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The Introvert's Way: Living a Quiet Life in a Noisy World
Introversion Is a Gift.
This clever and pithy book challenges introverts to take ownership of their personalities...with quiet strength. Sophia Dembling asserts that the introvert’s lifestyle is not “wrong” or lacking, as society or extroverts would have us believe. Through a combination of personal insights and psychology, The Introvert’s Way helps and encourages introverts to embrace their nature, to respect traits they may have been ashamed of and reframe them as assets.
You’re not shy; rather, you appreciate the joys of quiet. You’re not antisocial; instead, you enjoy recharging through time alone. You’re not unfriendly, but you do find more meaning in one-on-one connections than large gatherings.
By honoring what makes them unique, this astute and inspiring book challenges introverts to “own” their introversion, igniting a quiet revolution that will change how they see themselves and how they engage with the world.
This clever and pithy book challenges introverts to take ownership of their personalities...with quiet strength. Sophia Dembling asserts that the introvert’s lifestyle is not “wrong” or lacking, as society or extroverts would have us believe. Through a combination of personal insights and psychology, The Introvert’s Way helps and encourages introverts to embrace their nature, to respect traits they may have been ashamed of and reframe them as assets.
You’re not shy; rather, you appreciate the joys of quiet. You’re not antisocial; instead, you enjoy recharging through time alone. You’re not unfriendly, but you do find more meaning in one-on-one connections than large gatherings.
By honoring what makes them unique, this astute and inspiring book challenges introverts to “own” their introversion, igniting a quiet revolution that will change how they see themselves and how they engage with the world.
198 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 2012
592 people are currently reading
15408 people want to read
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April 29, 2014
"I have to admit, there were times over the course of my life...when even I wondered if maybe I were some kind of coldhearted snob. Why was I so reluctant to go to parties and why did I want to leave them shortly after arriving? Why did I get annoyed if a date with a friend turned into a group outing? Why was I so picky, picky, picky about who I spent time with? Why did weekly check-in phone calls from friends get on my nerves? Why did gregarious people cause be a back away slowly? Why did I like being alone so much? Was I shy? Mean? Judgmental? Misanthropic? Dour? Did I hate people? Was I socially stunted? What was wrong with me and how could I change and be the kind of back-slapping, fun--for-all type of person that everyone seems to prefer? Why? Because it's not my nature. I'm an introvert. And there's not a damn thing wrong with me." -- Introduction
This book helped me to understand that I'm not weird, just an introvert. And there are millions of other people out there to struggle with the same things I do. (A slow train of thought, living in my head, annoyance with idle chitchat and the telephone, relishing alone time and observing others, etc.)
Overall, the most encouraging things I've learned:
1. Watch energy levels! Since introverts are often worn out by interactions with people, it's important to pay attention to your energy level to avoid sulking/snapping.
2. Small talk is necessary and cannot be avoided. So stop thinking about how vacuous it can be. Focus on this: "It's not the content, it's the action."
3. "Introverts are not failed extroverts." It is not "un-American" to be reserved. It takes all types to make the world interesting. Thus, it is important to be understanding of differences and try to work together.
This book is short and sweet, clarifying introversion with humor and little technical language. Although I didn't feel that every "symptom" of introversion applied to me, if I were compiling of "Most Influential Books of My Life list" this would definitely make it. An excellent read for introverts looking for affirmation, or extroverts wishing to understand the more reserved members of humanity.
This book helped me to understand that I'm not weird, just an introvert. And there are millions of other people out there to struggle with the same things I do. (A slow train of thought, living in my head, annoyance with idle chitchat and the telephone, relishing alone time and observing others, etc.)
Overall, the most encouraging things I've learned:
1. Watch energy levels! Since introverts are often worn out by interactions with people, it's important to pay attention to your energy level to avoid sulking/snapping.
2. Small talk is necessary and cannot be avoided. So stop thinking about how vacuous it can be. Focus on this: "It's not the content, it's the action."
3. "Introverts are not failed extroverts." It is not "un-American" to be reserved. It takes all types to make the world interesting. Thus, it is important to be understanding of differences and try to work together.
This book is short and sweet, clarifying introversion with humor and little technical language. Although I didn't feel that every "symptom" of introversion applied to me, if I were compiling of "Most Influential Books of My Life list" this would definitely make it. An excellent read for introverts looking for affirmation, or extroverts wishing to understand the more reserved members of humanity.
July 7, 2013
Chapter 27: "Fact 1: Some People Are Boring. Fact 2: You Are Not Obligated to Listen to Them."
This book is boring. Dembling writes about introversion almost exclusively from within her own experience of that trait. There's a sprinkling of science, but mostly The Introvert's Way is a memoir of Dembling's own life as an introvert.
Unfortunately, the type of introvert she is happens to be almost the exact opposite from the type of introvert I am. I found some of her writing helpful or recognizable: extraverts do tend to fill in my silence with their own meanings; I hate the telephone; I'm good at public speaking; and what makes any interaction worthwhile is a sense that I'm getting a return on my investment. But most of it...no.
This is not the introvert's way. It is an introvert's way. And it's an introvert's way that excludes rather than includes its own audience. It may be helpful for introverts who are really struggling to feel empowered in their tendencies and preferences toward solitude, but for those of us who've already figured out how to establish boundaries and catch a breath in the bathrooms and take a dose of socializing 'cuz it's good for us (even if it tastes bad), there's not much here.
I did appreciate learning about the Cheek and Buss shyness scale and discovering that Jennifer Grimes' work may be worth looking into, but both of those are incidental to the bulk of Dembling's writing. If you're a confident and experienced introvert looking to be inspired, you're better off picking up Susan Cain's Quiet than The Introvert's Way.
This book is boring. Dembling writes about introversion almost exclusively from within her own experience of that trait. There's a sprinkling of science, but mostly The Introvert's Way is a memoir of Dembling's own life as an introvert.
Unfortunately, the type of introvert she is happens to be almost the exact opposite from the type of introvert I am. I found some of her writing helpful or recognizable: extraverts do tend to fill in my silence with their own meanings; I hate the telephone; I'm good at public speaking; and what makes any interaction worthwhile is a sense that I'm getting a return on my investment. But most of it...no.
This is not the introvert's way. It is an introvert's way. And it's an introvert's way that excludes rather than includes its own audience. It may be helpful for introverts who are really struggling to feel empowered in their tendencies and preferences toward solitude, but for those of us who've already figured out how to establish boundaries and catch a breath in the bathrooms and take a dose of socializing 'cuz it's good for us (even if it tastes bad), there's not much here.
I did appreciate learning about the Cheek and Buss shyness scale and discovering that Jennifer Grimes' work may be worth looking into, but both of those are incidental to the bulk of Dembling's writing. If you're a confident and experienced introvert looking to be inspired, you're better off picking up Susan Cain's Quiet than The Introvert's Way.
June 27, 2016
This is a nice, peppy book that seems designed to make introverts feel better about themselves. At least, it made me feel better.
Dembling, who writes a blog for Psychology Today, delves into research about the differences between extroverts and introverts. I especially appreciated the information on Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs), and I could relate to a lot of the examples she shared. She also gave advice on ways introverts can manage talkative people and noisy environments.
If you identify as an introvert, you might find this book helpful and comforting. However, my favorite book on this subject is still Susan Cain's Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking, which I highly recommend.
Dembling, who writes a blog for Psychology Today, delves into research about the differences between extroverts and introverts. I especially appreciated the information on Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs), and I could relate to a lot of the examples she shared. She also gave advice on ways introverts can manage talkative people and noisy environments.
If you identify as an introvert, you might find this book helpful and comforting. However, my favorite book on this subject is still Susan Cain's Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking, which I highly recommend.
January 25, 2021
5 Stars
I couldn’t help but devour this book about being an introvert in a not-so-introvert friendly world.
Impressively astute and outrageously witty at times, Dembling has cut-to-the-core of what it feels like to experience life as an introverted human being. And the best part is, here, introversion is celebrated as a strength, rather than something that makes one lacking or less-than, as is often the case when introversion is compared or tallied-up against extroversion.
If, like me, you identify (strongly) as an introvert, this is definitely a book well worth your time. You may not learn anything groundbreakingly profound—although you just might—but I can guarantee that you’ll Relate (with a capital R) to everything Dembling discusses within. And the best part is, you’ll have a fun time doing it because her snark and insights are ON POINT!
Now, if you’re not an introvert but you love someone who is, then reading a book like this might be a game-changer in the way you interact with and understand your introverted loved one. Just a thought…
I couldn’t help but devour this book about being an introvert in a not-so-introvert friendly world.
Impressively astute and outrageously witty at times, Dembling has cut-to-the-core of what it feels like to experience life as an introverted human being. And the best part is, here, introversion is celebrated as a strength, rather than something that makes one lacking or less-than, as is often the case when introversion is compared or tallied-up against extroversion.
If, like me, you identify (strongly) as an introvert, this is definitely a book well worth your time. You may not learn anything groundbreakingly profound—although you just might—but I can guarantee that you’ll Relate (with a capital R) to everything Dembling discusses within. And the best part is, you’ll have a fun time doing it because her snark and insights are ON POINT!
Now, if you’re not an introvert but you love someone who is, then reading a book like this might be a game-changer in the way you interact with and understand your introverted loved one. Just a thought…
April 17, 2013
I wish I can quote almost half of the book. Sophia Dembling's The Introvert's Way: Living a quiet life in a noisy world was sharp, witty, and an easy read with a touch of research, psychology, insights from introverted people around the world, and her perspective of introversion, which is the heart of this book. Now, to begin with, I have been hunting this book for quite a long time already and I must admit it was such a struggle before I finally purchased it with a huge grin on my face. But I must say it was worth the work I exerted because I finally came across a book that understands me in ways no other people around me can. You guys might ask, why did I even buy this book. Of course, the answer is obvious, I am an introvert. It is in the "about me" of my blog and I am not ashamed to say it so. Though, for me, it's more of a nature than a personality. But let me clear this. I am not a misanthropic/antisocial/friendless kind of guy. I have a few amount of friends and I actually have great socialization skills. But at the end of the day, I also long for moments when I would have the time to myself, either with a book on my hand, or tiring my eyes out in the virtual world.
What I liked about this book though, was that it tackled the misperception of people towards introversion and how extroversion had since then been on the limelight. Of course, we can't deny, sometimes introversion is like a stigma, people would tell you that it's not a healthy personality. That we should come out of our shells and eventually get a life. That we are party haters, kill joys, and we suck on getting along with the crowd. That it is often connected to being shy, being lonely, people hating, or worst, sometimes they will ask you out of nowhere, do you have Asperger's? But in reality, we just view things way different from how extroverted people does. What can be the version of fun for them may not be fun for us. We think through the in-between of things, we are good listeners, and we carefully weigh our thoughts before we blurt it out from our mouths. The core of introversion and extroversion had long been an argument but it's always up to the people bearing these personalities on how they would live their lives the way they wanted it to be.
This book isn't bias, let me say that. This book is for introverts to realize that having it is not something to be ashamed for. Instead it aims to help accept, understand, and live with introversion the same way people having different personalities. And as long as there is respect and understanding between both sides (introverts and extroverts) then it would unite and give balance to both parties and they can eventually become friends. Who knows, right? I am really glad I found this book. There were parts that I just stood in awe and felt silly of myself. I mean it was a relief, I am not the only person going through those things I thought that are not being felt/experienced by other people. I believe Sophia Dembling was able to fulfill what she intended to do on publishing this book and I am yet to read another book about introversion, Quiet by Susan Cain.
What I liked about this book though, was that it tackled the misperception of people towards introversion and how extroversion had since then been on the limelight. Of course, we can't deny, sometimes introversion is like a stigma, people would tell you that it's not a healthy personality. That we should come out of our shells and eventually get a life. That we are party haters, kill joys, and we suck on getting along with the crowd. That it is often connected to being shy, being lonely, people hating, or worst, sometimes they will ask you out of nowhere, do you have Asperger's? But in reality, we just view things way different from how extroverted people does. What can be the version of fun for them may not be fun for us. We think through the in-between of things, we are good listeners, and we carefully weigh our thoughts before we blurt it out from our mouths. The core of introversion and extroversion had long been an argument but it's always up to the people bearing these personalities on how they would live their lives the way they wanted it to be.
This book isn't bias, let me say that. This book is for introverts to realize that having it is not something to be ashamed for. Instead it aims to help accept, understand, and live with introversion the same way people having different personalities. And as long as there is respect and understanding between both sides (introverts and extroverts) then it would unite and give balance to both parties and they can eventually become friends. Who knows, right? I am really glad I found this book. There were parts that I just stood in awe and felt silly of myself. I mean it was a relief, I am not the only person going through those things I thought that are not being felt/experienced by other people. I believe Sophia Dembling was able to fulfill what she intended to do on publishing this book and I am yet to read another book about introversion, Quiet by Susan Cain.
December 9, 2012
'The Introvert's Way' makes a nice companion to Susan Cain's 'Quiet', another book about the glory of being an introvert, though it is also great as a stand-alone title. (I only mention it in conjunction with the latter because I read and loved them both) Dembling doesn't make the case that introversion is better or worse than being extroverted. Rather, she clearly illustrates the benefits and drawbacks of both. I found myself nodding in agreement through most of the book, as well as confronting some biases and deep-seated resentment I had as introvert living within a culture that honours extroversion. As someone who, for most of my life, believed that something was wrong with me because I genuinely enjoyed being alone, it is rewarding to find out that, not is affinity for solitude normal, but it is also just as important as socializing to live a well-balanced life. This book, along with 'Quiet' is great for introverts and the people who love them. As a bonus, the author has an excellent sense of humour. I highly recommend this book.
January 15, 2020
Sommige stukken waren erg herkenbaar voor mij. Andere stukken weer minder, maar dat kan komen omdat sommige dingen gebaseerd zijn op de Amerikaanse cultuur en de Nederlandse cultuur is natuurlijk weer anders. Wel merkte ik dat ze vaak in herhaling viel, zeker in de eerste helft van het boek. Daardoor begon ik af en toe een beetje te skimmen in plaats van grondig te lezen. In ieder geval wil ik het feit dat ik introvert ben meer gaan omarmen!
June 10, 2016
The Introvert's Way is a collection of Dembling's blog posts about introversion. It's engaging, but she writes as the royal "we" which I found distracting. No one has the authority to speak for introverts as a group. Right, introverts? *crickets*
I loved how she cleared up some rather major misunderstandings that I've been running into my entire adult life, like this one: "When we want to, not-shy introverts can nut up to the task of being charming and witty. We can meet new people. We can start conversations and keep them rolling, and even draw shy people out, since we're good at not getting up in anyone's face and we're patient listeners... Introverts who are not shy are used to being told that they could not possibly be introverts. This can be irritating, but think of it as a teachable moment." pg 16-17
Dembling gives some concrete ways in which introverts can improve their social skills: "If you're misinterpreted more often than not, you might need to give some thought to what your quiet is telling people. When you are sitting quietly, try to parse what kind of quiet you're feeling. "Leave me alone" quiet is different from "thinking hard" quiet, which is different from "enjoying watching the scene" quiet, which is different from "I'm totally overwhelmed, get me out of here" quiet. Once you have a sense of what you want to project, consider your body language. pg 37 My husband has expressed to me, many times, that he can't read my "quiet". This can be problematic because when I'm upset, I withdraw completely and, if he's not paying attention, he misses the whole thing. Maybe I should make some signs...
"...with our deep listening habits and our hyperawareness and sensitivity, introverts are particularly susceptible to being sucked into the vortex of other people's demands and expectations, which can cause us to keep going long after we are completely drained of energy." pg 55 This is a legit problem. I'm from a large family of extroverts and I've learned that I have to draw very clear boundaries to preserve my space. There's an assumption that if I'm home that I'm not doing anything "important" and I should be willing to go out and do whatever it is that they're doing. Annoying. I know that they do it out of love and the desire to make me feel included, but sometimes, most times really, I just want to be left alone.
This, just this: "Nine out of ten introverts agree: the telephone is the tool of the devil." pg 64 End of story. I can never think of anything to say while I'm on the phone, but after I hang up, I think of ten million things I could have said. It's a vicious cycle of terror and then regret. I'm over it.
Dembling's "Affirmations for Introverts" are excellent. Here's my favorite: "I know what I need better than anyone else." pg 179
It was encouraging to read about how some of my major personality quirks, which I have always viewed as flaws, are not really stumbling blocks at all. It's just how I interact with the world. I'm very fortunate in that my friends and family have accepted me for who I am, for the most part, and not pushed me to be someone that I'm not. I just wish that I had been more aware of what makes me happy and not been so hard on myself for so many years because I wasn't an extrovert. Wish I was good at parties, made small talk with ease, lit up a room with my mere presence, but I don't. And, at long last I realize: that's ok.
If you're looking for more books on this topic, try The Power of Personality: How Introverts and Extroverts Can Combine to Amazing Effect by Sylvia Loehken or The Life-Changing Magic of Not Giving a F*ck: How to Stop Spending Time You Don't Have with People You Don't Like Doing Things You Don't Want to Do by Sarah Knight (not necessarily a book on personalities, but I found it useful as a technique to manage my energy).
I loved how she cleared up some rather major misunderstandings that I've been running into my entire adult life, like this one: "When we want to, not-shy introverts can nut up to the task of being charming and witty. We can meet new people. We can start conversations and keep them rolling, and even draw shy people out, since we're good at not getting up in anyone's face and we're patient listeners... Introverts who are not shy are used to being told that they could not possibly be introverts. This can be irritating, but think of it as a teachable moment." pg 16-17
Dembling gives some concrete ways in which introverts can improve their social skills: "If you're misinterpreted more often than not, you might need to give some thought to what your quiet is telling people. When you are sitting quietly, try to parse what kind of quiet you're feeling. "Leave me alone" quiet is different from "thinking hard" quiet, which is different from "enjoying watching the scene" quiet, which is different from "I'm totally overwhelmed, get me out of here" quiet. Once you have a sense of what you want to project, consider your body language. pg 37 My husband has expressed to me, many times, that he can't read my "quiet". This can be problematic because when I'm upset, I withdraw completely and, if he's not paying attention, he misses the whole thing. Maybe I should make some signs...
"...with our deep listening habits and our hyperawareness and sensitivity, introverts are particularly susceptible to being sucked into the vortex of other people's demands and expectations, which can cause us to keep going long after we are completely drained of energy." pg 55 This is a legit problem. I'm from a large family of extroverts and I've learned that I have to draw very clear boundaries to preserve my space. There's an assumption that if I'm home that I'm not doing anything "important" and I should be willing to go out and do whatever it is that they're doing. Annoying. I know that they do it out of love and the desire to make me feel included, but sometimes, most times really, I just want to be left alone.
This, just this: "Nine out of ten introverts agree: the telephone is the tool of the devil." pg 64 End of story. I can never think of anything to say while I'm on the phone, but after I hang up, I think of ten million things I could have said. It's a vicious cycle of terror and then regret. I'm over it.
Dembling's "Affirmations for Introverts" are excellent. Here's my favorite: "I know what I need better than anyone else." pg 179
It was encouraging to read about how some of my major personality quirks, which I have always viewed as flaws, are not really stumbling blocks at all. It's just how I interact with the world. I'm very fortunate in that my friends and family have accepted me for who I am, for the most part, and not pushed me to be someone that I'm not. I just wish that I had been more aware of what makes me happy and not been so hard on myself for so many years because I wasn't an extrovert. Wish I was good at parties, made small talk with ease, lit up a room with my mere presence, but I don't. And, at long last I realize: that's ok.
If you're looking for more books on this topic, try The Power of Personality: How Introverts and Extroverts Can Combine to Amazing Effect by Sylvia Loehken or The Life-Changing Magic of Not Giving a F*ck: How to Stop Spending Time You Don't Have with People You Don't Like Doing Things You Don't Want to Do by Sarah Knight (not necessarily a book on personalities, but I found it useful as a technique to manage my energy).
December 30, 2012
My extrovert wife and our two extrovert sons bought this for me for Christmas almost as a joke. There is a lot of truth in what the author says: there is nothing wrong with introverts. My introvert son gets to read read it next. Then maybe my annoyingly extrovert mother and brother.
There is one thing I did not like. If we use the Myers-Briggs model, there are eight flavors of introvert, and the differences between being an I and an E are as important as the differences between being S-N, T-F or J-P. This book does remind us that all introverts are not alike but also tends to lump all eight flavors together, often implying some type of personal sensitivity that I imagine belongs to those who score high on the F dimension. As high scoring T, I don't notice how you feel, and unless there is a logical reason, I don't care.
I still recommend that introverts read this and then they should loan it to their extrovert family and friends who are convinced we're handicapped and lonely.
There is one thing I did not like. If we use the Myers-Briggs model, there are eight flavors of introvert, and the differences between being an I and an E are as important as the differences between being S-N, T-F or J-P. This book does remind us that all introverts are not alike but also tends to lump all eight flavors together, often implying some type of personal sensitivity that I imagine belongs to those who score high on the F dimension. As high scoring T, I don't notice how you feel, and unless there is a logical reason, I don't care.
I still recommend that introverts read this and then they should loan it to their extrovert family and friends who are convinced we're handicapped and lonely.
February 4, 2017
4.5 stars. I got this from my library, but this is the type of book that I will be buying and rereading so I can highlight specific passages that really spoke to me. The author did a fantastic job of addressing every aspect and type of introversion. No one got left out! A must-read for anyone who even has traits of introversion, you will learn so much more about yourself!
January 15, 2014
This is the second book I've read on the subject of introversion. I was lead to this book through Amazon recommendations after I read "Quiet: The Power of Introverts In A World That Can't Stop Talking" by Susan Cain. I loved that book and I always knew myself to be an introvert but had never done any real reading about what exactly makes someone an introvert. Susan Cain's book was marvelous and I found myself within those pages over and over.
Sophia Dembling's book is not quite as substantial as Susan Cain's, in that there is very little, if almost no science in it at all. It is basically a quick little read about her life as an introvert and a few tiny tips sprinkled in here and there. Most of the tips I found were about socializing, more specifically what to do about parties. I guess Ms. Dembling must get a lot of party invitations. I don't have that particular problem, so most of the tips were kind of irrelevant to my life.
The subtitle "Living a Quiet Life In A Noisy World" is what drew me to purchase this book, but it's kind of misleading. I was looking for more substantial advice on how to actually live a quiet life in a noisy world. It should be "How I Sophia Dembling live a quiet life in a noisy world"
If you're looking for a more in depth look at Why you or someone you love is an introvert, this book probably won't give you the answers you're looking for. If you're an introvert yourself and just looking for a quick little read (The Chapters are incredibly short, like 2-3 pages on average, so you can read through it quickly, and read through quite a few chapters without having to make a huge time commitment) I would recommend this book. If you're looking for more information about "Why" someone is an introvert, I would recommend "Quiet" by Susan Cain. This book is a nice lighter read after the heftiness of "Quiet" but I wouldn't recommend it as your "go-to" book about introversion.
Sophia Dembling's book is not quite as substantial as Susan Cain's, in that there is very little, if almost no science in it at all. It is basically a quick little read about her life as an introvert and a few tiny tips sprinkled in here and there. Most of the tips I found were about socializing, more specifically what to do about parties. I guess Ms. Dembling must get a lot of party invitations. I don't have that particular problem, so most of the tips were kind of irrelevant to my life.
The subtitle "Living a Quiet Life In A Noisy World" is what drew me to purchase this book, but it's kind of misleading. I was looking for more substantial advice on how to actually live a quiet life in a noisy world. It should be "How I Sophia Dembling live a quiet life in a noisy world"
If you're looking for a more in depth look at Why you or someone you love is an introvert, this book probably won't give you the answers you're looking for. If you're an introvert yourself and just looking for a quick little read (The Chapters are incredibly short, like 2-3 pages on average, so you can read through it quickly, and read through quite a few chapters without having to make a huge time commitment) I would recommend this book. If you're looking for more information about "Why" someone is an introvert, I would recommend "Quiet" by Susan Cain. This book is a nice lighter read after the heftiness of "Quiet" but I wouldn't recommend it as your "go-to" book about introversion.
May 16, 2013
Repetitive and the content only touches on the surface of the subject. I felt that the writer was indulging herself too much on her experience like a broken record.
Here's an example:
"I am a flâneur. Many of my best moments of travel have involved sitting and watching. In New York, I spend hours in Central Park, drifting from one bench to another to watch the passing scene. I did the same sitting alone under the long summer sun in the Vigeland sculpture garden in Oslo. In Venice, my husband and I returned several times to a cafe table under a huge tree passing hours with snacks and cold drinks, watching Venetians go about their business. In Rome, my niece and I ended every day with gelato at a favourite spot outside Pantheon. Sitting, eating watching. Conversation optional.
Sitting and watching is a complete feast for introvets' super sensitive sensory perception. We take it all in....the way people walk, how they dress, snippets of conversation.We take the time to notice what a place smells like. I like watching the light change as the afternoon winds down. I try to imagine the homes people are hustling to, heads down, filled with purpose, at the end of the day"
Yeah, we get it already. Next.
Here's an example:
"I am a flâneur. Many of my best moments of travel have involved sitting and watching. In New York, I spend hours in Central Park, drifting from one bench to another to watch the passing scene. I did the same sitting alone under the long summer sun in the Vigeland sculpture garden in Oslo. In Venice, my husband and I returned several times to a cafe table under a huge tree passing hours with snacks and cold drinks, watching Venetians go about their business. In Rome, my niece and I ended every day with gelato at a favourite spot outside Pantheon. Sitting, eating watching. Conversation optional.
Sitting and watching is a complete feast for introvets' super sensitive sensory perception. We take it all in....the way people walk, how they dress, snippets of conversation.We take the time to notice what a place smells like. I like watching the light change as the afternoon winds down. I try to imagine the homes people are hustling to, heads down, filled with purpose, at the end of the day"
Yeah, we get it already. Next.
March 22, 2013
**Way to Be an Introvert**
The Table of Contents is what sold me on this book. In and off itself, it captures the challenges, quirks, and perks of being an introvert:
• Introverts Unite
• What Would Jung Say?
• The Great American Racket
• Science Says We’re Not Necessarily Shy
• Born to Be Mild
• Quiet Riot
• Just Intense Enough
• The Slow Train of Thought
• The Internal Flame
• What Quiet Says
• The Fertile Void
• I Like to Watch
• Energy In, Energy Out
• “We Didn’t Know You Were an Introvert, We Just Thought You Were a Bitch.”
• Magic Words to Plug Energy Drains
• Introverts Are Not Failed Extroverts
• I Like People…Just Not All People All the Time
• Don’t Call Us, We’ll Call…Well, No, Maybe We Won’t
• We Gotta Fight for Our Right Not to Party
• Loneliness Is a State of Mind
• The Happiness Bias
• Who’s a Narcissist?
• Turning the Extrovert Advantage Upside Down
• The Party Predicament
• The Bathroom and Other Party Survival Skills
• Hell Is a Cocktail Party
• Fact 1: Some People Are Boring, Fact 2: You Are Not Obligated to Listen to Them
• Saying Yes When You Want to Say No (and Vice Versa)
• Extroversion in a Bottle
• There Must Be Fifty Ways to Leave a Party
• Life Through Introvert Eyes
• “It’ll Be Fun!” They Say, But We Beg to Differ
• Fun, Introvert Style
• Friend, “Friends,” Acquaintances, and Why Bother?
• The Online Extrovert
• The Happy Noise of Extroversion
• Because They Love You
• Itty-Bitty Introverts
• Love Us, but Leave Us Alone (Sometimes)
• I F#&$ing Hate It When They Say That
• A Team of One
• Introvert Feats of Derring-Do
• First, Leave the House and Other Tips for Making Friends
• Mind Fullness to Mindfulness
• Mistakes Introverts Make
• Affirmations for Introverts
• Middle Ground
• C’mon People Now, Smile on Your Brother
Not surprisingly, the rest of the book is just as insightful, witty, and engaging. In addition to exploring, explaining, and validating the introvert’s way (which really is way cool once you can fully appreciate it), it helps introverts “calibrate our need for solitude with our need for human interaction.” (p. 70) And, to that end, the author offers some great affirmations (pp. 177-179):
*Staying home is doing something.
*My presence is a gift, not a requirement.
*I like who I like.
*Listening to bores is not my job.
*Managing my energy is a favor to myself and everyone around me.
*Saying no can be a kindness.
*I can love other people and still not be responsible for their good time.
*Just because I’m quiet doesn’t mean I have nothing to say.
*Putting on my dog and pony show is optional.
*A ringing phone is not a mandate.
*I know what I need better than anyone else.
*Other people’s desire for me to participate is not more important than my desire not to participate.
If you’re an introvert, you’ll likely feel understood, inspired, and deeply entertained by this book. The book’s a breeze to read through—the only challenge might be finding a quiet spot in the noisy world where you can soak it all in. (And, of course, there’s no need to answer any phones while doing so.)
The Table of Contents is what sold me on this book. In and off itself, it captures the challenges, quirks, and perks of being an introvert:
• Introverts Unite
• What Would Jung Say?
• The Great American Racket
• Science Says We’re Not Necessarily Shy
• Born to Be Mild
• Quiet Riot
• Just Intense Enough
• The Slow Train of Thought
• The Internal Flame
• What Quiet Says
• The Fertile Void
• I Like to Watch
• Energy In, Energy Out
• “We Didn’t Know You Were an Introvert, We Just Thought You Were a Bitch.”
• Magic Words to Plug Energy Drains
• Introverts Are Not Failed Extroverts
• I Like People…Just Not All People All the Time
• Don’t Call Us, We’ll Call…Well, No, Maybe We Won’t
• We Gotta Fight for Our Right Not to Party
• Loneliness Is a State of Mind
• The Happiness Bias
• Who’s a Narcissist?
• Turning the Extrovert Advantage Upside Down
• The Party Predicament
• The Bathroom and Other Party Survival Skills
• Hell Is a Cocktail Party
• Fact 1: Some People Are Boring, Fact 2: You Are Not Obligated to Listen to Them
• Saying Yes When You Want to Say No (and Vice Versa)
• Extroversion in a Bottle
• There Must Be Fifty Ways to Leave a Party
• Life Through Introvert Eyes
• “It’ll Be Fun!” They Say, But We Beg to Differ
• Fun, Introvert Style
• Friend, “Friends,” Acquaintances, and Why Bother?
• The Online Extrovert
• The Happy Noise of Extroversion
• Because They Love You
• Itty-Bitty Introverts
• Love Us, but Leave Us Alone (Sometimes)
• I F#&$ing Hate It When They Say That
• A Team of One
• Introvert Feats of Derring-Do
• First, Leave the House and Other Tips for Making Friends
• Mind Fullness to Mindfulness
• Mistakes Introverts Make
• Affirmations for Introverts
• Middle Ground
• C’mon People Now, Smile on Your Brother
Not surprisingly, the rest of the book is just as insightful, witty, and engaging. In addition to exploring, explaining, and validating the introvert’s way (which really is way cool once you can fully appreciate it), it helps introverts “calibrate our need for solitude with our need for human interaction.” (p. 70) And, to that end, the author offers some great affirmations (pp. 177-179):
*Staying home is doing something.
*My presence is a gift, not a requirement.
*I like who I like.
*Listening to bores is not my job.
*Managing my energy is a favor to myself and everyone around me.
*Saying no can be a kindness.
*I can love other people and still not be responsible for their good time.
*Just because I’m quiet doesn’t mean I have nothing to say.
*Putting on my dog and pony show is optional.
*A ringing phone is not a mandate.
*I know what I need better than anyone else.
*Other people’s desire for me to participate is not more important than my desire not to participate.
If you’re an introvert, you’ll likely feel understood, inspired, and deeply entertained by this book. The book’s a breeze to read through—the only challenge might be finding a quiet spot in the noisy world where you can soak it all in. (And, of course, there’s no need to answer any phones while doing so.)
July 24, 2015
My sister recommended this book to me. It's short but man, it gets on point. Using psychology, research, and her own insights, the author makes a good point about what introversion is and what it isn't. Most people think there's something "wrong" with you by acting in an introverted manner, but this book makes a good case of saying there is nothing wrong with being an introvert. I really understood the connections the author made between how introverts think, feel, and act. Now, that isn't to say that all introverts act the same, but I think they will find common ground on some things.
I would suggest this for other fellow introverts or for people who want to know what it's like living a quiet life in a noisy world.
I would suggest this for other fellow introverts or for people who want to know what it's like living a quiet life in a noisy world.
November 13, 2023
This book is so bad it makes me wish I was an extrovert.
March 24, 2013
Short, sharp, and funny.
Once in a rare while, you come across a book that you can give to family, friends, spouses, or lovers and say, "If you really want to understand me, read this." Most of the time, expecting them to actually read the thing is an imposition. They had better have a large investment in you.
Here, the book is such quick and funny reading that the imposition is slight. The payoff, though, is large. They will stop feeling offended when you just want to closet yourself and read; stop calling you antisocial for not wanting to go to a big loud party; appreciate more the ruminative insight that you have to offer. You, on your side, will be reminded that you owe them some compromises in return. For a divided extrovert/introvert couple or family, this is better than just about any therapy you could attend.
This is the latest in the recent gush of introvert-extolling books. Chonologically, it was issued after Susan Cain's "Quiet" (reviewed by me elsewhere), but clearly most of it was written and posted earlier on author Dembling's blog. The Cain book is more elaborate and more scholarly, but there are so many similarities that it seems as if Cain just took this work and expanded it.
Introverts are a quiet bunch, no better and no worse than extroverts, just different. But if you extroverts push us too far in demanding that we be like you we will, referring to a famous rant by the introverted "Twilight" actress, "go all Kristen Stewart on your asses."
Once in a rare while, you come across a book that you can give to family, friends, spouses, or lovers and say, "If you really want to understand me, read this." Most of the time, expecting them to actually read the thing is an imposition. They had better have a large investment in you.
Here, the book is such quick and funny reading that the imposition is slight. The payoff, though, is large. They will stop feeling offended when you just want to closet yourself and read; stop calling you antisocial for not wanting to go to a big loud party; appreciate more the ruminative insight that you have to offer. You, on your side, will be reminded that you owe them some compromises in return. For a divided extrovert/introvert couple or family, this is better than just about any therapy you could attend.
This is the latest in the recent gush of introvert-extolling books. Chonologically, it was issued after Susan Cain's "Quiet" (reviewed by me elsewhere), but clearly most of it was written and posted earlier on author Dembling's blog. The Cain book is more elaborate and more scholarly, but there are so many similarities that it seems as if Cain just took this work and expanded it.
Introverts are a quiet bunch, no better and no worse than extroverts, just different. But if you extroverts push us too far in demanding that we be like you we will, referring to a famous rant by the introverted "Twilight" actress, "go all Kristen Stewart on your asses."
January 13, 2021
Am I going to read this book again and take notes? Yes.
Is 95% of my notes going to consist of the word 'same'? Also yes.
Is 95% of my notes going to consist of the word 'same'? Also yes.
April 11, 2023
I feel kinda bad giving this only two stars. It's not like it was written poorly or anything. But it feels like it's about 10 years too late. Upon finishing the book, I looked up the publication date and realized that it was written in 2012! Seems about right. While the author highlighted a number of introvert issues, it felt like dated information. I think if I had read this book when it was published, I would have enjoyed it more. Now, it was just meh for me.
August 6, 2025
this was a reread! I've thought about/referenced this book countless times throughout the past 10 years. i'm forever thankful for my high school psych teacher who gave me this to read over the summer of my junior year (shoutout dr. hall!). reading this for the first time as a 17 year old measuring in at 96% introversion on the myers-briggs test, this was the turning point of appreciating and understanding myself. the way that sophia dembling describes being exhausted by interaction in a way that the only solution is spending awake hours in restorative solitude (and preferably silence) is beautiful and oh so relatable. "i love you, please don't call me."
June 17, 2016
I would not read this instead of Susan Cain's Quiet, but rather in additions to it. Almost any book about introversion is worth the read for me, and this was no exception. At times I was annoyed because the author made sweeping statements about extroversion, which were based on her type of introversion. The book also read more like an advice column than an academic survey of introversion. However, when she did survey some of the academic work associated with introvert related traits, e.g. the Big Five personality test, she did a really nice job of sifting through the test and pointing out what was wrong with it.
The author didn't really convey and understanding of the complexities of being an introvert for parents who have children. So, I would say this book is better for 20 year olds who are breaking free from their family of origin but have not made new families themselves yet. I think her main goal was to present what she has observed while running her blog, something I might check out when I have time. Using many comments from her blog, she gave a voice to many different types of introverts.
The take home message was in line with, "Can't we all just get along?, making it clear that extroversion was just as valid a way of life as introversion and that it's time for both sides to stop slinging insults.
The author didn't really convey and understanding of the complexities of being an introvert for parents who have children. So, I would say this book is better for 20 year olds who are breaking free from their family of origin but have not made new families themselves yet. I think her main goal was to present what she has observed while running her blog, something I might check out when I have time. Using many comments from her blog, she gave a voice to many different types of introverts.
The take home message was in line with, "Can't we all just get along?, making it clear that extroversion was just as valid a way of life as introversion and that it's time for both sides to stop slinging insults.
June 16, 2015
I recently discovered that I was an introvert about a year ago, this realization changed my life. I always been accused as the shy kid or the one that was antisocial cause I did not talk as often as everyone else. Most of my friends are extroverts, thus they assumed that I was arrogant or something that can change if I was outgoing. Only a selected number of them understood what introversion was, the others I keep justifying why I did not feel the need to go to parties to have a good time or talk when there is nothing meaningful to say. Now I stopped trying to explain myself to people, cause I feel that it is just ignorant for to make accusations if you don't have a clue what you are talking about.
This book had a lot of similarities to Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking to, but it was more persuasive than informative. I also thought that it cleared up the misconceptions about an introvert and how we should be able to live amicably with everyone. I can't say I agree with all the points in this book, such as fear of talking on the phone. Actually I don't mind talking on the phone, as long as there is a reason and not just calling cause you are "bored.".
Solid book with great points, but most of it was rehearsed from articles I read.
This book had a lot of similarities to Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking to, but it was more persuasive than informative. I also thought that it cleared up the misconceptions about an introvert and how we should be able to live amicably with everyone. I can't say I agree with all the points in this book, such as fear of talking on the phone. Actually I don't mind talking on the phone, as long as there is a reason and not just calling cause you are "bored.".
Solid book with great points, but most of it was rehearsed from articles I read.
July 25, 2023
A great book for introverts. No you're not shy, you're not lonely, you're not weak. You're not less than extroverts just because you like your own company. That's all right. This book can also help extroverts understand why introverts act the way they do. We often don't like parties. Your fun is not our fun. Your need for company is not the same as mine. Team-building exercises aren't fun. We hate audience participation; look to somebody else.
Chapters are short and include: Science says we're not necessarily shy; Born to be mild; Introverts are not failed extroverts; I like to watch; I like people, just not all people all the time; Turning the extrovert advantage upside down; Hell is a cocktail party; Some people are boring - you are not obligated to listen to them. There's a chapter for extrovert parents of introvert children: they're okay, they're just not like you.
Rereading this after COVID and its enforced stay-at-home was interesting. I had no problem with not socializing.
Highly recommended. I plan to read this again. I might even buy my own copy instead of just reading the library one.
Chapters are short and include: Science says we're not necessarily shy; Born to be mild; Introverts are not failed extroverts; I like to watch; I like people, just not all people all the time; Turning the extrovert advantage upside down; Hell is a cocktail party; Some people are boring - you are not obligated to listen to them. There's a chapter for extrovert parents of introvert children: they're okay, they're just not like you.
Rereading this after COVID and its enforced stay-at-home was interesting. I had no problem with not socializing.
Highly recommended. I plan to read this again. I might even buy my own copy instead of just reading the library one.
September 27, 2018
Pithy is one word that describes this book (on the back cover) and the short chapters and snippets certainly make for a quick read. Some things I agreed with, some things I did not, but I really like how Dembling lined out introvert behavior. I guess I'm an ambivert or lean more towards intro than extro. I say, when my glass gets full, I need to take a break and that means solitude. I often have the feelings that Dembling described (feeling alone in a crowd of people, seeking solace in the bathroom) but not all of them (I really love roller coasters!). But the book isn't written so everyone will agree with her.
I even wrote down the Affirmations for Introverts because I have a lot of self-doubt, especially in large settings. And those doubts are often dismissed as "try to have more fun."
Dembling seems to repeat herself which makes me think a large portion of this book is pulled from her magazine columns and essays. That's fine, it was just a bit weird.
All in all, a quick read to learn more about your or others' introvert selves!
I even wrote down the Affirmations for Introverts because I have a lot of self-doubt, especially in large settings. And those doubts are often dismissed as "try to have more fun."
Dembling seems to repeat herself which makes me think a large portion of this book is pulled from her magazine columns and essays. That's fine, it was just a bit weird.
All in all, a quick read to learn more about your or others' introvert selves!
January 10, 2013
Since the publication of Quiet in 2012, introverts have started speaking up for themselves in numerous ways, including blogs and more books. This book by Dembling has the subtitle of "Living quiet in a noisy world". I very much enjoyed the first one-third or so of the book. As I read further, however, it dawned on me that the book is more than likely a re-working of entries from the author's blog. She focuses on introverts and parties as well as introverts' dislike of talking on the telephone in numerous chapters. More information on a broader array of topics would have been more helpful as opposed to more and more on the same subject matter. I pretty much had switched to "skim mode" by the time the end of the book rolled around. While the book makes some interesting points and will provide some degree of comfort and affirmation to other introverts, it's value is diminished by its repeated focus on a limited number of topics.
August 23, 2016
I liked this more than Quiet, by Susan Cain. Dembling's account seemed more straightforward and kind. It's not about fitting in in a world that is partially full of extroverts, but about being comfortable as you are.
I highly recommend this book to anyone who is friends with another person, whatever their personality.
I highly recommend this book to anyone who is friends with another person, whatever their personality.
February 13, 2013
This book was . . . meh. It had a few good points, several good chapters, but over-all it droned a bit about the same things. I would give it two and a half stars if Goodreads did half stars. Nonetheless, there's no need wasting any more time detailing something I thought was average, at best.
July 29, 2016
Insightful, engaging, enlightening.
I never realised that I was (and still am) an introvert, until a psychology test (conducted by a professional), proved it. Since then, I had a big question mark about introversion, and this book answers a lot of doubts.
I never realised that I was (and still am) an introvert, until a psychology test (conducted by a professional), proved it. Since then, I had a big question mark about introversion, and this book answers a lot of doubts.
September 23, 2018
Excellent book! A quick read (short chapters) but full of good insight on managing our introversion. I feel a bit more confident in my introverted ways, unapologetically so. Thank you Sophia!
July 12, 2022
I related to the author’s experiences in a lot of ways, so I did enjoy that aspect of the book. But to be honest, I thought it was going to take a more scientific approach, but that really wasn’t the case. She referred to some studies and quoted some scientists but overall it revolved around her own experiences. (I did enjoy the occasional quote from other introverts)
She made a lot of sweeping statements like “introverts are quiet.” She kept saying this this over and over and over. It got annoying. And I find that kind of funny because she’s supposedly trying to break down stereotypes about introverts but then creates and repeats new ones throughout the entire book.
And although she says several times that she doesn’t think it’s right to look at extroverts in a negative light, the way that she spoke about extroverts always made them seem inferior. Maybe that was just my perception.
Overall, I did enjoy it for the most part. I’m giving it three stars because it’s nice to feel understood. But I plan on reading Quiet by Susan Cain next, and based on the reviews I think that’s going to be more along the lines of what I was looking for.
She made a lot of sweeping statements like “introverts are quiet.” She kept saying this this over and over and over. It got annoying. And I find that kind of funny because she’s supposedly trying to break down stereotypes about introverts but then creates and repeats new ones throughout the entire book.
And although she says several times that she doesn’t think it’s right to look at extroverts in a negative light, the way that she spoke about extroverts always made them seem inferior. Maybe that was just my perception.
Overall, I did enjoy it for the most part. I’m giving it three stars because it’s nice to feel understood. But I plan on reading Quiet by Susan Cain next, and based on the reviews I think that’s going to be more along the lines of what I was looking for.
April 23, 2019
DNF. I'm not sure how far I got into this book before I decided it wasn't for me, but it wasn't far. While I can relate to a bit of what the author is writing about, it's more specific to her experiences, which is fine, but not what I had expected.
This book feels like it came about due to constant harassment. Has the author had to explain herself and her introverted nature to people (friends and family included) over and over again? I've never experienced that, but for those who have, this book might be for you. It's just not for me.
This book feels like it came about due to constant harassment. Has the author had to explain herself and her introverted nature to people (friends and family included) over and over again? I've never experienced that, but for those who have, this book might be for you. It's just not for me.
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