The End of San Francisco Reprint edition by Bernstein Sycamore, Mattilda (2013) Paperback

by Mattilda Bernstein Sycamore

Paperback published by San Francisco based City Lights Bookstore on Columbus Ave.

Genres: Queer, Memoir, Nonfiction, LGBT, Transgender, Activism, Politics

Paperback

First published February 16, 2013

About the author

Mattilda Bernstein Sycamore is the award-winning author of The Freezer Door, a New York Times Editors’ Choice, one of Oprah Magazine’s Best LGBTQ Books of 2020, and a finalist for the PEN/Jean Stein Book Award. Winner of a Lambda Literary Award and an American Library Association Stonewall Honor Book, she’s the author of three novels and three nonfiction titles, and the editor of six nonfiction anthologies, most recently Between Certain Death and a Possible Future: Queer Writing on Growing Up with the AIDS Crisis. Sycamore lives in Seattle, and her new book, Touching the Art, will be released on November 7, 2023.

Reviews

[Wryly · Rating 4 out of 5]

The complexity of relationships and radical politics is not reduced or softened in this memoir. If you're looking for a narrative or comfy resolution look elsewhere. Many things fall apart in this book. I think it's brave.

[Larry-bob Roberts · Rating 4 out of 5]

From page 66: "There were things I knew then that I couldn't possibly know now, and there are things I know now that I couldn't possibly know then." That conflict between youthful idealism/naivete and older cynicism/wisdom (c.f. Ferdydurke) runs through this book.

I could make this review about how our ships have passed in the night and how we have each negotiated oppositional queer politics and culture in our own way. But that'll have to wait for my own memoir.

The book begins and ends with family of origin, a toxic environment of alienation, abuse, and denial. The book begins with the end of life of the family patriarch. Then there is the gradual emergence of a network of friends and community, some lifelong, some in passing, some who do not survive. And a growing political awareness, particularly catalyzed by ACT UP.

Mattilda makes two orbits through San Francisco - the first in the early 90s, punctuated by a return to New York in the late 90s, and then a return in the 2000s, the era of San Francisco's Gay Shame. The first time it's the pre-dot-com when the Mission was the place for punk rock queers, not wannabe millionaires. The second time the battle is pitched with the assimilationists and the corporate asskissers, the evictors and gentrifiers. And Willie Brown and Gavin Newsom, their kings.

Ultimately, it's a losing battle. I read an article the other day that interviewed both a queer former resident of a queer art collective that once was in the Mission (members of which are mentioned in Mattilda's book) and members of the tech startup that's replaced it. Too many people have welcomed the Trojan horse instead of rejecting it.

[Dhami · Rating 4 out of 5]

As someone who's lived in San Francisco and brushed arms with Mattilda and the entourage of characters in this book, I found it a fascinating "her-story" of queer San Francisco. Beyond that, Mattilda's stream of consciousness and writing style engaged me. Mattilda's awareness and enlightenment is wonderful. And also real, down to earth (or cement) and humble. Definitely a City Light's type of book... expanding and twisting upon the Beats and such works as Keroauc's On The Road or Bukowski's Ham on Rye. Honestly, I found Bukowski's and Keroauc's works a bit boring... I mean reading about someone's partying and sexcapades gets boring to me after a while in spite of my appreciation of their literary genius. Mattilda's The End of San Francisco engaged me more, in part because of it's overlap with my life in SF, but also because of the arc of enlightenment flowing through the stream of consciousness that makes the book. There were a couple of places that seemed slow and several where the stream got kind of lost in long rambling sentences.... so, it's definitely not your usual read. But what pervades is a humble realness of life, growth, and awareness. For anyone interested in queer san francisco, personal awareness, sex work, building community, and surviving and healing incest (oh, yeah... the major understated arc in the book is Mattilda's coming to terms with and healing of incest trauma).... this is a book to read. It's a wonderful memoir of a very real and amazing person who, like most of us, is not average or typical, yet, someone who, like most of us, is very real and amazing in their experience of life. It picks up memoir and stream of consciousness from the tail of the Beats like Bukowski and Kerouac and brings it into the new millenium with awareness, growth, and humility.

[Donovan Lessard · Rating 5 out of 5]

The End of San Francisco manages to hold so much in its hands, while never feeling forced. This book is about loss, dealing with loss, relationships formed through creating a culture worth living in, relationships lost in cultures that went horribly wrong, dealing with incest, accountability, drugs, gentrification; so much. Mattilda has an ability to hold contradictions and conflict together to produce a beautiful degree of tension and emotion. The book is also about cities and spaces that seemed so promising but went drastically wrong. It's about living on the margins of a queer culture that has become increasingly consumeristic and assimilationist--crafting meaning outside the dominant structures and trying to create a place to live.

[Katy · Rating 4 out of 5]

Deja vu: "The dot-com frenzy was in full swing, so I found myself entering buildings without front doors, walking down bare hallways lit by exposed bulbs, to enter moldy $1200-a-month studio apartments facing out into other people's fire escapes. Often I didn't have enough time to wonder if it was possible to live in these dumps, because they were already taken. Or there would be a dozen people with computer jobs, checkbooks in hand, all vying for the manager's or realtor's attention: Is the neighborhood safe? Is there anything nearby? How far is Union Square?"

[Selena · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book is uncomfortable to read. And its not uncomfortable because its challenging you to think & process in a different or because it written in stream of consciousness. It feels uncomfortable to read this book because many parts come across as though the author is stating she did certain activites such as drugs, sex work, or activist better than those she uses as an example. And if only they would have followed her example than things might have been better.

[City Lights Booksellers & Publishers · Rating 5 out of 5]

"Mattilda is a dazzling writer of uncommon truths, a challenging writer who refuses to conform to conventionality. Her agitation is an inspiration." -- Justin Torres, author of We the Animals

[David Lane Swadis · Rating 2 out of 5]

I only got about a fifth of the way through. Can't say it's not a good book. The writing style is interesting. I just could not get on board with that narrator.

[Arielle Burgdorf · Rating 3 out of 5]

This one is hard to rate. I can relate to Mattilda in a lot of ways, growing up painfully in the DC suburbs and finding refuge in activism. I liked hearing about Dumba as an alternative to ABC No Rio, being on the cusp of riot grrrl, Act-Up, Gay Shame and Queeruption. I liked the style, very Michelle Tea breakneck pace.

That said, the overall tone of the book felt kind of hollow to me. Even though Mattilda discloses very personal information she glazes over most of it so quickly I didn't ever really get a sense of how she felt about things and I got the sense she was hiding things and protecting herself (which is fine, but doesn't make for a very good read). Also her drug stories were actually incredibly boring. Additionally, there's a lot of underlying privilege here that really doesn't get discussed fully enough for my taste (until perhaps the last chapter, but that came off to me as a poor little rich kid story). I think the uniqueness to her life lies in the politics and ultimately I wish there was more of that.

[Corvus · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book captured so many things and times and feelings. In some ways, reading all of the struggles and losses was comforting. If only because there was someone else out there who had seen and felt the things I have. The drugs, the sex, the idealism, the group dynamics, the highs and lows, the giving but rarely getting, the cruelty, the laughter, the love, the violence, the betrayal, the chronic pain and fatigue, the caring... the needing... I am grateful to have read and been met by this. It holds up a mirror to our organizing, our relationships, and our cultures that somehow manages not to feel harmful judgemental despite all of the conflicts and difficulties detailed inside it. I have lots of feelings. Lots.

[George Ilsley · Rating 3 out of 5]

The stream of consciousness narrative is only intermittently successful. Occasionally there is a brilliant sentence. Overall, however, the reader is expected to enter the narrative on Sycamore's terms; communication is not the goal here. Sycamore is extraordinarily judgemental about everyone; not even friends and lovers and sister-activists can live up to the impossible ideal. A bit of irony during a discussion of "trans men" who are inhabiting traditional masculinity, and who caused Sycamore to re-think how people can negotiate and transform masculinity. Well I thought, trans men apparently are allowed by the self-appointed gatekeepers to negotiate masculinity but gay men are not allowed to do the same thing! (Gay men, you see, appear to be on Sycamore's automatic enemy list— queer is Ok, in this alternate universe, but gay men are apathetic and unevolved. Especially loathed is the so-called "straight-acting gay man" — no negotiating masculinity for him!).

In my own worldview, there is room for everyone. There is compassion for the other, and a high degree of tolerance for differences. We are all on a spectrum, and everyone belongs. Queens of all stripes and persuasions are welcome to strut, sit in a corner, shop, work, and even march in a pride parade (or go to the gym) if that is what they feel like doing. Who am I to judge?

Ironically, I suppose—I do judge judgement.

[Hal Schrieve · Rating 5 out of 5]

read this in like 2013 after I went to hear her read at the Olympia library. She was super bitter and sarcastic and so I was kinda pissed at her for a while but I think the book is a really good cross section of punk queer life and is very real. It is sort of like Michelle Tea’s work in terms of writing about the fucked up things one was part of and did in this self aware way that doesn’t quite excuse them but explains why they seemed okay at the time. She is writing about gentrification and being part of gentrification while also loathing the process and she is the best writer on all the myriad evil that you end up carrying with you on accident. Her passages about drugs and sex work are really important for people to read and her pieces on abuse and trauma are really good. Some of her stuff feels as if she is carrying personal feuds onto the page and she is going to try to get you angry at someone you don’t know but then the intensity of her anger usually fizzles and you are left with just this smudgy sketch of what her anger was. The whole book is cobbled together from her journals, as I understand, and it is masterful editing. The whole book has this very tense pulled-tight grisly energy and is a lot of pain and a lot of dreamlike buzzing floating. Mattilda doesn’t offer any remedies or solutions or new paths for children going through the same shit as she did but I am not mad about it any more I just like her weird art and her work as a cultural historian.

[Peter Landau · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book blew me away. I had made it a point to read a few books in a row by women and it wasn't until feeling confused during the first story collected in THE END OF SAN FRANCISCO that I began to suspect the validity or at least the plasticity of pronouns. The story of Mattilda Bernstein Sycamore is heroic. From incest to hooking to activism to love to fear to drugs to dancing, it was like trying to focus a spotlight on a disco ball and count the stars. The point is it all becomes one life lived the only way it can be, with honesty and striving for intimacy, and if that's not universal then nothing is. The bravery of Mattilda is something I followed like a lodestar, but also her ability to weave reality from her own fabric. She wrote this, edits that, has written novels and queer critiques, the work seems neverending because she's always evolving, creating and questioning, and it's through her honesty and community that she creates not only the work but a forum to present it and have others share it. That is inspiriting. Mattilda Bernstein Sycamore may have just written the modern Odyssey.

[m.bryan.welton · Rating 3 out of 5]

I feel strange putting significant thought into how many stars I rate this book for this site. I'm sorry to say that the first third of the book felt laborious to read - yet I was compelled to continue in good faith, based on Ralowe's reflections. I want to rate it higher because the second half accessed such powerful memories and familiar forms of urgent resistance and queer survival - coupled without confusion, if still sometimes felt as though they could be in antagonism with one another - that mean a lot to me to revisit and re-imagine in the present.

[Vicki · Rating 3 out of 5]

I picked it up because of the title, not knowing anything about the author or the subject matter. Apparently Sycamore is a well-known queer writer and activist, so I learned something right there! It is written in a very stream-of-consciousness style, which isn't really my thing, but it didn't bother me too much. It was interesting reading about Mattilda's experiences as a radical queer (queer, not gay) activist and the relationships cultivated through this work.

[lily࿐ orbit · Rating 3 out of 5]

The author's writing style is extremely confusing (for me at least).

At the beginning I immediately predicted the book would be a delightful read because of the top-notch description of Mattilda's old apartment, but I decided too soon. The story went all over the place and at times I read an entire page and did not register the meaning of a single word. I simply gave up by the time I got to the third chapter.

[Emily · Rating 5 out of 5]

A powerful memoir that will speak to anyone interested in race, queerness, class, social action, and the intersectionality of so many more issues. Not an easy read because of the heaviness of its subject matter, but what I most appreciated was the frankness of Mattilda's experience as a white queer social activist and her continuous and inspiring intention to be a part of a cohesive (rather than exclusionary) radical movement.

[Pan Ellington · Rating 5 out of 5]

this one feels like the san francisco mirror to my own queer journey in l.a. so many similarities, down to the era, like reading myself. beyond that, sycamore's use of language, her radical queerness. just, *swoon.*

another one of those reads the universe had a hand in bringing to me...

and of course she's published by city lights...

[Kat · Rating 5 out of 5]

A lyrical and devastating non-linear memoir. This work reads like memories occur--disjointed, uncensored, by turns cruel, insightful, funny. Not for the faint of heart, this book addresses issues of trauma, activism, and disappointment.

[willowdog · Rating 3 out of 5]

Fresh memoirs that glimpse at that generation who came of age in the early 90's, growing up with AIDS, being queer and seeking a haven (San Francisco, Seattle, New York) of change and the creation of a radical queer community.

[Sohum · Rating 3 out of 5]

some compelling reflections on activism, abuse, and the queer anti-assimilationist struggle. got a little muddled in the internecine politics of Gay Shame, and frankly, whiteness is completely uninterrogated here.

[Eric Castro · Rating 3 out of 5]

Well done; interesting; compelling. Just not my thing.

[Alastair Fyfe · Rating 3 out of 5]

Sycamore presents his audience with a literature memoir of his young adolescents through a
lens of activism, radical queerness, sex work, drugs and explorative growth he embraces. Similar to the template of the Hero's Journey, Sycamore begins his transformation upon dropping out of Brown and venturing out west, swallowing queer politicized life in san francisco during the 90's decade. He comes to full cycle through self-reflection that his attempts of beating his parents of fulfillment of the american dream are no better than his own escapade of entertainment. Throughout " The end of San Francisco", Sycamore highlights numerous motifs which strengthen his own purpose of queer radicalism. Such as, gay misogyny, group think of belonging , fetishize of hyper-masculinity, escapism, entrapment and class of acculturation in tight urban spaces. He's perspective is easy to follow as if gliding down a stream from one bend to another. He shares with the audience his passionate subject matter, his inner insights , embracement of adversities that are found in the realism of life, and what his approach to dealing with what he meant to be queer in san francisco during the 90's.

Sycamore is an amazing writer. His writes what he has experiences and understands without a need for over-analysis or debriefing his content. The use of euphemisms, metaphors, hyperboles really transcends his speech together, making it take on the lightness as cotton candy. He is a wonderful story teller where he boundaries between what is fact and fiction are crossed, leaving it up to the reader to decipher from his own imagination of the real discourse that took place. His writing style is a gift, yet also a hindrance. What he has skilled in aptitude causes an imbalanced shift in thematic messaging. His ability to masks the lack of thematic content, over generalizations and unity in " The end of San Fransico" is noticeable.

This is the second book I have read by Sycamore, following " Why faggots are so afraid of faggots?". I had a hard time with " The end of san Francisco ". Perhaps due to the misleading title, the narrative sense of entitlement, the perspective of nihilism that seems to get smaller with the more drugs he does, or the egocentricity that he was the change, forgetting to give credit to prior eras where the LGBTQ community made great strides in san francisco; overcoming cultural oppression and trauma.I gave this review 3 stars, not because it doesn't present a different perspective for an audience. But rather because i don't believe it contributed much to LGBTQ culture, or is representative of LGBTQ experience. His experience is really intended for individuals who experienced the 90's decadance like himself. I felt involved in this book, yet simultaneously on the sideline just observing. Other reads, i felt contained stronger themes of " the change" in san francisco, transformation of acculturations, to the explicit impact it has on the LGBTQ community. His story i don't find as original constrasted to grabbing a beer in a bar(s) such as hole in the wall, lone star or powerhouse. Any queer who survived the AIDS epidemic will provide a similar nostalgia of what San Francisco queer culture once was, and what it now has become.
I am glad i read Sycamore. He brings forth content which challenges myself and leaves me uncomfortable with his truth. I believe other reads such as " why faggots are so afraid of faggots?", had a stronger impact upon and assimilation on Queer culture.

Sycamore assimilates motifs in his work which strengths his intented messages to the audience. Including, struggle with masculinity, feeling an empty void of escapism, an inner sense of isolation that is masked through hyper-activity and drugs, group think of gay culture, the structures of power and privileges, and lastly being nostalgic of the past. I enjoyed many of his deconstruction of motifs, yet at times i felt he was presented his story in a very biased, self-righteous, and entitled manner. Such as talking so highly of power and privilege, as if made some significant impact on the LGBTQ community. Oblivious to the double-standards, which i regard as hints of hypocrisy. I found the relationship with his friend Elyse to summarize the difference of his accustomization of wealth, access to means, and perpetuating of legacy; like the world is indebted to him and his actions are deemed otherwise of nobility. Yet, he is totally oblivious that the live is he lived was due to his upbringing, which he mentions throughout the book.
Another motif i had trouble with was his sense of masculinity. Having taken feminist courses and read about the subject matter, i found his use of fag to be targeted towards internalized homophobia contrasted to self-empowerment. He uses it so loosely and as common slang. Yet, from my perspective I couldn't tell if he was using it for hyperbolic effect or a reflection of some inner self loathing. The contextual tone of usurping drugs, sex work, and other points of dissatisfaction pointed to a negative undertone contrasted to self-empowerment.

Another element i didn't enjoy about this book, was the glamorizing of certain life choices and decisions. It creates a platform of egotism. Perhaps the pain is hidden or he feels morally sound about sex work, and crystal meth as being statemenst against dominate acculturation. It saddened me though, identifying as counselor, working with such populations that crystal meth addiction, sex-work, and living off of the government, are not fun/hip choices for many. They symbolize the truth that life is hard and methods of getting by int he world for survival. The lack of awareness of privilege is something i don't believe Sycamore has come to terms with. He talks so highly as being different, yet is oblivious that he falls into his own type-casting as party-boi with secondary priority of activism. His lifestyle seems to project a life of hardness contrasted to the symbolism of care. I questioned sycamore own relationship with substances and sex, perhaps qualifying him as a "functional addict".

I also didn't resonance with his inability to distinguish himself from others. It portrays a stronger sense of co-dependency or cliche branded faggot; believing that all gays are assimilated to one another as if there is some unspoken fraternized rule of identification than being a singular unity. I would have liked to see him distinguish sexual from personal identification. Or at least address his own unity with himself, instead of with a collective consciousness. I believe that his inability to distinguish attributed to the fact that i don't believe he is a significant character in san francisco radical queer culture. I do applaud him for " gay shame" and bringing forth awareness of capitalistic branding of identity. Yet "ACT Up" has been going on some time and really flourished in san francisco after the second AIDS outbreak.

I would be interested in reading some of Sycamore's work, post- adolescents. I do give him credit his ability to narrate a story from his early adolescents, and bringing forth his yearning for a queer identity or acknowledgement of it through a societal means. Yet society or people don't have to acknowledge ones differences, that responsibility and honor is up to the individual. In my regard, San francisco still and will also have outlets of alternative queerness. Such as comfort and joy, groundswell, honey sound system collective. The 90's were a wild time, and i felt a more appropriate title could be: the decade before the millennium
I would like sycamore to take responsibility for his own change, acceptance, tolerance and ability to co-exist with his virtues in life contrasted to believing others or the world is indebted to him. Being a great activist if matching your own yearnings, not anticipating others to do the work for you. His writing entraps you. His viewpoints provide escapism. In the future, id like him face his own depth, dark-sideof biases and preconceptions. I sense a hint of internalized struggle yet he found acceptance through attempting to break the system instead of going off the grid.

[Eliza · Rating 4 out of 5]

An interesting read right after moving to San Francisco. A testament to the nonexistence of optimized experience at any point in time. There is nothing neat here. As I think about this book I’m drawn toward the word disparate, which may have more to do with my experience of reading than of how the book really is or could be experienced. It’s like an orb made of many wiggling tendrils all of which are interconnected. Some trail off and she follows them (like details of temporary friendships which I personally wasn’t gripped by).
I was searching for a center in the orb and I thought it would be her experience with her family and with her father (I waited for her to return to that more concretely and she didn’t).
Sycamore refuses to write around a center.

[luke.spar · Rating 2 out of 5]

Very interesting pieces about the authors experiences with abuse and family trauma. The parts about drug use and various queer cultures and activist circles became a slog to get through. The chapters that may read as distinct and meaningful to the author and people familiar with “the scene” all blended together as a hodge podge of opinions and drama that seemed like a retold soap opera. This could be partly caused by the stream of consciousness style which did not work for me. There’s no doubt that the author has an important and interesting life story, but the tone and structure of the book made it difficult for me to appreciate.

[Brandon Desiderio · Rating 4 out of 5]

Mattilda is an icon. This memoir should be a must-read for queers, especially all the cis-male queenies who’d benefit from some real engagement with the absurd in the real — or the reality in the absurd. I’m not sure what else to say other than that she’s probably one of my absolute favorite voices, and a real inspirational visionary. This has been my summer of Mattilda, and I’m happy to say it’s not the last of hers I’ll read by a long shot. <3

[D · Rating 5 out of 5]

Read this in SF and it was recommended to me by Shreya although I found this author through a friend’s friend at a birthday in Berlin who recommended The Freezer Door to me and I was slowly reading it for many years and loved it. Her writing is wild and erratic and I often stop and go WHAT but at the same time I love their thoughts and it all felt so earnest in a refreshing way. They’d write crap then magic then something fucked up and I was all enmeshed in it.

[Blake · Rating 4 out of 5]

indebted to mattilda because i would have not been able to attend my university w/o her student activism lol thank you for your service. but seriously nonfic/fiction/memoir literally anything she writes is raw and beautiful. this is a good book to read about gentrification and a long-gone age of queer communities that make me pine in a very sad, but nostalgic way. read this.

[Jim · Rating 4 out of 5]

This character is me: “He’d eat a whole pint of Rice Dream and then vomit it back into the container and eat it again.” This book enlivened me as a queer person and helped me understand how identity can be a starting point, not an end.

[Virginia · Rating 5 out of 5]

The writing is mind-bogglingly good. Huge cw for substance use, SA, and EDs.