In Lieu of Flowers: A Conversation for the Living by Nancy Howard Cobb

by Nancy Cobb

“Grieving is as natural as breathing, for if we have lived and loved, surely we will grieve. . . .”Nancy Cobb meets death in the most vital of places–in the lives of everyday people–and in doing so has found a way to infuse this darkest subject with light. Her candor and refreshing perspective make the deaths of those she has loved–and death itself–a subject to explore rather than to avoid. Cobb’s personal experiences become a point of departure for what amounts to a longer conversation about loss. In telling stories about encounters with grief, Cobb opens us up to our own experiences, and she encourages us to accept and honor the “divine intersections” where the living meet the dying.

Genres: Nonfiction, Memoir, Grief, Death

Paperback

First published January 2, 2000

Reviews

[Michael Res · Rating 1 out of 5]

I know I'm in the minority here, but I really did not enjoy this book nor did I find it helpful at a time of tremendous sadness and loss in my life. The author and most of the people in her life come off as extremely pretentious and disingenuous.

[Pat · Rating 4 out of 5]

A friend sent this to me as a gift last week. I found the book to be comforting. It also gives suggestions on how to most help family and friend's who have lost a loved one.

"Affirmations come and go, in a variety of forms, at the end of life. In a sense, it is time for the dying to "take their moment" and whether their feelings are spoken or unspoken, it is the time for the living to pay very close attention. Hospice workers say that hearing is the last sense to go. The "tricky" part for the living is learning to listen when nothing is being said, to speak even though it appears that they are not being heard, to respond to nuance, to tread lightly on unfamiliar ground, even though the footing feels tenuous."

Having been with the dying and reassuring them to move on to the wider universe; I fully believe that a dying person can hear. It is an extraordinary experience to witness the transition from life to death. The most holy of moments to have. It is not to be feared.

[Esteban · Rating 2 out of 5]

It started off quite well, then it kind of lost steam!

[Lisbeth Labellarte · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’ve read a lot of books this year about death, grief & loss. This book is a gift for anyone suffering the loss of someone they deeply loved. Cobb touches on things in a way that soothes like a balm to the soul. My heart is changed.

[Leah Spellman · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was sent to me after my mom passed. I was sharing with the person who sent it that one of the things helping me me grieve was hearing others own stories with grief. This book was extremely comforting to read, especially because she talks a lot about her parent’s deaths. After you lose a parent, or really anyone significant in your life, it completely shifts your mindset about everything. Nothing will ever be the same, and that (as most transitions do) takes a long time to adapt to. I appreciated her take on grief and how connecting with others is so valuable. There is so much to say and think about with grief and death while we are living! Would recommend!

[Rachel · Rating 5 out of 5]

Rich and delightful, this comforting tome forges a connection between life and death, between those who've passed and the loved ones they leave behind. With charm and poetic lilt, Nancy Cobb returns the experience of death to its rightful place as an ordinary, inevitable time of transition.

[Maggie]

I read this book not long after my father passed away. It was so wonderful in talking about grief and how even though someone may be gone from your daily life, they are still with you in other ways. I tell other people who are grieving to read it all the time.......

[salena · Rating 3 out of 5]

this book was good but i was looking for more of a “how to process grief” and it didn’t really say much about that. but i think i just had different expectations for the book. other than that cobb is a really good writer and i’m glad i read this book

[Brenda · Rating 3 out of 5]

For the most part, this is a series of stories of the authors experience with loved ones dying and various grieving experiences - either her own or supporting others. I think this book may be a help for those going through the grieving process or preparing for it as it may make the reader feel as though they are not alone in their experiences. The biggest take away I got from this book is to not shy away from grieving and the discussion of death because it is a part of life and the best support we can give to those who are in this process or their loved ones. I was hoping for more concrete examples of how to support but this quote probably sums it up the most:

Hold someone’s hand. Send a poem, a photograph, a letter of remembrance. If you buy a condolence card, add a personal message. If you feel awkward, simply say, “I’ve been thinking of you.” This will create an opening. Don’t ask what you can do. Anticipate and act. Listen. Be compassionate. Don’t give advice, philosophize, or tell the person you know how they’re feeling. You don’t. Statements such as “It was God’s will” or “Your loved one is better off now” are insensitive sentiments, akin to a poke with a sharp stick. It’s best to be true to yourself and to the person who has died. If you knew them well, create a picture, a memory of a time you spent together, for his or her family - a night at the movies, an afternoon over a cup of tea, an ongoing joke only known to the two of you - the most common recollection has uncommon meaning for people in mourning, particularly if it’s a story they’ve never heard. You have different memories than they do. Think of your reminiscence as a tiny eulogy, an addition to their family archives, and know that if it comes with compassion the contribution will be welcome.

[Paula · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was mentioned by Katie Couric and it was a pleasant surprise to see that author Nancy Cobb spent her early youth in Pittsburgh. The book is quite short and reads just as the title is: a conversation. Nancy meanders (in a good way) through the feelings of loss she experienced with the deaths of her parents and shares anecdotes from others as evidence that the spirit continues after death in various forms. Some of the examples felt a bit belabored but were beautifully rendered.

[lola Franco · Rating 4 out of 5]

Not sure how this book made it into my possession. But it was good.

[Harsimran Mand]

Loved it.

[Cora · Rating 5 out of 5]

Helpful for grief which is bound to happen to us all eventually.

[simu]

Loved it.

[Debbbie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Good book for my grief journey

[Erin Martin · Rating 3 out of 5]

Enjoyed this book. Not for everyone but I think about death a lot. Book had a different “vibe” than I thought it would but still good just not great.

[Steph Cherry · Rating 2 out of 5]

The interesting parts of the book are really in the forward. There are plenty of things to identify with if you’ve lost a loved one, but it felt disjointed and without much hope. There were some odd thoughts on the nobility of suicide. I’ll be tossing my copy.

[Luann Habecker]

i don't know... can't put my finger on it besides another attempt to avoid God... to promote these false, blasphemous beliefs following death is some attempt to comfort

excerpts i dog eard the page for;
A mourner is, perforce, a person with a story. The pity is, how very rarely it gets told. Christian McEwen

if we're all going to die, why can't we talk about death?
Death is as sacred and inevitable, as ordinary and extraordinary, as messy and complex, as birth, and yet end-of-life care in America is only just catching up with the natural birthing methods introduced to the delivery room thirty years ago. Why, I wonder, has it taken us so long to handle our departures as lovingly as we have handled our arrivals?

Why is it easier to express our grief for an English princess in a French tunnel than it is to visit a dying neighbor down the block? Would that we could bring a fearlessness to a friend's deathbed or to a grieving family as easily as we now bring a casserole to an already full table on the day of the funeral.

If you give yourself permission to talk about your experience, you'll find that other people will want to talk about theirs. The merest suggestion elicits a response.

hospice staff-like end-of-life midwives, they guided us with veteran skill, anticipating our needs, asking the right questions, advancing and retreating with delicacy and respect.

music is always an emotional catalyst

These days, slaves to the lends and the screen, we chronicle rather than experience, observe rather than engage...

We are not human beings on a spiritual path, but spiritual beings on a human path. Jean Shinoda Bolen

if we repress our grief, over time, it's bound to harden the heart.

Alzheimer's disease is a slow-motion race run in revers, its course unalterable. (pg 36)

birth- the upcoming excursion required complete surrender, it was the only time in my life i was totally relaxed. I figured that control, or more accurately, the illusion of control, was a ludicrous concept in this arena.
birthing classes- what they didn't mention, what we didn't consider, is variety. individual circadian rhythms. differences in style, in approach, and in pelvis. you're stuck with the wrong birth routine and you're working twice as hard to overcome your own instincts in order to subscribe to someone else's tidy credo.

Life is serious all the time, but living cannot be. . . You may have all the solemnity you wish in your neckties, but in anything important-such as sex, death, and religion-you must have mirth or you will have madness. G.K. Chesterton

Toward the end, her most lucid observations seemed to come sliding out of a dream, an extension of her unconscience, a momentary bridge between the here and her there.

death is the great equalizer. death dares us to define what really matters (pg 80)

Blessed be childhood, which brings down something of heaven into the midst of our rough earthliness. - Henri Frederic Amiel

It's amazing how some people vaporize with the onset of serious illness, but i suppose it's a good litmus test for loyalty.

constant interruption the key to a lively conversation

hospice- where the ordinary overlaps with the sacred every day

[Joyce · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a very insightful book about grieving and loss of loved ones. A comforting book. The author has described events in a very loving way. I enjoyed it and would recommend it for anyone who has lost a loved one.

[Heather Friedman · Rating 5 out of 5]

Amazing book to help anyone deal with grief. A must read for anyone who has loved and lost- espcially if you were there for the final goodbye.

[Jenna · Rating 5 out of 5]

Another book I could not put down, made me feel closer to my deceased father.

[Alison]

The Introduction was the best part and really spoke to me. "After experiencing the death of someone you love, you join the rank-and-file whose number multiplies hourly."

[Kathleen · Rating 4 out of 5]

My favorite book I've ever read on grief. Lovely and thought provoking.

[Susan Springer · Rating 4 out of 5]

A comforting look at death and dying. Reminiscent of E. Kubler-Ross.

[Kristin · Rating 4 out of 5]

Thoughts for end of life time with loved ones.

[Marjorie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Loved it! A great read for anyone experiencing grief/loss.

[Theresa · Rating 2 out of 5]

Read enough to move on by. Nice sentiments.

[Cara Farnell · Rating 5 out of 5]

A must read after losing a close loved one, really beautiful