Codependency for Dummies

by Darlene Lancer

Codependency is much more widespread than originally thought. You don't even have to be in a relationship. Codependents have trouble accepting themselves, so they hide who they are to be accepted by someone else."Codependency for Dummies" is the most comprehensive book on the topic to date. It describes the history, symptoms, causes, and relationship dynamics of codependency and provides self-assessment questionnaires. The majority of the books devoted to healing and lays out a clear plan for recovery with exercises, practical advice, and helpful daily reminders to help you know, honor, protect, and express yourself.

It clarifies deep psychological dynamics that underlie codependency, yet is written in a conversational style that's easily understandable by everyone. For reviews see: http://www.whatiscodependency.com/my-...

You will learn: How to raise your self-esteem The difference between care-giving and codependent care-taking The difference between healthy and dysfunctional families How to set boundaries How to separate responsibility for yourself and for others How to overcome guilt and resentment.

Genres: Self Help, Psychology, Nonfiction, Relationships, Mental Health, Parenting, Health

ebook

First published March 28, 2012

About the author

I'm a Marriage and Family Therapist and author of "Dating, Loving, and Leaving a Narcissist," "Codependency for Dummies, "Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Free Your True Self," and 7 ebooks: "How to Speak Your Mind - Become Assertive and Set Limits," "Spiritual Transformation in the Twelve Steps," "Freedom from Guilt and Blame - Finding Self-Forgiveness," "Dealing with a Narcissist - 8 Steps to Raise Self-Esteem and Set Boundaries with Difficult People," "Codependency Daily Reflections," "I'm Not Perfect - I'm Only Human," - How to Beat Perfectionism, and "10 Steps to Self-Esteem." PDF's of all ebooks are available on my website and in other formats at online booksellers.

I specialize in relationships, narcissism, and codependency, and have treated individuals and couples for over 35 years. Enjoy articles, blogs, and a Free PDF, "14 Tips for Letting Go," at my site, www.whatiscodependency.com. You can join the journey at www.facebook.com/codependencyrecovery, or follow me on Twitter @darlenelancer, Instagram @darlenelancerLMFT, and Youtube.

Reviews

[Jewelianne · Rating 5 out of 5]

Okay, so I feel like sort of a weirdo putting this book on here, but hear me out. I've been really interested in positive self-improvement this year (both physically and emotionally/mentally). I saw a really good lecture by the author of this book, so I decided to check out her work. The information in this book could be helpful to almost anyone. Even if you aren't "codependent" per se, it has a lot of useful advice about figuring out what you want out of life, how to be decisive, how to develop self-esteem, and ways to navigate relationships. It's not silly and hokey like a lot of books about similar topics tend to be, and it provides lots of good advice and explanations. For example, if you are the type of person who has a hard time saying "no" (and who isn't sometimes?), this book helps to explain underlying reasons for that pattern of interaction, and advice on how to change it.

[Tina · Rating 2 out of 5]

Although I am codependent, this book doesn't deal with my type. I am not codependent on drink and drugs and nor am I codependent on caring for someone who is on drink and drugs. I had hoped that this would deal more with people who were codependent due to extreme abuse and control they've suffered in their childhood and adult life, like me. When I left a controlling mother I went into a relationship where I was a victim of more control and domestic violence, this has left me very much unable to go out on my own from the age of 22 as a consequence, unfortunately this book doesn't deal with that type. I had hoped that it would, you can't even use the techniques given to assist someone on my spectrum, it's not a one treatment fix all thing - as even my own therapist has told me.

[Katie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow. I think this book may have just changed my life. As someone who (unconsciously) has never had a relationship which wasn't co-dependent, reading this book was like being hit between the eyes. I had a Friends style "This book could have been called Be Your Own Windkeeper Katie!" moment. Highly recommend for anyone who has ever suffered low self esteem and always loses themselves in relationships to a frightening degree, always ends up scared and lonely within them, and bereft when they're over, even if they weren't the right person. This book will teach you how to trust yourself, cope, let go and be happy to be your true authentic self, with or without a romantic relationship. Gives plenty of practical tips and exercises to help you on your path also.

[Kendra Everly Henry · Rating 5 out of 5]

Best book I've read on codependency. It really broke it down and explained it to me without making me feel like a horrible person for being a codependent.

[Fadi Antwan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Really incredible book. I wish much of its content were taught in high schools, particularly the sections concerning relationships and self-acceptance/self-love. It provides such essential and valuable insight that many people could stand to gain from had they been exposed to it earlier.

[Kris · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent book. I highly recommend this. It's also written by an MFT who decided on that career when she was 40, so I really respect that.

[Mary · Rating 5 out of 5]

The best book on codependency that I have read.

[Nami · Rating 2 out of 5]

Dropped at 45%.

This book might be great for readers beginning to explore the world of psychology and becoming more self aware. I am at a slightly higher level than the audience this book is intended for. Says so in the title, so I can't fault it.

[SJ · Rating 5 out of 5]

I knew codependency was an issue when it came to interacting with addicts but I had no idea that codependency was an issue that could affect any relationship. Due to the author's knowledge and straight-forward writing style, this book has provided me with a more complete understanding of codependency, why it develops, how it affects a relationship and how to recover from it. She stresses the importance of building self-esteem and being authentic for recovery and provides lots of tips and strategies for doing that. Great book!

[David Fox · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very interesting,informative and helpful. when there are traits of codependency in a relationship, it is valuable to have some help to see where the symptoms are appearing and what may be behind it; sometimes one is to close to an issue to be able to see it.

[Cathy · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book took me a while to read because it is full of good information. It explains the Characteristics of Codependency, Relationships, and Recovery. It is thorough and gives guides and cheat sheets to help with personal progress.

[Soph · Rating 3 out of 5]

I like some of the tips but it’s pretty gender essentialist and also centres around alcoholism? Other reviews also say this. Overall I enjoyed it but I don’t know if it’s something I would recommend to everyone. It’s sometimes a bit anecdotal and specific.

[Katie · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is a great read and makes you be able to understand in very easy terms what codependency exactly is! I will continue to refer to this book through the recovery process!

[Jimmy Scarborough · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent!

[Darlene Lancer · Rating 5 out of 5]

5.0 out of 5 stars “Finding your voice…”, July 13, 2012 By Amaroo Jirra (…this side of oblivion…)

I am thrilled to have this book ! It’s a terrific outline of everything included in codependency issues and much more. There is so much to learn and so much to think about after reading each chapter. In many instances you’ll stop to ponder and say to yourself, “I do that.” And then you’ll put the tools and tips in motion and learn to change the behavior. It’s a wonderful, insightful look into how codependency has influenced your own life and the life of others. I can’t recommend this book more highly, it’s a must have for every library and anyone who has suffered from Narcissistic, Histrionic or Borderline Personality disordered friends or family who have made your life a living hell. The misery ends here.

Amazon gives us the opportunity to *Look inside this book,* which is something everyone should do if they’ve stumbled across this product page. The Table of Contents will give you an idea of what issues are discussed in the book so you can make a informed decision. This is an extremely valuable tool in itself.

The only down side is that the editing could have been better as the book has many grammatical errors and misspelled words. This is just an oversight, but this should have been more closely examined.

5.0 out of 5 stars A Great Introduction to and Analysis of Codependency, July 13, 2012 By Daniel Berkowitz

The Dummies series universally is considered a standout in the overcrowded self-help catalogue, and for good reason: It works. Each book is written by an expert and constructed in a practical, well-conceived way, typically without exception. This certainly is true of Darlene Lancer, MFT and Codependency for Dummies.

Lancer is an advanced degree-holding, licensed marriage and family therapist with 25 years’ experience. She writes from a place of authority and knowledge, confident in her abilities to educate people in the realities of this controversial subject.

Codependency is divided into 20 chapters. In the first, Lancer gives an overview of her subject, which many consider a disease, as well as some background information and details on why there are so many competing schools of thought.

She then goes on in subsequent chapters to describe the characteristics of a codependent, how to know if you are one, how to learn new ways to diminish your need to be one, and ultimately how to understand, value and empower yourself so as to not be one.

The most important part of the book is its first section, in which Lancer lays the groundwork for self-improvement. By using plain and engaging language to explain this unwanted behavior, Lancer makes her subject understandable, relatable and sympathetic. In Chapter 2, she writes: “Clinicians like labels in order to talk about and study an illness. It helps them identify symptoms, utilize tested treatments, and understand the origin of a disorder… I don’t like labels because they ignore each person’s uniqueness and make people feel badly about themselves.” (She does go on to address the undeniable benefits of labels, as well.)

While to some this may sound shortsighted and even overly superficial, I do not think this to be the case. Lancer not only understands her subject on an academic level, but she truly comprehends the “human” aspect of the disorder. Because of this, she is able to write from a place of warmth and sincerity often missing from self-help books.

Often,self-help books are filled with recycled ideas of authors’ previous books, as well as laden with platitudes and, in some cases, subtle condescension. Yet nothing of this sense is in Codependency. Instead, Lancer, not the full-time book producer that many are, writes in a highly personal way that makes her words stick with you.

Yes, it is true that Lancer is writing about a particular subject, making it harder to be trivial. But she still has to at least adequately discuss her subject with some level of novelty; she must still bring something to the table, so to speak. And she does.

I like the Dummies series for its comprehensiveness. The books are billed as one-stop guides to understanding and conquering a particular subject. In this case, Lancer not only provides information about codependency and ways to discover if you do in fact fit the mold, but she also provides tips, strategies and ways to move forward–ways to alleviate your codependency and live a better, healthier life.

Codependency is filled with this type of help. In Chapter 9, for example, Lancer spells out the benefits of meditation, “time-outs,” journaling, visualizing and what she calls “doing the opposite.” She writes:

“Try new behavior. If you often argue, be silent instead. If you’re usually silent, speak up. If you’re always serious, tell a joke. It may surprise people close to you and even yourself… Doing the opposite can also mean using a different part of your brain. Instead of obsessing, take a positive action toward solving the solution, which may be as simple as getting more information. When you’re obsessing about a person, shift to your emotions to release pent-up feelings… If you feel compelled to act, wait. Ask yourself what would be the consequence of waiting another day.”

This idea of trying to restructure your behavior is one of the key components to combating any disorder, especially codependency. The first part is understanding it. With Codependency for Dummies, you will surely be able to do both.

5.0 out of 5 stars Exercise Your Co-dependency Muscle, July 9, 2012 By Sherry Gaba

Reading Darlene’s book reminded me that co-dependency is a disease and can be just as detrimental to our sense of wholeness and serenity. She gets it! I love her simple message – become yourself, and this book breaks down that overwhelming and confusing task into simple steps of getting to know yourself, honoring who you are, and expressing and loving yourself in words and actions. In my own work as an addiction therapist, I emphasize the importance of authenticity, self-acceptance, and living in accordance with your values. In developing self-love, Darlene makes a great suggestion, “Interrupt your routine and listen with your heart, mind, and body. Ask yourself several times a day . . . “What is the most loving choice I can make right now?”

The self-discovery exercises to weed out the “The Tyrannical Trio” – the Critic, Pusher, and Perfectionist are powerful. The reader is helped to uncover self-sabotaging thoughts and beliefs that thwart goals and lead to low self-esteem, painful emotions, and problems in every area. The book squarely addresses the difficulty codependents have in identifying feelings and needs and explains how needs trigger feelings that lead to thoughts, actions, and consequences. It’s full of wisdom, useful tips, and tools for healing.

I was once again enlightened that I must exercise my co-dependency muscle on a daily basis, especially as someone who has experienced the pain of being on the other side of alcoholism and drug addiction. I recommend Codependency for Dummies to anyone who is or thinks he or she may be codependent, including recovering addicts who want to heal their underlying codependency.”

Sherry Gaba, LCSW and Life Coach, author of “The Law of Sobriety: Attracting Positive Energy for a Powerful Recovery and the Psychotherapist on VH1′s Celebrity Rehab”.

5.0 out of 5 stars Best book on codependency!! July 7, 2012 By Roxanne – former chemo patient

This is the very best book I have ever read on co-dependency. I GET it! I really did not get it until I read this book. The author outlines in simple, lay terms with real life examples how people develop codependency, what co-dependency looks like, how it progresses until a person hits bottom (sometimes that means illness – cancer in my case), and how people work their way out of it. I have never read anything better. I’m recommending it to everyone. And I will keep a copy for myself always, so that I can refer to it along the way on my journey of recovery. I now recognize “red flag” situations, understand how co-dependency works – and what is needed to move toward recovery. I’m doing just that – working toward recovery, feeling empowered and hopeful thanks to this amazing book and author!

5.0 out of 5 stars Review of Codependency for Dummies, May 30, 2012 By Flora Golden, Therapist

Darlene Lancer has written the definitive book on codependency. Everything anyone ever wanted to know about this subject matter is between its covers. Since its beginning, the codependency movement has grown in strength and relevance to modern life. That is why this book makes a profound contribution. In particular, it examines not only codependent characteristics, but unlike other books on the subject, combines both analysis of relationships and intrapsychic dynamics. This book is also unique in that Lancer also distinguishes codependent traits and relationships from healthy “pleasing,” caretaking, and functional relationships.

In this book, Ms Lancer describes the childhood origins of codependency, its particular symptoms and what can be done to heal it. Almost everyone has some features of this condition, and whether or not you identify as codependent, there are loads of self-improvement exercises and tips. She also gives practical advice and to where to go to seek help. Everyone, therapists, patients, or anyone else who is looking for knowledge in this field, should own a copy.

5.0 out of 5 stars Codependents guide to dealing with life, June 1, 2012 By jormi

This is one of the most profound books I have found in dealing with codependency. Darlene uses so many great life experiences to teach us. If you are an individual who is recovering from codependency or a victim of behavior of a codependent you seriously need to buy this book. There is great insight on how to deal with these issues. Darlene opens up many doors that to me were sealed shut. I have learned to address so many things that I was not even aware of that constituted behavior of codependency. As a codependent whom is still in the recovery process I urge you to buy this book. It is probably the best investment in your future out there. Thank You Darlene for your hard work and effort and sharing your life experiences to help benefit all of those who still suffer with codependency.

5.0 out of 5 stars Excellence for Breaking the Cycle of Codependency, July 5, 2012 By A Little Wiser

A friend of mine recommended this Codependency book by Darlene Lancer, and I am glad I purchased it. I have been consultant in the area of grief and loss for 22 years and read everything pertinent on how to best assist clients to a positive outcome. I found this to be an excellent book. The author’s own personal experience brings a rich understanding and compassionate style to the material. I recommend it not only for the counselor, but also to clients who are willing to accept their situation and learn the steps to emotional health.
As I worked through the book I found chapters 5-10 in “Part II: Breaking the Cycle of Codependency: Beginning Recovery” pertinent to my work:
Chapter 5: Crossing De-Nile to Recover
Chapter 6: The Process of Recovery
Chapter 7: How Did You Become Codependent?
Chapter 8: Taking Stock of Who You Are
Chapter 9: Non attachment and Acceptance
Chapter 10: Learning to Value Yourself
For me, there were many steps (that she lists) I already follow to assist those who are troubled, stuck and in denial of a particular situation. Making reference to this book, particularly Chapters 6 and 9, will clearly facilitate my sessions.
I was amazed at the thoroughness of this book and will recommend this book often to others who consult clientele on similar topics.
Rev. Nancy Matz

5.0 out of 5 stars Such a helpful book!, June 29, 2012 By K. Dianne Schwartz “Author: Dianne Schwartz”

I love the concept, which I feel will reach more people in need of Ms. Lancer’s guidance. She knows what she’s talking (or writing) about and I appreciated her understanding and knowledge on the topic.

This book will help those involved in a codependent relationship and could stop someone from engaging in one. There are so many of us who have experienced these involvements (some more than once) so to have a therapist who helps us see the light and truth of our situation is very important.

I believe this book would be great for teenagers. I wish I had something like this to read when I was younger!

5.0 out of 5 stars Everybody I know can benefit from Codependency for Dummies,May 24, 2012 By ‘MaryLou Cheatham “The Collard Patch” (Louisiana)

I am surprised to be the first person reviewing this book. It is fascinating, the kind of book that is difficult to close once it is opened. I enjoyed taking the two tests in Chapter 4, but I was disappointed that no criteria accompanied the second test in order for the reader/test-taker to determine whether he was codependent.

According to the standards in Codependency for Dummies, most of the people I know are codependent to one extent or another,and most of us need to work on our codependency. The rest of us have close acquaintances who need help in this area.

The concluding paragraph in the book is “Don’t Isolate” — what useful advice! Yet we live in an isolated world. Up and down the street are single people — some retired or working at home alone — some without any companionship, not even a dog. Isolation is a way of life. Much of the time in our education system and in work environments we are in a society of isolation.

I agree with much of what Darlene Lancer, licensed marriage and family therapist, has to say. We really need to work on our codependence and move out of the mire of low self-esteem. I do not, however, agree with her philosophy about spirituality. She states, “Whether or not you believe in God, a spiritual practice is an excellent means of creating a deeper relationship with our Self.”

[Rebecca]

I started reading this around July(?) last year and finally finished it. Despite the title, it's actually a very informative read written in a very easy-to-understand way. Darlene Lancer has written quite a few books on codependency and I think her experience with this area shows. I've learned quite a lot from this. Would definitely recommend to anyone who's suffering codependency.

[April Pitts · Rating 3 out of 5]

I think that Darlene Lancer's book, Codependency For Dummies (2015) is a good introduction to the topic for people who know very little about it. While not intended to be a substitute for work with a licensed, experienced therapist, the book offers specific, helpful strategies for releasing negative patterns that can easily be practiced in daily life. Atheists, secular humanists, and others who may feel uncomfortable with "God talk" might want to proceed with caution, though. As written here, it seems that "letting go and letting God" and relying on a higher power for support is a big part of the codependency recovery process.

[Laura Aranda · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book was a 2.5 experience for me. On one hand, it gave excellent and practical guidance and information on codependency. On the other, it was very Christian and in too many parts of the book I raised my brows. It’s very cishetero, and it slut shames and fat shames numerous times. I would love for this book to be rewritten through a lens of radical love and acceptance. This was not that. I would like to recommend the book for some of the exercises and knowledge, but I can’t deny that it was pretty triggering and I wouldn’t want it to cause more harm to someone struggling.

[Jenny · Rating 2 out of 5]

It le me know that what does the whole process of recovery looks like. 1.Aceept reality and let it go, mind my own business. 2. Being honest and open to myself and other. I lie to others because in my deep heart i don't accept myself. 3. face childhood trauma and heal the hurt. ~~~~~~It's all about prove self-esteem, and start learning love myself and being positive.

[BegumIrdawati · Rating 4 out of 5]

A simple book to help you understand and overcome codependency.

[Andrea · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great book. Enlightening.

[Lina Jaber · Rating 5 out of 5]

Do you want to go to therapy but you can't? Read this book.

[Sanja Rozman · Rating 5 out of 5]

Codependency for Dummies is by far the best book on the subject of enmeshed relationships. As a codependent myself, 30 years in recovery, and a therapist for behavioral addictions, reading it has helped me conceptualize, understand, and overcome the sweet romantic trap of addiction that had been destroying my relationships. I recommend it to all my codependent clients and their loved ones, to help them understand that addictive love is more about control than actual help.
It's a great book to start your recovery journey with, but it's not actually for the dummies, but for smart and courageous people who decide to do something about it. It takes great courage to stop blaming everybody else for the pain in your relationships and start understanding where your "love" has gone sour and what boundaries in relationships really mean. I wish I had read it thirty years ago and saved myself a lot of trouble and grief, but better late than never. It's a beacon of hope and a must-read for everyone who finds themselves in troubled relationships and believes that they need to be needed instead of loved just as they are.

[Dianne Porter · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is the first book for Dummies I have read from cover to cover. Often I just pick out bits that I need and leave the rest. However I found this Dummies book a great study on codependency which is harder than I thought to get my head around. So many useful skills any one in any relationship any where can apply. Co dependency can be a habbit we fall into if we are not awake to how it works. Especially if we are not alert to our own role in it. It has helped me recognise my potential for unhelpful ways of working others I am now better prepared to avoid for both their sake and my sake.

This is an excellent and clear presentation of this complex subject that touches our own emotional core gently and helpfully.

[Lorene Mozsa · Rating 5 out of 5]

Amazing. I learned so much from the information in this book.
I have discovered answers to things I never even knew I had questions to.
This book is so clear, concise, and to the point, and I can relate to most of the characteristics and behaviours described, so it really resonated with my past and current experiences.
I originally listened to it on audio, but I also purchased the physical copy so I could underline parts that are important to me.
There are concepts in here that I have wondered about my whole life, and it's all laid out in a way that is so easy to understand.
As soon as I'd finished reading it, I began to read it all over again.

[Claudia · Rating 5 out of 5]

Easy to read, quite in-depth book about codependency and thought- and behavioural patterns that make it very hard for many people to have healthy and stable relationships - by far not only for partners or familymembers of addicts. Neither me nor my partner are addicts, and I have none in my family, but the book helped me to find out that I´m from a family whose members are highly codependent on one another. Reading this book helped me immensely to pinpoint my own challenges, their roots and gave me advice and excercises how to deal with them better in the future.

[Melina · Rating 5 out of 5]

Thorough Awesome read

I loved how thorough this book was. However, at some points I was getting exhausted at how thorough it was haha. Although, I don’t think there’s any need to read other books on this because it’s so comprehensive and easy to understand. You’ll find out that at the root of every neurosis, is codependency, which is caused by a lack of self love due to trauma. It’s so simple yet so hard to apply, but I’m looking forward to the process of recovery and relief.

[Joshua Haldeman · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is the first piece of writing I’ve ever read on the topic of codependency, and I think it was a really great place to start. I didn’t realize how thorough Dummies books are, but this really laid it all out there. You can expect definitions and honing in on what codependency is, where it comes from, what it looks like in practice, and what the road of recovery entails. After a run-through I am now going back to work through some of the exercises and practices recommended. Overall really helpful.

[Di]

Türkçe baskısındaki yazı tipi boyutu, bu kitabın sayfa büyüklüğüne oranla küçük tutulmuş. Satır aralarındaki boşluklar da dar. Bu önemli tasarım detayı (benim için) okumayı zorlaştırıyor. Kitapın paylaşmayı amaçladığı değerli bilgilerin arada kaybolmasına neden oluyor diye düşünüyorum.

The font size in the Turkish edition has been kept small compared to the size of this book. The spacing between the lines is also narrow. This important design detail makes it difficult (for me) to read. It may cause the loss of valuable information that the book aims to share.

[Laura · Rating 5 out of 5]

I liked this book because its simple. You don't need a psychology education to understand it. The tips and suggestions are all very reasonable and designed for the average person to achieve, plus lots of great resources are provided for further reading and where to seek help if any of it resonates with you.