How to Act Right When Your Spouse Acts Wrong

by Leslie Vernick

Experience the Blessings of an Imperfect Marriage. We all–at one time or another–have the opportunity to act right when our spouse acts wrong. There are no perfect marriages or perfect spouses. We know that having a good marriage requires effort and hard work. Yet we often don’t know how to continue to love when we are angry, hurt, scared, or just plain irritated. Nor are we sure what that kind of love is supposed to look like. Should we be patient? Forgive and forget? Do something else entirely? Acting right when your spouse acts wrong will not necessarily guarantee a more satisfying marital relationship, nor will it automatically make your spouse change his or her ways–although both could occur. It will, however, help you see how God is stretching you in the midst of your marital difficulties, teach you to respond wisely when wronged, and lead you into a deeper relationship with Christ as you yield your will to his plan for your life and learn to be more like him.

Genres: Marriage, Nonfiction, Relationships, Christian, Counselling, Self Help, Christian Living

209 pages, Kindle Edition

Published November 23, 2011

Reviews

[Stacey · Rating 5 out of 5]

CCEF has this book on their recommendation page. I got it through bookmooch and it came in the mail yesterday when I was out. William met me at the door to say that he found my birthday present for him and is so thankful I know what he's going through. Ha. We could probably both grow from it.

We are currently reading/processing it together.
***
Confession 1: I hid this book every time we had company, and took it off my 'currently reading' so it wasn't glaring on my facebook page. The title is rather embarassing. I am sorry if it would keep people from picking this gem up, because you can always hide it.

Confession 2: Since it is really about changing yourself and your own response, I am glad William is reading it too--I underlined the parts especially for him (just kidding for the most part).

Confession 3: Wow, I am a sinful and selfish spouse. God, please work in me.

[Elizabeth Aucoin · Rating 5 out of 5]

WOW! This book was possibly life changing and I'm not even dating someone. I would recommend everyone reading this book regardless of your relationship status. Vernick's writing of how to respond in countless marital situations continuously reaffirms our call as believers (and our call as a spouse, friend, sister, daughter, roommate, +) to not only strive for our personal sanctification (to be more holy and righteous like Christ), but to also mirror Christ as a suffering servant. There are so many good takeaways, but the two biggest for me was how intricately the Lord designed marriage to display his glory and his love for his church (the bride). And secondly, how quick we are to interpret situations and respond without first looking at ourselves and our own sin.

[Beth · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this book on behalf of a family member who is going through a very difficult situation in his marriage, hoping to find some sound advice to share with him. It was excellent, and I'll definitely be recommending it.

If you're familiar with the book, _Sacred Marriage_ by Gary Thomas, this book is very similar (but goes into more depth regarding marriages in crisis).

The advice is sound and biblical. Like Thomas (whom she often quotes), Vernick emphasizes that marriage is an opportunity to pursue holiness, not just happiness. She reminds us that we should keep an eternal perspective - not looking for an easy out that will make us "happy" for a few decades, but rather persevering and succeeding in our commitment to pursue godliness, which will result in eternal rewards. Responding to sin in your spouse in a biblical manner will result in the satifaction of knowing you have done the right thing and that it pleases God, and this is the motivation to hang in there when the proverbial going gets tough. She also emphasizes the need for "tough love" or allowing certain consequences to happen to your spouse in order to bring about repentance/change and not to simply enable them to keep sinning.

While this book is certainly directed towards marriages that are in a major crisis (adultery, addictions, abuse, etc.), I think this book would be helpful for any married couple to read. The principles certainly apply to the day-to-day "normal" conflicts/irritations within a marriage, and I think every Christian couple would benefit from reading it.

[Amy Meyers · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was helpful and very biblical in its emphasis on holiness, personal responsibility, and repentance of sin. Wow, we are very selfish people. (Disclaimers: I think the advice could apply to any relationship, not just marriage. I don’t think this is the book for a person experiencing physical abuse. I think it’s better for a more normal or simply disappointing marriage.)

[Andrew Jones · Rating 3 out of 5]

Solid, no nonsense biblical wisdom on loving and serving your spouse.

[Jessi · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was read for a class at church.

[Eric · Rating 1 out of 5]

A rejected, earlier title of this book may have been, "How to be a Good, White, Evangelical Christian living in the 'Burbs."
(1/5)

[Jan Huebner · Rating 1 out of 5]

There is some false doctrine in this book. Her earlier writings held truer to the scriptures.

[Rachel · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found this book in one of those Little Free Libraries (and I will be returning it for someone else to read). I didn't think I needed the book, but I am glad I read it.

While this book can help those who are facing difficulties, anyone can benefit from reading it. After all, no one has a perfect marriage, and who hasn't been hurt by a spouse (even if it was unintentional)? Marriage isn't about finding the right person but about becoming the right person (p. 2) Learning to respond rightly when we are wronged and wounded takes maturity and wisdom--and hard work (p.3).

The marriage relationship is a picture of our covenant relationship with Christ. But even more than that, we should choose to act right because it's good for our marriage, our spouse, our children, and it pleases God. Often our spouse's wrongs reveal the negative and inaccurate way we interpret life. "We interpret all behavior through a lens that colors our understanding of things and...our lens may not always be telling us the truth" (p. 40).

Of course, there are times when a spouse must make difficult decisions or leave an abusive relationship. But too often, we tend to hold grudges when we need to choose to love and forgive. "Extending the gift of forgiveness doesn't guarantee an absence of pain nor an automatic restoration fo the relationship" (p. 174.) We can offer forgiveness because of who we are and the example that Jesus gave by forgiving those who hurt Him even while He was in pain.

What made this book easy to read was the multiple true stories the author shares true stories from her practice as a counselor.

[elcissoni · Rating 5 out of 5]

I bought this book on a whim when searching for another Vernick book. And I am so thankful that I did! This book is not about your spouse acting wrong but about how to overcome your own struggles and act right despite your circumstances, whether with your spouse or others.

I did work through this slowly, sometimes only reading a short section per day. It is simply filled with so much information, wisdom, and biblical truth. Vernick has been a practicing Christian counselor for over 25 years and many of the stories she shares in the book are applicable to a variety of marriages.

This book came along at the perfect time and I highly recommend it to anyone wanting to work on themselves, their reactions, or their marriage.

[Jon Wright · Rating 3 out of 5]

3 Stars = I liked it

I thought this book had a lot of wonderful insights on how to become a better spouse. The author uses many biblical references to introduce and support the topics being discussed which, being a Christian, didn’t bother me. I did feel that there was a lot of repetition through out the book. It would’ve been nicer if she had used more real life examples and strategies on how to overcome certain challenges, but that’s probably a personal preference.

[Katie Pozzuoli · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a challenging - but encouraging - book to read if you're struggling with run-of-the-mill marriage problems. I wouldn't recommend it for spouses whose partners are abusive or struggling with addiction. I don't believe the author takes a strong enough line in protecting those folks. Her writing values the marriage over the safety of the individual, and I think there needs to be more guidance, grace, and preservation of the individual in those situations.

[Anyike · Rating 5 out of 5]

What an amazing book, took me a long time to read but my was it impactful!

I would recommend this to both single people and married people mostly to single people because you can condition/train your mind and practice most of this with people around you.

Words cannot describe how useful and impactful this book was to me.

I am grateful that I read it and I look forward to reading the book again in the future with a different mindset!

[Rachel · Rating 5 out of 5]

Transformative!

This book was a game changer. Sought after it as a life raft to glean God's direction in a tough situation and found God given tools to change my outlook, direction and relationships. Written for marriages, but can be applied to any relationship we have in our lives...have already started reading it again.

[Janet Stewart · Rating 5 out of 5]

A Must Read for an Unhappy/Difficult Marriage Relationship

Leslie Vernick offers Biblical insight into (marriage) relationships. If you’re looking for someone to give you permission to bail out of the marriage, this book is not for you. It’s not about the other person—it’s about being the person God wants you to be in the relationship.

[Andrea Miller · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was recommended to me by my prayer minister. The whole book focuses on patience and not reacting to your hurtful spouse and to act more godly like yourself so your partner changes. I found a few pieces of the book helpful but I felt like it was just setting up people to be abused by their spouses and to just "take it". That is not fair. It is worth reading though.

[Lynn Lohr · Rating 5 out of 5]

Sublime encounter

I have a biblical counseling diploma and have been so drawn to those struggling with grief and loss in all areas of life. This book and Leslie’s view of glorifying God have changed my own personal life and marriage. It has given me a new way to counsel.

[Amy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Such an insightful book. Not at all what I expected it to be. Learning to act in a Godly way when things don't go how we would like them to go is really tough. This book gave great advice on how our responses can be more Godly and demonstrate love. I recommend this to anyone who is married.

[Bailey Gagle · Rating 4 out of 5]

Every good book for everyone, even those who are not married. Throughout the book, Leslie reminds us that acting right doesn’t mean rolling over or being a doormat for our spouse but to be the kind of spouse God created us to be; the iron that sharpens iron.

[Hanna Ray Hardman · Rating 4 out of 5]

I just changed the title in my mind to “how to act right when your family acts wrong”
while not everything was applicable to that situation, it was still helpful for a sinner who currently lives at home with other sinners

[Brook Vasquez · Rating 4 out of 5]

I appreciate the focus on controlling what you can (i.e. yourself) and I think this is can be a really influential book IF the reader believes in a biblical view of marriage. If not, this is definitely not going to feel relevant or helpful.

[Nan · Rating 3 out of 5]

Audiobook. Useful if it’s not too late to create change in how you respond. You can’t change them or help them grow up or take on more shared load or not put their unhealed stuff on you. Heal yourself and learn better ways to respond and to not grow bitter if they refuse to grow up.

[Kari McLeod · Rating 3 out of 5]

While there is a lot of good advice and good scripture reminders, I didn’t always find the situations to be helpful or relatable for me and the suffering I am walking through. I also felt like there was a bit of repetition which sometimes made it harder to read for me personally.

[Jessica Walton · Rating 5 out of 5]

I thoroughly enjoyed this book, the author did a wonderful job of incorporating biblical principles with real life scenarios (of course she changed the names to protect the innocent), to showcase how to practically apply God’s plan and purpose of marriage, especially during trying times

[Christina Gouthro · Rating 2 out of 5]

I thought that there were some helpful parts of this book, but then the author lost me completely when she said the wife should forgive the husband who sexually abused their daughter and love him unconditionally.

[John · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great advice and well written

Just what I needed. My responses are so often so sinful. I will pray that the Lord will transform my heart and mind to improve in this area.

[Denise · Rating 2 out of 5]

While there are a few things I took away from reading this book, I would not recommend it. Get "The Ministry of Marriage" instead. It's so much better.

[Bryan Trilli · Rating 3 out of 5]

Summary is, suck it up. Suffering is part of the Christian experience and all you can do is change yourself. Focus on that and trust in God to do the rest.

[Victoria · Rating 5 out of 5]

Even if your marriage is great this is a good book to read.

[Rita Johnson · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 stars