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When Sinners Say "I Do": Discovering the Power of the Gospel for Marriage
Marriage is the union of two people who arrive at the altar toting some surprisingly large luggage. Often it gets opened right there on the honeymoon, sometimes it waits for the week after. The Bible calls it sin and understanding its influence can make all the difference for a man and woman who are building a life together. When Sinners Say "I Do" is about encountering the life-transforming power of the gospel in the unpredictable journey of marriage.
Dave's writing style embraces the reader as he speaks honestly, and sometimes humorously, about sin and the power of the gospel to overcome it. He opens the delightful truth of God s word and encourages the reader to see more clearly the glorious picture of what God does when sinners say "I do."
Dave's writing style embraces the reader as he speaks honestly, and sometimes humorously, about sin and the power of the gospel to overcome it. He opens the delightful truth of God s word and encourages the reader to see more clearly the glorious picture of what God does when sinners say "I do."
183 pages, Paperback
First published June 1, 2007
709 people are currently reading
3824 people want to read
About the author
Dave Harvey
76 books56 followersLibrarian Note: There is more than one author in the GoodReads database with this name.
Dave Harvey is senior pastor of Covenant Fellowship Church (Glen Mills, PA), part of a family of churches called Sovereign Grace Ministries. He received his Doctor of Ministry in Pastoral Care from Westminster Theological Seminary. Dave lives in West Chester, Pennsylvania, with his wife, Kimm, and their four children.
Dave Harvey is senior pastor of Covenant Fellowship Church (Glen Mills, PA), part of a family of churches called Sovereign Grace Ministries. He received his Doctor of Ministry in Pastoral Care from Westminster Theological Seminary. Dave lives in West Chester, Pennsylvania, with his wife, Kimm, and their four children.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 384 reviews
March 21, 2016
While I generally prefer the insightful, research-laden work of Tim Keller on just about every subject, I have to say that this is probably the most practically helpful book on marriage I've ever read. (Don't get me wrong, though: I still LOVE Keller's The Meaning of Marriage. The two books just have different aims.)
During the first few chapters, my initial response was, "Heyyyy. You just took the chapter subjects of every single Reformed book written on the Gospel during the last ten years and then applied them to marriage."
But oh my goodness, it worked.
What better place to practice Gospel living than in my ever-present, glorious, sinful marriage? Harvey not only helped me see more specifically how the Gospel affects each part of my marriage every day, but he also broke open some familiar Gospel truths so that they became fresh again.
My favorite chapter has to be the last, "When Sinners Say Goodbye." Ever since having children and losing that effortless skinny figure I took for granted for my entire life, I have struggled with body image. No amount of mommy-blog platitudes ("Being a mom is worth it!" "These stretch marks are a mark of my accomplishment!") could shake it. But Harvey's redemptive reminder of "Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day" (2 Cor. 4:16) helped more than anything else has. The most important and lasting part of me is growing more beautiful year by year because God is working in me year by year: now THAT's food to nourish my soul.
During the first few chapters, my initial response was, "Heyyyy. You just took the chapter subjects of every single Reformed book written on the Gospel during the last ten years and then applied them to marriage."
But oh my goodness, it worked.
What better place to practice Gospel living than in my ever-present, glorious, sinful marriage? Harvey not only helped me see more specifically how the Gospel affects each part of my marriage every day, but he also broke open some familiar Gospel truths so that they became fresh again.
My favorite chapter has to be the last, "When Sinners Say Goodbye." Ever since having children and losing that effortless skinny figure I took for granted for my entire life, I have struggled with body image. No amount of mommy-blog platitudes ("Being a mom is worth it!" "These stretch marks are a mark of my accomplishment!") could shake it. But Harvey's redemptive reminder of "Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day" (2 Cor. 4:16) helped more than anything else has. The most important and lasting part of me is growing more beautiful year by year because God is working in me year by year: now THAT's food to nourish my soul.
November 13, 2008
This is a pretty good book where themes of humility and the need for God's grace run strong. A healthy recognition of your own failures and even the ones you don't see will obviously help you to approach conflict with humility and your necessity of the gospel on a day to day basis.
It seemed to me that even though the book is for both men and women, it seemed more appropriate for men. The book is very much influenced by Harvey's own experiences in his marriage as a man. He deals with the struggles that a lot of men struggle with in evangelical, complementarian circles.
One part of the book did bother me. In his chapter on forgiveness, he praises an elderly lady for never growing bitter and constantly forgiving her husband who was a pastor with no integrity that had engaged in adultery. Years later, even though they were divorced, she still prayed for him, etc. This is all great and necessary, but Harvey missed out on a key opportunity to instruct Christian women to not just be forgiving but to also confront sin in their spouse. What needed to happen was out of love for her husband she needed to confront him and take him before the leaders in the church and expose his sin. 1 Corinthians 13 says love does not rejoice in unrighteousness. By failing to instruct Christian women who are in complementarian relationships where roles are the big thing, Harvey sets up women for all kinds of abuse they need not endure. Unknowingly or not, he promotes the view of submission that puts up with all the husband's crap without biblical confrontation. Women in these circles need to be encouraged and taught to confront these types of situations, not just "to submit and forgive."
Besides this, I found the book to be helpful reminding me of my own sinfulness and proneness to be the one in the right. My need for the gospel of grace every day should cause me to be more gracious in my relationship with my wife.
It seemed to me that even though the book is for both men and women, it seemed more appropriate for men. The book is very much influenced by Harvey's own experiences in his marriage as a man. He deals with the struggles that a lot of men struggle with in evangelical, complementarian circles.
One part of the book did bother me. In his chapter on forgiveness, he praises an elderly lady for never growing bitter and constantly forgiving her husband who was a pastor with no integrity that had engaged in adultery. Years later, even though they were divorced, she still prayed for him, etc. This is all great and necessary, but Harvey missed out on a key opportunity to instruct Christian women to not just be forgiving but to also confront sin in their spouse. What needed to happen was out of love for her husband she needed to confront him and take him before the leaders in the church and expose his sin. 1 Corinthians 13 says love does not rejoice in unrighteousness. By failing to instruct Christian women who are in complementarian relationships where roles are the big thing, Harvey sets up women for all kinds of abuse they need not endure. Unknowingly or not, he promotes the view of submission that puts up with all the husband's crap without biblical confrontation. Women in these circles need to be encouraged and taught to confront these types of situations, not just "to submit and forgive."
Besides this, I found the book to be helpful reminding me of my own sinfulness and proneness to be the one in the right. My need for the gospel of grace every day should cause me to be more gracious in my relationship with my wife.
January 3, 2024
Very good, encouraging read. A great reminder on how a biblical understanding of sin helps us delight more in Christ - and this love of Christ enables and convicts us to love our spouses in the light of His grace to us. Marriage is indeed a precious gift from God!
January 26, 2024
Wow, this is one of the best and most practical books I have ever read on marriage.
Although the title might suggest there will be a heavy focus on personal failures in marriage, that is far from true. Harvey advocates instead for a healthy self-suspicion and a high volume of grace in marriage, in view of our ongoing struggles against sin in the flesh.
When Sinners Say "I Do" is very readable and relatable. It is not theologically rich but neither is it theologically poor—this is theology in boots, marching through the mud-and-dirt trials of marriage as it is. I'm glad I read it, and will recommend it gladly to others.
Although the title might suggest there will be a heavy focus on personal failures in marriage, that is far from true. Harvey advocates instead for a healthy self-suspicion and a high volume of grace in marriage, in view of our ongoing struggles against sin in the flesh.
When Sinners Say "I Do" is very readable and relatable. It is not theologically rich but neither is it theologically poor—this is theology in boots, marching through the mud-and-dirt trials of marriage as it is. I'm glad I read it, and will recommend it gladly to others.
Read
May 1, 2012My friend Dave Harvey has written a wonderful book. When Sinners Say I Do is honest, refreshing, practical, and above all biblical. These carefully written pages spill over with truth and grace. This book is liberating, Christ-centered and hope-filled, pointing the way to God-empowered marriage. I’m delighted to recommend it.
April 26, 2020
This book is brilliant. Dave Harvey manages to increase your excitement of marriage while at the same time making you more aware of your sin- how does that make sense? Because of the beautiful picture of God's grace that he puts at the forefront of every discussion. Both great for how practical it is and how well it prepares your heart. (Or at least let's hope so!)
July 26, 2023
Solid. Lead to a perfect marriage with the perfect woman
Read
January 16, 2025My favourite book on marriage. What a helpful, insightful, practical gift to God's people who want their marriages to glorify Christ!
May 13, 2019
Este é um excelente livro sobre casamento. Não, é mais que isso... é um livro sobre a natureza humana e a graça que nos resgata e nos santifica. Nesse resgate, nosso casamento precisa de graça e humildade! Leia!
April 28, 2021
Might be my new favorite book on marriage! Biblical, funny, and relatable! I especially liked the section on self-righteousness and how we must start with the foundation that >>I<< am the biggest sinner in the relationship.
May 27, 2025
This book is used in pre marital counseling but was a good read on how a god centered marriage should look like!
November 13, 2020
Un libro útil y necesario para ir con el enfoque correcto al matrimonio. No sé trata de mi, ni mi pareja, sino de Cristo y su Iglesia.
October 16, 2021
As Scott and I prepared for our wedding, we were given a lot of recommendations on books to read. Many of the books seem to be written to scare young couples into realizing this is a serious thing they are taking on and will be hard. Most of the ones that sounded good were written for couples in an active marriage. And a few sounded just downright dumb or dry.
When our pastor bought and handed Scott and me each a copy of this book, I decided to give this one a try.
Does it take a serious look at marriage? Yes!
Is it written to scare in-love couples? No!!
Is it applicable to both married and soon-to-be-married? Yes!
This book address selfishness and how it can really affect a marriage. While not an exhaustive book on marriage it's a keeper and already has underlining in it (from me).
Oh, and can I just say that Harvey is a masterful writer? Unlike a lot of books I started on, this guy has a talent with words, not just a good theological base.
When our pastor bought and handed Scott and me each a copy of this book, I decided to give this one a try.
Does it take a serious look at marriage? Yes!
Is it written to scare in-love couples? No!!
Is it applicable to both married and soon-to-be-married? Yes!
This book address selfishness and how it can really affect a marriage. While not an exhaustive book on marriage it's a keeper and already has underlining in it (from me).
Oh, and can I just say that Harvey is a masterful writer? Unlike a lot of books I started on, this guy has a talent with words, not just a good theological base.
September 5, 2018
Another fantastic marriage book. Surprisingly theological, in a good way -- Dave Harvey's down-to-earth, funny, pastoral approach applies theology to the real life issues of marriage very helpfully. (The final chapter about preparing for the death of a spouse, and living for Jesus afterwards, is a fantastic stand alone section.)
Read again in 2018. Struck this time by the honest focus on self-examination, sin, humility and confession in marriage, and also by the three stage examination of mercy (overlooking sin), forgiveness (when sin is confessed) and confrontation of sin (for the good of the other).
Read again in 2018. Struck this time by the honest focus on self-examination, sin, humility and confession in marriage, and also by the three stage examination of mercy (overlooking sin), forgiveness (when sin is confessed) and confrontation of sin (for the good of the other).
May 20, 2022
Everyone should read this book. This was my second read through and I appreciated it all the more having been married 5 years than I did reading it as an almost newlywed. So very applicable to every stage of life and marriage and so very gospel centered.
August 22, 2024
Harvey’s tone was very accessible and his down-to-earth prose made it feel like you’re talking to him one on one. Everything in the book was made poignant with real life stories. I also appreciated the final chapter on “Saying Goodbye.” Frankly, that wasn’t on my mind as an engaged woman, but I’m so glad it was talked about. Marriage is a preparation. That includes death—but one of hope. It made me cry, really.
On its own, I still have follow up questions and thoughts. But one book can’t cover every possible topic. I would 100% recommend to add it to ones worth reading to give you a holistic picture.
On its own, I still have follow up questions and thoughts. But one book can’t cover every possible topic. I would 100% recommend to add it to ones worth reading to give you a holistic picture.
June 24, 2024
This book was truly helpful and insightful and I believe would be for any stage of marriage. I loved this book! A lot of marriage books fall flat but this one stays focused on gospel truth and love and I loved how he worked through different stories and examples of his point in each chapter. I highly recommend!
August 20, 2025
Underrated marriage book id say. Chapter 6 on forgiveness is super applicable to all of life. Chapter 10 on how to graciously approach your spouses return to the Lord and how to embrace widowhood as a missionary opportunity was really unexpected and unique in these kind of life prep books from what I can tell. Recommend! Free on Spotify premium
April 24, 2019
A well-balanced, pastoral look at marriage.
April 7, 2024
I liked it, but a married person would probably have a more keen review of this book.
May 7, 2024
5/5!
Really enjoyed this book and I was able to take away some great points.
Really enjoyed this book and I was able to take away some great points.
December 19, 2024
This book was biblically based and had several profound statements. However, the writing style wasn’t my favorite. Compared to the books I’ve read on marriage, this was not my favorite. His personal stories are cheesy and his wording is a little dorky. It can be difficult to read at times. The words he uses and the way he words things makes it difficult to understand. He seems to be more old fashion. He makes a lot of metaphors that don’t make sense to me. I had a difficult time relating to the author. Nonetheless, the information was still very helpful and convicting. Here are some of my takeaways from the book.
- Marriage isn’t a thing to rush into to try to legitimize uncontrollable desires, disregarding the wisdom from others.
- Divorce only occurs when the person puts their own needs above what God joined together
- God designed marriage to display his glory
- Until our sin is bitter, Christ will not be sweet. Until our sin is bitter, marriage will not be sweet.
- Serving your spouse is doing what they asked you to do even though you would rather relax on your day off
- The reality of our sin sends us to our savior. Too many think lightly about their sin, and therefore they think lightly about the savior
- Our accusations, harsh words, and selfish attitudes are all rooted in sin
- Our sin is caused by our own doing, not the doing of our spouse
- Without clear awareness of sin, we will evaluate our conflicts in marriage outside of the biblical perspective.
- The title husband and wife is a big deal. It shows you’re part of another. In your identity, it points to another person. It also shows you who you’re not; if you have a title, you’re not single.
- The sins we become comfortable with are the most dangerous because they build up daily and are less obvious.
- Because of our sinful nature, when we confess a “small” sin of our own, we will want to point out the “bigger” sins in our spouses life. This is trying to justify sinful behavior and words of our own.
- If you’re a planner, be cautious that you’re not so focused on the plan and execution that your main concern is managing and controlling your life on your own terms.
- Sin causes problems. Not marriages. Marriage itself doesn’t cause problems, but the sin in our hearts.
- What is wrong with the world? I am. What’s the greatest problem in my marriage? I am.
- It takes humility to admit that you’re wrong and sorry. It is difficult to admit you’re wrong because of sin. Usually we’re experts at finding the law of sin at work in our spouses, but not so good at noticing its activity in us.
- When bringing up sin to your spouse you need to be more aware of your own sin than theirs. This lowers your irritation and softens your tone of voice.
- When you bring up your spouses sin, ask yourself if you’re doing it to bless, encourage, and help your spouse. Are you intending to serve yourself or your spouse?
- The only sin I can directly change is my own so I need to inspect my own heart first.
- When Jesus was irritated, what came out was love, mercy, compassion, and kindness. What we have inside is what is going to flow out in sensitive situations.
- Your spouse is an essential part of God’s rescue mission for your life
- God reveals familiar sins so it can be overcome by amazing grace.
- Gods love expresses itself in kindness towards sinners and that kindness is meant to lead us to repentance. Kindness doesn’t have its origin in you, but in God.
- My petty indifferences to my spouse is sufficient to warrant the full wrath of a holy God and required the blood of my savior to take it away.
- God uses sin in marriage to get you where you are now, many years down the road. Working through sin and repentance builds a stronger marriage and unity to Christ.
- Sins that may seem petty compared to adultery and murder (David) can do deep damage in a marriage.
- Only self examination can provide the humble clarity of sight I need to serve my spouse
- Questions to ask yourself when bringing sin up to your spouse: have I prayed for God’s wisdom and acknowledge my need for his help in serving my spouse? Are my observations based upon patterns of behavior or merely a single incident? Am I content to address one area of concern, even if I’m aware of several? Am I committed to only making incisions no larger than absolutely necessary? Am I prepared to humbly offer an observation rather than an assumption or conclusion? Is my goal to promote God’s truth or my preference?
- Often I will point out sin without seeking God, which is backwards. If a sin only happened once, it may not need to be brought up. When we try to bring godly conviction to our spouse, too often we overwhelm them with a great volume of information. Is your concern also a concern of God’s?
- Your words and manner of delivery must be designed to encourage repentance. Godly grief is grieving into repentance.
- Repentance is becoming so aware of God, his character and what he had done that we actively seek to turn from sin and pursue righteousness.
- A soft answer turns away wrath. Gentle speech encourages life.
- The goal of marriage is to connect one’s spouse back to Christ. Your spouses sin is not first about you. It may affect you, but the most important thing it reveals is your spouses relationship with God.
- The ultimate hope for change lies in a response towards God.
- The final stage of any correction must be encouraging our spouse toward God and entrusting our spouse to God.
- How often do you point your spouse back to the grace of God? How often do you remind them that God’s grace is always at work to train and change us?
- Your spouse is inclined to drift from grace to self effort
- Recognize mental ruts in your spouse and make truth a regular focus. When you aren’t doing well mentally, your actions and affections of the heart will follow.
- Practice patience when you’re impatient about the pace of change in your spouses life. We’re vulnerable to discourage in the fight. Change doesn’t have to happen according to our timeline.
- Remind your spouse that God works beneath the surface well before change becomes visible. It is working whether we see it or not. Celebrate what you can see.
- We’re inclined to worry first and then pray when it concerns us. Sit down and discuss a strategy for working through sin, a game plan for change. See who in your church you can involve for counsel. Grace comes when we’re willing to take action.
- Marriage provides us the opportunity to remind one another of the real power behind our progress and direction. When we’re focused inward, we have the other to point us back to Jesus. That’s why God gave us the gift of each other.
- When your husband takes the lead, he is going to make mistakes. Rather than complaining and discouraging him when he makes a mistake, see the positives even in the mistake to encourage him to continue to lead. My comments can move us beyond the mistake to see the good that could result; Ex. When they got lost in the woods: “this is great. It gives us extra exercise and allows us to see even more of the trails”.
- Sex in marriage is to be a God installed defense against temptation. Those with a healthy sex life within marriage are silently but powerfully working against sexual temptation.
- Marital sex (which glorifies God, honors marriage, and satisfies spouses) exists in part to prevent adultery (which insults God, betrays marriage, and debases spouses).
- Marriage means that our bodies are now claimed by God for the pleasure and service of another. We are called by God to become devoted to sexually satisfying our spouse. A servants mindset should be used in the marriage bed. Pursuing service is far better for you than selfishness.
- Service in marriage prepares us for how to live outside of marriage in how we serve others.
- When a spouse dies, we are not to cling to them like they’re an idol, but cling to Jesus. God knows best and can be trusted. The Lord gives and takes away. Either way, blessed be the name of the Lord (Job 1:21). Confidence in God helps lift our eyes beyond ourself and our grief.
- Our post marriage years should be of undistracted devotion to our savior and his church. Give yourself away to serve others rather than sitting on the couch watching tv. Don’t idolize marriage but use your time in marriage and outside of it to serve God. With no more duties to a spouse and children, God has freed up time to pour ourselves into others.
- I like that he included this chapter at the end about life after marriage to remind us that our purpose on earth isn’t to get married, but God uses marriage as a tool to refine us. I have never read anything about life after marriage and how we can use our time to serve God.
- Main takeaways: Be aware of your own sin before your spouse’s. Have a servant mindset. The problem isn’t your marriage, it’s your sin. Be aware of your intentions before bringing up sin. The purpose of bringing up sin is to strengthen their relationship with Jesus and encourage them to seek him.
- Marriage isn’t a thing to rush into to try to legitimize uncontrollable desires, disregarding the wisdom from others.
- Divorce only occurs when the person puts their own needs above what God joined together
- God designed marriage to display his glory
- Until our sin is bitter, Christ will not be sweet. Until our sin is bitter, marriage will not be sweet.
- Serving your spouse is doing what they asked you to do even though you would rather relax on your day off
- The reality of our sin sends us to our savior. Too many think lightly about their sin, and therefore they think lightly about the savior
- Our accusations, harsh words, and selfish attitudes are all rooted in sin
- Our sin is caused by our own doing, not the doing of our spouse
- Without clear awareness of sin, we will evaluate our conflicts in marriage outside of the biblical perspective.
- The title husband and wife is a big deal. It shows you’re part of another. In your identity, it points to another person. It also shows you who you’re not; if you have a title, you’re not single.
- The sins we become comfortable with are the most dangerous because they build up daily and are less obvious.
- Because of our sinful nature, when we confess a “small” sin of our own, we will want to point out the “bigger” sins in our spouses life. This is trying to justify sinful behavior and words of our own.
- If you’re a planner, be cautious that you’re not so focused on the plan and execution that your main concern is managing and controlling your life on your own terms.
- Sin causes problems. Not marriages. Marriage itself doesn’t cause problems, but the sin in our hearts.
- What is wrong with the world? I am. What’s the greatest problem in my marriage? I am.
- It takes humility to admit that you’re wrong and sorry. It is difficult to admit you’re wrong because of sin. Usually we’re experts at finding the law of sin at work in our spouses, but not so good at noticing its activity in us.
- When bringing up sin to your spouse you need to be more aware of your own sin than theirs. This lowers your irritation and softens your tone of voice.
- When you bring up your spouses sin, ask yourself if you’re doing it to bless, encourage, and help your spouse. Are you intending to serve yourself or your spouse?
- The only sin I can directly change is my own so I need to inspect my own heart first.
- When Jesus was irritated, what came out was love, mercy, compassion, and kindness. What we have inside is what is going to flow out in sensitive situations.
- Your spouse is an essential part of God’s rescue mission for your life
- God reveals familiar sins so it can be overcome by amazing grace.
- Gods love expresses itself in kindness towards sinners and that kindness is meant to lead us to repentance. Kindness doesn’t have its origin in you, but in God.
- My petty indifferences to my spouse is sufficient to warrant the full wrath of a holy God and required the blood of my savior to take it away.
- God uses sin in marriage to get you where you are now, many years down the road. Working through sin and repentance builds a stronger marriage and unity to Christ.
- Sins that may seem petty compared to adultery and murder (David) can do deep damage in a marriage.
- Only self examination can provide the humble clarity of sight I need to serve my spouse
- Questions to ask yourself when bringing sin up to your spouse: have I prayed for God’s wisdom and acknowledge my need for his help in serving my spouse? Are my observations based upon patterns of behavior or merely a single incident? Am I content to address one area of concern, even if I’m aware of several? Am I committed to only making incisions no larger than absolutely necessary? Am I prepared to humbly offer an observation rather than an assumption or conclusion? Is my goal to promote God’s truth or my preference?
- Often I will point out sin without seeking God, which is backwards. If a sin only happened once, it may not need to be brought up. When we try to bring godly conviction to our spouse, too often we overwhelm them with a great volume of information. Is your concern also a concern of God’s?
- Your words and manner of delivery must be designed to encourage repentance. Godly grief is grieving into repentance.
- Repentance is becoming so aware of God, his character and what he had done that we actively seek to turn from sin and pursue righteousness.
- A soft answer turns away wrath. Gentle speech encourages life.
- The goal of marriage is to connect one’s spouse back to Christ. Your spouses sin is not first about you. It may affect you, but the most important thing it reveals is your spouses relationship with God.
- The ultimate hope for change lies in a response towards God.
- The final stage of any correction must be encouraging our spouse toward God and entrusting our spouse to God.
- How often do you point your spouse back to the grace of God? How often do you remind them that God’s grace is always at work to train and change us?
- Your spouse is inclined to drift from grace to self effort
- Recognize mental ruts in your spouse and make truth a regular focus. When you aren’t doing well mentally, your actions and affections of the heart will follow.
- Practice patience when you’re impatient about the pace of change in your spouses life. We’re vulnerable to discourage in the fight. Change doesn’t have to happen according to our timeline.
- Remind your spouse that God works beneath the surface well before change becomes visible. It is working whether we see it or not. Celebrate what you can see.
- We’re inclined to worry first and then pray when it concerns us. Sit down and discuss a strategy for working through sin, a game plan for change. See who in your church you can involve for counsel. Grace comes when we’re willing to take action.
- Marriage provides us the opportunity to remind one another of the real power behind our progress and direction. When we’re focused inward, we have the other to point us back to Jesus. That’s why God gave us the gift of each other.
- When your husband takes the lead, he is going to make mistakes. Rather than complaining and discouraging him when he makes a mistake, see the positives even in the mistake to encourage him to continue to lead. My comments can move us beyond the mistake to see the good that could result; Ex. When they got lost in the woods: “this is great. It gives us extra exercise and allows us to see even more of the trails”.
- Sex in marriage is to be a God installed defense against temptation. Those with a healthy sex life within marriage are silently but powerfully working against sexual temptation.
- Marital sex (which glorifies God, honors marriage, and satisfies spouses) exists in part to prevent adultery (which insults God, betrays marriage, and debases spouses).
- Marriage means that our bodies are now claimed by God for the pleasure and service of another. We are called by God to become devoted to sexually satisfying our spouse. A servants mindset should be used in the marriage bed. Pursuing service is far better for you than selfishness.
- Service in marriage prepares us for how to live outside of marriage in how we serve others.
- When a spouse dies, we are not to cling to them like they’re an idol, but cling to Jesus. God knows best and can be trusted. The Lord gives and takes away. Either way, blessed be the name of the Lord (Job 1:21). Confidence in God helps lift our eyes beyond ourself and our grief.
- Our post marriage years should be of undistracted devotion to our savior and his church. Give yourself away to serve others rather than sitting on the couch watching tv. Don’t idolize marriage but use your time in marriage and outside of it to serve God. With no more duties to a spouse and children, God has freed up time to pour ourselves into others.
- I like that he included this chapter at the end about life after marriage to remind us that our purpose on earth isn’t to get married, but God uses marriage as a tool to refine us. I have never read anything about life after marriage and how we can use our time to serve God.
- Main takeaways: Be aware of your own sin before your spouse’s. Have a servant mindset. The problem isn’t your marriage, it’s your sin. Be aware of your intentions before bringing up sin. The purpose of bringing up sin is to strengthen their relationship with Jesus and encourage them to seek him.
September 17, 2013
I was eager to read this book, as numerous friends all highly recommended it. I certainly wasn't let down.
How challenging it is to keep the Gospel central in marriage (or in any other part of life for that matter)! However, Dave Harvey does an excellent job taking a look at the marriage relationship through the lens of the Gospel.
I thought the best chapter was, "The Surgeon, the Scalpel, and the Spouse in Sin," which was all about when and how to confront your spouse on sin. I thought Harvey's take on this issue (that the "surgeon" needs to exercise special wisdom, courage, and meekness) was very helpful. It is certainly easy for me to "cut deep" when I feel like something is important to me. But I need to be driven much more by what would serve the other person and set them up for a willingness to hear.
Also, it was striking to read a book on marriage that ends with a vision for dying well. This was sobering, yet quite a compelling vision.
One small thing that bothered me about the book was that Harvey's object lessons to illustrate his points often seem a little corny (for example, his oven used to overcook their food, and they discovered the problem to be not with the dials but with the oven. This was a lesson to make sure to discover the root problems in marriage conflict.).
However, the fact that he aimed to illustrate his points so often is praiseworthy. Harvey did well in seeking to drive his points home to the reader.
I would recommend this book to anyone, not just those who are married. The principles covered in it are easily applicable to almost any relationship.
Second reading (2013): I just downgraded my rating to 4 stars. I still love the book's message, but I found the author's style much more distracting. Many illustrations never really landed and lessened the weight of the argument.
But the argument remains a central need in every marriage: We're still sinners, and we need God's grace in our marriages.
How challenging it is to keep the Gospel central in marriage (or in any other part of life for that matter)! However, Dave Harvey does an excellent job taking a look at the marriage relationship through the lens of the Gospel.
I thought the best chapter was, "The Surgeon, the Scalpel, and the Spouse in Sin," which was all about when and how to confront your spouse on sin. I thought Harvey's take on this issue (that the "surgeon" needs to exercise special wisdom, courage, and meekness) was very helpful. It is certainly easy for me to "cut deep" when I feel like something is important to me. But I need to be driven much more by what would serve the other person and set them up for a willingness to hear.
Also, it was striking to read a book on marriage that ends with a vision for dying well. This was sobering, yet quite a compelling vision.
One small thing that bothered me about the book was that Harvey's object lessons to illustrate his points often seem a little corny (for example, his oven used to overcook their food, and they discovered the problem to be not with the dials but with the oven. This was a lesson to make sure to discover the root problems in marriage conflict.).
However, the fact that he aimed to illustrate his points so often is praiseworthy. Harvey did well in seeking to drive his points home to the reader.
I would recommend this book to anyone, not just those who are married. The principles covered in it are easily applicable to almost any relationship.
Second reading (2013): I just downgraded my rating to 4 stars. I still love the book's message, but I found the author's style much more distracting. Many illustrations never really landed and lessened the weight of the argument.
But the argument remains a central need in every marriage: We're still sinners, and we need God's grace in our marriages.
December 10, 2022
First chapter is great, read it. Skip the rest. Borderline harmful in its entirety. While there are beautiful stories and redeeming themes, this book reads like a product of its Sovereign Grace environment -- any problems in a marriage fall under the jurisdiction of James 4:1 ("what causes quarrels and fights among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you?"). This means legitimate needs are treated as ancillary. All a spouse really needs is to accept that God's future promises are enough, and then all "needs" become "wants" and lack should be endured. There is little mention of the promises we make to each other in marriage and the covenant keeping that marriage demands. There are fewer principles than it appears at a glance -- because there is really only one application of each principle, while Truth applied in wisdom will have many applications. Leave this one on the shelf.
March 23, 2023
Overall, here are my thoughts
-his tone was that of a man. I know that sounds cliche but he was overly masculine and I didn’t enjoy his tone of voice. His jokes were not funny to me
-It is stuff I’ve heard before. Nothing new really. Truth, yes, but I didn’t enjoy the way he packaged it. Personal preference maybe but it did feel slightly outdated to me
-focusing on sin and the gospel sounds great and it probably is… but something about it just wasn’t interesting to me. Not to say it’s “wrong” but not my taste or I felt like Kevin and I in our marriage may not relate
-the story about emotional abuse (Gordon and Emma) in marriage really troubled me. I don’t agree with the way he presented it.
It might be a good handbook to teach out of in marriage classes because he does lay down some great truths. I could probably pick out themes and talk about them to married couples but I don’t know that I would recommend the book to everyone. Maybe if I felt they would relate to it
-his tone was that of a man. I know that sounds cliche but he was overly masculine and I didn’t enjoy his tone of voice. His jokes were not funny to me
-It is stuff I’ve heard before. Nothing new really. Truth, yes, but I didn’t enjoy the way he packaged it. Personal preference maybe but it did feel slightly outdated to me
-focusing on sin and the gospel sounds great and it probably is… but something about it just wasn’t interesting to me. Not to say it’s “wrong” but not my taste or I felt like Kevin and I in our marriage may not relate
-the story about emotional abuse (Gordon and Emma) in marriage really troubled me. I don’t agree with the way he presented it.
It might be a good handbook to teach out of in marriage classes because he does lay down some great truths. I could probably pick out themes and talk about them to married couples but I don’t know that I would recommend the book to everyone. Maybe if I felt they would relate to it
January 11, 2021
It's becoming glaringly obvious I don't like self-help books very much. It took me over a year to pull myself through this one, so that gives you an idea of how entertaining I found it.
I know, I know, it's not supposed to be entertaining - but, really, I don't feel like it added anything new to my knowledge about marriage. I feel like the main points of the book could be easily summarised in just one chapter, without missing out on anything. No point in dragging it out on so many pages.
On the plus side, the author does make some good points, and the theology seems solid. I'm sure it's helpful for some people.
I know, I know, it's not supposed to be entertaining - but, really, I don't feel like it added anything new to my knowledge about marriage. I feel like the main points of the book could be easily summarised in just one chapter, without missing out on anything. No point in dragging it out on so many pages.
On the plus side, the author does make some good points, and the theology seems solid. I'm sure it's helpful for some people.
January 9, 2018
For any Christian marriage who needs a reminder of what their marriage is intended for. I can’t recommend this book enough & I’m sure I’ll be turning back to it again and again. Biblical principles and a lot of scripture to back up his statements.
June 15, 2009
The title was all that should have been written. And it is a good title.
Please let your relationships have romance. Claim your freedom in Christ not wallow in your failures.
Please let your relationships have romance. Claim your freedom in Christ not wallow in your failures.
January 3, 2020
Excelente libro para leer idealmente antes del matrimonio, si no a comienzos de esta etapa.
Ayuda a tener un corazón compasivo y perdonador en nuestro matrimonio.
Ayuda a tener un corazón compasivo y perdonador en nuestro matrimonio.
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