Always Remember to Tip Your Ninja: And Other Maxims for the Clinically Absurd

by Jeremy C. Shipp

What is the secret of happiness?

Can the laws of attraction help you to cheat death?

What's the best way to get rich during the zombie apocalypse?

How do you fix your life with nothing but a spork and a DVD box set of “Charles in Charge”?

Why do you see evil clowns every time you close your eyes?

These are just some of the questions this book won't answer for you.

ALWAYS REMEMBER TO TIP YOUR NINJA contains 99 absurd maxims that will change your life forever, or at least make you chortle.

Here's a tasty

"The pen is mightier than the sword, if you know where to poke it."

"The best part about being in a pickle is eating your way out."

"Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. But leave the mimes outside in the cold where they belong."

Praise for Jeremy C.

"I'm convinced Jeremy Shipp is a little bit crazy, in the best possible way."
--Jeff VanderMeer, author of City of Saints & Madmen

"Jeremy Shipp is a very good drug."
--John Skipp, author of The Emerald Burrito of Oz

"Two thumbs up!"
--Midwest Book Review

Genres: Humor, Nonfiction, Comedy

101 pages, Nook

First published September 13, 2011

About the author

Jeremy C. Shipp is the Bram Stoker and Shirley Jackson Award-nominated author of The Atrocities, Bedfellow, and Cursed. Their shorter tales have appeared in over 60 publications, including Cemetery Dance, Dark Moon Digest and Apex Magazine. Jeremy lives in Southern California in a moderately haunted Farmhouse. Their online home is jeremycshipp.com.

“Jeremy C. Shipp’s boldness, daring, originality, and sheer smarts make them one of the most vital younger writers who have colonized horror literature in the past decade. Shipp’s modernist clarity, plus their willingness to risk damn near everything, put them up at the head of the pack with the very best.” ―Peter Straub

“Shipp’s clear, insistent voice pulls you down into the rabbit hole and doesn’t let go.” ―Jack Ketchum

“I’m convinced Jeremy Shipp is a little bit crazy, in the best possible way. This is one of those books that alters your brain in a way similar to Philip K. Dick.” —Jeff VanderMeer

Reviews

[Michael · Rating 4 out of 5]

A short but humorous collection of bizarre tips to make everyday life better. The perfect book for when you need an odd pick-me-up.

[Robert Beveridge · Rating 4 out of 5]

Jeremy C. Shipp, Always Remember to Tip Your Ninja and Other Maxims for the Clinically Absurd (Attic Clown Press, 2011)

Admit it. You, assuming you were old enough to even remember such things, are one of the fools who plunked down $12.95 for a copy of the Deep Thoughts compilation the Saturday Night Live crew put out twenty years ago. You must have been, because the damned thing sold like hotcakes. I know this from personal experience, I was managing a bookstore at the time. In any case, here we have an updated, bizarro, and infintely superior book of homilies, Jeremy C. Shipp's Always Remember to Tip Your Ninja and Other Maxims for the Clinically Absurd. I was planning on spending my one-paragrapher comparing it to the Handey book (this one is twelve times cheaper and a lot funnier), but as I write this I find myself wanting to compare it more to other bizarro books. Shipp has a subtler sense of humor than a lot of bizarro I've read, which I appreciate. I grant you, “more subtle” is a relative term; where someone like Andersen Prunty or Jordan Krall has all the subtlety of a week-old dead haddock (and I say that with the greatest love, guys), Shipp is a week-old dead haddock who has at least been forgotten in the back of the fishmonger's freezer, and has thus decayed less rapidly. I expected this stuff to be the kind of out-of-left-field originality that one expects from bizarro, but instead Shipp takes his launchpads all too often from the dumbest clichés, old saws, and wives' tales you've ever heard, and simply amplifies the dumb a little. Now THAT'S comedy! And if you're dusting along a bookshelf you totally forgot you had and run across a copy of Deep Thoughts, then trust me, you owe it to yourself to buy a copy of this. *** ½

[Amber DiTullio · Rating 5 out of 5]

I don't know why I go out looking for new books when I have so many already on my reading list. But I do because I firmly believe that you can never have too many books. And the good thing with going overboard with eBooks is that I can find a lot of interesting books that are listed as free. I don't have to find room on my shelves, I can feed my addiction and it isn't costing me a penny. How great is that?

This morning, I was doing my usual perusal of possible free books that would make it into my owned pile when I came across Always Remember to Tip Your Ninja: And Other Maxims for the Clinically Absurd by Jeremy C. Shipp. I was in need of a little chuckle, so I bought it. And even though I should have been spending that time getting my boys ready for school, I couldn't resist flipping through it. Luckily, it isn't a long book so I was able to take care of my kids and finish a book that started my morning with laughter.

Within the electronic pages of these books, I found absurd statements, brilliant puns, and a few moments of, "Now how would that work?" There were very few that didn't elicit a chuckle and more than a few that caused out right laughter.

Is it great literature? Of course not. It's not trying to be. But for a book of humorous absurdities and plays on words, I can't ask for better. Now I can't wait for my husband to get home so I can press it into his hands with the command to read.

[Eric Townsend · Rating 4 out of 5]

For this particular book I thought it would be fitting to pick out my top 10 favorite absurd maxims to give you a little taste of what is inside this hilarious piece by the always amazing (and bizarre) Jeremy C. Shipp. So without further ado, here's my top 10 in reverse order:

10. If you wake up and smell the coffee, you need to find out who broke into your house.

9. Rubber chicken soup is beneficial for the clown's soul.

8. Juggling babies is almost always wrong.

7. You can tell a lot about a person by what he screams in his sleep.

6. Evil twins are people too.

5. The best part about being in a pickle is eating your way out.

4. If you're feeling stressed out, take a deep breath, close your eyes, and imagine a world without the Star Wars prequels.

3. Imitation is the sincerest form of copyright infringement.

2. Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. But leave the mimes out in the cold where they belong.

1. Kill zombies for the rush, but eat their brains for the irony.

As with everything Jeremy C. Shipp has written I loved this piece. It was short but loaded with hilarity and just what I needed to perk me up today. I definitely recommend it!

Rating 4/5

[Sarah · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a cute and witty collection of things to ponder and words to live by. If you've never thought about the gumdropocalypse, you really should. This reminded me of "Deep Thoughts" by Jack Handy. Remember, evil twins are people too.

[Donald · Rating 4 out of 5]

I smiled the whole way through this. It is absurd. It is bizarre. I think Jeremy might be just a teensie bit crazy, in a good way.

Also: I wish there was a way to leave this open on my Kindle, while it is idle on my coffee table.

[David Cole · Rating 5 out of 5]

A very quick read, but fun.

[Roxanne Bland · Rating 4 out of 5]

Full of fresh new witticims, this is a book I'd recommend for anyone who wants a fast read and some laughs.

[Aric · Rating 4 out of 5]

It's a quick, funny read. Think of it as a bunch of witty discarded slips from a bunch of fortune cookies. Downloaded onto my Kindle free from Amazon. I recommend it.

[Kathie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Cute. Absurd. Short. Free on Kindle.

[S. Wilson · Rating 5 out of 5]

In the tradition of Jim Handy or Shower Thoughts, this is a collection of weird and twisted notions, one per page, for humorous perusing. "Shadow puppets seem insubstantial, but they're real enough to hurt your feelings." Basically Bizarro Poetry, but GOOD Bizarro Poetry. Silly Ninjas.

[Φλεγύας · Rating 3 out of 5]

Yeah, uhmmm, truth be told, I wanted to like this book. I had no clue what it was gonna be like when I started reading it but the title alone and the graphic on the front page had me rooting for it.
I can't say it was bad. It wasn't.
But, it was definitely not as good as I would have wanted it to be.
There are a couple (or more) of little "maxims" that I found absolutely hysterical.
The rest were alright.
Oh, granted, language may be an issue here. So, take my foreign point of view with a grain of salt.
It only takes about 20 minutes to finish so, I'd definitely say that it's something interesting to keep around for a moment of "nothing-better-to-do".

[CatholicBibliophagist · Rating 2 out of 5]

I have to admit that the only reason I read this is because it was free for the Kindle.

A few of these quirky little maxims are funny. The rest are just okay -- or even kind of dumb.

Unless you typed them up on little slips of paper and inserted them into fortune cookies when making the recipe for Giant Fortune Cookies on page 42 of Cookies: Step By Step Techniques by Sunset.

That's when a message such as "Never trust a monkey wearing sunglasses" is particularly apt.

[Frank · Rating 2 out of 5]

Jeremy Shipp's ALWAYS REMEMBER TO TIP YOUR NINJA a a collection of 99 offbeat wittisisms. The namesake title being one with additional gems like: Enemies are just friends that hate you and The pen is mightier then the sword if you know where to poke it. This is what I would call the worlds first coffee table eBook. Only two stars for the sake of it not being a story of any sort but I could extend it to a third star if I could print it out and put it out for topical discussion at parties.

[Donald Armfield · Rating 5 out of 5]

Not what I expected. well I thought it came with a short story or two as well. But definitely made me say Mr. Shipp is one that flew way over the cuckoo's nest.
A few of my favorites words of wisdom or what you want to call em.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away, if you throw it hard enough.

Talking toilets have potty mouths.

Those who live in glass houses, shouldn't do nude yoga.

Don't raise an army of flying monkeys unless you're a fan of flying poop.

[Sarah · Rating 3 out of 5]

Always Remember to Tip Your Ninja is a collection of more or less funny slogans. It was entertaining enough for three quick lunch breaks, but I'm happy I got it for free. I have to say I never buy books without a story to them, though, so it might be just me.
Some of the "maxims" were really funny, others were quite dumb, and some I simply didn't understand.

[Sarah · Rating 2 out of 5]

It was free, so I shouldn't complain too much! But while a couple of the 'maxims' were amusing, mostly they were just odd or silly. The one per page pads out the 'book', which is really only a couple of pages at most otherwise - I read it all in probably about five minutes?

Overall just a bit pointless, not as funny as it thinks it is, and brief to the point of not being there.

[Jennie · Rating 3 out of 5]

I'm very glad this was free, as it took all of about 3 seconds to read. However, they were a VERY enjoyable 3 seconds, and I giggled a lot. If you have a slightly warped sense of humor and like quotations you'll enjoy this...

[Adam Smith · Rating 5 out of 5]

Short book. Funny book. Very little to do with ninjas book.

This book is a lot shorter than I was expecting, not really sure what I was expecting; probably more ninjas.

Some of these phrases are especially hillarious. Definitely worth reading.

[Sara · Rating 4 out of 5]

Funny and Fast!!! This book took exactly the length of time to read as my bus trip into work this morning. It was a perfect way to start the day...laughing! I am sure some people thought I was crazy as I let a few of them slip loudly!

[Katy · Rating 5 out of 5]

HILARIOUS! Short, but full of funny stuff!

[Beca · Rating 3 out of 5]

What a silly, crazy, delightful book.

This is a good read for the bored reader who enjoys absurdities. :)

[Cheryl · Rating 3 out of 5]

Cute little sideways looks at familiar quotations. A couple made me laugh. Since there was one per kindle 'page' it was a lot of clicking.

[Minakshi · Rating 2 out of 5]

"Waldo was in your heart all along."

[K.C. Beaumont · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'm gonna need every page of this embroidered on a t-shirt. Please and thank you.

[Rich Meyer · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is literally a five-minute read for any but the slowest of readers. Just a bunch of humorous one-liners and non-sequitors, but there were enough funny ones to make it worth the price (free!).

[Sarahanne · Rating 2 out of 5]

So - take about 90 of your best one liners or comebacks, put one on each page, and call it a book. Some were funny, most were silly. It was ok. Reading it took about 10 minutes.

[Crystal · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a super short book of funny quotes. I read it on my Kindle and highlighted several funny quotes. Some were bland. Some were hilarious. :)

[Jesse · Rating 4 out of 5]

Funny, irreverent, and clever. I may have to add these maxims to my everyday vernacular.

[Sandi · Rating 1 out of 5]

While some of the maxims are cute, there's just too many of them and the book tries so hard to be fun and funny but it falls quite short.