Dispatches from a Not-So-Perfect Life: Or How I Learned to Love the House, the Man, the Child

by Faulkner Fox

When Salon.com published Faulkner Fox’s article on motherhood, “What I Learned from Losing My Mind,” the response was so overwhelming that Salon reran the piece twice. The experience made Faulkner realize that she was not alone—that the country is full of women who are anxious and conflicted about their roles as mothers and wives.

In Dispatches from a Not-So-Perfect Life , her provocative, brutally honest, and often hilarious memoir of motherhood, Faulkner explores the causes of her unhappiness, as well as the societal and cultural forces that American mothers have to contend with. From the time of her first pregnancy, Faulkner found herself—and her body—scrutinized by doctors, friends, strangers, and, perhaps most of all, herself. In addition to the significant social pressures of raising the perfect child and being the perfect mom, Faulkner also found herself increasingly incensed by the unequal distribution of household labor and infuriated by the gender inequity in both her home and others’. And though she loves her children and her husband passionately, is thankful for her bountiful middle-class life, and feels wracked with guilt for being unhappy, she just can’t seem to experience the sense of satisfaction that she thought would come with the package. She’s finally got it all—the husband, the house, the kids, an interesting part-time job, even a few hours a week to write—so why does she feel so conflicted?

Faulkner sheds light on the fear, confusion, and isolation experienced by many new mothers, mapping the terrain of contemporary domesticity, marriage, and motherhood in a voice that is candid, irreverent, and deeply personal, while always chronicling the unparalleled joy she and other mothers take in their children.

Genres: Parenting, Memoir, Nonfiction

272 pages, Hardcover

First published November 16, 2003

About the author

Faulkner Fox lives in Durham, North Carolina, where she writes and teaches creative writing at Duke University. She is a voting rights activist, working toward the full enfranchisement of all North Carolina's citizens.

Reviews

[Gina · Rating 4 out of 5]

Another book from a local, Duke professor. I enjoyed this one very much. The author talks candidly about her transition to motherhood and the difficulties she experienced in trying to find a “tribe.” She looks honestly at how women judge the proficiency of mothering of each other and of themselves, how society judges mothers and freely offers criticism but rarely support, how isolating motherhood can be, how women deal with their own ambition, and how rarely the division of “shared” household and child-rearing labor between partners is equitable. I can definitely relate to many of the situations and feelings the author mentions, and I agree with her on several counts. There are a few places, however, where I think she answers her own questions but fails to see it and proposes alternative solutions. The alternatives have merit, but they provide an incomplete picture without an understanding of how they relate to the other fundamental aspects she has cast aside. All in all, an honest, thought-provoking read about a subject I struggle with, in some respect, on a daily basis, even after almost half a lifetime as a parent.

[Beth Gordon · Rating 2 out of 5]

Let's start out with the good. The author has the coolest name ever. I would love to be named Faulkner Fox.

And then there's the book. Have you ever wanted to stab an author? This was my first time in wanting to commit homicide. I know, I should have just put the book down; it would have done wonders for my blood pressure.

I couldn't stand her tone - it was whiny, it was annoying, it was overprivileged, it was completely ungracious, it was petty. I don't need to hear her two birthing stories over 50 pages, like she's the only woman who has ever given birth. I really want to smack this woman.

But she has a cool name.

[Amber · Rating 2 out of 5]

I have to admit I stopped about a third of the way through. Her domestic scorekeeping and anger at all the unfair decisions involved in motherhood hit a little too close to home. It was like me, on my most bitter day, ramped up to 10. It was a good cautionary tale for me...

[Andrea · Rating 3 out of 5]

Spoilers included.
Started this book. It makes me terribly lonely. It hits right on how I feel sometimes. It makes me want to run away. And I'm not even through the first story. I don't know how this is going to go. Will I continue longing for something which I cannot have or will I embrace what I have and be happy with the situation I am in? I guess that is my choice and is probably what the whole book is about. However, lately I find myself daydreamiing about my college days. I believe I am remembering them through rose-colored glasses, but I feel like I didn't do enough during them. I feel like a part of me was left behind and a part of me needs to revisit and have closure with them. What if my whole life turns out this way? What if I always look back and think that I would like to live through this time or that time all over again even though I should be perfectly satisfied where I am at this point in time? Good grief.
After the first chapter, the author is an easy read and incorporates much wit into otherwise monotonous topics. Her stories on childbirth are dead on to my personal experience and once again hit the nail right on the head as far as reality goes, but this time I am OK with it. I sat down last night and read over 100 pages in a sitting and I'm a slow reader.
OK, so I got past the childbirth stories and was back into the drudgery. This woman, who proclaims she is a feminist is so caught up in comparisons and wanting to be what everyone else wants her to be that it seems she just can't be herself which is why she is so unhappy. She forgets to look at other women as equals and claims that staying at home as a mother is like a lesser class as though she got a "demotion" when she started working from home as opposed to working away from the home. I understand that this is how she was feeling, but I can't help but feel that as she judges herself so critically, she would judge me too.
Also, this childish score keeping of her husband is ridiculous. I can't imagine all of the time she spent on keeping score of how many diapers her husband changed and whether they were poopy or not or how many 15-minute increments her husband took care of the kids as compared to her never-ending care taking. I can't help but feel that this is terribly childish. Sure, everyone does this sometimes, but I can't imagine keeping score for YEARS! It seems terribly juvenile and irresponsible. She feels that people judge her for taking time away from her kids to do something productive such as write a book when really, the score-keeping is what got me as an injustice to her kids.
Also, I am all for untraditional roles and look fondly at stay-at-home fathers, but this woman feels like everyone is looking at her the way that she looks at them--in a judgemental tone. She doesn't think to look at other people as individuals. She looks at them as groups of people: White-Middle-Class-Stay-At-Home-Moms-At-Gymboree. I could be one of those people... but I am an individual first and would like to be looked at as such. I would like to think that even if I fall into this category, I am still a person even if my life does revolve around my kids. Also, I would just like to say that, sure, I DO wonder what the UPS man thinks, sometimes, when both Matt and I are home with the kids during the middle of the day. I DO wonder what people think when we are out in the middle of the day eating at a restaurant. I hope that they think: HOW COOL! Look, there is a family who makes the most of their time together as a family. Look, the dad is changing the diaper almost every time I stop to drop off a package. Look, there is a guy who helps out. It doesn't matter who bring in the money or who changes the diapers or who puts the kids to sleep. It matters that it gets done. It matters that there are kids to do all this stuff with. Sure, I would love to count sleeping hours, but I think that would only make me terribly bitter. I would love to count how many times in a day I change diapers, sing songs, wash dishes, kiss babies. But that isn't my job, is it? My job is to be their mother--whether I work outside the home or not.
I can say, though, that with her darkness, sense of humor, education, and all of her qualities, that I would probably be friends with her if she would give me the opportunity. She is utterly honest and I enjoy that. She is a talker and enjoys analyzing things and I enjoy that. She is educated and places importance on education for her kids and I appreciate that. She loves her kids as I do mine. She loves her husband as I do mine. She wants to expose her kids to things that most kids wouldn't get to experience as do I. She wants friends as do I. I just don't think that she would give me a chance based on what she sees on the outside of me, and that makes me sad for her and for me. I can deal with having a friend who has different beliefs, different background, different lifestyle. I don't think I can deal with having a friend who is so terribly judgemental and just plain mean.
I am happy for her that she has come out of the funk. I don't think the kids will be tormented by her book as she fears... as long as they make it to the end of the book before they put it down and look at their mother as though they do not know her. I, personally, really enjoyed the ending of the book. I thought that her Stonehenge Story was priceless. What a memorable experience, if not what she thought it was going to be, for the whole family. I guess it really sums up the book: If you have plans for one thing and then it ends up working out a different way, are you going to throw away the whole experience because it isn't going the way you want it to, or are you going to enjoy the experience for what it is and make it your own. The same is true for motherhood and life in general.
started: 2/16/08
finsihed:2/19/08
256pps

[Stephanie · Rating 5 out of 5]

From the inside flap "Faulkner explores the causes of her unhappiness as well as the societal and cultural forces that American mothers have to contend with. And though she loves her children and her husband passionately, is thankful for her bountiful middle-class life, and feels wracked with guilt for being unhappy, she just can’t seem to experience the sense of satisfaction that she thought would come with the package.”

I recommend this book to any mother struggling with motherhood and anger. This was not a "how to make it better" book but more of a "here is someone I can relate to (somewhat)." It made me feel better to know that there was someone else who got angry over the depleting and unequal roles that woman have as mothers.

Here are lots of quotes from the book that resonated with me or made me laugh:
Pg. 34 “As soon as I told Duncan I was on board, I started to dread the effort. What would we cook? How much time would it take to minimally straighten the chaos? Our time seems so precious; this is unquestionably part of what ails me. Why do something on purpose that would cause more domestic work, a time-sucking arena both of us claim to despise?”

Pg. 49 “ Too often I saw my needs in direct competition with my infant’s. I could either breastfeed or eat. Sleep or comfort my child. Forget exercise, leisure, relaxation – they didn’t even make it into the game. It wasn’t much of a game, really since the baby’s needs nearly always won out.”

Pg. 141 “ “I took the kids last night so you could go to your book club, “ Duncan said. “I hate my book club. We read really bad books and it upsets me. For most of the women book club is the only time they get away from their husband and kids, and that upsets me more.” Something’s got to change. I am going crazy here.” Pg. 202 “Book groups are to the new millennium what Consciousness Raising was…for the 1970’s” Pg. 201 “Perhaps book group was largely a way to escape from our current lives for a few hours a month – through reading about experiences divergent from our own.”

Pg. 148 “ I was either working like a maid or a cow about 90% of the time. While Duncan thought, taught, and wrote (all of which I missed terribly). I cleaned, grocery-shopped, prepared meals, and breasted. My daily work came entirely from my body while Duncan’s came primarily from his mind. In this way, we defined people of different class, and I’d been demoted.” “It’s unnerving, lonely, and infuriating to fee separate in such stark terms from someone you used to be like, someone you still call partner. While I had moved into a shockingly separate sphere I knew full well that I had not dropped a class notch… Nothing more clearly marks a contemporary American woman as middle-class or upper-middle class…than stay-at-home breastfeeding… No one lese can afford to do it.”

Pg. 154 “But other men weren’t my standard. My standard was me - as long as Duncan was doing less than I was, I was angry.”

Pg. 189 “ “Me hostile? “ “Well people don’t always realize that you’re joking when you say something dark.” “I’m not always joking.” “Well, people don’t like that, focusing on the dark. They’ve all had hard days like we have. They probably just want to relax, talk about something positive.” “

Pg. 191
“What had happened to me?”
“I’d become the monitor of petty details, the queen of judgements, and it was poisoning my life.”
“My own evaluative small mindedness caused me for more distress, actually, than whatever judgements I perceived as coming at me from other mothers.”

Pg. 197
“As I felt my own self slipping through stress, sleep depravation, lack of tier, interruption, an utterly demoralizing amount of laundry, and the corrosive effects of constant guilt, I was looking more that ever for friends with rock-solid selves, boisterous women like those I’d always loved – women who could shore me up and inspire me to greater levels of self-acceptance rather than stir up anxieties that tended to cause even more self-doubt.”

Pg. 207 “Do you ever dream of going to the hospital [for a break from it all:]?”


------------
Something’s that Faulkner did to try and help herself:
- Frequent parenting miles - keeping a score card
- Focusing on her work – part time
- Taking “work retreats”
- Dedication to “the joint project”
- Saw a therapist, then saw a minister
- Admitted to having a social sickness
- Just the passing of time – kids get older more independent
- She yearned for a conscious raising group - instead wrote this book
- Read poems and books about motherhood
--------------

[Ellen C · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book put to words so much of what I have felt as I have moved into the world of motherhood. For the longest time I used to ask what is wrong with me? Why don't I enjoy the day to day world of a stay at home mother to young children? Why do i get antsy during mommy and me activities and want to leave? Why do i not enjoy breastfeeding pr co sleeping or doing baby genius flash cards?And then the ensuing guilt over not loving every waking moment as a mother was overwhelming. Fox struggled with all these things until someone she calls " mr truth" told her she was fine and it didn't matter if he absolutely hated children's cartoons or resented the pressure from other moms to step in line and pretend she loved gymboree. What mattered was that she loved her children and standing idly by watching her own identity dwindle in self sacrifice was not the way to show love to her children. Why should women have overwhelming guilt over wanting life outside the home? I have to be honest, when I dream I dream of going back to school and doing work that I find meaningful and that I believe will have a positive impact on the world and my family I am the mother of two girls and I want to set the example for them that you can have love for family and children and be involves and engaged in their lives without losing who you are and sacrificing all of your self to do it. I love my children deeply, in a way that only a mother could understand, but given the choice between a sing a long and spending the day reading and laughing my kids I will skip the ore approved " good mother" activities any day.

[Danine · Rating 1 out of 5]

This review is based on the fact that I could not make it past the first chapter. I enjoy memoirs by mothers but I enjoy them if they are witty and humorous. This book did not deliever the humor or wit that I've grown to love in mommy memoirs.

This is a cliche story of an average mother's life. Maybe that is why people are drawn to the book because they can relate to the humdrum of daily life. I don't want cliche. I want to be offered a different and fresh perspective of motherhood that I didn't think about before. This book covers the basics. Childbirth is painful, motherhood is not what we had expected, husbands don't get what it's like to be us. Blah. Blah. Blah. BFD. The book wasn't edgy enough for me. I don't necessarily want tragedy and struggle but I don't want to read about what I can go find at the nearest lame mommy group either.

Maybe the book does get better. I don't know. All I know is that I couldn't get past the first chapter and that is where my bias comes from.

[Jessica · Rating 4 out of 5]

Dispatches from a not-so-perfect life by Faulkner Fox is her account of how her life changed when she had children. I really appreciate her honesty in how much she struggled with cutting back on work and missing it, but feeling guilty when she was working, and all the frustration of having small children. I appreciate her honesty even more because I don't think I want to have children and she doesn't glamorize it at all. In fact she was admittedly very unhappy for the first few years of her children's lives. She also talks about how hard it is to evenly divide home and child care with a spouse who is the "primary breadwinner" and how even harder it was for her to meet other mother-friends that she could really connect with. This is a funny and extremely honest account of one woman's years with young children.

[Deb (Readerbuzz) Nance · Rating 4 out of 5]

Faulkner Fox has it all---a home, a job
she loves, a husband she adores, and two delightful sons. Yet,
somehow, she feels a disquieting sense of unhappiness. This book is
her attempt to come to terms with her feelings about motherhood amid
a culture that promotes not only selfless devotion to one's children
but also the ambitious strivings of modern women.

Though my own baby-steeped days have now passed, I can clearly
remember my own angst during those difficult early years at home. Fox
does a good job of trying to figure out the why, why, why of her
unhappiness while at the same time reminding us all of the
simultaneous bubbly joy of spending time with the fascinating little
beings our children often are. I'd recommend this for all moms, past
and present.

[Sarah · Rating 2 out of 5]

I found it really hard to sympathize with Fox during most of this book. Her life is pretty darn good compared with 89% of women around the world. Plus, I'm all about equal gender rights but I'm far from a feminist; I don't feel oppressed or like the world is against me because I'm a woman.

With that said, I did enjoy this book for two reasons: I related to her life in Texas (I moved here from the East Coast not long ago) and her difficulty relating to other moms. I, too, have to search long and hard to find mom friends who still have a sense of self... who aren't totally wrapped up in their kids' lives.

All in all, this was a decent book, but I think it might be an even better read for moms who have actually lost said self. It might be a wake up call.

[Jo · Rating 4 out of 5]

an honest look at motherhood from the feminist perspective--what happens when you acknowledge all that is wrong with the patriarchal system that we live under, and then get married and have children, and want the best for them. you still want the best for yourself. and what's wrong with that?
and how does one deal with that, on a day-to-day basis? fox brings both a literary eye and a analytical style in this volume. the citations, as well as fox's own admittance as a control-freak, allow the reader to understand how the academic brain functions outside of an academic setting.
overall this book is interesting and well-thought out.

[Laurel · Rating 3 out of 5]

Sometimes annoying, sometimes interesting book concerning feminism and family by another self-centered and privileged memoirist. I related to some of the concepts but others lost me-- the idea that Gymboree is a tool of the man... the irresistible compulsion to be judgmental of the parenting choices of others... Maybe I'm lucky but I haven't experienced a crisis of self with motherhood either; if anything, I feel a greater sense of self and pride in my individuality than before. Sure I have less time for myself now but I would've wasted it watching Rock of Love anyway.

[Dorothy · Rating 3 out of 5]

If you're feeling angry about motherhood, this is the book for you; mostly I felt badly for how incredibly enraged she was over everything surrounding motherhood, much of it, I thought was her own making; however, it did get me to wonder if I wasn't having the typical societal reaction that women should be so happy and selfless that she was talking about since I, too, have often felt angry at aspects of mothering; however, I think (and hope) I have a somewhat more balanced perspective than she did; overall, a compelling read

[Martha · Rating 2 out of 5]

Maybe I've read too many of these, (and this one was written a while ago, so it's probably not fair to compare it to the recent influx of these type of books) but this one seemed particularly whiny and annoying. I wanted to like it, because I really should relate. Much like Eat, Pray, Love...it just left me cold. And it's petty, but really...if your parents financed your Harvard education please stop repeatedly referring to yourself as "middle class."

[AJ Conroy · Rating 4 out of 5]

One of the better mommy memoirs. Written by a feminist struggling to keep her sense of self. No advice, just her personal observations. I found it highly relate-able and inspiring, except the part were she really only gets to feeling normal after both kids are verbal. But at least she gets to a good place, so that makes it hopeful. And, she doesn't have nannies or a rich husband like so many of the other authors I've read.

[Becky · Rating 4 out of 5]

I could have written this book! Only I can't put my feelings into words- but she nailed it. A great review of the mental struggles of life choices between being a mom and being a career woman. At times I thought this book a little whiney (pregnancy, childbirth) but the rest of it, she got it right on! I am NOT ALONE!

[Molly · Rating 4 out of 5]

it is a deeply personal book and therefore reflects the idiosyncrasies of the author. there were long sections that were not so interesting, but then the sections that were relevant made me laugh and cry and want to recommend this book to everyone I knew.

[Juli Simon Thomas · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was great and it makes me want to write all my experiences down in gruesomely honest detail. I love her writing style and I also agree with her on most every point raised. It's not the most uplifting or lighthearted book, but it is a book I wish I could discuss with many other new mothers.

[Kate · Rating 4 out of 5]

The subtitle is very misleading, and I don't see any evidence of the material gathered from interviewing other mothers. However, I liked her writing and empathized with her issues with unequal distribution of homework. But, thankfully, my baby is significantly less taxing than either of hers.

[Marty · Rating 2 out of 5]

Anti- war and anti- capital punishment but rabidly pro-abortion, Ms. Fox is a bundle of angst. Parts of this book are very funny and several of her insights are rather inspired. However, the remainder is self-indulgent whining.

[R · Rating 3 out of 5]

Kind of a rough read, because she is having such a hard time throughout most of the book, struggling with issues that in a certain way don't have any answer -- how feminism and motherhood and co-parenting work in our culture. She's a smart woman, but was all that suffering really necessary?

[Ann Diab · Rating 4 out of 5]

Fascinating glimpse of gender roles and expectations you may not have otherwise noticed even if you thought you bore some feminist tendencies. Very thought-provoking. I really appreciate being able to share in the author's journey.

[Erin · Rating 3 out of 5]

The author had this uncanny way of verbalizing how I had been feeling at the time. Also...the main character reminded me a lot of Courtney.

[Lia · Rating 1 out of 5]

I only read this because it was in the breakroom at work.

[Maria · Rating 3 out of 5]

I alternated between wanting to slap the author and thinking she was brilliant...Somehow I don't think I'm going to be the type of mom who's fulfilled by going to Gymboree with my baby.

[Erin]

Fox details her experience as a feminist and mother during her sons' early childhood. Dark humor, angst and outright anxiety follow. Didn't love her POV, but I couldn't stop reading it.

[Anne]

Another happy surprise found in the $2 bargain bin - a great little read.