Once I Was Cool: Personal Essays

by Megan Stielstra

In these insightful, compassionate, gutsy, and heartbreaking personal essays, Stielstra, whose essay “Channel B” was recently featured in Best American Essays 2013 edited by Cheryl Strayed, explores the messy, maddening beauty of adulthood with wit, intelligence, and biting humor.

The essays in Once I Was Cool tackle topics ranging from beating postpartum depression by stalking her neighbor, to a surprise run-in with an old lover while on ecstasy, to blowing her mortgage on a condo she bought because of Jane's Addiction. Or, said another way, they tackle life in all of its quotidian richness.

Genres: Essays, Nonfiction, Memoir, Short Stories, Book Club, Autobiography, Humor

200 pages, Paperback

First published April 21, 2014

About the author

Megan Stielstra is the author of the essay collection Once I Was Cool. Her work is included in The Best American Essays 2013, Poets & Writers, The Rumpus, PANK, Other Voices, f Magazine, Make Magazine, Joyland, Pindeldyboz, Swink, and elsewhere, and her story collection, Everyone Remain Calm, was a Chicago Tribune Favorite of 2011. She’s the Literary Director of the critically-acclaimed 2nd Story storytelling series and has told stories for all sorts of theaters, festivals, and bars including the Goodman, Steppenwolf, Museum of Contemporary Art, Neo-Futurarium, Chicago Public Radio, and regularly for The Paper Machete live news magazine at The Green Mill. Currently, she teaches writing and performance at Columbia College Chicago and serves as the Associate Director of The Center For Innovation in Teaching Excellence. She also teaches creative nonfiction at Northwestern University and fiction at the University of Chicago, and is a 3Arts Teaching Artist Award Finalist for her work with 2nd Story, helping people of all ages get their stories on the page.

Reviews

[Hannah · Rating 4 out of 5]

When I read Megan Stielstra’s second collection of essays late last year, I had to rewrite my “best of the year”-list. As such it comes as no surprise how much I enjoyed her debut essay collection. I just adore the way she writes essays, from the structure to the sentences to the messages, I find it beyond incredible. The only reason I “only” rated this four stars is because her other collection is just that strong and there are some essays there were a bit too similar.

Megan Stielstra writes about many things: about feminism, about postpartum depression, about love, about mortgages and many other things more. I adore the way she does it and the warmth she projects. She holds herself accountable while still being nice to herself as well as to others. (Her essay on niceness was just wonderful to read) I like the ultimately hopeful feeling of this book despite its heavy subject matters.

Like many of my favourite essayists she writes about the importance of art and literature and education and does so wonderfully. Her writing is accessible while still being clever and deep; which I find very impressive indeed.

I don’t have all that many things to say about this except for this: I am a fan.

You can find this review and other thoughts on my blog: https://ihavethoughtsonbooks.wordpres...

[Michelle · Rating 5 out of 5]

Am I Megan Stielstra? Is Megan me? Megan is everyone I know? Who is me? Me is Megan? Has Megan been following me around Chicago? How does she know everything about me?

Essays are hard to pin down, I love reading essays but have a hard time following my fave essayists, I can barely keep track of the one book I am reading let alone multiple blogs and serial publications. Sometimes it just feels like a gift when you get to read all the essays together wrapped up in a neat little package. And sometimes it doesn't. In this case, YES IT DOES. Once I Was Cool feels like it has a bow on it and was wrapped up just for me. These personal essays are truly incredible, and although anyone who reads them will appreciate Stielstra's raw artistry, everyone may not feel like these essays are relate-able in the sense that "hey! that also happened to me! how did she know?" kind of way... I am a progressive, white, educated, female Chicagoan and boy these essays are most definitely about me! Well they are about Megan, but really, me.

As a librarian, I don't purchase books lightly. I will be purchasing Once I was Cool so that I can go back to it again and again (and read everything suggested in the footnotes). And I will be purchasing it for all the other once cool women I know, too.

[Kevin · Rating 5 out of 5]

Megan Stielstra’s wonderful writing and her storytelling bravery is truly a gift for everyone who reads her. Once I Was Cool is refreshing, hilarious, touching, and wise. You get a little bit of all life's juicy parts here: music, love, a yearning for home, parenting, becoming a writer, sadness, joy, and unashamed human striving! If she keeps writing like this, I’m going to bet she’ll always be cool.

[Parker · Rating 5 out of 5]

For me, finishing a good book is a sad affair--you've come to the end of a relationship with this thing in your hand, this thing that has hopefully helped you grow in some small way and has challenged the way you've thought, whether it be about something large or something very small. When you finish a good book, you may always revisit the relationship, but it's with a nostalgia of what you used to have in that relationship; it's "present-you" reading the "you-who-was" when you engaged with the book the first time, when you experienced that full relationship from first meeting, the awkward handshake, the nerve-wracking "do we hug or is that weird?" moment to the honeymoon period and all the way to the amicable split, the "thank you for the great times and memories, but you need to move on" that the book tells you in the white space after its final words.

When you finish a great book, though, a book that you feel deserves to be rated five stars or included on Time's "Best of" list, or The New York Times "Best of" list, or any "Best of" list--when it's a book that you feel like you should give to one or two or five of your closest friends (I'm stealing a line from Stielstra here), finishing is no longer a sad affair. It's because the relationship is different. This is a relationship with a friend that you meet every few months for coffee, a relationship you wish you could savor daily but know that there are more relationships out there to which you must commit--there is so much, sometimes too much, more to read out there, and you're a reader or a scholar-of-life that must try these different relationships to feel that growth, sometimes minute, sometimes so large that you want to tattoo the wisdom gleaned from a quote across your body so you can tell anyone that asks what you learned and how you learned it (so please just ask).

You owe it to yourself to try to find those relationships. You're always searching for the next great book, the book that is no longer the sad affair of an ending because you can always pull a great book off the shelf and revisit chunks. Instead of that sad, "you-who-was" nostalgia you get, your mind expands even more. It changes again and again and again.

_Once I Was Cool_ does that for me. Okay, I'm not going to lie and say that I'm not one of many in Megan Stielstra Fan Club (I think there are too many people that knew her and her work before me that can claim to be its president) because I am TOTALLY in the fan club. But this is an unbiased review. Reading her collection, I reread essays after doing the initial "Wow, yeah, that's the Megan I know" on my first read (because I'm lucky enough to have had her/have her as an instructor and mentor and friend), but then I'd reread them and say, "What is this essay doing? What is the style of this? Why is this structure the best for this essay? How does she get three themes of equal weight and subtly in a few short pages? How does she get a theme that is so not subtle but make it personal to her and to me as the reader? How does she get to make me care about every things she writes about here?" Because that's what she does. She makes you think. She makes you consider the essay itself, not just what is in it, and see how this form can do myriad objectives.

Her essay on the essay? I will teach this to my students alongside "Shitty First Drafts" and know this will inspire a conversation about autonomy in writing, the subversion of the idea of writing-toward-a-test and the five-paragraph essay, and the idea that the word "essay" is from Montaigne's use of "essai" (I teach them Montaigne because Montaigne is a bad-ass) and it means "trail" and "attempt" and that an essay could just be a verb--"try"--and that we can essay. We essay together. We will essay in this class! And then it made me consider my favorite essays, so many of which I could mention and about which I could draw many emoticon hearts, but reading her essay on essays made me immediately go back and reread Brian Doyle's "Joyas Voladoras."

And then there's "Channel B," which was included in the _The Best American Essays 2013_ for a great reason. This is an essay that is crafted so well, that is so tight and concise and explodes my mind as a male to consider what it must be like to be in the throes of postpartum depression. It makes me wonder what it is like to be a first time parent. It helps me to see there is hope in every situation. But it also helps me to see how a memoir can be crafted, how elements of storytelling can frame something so personal to the writer while giving it huge and universal thematic elements.

And an essay is in there about excuses. And about being kind to others. And about the wisdom you learn from your children. And about knowing, just knowing, when you find love. And about the love of friendship and the transformative power of caring.

Stielstra easily could have become overly sentimental or twee in many of the essays. But she's too rock-and-roll for that. She's too much much of a bad-ass writer. And, she's too concerned with the human emotion--the real human emotion--so instead, she bravely reveals pieces of herself in her essays instead of pandering to an audience. She's not afraid to make you maybe a bit uncomfortable if it will make you learn.

At once a collection of memoiristic essays and once a collection of writing tips, _Once I Was Cool_ is also a collection of essays on how to be a decent person in this world, how to love, and how to teach (whether you are a teacher or parent or just a person in this world that may inspire someone, anyone, ever).

_Once I Was Cool_ is once, now, and forever a very cool book, indeed.

[xTx xTx · Rating 4 out of 5]

so relateable and honest

[Taube · Rating 5 out of 5]

"Let’s imagine what might happen if—right now, in this very second of reading these words—we reclaim the idea of nice and what it has the potential to achieve. Maybe buy the person sitting next to you a drink; they might really need it. The next time you go through a toll, pay the fare of the person behind you. Chicago, if you get back to your car before the parking ticket runs out of time, give the sticker to the person waiting for your spot. Might make their day, and we could all use our day made, right? Listen. Let the person you’re talking to finish their sentence. Don’t use the time they’re talking to figure out what you’re going to say next. If someone is being a jackass, step up. You overhear someone being a little racist, a little sexist, a little homophobic, call that shit out. It’s on you. It’s on us. Be NICE. Back something interesting on Kickstarter later; that’s someone’s idea, someone’s dream, someone’s pulsing heart. College teachers: don’t call your students kids. They’re not kids. Also: don’t start sentences with Kids today because I’ll have to vomit all over you, and that wouldn’t be very nice of me, now would it? Before you hit send on that email—you know the one that I’m talking about; the one where you’re a little passive-aggressive and maybe even used the caps lock key—take a lap or two around the house. It’ll give you a second to think things through, calm down a bit, and even log some steps on your Fitbit! Win-win! Always winning: sleep. Sleep on it. Sleep on everything, always. Before you make the shitty anonymous comment on the Internet, consider the fact that there’s a real person on the other end, reading your words and feeling that punch to the chest. Can we use a phrase other than, “I didn’t like it,” or “It sucked,” to talk about movies or TV shows or music or books or art? Somebody made that. In fact, can we put a moratorium on the word suck entirely unless in reference to lollipops, Dyson, or super-hot sex? Be honest in your assessment, be authentic in your language, but be nice. BE FUCKING NICE" --Megan Stielstra, "Once I Was Cool"

[Victor Giron · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'm the publisher so, like, disclaimer. But here is my heart-felt review:

What I love about this essay collection by one of Chicago's golden lights in literature, story-teller and teacher Megan Stielstra, is that it inspires without being, you know, cheesy. Through her essays you learn Megan has had a fairly normal upbringing, parents that nurtured and helped her grow an interest in reading and writing, had the opportunities to travel and attend schools, met an amazing partner and lived in an area of Chicago she dreamed of as a late teenager, across from the musical cavern that is the Aragon Ballroom. Yes, she clearly faces obstacles in life, and we see her deal with these struggles such as becoming a parent, losing her condo's mortgage, juggling many different writing jobs to pay the bills, dealing with aging and becoming ‘un-cool’. But the driving force behind these essays is OPTIMISM. You literally leave this collection inspired, hopeful, feeling better about yourself and ready to get to work. Thank you Megan!!!

[Stefanie · Rating 4 out of 5]

1. Stielstra is Chicago-authentic for those, like me, who have a relatively privileged experience with the city--indie rock and dive bars and CTA and bad choices that turned out ok. What luck that I lived there! How snooty to look down on brunch lines! How silly to expect things to be the same for at least a few years! (And here I note that name I'd searched for during at least 6--Swank Frank.) These essays made me feel so HARD about Chicago and horrible for ever thinking I could leave.

2. The majority of essays were wonderful bites of life, of difficult times and trying to be better, and REALLY WANTING something or someone to be ok, for themselves and for you. She knows how to write essays--and how to write essays that will be read.

[David · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'm not always a big fan of essays, but I'm definitely a big fan of these essays. The attention to the story function of the essay is wonderful and the writing is tight, clean, and moving. Each calls up something from my past as I read what happened in Stielstra's life and somehow something is moved forward by the end of each, even if just a small amount. Stielstra is definitely cool.

[Megan Kirby · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great essays about Chicago, Prague, writing, music, fiction, live storytelling--all things I am incredibly invested in. I've been a fan of Megan Stielstra for some time, so it was great to have all her essays in one place. Once again, Curbside put together a stunning paperback, too.

[Curbside Splendor · Rating 5 out of 5]

It's the coming out party for Chicago's very own Best American Essayist, Megan Stielstra!

[Ben]

All Splendor and Cool. It changed my life.*

*Truly.

[Carrie · Rating 2 out of 5]

Could've used a good deal more editing. I'm enjoying some of the essays but finding the number of errors distracting.

[Sarah · Rating 3 out of 5]

The essays and voice are strong, but man, this needed a proofreader.

[Abbey · Rating 5 out of 5]

I LOVED THIS SO HARD.

[Melissa · Rating 4 out of 5]

Make no mistake about it: Megan Stielstra is very, very cool.

She may not think so (and she may say so in her essays) but trust me … she is.

She’s that kind of down-to-earth cool, the kind that’s so very absolutely real with no-holds-barred emotions in full view out there for everyone to see. The kind of person who has been through some shit and has learned some shit, too, and is damn good at writing about her shit.

“It’s the single syllables that’ll kill you:

Your dentist says Oops.

Your pregnancy test says plus.

Your psychic says Oh.”

- from “Felt Like Something,” pg. 117

Megan Stielstra is funny and honest and self-deprecating. She’s a child of the ’90s and the mom of a toddler who drops more than a few literal fucks on the page while writing about her sexcapades of years gone by.

She knows that sometimes – a lot of times – working means having to say no to playing with your kid at the instant he wants you to play, and she knows the heartwrenching guilt that this can produce.

She knows what it is like to owe thousands to the IRS (right there with ya, girlfriend) and to see The American Dream turn into your personal nightmare.

And she tells you about it in a way that somehow feels different than other writers who might be classified in this or similar genres. Megan Stielstra comes across as a friend, yes, as do many others, but there’s a subtle difference. She doesn’t seem to take any of her life for granted. She gets how crappy and tough this life can be. Hell, the woman works three jobs and still manages to have a sense of humor.

I first heard of Megan Stielstra when I read her essay, “Wake the Goddamn World,” which is the piece that piqued my interest in this book. It is among the best in this collection. Really, it’s hard to go wrong with any of these, but “Channel B,” “The Right Kind of Water,” “Feels Like Something,” and “82 Degrees,” are especially spectacular.

In fact, the essays are so good and the writing so sharp, that I just have to ask … was there some sort of snafu with the editing or printing of this book? I mean, some kind of oh-my-God-I-can’t-believe-that-just-fucking-happened type of scenario between the time that Megan Stielstra wrote these essays and the time that the ink hit the page? I’m being serious, not snarky. There’s more than one spelling error, and my copy doesn’t appear to be an ARC. Maybe I just happened to read a copy from the reject pile. Maybe the editor screwed up. I don’t know. Anything is possible.

But you know what? If there’s any message to be had from Once I Was Cool, it is that SHIT HAPPENS. As in, just when you think you’ve made it – say, you know, maybe when you’ve written a kick-ass essay collection that’s been getting some notable attention – four fucking typos appear on page 15. Four! Because, why not, right? And then some typo-obsessed book blogger in Pittsburgh harps on THAT and only that in her review instead of how awesome the essays themselves are.

I don’t want to be that person. Because you know why? Because we all make mistakes. Typos happen in this life.There are bigger problems in this world and besides, I’d rather focus on how good the writing is in this collection.

Because the writing is really, really good. So good that Once I Was Cool has earned a spot on my Best Books I’ve Read in 2014 list.

And Megan Stielstra has absolutely earned a spot as one of my newest favorite writers.

4 stars out of 5.

[Jaclyn Eccesso · Rating 5 out of 5]

Megan Stielstra's recently released collection of personal essays, "Once I Was Cool", is a look into not only into the life and mind of Stielstra herself, but into the world of every Chicagoan, writer, student, teacher, probably mother, and woman on this planet. I found myself time and again scrawling “Yes!” in the margins of the text, as if the author could hear my silent exclamations of agreement through the roughage of the page.

Touching on heavy topics such as abortion and suicide, Stielstra has a uniquely rare ability to make even the densest subject matter, not light per se, but accessible and undramatic. Despite and in light of this, she still manages to retain the depth of emotion and sensitivity bound up in these topics.

Similarly, as I was reading, stories would sometimes start going in the direction of “once I lost weight I could start yoga”—the point where I would usually put the book down in feminist fueled disgust—but with this text I was enthralled by the profundity with which Stielstra handles the topic of insecurity. There isn’t a laugh it off mentality or a plea for pity, but rather an honest proclamation of a truth that is being accepted. Characteristics that I would normally write off as pure vanity became heartfelt and tangible to me in a way I’ve never before experienced.

That is Stielstra’s talent: her ability to create experiences. Maybe it’s because I’ve seen her perform her work live before, but every narrative seemed to pick itself up off the page and turn itself into a performance before my eyes. The numerous asides, amendments, and annotations, force the reader to see and hear her work, not just read it. Ekphrasis (visual description) at its best, there is no contemporary author more vivid in description that Megan Stielstra.

Published by Curbside Splendor, "Once I Was Cool" is available at most local bookstores as well as Barnes and Noble and Amazon. Stielstra, though, highly encourages shopping locally for your literary produce.

http://chicagoist.com/2014/06/20/mega...

[Leesa · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really don't read v. many essay collections but I would if they all promised to be as good as this one. This book of essays makes me wanna read more essays and makes me wanna write my own, which is a big deal for me. Reading this book felt like the best parts of honest late-night conversations. "Channel B" was just so good. I'm a mama and a writer too, so I esp. loved the mama stuff. And also, all of it. I loved "Who Wants the Shot" and "82 Degrees" and "Dragons So Huge." Also, all of them. I loved "NICE." I laughed out loud @ "Those Who Were There." I underlined things and starred things and teared up at things b/c of feelings. Beautiful collection. Collection, I love you.

[Katelyn · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow, I was able to relate to so many of these essays! Megan has an honest voice and a witty, sarcastic personality that was so much fun to get to know. I think "Juggle What?" and "Nice" were two of my favorites. Of course after typing that, I thought of a bunch more that I loved.

Megan was able to say out-loud a lot of things I'm too scared to admit. This is one of those books to add to your bookshelf so you can read certain essays on a bad day to remind yourself you are not alone and others have gone through the same thing! "Be kind, for everyone is fighting a hard battle."

Love it and love her. Can't wait to meet her at an upcoming book discussion!

[Masha · Rating 4 out of 5]

I fell in love with Megan Stielstra after reading this book. Have to be honest though, it wasn't love from the first essay, not even from the second. But I do believe it was the third that hit me like a train. After that there was no way back, I couldn't wait to spend 10, 20, 30 minutes a day reading this book.
She's funny, witty, clumsy and absolutely authentic. Her stories are so appealing, so believable even when she talks about living in Prague for a year or so teaching Kafka (which sounds surreal!). I can't wait to discover her other works. Way to go, Megan!

[Karin · Rating 4 out of 5]

These personal essays focus a lot on family and parenting.... much more than I anticipated, and that's not really my interest when it comes to essays. But I did enjoy her voice and would really like to read more from her, maybe on a larger scale as opposed to personal scale. There is, unfortunately, a lot of copy editing mistakes in this text.

[Lance Cox · Rating 5 out of 5]

All that I really think I need to say is--hell to the yeah. Pick up this book. Chew on it. Feed it to your kids (well. maybe not all of it). Love it.
You will laugh and cry and think and cry and laugh more.

[Joseph Haeger]

I have a one year old. It is wonderful to read all of my hopes, fears, questions, ambitions, and concerns about being a writer and parent articulated so well by Strielstra. This book made me feel not so alone, and I am grateful for that.

[Jen Barnicle · Rating 5 out of 5]

Loved this book and the way Megan so honestly shares her personal stories and experiences. Megan is authentic and reading her essays feels like you sat down with a good friend who has bared her soul to you.

[Vykki · Rating 4 out of 5]

What a beautiful written book it touch my heart. I won this book on Goodreads. Thank you.

[Julia Culbreth · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you like essay's, you'll love this! Excellent!

[Lavinia Ludlow · Rating 4 out of 5]

Review here: http://thenextbestbookblog.blogspot.c...

[Nicole · Rating 4 out of 5]

Megan Stielstra writes from her heart and these short stories are amazing!

[Samantha · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5 stars. I generally enjoyed this book and look forward to reading Stielstra's more recent collection. The way she writes about postpartum depression is clear and honest, and I could probably read a whole collection of her essays on just that topic. There's writing on so much else here too, though, if that doesn't fit your wheelhouse. The wit falls flat in places, and I wonder if it's more so that a lot of these pieces were originally told orally and don't translate as cleverly to the page.

[Megan Aruta · Rating 4 out of 5]

Full review here! http://meganprokott.com/once-i-was-co...