What if I Say the Wrong Thing?: 25 Habits for Culturally Effective People

by Vernā Myers

The book is a perfect handbook for anyone who is looking to develop the habits of culturally effective people. In this handy reference, you'll find answers to questions about all types of diversity issues and tips about how to practice culturally effective habits. And with the variety of suggested follow-ups and actions contained within it, you will better know how to handle your own situations. Many of these situations occur without us being "properly prepared" for them; reading these habits is like doing drills so you'll be ready! Turn to these tips whenever you need them, or if you need an infusion of inspiration. Purchase copies for everyone at your organization to make sure everyone knows the culturally effective way to approach diversity situations. With this book they can be prepared and practiced at moving diversity forward!

Genres: Nonfiction, Self Help, Leadership, Anti Racist, Social Justice, Business, Race

125 pages, Paperback

First published April 7, 2014

Reviews

[Ezekiel · Rating 3 out of 5]

A solid book on the topic, it didn't make me go "eureka!" at any points, but it feels like the type of thing it'd be good to have around for reference every once in a while.

[Wendy]

EVERYONE should read this book. I copied the chart of historically advantaged and disadvantaged groups as a visual reminder to always be aware of my lenses. Moving on to her next book right away!

[Gabi Coatsworth · Rating 4 out of 5]

A help in beginning to change

I found this a useful guide for beginning to understand where I have been making mistakes in my view of racism. I never considered myself racist (of course) and I didn’t understand white privilege exactly, either. This book explains that and provides strategies and suggestions for making progress towards treating everyone with respect and appreciation of difference. I would have given it 5 stars except that quite a bit of it was directed at a work environment, which doesn’t apply to me except in a very general way. I can imagine that it should be required reading for all HR departments.

[CrystalIsReading on StoryGraph · Rating 4 out of 5]

I had the pleasure to hear Verna Myers speak at a conference this year. She is lively and engaging and so knowledgeable in person that I had to give her book a try. I'm glad I did. This is a simple book, easy to read in format and language, but so very important in its message. If you truly care about diversity and treating others the way you'd wish to be treated, in making this world a more civil and welcoming place, then you cannot go wrong reading this little book. I had reminders of many issues I was already aware of, sometimes with additional explanation, and then learned about many more new ideas and approaches to the issue that I hadn't considered before. Verna covers every imaginable angle on diversity and makes it all so easy to understand and to apply to real life. I am going to keep this book in my collection as a reference book on the topic, whenever I have questions, need further resources, etc. Highly recommended.

[Rosemary · Rating 3 out of 5]

A solid, basic guide to cultural sensitivity and inclusivity.

[Sue King · Rating 3 out of 5]

I read this book because I’m part of a large group of people at my institution who are reading and discussing it. Published in 2013, it’s already showing its age with certain terms or lack of certain groups being referenced. I wish there were more actionable items for “everyday people” rather then mostly C suite people to whom it seems to refer, but in fairness the book was written aimed at those people in particular.

[Emily VA · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was not my first anti-racism book, but this may be the first to be almost completely concentrated on actionable steps to take to “do better”, and I deeply appreciate that. Also, it was a quick read, at 120 idea-packed pages for when things go wrong and how to learn from our own and others’ mistakes and become more skillful at both “inviting people who are different from us to the party” (diversity) and also “inviting them to dance” (inclusion).

[Amanda · Rating 4 out of 5]

Short anecdotes followed by tips and pieces of advice for being more culturally competent. I appreciated how succinct and doable each chapter was as well as the author’s willingness to share her own vulnerabilities. This is not a journey of perfectionism and continuing the work especially after a mistake can be a real challenge. But Myers continued to invite the reader in and spur us on to action. Great book.

[Lauren Turner · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very well written. Content clear and accessible and invitational.

[Beth Voecks · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book should be required reading. Period.

[Keith · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great book. Don't let the small size (126 pages) fool you. Verna Myers provides the right mix of data and stories to illustrate her points during each of the 25 habits. I appreciated how she provided several practical tips at the end of chapter to help the reader become culturally effective in their personal and professional life.


I read this book as part our weekly race and racism lunch time discussions within my division. I believe this is a good book to help anyone build their understanding of differences while becoming more confident in their ability to handle uncomfortable situations.

[Kaity Schlauer · Rating 5 out of 5]

I made a commitment to myself to get educated about what my white privilege means, how my internal biases outwardly affect others, and how I can *actively become more culturally effective. 

I know for many white people, myself included, it hasn’t been something we thought about on a daily basis prior to George Floyd ‘s murder. It is a sad, but truthful reality for some. Too many people had their blinders on. I am the first to admit I needed to do better.

My wife’s Air Force Squadron took the time to create a diversity council (big deal for the military), I was ecstatic they were giving the opportunity to turn the volume up on diverse voices, listen to BLM stories, and learn. The first meeting they decided that this book by Vernā (pronounced ‘Vernay’) Myers was their starting point. I decided to join in. 

I actually ran out of my highlighter.  

Here are some things I learned about: 
1. “This book is not about perfection; it is about overcoming the fear of connection.”
2. “Even if you are a “good person”, all people, including “good people”, have been influenced and shaped not only by racism, but by all of the isms on the chart.” 
3. “Even if you could avoid participating, the isms would exist.” (#Sexism, #homophobia, #classism, #elitism, #ableism, etc.) 
4. “If you are a person who is better represented...you have the power to make the road of belonging smoother.” 

This book changed my views on so many things. It called me out in a way that was not attacking but instead encouraged me that I can make changes that would positively contribute to one-down groups. I am a better person having read it. With that being said, I hope you will consider reading it too!

[Dawn · Rating 5 out of 5]

The author is an internationally recognized expert on diversity and inclusion. This book was written to help people be proactive in assisting the furthering of inclusivity and diversity in our culture. Using stories to explain each "culturally ineffective" mindset so one can self-reflect upon their on assumptions and biases is really helpful. Many of the stories are from her own experiences where the author herself failed to recognize she was operating under an assumption or preconceived bias. As she said *everyone* has some sort of bias and the key is being open minded enough to recognize it. A society can not be fully inclusive or encourage diversity if they are afraid of change. To be inclusive means changes must be made because societal rules are often written to benefit those that are in power at the time of the writing. Change is necessary. Stepping out of one's own comfort zone is also necessary. These are all easy to follow and understand concepts where both the problem and solutions are suggested. None of it is voiced in an accusatory or shaming way, which the author feels is not helpful. This is a book that everyone should read and reflect upon so that our society can become more fair to all within it. The more people that subscribe to these "culturally effective" habits and our society will become more fair and inclusive. Diversity without inclusion is not enough. The following quote by the author explains it well:

"Diversity is being invited to the party; inclusion is being asked to dance."

[Michelle · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book holds a lot of helpful advice for people who are new to diversity, equity, and inclusion. But some of the recommendations are a little questionable. For example, telling "male friends" (yikes) who were "taught as a man to 'apologize for nothing'" to say, "Just shoot me" instead of apologizing is problematic for multiple reasons — it's insensitive in this era of gun violence, it ignores the harm caused, and it perpetuates the toxic masculinity that tells men not to apologize and assumes men are incapable of learning. Still, like I said, this book could be an approachable introduction for a lot of people new to this work.

I liked the author's term for people with more privilege not holding people with less privilege to the same standards or giving them helpful feedback given to people with the same or a similar amount of privilege: "sloppy sentimentalism," also called "dysfunctional rescuing" by Valerie Batts. It would be great to see an updated version that reflects language changes since then and that includes recommendations for people working remotely.

[Pedro · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this for work, and enjoyed it. Each topic has its own brief chapter, and fortunately provides some tips at the end of each chapter on how to improve at the habit being highlighted. Early in the book the author, Vernā Myers, put out this example that stuck on my mind the rest of the book:

No matter how skilled a person with an ambulatory disability is at maneuvering themselves, without curb cuts, ramps, he or she is disadvantaged as compared to those of us who can walk.

This example seems too obvious for anyone to deny. We believe a person with disabilities when they tell us about the difficulties they experience using a non-equipped facility. We need to make the move to believing what people from all one-down [or historically disadvantaged] groups say about their experiences of exclusion and bias.

This wasn't even the main point of the book, but still, the comparison stuck with me.

[Stephanie · Rating 5 out of 5]

I think I had forgotten that I had this checked out... that in no way should reflect on the quality of this book. It was informative and caused me a lot of introspection. I especially appreciate that Ms. Myers not only describes a problem, but that she then goes ahead and offers several ways to overcome it. I would like to think that I am culturally sensitive, but being a member of a few "one-up" groups (also a couple of "one-down", but I think the ups outweigh most of the downs in my case) I realize-even more now that I've read this book and watched a couple of her videos- that I am certainly not aware of what I am not aware of. Great advice on how to live more consciously.

[Brian · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very helpful for well-meaning and open-minded people. Myers writes with an understanding that not everyone is perfect and that it is irrational to expect anyone to be, and the habits in this book are all useful starting points for imperfect people who want to become better at interacting with and helping to integrate and include those who are members of what she calls "one-down groups."

One of the biggest of only a few drawbacks is that many of her habits are aimed at leaders or management types and not easily practicable for grunt level "normal" folks. But that being said, there are still well over half of her habits which can help anyone, anytime.

[Lisa · Rating 5 out of 5]

A practical guidebook for anyone wanting to get involved in DEI work. The book is divided into 25 short chapters each focusing on a habit meant to improve the reader’s cultural competency. Each section includes an example of an issue, followed by why it is culturally ineffective, and then several tips to practice the culturally effective habit. The author, an internationally recognized expert on diversity and inclusion, often gives examples of when she said the wrong thing and what she did to fix the situation. It goes to show that no one is perfect and everyone has work to do when it comes to diversity, equity, and inclusion. This book is easy to read and has an enjoyable, unique format.

[Vernin · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a concisely written guidebook with tested (and testable) practices for becoming more humanist in your engagement of others. Some parts are written with white people as the specific audience. Most f the book applies to all person, as we all have ingrained biases that leak out as prejudicial or racist behavior even as we struggle against racism ourselves. The book also clarifies some of the ways in which we are all victims or racism 0 even when we perpetrate racism.

I will recommend this broadly.

[East Greenbush Community Library · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a thoughtful (and very brief) book and surprisingly helpful addition to the collection of anti-racism books that I have read this year. Every chapter has a list of practical suggestions for responses and actions to address uncomfortable topics and underlying prejudices. Importantly, the book includes most every type of -ism that we need to address. With simple language and relatable anecdotes, Ms. Myers leads us to a new way of communicating and self-reflection with a very difficult topic.

[Nadine · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a short book so you will be tempted to get through it quickly. I recommend taking the slow route so that you can really reflect on the habits presented. I really appreciated the author's admission of her own accidental slip ups, as it creates the needed emotional space to be truly self reflective. I'm looking forward to enacting many of these habits more consciously and will have this book handy for those times when I need a reminder of how to support and promote people who aren't my mirror.

[Tina · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'm sad I didn't read this book when it was first published. As someone working on anti-racism practices at work and in the community this is a cherished read. I love that it doens't need to be read chronologically. It gives scenarios of common biased patterns, it tells me what is not helpful, and how to correct it. Succinct and relatable. And because the author addresses the reader as a one-up or one down, as a Mexican American person, I can easily place myself in either group d/t various priveleges I hold. Wonderful read.

[Egm · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a fairly easy and quick read. Yet at the same time, it provided plenty of material for thought. Thought it did a good job of raising different diversity issues and helped me to better understand 'systemic racism' (or really how systems contribute to -isms). Not sure how helpful the tips are, per se, but overall, I think the book does a good job highlighting issues to think about and providing a place to start the diversity conversation.

[Erin Becker · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is perfect for people looking to improve their Ally skills. Practical tips interspersed with stories from the author's own experience or from clients in her diversity consulting business. I got this from the library and read it in one day, but will definitely be buying a copy to read and reread.

[Shirleynature · Rating 4 out of 5]

Overcome your fear of connection with people different from you. Vernā Myers offers pragmatic & accessible tools to help you to connect. If you want to make a difference in our bias-filled world and create positive change, learn these 25 habits—for workplaces and the rest of the places we all share together. See her blog for more: vernamyers.com/blog

[Samuel · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was an engaging, thoughtful, and compact discussion of tips for people wanting to engage with people of diverse backgrounds in an ethical, warm, and equality-driven way. I saw Ms. Myers speak at a library conference once, and was hoping this book would be as good as her performance as a presenter, and I was not disappointed.

[Chris · Rating 3 out of 5]

Read this for an equity, diversity, and inclusion workshop through my work. Myers writes well, brings in good examples to illustrate her suggestions, avoids preaching and writes with humility and insight. Like a lot of books used in professional development seminars, it is divided into short, digestible sections that make good prompts for discussion. Glad to have read it.

[Daniel · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this book as part of a workplace book club and I am glad this was the book selected for the Fall. It is a book of 25 Habits that help a person reflect on the work they do and the mistakes they make regularly that affect the lives of others. This book will help someone improve their day to day interactions and help them grow as a professional.

[Hillary Chapman · Rating 4 out of 5]

We read this title as part of our Washougal High School Equity Team with our facilitators JD Sweet & Elizabeth Blandin. I have to say it is really approachable and offers Equity 101 important discussions, conversations, and checking your own bias and practices. We are going to use this as a book study for our entire High School Faculty & Staff for the 2022-23 school year.

[John Whalen · Rating 1 out of 5]

This is the most ridiculous book. I tried reading it to understand the mental problem of those around me but I couldn't get half way through it. Just absolutely ludicrous everyone says wrong things. You know how it worked (better) in the past? You'd take a person in totality not just focus in on one thing. God you people have ruined this country