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Generation to Generation: Family Process in Church and Synagogue
This acclaimed, influential work applies the concepts of systemic family therapy to the emotional life of congregations. Edwin H. Friedman shows how the same understanding of family process that can aid clergy in their pastoral role also has important ramifications for negotiating congregational dynamics and functioning as an effective leader. Clergy from diverse denominations, as well as family therapists and counselors, have found that this book directly addresses the dilemmas and crises they encounter daily. It is widely used as a text in courses on pastoral care, leadership, and family systems.
319 pages, Hardcover
First published July 19, 1985
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 68 reviews
June 28, 2011
This was a really good book, which I discovered when Rich Bledsoe recommended it in a lecture. I'm very glad I picked it up. The book is on family process counseling, which refuses to treat humans as isolated individuals like most other counseling practices. Rather, family process views you as part of a family system or dynamic, interwoven with the relationship you have with parents, siblings, grandparents, husband, wife, children, etc.
The books strong point is on evaluating problem people. He argues that most of the time the person who gets sent to the counseller has been determined to be the problem in the family. Friedman believes otherwise, arguing that most of the time the person who is "acting out" is actually caught up in a bigger problem in the relationship dynamic. In fact, he argues that the "problem" person is most likely caught in a triangulation with other people in the relationship and that the other people in the dynamic are unconsciously scapegoating the problem person.
Take a husband and wife. Suddenly the husband starts to drink a lot, and the wife begins to nag and nag because she is worried about the problems the drinking will create, and the husband drinks more and more. Friedman says this is a triangulation between the husband, the drinking and the wife. The stress the wife feels becomes a sort of atonement for the husband; the more she nags the more he feels alleviated from the guilt of the drinking, and keeps him from having to face his own problem. The problem isn't with the wife, it's with the drinking. So Friedman suggests a process of de-triangulation, where the wife gets out from between the husband and the problem, which forces him to face his problem and change. In other words, the wife stops letting the husband put the stress of his drinking on her, meaning that now the stress must flow to where it ought to be flowing anyway, onto himself. Then, feeling the stress, he must actually deal with the problem.
It is a very interesting book, and other chapters in the book describe the family process system. He develops a way of talking to people about it and gives examples of real counseling sessions he's had that give the theory a concrete standing. Later chapters discuss how family process actually impacts physical health, and how people caught in triangulation can actually develop physical problems; but when they manage to de-triangulate themselves, the problems vanish. I will definitely be reading more about family process in the future.
The books strong point is on evaluating problem people. He argues that most of the time the person who gets sent to the counseller has been determined to be the problem in the family. Friedman believes otherwise, arguing that most of the time the person who is "acting out" is actually caught up in a bigger problem in the relationship dynamic. In fact, he argues that the "problem" person is most likely caught in a triangulation with other people in the relationship and that the other people in the dynamic are unconsciously scapegoating the problem person.
Take a husband and wife. Suddenly the husband starts to drink a lot, and the wife begins to nag and nag because she is worried about the problems the drinking will create, and the husband drinks more and more. Friedman says this is a triangulation between the husband, the drinking and the wife. The stress the wife feels becomes a sort of atonement for the husband; the more she nags the more he feels alleviated from the guilt of the drinking, and keeps him from having to face his own problem. The problem isn't with the wife, it's with the drinking. So Friedman suggests a process of de-triangulation, where the wife gets out from between the husband and the problem, which forces him to face his problem and change. In other words, the wife stops letting the husband put the stress of his drinking on her, meaning that now the stress must flow to where it ought to be flowing anyway, onto himself. Then, feeling the stress, he must actually deal with the problem.
It is a very interesting book, and other chapters in the book describe the family process system. He develops a way of talking to people about it and gives examples of real counseling sessions he's had that give the theory a concrete standing. Later chapters discuss how family process actually impacts physical health, and how people caught in triangulation can actually develop physical problems; but when they manage to de-triangulate themselves, the problems vanish. I will definitely be reading more about family process in the future.
February 19, 2019
If you've never read Friedman, I wouldn't recommend this one first. It's not clear to me that he had an editor or at least a very engaged one. Nonetheless, having read other essays and books, this was great and expanded into areas I would have never guessed. It seems to me we are all unqualified to be humans.
August 31, 2022
Incredibly helpful and insightful, if I could do half stars I would remove 0.5 because of how utilitarian it is without a true living God in view.
April 5, 2022
Utter masterpiece and entirely practical.
April 2, 2014
Lots of content but not much on the practicality. There were many examples but not much given on how to work with this idea more effectively.
October 23, 2023
My experience with this ran the gambit of hot and cold. I really loved the early chapters, which offer a pretty thorough and accessible introduction to the foundational tenets of family systems theory. Triangles, symmetry, identified patients, differentiation, etc. are all really resonant, dynamic, and applicable frameworks that undeniably struck a chord with me and my own personal experiences and outside observations. But we waded into more iffy territory from there. Friedman is a man of his time, and this has some some pretty cringey and at times egregious comments about people of color, queer people, and women that are jarring to read in the 2020s. It undermines much of what he's attempting to do, especially after reading his claim that all aspects of family systems theory somehow transcend culture completely. Further, while this may be my own personal preference, I often found his examples of what the pastor/rabbi/counselor could say in session to be contrarian and quacky. There's definitely something to be said about avoiding the role of the expert sage and drawing upon humor and confrontation, but the "counselor" often read as a condescending bully rather than someone invested in honoring the stories and struggles of those they're caring for. Who knows, maybe I'm just a millennial snowflake who can't handle the heat, but such is the nature of the beast that I now get to evaluate the relevance of his work for today. I'll definitely be eating the meat here, as I spit out the bones. Also, since I read this as a chaplain rather than a congregational pastor, I only skimmed the final third of the book.
October 30, 2021
I liked the first half better then the second half.
February 21, 2017
The first two chapters are wonderfully helpful. Friedman's explanation of family systems and process, as opposed to content issues and solutions, and the basic rules of triangles within the systems process, are well laid out and easily understandable.
Beyond that, however, Friedman gets a little scary and, honestly, it's hard to see beyond those bits. Look, there is no question that mental and spiritual health affect physical health. But to say that, by using family systems process, one might be able to establish a more balanced relationship with one's family of origin to then see better results in one's new family and voile, also be healed of cancer, is outright dangerous to me. Again, I don't disagree with the premise that the body's ability to fight cancer might be stronger with a healthier mind and spirit, which one can get through family systems processing, but the number of times Friedman uses cancer remission, or other like serious health or relationship claims, in this work is staggering. What does that then tell us, as a leader or lay person? That to have a serious disease we are not doing our job right?
After chapter two, I simply cannot endorse any of this.
Beyond that, however, Friedman gets a little scary and, honestly, it's hard to see beyond those bits. Look, there is no question that mental and spiritual health affect physical health. But to say that, by using family systems process, one might be able to establish a more balanced relationship with one's family of origin to then see better results in one's new family and voile, also be healed of cancer, is outright dangerous to me. Again, I don't disagree with the premise that the body's ability to fight cancer might be stronger with a healthier mind and spirit, which one can get through family systems processing, but the number of times Friedman uses cancer remission, or other like serious health or relationship claims, in this work is staggering. What does that then tell us, as a leader or lay person? That to have a serious disease we are not doing our job right?
After chapter two, I simply cannot endorse any of this.
December 3, 2020
Triangles are not something to get out of. Rather triangles are dangerous when they cease to be dynamic: Daughter, Father, Mother--in a healthy triangle: one moment it is daughter and mother doing, being together with father on the outside. The next moment it is mother and father doing, being together with daughter on the outside. The next is the daughter and father doing, being together with the mother on the outside. The triangle is fluid, moving, dynamic—healthy. An unhealthy triangle is when the mother and father are doing, being together with the daughter stuck on the outside. Stuck. We are in multiple triangles, a family of origin, extended family, school, work, friends, etc. Some triangles are healthy, some are not. When we find a triangle that is stuck we are able to be agents of wellbeing and energize movement.
September 10, 2018
This is an important book for pastors to read. Not an easy read. The first 2/3 of the book describes family systems and how they work. These chapters are essential to understanding the emotional systems in a congregation and in a pastors family (the last 1/3). Friedman helps clergy see how differentiation of self from the congregation is essential (being both separate but connected; neither withdrawn nor enmeshed/fused). It explains why a lot of church conflict isn't really about the pastor and how through detriangling a pastor can lead his church to greater health in their personal lives (their homes and their family of origin). Read slowly and carefully. The author is a Jewish Rabbi so some of the illustrations may be difficult for Christian leaders.
March 27, 2019
I read this racist, sexist, homophobic piece of drivel for work. 1984 writing with a 50s twist. I couldn’t get past his biases against women and “blacks”, and it’s disturbing how others seem to read right past it and rate the book highly. Was there good info in there? Sure. But I hope that someone more current can write about family systems in a way that doesn’t condescend to 75% of the human population. In addition, he makes some crazy anti-scientific claims about the mind-body connection that refers too readily to cancer remissions and quick healing of auto-immune disorders etc. I’m surprised he didn’t use the word hysteria. Ugh.
April 17, 2024
Such a helpful book! Assigned to me for one of my counseling classes. Still processing all that I have read and still have to write a response paper.
Each person is from a family system that greatly impacts and shapes that person, hence family systems approach to counseling or therapy.
Each person is from a family system that greatly impacts and shapes that person, hence family systems approach to counseling or therapy.
May 13, 2020
Quite dense, and it took me forever to get through it, but the breadth of Friedman's insight into human dysfunction is astounding. This and Failure of Nerve have legitimately changed my life.
I'll be re-reading his stuff for the rest of my life, I'm sure.
I'll be re-reading his stuff for the rest of my life, I'm sure.
January 5, 2022
A slow moving textbook with a jewel on each page. Thought provoking, giving room to see case studies where the intervention from family process lifts and moves obstacles that have bogged people down for generations.
April 4, 2017
One of the most important, in the short list of books that changed my life! It's that good
June 5, 2018
This book contains many helpful insights. It is also contains content that is racist, sexist, and homophobic.
January 6, 2020
This could be the most important book I’ve read in my ministry as a pastor. Absolutely crucial. I’ll read it again.
April 12, 2019
This is one of those classic books that sort of has to sit on clergy-folks' shelves whether you're really a fan of it or not, but fortunately I'm a fan. Friedman takes the family systems theory developed by Bowen and applies it to the complicated life of spiritual leaders, and he takes great pains to emphasize that it's any spiritual leader. I'm not sure I would totally agree with that because of how diverse some "congregations" are, but the core concept of person-leading-a-faith-body (usually found in the Abrahamic traditions, i.e. imams, rabbis, and pastors) holds. The main concept is that faith leaders have three interlocking spheres ("triangles") that affect each other: professional as in our denomination/tradition/oversees, professional as in our congregation, and personal as in our families (of origin and by marriage). Friedman uses cases studies and theory explanations to examine just how those three lean on and distort each other, and how we can effectively learn to lead in healthy ways.
The main problem with this (beyond the cut-and-dried nature of a lot of Friedman's case studies, which is just a product of that kind of writing) is that it is absolutely lodged in its time. The cases are pretty sexist, the understanding of family is very mom/dad/kids, and the expectations are extremely dated. The theory underneath, however, is sound. The points Friedman is making still hold up extremely well (how to leave and enter a new congregation come immediately to mind) and I will absolutely continue referencing this throughout my career. You do have to look past the language itself, though.
The main problem with this (beyond the cut-and-dried nature of a lot of Friedman's case studies, which is just a product of that kind of writing) is that it is absolutely lodged in its time. The cases are pretty sexist, the understanding of family is very mom/dad/kids, and the expectations are extremely dated. The theory underneath, however, is sound. The points Friedman is making still hold up extremely well (how to leave and enter a new congregation come immediately to mind) and I will absolutely continue referencing this throughout my career. You do have to look past the language itself, though.
June 25, 2017
A text for CPE - this is a re-read, as I encountered this book in my Ministry of Pastoral Care class - a must read for any pastor that does counseling ----from the publisher: This acclaimed, influential work applies the concepts of systemic family therapy to the emotional life of congregations. Edwin H. Friedman shows how the same understanding of family process that can aid clergy in their pastoral role also has important ramifications for negotiating congregational dynamics and functioning as an effective leader. Clergy from diverse denominations, as well as family therapists and counselors, have found that this book directly addresses the dilemmas and crises they encounter daily. It is widely used as a text in courses on family systems and pastoral care.
May 9, 2023
I'm giving this book 3-1/2 stars in my Reading Log. It had some very good insights into generational sins/conflicts and the impact they can have on individuals' lives & health, which does not often get mentioned in the modern world. The idea of utilizing a "family process" which takes this into account, as well as the need for de-triangulating relationships and actualizing self-realization, were the foundational insights in this book, which is not written ultimately from a biblical perspective. But there are truths & insights all around us to learn from & to implement, as long as they are not diametrically opposed to biblical truths.
February 22, 2023
After reading A Failure of Nerve, I knew I needed to swim upstream and get acquainted with this work as well. I would easily give this 5-stars, but the work is fairly repetitive and full of case studies that makes for pretty tedious reading. But, my goodness, for the patient soul, there is gold on every page. I've definitely hit a new vein of thought that has enriched my life immensely. Very grateful for this material.
April 27, 2019
Loved it and learned much about how family therapy is so beneficial to figuring out why an individual in the family system is struggling or manifesting a symptom. It's written by a Jewish rabbi and I think all leaders of congregations would benefit from it, especially LDS bishops who could use a little therapy training.
July 10, 2019
WOW. This book is a game changer for anyone in full-time religious ministry. It took me more than a year to finally finish it because 1) the paradigm changing material requires time to digest, and 2) it's not all equally relevant so some parts are a slog. I'll keep coming back to this book but also keep looking for other books that introduce family systems in easier to understand nuggets.
June 16, 2022
Easily the most significant book I've ever read in terms of understanding ministry and family dynamics. Friedman has given me so many frameworks for understanding self, dysfunction, leadership, relational drama and responsibility.
It has changed the way I see my marriage, my extended family, my ministry and my calling. So grateful for this book.
It has changed the way I see my marriage, my extended family, my ministry and my calling. So grateful for this book.
August 17, 2022
It's good. It has some good suggestions for recognizing issues in relationships and how to navigate them. It was written in the 80's so it is somewhat outdated especially when it comes to mother blaming and women in general. However, it is a very useful text. At some point it would be nice to have an updated book written with new information.
June 23, 2020
Great representation of the utility of family systems theory
This book offers a reminder of the power of family systems theory and Bowen family therapy concepts in multiple areas of life. Explains the occurrence of family process in faith organizations and systems.
This book offers a reminder of the power of family systems theory and Bowen family therapy concepts in multiple areas of life. Explains the occurrence of family process in faith organizations and systems.
August 16, 2021
As I read this I have been able to review decisions, both good and bad, over my years in ministry. There has been some unintentional cleverness and some unintentional harm. Family Systems Theory has a lot to offer congregational leaders.
July 22, 2017
A real paradigm change.
February 5, 2018
It is an excellent introduction to Family Systems Theory and will be a good resource for me in ministry. This is not a book to be read once, though, as the information is voluminous.
July 10, 2018
Extremly eye opening. Very helpful and let me see how generational processes hhave impacted myself and my family.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 68 reviews