Intimate Relationships by Rowland Miller

by Rowland S. Miller

Drawing on psychology, family studies, sociology, communication studies, and neuroscience, Intimate Relationships is a comprehensive and current overview of relationship science written in an engaging and accessible style. The seventh edition of this best-selling text includes new, thought-provoking teaching tools and over 600 new references.

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Genres: Psychology, Nonfiction, Relationships, School, Textbooks, Sociology, Self Help

Paperback

First published October 3, 2014

Reviews

[时间的玫瑰 · Rating 5 out of 5]

想推荐给所有经历过，在维持和决定结束亲密关系的朋友们。并不是自助工具图书，主要是对lab实验及统计数据的归纳和分析，我觉得可以更好地帮助有心的人去反思。
1.big five测试里 神经质neuroticism 得分高的人更有可能不幸福。
2.性格，观念，背景，越相似的couple越可能更为愉悦地相处且长相厮守。
3.相比性别角色更为相像的配偶，大男子主义的丈夫和女人味十足的妻子（符合传统社会对两性的期望的）彼此感受到的理解更少，情义更少。
4.（敲桌子表示重要）如果女方，她的亲密女性好友都反对某段感情，那么这段感情将来幸福的可能性也是会相对较低的。

[Melodie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Read this for a course on Interpersonal Relations. I find the topics discussed here to be very insightful and that I will definitely benefit from its material in my future relationships. I read a lot of romance novels and its good to have something scientific to put things into perspective. I will be forever thankful that I read this book. The most valuable lesson I took from it is that to maintain a relationship, both partners have to contribute, to establish good communications, to constantly put in effort...even after the Happily Ever After.

[Menchie Wu · Rating 4 out of 5]

Some interesting things from the book that stood out for me:

- Attachment styles, which are “global orientations towards intimate relationships”, it is something humans develop during infancy based on the responses they received from their caregivers.
If the caregiver is *always* readily available when infants call and appear loving and nurturing, the babies will learn to trust people and regard them as a source of security and kindness and are likely to develop the *secure* style pf attachment.
On the other hand, if attentive care is unpredictable and inconsistent, and is cold sometimes and loving other times, the children are like to develop mixed feelings about others. This is known as *anxious-ambivalent* attachment.
And the other extreme would be children get rejected and receive hostile treatment, who would gradually withdraw from others and have an *avoidant* style of attachment.
And attachment styles play an important role later in one’s intimate relationship and they provide insights on, for example, how a person handles conflicts, expresses their feelings.

- Self-monitoring, which refers to “people’s tendency to regulate their social behavior to meet the demand of social situations”. Man who is *high* self-monitors” are those who are sensitive to the impressions they make on others—and here is the fun part— they would tend to seek *good-looking* partners, select employees who are attractive but less talented

- As for self-disclosure, i.e. the process of revealing personal information to someone else, there is something called the social penetration, imagine a pie, disclosing oneself and getting to know someone is like sliding a wedge from the edge of the pie to the center, the center the wedge gets, the higher the intimate level becomes. And what’s fascinating is due to the shape of the wedge, the intersection of the wedge and the pie has more breadth increase than depth initially, this relates to people talking about a *wide* range of stuff when first meet before anything gets deeper; Then as a relationship becomes more intimate, with every inch the wedge moves towards the center, the intersection increases more in depth than width

- One of the common relationship taboos, curiously, is the relationship itself. People think the future of the relationship is better off not to be mentioned

- Different gender interprets “silence” differently: women think when their men are not complaining, everything is fine; while men think if the women are not expressing enough affection, something is up. This is due to the sex difference where women tend to be *high in expressivity*, and men tend to be high on *instrumentality*.

- Some dysfunctional communication so you can acknowledge it and steer clear of it:
- yes-butting: “yeah we can try what you suggested, but it’s probably not gonna work”…
- cross-complaining: complaining about the person's character flaw instead of a thing the person did, say “I feel annoyed when you leave socks on the floor” v.s “You are such a sloppy person”
- kitchen-sinking: addressing several topics at once, which causes the primary concern to get lost in the barrage of frustrations
- Tips:
- be careful using the words “always”, “never”, be specific about the behavior that annoys you, because it not only tells the partner what’s on our minds, it focuses the conversation on discrete, manageable behaviors that can be readily changed.
- A handy way to use behavior description and “I” statements to communicate is to use the XYZ statement. “When you do X in situation Y, I feel Z”, e.g. When you interrupted me just now, I felt annoyed.
- To understand your partner better, try paraphrasing, rephrasing the message, and repeat it back, try your best to understand your partner.
- Do *perception checking*, “you seem to be a bit annoyed by what I just said, is it right?”, because care and consideration is always appreciated by the person receiving the message
- To set up meetings regularly for you and your partner to politely, and coolly express the dissatisfaction, as knowing a problem will be addressed makes it easier to be pleasant to your partner for the rest of the week.
- Validation. “yes, I can see where you are coming from, but I’d like you to try to understand my feelings too”

- Everyone being in a relationship is an accountant without self-awareness, as we are constantly evaluating the reward and cost associated with the current relationship and its alternatives

- Ostracism/Silent treatment as a way of punishing people or avoiding confrontation does not work. The victim of the ostracism rarely know what is happening, They know they are being rejected, and they would tend to be more angry, frustrated than guilty, and contrite.

- Jealousy:
- Anatomy of jealousy hurt, anger, fear. *Hurt* comes from the perception that the partner does not value us enough to honor the commitment of the relationships, *Anger* and “Fear” result from the dreadful prospect of abandonment and loss.
- Women are jealousy of *emotional infidelity* whereas men are more jealous of *sexual infidelity*. Because a man is not as sure as a women whether a child is theirs, and he certainly does not want to raise another male’s offspring, and from an evolutionary point of view, his women having *sex* with others is more threatening to a man than *love* does. On the contrary, as women historically depended on men, having the *love* and the care and shelter that comes with it is more important than making sure he impregnates other women.
- To cope with jealousy:
- Make clear that jealousy is a sign of dependency rather than “true love”
- work on rude the connection between the exclusivity of a relationship and one’s sense of self-worth

- Source of power: power is based on the control of valuable resources. One does not need to possess the particular item that you desire to have power over you, if the person controls access to the item, it would be enough. In a relationship, the intimate partner has control over self-disclosure and physical affection and therefore has power over us

- 4 dialectics that contribute to conflicts in relationships:
- 1. one’s autonomy vs connection to others
- 2. openness vs closeness(disclosure vs intimate info exchange)
- 3. stability vs change(liking things state yet longing for novelty and excitement)
- 4. integration with vs separation from others outside of the intimate relationship(going out with the girls vs staying in and snuggle with your loved one

- 4 events that trigger conflicts:
- 1. criticism
- 2. illegitimate demands
- 3. rebuffs to one’s advances in sex, invitation, etc
- 4. cumulative annoyances: trivial events that are irritating add up

- Managing anger:
- “expressing anger when you feel angry always make you feel angrier”
- try a different thought, why is your partner behaving this way? listen to the song beneath the words, your partner will appreciate it when you make an effort trying to understand them
- chill out, be the one to temporarily drop the issue, and give more thoughts to it before resume discussion, this will eliminate saying things you don’t mean
- Why modern marriage divorce is higher than before, two reasons out of many: we are less connected to others around them than we used to be, and as a result:
- 1. we are more dependent on our partners for companionship and support
- 2. we are less affected by social normal(discouraging divorces)

- Shyness: Being shy leaves people with the impression that the person is not sociable, which is ironically the opposite of what shy people want them to feel. Shy people worry about what people think of them, and dread disapproval from others but don’t feel capable of making favorable impressions that would avoid such disapproval. So they adopted a relatively withdrawn style of interaction, and the aloof behavior often appears to be dull or disinterested to others.

- Loneliness:
- 2 types:
- 1. social: resulting from lacking *social network* of friends
- 2. emotional: resulting from *one single intense* relationship
- Being alone can be an opportunity to develop an understanding of one’s feelings and need. *The more self-acknowledged one becomes, the better-equipped one may be to have realistic, accepting, and loving relationships with others.

- Some tips one can do to have a better relationship
- positivity: try to be cheerful, and attempt to make the interactions enjoyable
- openness: encourage the party to disclose thoughts and feelings to me, seek to discuss the quality of the relationship
- assurance: stress my commitment to them, imply our relationship has a future
- sharing a social network: focus on common friends, show I am willing to do things with their friends/family
- sharing tasks: do my fair share of work
- sharing activities: share time doing something together, share specific routine activities with them
- support: seek advice, give support when it’s needed
- conflict management: apologies when I am wrong, be patient, reasonable and understanding with my partner
- avoidance: avoid discussing certain topics, respect their privacy and the need to be alone
- humor: who does not like a funny nickname or some teases

[Glencora · Rating 2 out of 5]

This is a great book for people who have trouble sustaining intimate relationships but for is rather intuitive for those who are old hats at intimate negotiation. It is not quite as analytical as I would prefer for a school text book but it is very approachable.

[Jemma · Rating 4 out of 5]

read this book cover to cover for one of my classes in my last semester of college!

overall, it's not designed to be a self-help book, but it's an incredible analysis of (mostly western) romantic and nonromantic relationships and offers new perspectives to examine the many aspects of the relationships we have in our lives. this book def helped me think more critically about my own personal relationships. this book not only explores relationships at a micro level (person-to-person) but huge cultural and generational shifts in the ways (western) society has changed our perceptions of how relationships should be. tldr; we're way over-romanticizing what modern partnerships should look like, which has set up our generation for disappointment in our partners.

if you're strapped for time and can't read all 600 pages, but are still interested in learning more about relationship psychology, my favorite chapters/themes in the book are the following:
- attachment styles: if you find out what style do you adhere the most to, the book almost always addresses how each attachment style fares in relationships, as well as what corrective experiences you will most likely need to overcome common barriers to your specific attachment style
- attributions: two types, distress-maintaining and relationship-enhancing. really straightforward concept of understand the way you attribute the actions of your partner in ways that enhance or distress your relationship(s), not just romantic. was very eye-opening and is one of the most practical takeaways from this book
- chapter on (nonviolent) communication, but i also recommend reading the actual book by marshall rosenberg too! essentially, we commonly communicate in violent ways w/o thinking about the way our statements are subjectively framed to attack/assign blame the person we're communicating with, esp. during conflict. also one of the most practical topics in this book.

some caveats before you decide to read:
- this book has some... strong opinions about folks that skew high on neuroticism and are also insecurely attached (mostly anxious-preoccupied attachment styles), often assigning almost a very final say in the way folks who fall into these categories will find it very hard to maintain fulfilling relationships, which i think is something to be very weary/critical of. while miller backs some of this up with data, the way the research is framed to put these folks down is almost sometimes ... condescending?? which was p frustrating,, i had a hard time reading those parts bc it just doesn't align w my personal experiences/beliefs!! neurotic/insecurely attached folks can and do find love!! 💖
- if you're non gender conforming or don't identify as straight: it's very clear that psychological research and relationship science has a lot of catching up to do. LGBTQ folks and non monogamy are often an afterthought in most of these chapters, if mentioned at all.

overall tho i really did enjoy reading this book; rarely do i think we critically think about and address our relationships in the context of academic studies and practical methods bc it's pretty taboo (western cultures often encourage and romanticize a happily ever after/destiny mindset of relationships). this book is a great reminder that relationships take a lot of work, there's a lot that can and does go wrong, but that there are systems we can deconstruct to find solutions :') generally, i think everyone should read this at one point because it's rarely taught in academic (or even family) contexts.

[Allison Nelson · Rating 4 out of 5]

I had to read this book for my Intimate Relationships class this semester. I typically don't read textbooks cover to cover, but this one genuinely held my interest. Well-written, engaging, and full of information that I could definitely see myself carrying into my future friendships and relationships.

[Rae]

For a required text book, I didn't find this one particularly painful to read. The content was interesting and the writing wasn't bad either. I suppose it helps that the course was interesting, too, but if you're looking to learn more about the ways people relate with one another, this is a useful book!

[Ashley · Rating 4 out of 5]

I don't normally add text books to these types of things but this one I will actually use outside of school. If you're in a relationship, there is a ton of advise on how to communicate, understand each other, and deal with conflict appropriatly.

[Skeptic · Rating 5 out of 5]

Awesome textbook, applies to life on a personal level.

[Kate · Rating 5 out of 5]

best textbook I’ve ever read

[Brynn De Bruyn · Rating 5 out of 5]

PHENOMENAL. I cannot rave about this book enough. Probably the first actual textbook I read word for word, cover to cover. I ADORE the psychology of close relationships and apply it every single day. Everyone should read this. Everyone should dabble in psychology.

Rowland S. Miller, I ❤️ U.

[probably · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very informative and scholarly on a descriptive level. The 70-page long bibliography is formidable! But the lack of normative analysis is somewhat frustrating. In spite of this, it's a great book and by all means, everybody should read this before they engage in any intimate relationships.

[Vee · Rating 5 out of 5]

I started reading this for my Interpersonal Relationships psychology class but finished it on my own. I highly enjoyed this book, learned many new things, and would recommend it to anyone interested in learning about relationships.

[Ksenia · Rating 5 out of 5]

My only wish is that this book could be even longer and that I could read the updated editions every year. I love this subject and found knowing the truths, some of which may break previous expectations, to be helpful in understanding what to expect. Loved it.

[Tricia · Rating 5 out of 5]

Loved this book in my psychology of love class.

[Allegra · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was an amazing book! I will keep and refer to it for years!

[Adam · Rating 4 out of 5]

Cover to cover, the most depressing/helpful book a hopeless romantic could read.

[Patricia Lott · Rating 4 out of 5]

I started this book with the intention of not liking it. I have taught the Psychology of Relationships for 18 years and I love the way that I teach it...Face to face. Tis term I was hit with a double dislike: 1) teaching this class on line and 2) needing to find a new textbook because I could not bring the face to face experience on line. Well, I was pleasantly surprised. I actually like this text book...a lot. My students LOVE this text. Definitely happy that I made the decision to use this text.

[Zarina · Rating 4 out of 5]

the least painful textbook i've read

[Barack Liu · Rating 5 out of 5]

380-Intimate Relationships-Rowland Miller-Psychology-2006

Barack
2021/11/21

" Intimate Relationships ", the first edition was published in 2006. It discusses the basics, activity patterns, types, contradictions, and restoration of intimate relationships. After reading this book, you will be attracted to interpersonal attraction, love, marriage, commitment, friendship, passion, communication, sex, attachment, mate choice, jealousy, Have a new understanding of all aspects of intimacy such as derailment and domestic violence. Intimacy is the core of the human experience. If it is handled well, it can bring great happiness to people. If it is not handled well, it can cause major trauma. Therefore, a scientific understanding of intimacy is vital to the happiness of each of us.

Rowland Miller is a professor of psychology, his main research field is social emotions, such as embarrassment, intimacy, etc.

Table of Contents
1. The Building Blocks of Relationships
2. Research Methods
3. Attraction
4. Social Cognition
5. Communication
6. Interdependency
7. Friendship
8. Love
9. Sexuality
10. Stresses and Strains

" A few of us would enjoy the solitude for a while, but most of us would quickly find it surprisingly stressful to be completely detached from other people (Schachter, 1959). Most of us need others even more than we realize."

Humans are social animals. We need other people. This is not only because we need to guarantee our own basic survival. We need the company of other people as well as a psychological and emotional choice. In a reciprocal relationship, your emotions also need to be invested in each other. Just like a bank, if you only withdraw from it without depositing it, no matter how large the balance is, it will eventually be exhausted one day.

“ Our relationships with others are central aspects of our lives. They can bring us great joy when they go well, but cause great sorrow when they go poorly. Our relationships are indispensable and vital, so it's useful to understand how they start, how they operate, how they thrive, and how, sometimes, they end in a haze of anger and pain."

What can bring us a strong sense of pleasure often also carries the risk of causing great pain. How to deal with intimacy is an important proposition in a person's life, but we often do not have enough preparation in life. Some people may get a full understanding of it during the first 18 years of their family education, while others may lack this lesson.

“ What, then, is intimacy? That's actually a complex question because intimacy is a multifaceted concept with several different components (Prager et al., 2013). It's generally held (Ben-Ari & Lavee, 2007) that intimate relationships differ from more casual associations in at least seven specific ways: knowledge, interdependence, caring, trust, responsiveness, mutuality, and commitment."

The first type of intimacy we come into contact with is often family affection, then friendship, and finally love. Take love as an example. In a good relationship, two people must have enough understanding of each other; and they depend on each other and need each other. If both sides feel that they don’t need each other, then why should they be together; in addition, they also need to know each other. There must be real care; there must be trust, and there must be a sense of responsibility. The sense of responsibility is also mutual. Even sometimes, knowing that it may not be fulfilled, we may make some promises to each other.

" According to theorists Roy Baumeister and Mark Leary (1995), we need frequent, pleasant interactions with intimate partners in lasting, caring relationships if we're to function normally. There is a human need to belong in close relationships, and if the need is not met, a variety of problems follows."

Intimate relationships, especially love in intimate relationships, reflect the sense of belonging more clearly, and love has strong exclusivity. But sometimes it may not be so obvious in terms of mastery. For example, girls may not like boys who have a strong desire for control, but on the other hand, for boys who have a weak desire for control, girls may feel that the other person does not love them.

“ It also doesn't matter much who our partners are; as long as they provide us stable affection and acceptance, our need can be satisfied. Thus, when an important relationship ends, we are often able to find replacement partners who—though they may be quite different from our previous partners— are nonetheless able to satisfy our need to belong (Spielmann et al., 2012)."

So the way for many people to get rid of the pain of ending a relationship is to start another relationship. We need to fill in such a gap, which makes us feel uneasy and frightens us. And even if the new person is with the previous person, his presence and company can make us feel happy.

“ Elderly widows and widowers are much more likely to die in the first few months after the loss of their spouses than they would have been had their marriages continued (Elwert & Christakis, 2008), and a divorce also increases one's risk of an early death (Zhang et al., 2016).”

In fact, this is understandable, loneliness not only gives a negative effect on psychology but also brings a lot of inconvenience in daily life. This kind of anxiety subtly can shorten people's lifespan.

“ Back in 1965, almost everyone (94 percent) married at some point in their lives, but more people remain unmarried today. Demographers now predict that fewer than 80 percent of young adults will ever marry (and that proportion is even lower in Europe [ Perelli-Harris & Lyons-Amos, 2015]).”

If there are no other strong interventions or changes, it is foreseeable that low marriage rates and low fertility rates will inevitably intensify in the future. When individuals’ lives become more and more prosperous, people’s demand for real human companionship can actually be learned from Other places are replaced, such as TV series, movies, variety shows, video games, and so on. It is also because people’s requirements for life are getting higher and higher. People not only put forward higher requirements for their own quality of life, but also for the quality of life of their next generation. It is also because of this sense of pressure that people worry that they will not be able to become a good partner and good parents postpone or even not enter the palace of marriage.

“ Here's a term you probably haven't seen before: singlism. It refers to prejudice and discrimination against those who choose to remain single and opt not to devote themselves to a primary romantic relationship. Many of us assume that normal people want to be a part of a romantic couple, so we find it odd when anyone chooses instead to stay single. The result is a culture that offers benefits to married couples and puts singles at a disadvantage with regard to such things as Social Security benefits, insurance rates, and service in restaurants (DePaulo, 2014)."

From a purely commercial point of view, when there are more and more singles, then the demand for one-person supplies, including the demand for cultural and entertainment industries, has become stronger and stronger, and human beings have not suddenly become There is no need for company, but since the spiritual pleasure we need can be obtained from the commodity market at a smaller cost, why should we pay a huge cost to interact with real people? At the same time, the increase in the number of years of education has also enabled us to more calmly realize the explicit and hidden costs of marriage and childbirth.

" Secure. It is easy for me to become emotionally close to others. I am comfortable depending on others and having others depend on me. I don't worry about being alone or having others not accept me. Preoccupied. I want to be completely emotionally intimate with others, but I often find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like. I am uncomfortable being without close relationships, but I sometimes worry that others don't value me as much as I value them. Fearful. I am uncomfortable getting close to others. I want emotionally close relationships, but I find it difficult to trust others completely or to depend on them. I worry that I will be hurt if I allow myself to become too close to others. Dismissing. I am comfortable without close emotional relationships. It is very important to me to feel independent and self-sufficient, and I prefer not to depend on others or have others depend on me."

I think that when a person grows up at an early age, the way their parents get along has a great influence on them. For example, in an environment where the parental relationship is not harmonious and tense, children may be more likely to go to extremes as adults, or It is because there is more need for love, or it is because it is very indifferent to love.

[Minnie · Rating 5 out of 5]

蛮经典的入门教科书，读的第六版的中文译本，距离现在也有差不多十年的时间差。
社交媒体被各种“撩汉”技巧充斥，恋综爱好者我本人上头之余对真实世界的实验结果也很有兴趣。科普澄清了一些迷思、误解，也有实用的听话者技术帮助读者进行沟通。以前对于别人不是很明白他人在说什么没有具体概念，读完书以后意识到用一个实物来physically代表话语权，听话者再复述表达者的意思会是更有效的沟通方式。

[Rs · Rating 3 out of 5]

I really liked the interesting studies in this book. Who knew you could discover whether someone was attractive by their smell or that short men can get just as many hits on a dating website as tall men; they just have to make $100,000 more. I read my friend's textbook because I just like statistics. It's not really a "how to get a relationship" book; it's more of a "how people work" book. And people are fascinating, if somewhat illogical according to these studies.

[Tiffany · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is another book that I was required to read for my FAS Human Relations class. Very interesting! Due to personal religious beliefs, I naturally sift through certain types of information, but for the most part, this book was fascinating. I love to learn about how relationships work, why they fail, and all the different aspects that people encounter as they strive to develop and maintain different relationships in their lives.

[Hana Bilqisthi · Rating 4 out of 5]

bukunya seru :D dan banyak banget ilmu baru yang didapet.. ini buku wajib pegangan pas mata kuliah hubungan interpersonal :D mengingat gue pengen jadi marriage counselour :D walaupun beberapa gue ngga setuju sama isinya :D
agak kurang suka sama covernya.. kesannya ceweknya yang agresif mulai duluan... (walaupun gue setuju cewek mulai duluan tapi somehow ngeliat itu jadi cover, agak gimana gitu.. kayaknya sikap gue masih plin plan nih ) ^^v heheh

[Heather · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was a text book for a class my friend was taking. I borrowed after flipping through it one day (when finished the class) because it seemed quite interesting. And it was. While it didn't really tell me anything I didn't already know, it was fun to take the little surveys or to see people I know (as well as myself) reflected in the pages.

[Bev · Rating 5 out of 5]

I am currently reading the 5th edition and must say that I am quite impressed! I think the book is very intriguing and I am pleased how well it keeps my interest. I have to read this book for psychology class on really short notice and really am very pleased. Not a fan of boring college books, thank you!

[Celeste · Rating 5 out of 5]

I didn't necessarily agree with the authors take on the information in this text. However, I found each page as fascinating as the last! This is one of the few academic books I would describe as a page turner! It is filled with interesting research studies, details, and suppositions! A must read for any person doing couples therapy!

[Resti Laily Nadliroh · Rating 5 out of 5]

bang! door! This is textbook. what da hell. I count this book in my shelf. actually, this book isn't a heavy writing. scientific about romances, some tips, some clues. very interesting to read. also, help me to understand my self. This book typically modern psychological book with cute story include in it. I suggest you pals. read this book.

[Clara · Rating 5 out of 5]

Finally done! Very insightful and very helpful for those who are not born with talents of managing close relationships. It also covers things that school and parents don't teach and things that common beliefs and popular literature are wrong about. Wish I read it much earlier.

[Mo · Rating 4 out of 5]

One of the better textbooks out there -- definitely did not put me to sleep and engaged me in the content, which, I suppose is interesting in itself.