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Losing Control, Finding Serenity: How the Need to Control Hurts Us and How to Let It go
What Would Your Life Be Like If You Simply Let Go of Control?
At work, they oversee every detail of every project and expect nothing less thanperfection from their coworkers.
At home, they obsess over finding the "right" person. Then, they criticize their lover or spouse for doingeverything wrong.
As parents, they practice zero tolerance for their children's preferred studypractices, choice of friends, dress choices, and differing life views.
Sound familiar? Everyone knows the type:micromanagers, nitpickers, and domestic despots. Yet, most people fail to recognize the signs of acompulsion to control in themselves--or realize the toll of their behavior ontheir career, their family, their friendships, and their own happiness.
In Losing Control, Finding Serenity: How the Need to Control Hurts Us and How to Let It Go (Ebb and Flow Press, 2011) Daniel Miller pinpoints the dangersof excessive control. What'smore, he shows those who feel the pressure to control how to break free andreap unexpected gifts.
Sharing his journey of transformation, Miller reveals what happened when he finallydecided to "surrender": his blinders fell away, new opportunities emerged, andhe experienced unprecedented, profound inner peace.
Drawing on psychological insights, spiritual wisdom, and the real-life stories ofacknowledged "control freaks," Losing Control, Finding Serenityguides readers through an honest inventory of their control patterns--whetherprodding, cajoling, withdrawing, playing the martyr, or intimidating--down tothe roots. As most controllerswill discover, their compulsion to control is provoked by deep-seated fear, anxieties,and insecurities, then aggravated by anger and resentments.
Filled with enlightening true stories, Losing Control, Finding Serenity
givesreaders the knowledge, the courage, the strategies, and the "decontrol" tools to:
*Identify and overcome the control triggers of fear, anger, and resentment.
*Reduce co-dependency
*Become a less domineering parent, build a family democracy, and reduce the struggleswith children.
*Find and keep the right person by accepting who he or she is rather than trying tochange their romantic partner.
*Free your creative flow and process.
*Delegate to and trust coworkers to reap increases in productivity, efficiency, and jobsatisfaction--and reduce conflict and dissension.
*Learn to be patient and calmly accept "what is," even when adversity strikes, to enjoy a more fulfilling and serene life.
In a chaotic, unpredictable world that's frequently beyond anyone's control, Losing Control, Finding Serenity offers welcome encouragement and validationfor going with the flow of life as it is: an ongoing, every changing mystery.
Find out how losing control really means gaining control.
At work, they oversee every detail of every project and expect nothing less thanperfection from their coworkers.
At home, they obsess over finding the "right" person. Then, they criticize their lover or spouse for doingeverything wrong.
As parents, they practice zero tolerance for their children's preferred studypractices, choice of friends, dress choices, and differing life views.
Sound familiar? Everyone knows the type:micromanagers, nitpickers, and domestic despots. Yet, most people fail to recognize the signs of acompulsion to control in themselves--or realize the toll of their behavior ontheir career, their family, their friendships, and their own happiness.
In Losing Control, Finding Serenity: How the Need to Control Hurts Us and How to Let It Go (Ebb and Flow Press, 2011) Daniel Miller pinpoints the dangersof excessive control. What'smore, he shows those who feel the pressure to control how to break free andreap unexpected gifts.
Sharing his journey of transformation, Miller reveals what happened when he finallydecided to "surrender": his blinders fell away, new opportunities emerged, andhe experienced unprecedented, profound inner peace.
Drawing on psychological insights, spiritual wisdom, and the real-life stories ofacknowledged "control freaks," Losing Control, Finding Serenityguides readers through an honest inventory of their control patterns--whetherprodding, cajoling, withdrawing, playing the martyr, or intimidating--down tothe roots. As most controllerswill discover, their compulsion to control is provoked by deep-seated fear, anxieties,and insecurities, then aggravated by anger and resentments.
Filled with enlightening true stories, Losing Control, Finding Serenity
givesreaders the knowledge, the courage, the strategies, and the "decontrol" tools to:
*Identify and overcome the control triggers of fear, anger, and resentment.
*Reduce co-dependency
*Become a less domineering parent, build a family democracy, and reduce the struggleswith children.
*Find and keep the right person by accepting who he or she is rather than trying tochange their romantic partner.
*Free your creative flow and process.
*Delegate to and trust coworkers to reap increases in productivity, efficiency, and jobsatisfaction--and reduce conflict and dissension.
*Learn to be patient and calmly accept "what is," even when adversity strikes, to enjoy a more fulfilling and serene life.
In a chaotic, unpredictable world that's frequently beyond anyone's control, Losing Control, Finding Serenity offers welcome encouragement and validationfor going with the flow of life as it is: an ongoing, every changing mystery.
Find out how losing control really means gaining control.
226 pages, Kindle Edition
First published February 1, 2011
222 people are currently reading
586 people want to read
About the author
Daniel A. Miller
3 books10 followersDaniel A. Miller is a speaker on control and acceptance issues, and the author of Losing Control, Finding Serenity: How the Need to Control Hurts Us and How to Let It Go, The Gifts of Acceptance: Embracing People and Things as They Are, a 2018 Library Journal Best Wellness Book of the Year, and The Way of the Wave: Nature's Model for Navigating Life's Currents. danielamiller.com
"The writing of Losing Control, Finding Serenity was a 25-year journey. Following a rapid fire series of traumatic events that shook me to the core, including an arsonist setting a fire below my son’s bedroom, a business betrayal, near bankruptcy, a natural disaster, and major surgeries to eradicate skin cancers, I purchased my first computer and began writing in a free-flow manner in an effort to make some sense of what I had gone through. I wrote about my gripping fear, unmitigated anger and resentment, powerful compulsion to control, and obsessive worrying. I kept writing as I faced new challenges and gained additional insights as to what brought me more peace and serenity, and less stress and conflict. My writings became my personal 'self-help' guide.
"Increasingly, it became apparent to me that there existed an inverse correlation between the compulsion to control and inner peace and security. I found that when I was able to let go of control, life’s 'natural currents' were freed, and when I engaged those currents intuitively and un-forcefully, unexpected and exciting rewards were bestowed upon me in all areas of my life. Conflicts diminished. Family bonds strengthened. Intimate relations became more intimate. My creative horizons expanded. And work became more rewarding and profitable.
"My writings eventually evolved into my book about control. It is my hope and desire that the 'decontrol' tools and strategies that I propose will enable others to gain the freedom and contentment that comes when you let go of control.
"In writing the book, it became apparent to me that the best antidote for control was acceptance. I decided to explore the acceptance dynamic through research, talking with others about acceptance, and examining my own struggles and experiences with acceptance. Five years later, The Gifts of Acceptance was published. The book garnered some awards and earned a starred review on Library Journal.
I had not planned to write another book. But while moving some boxes to a storage shed during Covid, I came across 15 chapters of an unpublished book I penned in 1988 called The Wave. The book was an attempt to use ocean waves as a metaphor for aligning with our life currents with greater ease and clarity. However, I didn't then know or understand enough about the workings of the Wave to articulate the concept well.
I decided to give the book another try by writing a couple chapters. Things flowed so smoothly that nearly 40 years later, The Way of The Wave: Nature's Model of Navigating Life's Currents will be published on March 18, 2025. Because the book is more personal than the others, I decided to narrate the audio book version."
"The writing of Losing Control, Finding Serenity was a 25-year journey. Following a rapid fire series of traumatic events that shook me to the core, including an arsonist setting a fire below my son’s bedroom, a business betrayal, near bankruptcy, a natural disaster, and major surgeries to eradicate skin cancers, I purchased my first computer and began writing in a free-flow manner in an effort to make some sense of what I had gone through. I wrote about my gripping fear, unmitigated anger and resentment, powerful compulsion to control, and obsessive worrying. I kept writing as I faced new challenges and gained additional insights as to what brought me more peace and serenity, and less stress and conflict. My writings became my personal 'self-help' guide.
"Increasingly, it became apparent to me that there existed an inverse correlation between the compulsion to control and inner peace and security. I found that when I was able to let go of control, life’s 'natural currents' were freed, and when I engaged those currents intuitively and un-forcefully, unexpected and exciting rewards were bestowed upon me in all areas of my life. Conflicts diminished. Family bonds strengthened. Intimate relations became more intimate. My creative horizons expanded. And work became more rewarding and profitable.
"My writings eventually evolved into my book about control. It is my hope and desire that the 'decontrol' tools and strategies that I propose will enable others to gain the freedom and contentment that comes when you let go of control.
"In writing the book, it became apparent to me that the best antidote for control was acceptance. I decided to explore the acceptance dynamic through research, talking with others about acceptance, and examining my own struggles and experiences with acceptance. Five years later, The Gifts of Acceptance was published. The book garnered some awards and earned a starred review on Library Journal.
I had not planned to write another book. But while moving some boxes to a storage shed during Covid, I came across 15 chapters of an unpublished book I penned in 1988 called The Wave. The book was an attempt to use ocean waves as a metaphor for aligning with our life currents with greater ease and clarity. However, I didn't then know or understand enough about the workings of the Wave to articulate the concept well.
I decided to give the book another try by writing a couple chapters. Things flowed so smoothly that nearly 40 years later, The Way of The Wave: Nature's Model of Navigating Life's Currents will be published on March 18, 2025. Because the book is more personal than the others, I decided to narrate the audio book version."
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Displaying 1 - 18 of 18 reviews
November 3, 2018
Great read. I read easily through the first part of the book. So relatable! The second part of the book was a lil hard reading because of the irrelevance to my particular self. It explains how to let go of control during sports/when doing art/in the workplace ect. The sports and art part were definitely unrelatable so I didn’t really care for that part.
So overal, definitely a great read! If you’re a controller or you feel like you might be, trust me reading this you will definitely know! + you get some useful tips how to let go. It has given me a different perspective on how to go about things and it has given me tips to learn to let go.
So overal, definitely a great read! If you’re a controller or you feel like you might be, trust me reading this you will definitely know! + you get some useful tips how to let go. It has given me a different perspective on how to go about things and it has given me tips to learn to let go.
March 1, 2015
It's one of the best and most helpful books I've ever read. Not only does it give you advice on how to give up on control in various aspects of your life, but it flows so easily and naturally that it calms you just by enjoying the ride. A definite must-read for all people facing the anxiety and frustration in their lives!
November 11, 2017
For a book that took twenty years to write, I wish it weren’t so... generic. Does anyone else hate self-help books that give you little vignettes of people’s lives and what worked for them? It drives me nuts.
March 17, 2018
Not a bad attempt at tackling the issue of controlling behaviour and how it can damage relationships, an area that is severely underrepresented in terms of self development book.
Found the anecdotes to be a little too form fitting to each lesson and I suspect that some may have been fabricated to demonstrate the point.
If I could give half stars I would give this 3.5 but it is not good enough for 4 unfortunately.
Found the anecdotes to be a little too form fitting to each lesson and I suspect that some may have been fabricated to demonstrate the point.
If I could give half stars I would give this 3.5 but it is not good enough for 4 unfortunately.
March 28, 2021
Very basic ideas that was pretty much common sense. But good reminders
July 5, 2022
I really liked this booked, it's packed with valuable tips on how to release and let go and stop controlling
July 19, 2023
This book was fantastic! I’ve learned a lot from this book that I’ll use in my day-to-day life—such a smooth, easy read.
April 3, 2025
I just didn’t connect with the book :(((
May 24, 2013
Losing Control, Finding Serenity is a self-help book about how being controlling – over people and events – disrupts the natural course of life and hinders life and relationships. This is a book for everyone, because almost everyone does some degree of controlling in their lives. This book will help you realize where you have been controlling in your life and how to be less controlling. It also discusses the author’s past experiences as a controlling person and how his life is different since he stopped being controlling and began trusting in the natural “waves” of life. He speaks about how various aspects of his life – finances, relationships, career, and hobbies – has improved since he stepped out of the way and let life take over. His personality and perspective on life has improved by being less controlling. He has less stress and worry. He shares how you too can let go of control and find happiness and success.
The book covers many topics that are helpful for losing control: what being controlling is like and how it hurts people, how to stop controlling behaviors, how to learn acceptance, how to embrace your personal truths, how to be less fearful and trust that life will turn out how it’s supposed to, how to let go of anger and resentments, and how to stop avoiding tasks that you are apprehensive about. The book also describes and explains how to let go of control in certain parts of life, such as parenting, relationships, sports, the arts, and work.
This book is well worth the small investment. It is full of information on control, examples of the author and his friends of their controlling lives and how they changed, and how to change your controlling behaviors and your controlling personality. This book has the power to change your life for the better. I learned a lot from it and I highly recommend it.
The book covers many topics that are helpful for losing control: what being controlling is like and how it hurts people, how to stop controlling behaviors, how to learn acceptance, how to embrace your personal truths, how to be less fearful and trust that life will turn out how it’s supposed to, how to let go of anger and resentments, and how to stop avoiding tasks that you are apprehensive about. The book also describes and explains how to let go of control in certain parts of life, such as parenting, relationships, sports, the arts, and work.
This book is well worth the small investment. It is full of information on control, examples of the author and his friends of their controlling lives and how they changed, and how to change your controlling behaviors and your controlling personality. This book has the power to change your life for the better. I learned a lot from it and I highly recommend it.
May 10, 2011
I felt like I should have been an alcoholic or drug addict after reading this book. In almost every chapter a twelve step program is mentioned as the way to "lose control". Also I don't think the author did any research on controling personalities. The entire book seems to be written from personal experience which isn't enough to make me take this book seriously.
November 16, 2016
Good book
This was a good read. Not earth shattering in aha moments, but probably the best place to start taking baby steps toward living a life that goes more with the flow rather than swimming upstream against it, trying to control the current of a river instead of tubing along it!
This was a good read. Not earth shattering in aha moments, but probably the best place to start taking baby steps toward living a life that goes more with the flow rather than swimming upstream against it, trying to control the current of a river instead of tubing along it!
July 2, 2016
Táto kniha mi na začiatku mojej cesty k vnútornému pokoju dala celkom veľa. Jej obsah a so širším kontextom a súvislosťami sa opakuje aj v knihách o mindfulness a pod., no v čase jej čítania bola táto kniha pre mňa zjavením.
May 10, 2013
It's good book for self improvement. Love it very much!
April 16, 2011
I won this book in a goodreads contest. I'm looking forward to seeing if this book helps to bring a sense of peace into my life. I'm a college student so I'm willing to give anything a shot.
Want to read
April 16, 2011Woot!!!!!!! I just won this book on Goodreads Giveaways! I can't wait to read it! Thank you for the opportunity to win great books!! <3
August 7, 2011
I received this book through Goodreads First Reads. Some of the information could be applied to my life, but it became a little repetitive for me.
September 6, 2011
As someone with control issues, this book helped me immensely. I need to read this every couple of months I'm sure. It has helped me so much.
Displaying 1 - 18 of 18 reviews