyfriend. I didn't want the same pain and tears she had so I had to deny you. But destiny played a nasty trick. The day you and her became a couple was the day I realized I liked you.             My jealousy was unexplainable. The pain, rage and regret was something I had to bear with everyday. Something I had to hide with a smile when the two of you were around. I can't remember how many times I wished it was my hand you were holding, my eyes you were looking at, my forehead you were kissing and my shoulders you were hugging. There were too many times when I wished I was the one receiving your I love yous, your cares and your affection. And everytime I saw you become sweet to her made me want to just stop going to school and fly to another planet. There were plenty of times when I closed my eyes when the two of you were passing by. You have no idea how hard I tried to stay away from you so I won't slip and tell you I love you.             I loved you even after that. I thought maybe if I improved myself, you'd learn to like me again. I tried shaping back what was distorted so I could say I’m worthy of you. I readied myself for the day I will be able to tell you how much you meant to me. I had to be well-prepared to tell you because if I’d just say it, I know I’ll faint or maybe even back out. Little did I know, while I was preparing to be yours, you were already ready for someone else. I was already out of the equation before I even started solving the problem.The purpose of this letter is to just let go of my feelings for you. You might ask me why it’s so hard for me to let go of you. This is why. You were the reason why I started writing romance novels, the reason why I write to inspire, and I write about love. It was my form of releasing my feelings for you since I can’t tell it to your face. Every hero possessed you, every scene was made with the thought of you, and every happy ending was a wish we’d end up the same. It was my fault why my feelings went deeper than expected. Because unreleased feelings have their own way of consuming you whole.            But now I have to let go. You were a beautiful part of me. Sadly, not all beautiful things last.

 Love,Me

11:50 PM
This was the night I decided to reveal the contents of my heart and the very same night I got it broken.

xoxo, MR

Listen to it here: https://www.twitmusic.com/rymahurt/songs/sweet-serenity-re-recorded

Sweet Serenity

D-A-Bm-GI should be crying, I should be dying.Having her far from me, why am I surviving?Remembering her face, I see my future. Feeling her kisses, my heart has ruptured. She says the harshest words, I hear sweet harmonyHer stares were like sharpened swords, but to me it’s eternity.
Chorus:Oh I’m her daily dose of poisonAll of my life she’s my only reason to liveThe sweetest venom I’m willing to drinkFor in her smiles I’m willing to sink. When she stares at me I’m losing my mind. But when she’s far away I feel like I’m going to die. Please don’t blame meShe’s my tranquilityFor in her memories, I find sweet serenity.
Verse2: I feel like a fool, like a lost baboonFor letting her go, without letting her know.She’s the reason why I dream at nightWaking up and thanking God that I’m still aliveShe pinches like a metal screwdriverBut I feel cottons on my skinShe punches like a professional boxerWith every hit, I feel the love within.
Repeat chorus
Bridge:Bm                        GShe told me it was wrong to love meBm                            GShe told me I should go to hellBm                              GShe told me, “I don’t want you anymore”Bm                                 G Why would I go to hell? When losing                    Aher felt like I’m already there?D   A             Bm  G            A   Yeah. Go to hell. I’m already there.
Repeat Chorus
Chorus2: Oh, she’s my daily dose of heavenAll of my life I’ve dreamed of seeing her walking the aisle.Wearing her wedding dressMy damsel in distressOh  Lord give me strength, I am losing my breathDon’t walk away againDon’t let my life endBe my eternity
For you’re my sweet serenity.

NAPAPTINGIN SI Zhen sa pinto ng hospital room niya nang marinig niyang may pumihit sa door knob. Nanalangin siya na sana ay hindi iyon nurse or worse, doctor. Kung doctor man ay sana si Heather iyon. Mahimbing na natutulog sa tabi niya si Corinne at ayaw niyang paalisin ito ng nurse. Ayaw niyang pakawalan iton kay may iilang pasa itong nadidiinan. Mukhang unti-unti nang nawawala ang bisa ng pain killers niya. Unti-unti nang nanunumbalik ang mga sakit sa iba’t ibang parte ng katawan niya. Ngunit mas nangingibabaw ang sakit na nararamdaman niya para kay Corinne. The facts he found out today made him fume. Hindi niya alam na possible ang gan`on katinding galit sa puso niya. Ngunit hindi siya nagpadala. He can’t do anything to change Corinne’s past. But hell he’ll do whatever it takes to make her future beautiful.Kakaalis lang nila Kuya Flynn, Ate Jarysse at Penelope sa kuwarto niya. They didn’t talk a lot, just wished him well. Ayon sa dalawa niyang kapatid ay sa bahay nalang sila mag-uusap, since he was going to be released the next day and Kuya Flynn was going to stay for a week. Pen said her apologies and told him to take care of Corinne. Lumapit lang din sa kanya si Kuya Flynn para humingi ng tawad sa ginawa ni Alice. Of course, he understood and he wished him well. Iyon ang pagkakapareho nila ni Kuya Flynn, they loved too much. Nakahinga siya ng maluwag nang si Jarvis ang pumasok.             Ngumiti ito sa kanya. “Nakatulog na iyan diyan,” anito na itinuro si Corinne.             Saglit niya itong tiningnan saka siya tumango. “Mukhang pagod na pagod eh.”             “Mambugbog ka ba naman ng isang tao hindi ka mapapagod?”             He glared at his friend.             Itinaas ni Jarvis ang dalawang kamay bilang pagsuko. “Okay, okay. Hindi na ako magsasalita. But in all fairness, Zhen, Corinne was dead worried of you. When you passed out, she started crying. Kung hindi ako nagkakamali, may sampung death threats nang nakapatong sa`yo. One that involves a twisting knife on your chest, a bullet through your brain and I believe castration was mentioned.”             Napangiwi siya. Ugali na talagang maging morbid ni Corinne kapag sobrang nag-aalala ito. “No wedding vows? Wala bang sinabi na, ‘Gumising ka lang at pakakasalan kita?’”             “Wala `tol eh. Isa-suggest ko kay Corinne tapos pabugbog ka ulit baka sakaling magkar`on.”             Natawa ito at siya naman ay napatirik ng mga mata.            “Ano ba kasing sinabi niyo?”             “I had to make my move, man. Hindi ka niya naiintindihan eh. So I explained a little. Pero sigurado akong si Ate Jarysse at Kuya Flynn ang nag-held ng seminar sa kanya sa cafeteria.”             Pumalatak siya saka bumuntong-hininga. “Wala na akong magagawa sa mga in-explain ni Jand Laryssa at ni Kuya Flynn. May tiwala ako sa mga kapatid ko. Pero ikaw…” Naningkit ang mga mata niya.             Idinikta nito isa-isa ang mga kinuwento nito kay Corinne.             Bago pa matapos si Jarvis ay dahan-dahan niyang tinanggal ang braso mula sa pagkakasandal ni Corinne. Inabot niya ang mansanan sa mesa gamit ang kaliwang kamay niya saka binato it okay Jarvis. Nasapol ito sa ulo.             “Aray! Ano ba, `tol?” singhal nito.            “Ba’t mo sinabi iyon?! Sobra-sobra na nga iyong nararamdaman niya, kinonsensya mo pa. You emotionally tortured her.”             Hinimas-himas nito ang parte ng ulo nito na nasapul niya ng mansanas. “Well, we had to. Kinailangan naming klaruhin sa kanya ang sitwasyon dahil sigurado kaming hindi mo ibubunton sa kanya ang mga dapat sabihin sa kanya. And besides, you’re doing a lousy job in making her understand. You can’t just keep loving a person without allowing her to grow, Zhen. Hindi pwedeng tatanggapin mo nalang lahat ng pagkakamali niya nang hindi niya nalalaman na mali iyong ginawa niya.”             “Ayokong masaktan siya.”             “Minsan kailangan mong saktan ang isang tao para matuto siyang umunawa. Kita mo kung s’an ka dinala niyang kamartyr-an mo. You allowed yourself to be a human punching bag, for Petes sake!”             “Atleast hindi ko siya pinagbuhatan ng kamay.”             Magsasalita pa sana si Jarvis pero hindi nito iyon natapos. Agad nagbago ang ekspresyon sa mukha nito.             He muttered a curse under his breath. “I’m sorry, Jarv. Hindi ko sinasadya,” aniya. Alam niyang may isang pagkakataong pinagsisisihan si Jarvis sa buhay nito. At iyon ay ang mapagbuhatan ng kamay ang nobya nitong si Heather. He could still remember the days when Jarvis asked him to punch him. Sa tuwing maaalala nito ang nagawa nito kay Heather ay nagpapasapak ito sa kanya. At first, he was more than willing to oblige. Pero n`ong dumalas na, sinubukan niya nalang kausapin ito.             “Hindi, okay lang.”             Pumalatak siya. “Forget about it, Jarvis. Napatawad ka na naman ni Heather.”             Bumuntong-hininga ito saka nasandal sa pader. “I cook for her everyday; breakfast, lunch dinner. Sinusundo ko siya in every chance I get. I do her reviewers for her major exams, help her re-check all her reports, highlight important details on her book so it’ll be easier for her to take down notes, tuck her to bed each time I can and love her with all my heart and soul.” He smiled bitterly and shook his head. “Pero hindi ko parin mapatawad ang sarili ko, Zhen.”            “Kahit pa nag-three-day military training ka kay Tito Lloyd?” Naaalala niya pa iyong stressed na stressed na mukha ni Jarvis pagkatapos ng tatlong araw kasama ang ama ni Heather na isang lieutenant. Ayon kay Jarvis, kusa itong nagpa-parusa sa ama ni Heather dahil hindi ito makatulog sa gabi.            Bahagya itong tumawa saka tumango. “Oo. Hindi ako makapaniwala na ipinagkatiwala parin sa akin ni Tito si Heather kahit nagawa ko iyon. Habang-buhay kong papatunayan sa kanya kung g`ano ko kamahal `yung bugnutin na iyon.”             “Sinong bugnutin?” ani ng boses mula sa pabukas ng pinto na ikina-ngiwi ni Jarvis. Sumungaw si Heather sa pinto nang nakataas ang isang kilay.             Napakamot ng batok si Jarvis. “Nasabi ko na bang mahal na mahal kita, Doc?” bawi nito. Lumapit ito sa nobya, inakbayan ito at hinalikan ito sa noo.             “One hour ago pa. I feel neglected,” pagbibiro ni Heather nang nakangisi kay Jarvis. Bumaling ito sa kanya. “Your wounds are tender, Ereje. Sisigaw ka sa sakit pag tuluyang nawala ang epekto ng pain killers mo,” anito. “Maya-maya, papasok na dito iyong nurse para sa hapunan mo. You’ll need a new set of pain killers if you’ll remain in that position.”             Tumango siya. “Thank you, Doc Peralta.”            Napatirik lang ito ng mga mata saka tumingin kay Jarvis. “At ikaw, ano nanaman iyong dinadrama mo kay Zhen?”             “Sinasabi ko lang sa kanya kung gaano kita kamahal, sweet,” pakli ni Jarvis. Saglit itong kumaway sa kanya bilang pagpapaalam bago binuksan ang pinto.             “Eh ba’t sa kanya mo sinasabi? Siya ba girlfriend mo?”             “Nire-rehearse ko lang,” naulinigan niyang pakli ni Jarvis nang maisara ang pinto.             Napangiti siya. Gusto niya ng gan`on. A relationship full of fun and love. Countless times of teasing and pissing each other off, and long hours of apologizing to each other.
            Muli niyang binalingan si Corinne. Namamaga parin ang palibot ng mga mata nito. Ngunit kahit gan`on ay ito parin ang pinakamagandang mukha para sa kanya. And he’ll spend that whole hour just looking at her face. He’s a happy man. 

About old friends. Sometimes I ask where are the people I used to call friends. Obviously, we lacked communication which slowly lessened the degree of friendship. I had a fault, too, because obviously, I didn't exert enough effort to keep them. But I think, it's not solely about ME putting effort to keep my friends. It's a two-way game. We should exert effort to keep each other.

Yesterday, I thought it was love. Today, I concluded it was folly. An unrequited love is not love. It's an imaginary feeling characterized by a severe trust on destiny and high levels of hopefulness. How can you love someone that much if you're not meant to be, right? But sadly, love is made up of two people with the same feelings. A one-sided love is a one-sided love. It's full of the wrong kinds of 'what ifs'. What if he's also inlove with me but can't show it? What if he's shy? What if he would develop feelings for me if I'll let him know how I feel? What if he'll fall in love with me? But honey, what if you just stop dreaming and putting reasons behind his ignorance of your feelings and lack of interest? 

Unfortunately, no matter how vast, strong and understanding your love is, your love alone will not withstand a relationship. You're just fooling yourself mooning over a man who cannot appreciate your worth and does not give damn about your existence. 

PS: Sorry, you, you're not worth my feelings.