Don't Make Me Count to Three

by Ginger Hubbard, Ginger Plowman

Do you find yourself threatening, repeating your instructions, or raising your voice in an attempt to get your children to obey? Are you discouraged because it seems you just can t reach the heart of your child? Through personal experience and the practical application of Scripture, Ginger Hubbard encourages and equips moms to reach past the outward behavior of their children and dive deeply into the issues of the heart. Ginger s candid approach will help moms move beyond the frustrations of not knowing how to handle issues of disobedience and into a confident, well-balanced approach to raising their children.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Christian, Family, Christian Non Fiction, Christian Living, Christianity

155 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2003

About the author

Also publishes under the names: Ginger Plowman Hubbard & Ginger Plowman

Ginger Hubbard is a sought-after speaker, author, and an award-winning writer. She has spoken at hundreds of parenting conferences, mom’s events, and homeschool conventions across the country. She is a veteran homeschooling mother of two adult children and stepmom to two much-adored stepsons. She and her husband reside in Opelika, Alabama. To connect with Ginger, visit her website at www.GingerHubbard.com

Reviews

[Kristen · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book really annoyed me and reminded me of all the things that did not reach my heart as a kid. For example, memorizing scriptures to correspond to my sins. I recited them, I smiled but it turned my heart against scripture. I still cannot read some of them without growling inside. The Bible is not a weapon, particularly when you hurl one verse at a kid and don't take the time to really study passage in context. There were several other big issues I had with it, basically, I did not find it encouraging, uplifting or helpful.

[Cynthia · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book was worth my time and consideration, but I can't endorse it. The stars are for the information about the role of training in discipline. I have had to reconsider the parental short-cuts I take, rather than taking the time to firmly and patiently trouble-shoot conflicts and practice good behavior. A critical part of this training is helping the child examine their own heart and motives as they try to find a better way. Plowman demonstrates that punishment without training is not only against Biblical principles, it is just plain mean. However, I think her plans for punishment will raise good adults. I don't think that Scripture-wielding training consistently followed by spanking is right, or effective. Everything I know about training myself, my kids, and even my dogs is that a successful effort is to be followed by praise, not punishment. My kids have reached an age where they won't be spanked for transgressions. They will be embarrassed, feel anxious and far from God, miss out on good stuff like recesses, get lower grades, and later, get fired. I think that the punishment side of the training/punishment coin needs to reflect the real consequences of misbehavior as often as possible: loss of privileges, opportunities, objects, trust, and freedom. Besides, training is a brilliant form of punishment itself, and it doesn't need to be denigrating. As adults in the real world, we sin. If we seek to honor God and love others, we have to make it right. Confession, apologies, and humility can be downright painful. After that kind of "punishment" we may learn to listen more carefully to the still, small voice of the Holy Spirit, and because we understand our need for it, to seek Scripture. I think that's the sort of training we could all use.

[Laura · Rating 4 out of 5]

Every so often, I need to read a book like this. It always humbles my parenting soul. I would recommend this book to readers who appreciated Tedd Tripp's book called, Shepherding a Child's Heart.

[Annette · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow, what a convicting book! Plowman gets right at the "heart" of the issue, as it were: you cannot expect to discipline your children rightly when your own motivations are not right - or, frankly, when your own heart is not right with God. I can see this may be prompting me to start memorizing scripture again...
Because another huge point the author make is that correcting your children needs to be done with a very deliberate grounding in scripture. I admit, a part of me rebels at this notion of frequently telling my children something like "Now Bobby, the Bible says 'Honor your parents.' Are you honoring your parents right now?" or "Now Jill, 'Love is not rude.' Are you being rude to your brother?" I am afraid I might start sounding like "Uncle Charlie's Bible Hour," that unlamented kids' radio program from my youth. But that brings me back to point number one: my own heart needs to be right with God, and my own life in tune with Scripture to the point where such corrections are Not unnatural, but simply obvious. And sure, my own personality and my kids' will end up informing precisely how these concepts are applied: I probably won't end up quoting chapter and verse at the poor kids until they're sick of it, but at the same time I can be sure that I do teach them the Biblical basis for why they must mind me, not hit their siblings, be respectful, and etc.
Honestly, I am glad I read this while my oldest is only 2 and not really talking well yet. I need to get started on some of these techniques, but I still have a little time to get off on the right foot!

[Joy Wettstein · Rating 5 out of 5]

I highly recommend this book as a practical and biblical parenting resource. It’s like the part two to Shepherding a Child’s Heart because it provides the real-life examples and application of how to get to your child’s heart, and what biblical discipline looks like. I found the section on the biblical use of the rod particularly helpful in shaping my understanding of why spanking is biblical. Here are a few main takeaways:

-Disciplining my children is a command from God to parents and a failure to do this is disobedience on my part. When I fail to discipline my child, it’s not only their heart that will be hardened toward their sin, but my heart will also be hardened toward my child. Consistency and diligence in training children in righteousness is our responsibility as parents. “We are robbing our children of the blessing that God intends for them when we fail to require obedience.”

-The goal is not for my kids to feel my wrath or disappointment when they disobey, but that they would be sorry over their sin because it dishonors God. We must teach our children to be God-pleasers, not man-pleasers.

-We must use the Word of God when training, instructing, and disciplining our children. We must use His standard, and not our own shifting standard based on our mood or frustration level. We must call sin what God calls it and use biblical language.

-When giving a reproof and correcting our children, we must also instruct them in obedience. Teach them to put off and put on. “When we correct our children for wrong behavior, but fail to train them in righteous behavior, we will exasperate them because we are not providing them with a way of escape.”

-I must never allow my desire for changed behavior to replace my desire for a changed heart. If you reach the heart, the behavior will take care of itself. “It is not that difficult to train our children to act like Christians. We have really accomplished something when we have trained them to think like Christians.”

I am brought once again to the humbling reality that I desperately need the Lord‘s wisdom in parenting! But he has not left me helpless, His Word is living, active, and profitable for instructing me in biblical parenting. In the discouraging moments of parenting, I can remember, “You reap what you sow, you reap later than you sow, you reap more than you sow.”

[Carolyn · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this book as a very concise, practical guide to biblical discipline. She has great suggestions for how to talk to your children about their behavior, including what to do about whining, sibling fights, sharing, lying, etc. And she includes tons of scripture to back up her claims. My only criticism is that at the end, she assumes "the rod" of scripture must mean spanking but she never says why she doesn't believe "the rod" represents discipline in all its forms. Even so, I'll probably re-read and implement sections of this book a lot in the years to come.

[Claire · Rating 3 out of 5]

Some good advice but a little too severe for my taste.

[Rebekah · Rating 5 out of 5]

I found this book incredibly helpful - especially for parenting younger children. Definitely gave me some food for thought and applicable takeaways!

[Elena · Rating 3 out of 5]

A group of moms from church have been discussing this Christian book on discipline and it has brought up great conversation even if I didn't agree with everything Ginger encourages in the book. There is a focus on redirecting the child's heart towards God's righteousness rather than just focusing on behavior. Drawing out the issues of the heart, such as sinful attitudes, selfishness, and disobedience, is hard work with a long-term view since we are tempted towards sin all of our lives, so she isn't about quick fixes that only target behavior. She discusses why teaching children to obey parents is a way to honor God, so it's a big deal for both the parent and child to work on. She discusses the importance of using Scripture for training and correction and gives a lot of examples (many of them didn't seem realistic or natural to me, but I can see her intention). I liked her tip to role play and have do-overs to practice the right behavior. That's always been helpful for my son, so it was a good reminder to keep doing it. She does a good job of reminding parents not to discipline in anger and for their correction to always point toward's Jesus' redemption rather than only punishment, and gives examples of probing questions to get to the root issues. There was some useful information to glean for me in the first two sections (Reaching the Heart of Your Child and How to Give a Biblical Reproof) even though it was hard for me to connect with her style and her judgmental comments about seeing misbehaving kids in the grocery store were a bit annoying. There was a big focus on telling kids, through Scripture, what their behavior should be in that moment, and I agreed with most of it, but struggled with some of what she expected from children. Absolutely, we have a responsibility to train and point them to God, if we are Christian parents, but it is God through the Holy Spirit that changes hearts, and often times that doesn't happen right away on our timetable or because we follow her Wise Words for Mom pamphlet. Expecting they'll be repentant after a correction/reproof/discipline can end up teaching the child to pretend to be remorseful just to get out of trouble, or if they're naturally rule-followers, they become prideful little Pharisees who think they are very good on their own. Obedience is not the most important thing; the good news of the gospel is. I don't think it was her intention, and probably just my own interpretation, but it was easy for me to read the book and assume she's saying, "good parenting in, good children out". Or, if I use her scripts and follow her instructions, then my child should respond right away, apologize, obey or whatever is expected in that moment. She expects immediate obedience and immediate remorse over a wrongdoing, and I don't think that's always realistic. It takes kids a while to see the gravity of their wrongdoing and as Christian parents, we ultimately have to trust the Holy Spirit to convict their hearts, not our repeated lectures and reproofs and even consequences. Although I believe using Scripture is good, I feel like always reminding them of Bible verses in the heat of the moment can actually close a child's heart to the gospel at times, so I struggled with her examples. While I definitely think sin should be addressed and consequences should be administered where necessary, I think there needs to be an emphasis on telling your child they do not have the ability to obey the way the Bible teaches without God. I can't just say, "have self-control because this Bible verse says it." They don't have the ability on their own, no matter how many Bible verses they memorize to obey. God can help him to do what is right in His eyes even when a child doesn't want to. God can help him have self-control. If they could muster up the willpower to obey on their own, they wouldn't need Jesus or His work on the cross. So reminding and praying with my son about his need for God is an important piece that I wish she spent more time on. She talks about this at times (particularly for moms to remember, but I don't remember a time she gives an example of saying it to a child), but I think as a reader, constantly coming back to this truth will make our parenting less about us and our techniques and more about God's work in us and in our children in His timing. I think it is good to tell your child to obey because the Bible says so, but I definitely add, "I know you can't do it on your own. I know it's hard and you want to do what you want in that moment. But because Jesus died and rose for our sins, you CAN say "no" to disobeying. You can say "yes" to choosing the right path that honors God because God can give you the power to choose." She stands by "delayed obedience is disobedience" and while I think that should be something to discuss with older kids who dawdle, make excuses, etc., I don't think it's super realistic for toddlers who can take several seconds or even a minute to mentally compute what you're asking of them when they're so engaged in play and because of their normal mental development. Sometimes their delay isn't willful disobedience, it's childishness that will grow out with patient reminders and pointing towards the goal of quicker obedience. It's a good ideal to work towards, but there is a lot of room for grace, patience, and realistic expectation for their developmental stage and ability. They aren't robots to program for perfect obedience; they'll struggle just as we as parents struggle with doing the right thing at the right time, so it'll be a long journey that I can't expect him to master at three-years old. Ginger says this at one point, but then it doesn't always match up with her high expectations. The third section (the Biblical Use of the Rod) brought up a lot of good conversation and led me to pray about my own convictions about this area of discipline. For a lot of reasons, I didn't agree with her stance that spanking needs to be used by all Christian parents (and that we who don't spank are doing a disservice to our children by not spanking them), so in a sense these chapters were hard to apply and a bit frustrating, but I still appreciated hearing her opinions and some of the guidelines she encourages surrounding spanking (not to do it in anger, not to do it for a mistake or for expecting something that isn't age-appropriate/result of childishness rather than defiant disobedience, not to do it before having all the facts). There was plenty to think about and leave aside while other things that I did decide to glean and learn from, which is typical for me when I read parenting books because each child and family unit is different. While there can be valuable principles, especially when rooted in Scripture, that can be very helpful for Christian parents in parenting books like this one, we have to follow the Holy Spirit's guiding as well as our own knowledge of our family unit to decide what can be applied to us personally. This book pushed me to pray more for discernment and when I disagreed with something she said, it helped me to process it with my husband and within the community of Christian moms reading the book to evaluate if it was merely a preference of mine or difference in style or personality that Ginger, or whether it was something that I was not willing to obey in the Bible and need to address, pray for a softened heart, and study Scripture surrounding that specific topic.

[Lauren Klomparens · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great book. A little cheesy at times, and I felt the author came across as having all the answers at times (though she clearly states in the book that she does not). Good resource!

[Stephanie Sheaffer · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book comes on the heels of Shepherding a Child’s Heart. Clearly, the author is a huge Tripp fan and this book is essentially the same as his book – but in new packaging.

Before I share quotes from the text, I must point out that the cover of the book troubles me. A little girl is crossing her arms stubbornly. The mother is leaning over her with a spoon and a bottle of laxative…as if she is going to administer it to her daughter if she refuses to comply. [That image alone causes me to question the contents of the book].

Like Tripp, Plowman offers spanking as the premier and sole discipline strategy for babies and children. She writes, “To say, ‘I don’t believe in spanking’ is to say that God’s ordained methods for child training are wrong. It is to reject God’s word. It is to say you are wiser than God himself.” When asked how old a child should be to be spanked, she states, “I’ve had moms ask me when it is okay to slap their baby’s hand for disobeying and touching something that is off-limits. The answer should be obvious. When they disobey and touch something that is off limits. If they are old enough to disobey, then they are old enough to be trained to obey.” She advises parents to, “use an instrument with a little flex so that it stings without bruising.”

[Truly - it hurts my heart to even write these quotes out].

She is also big into the whole “instant obedience” thing, which states that children should only be given a “command” one time and they should obey immediately when it is issued.

[Victoria · Rating 4 out of 5]

Sometimes, I love getting a script. This book was very hands-on and had several great examples of how to not just respond to foolishness, but instead address the heart. Very challenging -- I need to know Scripture well to be able to incorporate it as thoroughly as she describes! Also appreciated the emphasis on "providing a way of escape" -- just as important to teach the child what TO do as what NOT TO do.

Negatives: I prefer reading books from older moms. I got the impression that her kids were still pretty young. Also, why do most parenting books get so hung up on spanking?? I would like to see more corrective measures than just spanking. We're OK with spanking some, but come on. Variety and creativity, please.

[emma jordan · Rating 4 out of 5]

I think it is probably very, very difficult to write a book on godly parenting that offers practical, tangible instruction on how to apply biblical principles, and not sound at least a *tiny* bit legalistic. This is simply because, while the principles are universal, the application of them is not, because people and circumstances and context vary in a myriad of ways.

I especially liked the section on training your child in righteousness—not just correcting/reproving sin, but actively teaching them the better way (providing a way of escape—1 Corinthians 10:13). I found it to be a clear counterpoint to common criticism of this book, that it is hyper-focused on behavior modification and punishment. Rather, we reflect Christ to our children when we give them the grace of leading AWAY from sin and sorrow and TOWARDS obedience and joy.

While this book had a few examples that made me cock my head and say, “hmm, not so sure about that”, overall I found this book very practically helpful and encouraging. The heart of the author is clearly to reach the hearts of her children with biblical wisdom and gospel truth. Some discernment is of course necessary for knowing how and when to apply her methods to one’s own children. But, as some critics of her perspective seem to forget, this is true of ALL parenting books and ALL advice. There is no one size fits all, perfect for any and every nuanced situation method of parenting. Discernment is needed for EVERY piece of human advice. There ARE, however, universally true and right principles for parenting, which are clearly outlined in God’s Word, and I think this book does a good job of expressing them in an applicable way.

It is probably best read in community—alongside other godly parents who, in tandem with this book, can help the reader appropriately discern the best way to live out God’s clear commands in their particular context.

[Kathleen C · Rating 5 out of 5]

*The title of this book might mislead you - "counting to three" is one of the things the author is writing to correct.
I appreciated this book and the ideas in it. It isn't a hard read nor earth-shattering, but it was at times convicting, and at most parts a good reminder/biblical reasons for what I know intuitively.
Her main idea is that as parents, we are the authority figures in our children's lives and it's our job to help them practice obeying the Lord (by learning to obey us first) and to teach them out of their natural "foolishness" (her word, which she defines as a selfish disposition of disregarding God's wisdom and will). Some guidelines she has for doing this are to ask "heart-probing questions" so your kids realize for themselves what their sin was, to have them identify and then do the correct alternative, and to discipline promptly but with self-control (and always show forgiveness right away afterwards). She also gives guidelines for praying for your children and for when is not the right time/way to discipline. Overall her idea is that your children should learn to obey "all the way, right away, and with a happy heart".

[Amy Esslinger · Rating 4 out of 5]

Though I’m not a parent 😉, this book is a helpful, short resource on disciplining for the glory of God. The goal is not to make “picture-perfect” kids by focusing on outward behavior; it is to reach their hearts by teaching and training and guiding them according to Scripture that they might learn to be obedient to Him, and they might see their need for a Savior.

She also mentions Shepherding a Child’s Heart by Tedd Tripp a few times, and I’ve heard positive things about that book from others. I look forward to reading that one in the future. :)

[Meagan · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book has a lot of great practical tips and biblical principles. I loved the Scripture throughout! I found the references very helpful when it comes to teaching truth to my children, and I appreciated the breakdown of discipline in different situations.

I think my biggest negative is the tone of the book. It sounded a little too matter-of-fact to me. But I also understand that could just be my perception as well.

Overall, this is a great book and I will definitely revisit especially while my children are young!

[Abigail Stacy · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was so encouraging, convicting, and helpful. Hubbard walks through what biblical discipline looks like as you focus on what is in the child’s heart.
Her use of scripture/biblical language to talk about sin and how to make things right was helpful. It was also really convicting to realize that I don’t know scripture well enough to use it the way she does in discipline.
I was a bit bummed that she didn’t really talk much about what this looks like with young kids who can’t talk yet.

[Kayla Ritcheson · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.5 Stars.

This book was both encouraging and convicting! Lots of practical advice. I especially liked the appendices on how to share the Gospel with and how to pray for your children.

(I took off one half star because my children don't seem to respond to discipline the way children in her examples do. I think this resource is an AWESOME starting point for someone wanting to parent biblically, but I don't think it's 100% perfect. 😉)

[Rachel Steiger · Rating 5 out of 5]

Telling all my mom friends to read this book because it's so good and helpful! Just what I needed to encourage me to get back in the disciplining game during these winter months.

[Meredith Kidd · Rating 4 out of 5]

Loved the practical insight of this book. Tons of scripture. Will be reading again ❤️

[Diane · Rating 2 out of 5]

There is definitely some great advice to be taken from this one; however (as with any parenting book) it's not a exact prescription on how to parent your individual child. In my opinion, the Bible is not a weapon to flings verses at every little offense. I also don't believe that spanking is effective for most offenses (I believe it is only to be used as a last measure of authority.) I've been discussing this book with a few mom friends and have come to the conclusion that I want to parent with grace and understanding, as opposed to micromanaging every sin of my child. I want them to see God as a loving Father, not some oppressive overlord with a extensive set of rules. I fear that Plowman's advice will lead a lot of adolescents/teenagers to question if they want to continue to follow God on their own as they enter adulthood. Why follow a God that seems so oppressive and condemning. I'm all for the acknowledgement of our sins and correcting them at the heart-level; I just believe we need to aid our children in their relationship with Christ before drawing out some long list of expectations.

[Laura · Rating 5 out of 5]

Ginger Plowman's little work is excellent. Equipping her readers with lots of scriptural references, she does not fail to encourage them. In many ways it fell in nicely with Baby Wise II, focusing on the heart, training not retraining, requiring immediate obedience, and recognizing the difference between foolishness and childishness are all themes Plowman touches on. She also urges the reader to point the child to Christ continually - something lacking in Baby Wise. It is a much needed emphasis. My caution/complaint would be the lack of covenant theology is this book. In discussing the law with a child, she recommends mentioning how our lack of righteousness before the law drives us to Christ (how true!). I only wish she would have added that we obey the law out of love for Him.

[Kyndall Ralston · Rating 4 out of 5]

She has lots of very good nuggets of wisdom in here that I’m going to take with me. She gives great practical applications and I appreciate her perspective and wisdom on getting to the child’s heart rather than just outward obedience. I also really liked her chapter on “How to Pray for Your Child.” However there were a few things she said that I personally disagreed with and I ended this book feeling as though it leaned a little too heavy on law rather than a good balance between law and grace.

If you’re looking for more books on gospel centered parenting I highly recommend reading “For the Love of Discipline - when the gospel meets tantrums and time outs” by Sara Wallace!

[Alia · Rating 3 out of 5]

I understand what the author is trying to teach in the book, but I finished feeling defeated and discouraged that I’ve done it all wrong. She talks about getting to the heart behind the child’s actions, but it felt like a strict to do list of things moms need to do to parent correctly. Some things I will benefit from, but I am far more grateful for God’s grace and gentleness with us.

[Phil Cotnoir · Rating 2 out of 5]

One Sentence Review: Although there were a few helpful nuggets of parenting wisdom that I'm gratefully adopting, I had such a hard time connecting with the author's personality, tone, and demeanor that I simply could not enjoy this book like I expected to.

[Kait · Rating 5 out of 5]

I had to finish the book, and what a finish! “Training our children in righteousness is a process, but God promises that just like laboring in a garden, we will reap what we sow. Let us keep on sowing the seeds of right-eousness. I can think of no better garden to plant those seeds in than in the soil of my children's hearts. To God be the Glory.”

I’ll be mulling over this book for a long time. ❤️

[Blessing Bloodworth (naptimereaders) · Rating 5 out of 5]

So thankful for the way God has led Ginger to take the truths about biblical parenting from Scripture and present them in such a practical, applicable, and doable way.

This approach to parenting is entirely Biblically based and offers the parent confidence; confidence not in themselves, but in the power of God to change the hearts of their child they are faithful to parent the way God calls them to.

I appreciate that this book is short and to the point!

[Laura Robinson (naptimereaders) · Rating 5 out of 5]

Another book from Ginger that is much needed for Christian parents! She makes things easy to understand and share with your kids when needing to discipline. So thankful for this book!

[Kelly · Rating 5 out of 5]

"Moms, we need to be reminded of the awesome responsibility that God has given us. When we respond to the high calling of motherhood with passion, the rewards are far greater than any we could ever gain outside of that calling. The joys of motherhood are rare & beautiful treasures that can be easily missed if we don't seize the opportunity to grab them...What a blessing it is that God has not left us to figure out how to raise our children on our own. He has provided us with everything we need for life & godliness"
MUST read & MUST own, especially for parents. I am so sobered with the responsibility of raising little souls, but so encouraged by the help & wisdom of the Holy Spirit & His Word. This book did a great job explaining how to discipline, train, & instruct your children biblically! Thanks for the recommendation Sissy

[Megan Triplett · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was so pleasantly surprised by this book! I highly recommend it to anyone looking to be refreshed and grow in their parenting. As the hearts of our little one's are growing, I found it extremely helpful and practical in how to disciple them well. Full of wisdom, biblical truths and practical encouragement, Ginger Plowman has a sweet way of showing how God's word is sufficient for all teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness.