Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior

by Judith Martin, Gloria Kamen (Illustrator)

An indispensable manual to navigating life from birth to death without making a false move. Your neighbor denounces cellular telephones as instruments of the devil. Your niece swears that no one expects thank-you letters anymore. Your father-in-law insists that married women have to take their husbands' names. Your guests plead that asking them to commit themselves to attending your party ruins the spontaneity. Who is right? Miss Manners, of course. With all those amateurs issuing unauthorized etiquette pronouncements, aren't you glad that there is a gold standard to consult about what has really changed and what has not? The freshly updated version of the classic bestseller includes the latest letters, essays, and illustrations, along with the laugh-out-loud wisdom of Miss Manners as she meets the new millennium of American misbehavior head-on. This wickedly witty guide rules on the challenges brought about by our ever-evolving society, once again proving that etiquette, far from being an optional extra, is the essential currency of a civilized world. 32 illustrations

Genres: Nonfiction, Self Help, Humor, Reference, How To, Comedy, Essays

864 pages, Hardcover

First published January 1, 1982

About the author

Judith Martin (née Perlman), better known by the pen name Miss Manners, is an American journalist, author, and etiquette authority.

Since 1978 she has written an advice column, which is distributed three times a week by United Features Syndicate and carried in more than 200 newspapers worldwide. In the column, she answers etiquette questions contributed by her readers and writes short essays on problems of manners, or clarifies the essential qualities of politeness.

Reviews

[ALLEN · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is the Miss Manners book that started it all, so popular it was updated in 2005 and can still be bought at a reasonable price new and downright cheap used. Of course, such infernal modern devices of dubious utility as the cell phone have intruded on the American scene since Miss Manners (Judith Martin) started writing her newspaper column in the 1970s -- but this book nonetheless does a good job of staying in step with changing times.

More to the point, reading Miss Manners is an exercise in high wit (hers) and common sense (hers): "Miss Manners, where is it permissible to wear a hat? ~ "Same as always -- on the head." (She then apologizes for that brief lapse into silliness, blaming it on the etiquette workload.)

All this results in a useful, funny volume that belongs on every bookshelf. This especially applies to those of us who like to read these books for fun but believe me, the etiquette basics are there too, centered around not only what to do but why we do it. The lady (Judith Martin) can turn a phrase, and makes good points doing so. Despite some minor obsolescence about fax machines and the like, this is still the volume to start with before you head into the more specialized tomes.

[Mariel · Rating 5 out of 5]

My mom consulted this book for practically everything when I was growing up. It's more about being considerate of others than stuffiness for the sake of stuffiness.
Anyway, I remembered this book because I've recently offended a Japanese friendly acquaintance by declining to eat his sushi. I'm vegetarian. It made dining at other's houses difficult when growing up. I'd be torn between being rude and not eating food that would make me sick. I'd like to consult this book again for dealing with those situations. I've considered offering food I know they dislike intensely...

[Shannon · Rating 5 out of 5]

I picked this up not thinking I'd be interested enough to read all of it, but 826 pages later, I'm still wanting more. Miss Manners is not just an expert on etiquitte, she is a witty social thinker. She also is not an Amy Vanderbilt sort of etiquitte-writer. She explains the reasons behind the need for etiquitte, as opposed to just a (seriously boring) laundry list of dos and don'ts. And she's not afraid to be a little irreverent about it all at the same time. An absolute must read.

Here's a quote I enjoyed:

"When Miss Manners observes people behaving rudely, she behaves politely to them, and then goes home and snickers about them afterward. That is what the well-bred person does. The only way to enjoy the fun of catching people behaving disgustingly is to have children. One has to keep having them, however, because it is incorrect to correct grown up people, even if you have grown them yourself."

[David · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is not simply about which fork to use. Nor is it just the definitive guide to manners and etiquette, though that it is. Taken as a whole, Judith Martin's writings as Miss Manners add up to nothing less than a philosophical treatise. She answers the main questions of philosophy: How shall we live? What kind of people do we want to be? Her accumulated answers to day-to-day problems all of us face persuasively answer those questions. In a nutshell, and without ever stating it explicitly, she is arguing that the rules of etiquette, hypocritical though some may be, are a requirement for modern civilized society; that without them all that lies ahead is anarchy. Beyond that she is funny, with a piercing wit that will make you laugh out loud. Once you're done laughing though, you may go write that overdue thank you note, not simply because it's the right thing to do but because it strengthens the social contract we've all agreed to. A great and important book.

[Magda · Rating 4 out of 5]

On eating pineapple:
"Informal: Same as formal. It is a mistake to hold an unpeeled pineapple in the hand and bite into it.
"Formal; Quarter, cut from peel, slice and eat with fork. Wonder why hosts didn't perform this in pantry." (p. 190)

On eating peas:
"Peas are unique in that they are the only vegetable with a herd instinct. Thus it is easily possible to catch them when armed only with a fork if they are crowded together and feeling safe; but impossible by conventional means to catch one or two that have strayed from the herd and are therefore on their guard. Don't even try. You will only work yourself into a rage and end up with one or two peas dancing around the rim of your plate, laughing at you." (p. 194)

[Holly · Rating 5 out of 5]

Thank you, Judith Martin! Miss Manners Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior has been such an important book in my life. I still have my original copy; purchased before I left high school as an investment in my future. I have to attribute some of my social and business successes to this book.

Since I am an anti-social person I limit my social intercourse to 3 levels: 1)Work - I'm in sales; tact and diplomacy are 2 important tools in every salespersons bag of sales techniques, right up there with presenting your product or service as desirable in every way. 2)Community Volunteer - While we all work together to make our community a better place, we all have our own ideas about how to make that happen. Once again, tact and diplomacy are key. 3)Special interests - My interests have lead me to participate in different activities: Book Club, 4-H Club, field events for dogs, equestrian competition, raising poultry, gardening, Archery Club, Historic Homeowners Restoration Support Group,etc. These interests attract a wildly divergent array of personality types; in order to enjoy ourselves we have to get along.

Having been a student of this book has helped me in all of the above situations. It has also made me more aware of the rudeness of others and how subconscious it often is. The good behavior I learned in this book has often provided me with a subtle, manipulative weapon to force good behavior in others.

It all boils down to one thing; being well groomed and appropriately attired, poised and unflappable in every situation gives you a definite advantage. Forget self-improvement books and get-rick-quick schemes; a cheap used copy of this book is all you need. (Reading Machiavelli is also recommended)

[Kristi Lamont · Rating 5 out of 5]

Yes, I read an etiquette book from cover to cover (the 1991 edition of this book). And? It. Was. Awesome. Can't believe I haven't thought to log and rate it before today. Still one of the best birthday presents my mom ever got me -- and it was in one of the world's coolest beach bags ever, to boot. While the latter has long since disintegrated and been replaced, I still have Judith on my shelf, and in my heart.

[Jason Pierce · Rating 4 out of 5]

This review is apt to be shorter than usual (though still too long). Friends and followers may send thank you notes to my current flareup of De Quervain tenosynovitis, c/o Jason Pierce, etc., etc. I probably shouldn't be typing at all, but I don't always have a great deal of sense.

It took six and a half years, five to ten pages here and there with a few week/month break in between, and then a big push for the last couple hundred pages this past month, but I finally got it done. (Well, it is over 800 pages.) That doesn't mean I didn't like it; quite the contrary. It's just not the kind of book I sit and read cover to cover; I prefer novels.

I love Miss Manners' column, or at least I did before my stupid newspaper stopped carrying it a couple of months ago. This book has several of those letters/responses, which I loved, and Miss Manners going on about some other matters on her own without being asked, which I liked. She is quite sarcastic and her responses are often a scream, but I tend to enjoy them more in small doses.

Here are a few I marked. ("DMM" = "Dear Miss Manners;" "GR" = "Gentle Reader" which is Miss Manners' salutation for all her responses.)

For expectant mothers who have to endure people "poking and patting the work in progress" (which is such a weird thing to do to pregnant women, especially when such attentions are uninvited. I don't even do it when asked. "Here, it just kicked, feel it!" ...NO! I have no interest in feeling a parasite at work on its host.) Anyway, the mothers should tell those interested that they "will be glad to let them hold the baby if they will be kind enough to wait until it is born."

"DMM: Please list some tactful ways of removing a man's saliva from your face.
GR: Please list some decent ways of acquiring a man's saliva on your face. If the gentleman sprayed you inadvertently to accompany enthusiastic discourse, you may" blah, blah, blah... "If, however, the substance was acquired as a result of enthusiasm of a more intimate nature, you may delicately retrieve it with a flick of your pink tongue."

"DMM: What can you do after accidentally calling your present lover by your former lover's name?
GR: Seek a future lover. Such a mistake is easy to do and impossible to undo. Why do you think the term 'darling' was invented?"

"DMM: I enclose herewith the text of a recently received thank-you note, and wonder what you think of the bride's forthright frankness. Do you consider this the nouvelles mercies? 'Dear Friends: Thank you so much for the beautiful vase. Unfortunately, it was the seventh one we received, so we did want you to know - and we hope you won't mind that we exchanged it in order to complete our china pattern. We send our love to you, etc.'
GR: It isn't the bride's frankness that worries Miss Manners - it's her brain. If one has seven vases, it should not be difficult to figure out how to exchange six of them, while letting the seventh represent, to each of the seven donors, the one that was kept. Miss Manners hopes that this couple is not planning to have children."

(Lengthy letter about a woman who hosts parties and complains when guests bring "bunches of loose flowers that they just hand to (her) in a soggy mess," and she has to leave the door, neglect her other guests and hosting duties, find a vase, arrange everything, fill it with water, and find a place to display them even though she's already arranged the room. It's so inconsiderate, etc.)
"GR: When Miss Manners entered the advice business, she knew that some day it would break her heart. As dear Nathanael West warned in his Miss Lonelyhearts, mass exposure to the insoluble suffering of this world can drive one to despair. Now you've done it. Miss Manners doesn't know if she can bear to go on living in a world where people such as you - for surely, no problem is unique - are plagued with the untimely floral offerings of their friends. What to do? Miss Manners, although she is herself groping for the strength to go on, will offer one last timid, faltering suggestion to help you in your time of need: Why don't you just keep a filled vase in the pantry on party nights and dump whatever you get into it?"

(Letter from someone in a high-rise apartment wondering about the correct attire during a fire alarm when everyone gathers in the lobby after midnight. "My feeling is that one's dress should be adequately covering but informal. I generally wear a navy blue nylon pajama and matching coat, and tennis shoes. Last time, I spent an agreeable hour chatting with (1) a young man clad in running trunks and running shoes; (2) an executive type in a business suit and vest, carrying a briefcase; (3) a young lady in a scarlet caftan, her head swathed in a brilliant yellow towel. Her accessory was a brown grocery bag that contained a live cat.
GR: Your instincts are correct, then, so are everyone else's, as fires are classified socially with come-as-you-are parties. However, Miss Manners' instinct would be to avoid the man in the three-piece suit. A person carrying a briefcase at midnight is up to no good."

Miss Manners often makes clear that her area of expertise is manners and generally doesn't offer advice on moral/legal/etc. issues. This was never more clearer than one section where she discussed drug use. After all, you can take manners with you anywhere, even to the local crack house. Whether or not you should be there in the first place is up to you and not in her wheelhouse. "Why do people keep asking Miss Manners what to say, in a social situation, when they are offered drugs? What ever happened to 'Yes, please' and 'No, thank you'?"

One other thought: The section on "Celebrity and Publicity" should be required reading for everyone on social media since we now live in a world where anyone who wants to be a celebrity can post whatever they want to the masses whether or not they're worthy of that distinction.

I endeavor to be well-mannered, but I have a lot to learn, and some things in here are pretty tall orders. I sometimes let my manners take a backseat to practicality, and other times I'm just an ass.

This book was great, and I recommend it to anyone. It also comes with a handy and extremely detailed index so you can look up her advice involving a specific issue. She covers just about everything.

As for this hand...

[Jen · Rating 3 out of 5]

Judith Martin has impeccable wit. In answer to the question, "Isn't etiquette always a matter of making other people feel comfortable?" she answers "This would make politeness an activity exclusively for suckers and wimps. And, of course, sluts."
I will never wear white gloves or leave my calling card, but I enjoyed reading this book and I burst out laughing several times. A few excerpts:

Dear Miss Manners: Usually, lots of men I pass by on the street say "hi" to me. I assume it's flirting. Most of the time I just ignore it and walk right by, since I don't want to stop walking and say "hi" to a stranger. I don't even know what his intentions are! But lately, I've felt that what I do seems pretty rude and I think I'm coming off as unapproachable, and I was wondering what is the best way to deal with this kind of situation without being rude.
Gentle Reader: If you want to seem approachable -- which Miss Manners understands to be the same as not wanting to seem unapproachable -- you might respond, "Hi, honey. Are you lonesome?" She does not recommend this. What you were already doing is the correct behavior, not because you don't know what a strange man's intentions are toward you, but because you do.

Dear Miss Manners: What is the proper reply when someone says, "Excuse Me"?
Gentle Reader: A weak smile. The way to perform a weak smile is to raise the corners of the mouth without moving the center part of the lips, which remain closed. The length of the weak smile depends on the magnitude of the act for which the excuse was requested. For example, if a person has asked to be excused for burping, the weak smile in response should last only a fleeting moment, as did the burp, one hopes. If he is asking to be excused for breaking a porcelain vase that your great-grandfather brought back from China, the weak smile becomes fixed. This is to distract attention from the expression in your eyes as you stare at the fragment of china on the floor.

Dear Miss Manners: Now that I have mastered a "weak smile", I find that I have need for a "hollow laugh." Can you please tell me how to do it?
Gentle Reader: Ah, the hollow laugh. Yes, indeed, it is a most useful social skill indispensable for for responding to tasteless jokes, excessive kidding, and other unacceptable forms of behavior. Miss Manners will be glad to teach it to you. For the hollow laugh, you first smile with the lips wide open, displaying all of the forward teeth, while the rest of your face registers a puzzled look. You then force up from the throat a noise that does not resemble a genuine laugh, but rather imitates the words "Ha ha" or "Huh huh" that writers use to transcribe the sound of a laugh. When these words have been emitted, leave the open smile hanging there for a moment, as if you had forgotten about it, and then abruptly close the mouth into a solemn expression.

[Mark's wife Sue · Rating 4 out of 5]

In our current uncivil society we can forget that people were ever polite and kind and went out of their way not to make others feel bad. Miss Manners was a newspaper columnist, she would get questions from readers about a situation and would explain the best way to handle it. As the subtitle states, excruciatingly correct. How to have social interactions that leave both sides with their dignity intact, in fact, no one would even notice it was in peril.
How can I cancel a date/dinner invite etc when something better comes up? Ans: you can’t.
How can I tell my host I don’t like or can’t eat their food? Ans: you can’t. Don’t eat if you can’t. If it’s a problem for you, don’t accept the next invitation.
How can I ask my wedding guests for money instead of gifts? Ans: you can’t. You can’t ask for presents; don’t be that guy.
How can I tell one of my guests they are being a jerk and knock it off? Ans: you can’t. You can only not ask them back.
What do I do when a man touches me inappropriately in public? Ans: you can scream, just loud enough for others to hear and say oh you startled me.

This is entertaining. The layout encourages short reads. Easy to put down and pick up again.
Doesn’t have to be read in order.

[Hannah · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of the greatest compilations of modern wisdom ever created. Judith Martin has a way of looking at the world that is simultaneously sassy and kind-hearted, merciless and unendingly considerate and compassionate. While reading this volume cover to cover was a joy for its 800-some-odd pages of sparkling prose, I still find myself coming back to it again and again whenever I wonder how to go about some life event that is new or challenging to me. I'm so grateful to have Miss Manners in my life, and would recommend her to anyone anywhere!

[Karen Rettig · Rating 5 out of 5]

It took me forever to finish this, not because I didn’t enjoy it, but because it is the sort of book you pick up in an idle moment, read and laugh over for a few pages, then put down for a week or two. And it is a big book. I don’t know how many years of newspaper columns it represents, but Miss Manners is prolific, and she never fails to entertain. Her lady-of-the-manner persona is hilarious, but her advice is excellent. She explains how to be proper without being snooty and gracious in the most awkward situation.

[Rita Slanina · Rating 5 out of 5]

Ha! Absolutely entertaining answers to the most uncomfortable of situations and how to handle them with decorum. Loved this book!

[Cheryl]

A little too strict for me, and only covered, in all those pages, manners. Well, yes, but manners are, after all, rather superficial. Many more of us need much better advice on a daily basis with significant issues. The question is not whether or not to smile at the woman your ex-husband married at your daughter's wedding, but whether or not to smile *every day* at your co-worker who is having an affair with the boss's daughter, as I see it.

Then again, I was raised with a basic understanding of etiquette, and most of the ppl I know were, too. Though it usually comes down to myob & have good intentions, I imagine there are some unfortunates who need more guidance than that.

[Stven · Rating 4 out of 5]

It feels as though I have been browsing this book for decades, and the publication date of 1983 suggests that feeling is correct. Miss Manners is not quite correct about everything -- some of what is taken as chilly politeness from an attractive woman might risk a punch in the nose for an ordinary male -- but she has a good ear for a situation and can often make an immensely sensible suggestion. What is a mother do about her son's new bride who never thanks her for a gift? Here is Miss Manners' suggestion: "Kimberly, dear, I never know what to get you," you say, patting her hand maternally. "I would so like to find something that pleases you, but you've never said a word about any of my presents and I'm so afraid you don't quite like them but are too polite to say so."

The foundation of this jiujitsu is the pointing of people in the right direction while managing not to accuse them of any wrongdoing, while indeed suggesting that it is oneself who has erred.

She has a lot of other good advice, and on some situations where there actually are specific conventions, she knows what they are and is happy to share the information.

What is the correct way to cancel one dinner party to go to another? Miss Manners says there is only one socially impeccable way of doing so: "Mr. and Mrs. Alexander Darling regret extremely that an invitation to the White House prevents their keeping their previous engagement for Saturday, the seventh of March."

This is a very amusing book that keeps bringing me back.

[Jennifer · Rating 5 out of 5]

They say that good manners are just a way of showing other people that we have respect for them. This is the original & classic de rigueur guide to precise manners.

[Celia T · Rating 5 out of 5]

I would die for you, Miss Manners

[Khanh · Rating 5 out of 5]

Ho ho ho. If you’ve ever worried that reading a book on etiquette might feel like being scolded by a fussy aunt, allow me to reassure you: Judith Martin—better known as Miss Manners—has no interest in wagging a finger. Instead, she wields a rapier. Miss Manners’s Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior , her first and most famous book, is equal parts etiquette manual, comedy of manners, and sly social commentary.

The book is framed as a series of letters from hapless correspondents—probably fictitious people puzzled by everything from pregnancy etiquette to the politics of wedding invitations to the proper posture for divorce. Miss Manners responds with impeccable poise, but also with a dry wit that turns the act of reading advice into pure entertainment.

This was my first foray into her world, and I’ll admit I had avoided her for years, assuming her book would be unbearably stuffy. To my surprise, I found myself giggling, nodding in agreement, and occasionally feeling that she had peered directly into the more awkward corners of modern life. Yes, much of her advice is common sense, but when wrapped in her impeccable phrasing, it suddenly feels like wisdom bestowed from on high—while still making me chuckle.

What struck me most was how timeless the humor is. Even as she skewers rudeness and self-importance, she reminds me that good manners aren’t about rigid rules but about kindness disguised as protocol. And she manages to do so with such sparkle that I almost wish to misbehave, just to see how she’d put me in my place. Hee hee hee.

In short: this is etiquette with a wink. Enlightening? Absolutely. Stuffy? Not in the least. Excruciatingly Correct Behavior is, in fact, excruciatingly hilarious.

[Deborah Bodansky]

Given to me by my cousin, for whom this is pretty much a foundational text. Reading this book (and I did read it, front to back) teaches you that etiquette really is a philosophy, and one, at that, that is as applicable today as it was in Victorian times. The rules may have changed slightly, but the principles of kindness, gratitude, and modesty remain the same. It changed the way I view interactions with my family and got me to start diligently writing thank-you notes, which has been very rewarding. On top of that, Miss Manners has a delightful writing style and is *hilarious*.

[Alora Cobb · Rating 5 out of 5]

Informative✅

Hilarious✅

Both helpful and fun to read.

[Ali · Rating 1 out of 5]

Felt a little judgmental from the outset and more importantly outdated. I love etiquette books but this one was a miss for me. (Also didn't love the Q&A format.)

[Alexandria Blaelock · Rating 4 out of 5]

A very thorough resource on good manners, useful for all major rites of passage (birth, marriage. and death), as well as letters, forms of address and managing unruly children. Sadly a little dated now.

[Zeloma Rogers · Rating 5 out of 5]

I found the original of this book in of all places, a jail library. I spent 17 days there for giving a nursing home attendant a black eye. My charges were dropped when they gave him 3 years for abuse. Ah well, we all make our own choices.
I was desperate to find something to read. I needed to remove myself from the general population. Being somewhat of a little warrior, I was NOT in the right place.
I remember thinking when I saw the title that I might learn a thing or two about being nice before being violent. Know what? I did too. I became fascinated not just by the rules of behavior, but the reasons and history behind them. I actually memorized ways of "turning a card". Strangely enough it became a wonderful ice breaker for business in my later life. In fact I can honestly say now at the age of 50 something, this book was the sole reason why I could retire at 48.
When they dropped my charges I tried to take the book with me, they wouldn't allow it so I had to find my own copy which I still have. Now I see it has been updated. I will have to get the new one and see what's been changed.

[Lark of The Bookwyrm's Hoard · Rating 4 out of 5]

Miss Manners is certainly somewhat out of date (she predates the Internet, email, cell phones, and a number of other technological innovations), but she addresses both basic politeness in person and in writing, and more esoteric things like the placement and use of all those extra forks, knives, and spoons at a formal dinner, or what to call a bishop, a general, or an ambassador, should you happen to meet one. (Not an academic question for me as a teen, since I lived in the DC area and numbered several diplomats' children among my classmates.) Miss Manners is also very droll at times - intentionally and delightfully so. I only wish I knew of a good modern equivalent that deals with contemporary technology and societal expectations alongside the less changeable aspects of etiquette.

[Nicholas · Rating 4 out of 5]

When I got my first classroom as a beginning elementary teacher, I entered a room with no books or supplies, except, sitting on this one bookshelf, was this copy of Miss Manner’s Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior. I knew nothing about “Miss Manners” then, and had the impression she was the one who told you which fork to use at a formal dinner. However, I then got around to reading though the book and found she had quite a sense of humor as well as having just good level-headed advice. A nice book to just have around and read a few columns at a time. Her sensible and at times humorous advice is timeless, some of which I find myself still referring to these decades later.

[Sara · Rating 4 out of 5]

I loved Miss Manners when I was in high school and college. I had to read her in the newspaper. Read this book. Actually, I think I was often reading etiquette books because - well, I don't know why. Manners fascinated me. I don't even think I have the best of manners but it's my own fault - I've been well educated with Emily Post, Amy Vanderbilt, and Judith Martin. (Though I was a bit disturbed by Amy Vanderbilt's fall out the window.)

Enjoyed this book, good entertainment for a young woman. If I re-read it, I'm sure I'd still enjoy it.

[Emily · Rating 5 out of 5]

Judith Martin doesn't just write about manners, she is a philosopher and social commentator. Under her tutelage, one can learn a wealth of history. I find myself laughing frequently because she has a very sharp wit. Miss Manners has the wisdom to be flexible and foresee where custom has or will need to change with changing lifestyles. However, she is very staunch in defending and preserving those rules that continue to serve Americans well.

[Krista · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'm not sure why etiquette is so fascinating to me, but I really enjoyed this book! Miss Manners' wit makes even the dull topics fun to read. I doubt that I would buy this for my bookshelf at home, but I bet I'll check it out from the library again.

[Kaethe · Rating 5 out of 5]

Some people read etiquette for advise. I probably did at first, or maybe just because I'd read anything. Now I read etiquette for the humor and the human insight. And for the humor, Miss Manners is the top.

[Mark Desrosiers · Rating 5 out of 5]

Despite her name and her image, she ain't a prude. Plus she's a prose genius. And I know lots of prudes and pushy arseholes who could use a heavy dose of her advice. Essential reading.