Unlocking Your Family Patterns: Finding Freedom From a Hurtful Past

by Henry Cloud, Earl Henslin, Alice Brawand

Revised and updated from the original, this honest and forthwright look at families of all shapes and sizes will help you down the path of healing (whether you know you need it or whether you're just not sure). Unlocking Your Family Patterns combines decades worth of counseling wisdom and pastoral care insights into this one practical resource. Your past may hurt, and your family's patterns may have left emotional scars, but your future has not been laid in stone yet. There is hope for healing, there are lessons to learn, and there are paths toward family health. Using clinical, biblical and practical examples to help you uncover the patterns your family has lived in, this book might lead you toward the family u-turn you've been looking for.

Genres: Psychology, Nonfiction, Relationships, Counselling, Self Help, Christian, Mental Health

240 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 1991

About the author

Dr. Cloud has written or co-written twenty-five books, including the two million-seller Boundaries. His most recent books are Boundaries for Leaders and Necessary Endings. He has earned three Gold Medallion awards, and was awarded the distinguished Retailers Choice award for God Will Make A Way.

As president of Cloud-Townsend Resources, Dr. Cloud has produced and conducted hundreds of public seminars around the country. He speaks on relationships—marriage, parenting, dating, personal growth, and spirituality. His seminars are often broadcast live to over two thousand venues at a time.

Reviews

[Jeanie · Rating 3 out of 5]

Strong start with biblical families such as David, Abraham, and Isaac family dysfunctional relationship. I appreciated David's example of a dysfunctional family because it shows what happens when problems arise and it is not dealt with. What was key, is that the whole family had issues. I think that is true with all families that are dysfunctional. It is not just one in the family, it is the whole family that needs to learn to deal with conflict. A family needs to be a place of being free to express their hurts and pain. It also needs the freedom to not be perfect. A family needs grace. Coping is usually done by isolation and not by community. Recovery comes in commuity. As the word indicates, when we confess our sins to one another, healing can begin. This was interesting and also comforting. The book gets overwhelming with all the symptoms of what creates these conditions. It ends with healing process and how Jesus is our example in the Garden of Gestame.

As a christian family, church begins with the family. We need to be a family of healing, rejoicing in good and mourning with each other when one is hurt.

[Andrew · Rating 5 out of 5]

In Unlocking Your Family Patterns, Dr. Henry Cloud, Dave Carder, Dr. Earl Henslin, and Dr. John Townsend explained the path to healing and overcoming your family hurts. Each chapter of the book is written by one of the four authors. The book explored the dynamics of David, Isaac, Jesus, and their family trees. For example, David slept with Uriah's wife, Bathsheba. She becomes pregnant with David's child. He ordered his army to pull back in the battle lines. Uriah is killed and Bathsheba loses the baby. David's son Amnon raped his own sister Tamar. David doesn't comfort the issue of what happened to his daughter and it wasn't discussed and dealt with. Absalom eventually kills Amnon. You have to handle the issues in your life or they get passed to the next generation. The authors proved that they are many things to learn about healing from our pasts. History repeats itself unless we deal with the major issues. Families pass on the concepts of "Don't Talk", "Don't Feel", and "Don't Trust" to multiple generations if the cycle isn't broken. The book also contains discussion questions at the end of each chapter.

I have to say that with the book being written by four different authors they did a wonderful job of tying the material together in a helpful way. This book has immensely taught me the lessons that I don't want to pass down to my kids. I see the need to heal from the past where I can move forward. I would highly recommend this helpful book to everyone. I am starting to see the traits that my family has taught me through the years. I learnt the different levels of bonding in relationships. I tend to stay in level two which is the level where people discuss events but you don't share too much about things you're going through. Walling yourself in and keeping a safe distance from others doesn't help you achieve the intimacy in relationships that you need. The boundaries chapter also greatly opened my eyes. I have a difficult time saying no especially to family members! I would always feel the need to carry their problems and do things I didn't want to do out of guilt. I also had the feelings that I was being selfish if I didn't help them. I realize I'm not setting proper boundaries in the places they need to be placed. I found out I was codependent and not choosing how I want to live my life. The chapter about growing into adulthood was another area that I saw that I struggled with. I was feeling one down to other peers and I always thought I couldn't ever compare to them. I thought they were so much higher up than me. I am starting to go through the process of achieving adulthood! This book really was an enormous life changing book for me. It exposed me to the truth and revealed to me the issues I haven't seen before. If you're struggling to heal from your past family hurts then read this book! If you don't want to repeat something that happened in your family then pick up a copy of this book. It will help you to step forward without letting the pains from your past control your family and the next generation of your family!

"I received this book free from the publisher through the Moody Publishers book review bloggers program."

[TJA · Rating 5 out of 5]

I bought this book because I was attracted to the topic . I didn’t think I had a hurtful past but I certainly wanted to understand family patterns on a general level, however the contents, relevance and depth completely blew my mind away. I was surprised at the discoveries as I started to reflect and self introspect and most importantly changes to make. Part 3 of the book was groundbreaking !!

It’s a life changing book and I highly recommend and would be reading it again so as to entrench the wisdom gain , lessons learnt and adjustments that need to be made .

[Lindsey · Rating 4 out of 5]

I feel like I missed the pace on this book entirely. Mostly because I set the book down and lost it/forgot about it. But really, this book should be read at a pace of 2-3 chapters per week. More than that and the message would get muddled. But spaced too far out and it is hard to get a clear read on the subject. It would also take 2-3 reads through to really get the maximum benefit from the book. It has a lot of similar things to say as "Boundaries", but geared more specifically toward people who maybe didn't have the best childhood.

This is written as interconnected essays. Each chapter is written by a different author. The benefit is that you have several voices hitting different aspects of healing from childhood trauma and broken family systems. Each essay is continually pointing back to the Bible. All the advice is solid. It maybe isn't applicable to every person in every situation- but it is solid advice.

It is also difficult to disentangle extended family from current immediate family as a parent. So while you read, it can be easy to drift to thinking of how you parent, how your inlays act with you, how your friend group interacts with you. That is why I think multiple reads are necessary. It is also a good book to journal through. Each chapter/essay has end thoughts, questions, and assignments.

[Annie Bookworm · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is a great resource for helping families and understanding your own. It covers a variety of helpful topics ideal for self-improvement and to find healing in your family relationships (with your spouse, children and your own relatives). It will definitely tweak your perspective. Definitely recommend 👍🏻

[Emma · Rating 5 out of 5]

Extensive detail covered of family relationships and some of their destructive legacies. Identifies dysfunctional patterns and how to break free of them. Requires careful attention and re-reading of some parts to take advantage of the solutions offered. Very helpful if you want to break the negative cycles passed on from previous generations.

[Eszter Beáta · Rating 5 out of 5]

I think everyone can find help in this book for his/her personal problem especially about the family. This is a very useful book. I recommend to read it for everyone.

Úgy gondolom, mindenki találhat segítséget ebben a könyvben a személyes problémáira, különösen a családdal kapcsolatban. Nagyon hasznos mű, mindenkinek ajánlom az elolvasását.

[Nicole · Rating 5 out of 5]

Amazing. This book pierced me to the heart and made me honestly analyze my own family situation. It was hard at times, but good (particularly the chapter ‘Achieving Adulthood’). I feel like I need to re-read it.

[Crystal · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent. Good info to know. Food for thought. Family systems. Dysfuntion. Bonding types. Shame. Boundaries. All relevant to relationships. Can benefit from this knowledge. I have!

[Sarah Hubbard · Rating 5 out of 5]

Could be very transformative and healing for someone who grew up in a dysfunctional family.

[Sarena Glenn · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent

[Jeannie Campbell · Rating 5 out of 5]

Holy smokes! Every body should read this book, particularly Christian therapists. This is life-changing information. Soul stirring. Motivationally inspiring.

[Stefanie Sage · Rating 2 out of 5]

Sadly this book like so many others falls prey to using the Word of God as an aside rather seeing it as foundational. It is possible to provide sound Biblical counseling while exploring the dysfunctional aspects of family patterns but this is not the book to do so. On several occasions the authors project their own presumptions and speculation onto Biblical record to support their own theory. Scripture is taken out of context and the issue of sin as a root cause of dysfunctional behavior is all but ignored. There are a few helpful reminders about the far reaching effects of early trauma but I would not recommend the book to those seeking a Biblical solution to a hurtful past.

[PsychoSchematics · Rating 4 out of 5]

Have used this for bibliotherapy on several occasions. Starts with Bible references then what patterns can lead to the process of a dysfunctional family. Most useful has been the section of "How to Do It Right When You Learned Wrong." My personal earlier years were thrashed through the involvement with a pastoral dysfunctional family. Appendix B is one of the most powerful sections of the book: "Patterns Predicting Pastoral Infidelity." Reading and understanding the impact of such described behavior allowed me to heal from "sins of the father," which further inspired me in my doctoral studies.
A priceless book! A wonderful tool for the layman to the professional. A+

[Lisa Garner · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a staple on my shelf and there isn't a season of my life that I don't revisit the truths that thread through this book. It has helped me identify my families dysfunction as I work through making changes in my life. There is so much freedom in breaking through the denial and anger to understanding the truth of your hurt and pain. Some of the afflictions in life are given to us without our doing and other afflictions are given because of our own actions. This book helps you know what those are. Break those family generational cycles in your life. Only the truth sets you free.

[William Dillon · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book brings to light all the family drama that we so easily overlook in the Bible - from Abraham to King David - who would have thought these men of God weren't ideal parents? The author does a great job in explaining how the families in the Bible are very relatable to the families of this world and in doing this, many applicable issues are addressed. Let the reader beware, this book can bring out both the best and the worst in you in order to deal with things you may have never noticed before.

[Raymond · Rating 4 out of 5]

A very good book for healing to those have been hurt by their own family or church. Great insights on how dyfunctional families damage a person and ways to recovery from this kinds turmoils. Hope is around the corner and lights will be shinning through once you have gone through the jungle of growth leaded by this book.

[Wannie Michelmann · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of the best books covering case studies of abuse, neglect, forgiveness and healing for adult children of dysfunctional families. The authors impressively cover characters in the bible that suffered abuse and grew up in dysfunction. It is indeed a breath of fresh air for me. Highly recommended.

[Carmie · Rating 1 out of 5]

Poorly written cheesy christian psychology. Very repetitive of information that can be found elsewhere. Very little scientific reference and strong opinionated claims made as if they are facts for a book that is about psychology and recovery.

[Lisa Stone · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very insightful

This was suggested within a different book that I was reading. I'm glad I stuck with reading the entire book. This helped me realize a lot about myself. It provided me the advice and support to change.

[Rita · Rating 4 out of 5]

Interesting insights!

[Libbydale · Rating 4 out of 5]

Excellent!

[P · Rating 5 out of 5]

Changing my way of thinking completely.

[Phubc]

Our copy has a hard red cover

[Nancy Graham · Rating 4 out of 5]

Helpful insights for those haunted by childhood memories and those who care for them.