The First Rule of Mastery: Stop Worrying about What People Think of You

by Michael Gervais, Kevin Lake (Primary Contributor)

High-performance psychologist Michael Gervais presents a groundbreaking guide for overcoming what may be the single greatest constrictor of human our fear of people’s opinions (FOPO). FOPO shows up almost everywhere in our lives—and the consequences are great. When we let FOPO take control, we play it safe and small because we're afraid of what will happen on the other side of critique. When challenged, we surrender our viewpoint. We trade in authenticity for approval. We please rather than provoke. We chase the dreams of others rather than our own. But it doesn't have to be this way. In The First Rule of Mastery , Michael Gervais shows us that the key to leading a high-performance life is to redirect our attention from the world outside us to the world inside us. He reveals the mental skills and practices we need to overcome FOPO—the same skills he's taught to the top performers in the world, including sports MVPs, world-renowned artists and musicians, and Fortune 100 leaders and teams. Filled with fascinating stories from the worlds of sports and business, leading-edge science, and insights from the frontier of human performance, The First Rule of Mastery is a much-needed wake-up call that when we give more value to other people's opinions than we do our own, we live life on their terms, not ours.

Genres: Self Help, Nonfiction, Psychology, Personal Development, Business, Leadership, Audiobook

224 pages, Hardcover

Published November 7, 2023

Reviews

[Amanda · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is a must read. Absolutely phenomenal. Michael Gervais has struck the perfect balance between sharing psychological fact and evidence backed by studies and its readability and holding on to the readers interest. Even better, it doesn’t drag on forever. Gervais says what he needs to say and moves on. This is a quick read that packs a whole lot of punch.

I chose this book because I was aware that I really do struggle with the tendency to care too much about what people think, and to be honest, I expected a dry read full of science that I’d have to plow through bit by bit. I’ve never been so happy to report that I was mistaken. This is one of the most readable and engaging and helpful books on the topic. Additionally, for the overachievers among us, each chapter ends with simple and approachable activities designed to help bring awareness to the areas where you might have some tendencies to care too much and then what to do about it.

This is an excellent read. Once I started reading, I really couldn’t put it down. Highly recommend!!

I’d like to thank Harvard Business Review Press and NetGalley for the eARC in exchange for my honest review. All thoughts and opinions are my own.

[Hanie Noor · Rating 5 out of 5]

"The more self-aware you are, the more you will doubt your self-worth"

When embarking in journey of self improvement, you might notice this–at least I do. The more informations you have & the more experiences that you gather, you tend to reflect on yourself as a person. However, increased self-awareness can lead to a heightened scrutiny of our abilities, achievements, & perceived flaws, potentially magnifying feelings of inadequacy. As we become more aware of our strengths/weaknesses, we may engage in constant self-evaluation, contributing to a cycle of doubt about our own competence & worthiness.

Building a strong relationship to self is the first step towards mastery. This book on the other hand, delves into psychological & neurological aspects of human behaviour, particularly inclination to seek others' approval. Explores impacts of external opinions on our beliefs, identity, & decision-making processes–through understanding neurological mechanisms, it helps us challenge our deeply held beliefs & emphasises importance of overcoming fear of other people's opinions (FOPO) to achieve mastery in our life.

For someone struggling with self-esteem, Gervais addresses the root cause of many self-esteem issues–excessive concern about others' opinions. By unraveling the science behind how brain reacts to challenges to personal beliefs, it helps us to normalise instinctive reactions to criticism/differing opinions. Offers a perspective shift, encouraging us to see such challenges not as threats but as opportunities for growth. This understanding can be transformative for anyone grappling with self-esteem issues, as it provides a roadmap to navigate & overcome psychological barriers that hinder personal development.

Highlights the concept of living an authentic life by advocating for a shift from external validation to internal fulfilment. It underscores importance of reassessing & redefining personal beliefs, urging us to question whether our current beliefs align with our goals & aspirations. It made me realised that sometimes everything we do is to be loved a little bit more. I found this book to be reflective & comforting as it highlighted a lot on the topic of relationship to self–very much needed read & grateful that I stumbled upon this book.

Thank you @Times.Reads & @putrifariza

[Yasser Maniram · Rating 2 out of 5]

The message is right on the title, doesn't get much deeper than that apart from personal anecdotes.

[Captain Absurd · Rating 4 out of 5]

Fight Club being referenced twice here is bonkers! XD

Also, my favorite chapter deserves to be mentioned by its full name. Prepare for:

"Social Beings Masquerading as Separate Selves"!

Its 4 stars for now, but who knows about tomorrow.

[Kelly Deriemaeker · Rating 4 out of 5]

1000 highlights 🤣🥰

[Joshua Joseph · Rating 5 out of 5]

FOPO is something that I’ve struggled with plenty and this book has given me some great tools to manage how I can be kinder to myself, whilst also doing so in a productive way.

[Alejandro Garcia · Rating 5 out of 5]

El título es muy claro, “la primera regla para llegar a la excelencia es dejar de pensar en lo que opina la demás gente de ti”. Durante todo el libro se muestra como la aprobación externa nos frena, nos hace sentir inseguros, y nos aleja de lo que realmente importa: el trabajo duro y el aprendizaje. Michael Gervajs llama a está premisa “FOPO” (fear of people’s opinion). Muestra varios insights de atletas de alto rendimiento y personas que han llegado a alcanzar la excelencia en su profesión, soportados con evidencias de estudios científicos. El libro invita a confiar en nosotros mismos y enfocarnos en nuestro propio crecimiento sin que nos desvíen cosas externas que no están en nuestro control, visto desde la perspectiva de un high-performance psychologist.

Muy recomendado su podcast también: Finding Mastery

[Margaret · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book offered me a great amount of new perspectives upon world and society in general as well as how I should actually cherish each moment of my existence. If you out there are still worried about what other people think of you, just screw it and go get that cup of coffee that feels so illegal to buy in the absence of a friend to join you. Trust me, it's gonna be so worth it. Enjoying your presence and sometimes embracing solitude are keys in learning how to become more comfortable with yourself.

[Jeremy Ray · Rating 5 out of 5]

Does “perfectionism” get in the way of you pursuing your goals? Do you spend a lot of time analyzing what others think of you? Do you jump through hoops to make sure everyone likes you?

If your answer to these is no, congratulations, just skip my review of The First Rule of Mastery. This book is not for you.

However, for everyone else, definitely consider giving psychologist Dr. Michael Gervais’ book a read. According to Dr. Gervais, a hyper-focus on what others think of us is the key reason we don’t live bold, fulfilling lives.

Gervais paints a clear picture of how inaccurate our interpretations of what others think of us are and why we, as a species, are hard-wired to care.

Gervais not only breaks down the science of people-pleasing, why we do it, and how it is often detrimental to your psyche and goals, he also gives tools on how to combat it so that we can free ourselves to live more authentic, fulfilling lives.

Completely by coincidence, I was multitasking this read with Bending Reality, which I mentioned a few weeks ago. Holy crap, do these books pair well. (I highly recommend reading them together.) If you are someone who cares too much about the opinions of others, chances are reading this book will be absolutely liberating.

[Petruta · Rating 4 out of 5]

Dacă și tu te temi de părerile oamenilor din jurul tău, dacă ești blocat în dorința de a mulțumi pe toată lumea, dacă îți este teamă de ce se va întâmpla sau dacă renunți la autenticitate pentru a fi plăcut, atunci această carte este pentru tine! 

Prima regulă a succesului este să reușim să ne redirecționăm atenția de la părerea oamenilor din jurul nostru spre interiorul nostru, spre ceea ce ne dorim și să depășim teama de părerile celorlalți. 

Atunci când acordăm mai multă valoare opiniilor altora, trăim viața după dorințele lor, nu ale noastre.

Cartea este scrisă într-un stil accesibil. Este plină de povești ale unor oameni care au reușit în diverse domenii (sport, afaceri, știință). Capitolele conțin concepte teoretice, exemple concrete și strategii practice. Autorii te învață cum să-ți clădești încrederea în tine și faptul că este important să-ți găsești curajul să spui nu, atunci când este cazul.

“Când te concentrezi pe ceea ce contează cu adevărat pentru tine, zgomotul din jur începe să se estompeze.”

[Christine Heinen · Rating 4 out of 5]

4/5 ⭐️

“it turns out the brain never shuts off” yeah thanks tips, im exhausted lol

“a single thought is all it takes for the train to leave the station.

our interpretation of the opinions of others, often reflects more what’s inside us and our own beliefs, than the opinion of the other person.

[Jim Beatty · Rating 3 out of 5]

...you are not your f@*#ing khakis. -Tyler Durden

[Kim · Rating 4 out of 5]

1. FOPO = Fear of Other People's Opinion.
2. Be selective about whom you ask for feedback.
3. Nobody cares about you but yourself 99% of the time.

[Mriya 🇺🇦 · Rating 5 out of 5]

Absolutely phenomenal for me, definitely going to reread soon. This is not a book just to read, but to work with it.

[Alice Irene · Rating 4 out of 5]

Excellent and well-written book about how to get out of the cycle of wondering if people judge us for the most mundane things and living every day to the fullest. I am really working towards getting away from getting caught up in what other people think of me and I think this book was a great tool to helping myself work towards achieving that goal.

Four stars for The First Rule of Mastery. ✨✨✨✨

[Tasha Regan · Rating 4 out of 5]

Another self-help book where my dad said “hey, this book made me think of you, you should totally read it!” Will admit the psychology major in me was totally geeking out

[Tony Lunt · Rating 5 out of 5]

I know the title sounds like alpha male BS-ery, but this is an entirely wholesome book that would be beneficial to anybody who struggles with being overly concerned with the opinions of others. The kind of book I wish I had read earlier in adulthood and will likely revisit intermittently.

[Josh Skogman · Rating 4 out of 5]

The book started out a little slow for me. It seemed like so many other books of this genre, but towards the end there were items that really hit home for me personally. I’m not usually the one who will dog ear pages and highlight paragraphs, but I did for this book! There are definitely things that I will want to reference back to in the future.

[Noah Schüler · Rating 5 out of 5]

Was interesting and wrote some things down :) would definitely read it again

[sid graham · Rating 5 out of 5]

Antidote to FOPO? Kindness and alignment. Particularly loved the sections on getting outside of yourself and remembering how interconnected we are as humans — by connecting with others, we connect with ourselves. Thank you, Dr. Mike.

[Karina Cooke · Rating 5 out of 5]

This one of the most amazing books I’ve read !
Together with Feel the Fear and Do it anyway and Chatter, this is a must have for those who like contemplating the world of possibilities if one could only let go off the internal barriers and stoppers. Lots of great advice of wisdom to take on board

[Louie B · Rating 3 out of 5]

Probably a 3.5.

Feels like this is going to be a more critical review than the overall consensus on this book but here it goes. It’s a fine book, but there’s just nothing new here. The author effectively takes core stoic principles, summarizes them, and then sprinkles a dozen Kahneman studies in between, and calls it the first rule of mastery.

Is the advice misguided? Absolutely not. In fact, anyone who hasn’t encountered stoicism or hasn’t read thinking fast and slow will find this book super helpful. There is sound advice within these pages and the world would be a better place if everyone was familiar with it. That said, if you’ve read just about any stoic book, you won’t find very much new material here. In fact, you’d be better served reading meditations or breakfast with Seneca or how to think like a Roman emperor.

[Matthew J. · Rating 3 out of 5]

Some interesting repackaging of pretty well-known ideas. The most useful parts of the book were the action prompts at the ends of each chapter. Overall I think it would have worked better as an article. The anecdotes and just-so stories (that are prerequisites in the genre) were often fluff that felt unnecessary to drive home the science.

[Global Arts · Rating 3 out of 5]

Only about three stars good

There is some meat here and a few excellent motivational insights. There is also much that can be also found in other sources and that left me a bit disappointed. I'm kind of glad I cancelled ordering the audiobook version. I'm grateful for the insights it did open.

[Charles Reed · Rating 3 out of 5]

61%

This is certainly a book, it's like a watered-down version of stoicism with mostly people primarily the author talking about things that have worried them in the past and kind of continue to plague their brain.

Tldr, it's an okay intro to stoicism, but there are better books out there that also do the job and are more direct.

[Stella Popa · Rating 4 out of 5]

„Prima regulă a succesului. Nu-ți mai bate capul cu părerile celorlalți”,
de Michael Gervais și Kevin Lake
Cât de mult din ceea ce facem în viață este influențat de teama de a nu fi judecați? Cât de des ne trăim viețile urmând reguli impuse de alții, fără să ne întrebăm dacă acestea ne reprezintă cu adevărat? Michael Gervais și Kevin Lake ne provoacă să reflectăm asupra acestor întrebări esențiale, oferindu-ne o carte care este mai mult decât o simplă lectură – este un ghid pentru transformare personală.

Această carte redefinește ceea ce înseamnă succesul, detronând ideea conform căreia el este măsurat prin validarea celorlalți. Autorii ne conduc printr-o călătorie profundă, arătându-ne că succesul autentic vine din interior, din congruența între valorile noastre și acțiunile pe care le întreprindem. Ei ne învață cum să ne desprindem de povara opiniilor externe și să trăim în conformitate cu ceea ce ne face cu adevărat fericiți.

Gervais, un psiholog de performanță renumit, aduce în prim-plan povești reale, învățături din psihologie și experiențe din colaborările sale cu sportivi de top, lideri și artiști. Lake, prin stilul său narativ cald și accesibil, completează aceste lecții, făcându-le aplicabile fiecăruia dintre noi, indiferent de unde ne aflăm în viață.

Una dintre ideile centrale ale cărții este că viața noastră devine infinit mai liberă și mai autentică atunci când începem să punem pe primul loc propriile valori, în loc să ne modelăm existența în funcție de așteptările altora. Autorii ne arată cum să recunoaștem momentele în care suntem influențați de presiunea socială și ne oferă instrumente practice pentru a rupe acest cerc vicios.

Un citat memorabil care sintetizează această idee este: „Când te concentrezi pe ceea ce contează cu adevărat pentru tine, zgomotul din jur începe să se estompeze.”

Cartea îmbină psihologia performantă cu un ton empatic, uman. Fiecare capitol este construit cu grijă, trecând de la concepte teoretice la exemple concrete și strategii practice. De exemplu, autorii abordează tehnici de mindfulness și auto-reflecție, care ajută cititorul să identifice și să-și clarifice valorile personale. În plus, învață cum să-și construiască încrederea în sine și să-și găsească curajul de a spune „nu” atunci când este nevoie.

Cartea este scrisă într-un stil accesibil, dar profund. Autorii alternează povești inspiraționale cu exerciții practice care te provoacă să iei măsuri concrete în viața ta. Este ca și cum ai avea un mentor care nu doar te ghidează, ci îți oferă și instrumentele necesare pentru a reuși.

Un aspect remarcabil este empatia care răzbate din fiecare pagină. Departe de-a fi o carte rigidă despre succes, aceasta este o conversație prietenoasă care te împuternicește să faci pași mici, dar semnificativi, spre o viață mai autentică.

Pentru cine este această carte?
Indiferent dacă te afli într-un moment de cotitură, în căutarea clarității, sau pur și simplu dorești să-ți îmbunătățești relația cu tine însuți, această carte este pentru tine. Este pentru cei care simt că au fost prea mult timp blocați în dorința de a mulțumi pe toată lumea și vor să recâștige controlul asupra propriei vieți.
Citind această carte, nu doar că înveți cum să te eliberezi de opiniile celorlalți, ci începi să te întrebi: Ce îmi doresc cu adevărat? Ce mă face fericit? Este un proces eliberator, care te îndeamnă să-ți construiești viața după propriile reguli.

„Prima regulă a succesului. Nu-ți mai bate capul cu părerile celorlalți” este mai mult decât o carte, este o hartă pentru descoperirea de sine. Ea oferă nu doar speranță, ci și un plan concret pentru a-și croi drumul spre o viață autentică și împlinită.

Fiecare pagină inspiră curaj, claritate și determinare. Este genul de carte pe care o vei păstra pe noptieră, la care vei reveni ori de câte ori simți nevoia de o încurajare sau de un imbold. O recomand din toată inima celor care sunt pregătiți să își asume responsabilitatea pentru propria fericire și să își regăsească vocea interioară.

📚 O carte de citit, de recitit și de aplicat în viața de zi cu zi.

[Andy · Rating 2 out of 5]

There are occasional nuggets of actually helpful psychology in here, like the anecdote with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for the baseball player. (And by the way, that had little to do with achieving mastery since the guy already had won the Cy Young and it was not clearly all about fear of other people as opposed to self-doubt, fallling off the beam, etc.) Unfortunately, much of the book is a mix of the author's personal problems, neurobollocks Brainwashed: The Seductive Appeal of Mindless Neuroscience, citing so-called thought leaders like "researcher Brene Brown," and typical business book bootstrap blather.
The selling point here is the focus on FOPO (fear of other people's opinions). This is at best a bizarre oversimplifcation of psychology. Worrying about anything can be a problem, including other people. But caring about what good people think of you is normal and healthy. The issue for mastery is how to deal with fear and worry, not how to disregard other people.

Alternatively:
Managing Your Mind: The Mental Fitness Guide
Great Courses: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy: Techniques for Retraining Your Brain
Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience
Wherever You Go, There You Are: Mindfulness Meditation in Everyday Life

[Emma Grayson · Rating 2 out of 5]

Book 6

Centered around the idea of “FOPO” - fear of people’s opinions.

Pretty digestible and I liked the various quotes he used at the beginning of each chapter, from people like Carl Jung, Warren Buffet, Marcus Aurelius

“Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.” Carl Jung

“You can see FOPO in action when leaders don’t speak up and make tough decisions - or when CEOs prove late short-term shareholder gains over the long-term health of their companies. And when politicians vote with their party instead of their conscience… We trade in authenticity for approval.” Pg 4-5

“Mastery in any area of life - the arts, business, parenting, sports - requires being able to differentiate what is and what is not within our control.” Pg 10

“Mastery is a love affair with experience, honesty, truth, and continual exploration. One cannot step on to the path of mastery until making a fundamental commitment to work from the inside out.” Pg 22

“The world will ask you who you are, and if you don’t know, the world will tell you.” Carl Jung

Performance-based identity is not to be confused with self-efficacy. Self-efficacy is a belief in one’s ability to perform a certain task. Performance-based identity is a belief about who you are based on the result of the tasks performed.” Pg 74

“Your value stems from your being, not your doing.” Pg 98

“Spotlight effect - we tend to believe that others are paying more attention to us than they actually are.” Pg 114

(Game theory but working alone and then told that you’re working for the betterment of the community) we learn that humans are not just selfishly driven but socially driven creatures… we are not individuals who have learned to be social. We are social animals who have learned to identify as separate selves.” P 151

“The idolatry of the self has reached its apogee in human history. Never has the idea of a separate self occupied such a prominent place in society.” Pg 155

“The part of our brain that tells us to get away from that rancid meat to protect us from a pathogen is the same mechanism that warns us against information the brain thinks may hurt our sense of self… we cling to our worldview like our survival depends on it” p 170

^but when people challenge our deeply held beliefs, we can train the mind to recognize that it’s not a threat but an opportunity

The greatest regret of people at the end of their lives was living for the approval of others.… we have crafted a view of life, where death is not a reality, at least not in the foreseeable future. The cost of living without a shot clock: it’s easy to fall out of alignment with your values. P 180-181

The Roman emperor and Stoic philosopher Marcus Aurelius said, “you could leave life right now. Let that determine what you do and say and think.” Rather than a morbid idea, the inevitability of death served a forcing function for the stoics to be grateful for the time we have, appreciate each day, and be judicious in how we use our precious time.

Do you want to know what you will regret at the end of your life? Simply ask yourself what you regret right now.

[Michael Lisinski · Rating 4 out of 5]

You might glance at this book's title and assume that it's all about rugged individualism, telling people to ignore the haters on their path to greatness. Your suspicion might deepen if you're not already familiar with Michael Gervais, and you learn that he's known as a sports psychologist who has spent years working with Olympic athletes and sports teams like the Seattle Seahawks. But that old adage about book covers was created for cases like this.

What Gervais writes in this book reminds me of a line from the TV show Community: "Truth is ketchup". In other words, things that are true aren't usually highly original insights. So, some people will be able to predict some of what's included here. Mindfulness is highly prized, Stoic philosophy is praised, and often-cited figures are cited once again. But Gervais isn't rehashing self-help tropes for a cash grab. This book was written for a purpose, which is where it differentiates itself.

Gervais' target is what he calls FOPO, or the fear of other people's opinions, which his book is designed to help alleviate. Please don't confuse this with the idea of "not listening to negative people" or any of its close relatives. Gervais is no enemy of sensitivity and self-reflection. With FOPO, Gervais is referring to the way we'll silence or repress ourselves, often preemptively, because of how we imagine we'll be perceived. If there's any question that there's a need for a book like this, consider the response I've heard most often when I cite the book's subtitle, "Stop Worrying About What People Think of You": Yeah, if only it were that easy!

But this is meant to be a practical guide, with exercises at the end of each chapter designed to help reframe one's perspectives or open them to new experiences (lest we forget that Dr. Gervais is a psychologist). The idea is that training oneself to focus on one's own purpose (such as the one many athletes have devoted themselves to) and to manage pressures from others is a skill to be developed over time. These exercises range from the relatively simple (listing things within and outside of one's control) to the terrifying (purposefully wearing an unflattering outfit in public). Gervais also weaves in his own experiences, including one particularly powerful recollection when the author's sixth-grade self admits to his mother that he isn't feeling okay on a fundamental and profoundly emotional level.

I think this book will pleasantly surprise some of those who pick it up. Far from being yet another tract for the individualistic hack-focused "hustle culture", the book underscores both the traps of a performance-based identity and the need for us to embrace our interconnectedness with others. The pursuit of mastery is framed as a participatory and existentially important experience, not to be burdened by the relatively unimportant (and often imagined) judgments of those who haven't taken the path we've taken. The familiar tropes serve this admirable end nicely. Truth is ketchup.

[J Kromrie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Thanks to the publisher and Netgalley for this eARC.

In the realm of self-help and personal development, Michael Gervais’ “The First Rule of Mastery” emerges as a beacon of empowerment. Gervais, a high-performance psychologist, delves into the pervasive fear that shackles potential: the fear of other people’s opinions (FOPO). With a compelling blend of storytelling, scientific research, and practical exercises, Gervais not only identifies FOPO as a common adversary but also equips the reader with the tools to overcome it.

The book is structured around the central premise that true mastery in any field is not just about skill acquisition but also about the liberation from external validation. Gervais’ narrative is enriched with anecdotes from his extensive experience coaching top performers across various domains, including sports, arts, and business. These stories resonate with authenticity and serve as a testament to the book’s principles in action.

One of the most striking aspects of “The First Rule of Mastery” is its focus on internal validation. Gervais encourages a shift from seeking approval to cultivating self-awareness and aligning actions with personal values. This internal compass, he argues, is the key to not only achieving mastery but also to leading a fulfilling life.

The book is not just theoretical; it is immensely practical. Gervais provides a series of mental skills and practices designed to fortify the reader against FOPO. These include mindfulness techniques, journaling prompts, and reflection exercises that are both introspective and actionable.

“The First Rule of Mastery” is a call to arms against the invisible chains of societal expectation. It’s a guide for those who find themselves constantly looking over their shoulder, wondering what the world thinks of them. Gervais’ message is clear: the first rule of mastery is to stop worrying about what people think of you and start living on your own terms.

Michael Gervais’ “The First Rule of Mastery” is a transformative work that challenges readers to redefine success on their own terms. It’s a book that provides the pathway to it. For anyone looking to break free from the confines of FOPO and step into their own power, this book is a must-read. It’s a journey from external validation to internal triumph, and Gervais is an excellent guide.