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When Sorry Isn't Enough: Making Things Right with Those You Love
“I said I was sorry!”
Even in the best of relationships, all of us make mistakes. We do and say things we later regret and hurt the people we love most. So we need to make things right. But simply saying you’re sorry is usually not enough.
In this book, #1 New York Times bestselling author Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas unveil new ways to effectively approach and mend fractured relationships. Even better, you’ll discover how meaningful apologies provide the power to make your friendships, family, and marriage stronger than ever before.
When Sorry Isn’t Enough will help you . . .
Cool down heated arguments
Offer apologies that are fully accepted
Rekindle love that has been dimmed by pain
Restore and strengthen valuable relationships
Trade in tired excuses for honesty, trust, and joy
*This book was previously published as The Five Languages of Apology. Content has been significantly revised and updated.
Even in the best of relationships, all of us make mistakes. We do and say things we later regret and hurt the people we love most. So we need to make things right. But simply saying you’re sorry is usually not enough.
In this book, #1 New York Times bestselling author Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas unveil new ways to effectively approach and mend fractured relationships. Even better, you’ll discover how meaningful apologies provide the power to make your friendships, family, and marriage stronger than ever before.
When Sorry Isn’t Enough will help you . . .
Cool down heated arguments
Offer apologies that are fully accepted
Rekindle love that has been dimmed by pain
Restore and strengthen valuable relationships
Trade in tired excuses for honesty, trust, and joy
*This book was previously published as The Five Languages of Apology. Content has been significantly revised and updated.
176 pages, Paperback
First published April 22, 2013
628 people are currently reading
3066 people want to read
About the author
Gary Chapman
477 books3,465 followersGary Demonte Chapman is an American author and radio talk show host. Chapman is most noted for his The Five Love Languages series regarding human relationships.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 173 reviews
January 4, 2022
I'm atheist and I find the book has some good advices about apologies and forgiveness (kicking aside the God and Jesus talk).
The cheating husband (sometimes recidivist) is forgiven by his Christian wife. That goes strongly against my principles and against my definitions of self-respect, dignity, self-esteem and integrity, but what made me give only one star was the story of a physically abused woman, whose father was the rap!st, she stops talking to him for years and then she is encouraged (by Gary) to go talk to her father and ask him forgiveness because she was angry at him and she decided to not talk to him anymore.
She is the victim of one of the ugliest crimes committed by someone who should love her and protect her, and she has to go apologize!
It implicitly blames the victim for her reaction facing the facts and consequent feelings.
The mother realized what happened and she just tells the father "I don't know if I can forgive you; to think that this is what kept my baby away from me all these years". Almost like if the crime was not the worst, but the worst was the time lost with her daughter!
Definitively I will get rid of this book!
The cheating husband (sometimes recidivist) is forgiven by his Christian wife. That goes strongly against my principles and against my definitions of self-respect, dignity, self-esteem and integrity, but what made me give only one star was the story of a physically abused woman, whose father was the rap!st, she stops talking to him for years and then she is encouraged (by Gary) to go talk to her father and ask him forgiveness because she was angry at him and she decided to not talk to him anymore.
She is the victim of one of the ugliest crimes committed by someone who should love her and protect her, and she has to go apologize!
It implicitly blames the victim for her reaction facing the facts and consequent feelings.
The mother realized what happened and she just tells the father "I don't know if I can forgive you; to think that this is what kept my baby away from me all these years". Almost like if the crime was not the worst, but the worst was the time lost with her daughter!
Definitively I will get rid of this book!
February 9, 2015
This is one of those books that gets five stars mostly for saying what I needed to hear at a time I was ready and open to hearing it. I purchased the book at a homeschool conference last year with a particular relationship in mind, and this week, with a renewed desire to do some repair work in that relationship, I pulled the book of my shelf and proceeded to cry my way through it. Conviction and hope are a good combination.
Apologizing is one of those skills so far down on the list of things I'm good at, it's probably not even there. Apologizing makes me feel more than a little threatened (good old pride rearing it's head), so I rarely do it. This book not only convicted me about that tendency, it gave me tools to try to improve. I'm looking forward (in a fear and trepidation sort of way) to trying them out, and hoping they have a positive impact to resolving some long standing relational rifts.
If you struggle to apologize and/or have a relationship that has suffered damage which you would like to see healed, I'd recommend giving this book a try.
Apologizing is one of those skills so far down on the list of things I'm good at, it's probably not even there. Apologizing makes me feel more than a little threatened (good old pride rearing it's head), so I rarely do it. This book not only convicted me about that tendency, it gave me tools to try to improve. I'm looking forward (in a fear and trepidation sort of way) to trying them out, and hoping they have a positive impact to resolving some long standing relational rifts.
If you struggle to apologize and/or have a relationship that has suffered damage which you would like to see healed, I'd recommend giving this book a try.
October 23, 2022
Apologizing is so vital to our relationships and even ourselves. Thank you, Gary, for writing this book.
November 2, 2022
My bff listened to this audiobook before me and then I decided it would be interesting to listen it too.
If you have any issues to how to apologize people and yourself, this may be a good step to help you to start doing it .
I’ve learned some years ago that the first step to change yourself is to admit your fails or that you’re wrong . If you don’t realize that , it’ll probably be harder to get in your true self .
If you have any issues to how to apologize people and yourself, this may be a good step to help you to start doing it .
I’ve learned some years ago that the first step to change yourself is to admit your fails or that you’re wrong . If you don’t realize that , it’ll probably be harder to get in your true self .
December 3, 2024
4.25 out of 5 stars!
I took the Apology quiz on Chapman's website a few weeks ago and was blown away by the accuracy of my result. I immediately bought the corresponding book with an interest in bettering my communication with the people I love.
"When Sorry Isn't Enough" was wonderful, truly helpful and eye-opening to the way we treat others, either intentionally or unintentionally. I found out about my family's individual apology styles and about my own. I learned so much about myself and my needs and why I interpret apologies the way I do.
I knocked down my scoring a bit because it's worth noting a content warning for some of the topics explored in the forgiveness section. I really didn't agree with the way some of those situations were handled (or at least the way they were told to us– it's not like we have the full counselling journey), but I hope the people in these situations are finding healing.
I am very excited to make some margin notes and pass this book along to the people in my life.
I took the Apology quiz on Chapman's website a few weeks ago and was blown away by the accuracy of my result. I immediately bought the corresponding book with an interest in bettering my communication with the people I love.
"When Sorry Isn't Enough" was wonderful, truly helpful and eye-opening to the way we treat others, either intentionally or unintentionally. I found out about my family's individual apology styles and about my own. I learned so much about myself and my needs and why I interpret apologies the way I do.
I knocked down my scoring a bit because it's worth noting a content warning for some of the topics explored in the forgiveness section. I really didn't agree with the way some of those situations were handled (or at least the way they were told to us– it's not like we have the full counselling journey), but I hope the people in these situations are finding healing.
I am very excited to make some margin notes and pass this book along to the people in my life.
December 8, 2021
At the end of the book is a test to take and see which language of apology you are. The choices are making restitution, genuinely repenting, expressing regret, accepting responsibility, and requesting forgiveness. I ranked extremely high in making restitution and personally think you need to cover all five in an apology. I don't see them as five separate ways to apologize.
Things I liked from the book...
Genuine forgiveness and reconciliation are two-person transactions that are enabled by apologies. Some, particularly within the Christian worldview, have taught forgiveness without an apology. They often quote the words of Jesus, 'If you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.' Thus, they say to the wife whose husband has been unfaithful and continues in his adulterous affair, 'You must forgive him, or God will not forgive you.' Such an interpretation of Jesus' teachings fails to reckon with the rest of the scriptural teachings on forgiveness. The Christian is instructed to forgive others in the same manner that God forgives us. How does God forgive us? The Scriptures say that if we confess our sins, God will forgive our sins. Nothing in the Old or New Testaments indicate that God forgives the sins of people who do not confess and repent of their sins.
When a pastor encourages a wife to forgive her erring husband while he still continues in his wrongdoing, the minister is requiring of the wife something that God Himself does not do.
Genuine forgiveness removes the barrier that was created by the offense and opens the door to restoring trust over time.
Good relationships are always marked by a willingness to apologize, forgive, and reconcile.
The offended one is experiencing painful emotions, and they want you to feel some of their pain. They want some evidence that you realize how deeply you have hurt them. For some people, they are listening for certain things in your apology. Without it, they do not sense that the apology is adequate or sincere.
Give details in your apology.
Why is it so difficult for some of us to say, "I was wrong?" Often our reluctance to admit wrongdoing is tied to our sense of self-worth. To admit that we are wrong is perceived as weakness. We may reason that only losers confess and that intelligent people try to show that their actions were justified.
The seeds of this self-justifying tendency are often planted in childhood. When a child is excessively punished, condemned, or shamed for minor offenses, the sense of self-worth is diminished. Subconsciously, the child makes the emotional link between wrong behavior and low self-worth. Thus, to admit wrong is to be "bad." The child who grows up with this emotional pattern will have difficulty admitting wrongdoing as an adult because to do so strikes at his or her self-esteem.
Requesting forgiveness shows that you are willing to put the future of the relationship in the hands of the offended person. You have admitted your wrong. You have expressed regret. You may have offered to make amends. Now you are saying, "Will you forgive me?" You know that you cannot answer that question for the other person. It is a choice that he or she must make--to forgive or not to forgive. And the future of the relationship rests on that decision. This takes the control out of your hands. and for some people that is extremely difficult.
It makes us vulnerable because we are requesting something--forgiveness--that we think only the other person can grant, and we might be rejected.
Mature people recognize their fears but refuse to be held captive by their fears. When they value a relationship, they are willing to go against their fears and take the steps necessary to bring healing to the relationship.
Another fear that sometimes keeps people from requesting forgiveness is the fear of failure. This person typically has a strong moral compass. For them, "doing right" is equated with being good or being successful. Throughout life they have tried to do the right thing. And when they do, they feel successful. To this person, admitting wrong is equivalent to admitting, "I'm a failure." Therefore, they find it difficult to admit they are wrong. Typically, they will argue vehemently with the other person that what they did is not wrong. They say, "It may have hurt you," or "It may have offended you." "You took it in the wrong way. I didn't mean it that way."
Sometimes the manner in which they defend themselves is more offensive than the original offense, but they don't see this.
There's a vast difference between requesting forgiveness and demanding forgiveness. Forgiveness is essentially a choice to lift the penalty and to let the person back into our lives. A gift that is demanded is no longer a gift. When, as the offender, I demand to be forgiven, I am like a monarch sitting on a throne, judging the offended person as being guilty of an unforgiving heart. The offended person is hurt and angry over my offense, but I am trying to make her feel guilty for not forgiving me.
Understand that when you request to be forgiven, you are making a huge request. It will be costly to the person you have offended. When they forgive you, they must give up their desire for justice. They must relinquish their hurt and anger, their feeling of embarrassment or humiliation. They must give up their feelings of rejection and betrayal. Sometimes, they must live with the consequences of your wrong behavior.
These may be physical consequences that need forgiveness, such as a sexually transmitted disease, a child born of a strange lover, or the memory of an abortion. Other consequences may be emotional, such as the mental images of your flushed face and raised voice, the images of you in the arms of another lover, or the cutting words that play over and over again in their minds. The person you have hurt must live with all of this and much more, and process it in order to forgive you. This is not a small thing you're asking of him or her. As an ancient Chinese proverb says, "When you bow, bow low."
Because of the costliness of forgiveness, don't expect the offended person to forgive you immediately.
Why would people choose not to apologize? Sometimes they do not value the relationship. Another reason is that they feel justified in their behavior and that the other person is at fault. This attitude does not remove barriers, it creates them.
People respect the man or woman who is willing to take responsibility for their own failures. On the other hand, those who try to hide or excuse wrongful behavior, will almost always lose the respect and affirmation of others, thus further compounding the problem of low self-esteem.
Let's say a husband needs to apologize for looking at pornography and he is glossing over the pain that he has caused. This only prolongs everyone's suffering. The husband needs to "balance the scales." When the wife learned about the addiction to porn, the scales that keep the marriage balanced flew off kilter. Her side of the scales plunged to the ground. She felt low, sad, lonely, angry, and afraid of ever trusting again. A general apology is unable to bring the marriage back into balance. The wife will continue to feel very hurt and scared. If the husband leaves her on the low side of the scales, she is likely to unload the weights that are keeping her down by casting barbs at the husband. She needs help in removing the weights from her side of the scale. You could do a great service to her and to the marriage by having the detailed conversation that the husband fears will go badly. Often, people who will give detailed apologies find just the opposite. As the husband unloads the weights of hurt and validate their spouses, they receive gratitude in return.
Real men cry. Real men apologize. Plastic men don't cry or apologize.
Don't desire peace at any price. Don't make an apology if the arguments and conflicts will cease, but resentment will grow because apologies are one-sided. To these people emotional calm is more important than being right. While this appears to be an admirable trait, it often simmers as inner resentment. All parties should make the appropriate apologies.
All sincere apologies have the same two goals: that the offender be forgiven and the relationship be reconciled. When forgiveness and reconciliation occur, the relationship can continue to grow.
Even a minor offense can be like a bomb falling on a picnic. It destroys the tranquility of the relationship. If you're the one offended, you know how it feels: there's hurt, anger, disappointment, disbelief, a sense of betrayal, and rejection. Whether the offender is a spouse, child, parent, coworker, neighbor, etc, the question is, "How could they love me and say or do that?" Your love tank just suffered a rupture.
Then there's more fallout: Your sense of justice has been violated. It's like little moral soldiers inside you stand up and say, "That's not right. We will fight for you." Everything in you wants to tell those little soldiers to "Charge!" But you aren't sure if it is the right thing to do. You value this relationship. Reason prevails as you try to gain information. Try not to compound the problem by a bad response. For example, don't yell back just because they yelled at you. Don't spread gossip.
Who apologizes first is unimportant. That each of you apologizes is all important. An apology reaches out for forgiveness. Apologies are not about what you're comfortable saying. Apologies are what the other person needs to hear. Learn the art of forgiveness.
We are never separated from God's love, but our disobedience does separate us from His fellowship.
Without forgiveness, relationships die.
Forgiveness is not a feeling. It is a commitment to accept the person in spite of what he or she has done. It is a decision not to demand justice but to show mercy. You choose to no longer hold the offense against them. You accept them back into your life and will seek to continue building your relationship with them. Forgiveness allows the two of you to communicate again and to listen to each other with a view to understanding. It opens up the potential of working together as a team.
Things I liked from the book...
Genuine forgiveness and reconciliation are two-person transactions that are enabled by apologies. Some, particularly within the Christian worldview, have taught forgiveness without an apology. They often quote the words of Jesus, 'If you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.' Thus, they say to the wife whose husband has been unfaithful and continues in his adulterous affair, 'You must forgive him, or God will not forgive you.' Such an interpretation of Jesus' teachings fails to reckon with the rest of the scriptural teachings on forgiveness. The Christian is instructed to forgive others in the same manner that God forgives us. How does God forgive us? The Scriptures say that if we confess our sins, God will forgive our sins. Nothing in the Old or New Testaments indicate that God forgives the sins of people who do not confess and repent of their sins.
When a pastor encourages a wife to forgive her erring husband while he still continues in his wrongdoing, the minister is requiring of the wife something that God Himself does not do.
Genuine forgiveness removes the barrier that was created by the offense and opens the door to restoring trust over time.
Good relationships are always marked by a willingness to apologize, forgive, and reconcile.
The offended one is experiencing painful emotions, and they want you to feel some of their pain. They want some evidence that you realize how deeply you have hurt them. For some people, they are listening for certain things in your apology. Without it, they do not sense that the apology is adequate or sincere.
Give details in your apology.
Why is it so difficult for some of us to say, "I was wrong?" Often our reluctance to admit wrongdoing is tied to our sense of self-worth. To admit that we are wrong is perceived as weakness. We may reason that only losers confess and that intelligent people try to show that their actions were justified.
The seeds of this self-justifying tendency are often planted in childhood. When a child is excessively punished, condemned, or shamed for minor offenses, the sense of self-worth is diminished. Subconsciously, the child makes the emotional link between wrong behavior and low self-worth. Thus, to admit wrong is to be "bad." The child who grows up with this emotional pattern will have difficulty admitting wrongdoing as an adult because to do so strikes at his or her self-esteem.
Requesting forgiveness shows that you are willing to put the future of the relationship in the hands of the offended person. You have admitted your wrong. You have expressed regret. You may have offered to make amends. Now you are saying, "Will you forgive me?" You know that you cannot answer that question for the other person. It is a choice that he or she must make--to forgive or not to forgive. And the future of the relationship rests on that decision. This takes the control out of your hands. and for some people that is extremely difficult.
It makes us vulnerable because we are requesting something--forgiveness--that we think only the other person can grant, and we might be rejected.
Mature people recognize their fears but refuse to be held captive by their fears. When they value a relationship, they are willing to go against their fears and take the steps necessary to bring healing to the relationship.
Another fear that sometimes keeps people from requesting forgiveness is the fear of failure. This person typically has a strong moral compass. For them, "doing right" is equated with being good or being successful. Throughout life they have tried to do the right thing. And when they do, they feel successful. To this person, admitting wrong is equivalent to admitting, "I'm a failure." Therefore, they find it difficult to admit they are wrong. Typically, they will argue vehemently with the other person that what they did is not wrong. They say, "It may have hurt you," or "It may have offended you." "You took it in the wrong way. I didn't mean it that way."
Sometimes the manner in which they defend themselves is more offensive than the original offense, but they don't see this.
There's a vast difference between requesting forgiveness and demanding forgiveness. Forgiveness is essentially a choice to lift the penalty and to let the person back into our lives. A gift that is demanded is no longer a gift. When, as the offender, I demand to be forgiven, I am like a monarch sitting on a throne, judging the offended person as being guilty of an unforgiving heart. The offended person is hurt and angry over my offense, but I am trying to make her feel guilty for not forgiving me.
Understand that when you request to be forgiven, you are making a huge request. It will be costly to the person you have offended. When they forgive you, they must give up their desire for justice. They must relinquish their hurt and anger, their feeling of embarrassment or humiliation. They must give up their feelings of rejection and betrayal. Sometimes, they must live with the consequences of your wrong behavior.
These may be physical consequences that need forgiveness, such as a sexually transmitted disease, a child born of a strange lover, or the memory of an abortion. Other consequences may be emotional, such as the mental images of your flushed face and raised voice, the images of you in the arms of another lover, or the cutting words that play over and over again in their minds. The person you have hurt must live with all of this and much more, and process it in order to forgive you. This is not a small thing you're asking of him or her. As an ancient Chinese proverb says, "When you bow, bow low."
Because of the costliness of forgiveness, don't expect the offended person to forgive you immediately.
Why would people choose not to apologize? Sometimes they do not value the relationship. Another reason is that they feel justified in their behavior and that the other person is at fault. This attitude does not remove barriers, it creates them.
People respect the man or woman who is willing to take responsibility for their own failures. On the other hand, those who try to hide or excuse wrongful behavior, will almost always lose the respect and affirmation of others, thus further compounding the problem of low self-esteem.
Let's say a husband needs to apologize for looking at pornography and he is glossing over the pain that he has caused. This only prolongs everyone's suffering. The husband needs to "balance the scales." When the wife learned about the addiction to porn, the scales that keep the marriage balanced flew off kilter. Her side of the scales plunged to the ground. She felt low, sad, lonely, angry, and afraid of ever trusting again. A general apology is unable to bring the marriage back into balance. The wife will continue to feel very hurt and scared. If the husband leaves her on the low side of the scales, she is likely to unload the weights that are keeping her down by casting barbs at the husband. She needs help in removing the weights from her side of the scale. You could do a great service to her and to the marriage by having the detailed conversation that the husband fears will go badly. Often, people who will give detailed apologies find just the opposite. As the husband unloads the weights of hurt and validate their spouses, they receive gratitude in return.
Real men cry. Real men apologize. Plastic men don't cry or apologize.
Don't desire peace at any price. Don't make an apology if the arguments and conflicts will cease, but resentment will grow because apologies are one-sided. To these people emotional calm is more important than being right. While this appears to be an admirable trait, it often simmers as inner resentment. All parties should make the appropriate apologies.
All sincere apologies have the same two goals: that the offender be forgiven and the relationship be reconciled. When forgiveness and reconciliation occur, the relationship can continue to grow.
Even a minor offense can be like a bomb falling on a picnic. It destroys the tranquility of the relationship. If you're the one offended, you know how it feels: there's hurt, anger, disappointment, disbelief, a sense of betrayal, and rejection. Whether the offender is a spouse, child, parent, coworker, neighbor, etc, the question is, "How could they love me and say or do that?" Your love tank just suffered a rupture.
Then there's more fallout: Your sense of justice has been violated. It's like little moral soldiers inside you stand up and say, "That's not right. We will fight for you." Everything in you wants to tell those little soldiers to "Charge!" But you aren't sure if it is the right thing to do. You value this relationship. Reason prevails as you try to gain information. Try not to compound the problem by a bad response. For example, don't yell back just because they yelled at you. Don't spread gossip.
Who apologizes first is unimportant. That each of you apologizes is all important. An apology reaches out for forgiveness. Apologies are not about what you're comfortable saying. Apologies are what the other person needs to hear. Learn the art of forgiveness.
We are never separated from God's love, but our disobedience does separate us from His fellowship.
Without forgiveness, relationships die.
Forgiveness is not a feeling. It is a commitment to accept the person in spite of what he or she has done. It is a decision not to demand justice but to show mercy. You choose to no longer hold the offense against them. You accept them back into your life and will seek to continue building your relationship with them. Forgiveness allows the two of you to communicate again and to listen to each other with a view to understanding. It opens up the potential of working together as a team.
May 8, 2019
★4/5★
April 8, 2023
We'll never handle our relationships with family and friends perfectly, but this offers great advice on how to make things right when we mess up. Overall, I thought this book did a good job of getting readers outside of their heads and into the headspace of the people they're apologizing to. My husband read this book first before recommending it to me, and it prompted a lot of great discussion. Many of the examples focus on romantic relationships (although the concepts apply to any type of relationship), and so much of conflict within marriage is about two people having very different expectations and the fallout that occurs when those expectations aren't met. In the case of an apology, if one person (like me) expects that "I'm sorry" means not doing that thing again, then that person is going to be seriously upset if the expectation is not met and the apologizer does that thing again. I was also struck by the authors' assertion that expecting a victim to forgive the party who wronged them when that aggressor has not repented of the wrong is asking more of us than even God does; He requires repentance before He grants His forgiveness.
I get that the people seeking advice in this book are already in preexisting relationships and trying to find ways to work within them, so that's what the authors are reacting to, but I will say that I found the behavioral bar to be set pretty ridiculously low for a lot of the men, with the women doing way more of the emotional work. After the fifth example in a row of the guy behaving like an irresponsible baby, the pattern was hard to miss. The authors gave good examples of how to deal with these man-children, but I wish that they had flagged the pattern and identified that we as a society accept emotionally immature behavior from men with frightening readiness and expect women to bend over backwards to accommodate that immaturity. This does a massive disservice to all parties. Boys can be taught to do better from the beginning, men need to work at developing emotional intelligence, and women do not need to settle for less.
I get that the people seeking advice in this book are already in preexisting relationships and trying to find ways to work within them, so that's what the authors are reacting to, but I will say that I found the behavioral bar to be set pretty ridiculously low for a lot of the men, with the women doing way more of the emotional work. After the fifth example in a row of the guy behaving like an irresponsible baby, the pattern was hard to miss. The authors gave good examples of how to deal with these man-children, but I wish that they had flagged the pattern and identified that we as a society accept emotionally immature behavior from men with frightening readiness and expect women to bend over backwards to accommodate that immaturity. This does a massive disservice to all parties. Boys can be taught to do better from the beginning, men need to work at developing emotional intelligence, and women do not need to settle for less.
January 14, 2022
Nežinau kodėl, bet ši knyga manęs nesužavėjo. Knygą "penkios meilės kalbos" skaičiau su didžiausiu įdomumu ir malonumu, o šią labiau su nuoboduliu... tos kalbos manęs neįtikino, kažkokios banalios. Hm...
January 16, 2022
Chapman writes books like you are sitting in a therapy session with him. I appreciate the way he slowly breaks down his point and uses lots of examples and quotes from his client’s. This may not be a style that people like because it can be a bit repetitive, but I’m here for it.
My one qualm with this book is that it glazes over the severity of issues that are being apologized or forgiven for. In one of his examples, he is talking to a woman about forgiving someone who sexually abused her. Although he does speak on instances where you do not need to forgive someone, that point is not revisited here. The writers explain the way forgiving an abuser is healthy, but do not spend enough time speaking on how forcing yourself to forgive someone can be very unhealthy and damaging.
This is not just a book for couples, he uses examples from friends, siblings, and parent child relationships. This book focus on forgiveness and apologies on a micro level. There is a brief mention of apologies that still need to be made on a societal level, but it is not the focus of the book.
I appreciated his description of the types of apologies, and what not to say when apologizing.
I would recommend this book, but would advise reading it with your eyes, not your ears. I will definitely be rereading this with my eyes next time.
My one qualm with this book is that it glazes over the severity of issues that are being apologized or forgiven for. In one of his examples, he is talking to a woman about forgiving someone who sexually abused her. Although he does speak on instances where you do not need to forgive someone, that point is not revisited here. The writers explain the way forgiving an abuser is healthy, but do not spend enough time speaking on how forcing yourself to forgive someone can be very unhealthy and damaging.
This is not just a book for couples, he uses examples from friends, siblings, and parent child relationships. This book focus on forgiveness and apologies on a micro level. There is a brief mention of apologies that still need to be made on a societal level, but it is not the focus of the book.
I appreciated his description of the types of apologies, and what not to say when apologizing.
I would recommend this book, but would advise reading it with your eyes, not your ears. I will definitely be rereading this with my eyes next time.
July 20, 2019
If you are married, in a relationship, or want to be in a relationship, this book is recommended reading. If you're familiar with "The Five Love Languages," this book is co-written by the same author, and was titled "The Five Languages of Apology" before being revised and updated.
The concept is similar: everyone has a language for apology that resonates with them, and we often are in communion with people whose languages for love and apology differs from our own. If we want a positive response to an apology (don't we?), we should understand what an apology looks like to that person, and frame ours accordingly.
This book will help you understand how each language (expressing regret, accepting responsibility, making restitution, genuinely repenting and requesting forgiveness) should be framed so your relationships can be mended and reconciliation can take place.
Don't read this book if you're looking for a set of words to say to get someone off your back: that's not the point. "Genuine apology opens the door to the possibility of forgiveness and reconciliation," the author writes. If that's your goal, this is your book.
The concept is similar: everyone has a language for apology that resonates with them, and we often are in communion with people whose languages for love and apology differs from our own. If we want a positive response to an apology (don't we?), we should understand what an apology looks like to that person, and frame ours accordingly.
This book will help you understand how each language (expressing regret, accepting responsibility, making restitution, genuinely repenting and requesting forgiveness) should be framed so your relationships can be mended and reconciliation can take place.
Don't read this book if you're looking for a set of words to say to get someone off your back: that's not the point. "Genuine apology opens the door to the possibility of forgiveness and reconciliation," the author writes. If that's your goal, this is your book.
May 13, 2020
This book is all about how to apologize properly. As the title suggests, sometimes “sorry” just doesn’t cut it. At the end of the day, what we really want out of an apology is the feeling that the person apologizing to us actually means it.
This is where Champan’s “five apology languages” come in. According to Chapman, we all have a preferred way of being apologized to. In order to feel like someone’s apology is legitimate, we usually need said person to apologize in a way that speaks our “apology language.”
These languages are very similar, in concept, to Champan’s “five love languages.” For those who’ve read that book before, these new languages will be familiar and easy to understand. However, even if you haven’t read that book, Chapman lays things out in a way that makes comprehending these new concepts quite easy.
Overall, this book is interesting, short, and helpful. Moreover, it does a good job of connecting to Champan’s seminal work without making it feel cheap. I recommend giving it a read.
-Brian Sachetta
Author of “Get Out of Your Head”
This is where Champan’s “five apology languages” come in. According to Chapman, we all have a preferred way of being apologized to. In order to feel like someone’s apology is legitimate, we usually need said person to apologize in a way that speaks our “apology language.”
These languages are very similar, in concept, to Champan’s “five love languages.” For those who’ve read that book before, these new languages will be familiar and easy to understand. However, even if you haven’t read that book, Chapman lays things out in a way that makes comprehending these new concepts quite easy.
Overall, this book is interesting, short, and helpful. Moreover, it does a good job of connecting to Champan’s seminal work without making it feel cheap. I recommend giving it a read.
-Brian Sachetta
Author of “Get Out of Your Head”
January 25, 2022
Okay - things I liked: the idea of apology "languages". It makes sense that if you don't apologize to someone in a way that resonates with them, the apology won't feel as genuine. This is a great concept that I will be applying. Most of the book is about these languages, and if you can disregard the other stuff, it is worth it for that information.
Things I did not like - this is very Christian-based, which I could have handled. I read a lot of self-help, and although I am not religious, I can happily take good information no matter where it comes from. HOWEVER. There are a couple of examples in this books that are just not okay. A grown daughter who was molested by her father APOLOGIZING to her father for cutting off contact with him and her mother. The dad apologizes too, but after the fact, and I just can't. She was a victim, and in no world does she need to apologize to her father.
Things I did not like - this is very Christian-based, which I could have handled. I read a lot of self-help, and although I am not religious, I can happily take good information no matter where it comes from. HOWEVER. There are a couple of examples in this books that are just not okay. A grown daughter who was molested by her father APOLOGIZING to her father for cutting off contact with him and her mother. The dad apologizes too, but after the fact, and I just can't. She was a victim, and in no world does she need to apologize to her father.
August 27, 2019
Gary Chapman knows people and relationships better than any other author I've ever read. He has teamed up with Jennifer M. Thomas for this book on how to successfully apologize to someone you love. This is a re-write of The Five Apology Languages and while there were some similarities, I would still definitely recommend it. My only qualm is a selfish one. I wish there was a test to determine which language you are. I can eliminate which ones I am not pretty easily but would enjoy a list of how much each one means to me. I really enjoy the 5 Love Languages test for this reason.
May 8, 2021
Too religious & formulaic
First, both authors refer to themselves as “I” throughout the book, adding comments to distinguish who is speaking. This didn’t work for me. Too confusing.
Second, there’s a sense throughout the book that they’ve trying to repeat the success of The Five Love Languages with Five Apology Languages. There are some interesting parallels but frankly it’s a stretch and comes across as a ploy.
Third, the authors assume a religious audience. They don’t even try to appeal to any other audience. It’s a Christian book and should be labeled as such.
First, both authors refer to themselves as “I” throughout the book, adding comments to distinguish who is speaking. This didn’t work for me. Too confusing.
Second, there’s a sense throughout the book that they’ve trying to repeat the success of The Five Love Languages with Five Apology Languages. There are some interesting parallels but frankly it’s a stretch and comes across as a ploy.
Third, the authors assume a religious audience. They don’t even try to appeal to any other audience. It’s a Christian book and should be labeled as such.
September 18, 2021
My top takeaways:
When you offend someone talk about it so you can apologize
OWN IT. APOLOGIZE FOR IT. ASK HOW CAN MAKE IT RIGHT?
Attacks and excuses never lead to forgiveness or reconciliacion. Do not blame the behavior.
Write an apology as it holds more weight and is something they can read over and over.
when apologizing it is important to do so in the other person's love language as well as ask for forgiveness.
When you offend someone talk about it so you can apologize
OWN IT. APOLOGIZE FOR IT. ASK HOW CAN MAKE IT RIGHT?
Attacks and excuses never lead to forgiveness or reconciliacion. Do not blame the behavior.
Write an apology as it holds more weight and is something they can read over and over.
when apologizing it is important to do so in the other person's love language as well as ask for forgiveness.
January 6, 2025
If I am to compare this book to the author’s other book, 5 Languages of Love, I would say this book was last appealing and less interesting.
This book contains insights about the vitality to understand a person’s preferred language of apology in order to have a meaning apology. However, I found the examples to be too simplistic and too generic to relate to.
It would have more intriguing to incorporate psychology in this book in order to have more scientifically-backed data on human behavior and relationships.
I found the book also repetitive since the author mentioned multiple success stories on how his guidance enabled loved ones to mend relationships. It would have been less repetitive if he also shared his failures to showcase that not every relationship can be mended with an apology.
I recommend books that are more intertwined with psychology and communication skills, which will in turn enable people to have stronger and healthier relationships.
This book contains insights about the vitality to understand a person’s preferred language of apology in order to have a meaning apology. However, I found the examples to be too simplistic and too generic to relate to.
It would have more intriguing to incorporate psychology in this book in order to have more scientifically-backed data on human behavior and relationships.
I found the book also repetitive since the author mentioned multiple success stories on how his guidance enabled loved ones to mend relationships. It would have been less repetitive if he also shared his failures to showcase that not every relationship can be mended with an apology.
I recommend books that are more intertwined with psychology and communication skills, which will in turn enable people to have stronger and healthier relationships.
September 24, 2020
When Sorry Isn't Enough was a quick read that very much copies the format of Gary Chapman's most read book about the five love languages. This book instead covers the five languages of apologies. I have to admit that trying to fit in into five neat 'languages' felt a bit forced, and the examples of the couples was of course painfully heteronormative (and a bit idealistic, in which all of the people you apologize to react in the most perfect of ways), but the book was nonetheless useful in that it made me reflect of what it means to really apologize and how one person's apology might not qualify as enough to another person.
November 19, 2024
Extremely helpful.
This book was referenced in the last book I read, "The five Love languages for men."
This is the same book as the "Five Apology Languages" for anybody who's confused. I'm not sure why they rebranded it. This is the newer version though.
I have already used what I've learned from this book in my relationships, and it has helped enormously. Highly recommend. I want my own copy now.
I think this will also bless the lives of my children as I teach them these principles, and have my older children read it themselves.
It was a 5-hour audiobook that I listened to while driving around. Very easy to listen to, but some adult topics for younger children. Such as: working through infidelity, serious sexual sin, sexual abuse, etc.
This book was referenced in the last book I read, "The five Love languages for men."
This is the same book as the "Five Apology Languages" for anybody who's confused. I'm not sure why they rebranded it. This is the newer version though.
I have already used what I've learned from this book in my relationships, and it has helped enormously. Highly recommend. I want my own copy now.
I think this will also bless the lives of my children as I teach them these principles, and have my older children read it themselves.
It was a 5-hour audiobook that I listened to while driving around. Very easy to listen to, but some adult topics for younger children. Such as: working through infidelity, serious sexual sin, sexual abuse, etc.
September 13, 2022
How many times have you been told you need to need to forgive someone because it’s in the Bible? Well now they have the answer to help you! The book touches on how God said to forgive people, yes …but it’s those who ask for forgiveness. That’s why we confess our sins! The book is written by the same author who wrote the Five Love Languages. In this one he touches on those but he also touches on the five languages of apology. It’s actually quite interesting. How someone apologizes. Is usually there language.
September 12, 2024
Conceptually fantastic. Made so much sense.
Lost a star for being out of touch with reality and being religious. (No one in their right mind is asking their sexually abusive father for forgiveness.)
Lost a star for being out of touch with reality and being religious. (No one in their right mind is asking their sexually abusive father for forgiveness.)
August 17, 2022
This book shows how effectively one should admit guilt and repairs damaged relationships. It indicates you what to do beyond saying that you are sorry.
It offers an an understanding of how meaningful apologies provide the ability to make friendships, family, and marriages stronger.
Some of the essential areas include:
- How to Calm and tone down escalated arguments.
- Bring back diminished love from pain and deceit.
- Replace excuses for honesty, trust, and joy.
- Strengthen and rebuild valuable relationships.
- Offer apologies that are understood and accepted.
- Actions are invariably trusted more than just the apology.
Read this book, if you :
1. Are bad at apologizing.
2. Want to maintain a healthy and ego free relationships.
3. Constantly argue with your loved ones and hide your resentment inside.
4. Feel that ego always pulls you back from apologizing.
5. Most importantly : you feel that you are always right.
If you have read the 5 love languages, you'd definitely like this one.
Ideal for beginners.
It offers an an understanding of how meaningful apologies provide the ability to make friendships, family, and marriages stronger.
Some of the essential areas include:
- How to Calm and tone down escalated arguments.
- Bring back diminished love from pain and deceit.
- Replace excuses for honesty, trust, and joy.
- Strengthen and rebuild valuable relationships.
- Offer apologies that are understood and accepted.
- Actions are invariably trusted more than just the apology.
Read this book, if you :
1. Are bad at apologizing.
2. Want to maintain a healthy and ego free relationships.
3. Constantly argue with your loved ones and hide your resentment inside.
4. Feel that ego always pulls you back from apologizing.
5. Most importantly : you feel that you are always right.
If you have read the 5 love languages, you'd definitely like this one.
Ideal for beginners.
May 29, 2021
There were practical techniques that I found helpful, but as someone who isn’t religious, i would have preferred a more objective framing. Latter half was heavy in biblical references and were not relatable for me whatsoever - a mention in the summary about this spin would have been useful for me as I was assessing content/interest.
November 1, 2024
This is a book on how to apologize. There are four components to apologizing: expressing regret, admitting wrong (for something specific), asking for forgiveness, and making restitution.
This being Gary Chapman, he says that different people have forgiveness languages. Simply put, some people value one of the components of forgiveness more than others and they look for that. If they don't see that component, they don't feel that forgiveness has been asked for.
The book also ended with how to forgive yourself, which I thought was a good touch.
This being Gary Chapman, he says that different people have forgiveness languages. Simply put, some people value one of the components of forgiveness more than others and they look for that. If they don't see that component, they don't feel that forgiveness has been asked for.
The book also ended with how to forgive yourself, which I thought was a good touch.
April 13, 2015
Did you ever sincerely say ''sorry'' to someone but experience the shock of them not taking it as a true apology?
In ''When Sorry Isn't Enough'', skilled authors and phsyologists Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas approach the subject of apologies. As we all know, humans make mistakes and usually those mistakes hurt others. Taking responsibility for our failures and making amends graciously is one of the mature and loving actions to take and is definitely important to help relationships- which can be ever so fragile!- thrive.
What I love about all of Gary Chapman's relationship books is how practical they are. Although best for the Christian audience who have their relationship with Jesus and the Holy Spirit guiding them to help them heal friendships and such, Gary Chapman's books are also surprisingly useful for non-Christians as well. The fact is, humans need to apply a certain amount of decency (God's common grace) in life or else they would simply tear each other apart! This is why I recommend this book for all people.
Of course we know that only true Christians can be genuinely repentant and sorry....likewise only true believers can love with Jesus' kind of love!
I have heard some critics talk about Gary Chapman's books as shallow because they seem like they are just trying to make people feel better- shallowly healing relationships but not dealing with the heart. I wouldn't agree with this argument because Mr. Chapman does indeed address this argument within his books. Also, you have to admit that people are not just soul. They have personalities. And with millions of personalities running around on the globe, it's good to know how to avoid conflict with them. Also, we could argue that people shouldn't be coddled to and loved in the way that THEY want. Sorry people- humans are so selfish that it will scarcely ever happen that a human can forget himself and how he needs to feel loved. That's why books such as this are SO useful. Imagine all those hurt feelings because you thought you were making a genuine apology but the other person just couldn't understand your way of apologizing! Tell them to ''get over it'' but maybe they can't....Because we are each so different and unique! So, read this book and think twice before you say that you can live fine without the advice presented within the pages....
Chapters include:
Why we hunger for a real apology when we have been hurt; The components of a complete apology; Why forgiveness isn't the same thing as trust; What forgiveness really is and what it can and cannot do; Why some people will not apologize and what to do when they won't; The danger of forgiving too easily; What our forgiveness "language" is.
I was happy to receive this book from the publisher in exchange for my honest opinion.
In ''When Sorry Isn't Enough'', skilled authors and phsyologists Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas approach the subject of apologies. As we all know, humans make mistakes and usually those mistakes hurt others. Taking responsibility for our failures and making amends graciously is one of the mature and loving actions to take and is definitely important to help relationships- which can be ever so fragile!- thrive.
What I love about all of Gary Chapman's relationship books is how practical they are. Although best for the Christian audience who have their relationship with Jesus and the Holy Spirit guiding them to help them heal friendships and such, Gary Chapman's books are also surprisingly useful for non-Christians as well. The fact is, humans need to apply a certain amount of decency (God's common grace) in life or else they would simply tear each other apart! This is why I recommend this book for all people.
Of course we know that only true Christians can be genuinely repentant and sorry....likewise only true believers can love with Jesus' kind of love!
I have heard some critics talk about Gary Chapman's books as shallow because they seem like they are just trying to make people feel better- shallowly healing relationships but not dealing with the heart. I wouldn't agree with this argument because Mr. Chapman does indeed address this argument within his books. Also, you have to admit that people are not just soul. They have personalities. And with millions of personalities running around on the globe, it's good to know how to avoid conflict with them. Also, we could argue that people shouldn't be coddled to and loved in the way that THEY want. Sorry people- humans are so selfish that it will scarcely ever happen that a human can forget himself and how he needs to feel loved. That's why books such as this are SO useful. Imagine all those hurt feelings because you thought you were making a genuine apology but the other person just couldn't understand your way of apologizing! Tell them to ''get over it'' but maybe they can't....Because we are each so different and unique! So, read this book and think twice before you say that you can live fine without the advice presented within the pages....
Chapters include:
Why we hunger for a real apology when we have been hurt; The components of a complete apology; Why forgiveness isn't the same thing as trust; What forgiveness really is and what it can and cannot do; Why some people will not apologize and what to do when they won't; The danger of forgiving too easily; What our forgiveness "language" is.
I was happy to receive this book from the publisher in exchange for my honest opinion.
January 22, 2021
Chapman strikes again!, not as brilliant and pertinent as with the five languages of love, but again with an explanatory scheme and a model of action by which many difficult subtleties can be interpreted and dealt with in relationships. I recommend it especially for those who have problems asking for forgiveness and forgiving, but for others it can also illuminate some personal difficulties – in addition to the chapters on each language of forgiveness, there is one that addresses the idea of "forgiving yourself", which does well in expanding the relevance of this reflection.
The idea is that forgiveness reestablishes broken relationships and each person deals better with this expedient by having the resources of a specific language. Here is a summary of each language, with comments:
– First language ("I'm Sorry"): recognizing that you are sorry – it can be enough for many people.
– Second language ("I Was Wrong"): more than just regret, here there is an acceptance that the responsibility was yours and, therefore, it was really your fault.
– Third language ("How Can I Make It Right?"): the offer of compensation for a recognized loss.
– Fourth language ("I Want to Change"): a repentance so genuine that it brings a request for help to change and never cause what was caused.
– Fifth language ("Can You Find It In Your Heart ..."): a request for forgiveness that waits for the other to actually consent – this one seems to me a bit cultural, as in the United States "I'm sorry" is so widespread that it is cultural even before showing repentance, so "asking for forgiveness" takes on another level, although it may sound redundant to other cultures. Consider, in any case, that, in this language, there must be the consent of the person who is asked for forgiveness.
The differences between languages can be subtle, but the examples cited are illuminating. A particular example of a daughter who approached her father who had abused her is controversial, but I don't think we are in a position to judge her or the authors for reporting the case.
And this introduces the following point: when should one forgive? The author argues that there is no forgiveness without a request and, here again, the terminology of "requesting forgiveness" needs to be recognized - he is taking into account the forgiveness that is "given", and not that Christian predisposition to be able to forgive everyone (since the best thing anyone could hope for after iniquity happens is repentance). I would add that, of course, forgiving does not mean removing someone's responsibility, as if we should open prison cells because of that – a mother, loving her son and forgiving him, doesn't need necessarily to be in favor of her son being simply acquitted for a crime he committed.
Finally, be careful: look for the second edition of this book, which was published to replace a first one.
The idea is that forgiveness reestablishes broken relationships and each person deals better with this expedient by having the resources of a specific language. Here is a summary of each language, with comments:
– First language ("I'm Sorry"): recognizing that you are sorry – it can be enough for many people.
– Second language ("I Was Wrong"): more than just regret, here there is an acceptance that the responsibility was yours and, therefore, it was really your fault.
– Third language ("How Can I Make It Right?"): the offer of compensation for a recognized loss.
– Fourth language ("I Want to Change"): a repentance so genuine that it brings a request for help to change and never cause what was caused.
– Fifth language ("Can You Find It In Your Heart ..."): a request for forgiveness that waits for the other to actually consent – this one seems to me a bit cultural, as in the United States "I'm sorry" is so widespread that it is cultural even before showing repentance, so "asking for forgiveness" takes on another level, although it may sound redundant to other cultures. Consider, in any case, that, in this language, there must be the consent of the person who is asked for forgiveness.
The differences between languages can be subtle, but the examples cited are illuminating. A particular example of a daughter who approached her father who had abused her is controversial, but I don't think we are in a position to judge her or the authors for reporting the case.
And this introduces the following point: when should one forgive? The author argues that there is no forgiveness without a request and, here again, the terminology of "requesting forgiveness" needs to be recognized - he is taking into account the forgiveness that is "given", and not that Christian predisposition to be able to forgive everyone (since the best thing anyone could hope for after iniquity happens is repentance). I would add that, of course, forgiving does not mean removing someone's responsibility, as if we should open prison cells because of that – a mother, loving her son and forgiving him, doesn't need necessarily to be in favor of her son being simply acquitted for a crime he committed.
Finally, be careful: look for the second edition of this book, which was published to replace a first one.
February 20, 2018
25 plus years ago when I officially started working in my company's customer service department I found myself tripping over the words "I'm sorry", as if they were stuck in my throat. That's just not something most of us are used to saying. I certainly hadn't had it said to me very often and never in any meaningful way. Realizing apologizing was part of the job description, that night, at home while taking a shower, I practiced saying "I'm sorry" over and over again as many different ways as I could think to say it; not to fake it, I've meant it every time I've said it, but to unstick it from my throat so it would be understood to be sincere by my customers and everyone I owe an apology to.
I'd read, and highly recommend, Gary Chapman's "The 5 Love Languages". After spending so much time learning what people need in an apology on the job, I was interested to get more information about apologies, especially on a personal level.
So many good relationships go bad because neither party know how to communicate their own or the other's love language, which is why the first book is so important. Lots of relationships go from bad to worse because one or both people refuse to admit that they're human and make mistakes. Even if someone is willing to apologize they don't know how to do it in a way that's meaningful to the other person. Remember, apologies are not about what you're comfortable saying. Apologies are what the other person needs to hear.
Which is where this book comes in. It does a great job of breaking down an apology into its component parts and explains how certain parts may be more important to the person you're apologizing to and what needs to be said so they'll understand you're sincere. The most important chapter may be the chapter on forgiving ourselves.
My main objection is it's use of Christian scriptures and values to justify many of the concepts discussed. This may put off non-Christians or people who've been demonized by misguided Christians. But the language of apology is such a basic need to getting through this life without leaving behind a lot of burnt bridges that I advise everyone to read this book, take the good information and don't be put off by what doesn't resonate with you.
I'd read, and highly recommend, Gary Chapman's "The 5 Love Languages". After spending so much time learning what people need in an apology on the job, I was interested to get more information about apologies, especially on a personal level.
So many good relationships go bad because neither party know how to communicate their own or the other's love language, which is why the first book is so important. Lots of relationships go from bad to worse because one or both people refuse to admit that they're human and make mistakes. Even if someone is willing to apologize they don't know how to do it in a way that's meaningful to the other person. Remember, apologies are not about what you're comfortable saying. Apologies are what the other person needs to hear.
Which is where this book comes in. It does a great job of breaking down an apology into its component parts and explains how certain parts may be more important to the person you're apologizing to and what needs to be said so they'll understand you're sincere. The most important chapter may be the chapter on forgiving ourselves.
My main objection is it's use of Christian scriptures and values to justify many of the concepts discussed. This may put off non-Christians or people who've been demonized by misguided Christians. But the language of apology is such a basic need to getting through this life without leaving behind a lot of burnt bridges that I advise everyone to read this book, take the good information and don't be put off by what doesn't resonate with you.
October 14, 2019
“Humankind has an amazing capacity to forgive.”
You may have heard of the Five Love Languages, but have you heard about the Apology Languages? We all do things we need to apologize for, but an effective apology is one that speaks to the person’s heart that we want to forgive us. When Sorry Isn’t Enough goes through the different types of apologies, how to find your apology language and that of your loved ones, and how to deal with the other consequences in life when people hurt you. Forgiveness, trust and counseling are also addressed in the book.
I’ve read several relationship and life books by Gary Chapman and when I saw When Sorry Isn’t Enough available as an audiobook, I checked it out from my local library through Libby. I think I was expecting a book that just covered specific situations, but I found something that covered so much more. When Sorry Isn’t Enough is a great book for any relationship and it has a lot of helpful and useful advice.
When hurt, some people just need a person to say, “I’m sorry.” Others need to hear the person take responsibility. Others need reassurance of love or restitution. Others want to hear a sense of remorse. Still others don’t consider it an apology unless the person asks for forgiveness. Just like the Five Love Languages, the apology you often use is the one you like to hear.
The book gives lots of examples and wording for each of the apology languages. There are questions to ponder and there is a quiz online to find out more about your own apology language (https://www.5lovelanguages.com/profil...). When Sorry Isn’t Enough is a very useful book for parents, friends, siblings, spouses, roommates, teacher – anyone who deals with people at all. I highly recommend it for anyone high school age or older.
Read more here: https://sarahannecarter.com/when-sorr...
You may have heard of the Five Love Languages, but have you heard about the Apology Languages? We all do things we need to apologize for, but an effective apology is one that speaks to the person’s heart that we want to forgive us. When Sorry Isn’t Enough goes through the different types of apologies, how to find your apology language and that of your loved ones, and how to deal with the other consequences in life when people hurt you. Forgiveness, trust and counseling are also addressed in the book.
I’ve read several relationship and life books by Gary Chapman and when I saw When Sorry Isn’t Enough available as an audiobook, I checked it out from my local library through Libby. I think I was expecting a book that just covered specific situations, but I found something that covered so much more. When Sorry Isn’t Enough is a great book for any relationship and it has a lot of helpful and useful advice.
When hurt, some people just need a person to say, “I’m sorry.” Others need to hear the person take responsibility. Others need reassurance of love or restitution. Others want to hear a sense of remorse. Still others don’t consider it an apology unless the person asks for forgiveness. Just like the Five Love Languages, the apology you often use is the one you like to hear.
The book gives lots of examples and wording for each of the apology languages. There are questions to ponder and there is a quiz online to find out more about your own apology language (https://www.5lovelanguages.com/profil...). When Sorry Isn’t Enough is a very useful book for parents, friends, siblings, spouses, roommates, teacher – anyone who deals with people at all. I highly recommend it for anyone high school age or older.
Read more here: https://sarahannecarter.com/when-sorr...
January 28, 2020
Some may say the idea of a book that teaches one how to apologize is silly, but I would disagree.
Even if you don't prescribe to the Five Love Languages, you have to admit that there is a way you prefer people to speak to you, whether that is a partner, sibling, parent, or even a co-worker. I'm sure that even extends to the way people apologize to you and how they express it. This book goes into detail on the different ways Chapman feels that individuals receive and give apologies, and how they can word their apologies to be more effective to those that they care for.
Additionally, Chapman goes into forgiving others and forgiving yourself for wronging others. To be honest, lately I've had a hard time forgiving myself with how I've handled situations both in the distant past and recently so these chapters spoke volumes to me. In that sense the book is also about self-healing, though that isn't the main focus. You can argue that healing your relationships leads to self healing and I would agree with you, but I'm sure there are other books that state this better.
If you've read or listened to Chapman before, then you know he is a religious man and that God always has a part in his books. I don't find that to be offensive, but that is just a heads up for the unaware. It isn't overbearing and there certainly isn't an attempt to convert anyone.
All said, I definitely recommend giving this book a read or a listen. It may help you become more aware of how you make amends with others and how to better do so.
Even if you don't prescribe to the Five Love Languages, you have to admit that there is a way you prefer people to speak to you, whether that is a partner, sibling, parent, or even a co-worker. I'm sure that even extends to the way people apologize to you and how they express it. This book goes into detail on the different ways Chapman feels that individuals receive and give apologies, and how they can word their apologies to be more effective to those that they care for.
Additionally, Chapman goes into forgiving others and forgiving yourself for wronging others. To be honest, lately I've had a hard time forgiving myself with how I've handled situations both in the distant past and recently so these chapters spoke volumes to me. In that sense the book is also about self-healing, though that isn't the main focus. You can argue that healing your relationships leads to self healing and I would agree with you, but I'm sure there are other books that state this better.
If you've read or listened to Chapman before, then you know he is a religious man and that God always has a part in his books. I don't find that to be offensive, but that is just a heads up for the unaware. It isn't overbearing and there certainly isn't an attempt to convert anyone.
All said, I definitely recommend giving this book a read or a listen. It may help you become more aware of how you make amends with others and how to better do so.
May 8, 2018
What a novel concept - that of having different languages of apology! I was familiar with the Love Language idea, but I hadn't thought to apply that to apologies until I saw that Chapman had written this book also! This was one of those books for me that made me say "Duh! Of course!" to myself because it really is a simple concept. I love learning more about myself & others around me. Knowing that we have different styles of apology, & being able to learn them & use them, gives me the option to make my relationships that much deeper & reliable. I really want to read his book titled Everybody Wins just for the sheer amount of examples I would have at my fingertips of how to respond using the differing Love Languages. Great concepts, great books, great author!
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