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Secure Relating: Holding Your Own in an Insecure World
Secure Relating offers a refreshing and innovative approach to understanding and improving relationships in today's increasingly polarized world. Drawing on over thirty years of professional clinical experience, authors Ann Kelley, Ph.D and Sue Marriott, LCSW, CGP integrate modern attachment theory, relational neuroscience, and depth psychology into practical tools for deepening self-awareness and navigating closeness with strength in even the most challenging relationships. Instead of the popular broad attachment categorizations, Secure Relating presents a nuanced understanding of attachment and interpersonal defensive patterns, allowing readers to delve into the complexities of their own experience and apply the specific skills they need. Refreshingly, Kelley and Marriott make complex concepts accessible and relatable, emphasizing the realistic capacity for neural change and psychological growth. They provide contemporary concepts and interactive tools such as the Modern Attachment Regulation Spectrum, a new framework that helps readers identify their unconscious defensive patterns, update and revise their personal narratives, and cultivate a secure state of mind amid chaos and adversity. Secure Relating delivers hope, connection, and empowerment amidst the many barriers to emotional closeness and provocations towards self-protection by offering a comprehensive approach to understanding and transforming all kinds of relationships into more secure and satisfying bonds.
352 pages, Hardcover
Published April 30, 2024
167 people are currently reading
2757 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 33 reviews
April 29, 2024
Thanks Sue Marriott for opening my eyes about healthy relationships. I have always kept my distant when a friendship starts to develop. I felt there was too much work you would have to put into the friendship so I pushed people away. Also I think if they got to know me too closely they would know I had flaws. It just seemed simpler if I had no friends. I regret that now that I have grown older. I think about people in my past that could have been lifelong friends. I highly recommend.
May 9, 2024
Funny how "put your oxygen mask on first" in the blue and red sections don't seem to line up. In the blue section they suggest that defenses can be highly engrained and you may need to leave the relationship - in the red section, if you read closely, there is more compassion. What's essentially being said is, if your partner is a "narcissist" you may need to leave them, but if they're a "borderline/hysteric", it may just be because you're causing it (yikes!). Not an even dose of "reality", I don't think. The book is written by two women, who I understand are partnered (and have their "leanings"), but they are also therapists. Let's not forget that these "hues" of color and relating are mirror images of each other. There are extremes at both ends. A man's wounding and emphasis on "facts" should be no less relevant than a woman's emphasis on "care". To meet in the middle (green) would require BOTH partners to "see" parts of themselves that they've disowned through conditioning (not "choice"), and are therefore extremely painful. I still like this book very much - but it is funny when you scrutinize what people and say and what they leave out. I had a female partner who was equally unwilling to meet in the middle. I'm sure we both felt like the "bad guy" in the end, but I think it can be easier to point the finger at the "avoidant" one. I've heard George Faller (New York EFT/"success in vulnerability"), Stan Tatkin, and Terry Real talk about the challenges of working with "red/anxious" partners. Funny how this book seems to give a little more "grace" to those individuals. AMAZING book, nonetheless, as it gets you thinking - always a sign of a great book. As I've heard George Faller (former firefighter trained by Sue Johnson during 9/11) say several times, "If I'm going into a fire, I don't want the guy next to me trying to talk about feelings." I think this is a fair assessment of the cultural paradox men face. Not so different from the female CEO who's labelled xyz because she's a woman. If these stances are, in fact, mirror images based in the SSP and childhood conditions, let's ensure our empathy functions the same for both women and men.
June 16, 2025
Must read. Read it back to back.
July 11, 2024
Reading this book is like a legit therapy session. As the authors explain, the real problems in our relationships don’t brew because we get snarky, clingy, or eye-rolly… “they arise when we feel justified and righteous, unaware that we are defensively activated.” I love this statement and the wonderful information about adult attachment styles offered by Marriott and Kelley. With their creative use of color, they show how individuals trend toward blue (dismissing/avoidant), red (preoccupied), tie-dye (disorganized), or green (secure) with corresponding patterns of reactivity. I came away better understanding myself, my relationships, and how to respond when someone around me is reacting defensively. Part 2 was my favorite because it was so practical, and part 3 was a bit dry and academic.
July 29, 2025
I took my sweet time with this book! Research heavy, but honestly it has been perspective shifting. If you want to feel more secure in your relationships and a healthier sense of sense, check this book out. Very grateful the authors put all of their work together in one place!
April 1, 2025
I recommend this book to help understand adult attachment –to help an individual move towards happiness (other contenders = Sue Johnson’s work or Polysecure’s Part I). The authors’ link this to broader social change succeeded as to articulating cause and effect of attachment/security and social stress (and I especially appreciated their attention to culture, gender, race, etc. as it filters human attachment experience) even if I was not convinced by the boldness of their claims about how fixing our own insecurities would lead to positive social change. Luckily, they spent limited time on those claims.
Listen to the authors’ podcast: www.therapistuncensored.com (See pp 42, 73, 82-3, 270-1: attachment assessment)
Xi […] the very foundation of our neural wiring causes us to crave love and belonging. From the moment we enter the world we seek connection […] when we feel secure, we are compassionate, flexible, benevolent, and connected to the well-being of the collective – whether that’s the “we” in our primary relationships or the “we” in humanity.
It’s also true that our core biology is designed to automatically switch into a focused self-protective mode when we feel threatened, and oh, do we feel threatened. […] Connection goes by the wayside when we are focused on defending ourselves or those we love.
Xiii A secure state of mind enables you to care about, advocate for, and be generous with people close to you and those you’ll never meet.
[…] Secure relating is about gathering the full force of our understandable fury and collecting our wits to act effectively rather than adding fuel to the fire with impotent rage.
Xv Secure relating starts with quieting the noise within you so you can engage in an honest reexamination of your assumptions about yourself, the stories you carry, and the policies you’ve adopted when it comes to dealing with other people. This practice will give you needed skills to hold on to your best self as you deal with your spirited child, angry partner, or your own reactions as you take in the latest distressing world news.
Xvii This pilgrimage toward building greater internal security can be unsettling, but it delivers. In therapy-speak it’s referred to as “earning security.”
Xix “It’s not me, it’s my amygdala.” […] You aren’t “intentionally” choosing to act in a way that seem [sic] needy or push away your loved ones – it’s truly your brain doing its job.
Xx The solution for the amygdala is always the same: increasing felt safety.
6 Generally, it’s the balance between thinking and feeling and being connected to yourself and others simultaneously that are hallmarks of a secure state of mind.
We tend to save our worst selves for our closest others.
23 Get curious about what triggered the response inside you beyond what the other person just did. Instead of “I’m mad because she keeps making a big deal about small things,” ask yourself: Why does hearing about small things bother me so much? What feelings does it stir and why?
[…] Learn to know and trust yourself so much that you recognize what parts of you listen to and when, and what parts may be whispering in your ear and steering you wrong.
25 [….] we must learn how to direct our attention inward rather than focusing on others as the cause of or the cure for relating securely.
[…] When in high defense, we are working outside in, but the process of secure relating is learning to work inside out: tracking our reactions and responding intentionally rather than reacting to what’s going on out there or pulling away because of what feel’s threatening to us. The point is to focus on what’s happening in here, right now, in this moment.
34 […] no sorting through the details or giving each other a more accurate picture of what happened will solve a problem when you’re stuck in the kind of figt that’s really about emotional security. […]
Our higher relational mind wants closeness but cannot get it as long as the lower defensive circuit hijacks the relational boat.
[…] understand[…] the differences in what each partner perceives as a threat, what the threat represents, and how our bodies respond. This is what the journey of secure relating is all about.
35 Any defensive reaction – blame, silence, or anything in between – is meant to help you move out of distress toward relief.
36 […] a pattern of a high need for “independence,” as he thinks of it. This is pseudo-security: a claim of being secure wen his actual needs and vulnerability are absent. [THIS]
52 […] people tend to overestimate the external environment when trying to understand our reactions.
68 Well before Bowlby, Blatz postulated the theory of security as the primary goal of the human being. He thought of security not simply as safety, which is subject to disruption, but as a cultivated state of mind nurtured through early relationships.
70 This mixed reaction, wanting comfort but not being able to take it in, gave rise to the label ambivalent.
71 This is one common misconception – labeling a child insecure instead of thinking of the relationship between the pair as insecure.
85 Also, the most effective way to change painful early relational learning is – you guessed it!—more secure relational experiences now.
100 […] amygdala pings […] rather than having fresh experiences that can update her old narrative, she perceives the event playing out according to the old script […] This means the history gets enacted yet again, further reinforcing the old story. If we don’t work through painful things that happened to us, we will often repeat them, a phenomenon called enactments.
108 […] these children are survivors who used whichever strategy worked at the moment.
110 Said most simply, if the bad outweighs the buffer, the anguish lodges in your body to be understood and processed later (when you do have the resources to cope).
Developmental trauma is associated with attachment disruption.
112 Chronically losing yourself as you compulsively caretake others is a common example of a by-product of unprocessed trauma. […]
The bind between wanting closeness but being too afraid to allow it (because at one point that vulnerability was actually dangerous) begins to get at the double bind of unprocessed trauma. Your amygdala “remembers” the danger of your longing even though your PFC does not.
117 When we act in ways that defy who we want to be, always start with massive doses of self-compassion [….] You can go from just surviving to growing and learning and healing.
[…] Love and understanding while you face your gremlins will physically heal your wounded brain and hurt heart.
125 We can’t rest in our own security if it doesn’t extend beyond ourselves and our own epicenter because to exclude social and contextual factors in a deep discussion of secure relating would be to ignore one of its core principles – holding self and holding others. This inherently means to securely relate we need to unravel how the systems we live in promote and suppress the sense of security in us and those around us. To make change beyond just us, we have to play the long game.
139 […] there are a few things we can agree upon as accepted knowns. The biological fundamentals of human beings having an attachment system are universal: it is innate and can be seen in other primates and mammals such as chimpanzees, dolphins, elephants, and dogs. However, the meaning we apply to behaviors that come from coping patterns is certainly culturally imbued. In short, there is a universal truth regarding our innate drive for love and relationships, but wide cultural variation in its expressions.
155-6 […] if you are even a tad more isolated or lonely than you wish to be or have people asking you for more connection than you know how to give, then learning about what we call blue activation will likely help you. […] reference to a neurological and psychological shift toward self-reliance and away from emotional activation [….]
159 But here is the rub, and we say it with love – fear of emotional intimacy is our version of oversensitivity. Our desire to avoid it at all costs is for us, not them. We are so sensitive to emotions that our body panics and cuts off. While shutting ourselves or others off may bring initial relief, it doesn’t resolve anything, grow the connection, or deepen each other’s understanding and closeness. […].
Where are your needs? Why are they the one who has them all?
160 We can have very high moral integrity. The problem is that our need for self-reliance and our tendency to miss emotional cues and deactivate our own emotions often get in the way of deeper intimacy. Our partners often feel that they are the only ones prioritizing connection, which can create tension and pain in our relationships. We let others hold the emotional weight, but then we’re shocked when they weary of that and want to let go.
161 These toddlers did experience the separation from their parents as stressful, but they were already unconsciously bypassing this awareness. They no longer sought outside care and nurturance to regulate themselves; they continued playing and did it by themselves.
Let that sink in … by twelve months old these kids had already shut down their awareness of their needs, […] had turned down their natural attachment behavior to seek others when upset, and they were already assuming they needed to handle things themselves.
162 Here is the most important part – it wasn’t that these children didn’t care to be close to their parents. Instead, they had figured out the right distance to keep their parents as available to them as possible. […] They figured out how close they could come without getting rejected – they may play near the parent but with their back turned – so they were actually seeking proximity if you knew what to look for. […]
To avoid this pain and vulnerability, our young self learns strategies to sidestep the feelings of rejection and keep our parents engaged and available to us. The apparent avoidance as it is called is not directed toward Mom or Dad. In fact, the opposite is true: it is a strategy for not driving away the parents by appearing too “needy,” thus avoiding rejection.
These toddlers had given up hope of receiving direct emotional comfort and had learned to bypass their awareness of their attachment need as an attempt to regulate themselves.
165 Those whose attachment map is blue-shaded often report a happy childhood, but many actually mean they have nothing to complain about [….] there may be evidence of needs missing they didn’t know how to miss, such as emotional warmth, comfort when upset, help with difficult feelings, and ongoing physical affection. As adults, blue leaners often focus on the aspects of their childhood that helped develop their strong sense of self-sufficiency and independence[…]
167 [Shame] They tend to take on an inappropriate degree of personal responsibility because, remember, that’s what they had to do early on in life.
171 Signs of Blue Activation […] hard because the whole point […] is to distance ourselves from vulnerability. […] Monitor yourself for misplaced impatience, excessively negative thoughts toward others, exasperation, and the urge to roll your eyes. Also be mindful of obligatory caregiving: that’s where you take care of the other person to get them to be okay ad thus not “need you,” or it’s when you gratify your own need to be the “helpful” one.
176 […] since asking for something makes you more aware that you have needs, and this can hit a layer of vulnerability you prefer to deny.
For example, “We don’t have enough sex” is not a come on – it’s not even a request – and it’s definitely not sexy. How about telling your lover, “I miss your body and want to be close to you. Can we make time to be together later today […]” You can’t seduce if you aren’t in touch with what you need and want.
182 Co-Regulation […] Despite what it seems, your person needs you to stay connected to your needs. It’s better for both of you.
184 Requests, care, seduction, and vulnerability work better than anger, almost always. It is easy to forget that vulnerability disarms defensiveness […] To soothe a blue leaner’s danger-scanning sonar, show your care first. […] assure your person that you remember and can hold their goodness.
187 If you are left feeling unworthy of kindness and respect or that you should bury your own needs, then we especially want to help you find your bold, sassy, and secure self. […] even if that means ending the relationship.
[…] Okay, if you lean blue […] you are probably over-estimating the emotional health and satisfaction of your family [….] what they seek from you: felt care and emotional connection.
188 […] give yourself a daily period during which your top priority is to connect with those you love.
195 Red leaners know how to love and love big, we just need to make sure there is mutuality when we give our heart.
196 When you are in the red, your anger is often related to feeling left out, forgotten, or anything that may be interpreted as rejection or abandonment, whereas in blue activation it is more likely that you are feeling invaded or insulted. It is also common for us to feel upset for giving too much of ourselves and feel like we don’t get the same back in return.
197 […] listening to our own cues and feelings. Throughout our personal lifetime, it has likely been more advantageous to read and meet others’ needs than to feel seen.
198 […] essential in our effort to be more direct with others: (1) being able to identify our wants and needs, and (2) being willing to express them directly.
[…] When you can let others be disappointed, you have more room to truly scan for your own desires and put them in the equation of your decisions and choices. This is likely better for all your relationships, trust us.
199 The goal is to develop your own secure self no matter what choices those around you make.
200 If we are upset that our partner has ignored us […] becoming angry and pointing to the evidence feels less vulnerable than tuning in to our fear that they do not want us. […]
Connect to your agency. Those with red-leaning attachment maps believe the resolution to anxiety or hurt feelings is in someone else’s hands.
201 […] focus on soothing your feelings […] whether your needs are met or not. Also, feeling like your request is valid and that you are worthy of asking sets up your body to feel more grounded.
234 I have needs – not too many and not too few; they are just needs. Of course, based on my history, the feelings of those needs are scary to me.
236 If you actually let yourself feel your heavy armor, it’s lonely and exhausting.
267 Compersion involves wrestling with your jealous and possessive feelings and even finding joy when your partner finds happiness and fulfillment in activities that do not involve you (gasp!), which is only possible in relationships where each of you have put in a lot of work getting comfortable with your sense of security. […] built on the belief in abundance rather than scarcity. [[Built on belief or on past experience?]]
269 The problem in this interaction wasn’t Andre’s lack of desire or Barrat’s reaction to his partner’s sexual approach; it was the missed connection between them.
276 The most powerful part of this process was not the insight but the process of living in his own imperfections with Mia and feeling care, compassion, and even increased value along the way. This is the impact of relational work. When we dive into the parts of us that we fear the most, in a safe and loving relationship experience, our body gets to rewrite and eventually rewire the old scripts and build new, more secure-related experiences.
300 Creating fear to maintain power is a sign of weakness that exposes a reluctance to confront one’s own vulnerability […]. True strength lies in acknowledging our vulnerabilities, embracing them, and working through the associated fear and pain.
301 We require love and a shared sense of purpose to propel us beyond our comfort zones, and to motivate us to take action that transcends convenience.
4 connection and protection circuits
5-6 secure relating defined
8 secure relating can happen inside oneself without needing others
19 blue zone activation: avoiding emotion and vulnerability
30 when “neediness” of other feels threatening; fixer self protects from one’s own disowned emotion
32 being grounded changes reactions
37 clarity, compassion, insight vs withdrawal and righteous anger
39 neurobiology: how to relate to accurate info instead of tapes of history
43 needing others -> getting worked up
46-7 amygdala: alarm system
48-9 hippocampus: safety, compassion
49-50 wise prefrontal cortex PFC
53 ventral vegal activation
55 freeze response to danger: opposite of consent
57 lullabies = co-regulation
61 how rx therapy changes client: “The cumulative experience of attuned, safe connection is established, and over time, this sense of security is then broadened.”
66-7 Harlow’s monkey: separation anxiety; depression/self-harm substitutes for external affection/softness
69 Ainsworth
72 internal working models
74-8 coherent self-narratives rx to secure attachment
84 attachment patterns (developmental) vs styles (social psychology/adults)
86 attachment maps: how we feel now interplay of states and traits
88-9 4th recollection (Buddha) and ability to trust others
90 healing through parenting
105-8 kids: disorganized/disoriented attachment; adults unresolved to dysregulated (or fearful-avoidant) attachment
128, 132-3 race, microaggression and attachment (stereotype threat)
130 psychological homelessness/displacement
136 important 55 attachment researchers consensus paper in Jan ‘21
137 mental health should take cultural and historical factors into account
157 emotional needs as “too much”
163 securely attached kids
173-4 Blues: improve listening; available for mutual emotional connection
191 Red: preoccupied/hypervigilant
192-3 Red: caregiver misses them; parents miss +/- cues while overrespond to signs of fear (kids learn world is fearful); dismissing patterns incl parents who amplify response to happiness/play and miss/avoid signs of distress
204 know wants & tolerate anger/ disappointment; compassion not responsible for them
205 claim yourself > defend yourself
237 3-R Healing Framework – Recognize, Reflect, and Rewire
238 recognizing “urge toward action.” Pause = 1st step to regulation – let PFC catch up.
240-1 Security priming (manifesting); curiosity > urgency
243 bottom-up processing
247 breath technique
250 memory reconsolidation
251 ideal parent figure protocol
284 contagious secure relating
293 powerful present as brain damaged; “acquired sociopathy”
Listen to the authors’ podcast: www.therapistuncensored.com (See pp 42, 73, 82-3, 270-1: attachment assessment)
Xi […] the very foundation of our neural wiring causes us to crave love and belonging. From the moment we enter the world we seek connection […] when we feel secure, we are compassionate, flexible, benevolent, and connected to the well-being of the collective – whether that’s the “we” in our primary relationships or the “we” in humanity.
It’s also true that our core biology is designed to automatically switch into a focused self-protective mode when we feel threatened, and oh, do we feel threatened. […] Connection goes by the wayside when we are focused on defending ourselves or those we love.
Xiii A secure state of mind enables you to care about, advocate for, and be generous with people close to you and those you’ll never meet.
[…] Secure relating is about gathering the full force of our understandable fury and collecting our wits to act effectively rather than adding fuel to the fire with impotent rage.
Xv Secure relating starts with quieting the noise within you so you can engage in an honest reexamination of your assumptions about yourself, the stories you carry, and the policies you’ve adopted when it comes to dealing with other people. This practice will give you needed skills to hold on to your best self as you deal with your spirited child, angry partner, or your own reactions as you take in the latest distressing world news.
Xvii This pilgrimage toward building greater internal security can be unsettling, but it delivers. In therapy-speak it’s referred to as “earning security.”
Xix “It’s not me, it’s my amygdala.” […] You aren’t “intentionally” choosing to act in a way that seem [sic] needy or push away your loved ones – it’s truly your brain doing its job.
Xx The solution for the amygdala is always the same: increasing felt safety.
6 Generally, it’s the balance between thinking and feeling and being connected to yourself and others simultaneously that are hallmarks of a secure state of mind.
We tend to save our worst selves for our closest others.
23 Get curious about what triggered the response inside you beyond what the other person just did. Instead of “I’m mad because she keeps making a big deal about small things,” ask yourself: Why does hearing about small things bother me so much? What feelings does it stir and why?
[…] Learn to know and trust yourself so much that you recognize what parts of you listen to and when, and what parts may be whispering in your ear and steering you wrong.
25 [….] we must learn how to direct our attention inward rather than focusing on others as the cause of or the cure for relating securely.
[…] When in high defense, we are working outside in, but the process of secure relating is learning to work inside out: tracking our reactions and responding intentionally rather than reacting to what’s going on out there or pulling away because of what feel’s threatening to us. The point is to focus on what’s happening in here, right now, in this moment.
34 […] no sorting through the details or giving each other a more accurate picture of what happened will solve a problem when you’re stuck in the kind of figt that’s really about emotional security. […]
Our higher relational mind wants closeness but cannot get it as long as the lower defensive circuit hijacks the relational boat.
[…] understand[…] the differences in what each partner perceives as a threat, what the threat represents, and how our bodies respond. This is what the journey of secure relating is all about.
35 Any defensive reaction – blame, silence, or anything in between – is meant to help you move out of distress toward relief.
36 […] a pattern of a high need for “independence,” as he thinks of it. This is pseudo-security: a claim of being secure wen his actual needs and vulnerability are absent. [THIS]
52 […] people tend to overestimate the external environment when trying to understand our reactions.
68 Well before Bowlby, Blatz postulated the theory of security as the primary goal of the human being. He thought of security not simply as safety, which is subject to disruption, but as a cultivated state of mind nurtured through early relationships.
70 This mixed reaction, wanting comfort but not being able to take it in, gave rise to the label ambivalent.
71 This is one common misconception – labeling a child insecure instead of thinking of the relationship between the pair as insecure.
85 Also, the most effective way to change painful early relational learning is – you guessed it!—more secure relational experiences now.
100 […] amygdala pings […] rather than having fresh experiences that can update her old narrative, she perceives the event playing out according to the old script […] This means the history gets enacted yet again, further reinforcing the old story. If we don’t work through painful things that happened to us, we will often repeat them, a phenomenon called enactments.
108 […] these children are survivors who used whichever strategy worked at the moment.
110 Said most simply, if the bad outweighs the buffer, the anguish lodges in your body to be understood and processed later (when you do have the resources to cope).
Developmental trauma is associated with attachment disruption.
112 Chronically losing yourself as you compulsively caretake others is a common example of a by-product of unprocessed trauma. […]
The bind between wanting closeness but being too afraid to allow it (because at one point that vulnerability was actually dangerous) begins to get at the double bind of unprocessed trauma. Your amygdala “remembers” the danger of your longing even though your PFC does not.
117 When we act in ways that defy who we want to be, always start with massive doses of self-compassion [….] You can go from just surviving to growing and learning and healing.
[…] Love and understanding while you face your gremlins will physically heal your wounded brain and hurt heart.
125 We can’t rest in our own security if it doesn’t extend beyond ourselves and our own epicenter because to exclude social and contextual factors in a deep discussion of secure relating would be to ignore one of its core principles – holding self and holding others. This inherently means to securely relate we need to unravel how the systems we live in promote and suppress the sense of security in us and those around us. To make change beyond just us, we have to play the long game.
139 […] there are a few things we can agree upon as accepted knowns. The biological fundamentals of human beings having an attachment system are universal: it is innate and can be seen in other primates and mammals such as chimpanzees, dolphins, elephants, and dogs. However, the meaning we apply to behaviors that come from coping patterns is certainly culturally imbued. In short, there is a universal truth regarding our innate drive for love and relationships, but wide cultural variation in its expressions.
155-6 […] if you are even a tad more isolated or lonely than you wish to be or have people asking you for more connection than you know how to give, then learning about what we call blue activation will likely help you. […] reference to a neurological and psychological shift toward self-reliance and away from emotional activation [….]
159 But here is the rub, and we say it with love – fear of emotional intimacy is our version of oversensitivity. Our desire to avoid it at all costs is for us, not them. We are so sensitive to emotions that our body panics and cuts off. While shutting ourselves or others off may bring initial relief, it doesn’t resolve anything, grow the connection, or deepen each other’s understanding and closeness. […].
Where are your needs? Why are they the one who has them all?
160 We can have very high moral integrity. The problem is that our need for self-reliance and our tendency to miss emotional cues and deactivate our own emotions often get in the way of deeper intimacy. Our partners often feel that they are the only ones prioritizing connection, which can create tension and pain in our relationships. We let others hold the emotional weight, but then we’re shocked when they weary of that and want to let go.
161 These toddlers did experience the separation from their parents as stressful, but they were already unconsciously bypassing this awareness. They no longer sought outside care and nurturance to regulate themselves; they continued playing and did it by themselves.
Let that sink in … by twelve months old these kids had already shut down their awareness of their needs, […] had turned down their natural attachment behavior to seek others when upset, and they were already assuming they needed to handle things themselves.
162 Here is the most important part – it wasn’t that these children didn’t care to be close to their parents. Instead, they had figured out the right distance to keep their parents as available to them as possible. […] They figured out how close they could come without getting rejected – they may play near the parent but with their back turned – so they were actually seeking proximity if you knew what to look for. […]
To avoid this pain and vulnerability, our young self learns strategies to sidestep the feelings of rejection and keep our parents engaged and available to us. The apparent avoidance as it is called is not directed toward Mom or Dad. In fact, the opposite is true: it is a strategy for not driving away the parents by appearing too “needy,” thus avoiding rejection.
These toddlers had given up hope of receiving direct emotional comfort and had learned to bypass their awareness of their attachment need as an attempt to regulate themselves.
165 Those whose attachment map is blue-shaded often report a happy childhood, but many actually mean they have nothing to complain about [….] there may be evidence of needs missing they didn’t know how to miss, such as emotional warmth, comfort when upset, help with difficult feelings, and ongoing physical affection. As adults, blue leaners often focus on the aspects of their childhood that helped develop their strong sense of self-sufficiency and independence[…]
167 [Shame] They tend to take on an inappropriate degree of personal responsibility because, remember, that’s what they had to do early on in life.
171 Signs of Blue Activation […] hard because the whole point […] is to distance ourselves from vulnerability. […] Monitor yourself for misplaced impatience, excessively negative thoughts toward others, exasperation, and the urge to roll your eyes. Also be mindful of obligatory caregiving: that’s where you take care of the other person to get them to be okay ad thus not “need you,” or it’s when you gratify your own need to be the “helpful” one.
176 […] since asking for something makes you more aware that you have needs, and this can hit a layer of vulnerability you prefer to deny.
For example, “We don’t have enough sex” is not a come on – it’s not even a request – and it’s definitely not sexy. How about telling your lover, “I miss your body and want to be close to you. Can we make time to be together later today […]” You can’t seduce if you aren’t in touch with what you need and want.
182 Co-Regulation […] Despite what it seems, your person needs you to stay connected to your needs. It’s better for both of you.
184 Requests, care, seduction, and vulnerability work better than anger, almost always. It is easy to forget that vulnerability disarms defensiveness […] To soothe a blue leaner’s danger-scanning sonar, show your care first. […] assure your person that you remember and can hold their goodness.
187 If you are left feeling unworthy of kindness and respect or that you should bury your own needs, then we especially want to help you find your bold, sassy, and secure self. […] even if that means ending the relationship.
[…] Okay, if you lean blue […] you are probably over-estimating the emotional health and satisfaction of your family [….] what they seek from you: felt care and emotional connection.
188 […] give yourself a daily period during which your top priority is to connect with those you love.
195 Red leaners know how to love and love big, we just need to make sure there is mutuality when we give our heart.
196 When you are in the red, your anger is often related to feeling left out, forgotten, or anything that may be interpreted as rejection or abandonment, whereas in blue activation it is more likely that you are feeling invaded or insulted. It is also common for us to feel upset for giving too much of ourselves and feel like we don’t get the same back in return.
197 […] listening to our own cues and feelings. Throughout our personal lifetime, it has likely been more advantageous to read and meet others’ needs than to feel seen.
198 […] essential in our effort to be more direct with others: (1) being able to identify our wants and needs, and (2) being willing to express them directly.
[…] When you can let others be disappointed, you have more room to truly scan for your own desires and put them in the equation of your decisions and choices. This is likely better for all your relationships, trust us.
199 The goal is to develop your own secure self no matter what choices those around you make.
200 If we are upset that our partner has ignored us […] becoming angry and pointing to the evidence feels less vulnerable than tuning in to our fear that they do not want us. […]
Connect to your agency. Those with red-leaning attachment maps believe the resolution to anxiety or hurt feelings is in someone else’s hands.
201 […] focus on soothing your feelings […] whether your needs are met or not. Also, feeling like your request is valid and that you are worthy of asking sets up your body to feel more grounded.
234 I have needs – not too many and not too few; they are just needs. Of course, based on my history, the feelings of those needs are scary to me.
236 If you actually let yourself feel your heavy armor, it’s lonely and exhausting.
267 Compersion involves wrestling with your jealous and possessive feelings and even finding joy when your partner finds happiness and fulfillment in activities that do not involve you (gasp!), which is only possible in relationships where each of you have put in a lot of work getting comfortable with your sense of security. […] built on the belief in abundance rather than scarcity. [[Built on belief or on past experience?]]
269 The problem in this interaction wasn’t Andre’s lack of desire or Barrat’s reaction to his partner’s sexual approach; it was the missed connection between them.
276 The most powerful part of this process was not the insight but the process of living in his own imperfections with Mia and feeling care, compassion, and even increased value along the way. This is the impact of relational work. When we dive into the parts of us that we fear the most, in a safe and loving relationship experience, our body gets to rewrite and eventually rewire the old scripts and build new, more secure-related experiences.
300 Creating fear to maintain power is a sign of weakness that exposes a reluctance to confront one’s own vulnerability […]. True strength lies in acknowledging our vulnerabilities, embracing them, and working through the associated fear and pain.
301 We require love and a shared sense of purpose to propel us beyond our comfort zones, and to motivate us to take action that transcends convenience.
4 connection and protection circuits
5-6 secure relating defined
8 secure relating can happen inside oneself without needing others
19 blue zone activation: avoiding emotion and vulnerability
30 when “neediness” of other feels threatening; fixer self protects from one’s own disowned emotion
32 being grounded changes reactions
37 clarity, compassion, insight vs withdrawal and righteous anger
39 neurobiology: how to relate to accurate info instead of tapes of history
43 needing others -> getting worked up
46-7 amygdala: alarm system
48-9 hippocampus: safety, compassion
49-50 wise prefrontal cortex PFC
53 ventral vegal activation
55 freeze response to danger: opposite of consent
57 lullabies = co-regulation
61 how rx therapy changes client: “The cumulative experience of attuned, safe connection is established, and over time, this sense of security is then broadened.”
66-7 Harlow’s monkey: separation anxiety; depression/self-harm substitutes for external affection/softness
69 Ainsworth
72 internal working models
74-8 coherent self-narratives rx to secure attachment
84 attachment patterns (developmental) vs styles (social psychology/adults)
86 attachment maps: how we feel now interplay of states and traits
88-9 4th recollection (Buddha) and ability to trust others
90 healing through parenting
105-8 kids: disorganized/disoriented attachment; adults unresolved to dysregulated (or fearful-avoidant) attachment
128, 132-3 race, microaggression and attachment (stereotype threat)
130 psychological homelessness/displacement
136 important 55 attachment researchers consensus paper in Jan ‘21
137 mental health should take cultural and historical factors into account
157 emotional needs as “too much”
163 securely attached kids
173-4 Blues: improve listening; available for mutual emotional connection
191 Red: preoccupied/hypervigilant
192-3 Red: caregiver misses them; parents miss +/- cues while overrespond to signs of fear (kids learn world is fearful); dismissing patterns incl parents who amplify response to happiness/play and miss/avoid signs of distress
204 know wants & tolerate anger/ disappointment; compassion not responsible for them
205 claim yourself > defend yourself
237 3-R Healing Framework – Recognize, Reflect, and Rewire
238 recognizing “urge toward action.” Pause = 1st step to regulation – let PFC catch up.
240-1 Security priming (manifesting); curiosity > urgency
243 bottom-up processing
247 breath technique
250 memory reconsolidation
251 ideal parent figure protocol
284 contagious secure relating
293 powerful present as brain damaged; “acquired sociopathy”
July 2, 2025
4.5 rounding up to 5.
More tangible and tactical break down of attachment (than the book Attachment). A fan of the blue-green-red framing. Parts of it can be skipped but the details on red and blue tendencies are a good read.
More tangible and tactical break down of attachment (than the book Attachment). A fan of the blue-green-red framing. Parts of it can be skipped but the details on red and blue tendencies are a good read.
September 29, 2024
If you read only one non-fiction, relationship improvement, self-help or personal development book this year, CHOOSE THIS ONE!
Without a doubt, Secure Relating: Holding Your Own in an Insecure World is the most impactful book I have read in many years - both professionally and personally.
An important aspect of this book is that it was intentionally written for both professionals and the general public. While the neuroscience of human connection is unquestionably complex and can be difficult to comprehend, the authors use clear language, metaphors and non-pathologizing case examples to guide the readers through key concepts such as important biological, sociological, and cultural influences. They also provide direction to skip certain chapters if readers become confused about the material and for those who do not want to spend time with this level of details about the topic.
This book is uniquely refreshing in that not only does it provide detailed explanations of the human connection- and protection-systems based on decades of research within neuroscience, attachment and interpersonal relationships, but it also allows readers to see how these important aspects fit together within and between individuals. Readers are shown how we humans make errors in perception when we continue using the “lenses” and reactive behaviors we adopted in childhood in order to feel and stay safe. When individuals have not upgraded their “interpersonal software” (which may include resolving issues from earlier in our lives), we often continue to use the same perceptions and behaviors we used in the past to help us feel safe within our relationships, communities and feel a sense of belonging within the world. This leaves us at a distinct disadvantage when connecting with others. Without change, using this woefully simplistic “software” created in childhood informing us about our adult relationships will inevitably lead us to have discord, conflicts, and misattunement with our most important people.
Further, the authors identify that some traumatic events in individuals’ lives have created strong and automatic reaction (intended to maintain safety courtesy of the Autonomic Nervous System) that have affected individuals to such an extreme degree that they may also require “hardware updates” (via memory reconsolidation). They mention several empirically supported treatment or therapy approaches to allow for filing away the mistaken beliefs and traumatic events into the past where they belong instead of allowing the experience to be kept alive in the present as though it is currently happening.
As a clinician, no matter which treatment modality I use in treatment, clients who read this book quickly pick up the idea of “Blue,” “Red,” and “Green” in terms of connecting with and protecting against others in their lives. While it is considerably more complex than the color-coded description, non-professional readers will be able to grasp the concepts easily enough to actively use in their lives. The authors provide ample information and guidance to allow for self-reflection within the book (finding oneself on the spectrum). They also help readers identify aspects and behaviors that inadvertently send messages that something isn’t’ right between them and their important others. By practicing the suggested activities provided in the book, readers can practice new behaviors to address the tendencies to respond in certain ways that led them to be “misattuned” with their important others.
The authors suggest that we be inquisitive about the way we and our important others respond the way that we do (inviting curiosity and empathy). Many clinical theories employ this evocation of curiosity and perspective-taking to move past perceived differences to highlight that we typically have more similarities than differences overall. This is where the phrase “some assembly required” applies to this book (as it does with most other self-help or relationship improvement books). Readers will certainly be introduced to important biopsychosocial factors and concepts, but most of us likely need to make changes in our interactions with others; and to be optimally successful, it may be important to find a trained professional to assist in the process of exploring and understanding the concepts more deeply. I have no doubt that this book will greatly help anyone who reads it to better understand our own internal system of connection/protection and by learning to understand that our partners have reasonable motives for being primed to respond to others the way they do.
This book brings so much hope and encouragement to building more security within ourselves as individuals, between ourselves and our important others, as well as giving an admirable nod towards a possible future of learning to actively listen to others with whom we have significant ideological differences. By being able to hold enough security within ourselves to actively listen to and have curiosity about another person’s perceptions without automatically “rushing in to correct the person about what they got wrong,” we can flip the script on the trend towards extreme tribalism. While this may take time to notice within larger systems, such changes can certainly make differences within a person as another human holds space to genuinely attempt to understand an opposing opinion. Over time, allowing space to have genuine consideration that we may have missed something critical and bring “a pause” or “a beat” to genuinely consider the other person’s perspective as being as valid for them as our own feels to us.
Perhaps consider doing yourself and your loved ones a favor by reading this book. It will undoubtedly make a difference worth your time and energy.
Without a doubt, Secure Relating: Holding Your Own in an Insecure World is the most impactful book I have read in many years - both professionally and personally.
An important aspect of this book is that it was intentionally written for both professionals and the general public. While the neuroscience of human connection is unquestionably complex and can be difficult to comprehend, the authors use clear language, metaphors and non-pathologizing case examples to guide the readers through key concepts such as important biological, sociological, and cultural influences. They also provide direction to skip certain chapters if readers become confused about the material and for those who do not want to spend time with this level of details about the topic.
This book is uniquely refreshing in that not only does it provide detailed explanations of the human connection- and protection-systems based on decades of research within neuroscience, attachment and interpersonal relationships, but it also allows readers to see how these important aspects fit together within and between individuals. Readers are shown how we humans make errors in perception when we continue using the “lenses” and reactive behaviors we adopted in childhood in order to feel and stay safe. When individuals have not upgraded their “interpersonal software” (which may include resolving issues from earlier in our lives), we often continue to use the same perceptions and behaviors we used in the past to help us feel safe within our relationships, communities and feel a sense of belonging within the world. This leaves us at a distinct disadvantage when connecting with others. Without change, using this woefully simplistic “software” created in childhood informing us about our adult relationships will inevitably lead us to have discord, conflicts, and misattunement with our most important people.
Further, the authors identify that some traumatic events in individuals’ lives have created strong and automatic reaction (intended to maintain safety courtesy of the Autonomic Nervous System) that have affected individuals to such an extreme degree that they may also require “hardware updates” (via memory reconsolidation). They mention several empirically supported treatment or therapy approaches to allow for filing away the mistaken beliefs and traumatic events into the past where they belong instead of allowing the experience to be kept alive in the present as though it is currently happening.
As a clinician, no matter which treatment modality I use in treatment, clients who read this book quickly pick up the idea of “Blue,” “Red,” and “Green” in terms of connecting with and protecting against others in their lives. While it is considerably more complex than the color-coded description, non-professional readers will be able to grasp the concepts easily enough to actively use in their lives. The authors provide ample information and guidance to allow for self-reflection within the book (finding oneself on the spectrum). They also help readers identify aspects and behaviors that inadvertently send messages that something isn’t’ right between them and their important others. By practicing the suggested activities provided in the book, readers can practice new behaviors to address the tendencies to respond in certain ways that led them to be “misattuned” with their important others.
The authors suggest that we be inquisitive about the way we and our important others respond the way that we do (inviting curiosity and empathy). Many clinical theories employ this evocation of curiosity and perspective-taking to move past perceived differences to highlight that we typically have more similarities than differences overall. This is where the phrase “some assembly required” applies to this book (as it does with most other self-help or relationship improvement books). Readers will certainly be introduced to important biopsychosocial factors and concepts, but most of us likely need to make changes in our interactions with others; and to be optimally successful, it may be important to find a trained professional to assist in the process of exploring and understanding the concepts more deeply. I have no doubt that this book will greatly help anyone who reads it to better understand our own internal system of connection/protection and by learning to understand that our partners have reasonable motives for being primed to respond to others the way they do.
This book brings so much hope and encouragement to building more security within ourselves as individuals, between ourselves and our important others, as well as giving an admirable nod towards a possible future of learning to actively listen to others with whom we have significant ideological differences. By being able to hold enough security within ourselves to actively listen to and have curiosity about another person’s perceptions without automatically “rushing in to correct the person about what they got wrong,” we can flip the script on the trend towards extreme tribalism. While this may take time to notice within larger systems, such changes can certainly make differences within a person as another human holds space to genuinely attempt to understand an opposing opinion. Over time, allowing space to have genuine consideration that we may have missed something critical and bring “a pause” or “a beat” to genuinely consider the other person’s perspective as being as valid for them as our own feels to us.
Perhaps consider doing yourself and your loved ones a favor by reading this book. It will undoubtedly make a difference worth your time and energy.
June 5, 2024
Amazing. Really dives into all of the research about attachment and makes it directly practically relevant for creating more secure relationships of all types.
I love that they wove in social justice themes.
There is an utterly unhinged review on here that claims that the authors aren’t empathetic enough to men. They worship John Bowlby and go out of their way to place men’s bad behavior in the context of trauma, toxic cultural socializing, and attachment. I think some people aren’t satisfied that we’re “kind enough to men” unless we excuse and enable their horrible behavior.
I love that they wove in social justice themes.
There is an utterly unhinged review on here that claims that the authors aren’t empathetic enough to men. They worship John Bowlby and go out of their way to place men’s bad behavior in the context of trauma, toxic cultural socializing, and attachment. I think some people aren’t satisfied that we’re “kind enough to men” unless we excuse and enable their horrible behavior.
April 21, 2024
I've never been able to hold onto friendships and my attachment style and bonds aren't healthy. This book is already making me feel like I can relearn and find better relationships.
May 28, 2025
HIGHLIGHTS:
1. We tend to save our worst selves for our closest others.
2. Secure attachments, have a trusting relationship with early caregivers and patterns of trust in oneself and others in adulthood.
- Anyone can relate securely.
- Security relating means we are working from the inside out.
- Noticing what triggers you can be a way of scanning for hitches in the system.
3. Defensiveness:
- When we are defensive, we often don’t think we are defensive, we are right and they are wrong, end of story.
- Recognize what parts of you to listen to, and when. Gaining awareness of your internal stories and how your body tends to protect itself, really comes in.
- Relationships bruise when we feel justified and righteous, unaware that we are defensively activated or in caring about the impact on those close to us. It’s when we refuse to be aware and vulnerable.
- Security is love and trust embodied. Insecure is fear internalized.
4. We are born with a sensitive alarm system with no off switch or volume control.
- Understanding our nervous system and updating our narratives about ourselves and the sometimes threatening world we live in is vital in helping you reconnect with your best humanity.
5. Co-regulation: Singing steadies the breath and helps the voice maintain a calmer tone.
6. Chronically losing yourself as you compulsively caretake others is a common example of a by-product of unprocessed trauma.
7. Maintaining and passing down whatever protective strategies work is a natural side effect of living in a threatening environment.
8. Toxic invulnerability: the rigid defensiveness without a willingness to change
9. The more specifically you understand your own activation, the more quickly you will become able to spot when it is happening and begin managing it.
- You don’t have to actually fix anything or please them. Just be with them and see if you can understand their message accurately.
- Boundaries provide clarity.
- Being clear with yourself first, then with others, and holding that in importance.
- Giving your body the memory of holding your own is surprisingly effective.
- Your sense of impatience and activation is coming from inside the building.
10. Your goal is to not direct your therapy. It’s to take risks and show up authentically together.
- Maximizing your healing requires understanding best practices and what to look for.
- Allowing yourself to be influenced is a sign of security, so hearing complaints without becoming defensive is a powerful green zone move.
11. In good “enough relationships”, each person has mostly made peace with the others quirks and idiosyncrasies so that they mostly love and accept each other as they are.
12. “Love”, the verb, is doing the harder thing because you love them, the right thing for the couple, not just for you .
- What matters is that you come back together feeling close, insecure again, high conflict couples.
- Having a primary relationship helps us ground to the world in a safer more secure way.
13. Interactive regulation: we synchronize and amplify feelings, such as stress, anger, and fear.
14. When we dive into the parts of us that we fear the most, in a safe and loving relationship experience, our body gets to rewrite and eventually rewire the old scripts and build new, more secure related experiences.
15. Real change takes time and patience. We are working to shift long-term wiring, and that will involve getting triggered toward old patterns.
1. We tend to save our worst selves for our closest others.
2. Secure attachments, have a trusting relationship with early caregivers and patterns of trust in oneself and others in adulthood.
- Anyone can relate securely.
- Security relating means we are working from the inside out.
- Noticing what triggers you can be a way of scanning for hitches in the system.
3. Defensiveness:
- When we are defensive, we often don’t think we are defensive, we are right and they are wrong, end of story.
- Recognize what parts of you to listen to, and when. Gaining awareness of your internal stories and how your body tends to protect itself, really comes in.
- Relationships bruise when we feel justified and righteous, unaware that we are defensively activated or in caring about the impact on those close to us. It’s when we refuse to be aware and vulnerable.
- Security is love and trust embodied. Insecure is fear internalized.
4. We are born with a sensitive alarm system with no off switch or volume control.
- Understanding our nervous system and updating our narratives about ourselves and the sometimes threatening world we live in is vital in helping you reconnect with your best humanity.
5. Co-regulation: Singing steadies the breath and helps the voice maintain a calmer tone.
6. Chronically losing yourself as you compulsively caretake others is a common example of a by-product of unprocessed trauma.
7. Maintaining and passing down whatever protective strategies work is a natural side effect of living in a threatening environment.
8. Toxic invulnerability: the rigid defensiveness without a willingness to change
9. The more specifically you understand your own activation, the more quickly you will become able to spot when it is happening and begin managing it.
- You don’t have to actually fix anything or please them. Just be with them and see if you can understand their message accurately.
- Boundaries provide clarity.
- Being clear with yourself first, then with others, and holding that in importance.
- Giving your body the memory of holding your own is surprisingly effective.
- Your sense of impatience and activation is coming from inside the building.
10. Your goal is to not direct your therapy. It’s to take risks and show up authentically together.
- Maximizing your healing requires understanding best practices and what to look for.
- Allowing yourself to be influenced is a sign of security, so hearing complaints without becoming defensive is a powerful green zone move.
11. In good “enough relationships”, each person has mostly made peace with the others quirks and idiosyncrasies so that they mostly love and accept each other as they are.
12. “Love”, the verb, is doing the harder thing because you love them, the right thing for the couple, not just for you .
- What matters is that you come back together feeling close, insecure again, high conflict couples.
- Having a primary relationship helps us ground to the world in a safer more secure way.
13. Interactive regulation: we synchronize and amplify feelings, such as stress, anger, and fear.
14. When we dive into the parts of us that we fear the most, in a safe and loving relationship experience, our body gets to rewrite and eventually rewire the old scripts and build new, more secure related experiences.
15. Real change takes time and patience. We are working to shift long-term wiring, and that will involve getting triggered toward old patterns.
May 18, 2025
Best book I have read on the topic of attachment. And I have read quite a few!
This book provides a framework to improve our existing attachment style to become more secure. A lot of books I have read introduce the types and explain away each type’s strengths and weaknesses. This book claims that Secure relating is a practice, not a personality trait.
It’s about learning to stay grounded and connected even when others are reactive, distant, or chaotic.
Another useful tool is the MARS (Modern Attachment Regulation Spectrum)
A visual tool to track emotional state:
🟢 Green = regulated, open, connected
🔴 Red = activated, reactive, anxious
🔵 Blue = shut down, withdrawn, avoidant
Goal: Notice where I am and gently shift back toward green.
I loved the colorful diagram that describes various attachment types and actions they do along this MARS spectrum.
It gave me hope and tactical tools to rewire my patterns through awareness, reflection, and practice and shift towards the green.
Boundaries are protect connection by keeping me honest and safe. Conflict isn’t failure it’s an opportunity for repair.
Secure relating is contagious. When I show up with calm, clarity, and care, others often soften too. I was surprised how quickly it worked!
However progress isn’t linear - old patterns sometimes emerge under stress. So it is crucial to be pragmatic and focus on repair instead of idealistically trying to avoid conflicts.
This book provides a framework to improve our existing attachment style to become more secure. A lot of books I have read introduce the types and explain away each type’s strengths and weaknesses. This book claims that Secure relating is a practice, not a personality trait.
It’s about learning to stay grounded and connected even when others are reactive, distant, or chaotic.
Another useful tool is the MARS (Modern Attachment Regulation Spectrum)
A visual tool to track emotional state:
🟢 Green = regulated, open, connected
🔴 Red = activated, reactive, anxious
🔵 Blue = shut down, withdrawn, avoidant
Goal: Notice where I am and gently shift back toward green.
I loved the colorful diagram that describes various attachment types and actions they do along this MARS spectrum.
It gave me hope and tactical tools to rewire my patterns through awareness, reflection, and practice and shift towards the green.
Boundaries are protect connection by keeping me honest and safe. Conflict isn’t failure it’s an opportunity for repair.
Secure relating is contagious. When I show up with calm, clarity, and care, others often soften too. I was surprised how quickly it worked!
However progress isn’t linear - old patterns sometimes emerge under stress. So it is crucial to be pragmatic and focus on repair instead of idealistically trying to avoid conflicts.
September 11, 2024
I have to say that I came into this book already a fan of the authors, but this book still blew my mind and surprised me with how practical the concept of secure relating is and how easily they broke it down for anybody to access. People get worked up about attachment status, and this book takes a big step back to simply focus on how we can work towards relating to one another better--based on a lot of brain science and research--in any given moment. The book is helpful for being more aware of what kind of a state we're in during a given moment. The entire tone of the book is super compassionate, human and, very inclusive. I absolutely loved it. It takes what can be the overwhelming concept of attachment and very kindly shifts it into a framework that you can use (or not--because some days we're just not there) day to day or moment to moment.
August 2, 2024
This book has been a game changer for me and my husband in understanding how our attachment patterns play out in our relationship. It is well written- engaging, science-based yet easy to understand, and applicable to how we each view ourselves becoming dysregulated. My husband identifies as a “blue” leaner and has told me that this book has helped him understand himself better- something that therapy, podcasts and other books haven’t quite tapped into for him. I recommend this book for anyone looking to better understand themselves and those around them in a non judgmental and compassionate light.
August 18, 2024
Possibly the best self-help/psych book I've ever read!
A very nuanced look at attachment theory, well supported by the authors' deep dive into the history of the theory as well as current neuroscience.
It's a very hopeful book that offers practical tools for growth and change on personal, interpersonal, and community-wide levels. I also appreciated how the authors considered how mental health and relationships are affected by social and cultural factors.
I personally felt both understood and supported, and I know I will return to my copious notes many times.
A very nuanced look at attachment theory, well supported by the authors' deep dive into the history of the theory as well as current neuroscience.
It's a very hopeful book that offers practical tools for growth and change on personal, interpersonal, and community-wide levels. I also appreciated how the authors considered how mental health and relationships are affected by social and cultural factors.
I personally felt both understood and supported, and I know I will return to my copious notes many times.
July 31, 2024
This book is so beautifully written it feels like a warm hug to read. It is rich with current research in the field of neuroscience and attachment that is palatable to the lay person providing increased enrichment and safety to every relationship in our lives. It truly is a road map to strengthen ourselves in what feels like an unsafe world. An absolute must read for anyone interested in being the best version of themselves.
August 17, 2024
I really enjoyed and related to the section on anxious/reactive attachment. I obtained valuable insight on my emotions and how to handle them. I also received better advice on how to handle my anxiety when interacting with more avoidant styles.
I didn't gain as much from the sections on trauma and modern day divisions in society, but these sections didn't detract enough to make me dislike the book overall.
I didn't gain as much from the sections on trauma and modern day divisions in society, but these sections didn't detract enough to make me dislike the book overall.
December 27, 2024
Best book of 2024! For anyone that’s familiar with attachment theory, you haven’t read it like this before. An updated text with neurobiology for the nerds and easy to digest case studies for everyone. I always felt attachment theory was so lodged in early care-giver relationships and threw up its hands when people reached adulthood. No more! Ann and Sue have connected the dots after years of research and work with clients. 10/10
June 22, 2025
An interesting book.
Authors are well qualified and investigate interpersonal relations in depth on a variety of topics. Many new frameworks and useful strategies for navigating your own instincts and connections with others are presented, and some sections are truly insightful.
The flip side is that not everything feels relatable -- some parts in particular feel a little like an overreach/presumptive -- but I think a careful re-read of specific passages would have a lot of value.
Authors are well qualified and investigate interpersonal relations in depth on a variety of topics. Many new frameworks and useful strategies for navigating your own instincts and connections with others are presented, and some sections are truly insightful.
The flip side is that not everything feels relatable -- some parts in particular feel a little like an overreach/presumptive -- but I think a careful re-read of specific passages would have a lot of value.
September 9, 2024
This book is incredible to discover your attachment style, the science behind it, understanding yourself, building your moral compass, and other complex concepts that Sue does a fabulous job of breaking apart and explaining and reinstilling- hope. I loved every page and learned so much about myself.
June 12, 2025
I really appreciated the content of this book and felt it was relatable and informative for both clinicians and for those interested in learning more about how to connect and relate to others better. My only critique is that there was some diet culture centered language that was unnecessary and unhelpful to include and incorporate into the book.
July 13, 2025
By reading this book someone can walk away with a gentle and hope filled basic overview of the importance of healthy relationships and attachment. It doesn’t go too deep into attachment or lead you to believe there’s barely a thread of hope for some of your relationships. 😂 It’s a light and insightful read in the field of counseling/psychology.
May 24, 2024
Outstanding! Love their varied metaphors as you really get the sense that they want to teach and share this info on this evolving field. Very applicable to a wide range of folks. A book every American should read today.
July 30, 2024
These authors write with a blend of scholarly and approachable style. After listening to their podcast (Therapist Uncensored) for a few years, I find the book full of new and helpful information in understanding ourselves and our patterns with others.
October 15, 2024
The way the authors conceptualize attachment and connect it with the way our nervous system evolves from childhood to now is brilliant. One of the best books I've ever read on this topic - highly recommend
February 10, 2025
This book was a herculean effort on the part of the authors. They vulgarized decades of complex research, distilling it into a practical guide to better understand how we relate to one another. If you are a human, I highly recommend that you read this book.
March 18, 2025
Book club pick, Had some good points and discussions in this book. Lots information on building connections with all different types of people and how to understand others better, just not normally the type of book id pick up
August 23, 2024
Review to come
December 2, 2024
Brilliant, incredibly helpful and a must read for humans.
February 13, 2025
Good info, but nothing new that’s not covered well in other attachment-based work
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