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[ How One of You Can Bring the Two of You Together[ HOW ONE OF YOU CAN BRING THE TWO OF YOU TOGETHER ] By Page, Susan ( Author )Jan-05-1998 Paperback
This breakthrough book, How One of You Can Bring the Two of You Together, suggests a completely different approach for improving a marriage. Susan Page dispels the myth that repairing a relationship is necessarily a two-person task and shows that making changes in your marriage by yourself is an effective and a low-stress strategy. Based on the premise that what you do in a relationship changes how you feel about it, Page shows you how you can take individual action that will result in mutual strength and happiness.
Step by step, Page demonstrates that the secret to a thriving marriage is finding the balance between taking care of yourself and extending good will to your partner. Through a series of experiments, she introduces the concept of Loving Leadership and presents a range of solo strategies for creating harmony in a marriage, including how
* Develop fresh perspectives about your relationship
* Overcome resentment and move beyond blame
* Solve major problems—one at a time
* Ensure that your needs are met regardless of your partner's actions
* Recapture lost intimacy
With tangible goals, you can work through your own frustrations to arrive at new thinking and new actions. In this wise and inspiring book, you will learn, as Susan Page writes, "Deciding to work alone on your relationship gives you enormous power, not power over your partner, but inner power and personal
strength. Working alone on your relationship gives you an unparalleled opportunity to grow."
For anyone in a relationship that needs major repairs—or just a little TLC—here is the ultimatedo-it-yourself handbook.
Step by step, Page demonstrates that the secret to a thriving marriage is finding the balance between taking care of yourself and extending good will to your partner. Through a series of experiments, she introduces the concept of Loving Leadership and presents a range of solo strategies for creating harmony in a marriage, including how
* Develop fresh perspectives about your relationship
* Overcome resentment and move beyond blame
* Solve major problems—one at a time
* Ensure that your needs are met regardless of your partner's actions
* Recapture lost intimacy
With tangible goals, you can work through your own frustrations to arrive at new thinking and new actions. In this wise and inspiring book, you will learn, as Susan Page writes, "Deciding to work alone on your relationship gives you enormous power, not power over your partner, but inner power and personal
strength. Working alone on your relationship gives you an unparalleled opportunity to grow."
For anyone in a relationship that needs major repairs—or just a little TLC—here is the ultimatedo-it-yourself handbook.
Paperback
First published January 20, 1997
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Displaying 1 - 12 of 12 reviews
September 20, 2010
Still takes two to tango. What I learned: don't try to tango with a sh*t.
August 2, 2015
Simple idea, but profound in its emphasis on the value of taking perspective of the other, choice, control, and connection. Ultimately, the reader will be forced to think about what they would be willing to give in order to receive, what their breaking point is, where they are stuck, and how their actions and way of thought impacts their partners.
January 14, 2025
tl;dr Even though there are some dated bits in this book, I do think this is a 'must read'. There are so many basic human socializing concepts in here that could help with any relationship. I think good will is a huge thing missing in society, and I wish more people knew to give it, both to others, and to themselves.
This book isn't an instant fix, nor does it claim to be one. You'll have to put in the work, but I can say that it'll definitely be worth it.
Not tl;dr: (my notes as I read)
I really had to take my time with this book, there is a lot I wanted to let sink in and digest. It's not an easy book to get through, but that's the point. It makes you face a lot of hard things, but important things.
The main gist is getting you to see other perspectives, to empathize, pick your battles, have acceptance, and understand that relationships are teamwork. While the book is about taking initiative yourself, it makes it clear, and from my own experiences too, that just one person changing can do a lot for a relationship.
The focus is on romantic partnerships, but as the book states, techniques in here can work for any kind of relationships--friends, business, etc. It's about learning how to communicate, listen, and be heard. (It reminded me a bit of another book: "When I Say No, I Feel Guilty", which I also recommend.)
To note though, this book is more so for the average relationship, as another reviewer pointed out. If you both are still wanting things to work, respect each other, etc., this book can be helpful. If you are in an abusive relationship, or there are more extreme issues you're dealing with, this book may not be for you there. (And I would advise seeking out help with a therapist for specific guidance there.) Though in general, this would still be a book I recommend reading.
While the author here does briefly cover the topic of abuse (both as a couple, and one instance with children), this book is not about that. There is a chapter specifically on evaluating your relationship, and seeing if it is one worth staying in or leaving. The author does admit though that, "identifying abuse and the tools you need to escape it is beyond the scope of this book." She mentions how some abusers can actually change when their behavior is pointed out to them, and while she mentions how the tips from this book can be useful, she reiterates that working with a professional is a must, and in some cases, leaving may be the best option.
I will say, even though there is that chapter on evaluating the relationship and discussing how divorce/separation may end up being the best route, it is clear both from the writing/advice given, and straight up said by the author that she "rarely advocate[s] divorce." I think that's a bit of a pitfall of this book, and really tempted me to give this 4/5 stars instead. The bias towards keeping the couple together is strong. Such as when discussing the downsides of separation for any children involved, and not also discussing the downsides of staying together irked me. While divorce can have negative impacts on children, so can staying in a relationship that isn't working. Both possibilities should be equally considered.
There are lots of ideas and methods for different types of people and couples to try. But it doesn't target at deeper emotional traumas or pain history. I'd still advise working with a therapist, on your own or as a couple, to stay on top of things and try to address those deeper issues. Issues don't just pop up out of nowhere, and while the author does cover how some things aren't always what they seem, why someone may be upset, ridgid, strict, etc., having a therapist or 3rd party help you in your specific situation I think would make a big difference.
I do appreciate that this really gives you a feeling of power and control, not just in a relationship with another person, but also in how you act and live in your own life. To not neglect your partner, but also to not neglect yourself. There is an emphasis on balance.
In fact, later on in the book where is even a visual representation with a scale, with one side focusing on the "I/Me" of the relationship, with autonomy, assertiveness, taking, self care. And "We" with connection, acceptance, giving, good will. The idea is to "achieve a blend, as that you experience yourself, not as assertive or accepting, but as 'assertively accepting;' not as autonomous or in connection, but as 'autonomously connected."
I do think this book is absolutely worth reading. I think there are a LOT of important gems in here that can help with any kind of relationship you have, including your relationship with yourself. With patience, good will, and a lot of love, you can do a lot.
This book isn't an instant fix, nor does it claim to be one. You'll have to put in the work, but I can say that it'll definitely be worth it.
Not tl;dr: (my notes as I read)
I really had to take my time with this book, there is a lot I wanted to let sink in and digest. It's not an easy book to get through, but that's the point. It makes you face a lot of hard things, but important things.
The main gist is getting you to see other perspectives, to empathize, pick your battles, have acceptance, and understand that relationships are teamwork. While the book is about taking initiative yourself, it makes it clear, and from my own experiences too, that just one person changing can do a lot for a relationship.
The focus is on romantic partnerships, but as the book states, techniques in here can work for any kind of relationships--friends, business, etc. It's about learning how to communicate, listen, and be heard. (It reminded me a bit of another book: "When I Say No, I Feel Guilty", which I also recommend.)
To note though, this book is more so for the average relationship, as another reviewer pointed out. If you both are still wanting things to work, respect each other, etc., this book can be helpful. If you are in an abusive relationship, or there are more extreme issues you're dealing with, this book may not be for you there. (And I would advise seeking out help with a therapist for specific guidance there.) Though in general, this would still be a book I recommend reading.
While the author here does briefly cover the topic of abuse (both as a couple, and one instance with children), this book is not about that. There is a chapter specifically on evaluating your relationship, and seeing if it is one worth staying in or leaving. The author does admit though that, "identifying abuse and the tools you need to escape it is beyond the scope of this book." She mentions how some abusers can actually change when their behavior is pointed out to them, and while she mentions how the tips from this book can be useful, she reiterates that working with a professional is a must, and in some cases, leaving may be the best option.
I will say, even though there is that chapter on evaluating the relationship and discussing how divorce/separation may end up being the best route, it is clear both from the writing/advice given, and straight up said by the author that she "rarely advocate[s] divorce." I think that's a bit of a pitfall of this book, and really tempted me to give this 4/5 stars instead. The bias towards keeping the couple together is strong. Such as when discussing the downsides of separation for any children involved, and not also discussing the downsides of staying together irked me. While divorce can have negative impacts on children, so can staying in a relationship that isn't working. Both possibilities should be equally considered.
There are lots of ideas and methods for different types of people and couples to try. But it doesn't target at deeper emotional traumas or pain history. I'd still advise working with a therapist, on your own or as a couple, to stay on top of things and try to address those deeper issues. Issues don't just pop up out of nowhere, and while the author does cover how some things aren't always what they seem, why someone may be upset, ridgid, strict, etc., having a therapist or 3rd party help you in your specific situation I think would make a big difference.
I do appreciate that this really gives you a feeling of power and control, not just in a relationship with another person, but also in how you act and live in your own life. To not neglect your partner, but also to not neglect yourself. There is an emphasis on balance.
In fact, later on in the book where is even a visual representation with a scale, with one side focusing on the "I/Me" of the relationship, with autonomy, assertiveness, taking, self care. And "We" with connection, acceptance, giving, good will. The idea is to "achieve a blend, as that you experience yourself, not as assertive or accepting, but as 'assertively accepting;' not as autonomous or in connection, but as 'autonomously connected."
I do think this book is absolutely worth reading. I think there are a LOT of important gems in here that can help with any kind of relationship you have, including your relationship with yourself. With patience, good will, and a lot of love, you can do a lot.
December 18, 2021
this book really helped my relationship. i think it is helpful for the average relationship, with average problems; for more complicated situation, such as infidelity, i doubt this book would help. this book assumes both parties have respect for each other, but different view points. soooo no respect, then nothing will work.
February 1, 2022
There is some really dated stuff in this book, but the main concept is sound - you can affect change in your relationship by changing yourself. Which is handy, since that is the only person you can change. I really like the emphasis on solutions and focusing on what you can do. It takes a bit of that helpless feeling away.
July 28, 2015
This was the second book I read written by the author and I can say it was truly comprehensive inspiring and full of useful insight and great meanings.
The author introduces the concept of working on your relationship but alone explaining the benefits behind this concept which will then take you to the level of leadership in your relationship where self help is blended with providing goodwill to your partner.
Add to that I really enjoyed the spiritual content in the book along with many useful and touching examples.
This book will most likely be a book to be revisited as a reference and source of inspiration.
I would like to thank the author for the insights and inspiration in this book which may be a source of hope for many troubled people in this world.
The author introduces the concept of working on your relationship but alone explaining the benefits behind this concept which will then take you to the level of leadership in your relationship where self help is blended with providing goodwill to your partner.
Add to that I really enjoyed the spiritual content in the book along with many useful and touching examples.
This book will most likely be a book to be revisited as a reference and source of inspiration.
I would like to thank the author for the insights and inspiration in this book which may be a source of hope for many troubled people in this world.
July 31, 2007
I cannot say enough about this book. Even if you think your relationship is o.k. there is still so much advise on how to make it better. This book basically explains how to change your relationship by working on the interactions that you and your partner have, not trying to constantly change things about your partner that they aren't willing to change. It also has really amazing excercises to do that make for really great epiphanies!!
July 28, 2008
great book on improving the marriage relationship all by yourself!
Read
October 24, 2010read as a book on tape. not necessarily worth re-reading.
May 29, 2013
Started slow but made great points at the end.
5.9.13-5.27.13
5.9.13-5.27.13
May 12, 2013
أنا مذهولة!!! لما اهدأ راح أكتب رفيو معتبر..
الله يسعدك و يهنيك يا سوزان وين ما كنتي!
الله يسعدك و يهنيك يا سوزان وين ما كنتي!
February 10, 2015
Loved how empowering her ideas were when I felt stuck.
Displaying 1 - 12 of 12 reviews