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Communication Miracles for Couples Easy and Effective Tools to Create More Love and Less Conflict
A lot of books about couples' communication give techniques that are too complicated to actually use, especially in the heat of the moment. Not so with the simple, powerfully effective methods in Communication Miracles for Couples. While the exercises are extremely simple and can be done in a snap, it is mastering these exercises that will transform the quality of a relationship. Whether two people are looking to enhance a good relationship or are deeply mired in problems, these techniques can produce miracles!
Kindle Edition
First published May 31, 1997
442 people are currently reading
952 people want to read
About the author
Jonathan Robinson
19 books6 followersBIO FOR JONATHAN ROBINSON, M.A., M.F.T.
2022 Publisher's Update: Jonathan's latest book is The Enlightenment Project. Check it out here, on Amazon, or on his website.
Jonathan Robinson is a psychotherapist, best-selling author of 14 books, and a professional speaker from Northern California. He has reached over 200 million people around the world with his practical methods, and his work has been translated into 47 languages. Mr. Robinson has made numerous appearances on the Oprah show and CNN, as well as other national TV talk shows.
Jonathan’s most recent book is called The Enlightenment Project: How I Went From Depressed to Blessed, and You Can Too. In it, he shares the best methods, stories, and ideas he’s learned from interviewing 100 spiritual teachers ranging from Deepak Chopra and the Dalai Lama to the late Mother Teresa, Wayne Dyer, and Ram Dass.
As a professional speaker, Mr. Robinson has spoken to companies such as Microsoft, IBM, Coca-Cola, and Google. He is known for providing his audiences with immediately useful and powerful information, presented in an entertaining and motivating manner. Jonathan is the co-host of the podcast Awareness Explorers, and his website is www.The EnlightenmentProject.net. On his site, you can download a free ebook on the easiest and quickest ways to awaken.
2022 Publisher's Update: Jonathan's latest book is The Enlightenment Project. Check it out here, on Amazon, or on his website.
Jonathan Robinson is a psychotherapist, best-selling author of 14 books, and a professional speaker from Northern California. He has reached over 200 million people around the world with his practical methods, and his work has been translated into 47 languages. Mr. Robinson has made numerous appearances on the Oprah show and CNN, as well as other national TV talk shows.
Jonathan’s most recent book is called The Enlightenment Project: How I Went From Depressed to Blessed, and You Can Too. In it, he shares the best methods, stories, and ideas he’s learned from interviewing 100 spiritual teachers ranging from Deepak Chopra and the Dalai Lama to the late Mother Teresa, Wayne Dyer, and Ram Dass.
As a professional speaker, Mr. Robinson has spoken to companies such as Microsoft, IBM, Coca-Cola, and Google. He is known for providing his audiences with immediately useful and powerful information, presented in an entertaining and motivating manner. Jonathan is the co-host of the podcast Awareness Explorers, and his website is www.The EnlightenmentProject.net. On his site, you can download a free ebook on the easiest and quickest ways to awaken.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 58 reviews
January 18, 2021
HIGHLIGHTS:
1. A warm smile tells your partner you're in a good mood, you appreciate her, and you're happy to see her. There's nothing you could say that would be as inviting as a simple smile.
2. When people feel fully accepted, they do their very best to make their partners happy.
3. By not resisting the feelings and thoughts of your mate, you make it impossible for him to maintain an adversarial position toward you. This allows him to go beyond his anger and into the deeper causes of his discomfort.
4. It's also helpful to make your appreciation very specific, precise, and graphic. It's not very effective to express a general appreciation.
5. When your partner is feeling stressed, the best thing you can do is make a "deposit" into his self-esteem bank account. Almost like magic, he will become more agreeable toward you. As he is better able to listen to you with love, you'll feel better too. The destructive cycle will be over.
6. Seek to understand instead of trying to justify yourself. Couples sometimes become cheap in their willingness to invest in listening to their partner. This can create the experience of two people talking and no one listening. More commonly, it leads to the problem of partners who constantly interrupt each other.
7. It's helpful to give your partner at least two possible solutions to choose from even if you really prefer the first choice.
1. A warm smile tells your partner you're in a good mood, you appreciate her, and you're happy to see her. There's nothing you could say that would be as inviting as a simple smile.
2. When people feel fully accepted, they do their very best to make their partners happy.
3. By not resisting the feelings and thoughts of your mate, you make it impossible for him to maintain an adversarial position toward you. This allows him to go beyond his anger and into the deeper causes of his discomfort.
4. It's also helpful to make your appreciation very specific, precise, and graphic. It's not very effective to express a general appreciation.
5. When your partner is feeling stressed, the best thing you can do is make a "deposit" into his self-esteem bank account. Almost like magic, he will become more agreeable toward you. As he is better able to listen to you with love, you'll feel better too. The destructive cycle will be over.
6. Seek to understand instead of trying to justify yourself. Couples sometimes become cheap in their willingness to invest in listening to their partner. This can create the experience of two people talking and no one listening. More commonly, it leads to the problem of partners who constantly interrupt each other.
7. It's helpful to give your partner at least two possible solutions to choose from even if you really prefer the first choice.
March 5, 2012
As a marriage therapist, I'm always looking for books that can streamline the complicated subject of couples communication and make it usable for real people. Robinson hits it out of the park.
He describes his points richly so that you really get it at a gut level and you can see yourself using his tools. The main points are easy to remember, and his how-to's very doable.
His idea of the self-esteem bank account is spot on. We all love to connect with our partners when it makes us feel better about ourselves. If it makes us feel like crap, we naturally find other things to do!
One thing I particularly love is how Robinson describes some non-verbal techniques without making them sound so far-out no normal person would do them.
I always like to be objective and point out the cons as well as the pros, but I honestly can't think of any cons about this book. Well done!
He describes his points richly so that you really get it at a gut level and you can see yourself using his tools. The main points are easy to remember, and his how-to's very doable.
His idea of the self-esteem bank account is spot on. We all love to connect with our partners when it makes us feel better about ourselves. If it makes us feel like crap, we naturally find other things to do!
One thing I particularly love is how Robinson describes some non-verbal techniques without making them sound so far-out no normal person would do them.
I always like to be objective and point out the cons as well as the pros, but I honestly can't think of any cons about this book. Well done!
August 6, 2020
I wanted to get a book about communication in relationships. Surprisingly, there aren't as many as I expected, and many looked quite bad. This seemed the most reasonable one. It's written by Jonathan Robison who is a psychotherapist and has done a fair bit of couples therapy.
The book is divided into 3 parts, each with several chapters that explore the topic and often introduce "techniques" that you can apply. Part 1 is about creating intimacy, part 2 avoiding fights, and part 3 solving problems.
The author focuses a lot on self-esteem. And he argues that many fights happen when the partner is with a low "self-esteem bank account". By making a deposit, with acknowledgment, appreciation, and acceptance, the "balance" will rise and it will make problems easier to deal with. Sometimes this felt overly Adlerian and overblown, but it does play a role, and I was more convinced as I read further.
The biggest problem of communication is that people often talk past each other, and this often happens because the couple gets into a spiral of blame. This is the antithesis of good communication and a lot of the book focuses on bypassing this problem. For example, when a conflict arises, we have a tendency to get defensive. It turns into a combative experience. The goal is to prevent that from happening (or deescalate it when it does). For example, instead of being defensive, being supportive instead (like the example above of trying to raise your partner's self-esteem). The trick is, of course, not getting into blame mode when you always feel that is indeed their fault. The problem is exactly that you feel you're always right. But 1) everyone feels that, and 2) even if that was true, it still doesn't solve the conflict.
The book isn't only theorizing. It does provide practical guidelines. The ones I found most helpful were:
1. Create physical (but non-sexual) intimacy when you're both upset or stressed. Often the problem comes from emotional arousal that would just lead to a heated fight. By relaxing in an intimate matter, either you can later solve the problem in a more clear-headed manner, or the problem disappears completely as the anger fades away.
2. Encourage your partner to fully articulate what exactly they are upset about. You're not allowed to interrupt, and you can only speak once they have announced that they are finished. Do not attempt to debate points mid-way. Make sure they know you are listening and care about what they are struggling with.
3. Be precise in your speech and practical about the problems you are having in the relationship. And when communicating this, be aware that people do get defensive and have a tendency to start playing a blame game. The author gives a formula that I found useful: “When you (briefly describe situation), I feel (sad, hurt, afraid, or impatient) because I (explain the psychological need you have that leads to feeling the way you do).” The point is to give a very practical description of the problem from your perspective and without putting blame on your partner.
4. Master compromise and problem-solving. Describe the problem in a neutral manner, and then ask what they think a good solution is (not your solution, which just drives the point that you just want to do things your way, rather than solving the problem). Attempting to do "test-runs" of solutions may help getting out of unsolvable problems, where you try a compromise that isn't exactly what you want but better than the current situation, and you try it for a limited time (eg 2 weeks).
I found the book helpful. Especially when articulating how to bypassing a "blaming" mindset, and preventing problems from arising to begin with. I also liked that there was a fair bit of anecdotes to exemplify these ideas in real-life. Either from his own relationships or from cases of his clients. However, there were also many things I did not like in the book. Some of the things proposed honestly just look like they wouldn't work well, or they are incredibly corny. But overall I believe the positive parts compensated the negatives ones. Take everything with a grain of salt, and try out what strikes you as the most useful.
The book is divided into 3 parts, each with several chapters that explore the topic and often introduce "techniques" that you can apply. Part 1 is about creating intimacy, part 2 avoiding fights, and part 3 solving problems.
The author focuses a lot on self-esteem. And he argues that many fights happen when the partner is with a low "self-esteem bank account". By making a deposit, with acknowledgment, appreciation, and acceptance, the "balance" will rise and it will make problems easier to deal with. Sometimes this felt overly Adlerian and overblown, but it does play a role, and I was more convinced as I read further.
The biggest problem of communication is that people often talk past each other, and this often happens because the couple gets into a spiral of blame. This is the antithesis of good communication and a lot of the book focuses on bypassing this problem. For example, when a conflict arises, we have a tendency to get defensive. It turns into a combative experience. The goal is to prevent that from happening (or deescalate it when it does). For example, instead of being defensive, being supportive instead (like the example above of trying to raise your partner's self-esteem). The trick is, of course, not getting into blame mode when you always feel that is indeed their fault. The problem is exactly that you feel you're always right. But 1) everyone feels that, and 2) even if that was true, it still doesn't solve the conflict.
The book isn't only theorizing. It does provide practical guidelines. The ones I found most helpful were:
1. Create physical (but non-sexual) intimacy when you're both upset or stressed. Often the problem comes from emotional arousal that would just lead to a heated fight. By relaxing in an intimate matter, either you can later solve the problem in a more clear-headed manner, or the problem disappears completely as the anger fades away.
2. Encourage your partner to fully articulate what exactly they are upset about. You're not allowed to interrupt, and you can only speak once they have announced that they are finished. Do not attempt to debate points mid-way. Make sure they know you are listening and care about what they are struggling with.
3. Be precise in your speech and practical about the problems you are having in the relationship. And when communicating this, be aware that people do get defensive and have a tendency to start playing a blame game. The author gives a formula that I found useful: “When you (briefly describe situation), I feel (sad, hurt, afraid, or impatient) because I (explain the psychological need you have that leads to feeling the way you do).” The point is to give a very practical description of the problem from your perspective and without putting blame on your partner.
4. Master compromise and problem-solving. Describe the problem in a neutral manner, and then ask what they think a good solution is (not your solution, which just drives the point that you just want to do things your way, rather than solving the problem). Attempting to do "test-runs" of solutions may help getting out of unsolvable problems, where you try a compromise that isn't exactly what you want but better than the current situation, and you try it for a limited time (eg 2 weeks).
I found the book helpful. Especially when articulating how to bypassing a "blaming" mindset, and preventing problems from arising to begin with. I also liked that there was a fair bit of anecdotes to exemplify these ideas in real-life. Either from his own relationships or from cases of his clients. However, there were also many things I did not like in the book. Some of the things proposed honestly just look like they wouldn't work well, or they are incredibly corny. But overall I believe the positive parts compensated the negatives ones. Take everything with a grain of salt, and try out what strikes you as the most useful.
April 5, 2022
This is a very good book. I’m not sure you could ever classify this book as one you “finished” because you’re more than likely going to come back to multiple times in your life if not multiple times in the same year… month… week? You get the point.
I will say while Robinson gives some absolutely fantastic advice and a plethora of actionable practices. However there are a lot to them and they will take time to incorporate and practice let alone master. So this book definitely isn’t a “fix it quick” type of book (nor should it be) so if thats what you’re looking for you won’t find that here.
I will say while Robinson gives some absolutely fantastic advice and a plethora of actionable practices. However there are a lot to them and they will take time to incorporate and practice let alone master. So this book definitely isn’t a “fix it quick” type of book (nor should it be) so if thats what you’re looking for you won’t find that here.
January 13, 2018
Great read with lots of practical advice and exercise to improve your communication skills in relationships, Highly recommend:)
July 22, 2012
This book is a rather good example of a genre that is usually terrible. The strength of this book is that it has a lot of practical tips for improving communication with your partner. Although all of these tips work better if both people practice them, many do not require buy in from your partner to be effective.
The book had two main weaknesses. Because the book was packed with useful tips, they started to become disorganized in my mind. The end notes for each chapter helped immensely.
More annoyingly, this book leaned a bit toward making better communication seem too easy. This is illustrated by the occasional but persistent use of the hook "now that's a communication miracle". However, this is mostly stylistic -- the tips themselves are practical, not miraculous. It's not as bad in this respect as other books in the genre, but it did grate at times.
That said, this book avoided the oh-so-common annoyance of assuming that anyone reading a book on couple's communication is on the verge of divorce.
Overall, this was a practical, readable, mostly-not-annoying book on improving communication with a partner.
The book had two main weaknesses. Because the book was packed with useful tips, they started to become disorganized in my mind. The end notes for each chapter helped immensely.
More annoyingly, this book leaned a bit toward making better communication seem too easy. This is illustrated by the occasional but persistent use of the hook "now that's a communication miracle". However, this is mostly stylistic -- the tips themselves are practical, not miraculous. It's not as bad in this respect as other books in the genre, but it did grate at times.
That said, this book avoided the oh-so-common annoyance of assuming that anyone reading a book on couple's communication is on the verge of divorce.
Overall, this was a practical, readable, mostly-not-annoying book on improving communication with a partner.
February 24, 2015
Whereas the advice is occasionally saccharine (his annoying of calling your SO your "sweetie" gets really old really fast) the advice is actually pretty good all in all. Good communication skills booster and conflict resolution advice. It's not going to save any doomed relationships, but it's definitely got good advice to offer someone trying to make she he or she is saying what she feels in a clear and kind way. The conflict resolution ideas are good too, if a little hard to stick to in a real crisis. It's probably one of those books that would do best if you forced yourself to actually try each one of the little exercises in order, but they are hard to not view as silly at times. definitely a book to have in paper form so you can take notes and refer back to the ideas quickly. Honestly though aimed at couples, I've found some of the conflict resolution advice helpful with my child as well.
September 21, 2013
Some books, while offering good information, are written in a way that is not fun to read. This is NOT one of such books.
The techniques shared seem very practical and useful. For example, the author talks about the concept of a "self-esteem bank account". When couples are having difficulty, they blame their partner. Blaming takes self-esteem "dollars" from the partner. The key to good communication is to start by acknowledging and appreciating - that puts self-esteem "dollars" into his bank account and makes him more loving and willing to listen. I thought that is a neat way of explaining things. The author goes on to share simple ways of acknowledging your partner and much more.
The techniques shared seem very practical and useful. For example, the author talks about the concept of a "self-esteem bank account". When couples are having difficulty, they blame their partner. Blaming takes self-esteem "dollars" from the partner. The key to good communication is to start by acknowledging and appreciating - that puts self-esteem "dollars" into his bank account and makes him more loving and willing to listen. I thought that is a neat way of explaining things. The author goes on to share simple ways of acknowledging your partner and much more.
August 11, 2012
Another book with cutesy communication tricks. Not the worst, but not the best, either. I read the book in two parts, pretty far apart, and I couldn't really remember much of the stuff that he talked about when I came back to it. Now I only remember one of the techniques, mostly because it's the one that would push me over the edge if I were angry at someone. What I mostly recall is that most of these techniques would make me want to punch someone in the face. Therefore, I'm not really making an effort to hang onto any of it.
July 23, 2015
This is a book about how to talk to your partner so that they understand you. If men are from Mars and women are from Venus then they are not talking the same language. This gives both men and women help with crossing the language barrier. The author says, "everything people do is either a loving response or a cry for help." This is an important concept pointing out that we are all looking for wholeness from a place of pain. Only in marriage can two people become whole. See another book: Getting the Love You Want
January 15, 2015
When I started reading this book I did not like it's rhythm and I didn't like the idea that the writer sometimes uses her and sometimes his. however when I passed through it I got used to it and found that it contained a lot of brilliant ideas and suggestions for different problems. I recommend that book.
September 29, 2007
This is a slim little book with a ton of tools and insight into communication and how to do it without making your partner/family/friend feel like they are being attacked. This book has helped me tremendously in my current relationship. I highly recommend it to all.
March 12, 2013
Excellent and concise book on how to defuse conflicts. The author presents easy to use and thought-provoking, real-life techniques to increase harmony in a relationship. Short book, easy to read, cogent, well-explained and summarized, and very practical. Highly recommended!
May 15, 2013
This is a fantastic book. It is easy to read, well written and provides powerful, effective tools for improving communication. I'm a therapist of over 25 years. I recommend this book to most of the couples I work with.
November 12, 2015
Some good practical tips. Sometimes it felt like the technique could come across as insincere and even condescending. Robinson addresses this by suggesting that couples use their own words, their normal language. He provides a summary of all the techniques at the end of the book.
December 6, 2024
Exercises for Communication Mastery:
The following exercises were presented at the end of each chapter in the book. I have listed all of them here for your convenience. If you have not yet completed them, I urge you to do so now. The only way to master these methods is through practice:
1. Try acknowledging and appreciating your partner this week. Validate his feelings and tell him how much you appreciate specific things he does. Notice what effect this has on him and on your relationship.
2. If you haven't already done so, find out what helps to charm your partner's heart. The shorthand way of doing this is by asking your partner, "When are a couple of times you've felt most loved by me?" Pause for her answer, then proceed. "What helped you know during those occasions that I really loved you?" For a more thorough explanation of how to find out what makes your partner feel loved, reread chapter 2. Also, tell your partner what she does that helps you feel fully loved by her.
3. During the next few days, focus on using nonverbal methods to increase feelings of intimacy with your part-ner. Try smiling, mirroring your partner's body position, touching him frequently, and/or using the electric sex technique. Pick one of these methods right now and vow to use it tonight with your partner.
4. The next time you notice you're slightly upset at your partner, ask yourself the three questions abbreviated in the acronym WILL WISE: "What is likely to happen if I continue to insist on being right? Would I like to feel loved or be right? What is something I especially like about my partner?" Notice if thoroughly answering these three questions to yourself helps you to avoid blame and communicate in a more loving manner. If you prefer asking yourself just one question, try asking "How might I have contributed to the situation we have here?" Come up with at least three possibilities.
5. The next time you begin having an argument with your partner, immediately ask him to do a Spoon Tune with you. See how differently you feel after four or five minutes of tuning with him. Or if you prefer, you can do the "And What Else?" game instead. Right now, make an agreement with your partner to do one of these tools the next time either of you request it. You might even create a negative consequence if the tool isn't immediately tried when requested. It's a good idea to put this agreement in writing.
6. Think of something that feels off or bad in your relationship that you haven't communicated to your partner.
7. Communicate about it to your partner by using the following formula: "When you (briefly describe the situau-tion) I feel (sad, impatient, hurt, and/or fearful) because I (explain the psychological need you have that leads you to feel this way). What I want is (state your specific desire).
8. See if you can avoid triggering your partner's blame detector as you communicate your feelings and desires.
9. What is a problem area that repeatedly comes up in your relationship? If nothing comes to mind, look through the dynamite dozen (in chapter 7) and choose one area that has given you and your partner trouble in the past. Ask yourself and your partner the following question: "What does it take or what has to happen in order for me (or you) to feel good about (name the area you're exploring)?" Attempt to clarify your own and your partner's specific expectations in this area.
10. Using the information from chapter 8, see if you can create a metaphor that helps your partner understand how you feel about something in your life or relationship. Once you've created it, tell her and see if she seems to better understand you.
11. What is a small thing your partner does that you would like him to change? Perhaps he blows his nose at the dinner table, and it bothers you. Or perhaps she interrupts you when you're on the phone. Whatever it is, use the "A PI SWAP" method to request that he or she make the change you desire.
12. Pick a small problem you have with your partner and decide to negotiate a solution to it using the "A PI SWAPED" method from chapter 10. It need not be a big problem. It can even be insignificant. The important thing is for you to practice and get a feel for the technique by using it with your sweetheart.
13. At some time in the future, your partner will feel hurt or distant from you for some reason. If you suspect that's the case, ask her "Where am I on your trust thermometer?" Request that she give you a number from one to ten.
14. If you're at the lower end of the scale due to breaking an agreement, use the RARE formula by taking Responsibility, Apologizing, Requesting information on what your partner needs from you, and Entrusting a new promise. If you don't know why she feels hurt, clarify what's wrong by asking her,
15. "What did you think I meant by...?" Once you've talked things over, ask for her trust thermometer number again, and see if the level of trust has gone up.
16. Do something special for your partner-for no particular reason other than as a loving surprise. You might write him a caring note, buy him a gift he would like, or offer him anything else you think would make him feel loved and appreciated. Notice what effect this giving gesture has on your relationship.
The following exercises were presented at the end of each chapter in the book. I have listed all of them here for your convenience. If you have not yet completed them, I urge you to do so now. The only way to master these methods is through practice:
1. Try acknowledging and appreciating your partner this week. Validate his feelings and tell him how much you appreciate specific things he does. Notice what effect this has on him and on your relationship.
2. If you haven't already done so, find out what helps to charm your partner's heart. The shorthand way of doing this is by asking your partner, "When are a couple of times you've felt most loved by me?" Pause for her answer, then proceed. "What helped you know during those occasions that I really loved you?" For a more thorough explanation of how to find out what makes your partner feel loved, reread chapter 2. Also, tell your partner what she does that helps you feel fully loved by her.
3. During the next few days, focus on using nonverbal methods to increase feelings of intimacy with your part-ner. Try smiling, mirroring your partner's body position, touching him frequently, and/or using the electric sex technique. Pick one of these methods right now and vow to use it tonight with your partner.
4. The next time you notice you're slightly upset at your partner, ask yourself the three questions abbreviated in the acronym WILL WISE: "What is likely to happen if I continue to insist on being right? Would I like to feel loved or be right? What is something I especially like about my partner?" Notice if thoroughly answering these three questions to yourself helps you to avoid blame and communicate in a more loving manner. If you prefer asking yourself just one question, try asking "How might I have contributed to the situation we have here?" Come up with at least three possibilities.
5. The next time you begin having an argument with your partner, immediately ask him to do a Spoon Tune with you. See how differently you feel after four or five minutes of tuning with him. Or if you prefer, you can do the "And What Else?" game instead. Right now, make an agreement with your partner to do one of these tools the next time either of you request it. You might even create a negative consequence if the tool isn't immediately tried when requested. It's a good idea to put this agreement in writing.
6. Think of something that feels off or bad in your relationship that you haven't communicated to your partner.
7. Communicate about it to your partner by using the following formula: "When you (briefly describe the situau-tion) I feel (sad, impatient, hurt, and/or fearful) because I (explain the psychological need you have that leads you to feel this way). What I want is (state your specific desire).
8. See if you can avoid triggering your partner's blame detector as you communicate your feelings and desires.
9. What is a problem area that repeatedly comes up in your relationship? If nothing comes to mind, look through the dynamite dozen (in chapter 7) and choose one area that has given you and your partner trouble in the past. Ask yourself and your partner the following question: "What does it take or what has to happen in order for me (or you) to feel good about (name the area you're exploring)?" Attempt to clarify your own and your partner's specific expectations in this area.
10. Using the information from chapter 8, see if you can create a metaphor that helps your partner understand how you feel about something in your life or relationship. Once you've created it, tell her and see if she seems to better understand you.
11. What is a small thing your partner does that you would like him to change? Perhaps he blows his nose at the dinner table, and it bothers you. Or perhaps she interrupts you when you're on the phone. Whatever it is, use the "A PI SWAP" method to request that he or she make the change you desire.
12. Pick a small problem you have with your partner and decide to negotiate a solution to it using the "A PI SWAPED" method from chapter 10. It need not be a big problem. It can even be insignificant. The important thing is for you to practice and get a feel for the technique by using it with your sweetheart.
13. At some time in the future, your partner will feel hurt or distant from you for some reason. If you suspect that's the case, ask her "Where am I on your trust thermometer?" Request that she give you a number from one to ten.
14. If you're at the lower end of the scale due to breaking an agreement, use the RARE formula by taking Responsibility, Apologizing, Requesting information on what your partner needs from you, and Entrusting a new promise. If you don't know why she feels hurt, clarify what's wrong by asking her,
15. "What did you think I meant by...?" Once you've talked things over, ask for her trust thermometer number again, and see if the level of trust has gone up.
16. Do something special for your partner-for no particular reason other than as a loving surprise. You might write him a caring note, buy him a gift he would like, or offer him anything else you think would make him feel loved and appreciated. Notice what effect this giving gesture has on your relationship.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
January 15, 2010
this book really helped me understand that it feels good when your husband/wife "acknowledges" things. I believe that excellent communication leads to a very happy marriage.
February 9, 2011
Clear, concise, and can be helpful if both partners are willing participants and eager to do the work. Overall, good reminders of the utmost importance of communication within any relationship.
August 25, 2011
Simple and extremely effective exercises that you can do immediately--just like the title says! Made a difference in my marriage right away.
March 3, 2012
Some helpful tips for effective communication.
June 19, 2013
Great, practical advice for improving relationships. My favorite chapter is about deciding if you want to be right or be loved.
March 16, 2014
A common sense down to earth, encouraging book of 'miracles.' Two partners who are looking to rekindle love between them could do a lot worse than breeze through these pages.
May 5, 2015
The practices in this book are very helpful and easy to implement in ones life.
July 26, 2016
Really compact, succinct book with advice and examples of how to put them into action.
August 31, 2017
3.5 stars
March 28, 2018
Read this with my boo. We set aside some time every once in a while to read together and talk about the ideas in this book. Yes, it was giggle inducing at times. Yes, it was full of a million acronyms that I was supposed to remember to use in moments of strife or stress with my partner that I will never remember because they were weird and unmemorable. However, it REALLY did cause us to chat about some things and find out some things about each other that we never talked about. And I couldn't believe it when we were having a tiff and my boo totes broke out one of the tools from this book to bring us back to earth. IT WORKED. Yo, you should read this book with your boo if you have one, or just by yourself if you want a healthy idea of how relationships should work. It is pretty much like a less tense, proactive way to keep shit on the real throughout your relationship without having to pay HELLA cash for a psychotherapist (if you need one of those, that is totes ok too, but for real this is cheaper!).
April 10, 2018
I absolutely love this book!! I've been practicing the techniques used in this book and my relationships have improved exponentially. I'm so grateful for the lessons and simple tweaks to improve my communication style, and the people that are close to me in my life have remarked at how different I have become in my communication. I am connecting with people more, and there are less fights and arguments and misunderstandings.
July 15, 2023
“Couples problems stem from the need to be right. Conflict can bring us together but what ends a relationship is blame.” |
“would I rather be loved or right?” |
“what did you think I meant by that statement?” |
For a book that came out in 1997 this book still feels modern, probably because humans are the same at their core. I loved the suggestions in this book and the stories of his own relationship with Helena always being late, etc. Josh and I use spoon tuning and other techniques!
“would I rather be loved or right?” |
“what did you think I meant by that statement?” |
For a book that came out in 1997 this book still feels modern, probably because humans are the same at their core. I loved the suggestions in this book and the stories of his own relationship with Helena always being late, etc. Josh and I use spoon tuning and other techniques!
August 14, 2018
This might seem like common-sense advice, but common sense is difficult to employ in the heat of an argument. Communication Miracles gives practical tips and steps to communicate effectively in a way that can be heard and received, and in a way that treats both parties with empathy and respect.
July 7, 2020
One of the best books I’ve read period
This is one of the best books I’ve ever read and is particularly helpful for learning how to communicate so critical for business, life, relationships and raising kids. The book is packed full of actionable advice. I will be gifting for years to come
This is one of the best books I’ve ever read and is particularly helpful for learning how to communicate so critical for business, life, relationships and raising kids. The book is packed full of actionable advice. I will be gifting for years to come
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