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Parenting Isn't for Cowards
Argues that today's parents are too self-critical, offers advice on dealing with strong-willed children and adolescents, and explains that it is important to treat grown up children as adults
240 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 1987
52 people are currently reading
617 people want to read
About the author
James C. Dobson
251 books370 followersJames C. Dobson, Ph.D., hosts the daily radio program Dr. James Dobson's Family Talk.
A licensed psychologist and marriage, family, and child counselor, he is a clinical member of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy. For 14 years Dr. Dobson was an associate clinical professor of pediatrics at the University of Southern California School of Medicine, and he served for 17 years on the attending staff of Children's Hospital Los Angeles in the Division of Child Development and Medical Genetics. He earned a Ph.D. from the University of Southern California (1967) in the field of child development.
He is the author of more than 50 books, including The New Dare to Discipline, The New Strong-Willed Child, When God Doesn't Make Sense, Night Light, Bringing Up Boys, and the New York Times bestseller Bringing Up Girls.
Heavily involved in influencing governmental policies related to the family, Dr. Dobson was appointed by President Ronald Reagan to the National Advisory Commission to the Office of Juvenile Justice and Delinquency Prevention. He has also served on the Attorney General's Advisory Board on Missing and Exploited Children, the Department of Health and Human Services' Panel on Teen Pregnancy Prevention, and the Commission on Child and Family Welfare. He was elected in 2008 to the National Radio Hall of Fame, and in 2009 received the Ronald Reagan Lifetime Achievement Award.
Dr. Dobson is married to Shirley and is the father of two grown children, Danae and Ryan, and the grandfather of Lincoln and Luci Rose. He resides in Colorado.
Connect with Dr. Dobson on:
DrJamesDobson.org
Twitter
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A licensed psychologist and marriage, family, and child counselor, he is a clinical member of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy. For 14 years Dr. Dobson was an associate clinical professor of pediatrics at the University of Southern California School of Medicine, and he served for 17 years on the attending staff of Children's Hospital Los Angeles in the Division of Child Development and Medical Genetics. He earned a Ph.D. from the University of Southern California (1967) in the field of child development.
He is the author of more than 50 books, including The New Dare to Discipline, The New Strong-Willed Child, When God Doesn't Make Sense, Night Light, Bringing Up Boys, and the New York Times bestseller Bringing Up Girls.
Heavily involved in influencing governmental policies related to the family, Dr. Dobson was appointed by President Ronald Reagan to the National Advisory Commission to the Office of Juvenile Justice and Delinquency Prevention. He has also served on the Attorney General's Advisory Board on Missing and Exploited Children, the Department of Health and Human Services' Panel on Teen Pregnancy Prevention, and the Commission on Child and Family Welfare. He was elected in 2008 to the National Radio Hall of Fame, and in 2009 received the Ronald Reagan Lifetime Achievement Award.
Dr. Dobson is married to Shirley and is the father of two grown children, Danae and Ryan, and the grandfather of Lincoln and Luci Rose. He resides in Colorado.
Connect with Dr. Dobson on:
DrJamesDobson.org
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 57 reviews
July 15, 2009
I read this book because I've recently become a stepmom and I have no children of my own. It discusses the "strong-willed" and the "compliant" child and some of the statistics and behavioral traits about each. It didn't so much provide help in practice, but Dobson discussed societies new tendency to blame the actions of a child on good/bad parenting and encourages parents not to buy into that. I also liked that he said sometimes you don't necessarily like your child's personality and that it's normal to feel that way because children are people and just because they came from you doesn't mean they're born with a compatible personality to yours. He uses a few illustrations to encourage parents (especially moms) to be firm. The parent has to establish that they are in charge and sometimes that means punishing them far more than you're comfortable with (if they're especially strong-willed and defiant that is). He makes the point that it's easy to take the compliant child's willingness to obey for granted and it's important to consciously let them make some of their own decisions, like picking out their own clothes. It gave me a lot to think about and helped me to see some of my step-childrens' actions in a different light.
July 27, 2011
After 13 years, it seemed like a good time for a reread. What a deceptive load of rubbish! This is nothing but symptoms and placebos, with only a hint at the true disease. Strong-willed and compliant personalities, yes, we can see that much. (Spare me John and Mary's examples, if you please.) Power struggles, yes they exist. (Especially in the religious realm, why do we not admit that?)
Behavior is related to respect. When we can love one another as He has loved us, we can begin to establish a healthier and more realistic understanding of who He created us to be.
Parenthood is the biggest example of discipleship that exists. Transformation starts within. Don't think you can shape your child if you won't let the LORD shape you.
Behavior is related to respect. When we can love one another as He has loved us, we can begin to establish a healthier and more realistic understanding of who He created us to be.
Parenthood is the biggest example of discipleship that exists. Transformation starts within. Don't think you can shape your child if you won't let the LORD shape you.
July 26, 2016
This book is more encouragement than a how-to guide. It does contain practical advice, but not nearly as much as I anticipated. It starts with results from a survey of 35,000 parents, then walks through several aspects of parenting, specifically aimed at parents of strong-willed children. It’s written by a Christian psychologist.
I skipped the chapter on parenting adolescents, because my oldest is two.
The parenting approach can be summarized by this paraphrase from later in the book: Hold tightly to the reigns of authority in the early days, and build an attitude of respect during this brief window of opportunity. Once you’ve established your right to lead, loosen the reigns year by year.
Rebellion
In the survey, approximately 40% of strong-willed children rebelled as toddlers, and the percentage rose in every age category through adolescence, peaking at 74% in the teen years. In young adulthood there was a rapid decline from 74% to 36%.
Rebellious behavior usually represents more than a desire to do what is forbidden. It's an expression of independence and self-assertion, and a rejection of adult authority.
Corporal punishment
Spankings should be reserved for the moment a child (age 10 or less) expresses a defiant "I will not!" or “You shut up!"
Corporal punishment is reserved for moments of willful, deliberate defiance by a child who is old enough to understand what he's doing. These challenges to authority begin around 15 months and should be met with loving firmness. A thump on the fingers or a single slap on the upper legs will be enough to say, “You must listen when I tell you no.”
Parenting advice
One way to entice children (ages 4 to 8) to go to bed is by using fantasy. For example, Dobson told his kids about “Mrs. White’s Party” which had all the things the kids were interested in, and the only way to go there was by sleeping.
Instead of begging, bribing, or threatening, put good food in front of child cheerfully. If he chooses not to eat, smile and send him on his way. When he returns, serve the same food again. Eventually he’ll be hungry enough to eat. Don’t allow snacking.
Don’t spend your parenting years fatigued and stressed by crowding your days with unnecessary responsibilities and commitments that provide no lasting benefits. Postpone or decline such commitments.
Parents aren’t fully responsible for the sin of their grown children. Adam and Eve weren’t responsible for Cain’s murder. Jacob and Rachel weren’t responsible for the sins of Joseph’s brothers. Samuel wasn’t charged for the sin of his rebellious children. The father of the Prodigal Son wasn’t accused of raising his son improperly. However, God does require parents to discipline and train their children; see the incident of Eli in 1 Samuel 2:23-36.
Before entering a public area, give your child a stern warning that your rules still apply. If he misbehaves, take him to the car or around the corner and apply the punishment you would at home.
Adolescence (survey results)
More than three times as many very strong-willed teenagers got Ds and Fs during the last two years of high school as did compliant teens.
58% of strong-willed teens were greatly influenced by their peers, compared to 24% of compliant teens (as judged by their parents).
Of the very strong-willed teenagers, 43% disliked themselves (35%) or hated themselves (8%)
53% of even the most strong-willed eventually return their parents’ values. Combined with those “somewhat” accepting of parental perspectives, 85% of kids eventually lean towards their parents’ point of view at end of adolescence.
Girls were just as rebellious as boys during adolescence.
I skipped the chapter on parenting adolescents, because my oldest is two.
The parenting approach can be summarized by this paraphrase from later in the book: Hold tightly to the reigns of authority in the early days, and build an attitude of respect during this brief window of opportunity. Once you’ve established your right to lead, loosen the reigns year by year.
Rebellion
In the survey, approximately 40% of strong-willed children rebelled as toddlers, and the percentage rose in every age category through adolescence, peaking at 74% in the teen years. In young adulthood there was a rapid decline from 74% to 36%.
Rebellious behavior usually represents more than a desire to do what is forbidden. It's an expression of independence and self-assertion, and a rejection of adult authority.
Corporal punishment
Spankings should be reserved for the moment a child (age 10 or less) expresses a defiant "I will not!" or “You shut up!"
Corporal punishment is reserved for moments of willful, deliberate defiance by a child who is old enough to understand what he's doing. These challenges to authority begin around 15 months and should be met with loving firmness. A thump on the fingers or a single slap on the upper legs will be enough to say, “You must listen when I tell you no.”
Parenting advice
One way to entice children (ages 4 to 8) to go to bed is by using fantasy. For example, Dobson told his kids about “Mrs. White’s Party” which had all the things the kids were interested in, and the only way to go there was by sleeping.
Instead of begging, bribing, or threatening, put good food in front of child cheerfully. If he chooses not to eat, smile and send him on his way. When he returns, serve the same food again. Eventually he’ll be hungry enough to eat. Don’t allow snacking.
Don’t spend your parenting years fatigued and stressed by crowding your days with unnecessary responsibilities and commitments that provide no lasting benefits. Postpone or decline such commitments.
Parents aren’t fully responsible for the sin of their grown children. Adam and Eve weren’t responsible for Cain’s murder. Jacob and Rachel weren’t responsible for the sins of Joseph’s brothers. Samuel wasn’t charged for the sin of his rebellious children. The father of the Prodigal Son wasn’t accused of raising his son improperly. However, God does require parents to discipline and train their children; see the incident of Eli in 1 Samuel 2:23-36.
Before entering a public area, give your child a stern warning that your rules still apply. If he misbehaves, take him to the car or around the corner and apply the punishment you would at home.
Adolescence (survey results)
More than three times as many very strong-willed teenagers got Ds and Fs during the last two years of high school as did compliant teens.
58% of strong-willed teens were greatly influenced by their peers, compared to 24% of compliant teens (as judged by their parents).
Of the very strong-willed teenagers, 43% disliked themselves (35%) or hated themselves (8%)
53% of even the most strong-willed eventually return their parents’ values. Combined with those “somewhat” accepting of parental perspectives, 85% of kids eventually lean towards their parents’ point of view at end of adolescence.
Girls were just as rebellious as boys during adolescence.
September 1, 2021
An older book by a Christian Psychologist. It errs much more on the inherent sin approach than more modern-day neurodevelopmental approaches do. That being said, I think there were some positive affirmations and tidbits throughout the book.
-be careful of overwhelm as a parent-don't try to do too much at once (go to school, work, have kids, refinish the house, etc.) seek balance
-recognize that not all kids will become engaged, active, competent adults and this might not be the parent's fault. somethings parents do everything they can and it just doesn't work.
-boundaries and "tough love" can be important; consider the behavior you are allowing (at any age and the implications of it as a power struggle-always step out of the power struggle)
-tough love actually is an organization with parent support groups
-always strive for a balance of love and respect
-bathe our children in prayer, every day of their lives
-"Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it." prov. 22:6-a good reminder this is not an absolute promise but a general statement (as with all proverbs-they are commenting on the general nature of things, not necessarily the formula for this/ands)
-interesting insight that before the fall everything was perfect for Adam and Eve, and they still rebelled-God certainly didn't fail in training them up-they sought their own power
The book ends with this encouraging and heartfelt poem:
SEASON OF THE EMPTY NEST
by Joan Mills
Remember when the children built blanket tents to sleep in? And then scrambled by moonlight to their own beds, where they’d be safe from bears? And how proud and eager they were to be starting kindergarten? But only up to the minute they got there? And the time they packed cardboard suitcases in such a huff? “You won’t see us again!” they hollered. Then they turned back at the end of the yard because they’d forgotten to go to the bathroom.
It’s the same thing when they’re twenty or twenty-two, starting to make their own way in the grown-up world. Bravado, pangs, false starts, and pratfalls. They’re half in, half out. “Good-bye, good-bye! Don’t worry, Mom!” They’re back the first weekend to borrow the paint roller and a fuse and a broom. Prowling the attic, they seize the quilt the dog ate and the terrible old sofa cushions that smell like dead mice. “Just what I need!” they cheer, loading the car.
“Good-bye, good-bye!” implying forever. But they show up without notice at suppertimes, sighing soulfully to see the familiar laden plates. They go away again, further secured by four bags of groceries, the electric frying pan, and a cookbook.
They call home collect, but not as often as parents need to hear. And their news makes fast-graying hair stand on end:
“…so he forgot to set the brake, and he says my car rolled three blocks backward down the hill before it was totaled!”
“…simple case of last hired, first fired, no big deal. I sold the stereo, and…”
“Mom! Everybody in the city has them! There’s this roach stuff you put under the sink. It’s…”
I gripped the phone with both hands in those days, wishing I could bribe my children back with everything they’d ever wanted—drum lessons, a junk-food charge account, anything. I struggled with an unbecoming urge to tell them once more about hot breakfasts and crossing streets and dry socks on wet days.
“I’m so impressed by how you cope!” I said instead.
The children scatter, and parents draw together, remembering sweet-shaped infants heavy in their arms, patched jeans, chicken pox, the night the accident happened, the rituals of Christmases and proms. With wistful pride and a feeling for the comic, they watch over their progeny from an effortfully kept distance. It is the season of the empty nest.
Slowly, slowly, there are changes. Something wonderful seems to hover then, faintly heard, glimpsed in illumined moments. Visiting the children, the parents are almost sure of it.
A son spreads a towel on the table and efficiently irons a perfect crease into his best pants. (Ironing board, his mother thinks, adding to a mental shopping list.) “I’m taking you to a French restaurant for dinner,” the young man announces. “I’ve made reservations.”
“Am I properly dressed?” his mother asks, suddenly shy. He walks her through city streets within the aura of his assurance. His arm lies lightly around her shoulders.
Or a daughter offers her honored guest the only two chairs she has and settles into a harem heap of floor pillows. She has raised plants from cuttings, framed a wall full of prints herself, and spent three weekends refinishing the little dresser that glows in a square of sun.
Her parents regard her with astonished love. The room has been enchanted by her touch. “Everything’s charming,” they tell her honestly. “It’s a real home.”
Now? Is it now? Yes. The something wonderful descends. The generations smile at one another, as if exchanging congratulations. The children are no longer children. The parents are awed to discover adults.
It is wonderful, in ways my imagination had not begun to dream of. How could I have guessed—how could they?—that of my three, the shy one would pluck a dazzling array of competencies out of the air and turn up, chatting with total poise, on TV shows? That the one who turned his adolescence into World War III would find his role in arduous, sensitive human service? Or that the unbookish, antic one, torment of his teachers, would evolve into a scholar, tolerating a student’s poverty and writing into the night?
I hadn’t suspected that my own young adults would be so ebulliently funny one minute, and so tellingly introspective the next: so openhearted and unguarded. Or that growing up would inspire them to buy life insurance and three-piece suits and lend money to the siblings they’d once robbed of lollipops. Or that walking into their houses, I’d hear Mozart on the tape player and find books laid out for me to borrow.
Once, long ago, I waited nine months at a time to see who they would be, babes newly formed and wondrous. “Oh, look!” I said, and I fell in love. Now my children are wondrously new to me in a different way. I am in love again.
My daughter and I freely share the complex world of our inner selves, and all the other worlds we know. Touched, I notice how her rhythms and gestures are reminding of her grandmother’s or mine. We are linked by unconscious mysteries and benignly watched by ghosts. I turn my head to gaze at her. She meets my look and smiles.
A son flies the width of the country for his one vacation in a whole long year. He follows me around the kitchen, tasting from the pots, handing down the dishes.
We brown in the sun. Read books in silent synchrony.
He jogs. I tend the flowers. We walk at the unfurled edge of great waves. We talk and talk, and later play cribbage past midnight. I’m utterly happy.
“But it’s your vacation!” I remind him. “What shall we do that’s special?”
“This,” he says. “Exactly this.”
When my children first ventured out and away, I felt they were in flight to outer space, following a curve of light and time to such unknowns that my heart would surely go faint with trying to follow. I thought this would be the end of parenting. Not what it is—the best part; the final, firmest bonding; the goal and the reward.
-be careful of overwhelm as a parent-don't try to do too much at once (go to school, work, have kids, refinish the house, etc.) seek balance
-recognize that not all kids will become engaged, active, competent adults and this might not be the parent's fault. somethings parents do everything they can and it just doesn't work.
-boundaries and "tough love" can be important; consider the behavior you are allowing (at any age and the implications of it as a power struggle-always step out of the power struggle)
-tough love actually is an organization with parent support groups
-always strive for a balance of love and respect
-bathe our children in prayer, every day of their lives
-"Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it." prov. 22:6-a good reminder this is not an absolute promise but a general statement (as with all proverbs-they are commenting on the general nature of things, not necessarily the formula for this/ands)
-interesting insight that before the fall everything was perfect for Adam and Eve, and they still rebelled-God certainly didn't fail in training them up-they sought their own power
The book ends with this encouraging and heartfelt poem:
SEASON OF THE EMPTY NEST
by Joan Mills
Remember when the children built blanket tents to sleep in? And then scrambled by moonlight to their own beds, where they’d be safe from bears? And how proud and eager they were to be starting kindergarten? But only up to the minute they got there? And the time they packed cardboard suitcases in such a huff? “You won’t see us again!” they hollered. Then they turned back at the end of the yard because they’d forgotten to go to the bathroom.
It’s the same thing when they’re twenty or twenty-two, starting to make their own way in the grown-up world. Bravado, pangs, false starts, and pratfalls. They’re half in, half out. “Good-bye, good-bye! Don’t worry, Mom!” They’re back the first weekend to borrow the paint roller and a fuse and a broom. Prowling the attic, they seize the quilt the dog ate and the terrible old sofa cushions that smell like dead mice. “Just what I need!” they cheer, loading the car.
“Good-bye, good-bye!” implying forever. But they show up without notice at suppertimes, sighing soulfully to see the familiar laden plates. They go away again, further secured by four bags of groceries, the electric frying pan, and a cookbook.
They call home collect, but not as often as parents need to hear. And their news makes fast-graying hair stand on end:
“…so he forgot to set the brake, and he says my car rolled three blocks backward down the hill before it was totaled!”
“…simple case of last hired, first fired, no big deal. I sold the stereo, and…”
“Mom! Everybody in the city has them! There’s this roach stuff you put under the sink. It’s…”
I gripped the phone with both hands in those days, wishing I could bribe my children back with everything they’d ever wanted—drum lessons, a junk-food charge account, anything. I struggled with an unbecoming urge to tell them once more about hot breakfasts and crossing streets and dry socks on wet days.
“I’m so impressed by how you cope!” I said instead.
The children scatter, and parents draw together, remembering sweet-shaped infants heavy in their arms, patched jeans, chicken pox, the night the accident happened, the rituals of Christmases and proms. With wistful pride and a feeling for the comic, they watch over their progeny from an effortfully kept distance. It is the season of the empty nest.
Slowly, slowly, there are changes. Something wonderful seems to hover then, faintly heard, glimpsed in illumined moments. Visiting the children, the parents are almost sure of it.
A son spreads a towel on the table and efficiently irons a perfect crease into his best pants. (Ironing board, his mother thinks, adding to a mental shopping list.) “I’m taking you to a French restaurant for dinner,” the young man announces. “I’ve made reservations.”
“Am I properly dressed?” his mother asks, suddenly shy. He walks her through city streets within the aura of his assurance. His arm lies lightly around her shoulders.
Or a daughter offers her honored guest the only two chairs she has and settles into a harem heap of floor pillows. She has raised plants from cuttings, framed a wall full of prints herself, and spent three weekends refinishing the little dresser that glows in a square of sun.
Her parents regard her with astonished love. The room has been enchanted by her touch. “Everything’s charming,” they tell her honestly. “It’s a real home.”
Now? Is it now? Yes. The something wonderful descends. The generations smile at one another, as if exchanging congratulations. The children are no longer children. The parents are awed to discover adults.
It is wonderful, in ways my imagination had not begun to dream of. How could I have guessed—how could they?—that of my three, the shy one would pluck a dazzling array of competencies out of the air and turn up, chatting with total poise, on TV shows? That the one who turned his adolescence into World War III would find his role in arduous, sensitive human service? Or that the unbookish, antic one, torment of his teachers, would evolve into a scholar, tolerating a student’s poverty and writing into the night?
I hadn’t suspected that my own young adults would be so ebulliently funny one minute, and so tellingly introspective the next: so openhearted and unguarded. Or that growing up would inspire them to buy life insurance and three-piece suits and lend money to the siblings they’d once robbed of lollipops. Or that walking into their houses, I’d hear Mozart on the tape player and find books laid out for me to borrow.
Once, long ago, I waited nine months at a time to see who they would be, babes newly formed and wondrous. “Oh, look!” I said, and I fell in love. Now my children are wondrously new to me in a different way. I am in love again.
My daughter and I freely share the complex world of our inner selves, and all the other worlds we know. Touched, I notice how her rhythms and gestures are reminding of her grandmother’s or mine. We are linked by unconscious mysteries and benignly watched by ghosts. I turn my head to gaze at her. She meets my look and smiles.
A son flies the width of the country for his one vacation in a whole long year. He follows me around the kitchen, tasting from the pots, handing down the dishes.
We brown in the sun. Read books in silent synchrony.
He jogs. I tend the flowers. We walk at the unfurled edge of great waves. We talk and talk, and later play cribbage past midnight. I’m utterly happy.
“But it’s your vacation!” I remind him. “What shall we do that’s special?”
“This,” he says. “Exactly this.”
When my children first ventured out and away, I felt they were in flight to outer space, following a curve of light and time to such unknowns that my heart would surely go faint with trying to follow. I thought this would be the end of parenting. Not what it is—the best part; the final, firmest bonding; the goal and the reward.
December 26, 2020
The book, Parenting Isn’t for Cowards, is penned by America’s expert on the family, Dr. James C. Dobson. Written from a biblical worldview, this volume can be especially beneficial for new parents. As the title reflects, Dr. Dobson (2011) gives a convincing hypothesis that the role of parenting is not just fun and games—not by a long shot (p. 457). He insists, in fact, that it takes large volumes of parental courage, with additional measures of audacity and resourcefulness, to successfully take on the challenge of childrearing today (pp. 457-460). With a sense of comedic sparkle, Dobson (2011) further addresses new parents, saying, “Babies come into the world with no instructions and you pretty much have to assemble them on your own” (p. 457).
Even though moms and dads start out wanting to do everything right in the home, they soon come to realize that their children can be “maddeningly complex” (Dobson, 2011, p. 459). According to the author, another component that makes parenting difficult nowadays is the deteriorating culture in America (Dobson, 2011, pp. 460-464). Dobson (2011) shares his personal concern over the societal freefall and its influence on the American family; and, due to this, he emphasizes that “dangerous enticements” await unsuspecting sons and daughters, such as like no other time in history (pp. 461-467). Thus, parents must remain ever vigilant and on guard as it relates to their young ones.
As Swindoll (2009), a close friend and associate of Dobson, states, “When it comes to rearing children … there is a primary starting point: knowing your child” (para. 1). In keeping with the idea of parents better understanding their child, Dobson describes five basic categories of personality traits of youngsters in chapters three and four: compliant; rather compliant; average; rather strong-willed; and very strong-willed (Dobson, 2011, pp. 468-489). Dobson (2011) also describes his involvement in a national survey in which 35,000 families participated; and, from this, statistical data was analyzed by specialists at University of Southern California (pp. 467-470). Survey conclusions are given in chapters five and six, alongside sound counsel from a Judeo-Christian perspective—specifically targeted toward parents of young ones and adolescents who are hurting (Dobson, 2011, pp. 465-504). Further counsel is shared on pertinent subjects like parental guilt, times of heartbreak, and the importance of applying healthy discipline and reasonable boundaries in the home setting (Dobson, 2011, pp. 465-504).
Using his gift for homespun storytelling and sharing interesting anecdotes, Dobson (2011) warns tired parents of the perplexing world of childhood power games, negative behavior patterns, ornery scheming strategies, and mini-battles that commonly arise from youngsters during the child-care process; and, with this, he sounds the alarm: “Manipulation! It’s a game any number [of children] can play, right in the privacy of your own home” (p. 527).
By chapter eight and nine, Dobson (2011) examines the notion of exhausted parents who are suffering from a loss of identity, or who may be living beneath the dark cloud of burnout; he tenderly encourages weary fathers and mothers using the power of the Holy Scriptures (pp. 537-559): “Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, [and] in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you” (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18, New International Version). He also offers down-to-earth advice, including living by a simpler calendar; getting plenty of rest; eating well-balanced meals. As the pages turn, Dobson (2011) focuses on the complications that occur during the years of late-adolescence through the teenage years.
He further highlights in the final chapters the importance of seeking after balance and peace within the Christian home; and, along with this, important parental concepts are surveyed: going with the flow; grabbing the reins early; keeping a sense of humor; the act of pulling away; the desperate need for fathers; the attachment bond between fathers and daughters; and chronic disenchantment, described as the final phase (pp. 537-576). Common questions are offered from listeners of Dr. Dobson’s Family Matters, with answers given by the author (2011) from his decades’ worth of experience as a child psychologist (pp. 579-598). The book closes on a somber note with chapter eleven, “Releasing the Grown Child,” in which Dobson (2011) offers words of wisdom concerning “the final task” assigned to every mother and father: “transferring the reins of authority—the rudiments of power—to your children” (p. 607).
Although I first read Parenting Isn’t for Cowards several years ago, it's been so refreshing for me to reread and study the content of this classic on childrearing. Although I feel the book is thorough as it is, I do think it might be effective to include additional stratagems for combating the negative influences of today’s deteriorating culture in America. For instance, conscientious parents in our society often struggle with how to apply boundaries for usage of home computers and other electronics; and they need advice on controlling social media involvement, as well. Additionally, due to the growing trend whereby many little ones are being raised by their grandparents, it could be beneficial to add a chapter or two to the volume, or maybe introduce a new companion booklet, Grand-parenting Isn’t for Weaklings, Either.
I have no quarrels with the research material, the examples, nor the sound instruction and advice presented within the pages of this excellent book. What especially excites me about Parenting Isn’t for Cowards is that Dr. Dobson—in addition to giving practical parental advice—maintains a strong and uncompromising faith-based perspective on every page, where he uses this literary platform to encourage parents and help them build healthy, peaceful, and smoothly-functioning Christian homes.
I am pleased to recommend Parenting Isn’t for Cowards to young families, child psychologists, and counselors, Sunday School superintendents, and grandparents. As a matter of fact, I would further recommend the entire James C. Dobson collection for parents and their family libraries throughout America, as each one provides solid practical advice and Godly wisdom ... and is always an enjoyable and inspiring read. — F. Keith Davis
Reference
Dobson, J. C. (2011). The Dr. James Dobson parenting collection. Carol Stream, IL: Tyndale Momentum.
Swindoll, C. (2009, June 15). Knowing your child. Retrieved August 25, 2017, from https://www.insight.org/resources/art...
Even though moms and dads start out wanting to do everything right in the home, they soon come to realize that their children can be “maddeningly complex” (Dobson, 2011, p. 459). According to the author, another component that makes parenting difficult nowadays is the deteriorating culture in America (Dobson, 2011, pp. 460-464). Dobson (2011) shares his personal concern over the societal freefall and its influence on the American family; and, due to this, he emphasizes that “dangerous enticements” await unsuspecting sons and daughters, such as like no other time in history (pp. 461-467). Thus, parents must remain ever vigilant and on guard as it relates to their young ones.
As Swindoll (2009), a close friend and associate of Dobson, states, “When it comes to rearing children … there is a primary starting point: knowing your child” (para. 1). In keeping with the idea of parents better understanding their child, Dobson describes five basic categories of personality traits of youngsters in chapters three and four: compliant; rather compliant; average; rather strong-willed; and very strong-willed (Dobson, 2011, pp. 468-489). Dobson (2011) also describes his involvement in a national survey in which 35,000 families participated; and, from this, statistical data was analyzed by specialists at University of Southern California (pp. 467-470). Survey conclusions are given in chapters five and six, alongside sound counsel from a Judeo-Christian perspective—specifically targeted toward parents of young ones and adolescents who are hurting (Dobson, 2011, pp. 465-504). Further counsel is shared on pertinent subjects like parental guilt, times of heartbreak, and the importance of applying healthy discipline and reasonable boundaries in the home setting (Dobson, 2011, pp. 465-504).
Using his gift for homespun storytelling and sharing interesting anecdotes, Dobson (2011) warns tired parents of the perplexing world of childhood power games, negative behavior patterns, ornery scheming strategies, and mini-battles that commonly arise from youngsters during the child-care process; and, with this, he sounds the alarm: “Manipulation! It’s a game any number [of children] can play, right in the privacy of your own home” (p. 527).
By chapter eight and nine, Dobson (2011) examines the notion of exhausted parents who are suffering from a loss of identity, or who may be living beneath the dark cloud of burnout; he tenderly encourages weary fathers and mothers using the power of the Holy Scriptures (pp. 537-559): “Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, [and] in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you” (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18, New International Version). He also offers down-to-earth advice, including living by a simpler calendar; getting plenty of rest; eating well-balanced meals. As the pages turn, Dobson (2011) focuses on the complications that occur during the years of late-adolescence through the teenage years.
He further highlights in the final chapters the importance of seeking after balance and peace within the Christian home; and, along with this, important parental concepts are surveyed: going with the flow; grabbing the reins early; keeping a sense of humor; the act of pulling away; the desperate need for fathers; the attachment bond between fathers and daughters; and chronic disenchantment, described as the final phase (pp. 537-576). Common questions are offered from listeners of Dr. Dobson’s Family Matters, with answers given by the author (2011) from his decades’ worth of experience as a child psychologist (pp. 579-598). The book closes on a somber note with chapter eleven, “Releasing the Grown Child,” in which Dobson (2011) offers words of wisdom concerning “the final task” assigned to every mother and father: “transferring the reins of authority—the rudiments of power—to your children” (p. 607).
Although I first read Parenting Isn’t for Cowards several years ago, it's been so refreshing for me to reread and study the content of this classic on childrearing. Although I feel the book is thorough as it is, I do think it might be effective to include additional stratagems for combating the negative influences of today’s deteriorating culture in America. For instance, conscientious parents in our society often struggle with how to apply boundaries for usage of home computers and other electronics; and they need advice on controlling social media involvement, as well. Additionally, due to the growing trend whereby many little ones are being raised by their grandparents, it could be beneficial to add a chapter or two to the volume, or maybe introduce a new companion booklet, Grand-parenting Isn’t for Weaklings, Either.
I have no quarrels with the research material, the examples, nor the sound instruction and advice presented within the pages of this excellent book. What especially excites me about Parenting Isn’t for Cowards is that Dr. Dobson—in addition to giving practical parental advice—maintains a strong and uncompromising faith-based perspective on every page, where he uses this literary platform to encourage parents and help them build healthy, peaceful, and smoothly-functioning Christian homes.
I am pleased to recommend Parenting Isn’t for Cowards to young families, child psychologists, and counselors, Sunday School superintendents, and grandparents. As a matter of fact, I would further recommend the entire James C. Dobson collection for parents and their family libraries throughout America, as each one provides solid practical advice and Godly wisdom ... and is always an enjoyable and inspiring read. — F. Keith Davis
Reference
Dobson, J. C. (2011). The Dr. James Dobson parenting collection. Carol Stream, IL: Tyndale Momentum.
Swindoll, C. (2009, June 15). Knowing your child. Retrieved August 25, 2017, from https://www.insight.org/resources/art...
February 17, 2012
The title of this book is incredibly misleading. The whole thing is based on a study of parents who have either "very strong-willed" children or "very compliant" children. So it really isn't written for anyone whose children fall into anything other than those two categories. But it also advocates that children are "very strong-willed" or "very compliant" based mostly on their own inborn temperament and not much at all on how they are parented. Seriously? These things emerge during toddlerhood, he says. But if they were inborn, wouldn't they be obvious from birth? Not from the time when ALL children begin testing limits, and are met with varying responses by parents?
I know that Dobson would categorize me as someone who simply can't understand, because I haven't had an incredibly strong-willed child, or what he would call one because my kids aren't out of control, but I would still say that all children are strong-willed. How you parent them and how they choose to respond guides whether they continue to behave that way insofar as rejecting authority. I couldn't finish reading this book because it was so irksome to me to see Dobson treat situations as though the parents had no influence at all on whether a child would obey them. I was shocked by his interpretations of what makes a child strong-willed, and how he doesn't credit more obedient children at ALL to the way their parents raise them. Dobson is an incredibly well-known parenting expert, but I was really surprised by how much I disliked this book.
I know that Dobson would categorize me as someone who simply can't understand, because I haven't had an incredibly strong-willed child, or what he would call one because my kids aren't out of control, but I would still say that all children are strong-willed. How you parent them and how they choose to respond guides whether they continue to behave that way insofar as rejecting authority. I couldn't finish reading this book because it was so irksome to me to see Dobson treat situations as though the parents had no influence at all on whether a child would obey them. I was shocked by his interpretations of what makes a child strong-willed, and how he doesn't credit more obedient children at ALL to the way their parents raise them. Dobson is an incredibly well-known parenting expert, but I was really surprised by how much I disliked this book.
January 14, 2015
For the most part I like and agree with what James Dobson has to say about parenting but his writing style is irritating to me so I had to work hard while reading this to focus on the parts that could really speak to me. The chapter on Too Pooped to Parent was definitely an eye-opener for me since I felt like he was describing a lot of what I am experiencing right now and it is helpful to know that I'm not the only one who feels or has felt that way. Also, it really encouraged me to shift my focus onto cutting out all of the extra, needless things in my life that are draining me so that I can get the rest I need (mentally and physically) to prepare for the upcoming years of adolescence and the adventures and/or turmoil they might bring. The book focused heavily on the strong-willed child of which my oldest child has some characteristics but I wouldn't classify either of my first two children as strong-willed so for that reason the book did not have as strong an impact on me and my parenting as it might otherwise have had. My third might be the strong-willed one but that remains to be seen so I might be rereading this book in another couple of years for a refresher course.
March 28, 2009
I marked this book as read because I'm currently on disc 6 track 8 out of 7 discs, so I figure I'm close enough. I've renewed this book three times with the intentions of finishing it, but since it doesn't look like that is going to happen, I'll just give my review.
This book basically explores the differences between the compliant child (the one who wants to please others) and the non-compliant child (the one who is strong willed and will do what they want in life). It also talks to parents about not being to hard on themselves when it comes to parenting. You are going to have bad days, months, years with children and just cause you may have problems with one, doesn't mean you'll have problems with all and that in most cases you are a good parent, it is just a clash of personalities.
It seemed like kind of common sense stuff to me, but good to hear I guess.
This book basically explores the differences between the compliant child (the one who wants to please others) and the non-compliant child (the one who is strong willed and will do what they want in life). It also talks to parents about not being to hard on themselves when it comes to parenting. You are going to have bad days, months, years with children and just cause you may have problems with one, doesn't mean you'll have problems with all and that in most cases you are a good parent, it is just a clash of personalities.
It seemed like kind of common sense stuff to me, but good to hear I guess.
January 10, 2015
Although this book is nearly 30 years old, the advice within is still surprisingly current. I found it a fantastic book as it gave me some sanity in knowing that I'm not alone in this crazy world of parenting. There are actually others in the same boat as me! Praise God!
I'm a little confused about some if the earlier reviews I read here. It seems that many people don't actually like the advice that Dr James Dobson gives here. I find his writing very useful and uplifting. And some of the stories he included within this book left me laughing AND crying.
Maybe some of these super parents (of which I am not - I have no super powers or super behaved kids,) think this advice is too old fashioned? I guess I will never know. All I can say is this book really helped me to see the gold - even through the times I can only see mud.
I'm a little confused about some if the earlier reviews I read here. It seems that many people don't actually like the advice that Dr James Dobson gives here. I find his writing very useful and uplifting. And some of the stories he included within this book left me laughing AND crying.
Maybe some of these super parents (of which I am not - I have no super powers or super behaved kids,) think this advice is too old fashioned? I guess I will never know. All I can say is this book really helped me to see the gold - even through the times I can only see mud.
May 6, 2016
It was very nice to hear other parents concerns over their children. All too often you only hear the good stuff and how easy it is to raise little Johnny and how perfectly Susie acts. It is never the real story and parents for some reason do not voice their concerns about whether or not they are doing a good job raising their children. This book discusses the bad behavior and the possibilities of ignoring it and how to deal with it. It one of the few sources out there that talks about spankings. Most people shy away from even mentioning that they spank their children. The book is full of religious ties that aren't overly preachy. It was needed on a day when I was not feeling that I had been the best Mommy I could be which in turn caused my child to not be the best she could be.
October 31, 2016
Wow, great book filled with such solid advice. This book is packed with more takeaways than I can even remember. James Dobson is truly a legend and a great writer. Top points that stood out to me were:
- There are varying degrees of kids from compliant to strong willed. Each one has massively different outcomes for the parents.
- There are good kids that come from bad parents and bad kids that come from good parents. Parents definitely play a role in the child's life but they are not the sole factor and humans are immensely complex.
- The parent should take charge from the very beginning and use different techniques to fit the child. Strong willed children require a more structured approach.
Would highly recommend this book.
- There are varying degrees of kids from compliant to strong willed. Each one has massively different outcomes for the parents.
- There are good kids that come from bad parents and bad kids that come from good parents. Parents definitely play a role in the child's life but they are not the sole factor and humans are immensely complex.
- The parent should take charge from the very beginning and use different techniques to fit the child. Strong willed children require a more structured approach.
Would highly recommend this book.
June 8, 2015
SMH...nope parenting isn't for cowards! Many parents should take a page out of history when sassy disrespectful kids that don't listen got a good ol fashion bun warming. I hear all the time how a parent shouldn't spank their kids....and I have seen how effectively time out, sittin in a corner by themselves and taking away privileges and talking til the parents are blue in the face works. People need to stop being afraid of who is watching and raise their kids. Yeppers, parents had the right idea back in day. It's a shame that parents have lost their backbones to fear of being offensive and hurtful. They think being a friend to the kid is the best way to go. How sad
May 14, 2012
This was another good book about parenting. To my surprise, I realized that I'd already read quite a bit of it in "The New Strongwilled Child." He repeated many stories in both books, sometimes almost word for word. I can't say I got anything new or different from this book than I did from his other one, but it was an enjoyable read. He is very encouraging and straightforward while maintaining a professionalism and still imparting wisdom. I highly recommend his books to anyone looking for advise about parenting, and I plan someday to read some of his books on other topics.
January 13, 2018
I'd call this more of a parenting pep talk than a parenting how-to book. It was full of statistics and research based around children's extremes (very strong-willed or very compliant), and while it was interesting, for me it wasn't exactly helpful. Maybe it is because having four children I have read a few parenting books and knew most of this information. But information was not exactly what I was looking for when I picked the book up.
January 6, 2008
I like Dr Dobson, and he has a lot of insights. It was informational, but more directed towards strong willed or highly compliant children, and I don't think mine are either. (Although Bryn went through a strong willed toddler phase.) So though it was a good book, I wouldn't recommend it unless you have a strong willed or compliant child.
January 13, 2009
This book was very helpful for me. He mostly talks about strong-willed children and gives some helpful parenting tips. He also gives helpful parenting tips for raising compliant children. The first chapter has fascinating statistics based on a pole done with 35,000 families. His message rang true to me.
April 8, 2011
I liked this book a lot - great advice, especially for parents of strong-willed kids.
Listening to this in the car...and laughing. "Why will kids gag over the sight of a breakfast of orange juice, sausage, eggs and oatmeal but then go drink the dog water?" Toddlers are inexplicable. :)
Also - he talks a lot about strong-willed children from ages 18-36 months...definitely need this one...
Listening to this in the car...and laughing. "Why will kids gag over the sight of a breakfast of orange juice, sausage, eggs and oatmeal but then go drink the dog water?" Toddlers are inexplicable. :)
Also - he talks a lot about strong-willed children from ages 18-36 months...definitely need this one...
July 26, 2015
I would have given it four stars but a good portion of the content is from the last two books that I just read by this author. I've never seen anything like that before. VERY distracting! I liked the content. The section on the stages of parental burnout was interesting to me. I have certainly seen this before with some of my students' parents, especially those who are struggling financially.
December 26, 2007
This book is based on James Dobson's study of how parents relate to and parent the different personalities of their children. It compares and contrasts "strong willed" children and "compliant" children and teaches how to use different parenting techniques to parent each one. Fantastic!
May 31, 2008
Geared towards the parents of extremely strong-willed children (seems we have a bunch of those in this generation of children!). It has very insightful parenting tips. Dobson is a spiritually oriented individual with much insight into good parenting, I like that.
April 1, 2009
ACK!! Got to page 10 of this book then put it down.
"Lord" was mentioned about 20 times in those 10 pages AND "Gays" and "Punks" ... AND I just don't like the conservative/religious undertones of this book.
"Lord" was mentioned about 20 times in those 10 pages AND "Gays" and "Punks" ... AND I just don't like the conservative/religious undertones of this book.
January 14, 2010
I love James Dobson and agree with everything he says. This book just didn't have any practical applications to use with your own child. It was interesting to read, but provided little "how to's" on child rearing.
April 3, 2010
Pretty conservative but lots of good advice. Large chunks were cut and pasted from his other book "The Strong Willed Child", and I think this book actually addressed the issues of the strong willed child better than the book with that title.
February 2, 2016
This was a quick read, but I didn't find it particularly helpful. I felt it was very vague and focused more on teenagers than on younger children. He says to teach and gain control of children while they are young, but not much about how to do so.
June 18, 2009
I haven't finished it, but it is 'put down' indefinatly. It's a little more 'scientific'/case study than I thought. And more geared for those with strong willed children.
July 26, 2010
Outdated. This laid the groundwork for his later book The Strong-Willed Child. Title was misleading.
November 15, 2010
Quite a lot of data to make you feel better about being sometimes overwhelmed by the task of parenting. This certainly isn't a book that provides a series of solutions.
November 15, 2010
Read all you can by Dr. Dobson. He is very good.
September 13, 2013
Maybe it's because it's older and Dobson came out with books later but it just seemed like a rather outdated book and I didn't take away anything from it which is very rare.
April 13, 2012
Several good bits of advice in parenting "strong-willed" vs "compliant" children.
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