You Don't Have to Change to Change Everything: Six Ways to Shift Your Vantage Point, Stop Striving for Happy, and Find True Well-Being

by Beth Kurland

A unique approach to healing that emphasizes changing our perspectives instead of changing ourselves. Instead of struggling to change our inner experiences, we transform the container in which they are held. From here, wholeness and healing are possible; this is where actual change lives.

One of the most significant sources of suffering comes from our human tendency to avoid difficult emotions. We are not taught how to face these unpleasant, often daily inner experiences (mind-body energies) and so we tend to push them away, ignore them, or become unwittingly overwhelmed by them. Yet how we meet and greet these difficult emotions has everything to do with our well-being, resilience, and ability to connect with ourselves and others. Instinctually, we fight against our uncomfortable emotions; in doing so, we reinforce messages of “not good enough” or “something is wrong with me that I am feeling this way.”

In You Don't Have to Change to Change Everything , readers learn that instead of forcing themselves to feel “happy” and pushing away what is unpleasant, or instead of getting hooked by intense emotions, another path can lead to more profound well-being. Rather than trying to change one’s inner experiences, this book offers six ways to shift one’s vantage point when difficult emotions arise. Being aware from each of these six vantage points allows readers to cultivate inner stability, willingness to turn toward rather than away from themselves, greater perspective, internal strengths and inner resources, self-compassion, connection with the “Whole Self” versus identification with “hole self,” and interconnection with the world around them.

Genres: Nonfiction

336 pages, Paperback

Published March 26, 2024

About the author

Beth Kurland, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist, award winning author, Tedx and public speaker, and mind-body coach. She is passionate about teaching mindfulness, mind-body practices and practical tools to help people access their inner toolkit and cultivate deep well-being. For more visit https://BethKurland.com or follow her on Instagram @dr.bethkurland.

Reviews

[Sue Oshin · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is not about changing yourself, fixing yourself, or self-improvement to find happiness, This book is about shifting where you stand, shifting your vantage point, and how, when you do that, everything begins to change. It’s about shedding the layers to uncover the essence at your core that has been there all along. It’s about freeing yourself from the mental habits that have been keeping your life small. It’s about shifting your relationship with your own suffering, and how, when you can relate to your suffering in new ways, things begin to change. It isn’t about changing your circumstances (when you can’t) or about changing yourself; it is about changing your relationship to what is already here, and the choices, possibilities, resources, and deep sense of well-being that become available when you do.

We have a happiness problem in our culture, and it is making many of us—well, unhappy. There is an unspoken myth that somehow, we “should” be happy, at least much of the time, as if happiness is the holy grail or gold standard upon which we determine the value of our life. The problem is that when we don’t feel happy, we often feel like we are falling short in some way, or that there is something wrong, or even that there is something wrong with us!

[Dora Okeyo · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book got me thinking of a new way to heal, in terms of how much my perspective matters instead of working hard to change myself-it is more like changing the box you are in and not yourself to fit inside the box.
This book offers six ways to shift one's vantage point when it comes to dealing with difficult emotions. It also has take away points and questions for reflection at the end of each chapter to help reflect on the topics.
Thanks Netgalley for the eARC. I would recommend this book to anyone who is looking to approach mindfulness in a way that requires reflection.

[Katie Bruell · Rating 5 out of 5]

I gave this book 5 stars because I think the world would be a better place if everyone read it and tried to put it into practice. That said, I definitely have my issues with it. First, it's more of a workbook than a book you just sit down and read. I'd guess at least half, if not more, of the text is exercises, guided meditations, etc. There are so many of these that it's a little overwhelming. If you plan to really use this book, it's not really worth getting it on Kindle or from the library since there's no way you could keep track of all the different things to do without a paper copy to mark up and bookmark. Second, the writing is a little repetitious (her mother's death and her way of coping with it is mentioned multiple times in every chapter, and the six methods she describes seem to have a lot of overlap too--basically, take a step back and do some meta thinking!), and a little too poetical for my taste (which makes sense, since the author likes to write poetry). Plus, the repeated reference to her massive backyard, pool, etc., seemed a little tone-deaf. Finally, the many references to IFS/parts therapy, without actually being a book about how to do that therapy, was a little weird to me. Either she thinks people should go through that process or she thinks they should just do her stuff. Or maybe both, but she doesn't say that. She does say how much she benefited from IFS, and lots of the exercises mention something like talking to your parts, but this book and her methods are definitely not full-on IFS. And IFS seems to think it's the only thing you need to fix your issues, which leaves me wondering how the methods in this book fit in. Anyway, despite all of that this book has lots of good ideas, practices, and lessons.

[Angel Graham · Rating 3 out of 5]

You Don't Have to Change to Change Everything by Beth Kurland.
I received an eBook ARC to review and give my honest thoughts and opinions on.

The author has been a Clinical Psychologist for over 30 years. She has also spent time in therapy, giving her a chance to literally see both sides of therapy, what it is, how it can be used effectively.

She references several people throughout the book that helped shape her views, mentored her, or that she found to be important to what/how she derived her thoughts on healing.

Beth spends quite a bit of time talking about the inner parent, something that, while I understand what she's saying, gives me the shudders. She does say that one can definitely use a different term that doesn't leave a person re-traumatized, if that's an issue.

There's quite a bit of good in the book, but ultimately, it just wasn't for me.

I struggled with this book due to formatting issues,, but I did finally get the download to Kindle worked out, so it was much easier to read on Kindle rather than a time phone. (This issue has ZERO bearing on my review, just an aside.)

While this book wasn't for me, I still recommend it to others for whom it may be useful.

[Louise Foerster · Rating 4 out of 5]

YOU DON'T HAVE TO CHANGE TO CHANGE EVERYTHING by Beth Kurland drove home the astounding perspective that you don't have to do or be anyone other than who you are in order to be happier, more effective, and engaged with your life. Throughout her guide, she discusses approaches to start where you are, shift your perspective and how you hold the events and feelings and thoughts that run through you releases the energy, old scripts, and habits that make it feel impossible to feel joy. While some of the terms and language did not resonate for me, overall I felt that this experience-based guide offered fresh insights into finding wellbeing in the middle of chaos. That small willingness to breathe, to consider how I am the container, has changed so much for me. I enjoyed the accessible and encouraging way Kurland suggests different ways to look at yourself and your life -- and that in and of itself meant a huge whoosh of relief. I received a copy of this book and these thoughts are my own, unbiased opinions.

[Jihang Kim · Rating 2 out of 5]

Well,

[Allison Juzaitis · Rating 4 out of 5]

You Don’t Have to Change to Change Everything is the ideal combination of advice, practices, and personal anecdotes to make a compelling help book. Beth Kurland’s stories, particularly the ones regarding her own life are moving and inspiring for readers to want to implement her suggestions in to their daily lives. The book as a whole is a digestible demonstration of the benefits which result from introducing each of the six tenets Kurland discusses. The book is easy to pick up and put down at the reader’s leisure making it ideal for those who want to take her advice one piece and at time that it is equally powerful when reading straight through. I could not recommend this book enough to readers of all ages and stages of life as coming out of the pandemic in 2020, there is at least one piece of advice every person could take from reading this book.

[Melody · Rating 4 out of 5]

Thank you to NetGalley for the ARC of this book. This was probably one of the best self help books I have read in a long time. The author wrote in such a way that was easy to follow and understand and provided a good amount of personal stories, as well as stories of other people. There was also so much practical info and practical resources such as meditations and reflection questions. I really like how this book was not about trying to make drastic changes but about taking practical steps to reframe things when they arise. This is definitely a book I will be purchasing when it is released because of all the useful information that I want to be able to return to over and over again. I definitely recommend giving this book a read!