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The Journey from Abandonment to Healing, Revised and Updated: Surviving Through and Recovering from the Five Stages That Accompany the Loss of Love
The fear of abandonment is one of our most primal fears, and deservedly so. Its pain is often overwhelming, and can leave its mark on the rest of your life. In the midst of the hurt, it’s hard to see an end to your feelings of rejection, shame, and betrayal. In this updated edition of the groundbreaking book, Susan Anderson, a therapist who has specialized in helping people with loss, heartbreak, and abandonment for more than thirty years, shares recent discoveries in neuroscience that help put your pain in perspective. It is designed to help all victims of emotional breakups—whether you are suffering from a recent loss, or a lingering wound from the past; whether you are caught up in patterns that sabotage your own relationships, or you’re in a relationship in which you no longer feel loved. From the first stunning blow to starting over, it provides a complete program for abandonment recovery. Going beyond comforting words to promote real change, this healing process will help you work through the five universal stages of abandonment—shattering, withdrawal, internalizing, rage, lifting—by understanding their biochemical and behavioral origins and implications. New hands-on exercises for improving your life will teach you how to manage the inevitable pain, then go on to build a whole new concept of self, increase your capacity for love, and find new love on a deeper and richer level than ever before.
373 pages, Kindle Edition
First published March 1, 2000
694 people are currently reading
3698 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 143 reviews
May 10, 2020
I felt embarrassed* to even add this to my Goodreads, but hey, it turned out to be an important read to identify longstanding emotional wounds, better understand decades-old self-destructive patterns, and learn to take care of myself with a little more kindness, so why let myself feel shame about that? This book was good for me, some parts far more than others, and I recommend it if any of this resonates with you (subheading feels misleading since it covers family, friends, romance, death, etc).
*sidenote: I know don’t judge a book by its cover, but eesh, self-help books are in desperate need of slicker graphic design, good fonts, and cover art NOT featuring a sunset or a field a flowers.
*sidenote: I know don’t judge a book by its cover, but eesh, self-help books are in desperate need of slicker graphic design, good fonts, and cover art NOT featuring a sunset or a field a flowers.
February 2, 2012
This is one of those books, as most self-help books are, that is amazing and life-changing IF it catches you at the right moment of life and it applies to you. These things happened to line up for me and this book was an enormous help. The reason I bought it was for help with divorce recovery and it did help me deal with my grief and recognize some patterns from my previous relationship that were not good for anyone. More importantly, though, it re-introduced me to myself.
I practiced all the exercises in the book and yes, they did take a little time, but they were enormously enlightening for me. Some of them I only did once and others I keep in my toolbag and pull out whenever I need them. There is still work to be done, but I truly feel like I know myself and my situation better for having read this book and taken its ideas into my life.
I practiced all the exercises in the book and yes, they did take a little time, but they were enormously enlightening for me. Some of them I only did once and others I keep in my toolbag and pull out whenever I need them. There is still work to be done, but I truly feel like I know myself and my situation better for having read this book and taken its ideas into my life.
June 15, 2018
زمانی که صحبت از طرد شدگی میشه اکثرا یاد روابط میفتند اما اینطور نیست. طرد شدگی از سالهای اول زندگی ما اتفاق میفته و با ترس از پایان زندگی ارتباط بسیار تنگاتنگ داره. پس در طرد شدگی اتفاقات مهمی در بدن میفته. همانند مرگ عزیزان.
با این تفاوت که در مرگ عزیزان یک جمعیت کسی رو از دست میده و همدردی وجود داره اما در طرد شدگی که میتونه از یه تنها موندن در کودکی تا تجدید یک امتحان تا یه جدایی مهم باشه، غم از جنس خودتون و مال خودتونه. بماند که همه بدون درک از وضعیت روانی و جسمی شما انتظار رفتار منطقی دارند. هیچ سیستم حمایتی هم وجود نداره.
ترجمه این کتاب و کلاس صوتیش رو بنیاد فرهنگ زندگی داره.
به نظرم کتاب و علمیه که تمام ما باید بدونیم.
دیدگاهتون رو به خیلی مسائل تغییر خواهد داد.
با این تفاوت که در مرگ عزیزان یک جمعیت کسی رو از دست میده و همدردی وجود داره اما در طرد شدگی که میتونه از یه تنها موندن در کودکی تا تجدید یک امتحان تا یه جدایی مهم باشه، غم از جنس خودتون و مال خودتونه. بماند که همه بدون درک از وضعیت روانی و جسمی شما انتظار رفتار منطقی دارند. هیچ سیستم حمایتی هم وجود نداره.
ترجمه این کتاب و کلاس صوتیش رو بنیاد فرهنگ زندگی داره.
به نظرم کتاب و علمیه که تمام ما باید بدونیم.
دیدگاهتون رو به خیلی مسائل تغییر خواهد داد.
March 14, 2015
I gave this book five stars because the concepts Susan Anderson shares significantly helped me deal with the painful feelings of grief after a divorce. I received so much empathy and wisdom from her words and ideas. I'm looking at my old copy now, seven years later: yellow marker highlights throughout. I had read and studied many, many self-help books about relationships, healing, and love, and have 'been there-done that' with personal growth workshops...a bit of a hobby in my early 30s. With that, I can say there's a lot of good stuff out there to help people and a lot of junk. No junk or fluff here. The author of The Journey takes a thorough, mature, and very compassionate approach to surviving a love loss and...later, when you're ready...reaching out to love again.
July 28, 2014
I have just finished narrating this audiobook - well, actually the revised/updated edition, coming out on September 2, 2014 - and learned a lot in the process! Abandonment is a more widespread concept than I had realized, and many of us can relate to the five stages (and exercises) outlined here. Susan Anderson illustrates all of her concepts with stories from her abandonment support groups, which makes it very accessible. Life is growth, love, connection, learning...and this book will help you find and break past your obstacles. Enjoy!
December 12, 2009
Fortunately this book doesn't come with a gallon of Vodka.
February 23, 2021
“It is not through any weakness on your part that you cannot by an act of conscious will rid yourself of the anxiety, pain and fear. These intense emotions spring from the psychobiological nature of your crisis.” 57
“I learned for myself that affirmations were not enough to ward off the impact of the abandonment and its potential damage.” 120
This is a highly accessible therapy book that explores the topic of abandonment. It leans a little bit into the pop psychology category, but it is much better than the kind of self help, rah rah book that just tells you what to do differently. Anderson has a good grasp of the painful personal wrenching that divorce, death and relational loss causes. She also provides helpful self diagnosis tools and steps to move towards healing. She is a very good communicator and can distill the more complex trauma therapy systems into user friendly tools. For example, she distills a complex therapy like Internal Family Systems, into the simplistic “big self and little self” (100-106). For those with CPTSD it will be inadequate or simply a doorway into the deeper and more complex IFS therapy. But its still a helpful tool. And for many, that is probably adequate.
She also breakdowns how the amygdala and hippocampus work together in memory production and why certain memories stick, while others fade. Of course, the trauma memories may be foggy, perhaps back to birth experience (26), but the body (esp. nervous system, reptilian brain) remembers (52-55, 97-99, 215, 288). She describes how trauma memory works. For example, why is it that a small rejection or a mild slight in a social situation can cause a big inner response? Perhaps it is a momentary frown from a co-worker that stirs a strong and seemingly incommensurate emotional response. The emotional charge in a momentary frown towards an adult is negligible and to be dismissed, however, for those who have experienced abuse, abandonment, or violence this could be a trigger that touches deeper and bigger wounds.
Rather than be afraid or avoid what these momentary triggers are touching. She encourages exploration.
I hate to admit it but this book hit home on many levels. Childhood abandonment leaves deeply etched feelings of fear and hypervigilance and shame. Awakening to the awareness of how your own abandonment has impacted you can be devastating. And the work that follows is grueling. The feelings that an adult abandonment stir up are complicated and cannot be willed away, instead one must get curious and lean towards the fears, the angers, the self recriminations, and wonder, who are you emotions, and why are you here? This is not self-help chitter chatter because most people will do everything in their power to avoid this reckoning unless they get shoved into it by a crisis.
Her concept of floating anxiety was helpful for me too (98-99). The idea that you might forget events or events might be so ubiquitous, like abandonment itself, that part of your PTSD could be seen as “free floating” anxiety. I also liked Daniel Goleman’s description of PTSD she noted in her chapter notes as a “limbic disorder.” 284 I have never heard that before but makes good sense. And again, removes the sense of culpability on the part of the sufferer.
I really liked her take on the core self that can be touched and revived by abandonment. Because of abandonment “Our core feelings are awake and alive—the oldest, most enduring part of ourselves.” 114 Elsewhere she states: "When you dare to accept these feelings, you are ready to begin to heal...it is this re-awakened self that you bring into the moment with you." 66 It is here that she attempts to inspire hope. This will seem counter-intuitive to those in the early part of therapy related to abandonment. However, if for the majority of our lives, we have been coping, numbing and avoiding the wounds that have haunted from childhood, then what she calls a “shattering” can occur, when the emotional crutches and coping that was enabled through a relationship ends. It hurts like hell, but now we can connect with our core self, not avoid it, medicate it or stuff it down. We can caringly attend to the child who is wounded and still within. The positive, I think, is that these core emotions ARE the true self underneath all the survival mechanisms. That self is STILL there, he or she is not lost. It is more like they are waiting to be found. A significant adult abandonment can lead to finding that hidden “little self” which as she sees it, is a great opportunity. As she herself testifies, “My own experience taught me the benefits of staying with my feelings—even uncomfortable ones.” 250
And our sensitivity to our own wounds and the core emotions that are at work, asking for our attention (103), will also lead to better external relationships. “Unless we let calluses form, abandonment has made us more aware of the needs of others, more responsive, more capable of overcoming the obstacles to making genuine contact.” 251
So VERY weirdly, the crisis that life brings actually can free one from the dysfunctions and broken-ness of life that has been humming below the surface and normalized.
Other quotes:
“Any breach in those [childhood] attachments create fear—a feeling of being helpless, a feeling of being unable to hold on to what they hold most dear—in short, a heightened fear of abandonment. This is a fear that can live on indefinitely, often dissociated from your memory of the original events that caused it.” 50
“Abandonment is a cumulative wound—rejections past and present merge.” 117
“Abandonment survivors often have trouble controlling their aggression during this stage. It is as if the child within has taken over. Sometimes it comes out in tears. Other times you simply explode—usually when you least expect it, and often at people who aren’t at all to blame.” 133
“I learned for myself that affirmations were not enough to ward off the impact of the abandonment and its potential damage.” 120
This is a highly accessible therapy book that explores the topic of abandonment. It leans a little bit into the pop psychology category, but it is much better than the kind of self help, rah rah book that just tells you what to do differently. Anderson has a good grasp of the painful personal wrenching that divorce, death and relational loss causes. She also provides helpful self diagnosis tools and steps to move towards healing. She is a very good communicator and can distill the more complex trauma therapy systems into user friendly tools. For example, she distills a complex therapy like Internal Family Systems, into the simplistic “big self and little self” (100-106). For those with CPTSD it will be inadequate or simply a doorway into the deeper and more complex IFS therapy. But its still a helpful tool. And for many, that is probably adequate.
She also breakdowns how the amygdala and hippocampus work together in memory production and why certain memories stick, while others fade. Of course, the trauma memories may be foggy, perhaps back to birth experience (26), but the body (esp. nervous system, reptilian brain) remembers (52-55, 97-99, 215, 288). She describes how trauma memory works. For example, why is it that a small rejection or a mild slight in a social situation can cause a big inner response? Perhaps it is a momentary frown from a co-worker that stirs a strong and seemingly incommensurate emotional response. The emotional charge in a momentary frown towards an adult is negligible and to be dismissed, however, for those who have experienced abuse, abandonment, or violence this could be a trigger that touches deeper and bigger wounds.
Rather than be afraid or avoid what these momentary triggers are touching. She encourages exploration.
I hate to admit it but this book hit home on many levels. Childhood abandonment leaves deeply etched feelings of fear and hypervigilance and shame. Awakening to the awareness of how your own abandonment has impacted you can be devastating. And the work that follows is grueling. The feelings that an adult abandonment stir up are complicated and cannot be willed away, instead one must get curious and lean towards the fears, the angers, the self recriminations, and wonder, who are you emotions, and why are you here? This is not self-help chitter chatter because most people will do everything in their power to avoid this reckoning unless they get shoved into it by a crisis.
Her concept of floating anxiety was helpful for me too (98-99). The idea that you might forget events or events might be so ubiquitous, like abandonment itself, that part of your PTSD could be seen as “free floating” anxiety. I also liked Daniel Goleman’s description of PTSD she noted in her chapter notes as a “limbic disorder.” 284 I have never heard that before but makes good sense. And again, removes the sense of culpability on the part of the sufferer.
I really liked her take on the core self that can be touched and revived by abandonment. Because of abandonment “Our core feelings are awake and alive—the oldest, most enduring part of ourselves.” 114 Elsewhere she states: "When you dare to accept these feelings, you are ready to begin to heal...it is this re-awakened self that you bring into the moment with you." 66 It is here that she attempts to inspire hope. This will seem counter-intuitive to those in the early part of therapy related to abandonment. However, if for the majority of our lives, we have been coping, numbing and avoiding the wounds that have haunted from childhood, then what she calls a “shattering” can occur, when the emotional crutches and coping that was enabled through a relationship ends. It hurts like hell, but now we can connect with our core self, not avoid it, medicate it or stuff it down. We can caringly attend to the child who is wounded and still within. The positive, I think, is that these core emotions ARE the true self underneath all the survival mechanisms. That self is STILL there, he or she is not lost. It is more like they are waiting to be found. A significant adult abandonment can lead to finding that hidden “little self” which as she sees it, is a great opportunity. As she herself testifies, “My own experience taught me the benefits of staying with my feelings—even uncomfortable ones.” 250
And our sensitivity to our own wounds and the core emotions that are at work, asking for our attention (103), will also lead to better external relationships. “Unless we let calluses form, abandonment has made us more aware of the needs of others, more responsive, more capable of overcoming the obstacles to making genuine contact.” 251
So VERY weirdly, the crisis that life brings actually can free one from the dysfunctions and broken-ness of life that has been humming below the surface and normalized.
Other quotes:
“Any breach in those [childhood] attachments create fear—a feeling of being helpless, a feeling of being unable to hold on to what they hold most dear—in short, a heightened fear of abandonment. This is a fear that can live on indefinitely, often dissociated from your memory of the original events that caused it.” 50
“Abandonment is a cumulative wound—rejections past and present merge.” 117
“Abandonment survivors often have trouble controlling their aggression during this stage. It is as if the child within has taken over. Sometimes it comes out in tears. Other times you simply explode—usually when you least expect it, and often at people who aren’t at all to blame.” 133
July 30, 2019
My heart feels lighter after closing this book: I found deep, genuine healing throughout its pages. I knew I was carrying an immense weight of grief, shame, disappointment, pain, betrayal, and some sort of fear (of abandonment, it so happens) when I picked up this book. It taught me far more than I anticipated. It healed me more than I thought possible to engage in this book’s AKeRU exercises, to learn of the swirling nature of abandonment recovery, and to examine my abandonment experiences and fears originating far into my childhood.
I am endlessly grateful Susan Anderson took the time to compile this organized, heartfelt well of wisdom. There is nothing more grace-filled than rediscovering and solidifying your sense of worth; to find within your own, worthy self the healing you needed all along. This book helped me to achieve all of this, and more. Thank you. ❤️ (Commitment to Love)
I am endlessly grateful Susan Anderson took the time to compile this organized, heartfelt well of wisdom. There is nothing more grace-filled than rediscovering and solidifying your sense of worth; to find within your own, worthy self the healing you needed all along. This book helped me to achieve all of this, and more. Thank you. ❤️ (Commitment to Love)
January 7, 2014
Okay. I like how this book talks about abandonment recovery in a cool scientific perspective and how one may go through all the stages over and over again. It makes a lot of sense and helps with acceptance of all the grief. However, I don't like that the author subscribes to Freudian psychoanalysis so fondly and relates everything back to childhood experience and talks about separation anxiety at birth. Well, just personal opinion about psychoanalysis I guess. So if you like Freud, you may like it.
What really makes me frown is that, reading about all the depressing stories and traumatizing wounds in this book actually makes me even more depressed and hopeless. One can lose a partner of decades to someone else all of a sudden even if they were perfectly happy just days before?! I don't know how I can handle something like that. Might as well stay single for the rest of my life.
What really makes me frown is that, reading about all the depressing stories and traumatizing wounds in this book actually makes me even more depressed and hopeless. One can lose a partner of decades to someone else all of a sudden even if they were perfectly happy just days before?! I don't know how I can handle something like that. Might as well stay single for the rest of my life.
February 8, 2010
Some of the practical exercises were a little far-out and time-consuming to me but the rest of the book was very informative and helpful. Good explanation of abandonment issues and how our childhood baggage can adversely affect our adulthood, especially in regards to our interpersonal relationships. Gives stages of abandonment (similar to grief stages). The last chapter sums up abandonment in a very unique way with an analogy of a parade, the participants and the ones on the sidelines.
November 16, 2018
ما همه قربانی طرد شدگی هستیم. هر بار که به عنوان یه کودک بهمون بی توجهی شده، حس کردیم به درد نمیخوریم، در ما چیزی هست که پدرمادرمون بد میدونن، به قدر کافی خوب نیستیم، مقصر اتفاقاتی هستیم که داره در اطراف میفته، تقصیر ماست که اطرافیانمون از دست ما عصبانی میشن،... ما طرد شدیم. این دردیه که در تمام زندگی با ما باقی میمونه. با هر بار طرد شدگی جدید (جدا موندن از جمع خونواده، نخواسته شدن توسط کسی که دوستش داشتیم، رها شدن توسط شریکمون، بی معرفتی دیدن از دوست هامون، مرگ آدم های نزدیکمون، جا موندن از جمع های دوستی، احساس پذیرفته نشدن در محیط کاری مون، حس غربت هنگام ورود به یک محیط جدید، رفتن از شهر و وطن، و...) این در واقع در مخزن طردشدگی های قدیمیه که باز میشه. و این درد عجیب، این حس عجیب بلعیده شدن توسط یه سیاه چاله ی عظیم، این حس هیچ بودن، فارغ از علتیه که الان اتفاق افتاده. این در واقع جاییه که ما اشتباه میکنیم اغلب. به جای پرداختن به حس غم، دلیل رو در عاملی که باعث شده در اون مخزن باز بشه جستجو میکنیم.
به ظواهر حس ها اعتماد نکنین. به صدایی که از اجتماع میاد گوش ندید. از بزرگی میخوندم که با صرف گوش کردن به توصیه های اجتماعی و سخن بزرگان، تفکر زنده و منطبق با تجربه های شخصی وجود یکتای شما از بین میره و دچار حس از خودبیگانگی و تنهایی و افسردگی خواهید شد.
با دردتون تنها بمونین و به صدای درونتون گوش بدین. کودکی در ما نشسته که در هر بار طرد شدگی از اول رها میشه و بقاش به خطر می افته. نیازش رو پیدا کنین. و به دنبال راه های درست برای تامینش باشین. بغلش کنین. بهش بگین که تقصیر اون نبوده. بهش بگین به اندازه ی کافی خوبه. به اندازه ی کافی زیباست. و تمام وجودش ترکیبی از تمام منفی ها و مثبت ها زیباست. دست بردارین از تنبیه اون بچه یک جای زندگیتون. اینطوریه که ما موفق به دوست داشتن خودمون میشیم. و فقط از این نقطه به بعده که میتونیم وجود دیگری رو هم بپذیریم و قادر به دوست داشتن دیگران باشیم.
این کتاب بهتون حس بی نهایتی از درک شدن میده. احتمالا برای دردی که هرگز فکرشم نمیکردید انقدر رسمیت داشته باشه. دردی که فراتر از درد ناشی از مرگ دیگری، از عظیم ترین و عمیق ترین دردهای انسانیه. اگر جایی از زندگی هستید که حس رها شدگی دارید، وقت رو از دست ندید.
نویسنده این کتاب سالها به روانکاوی مشغول بوده و وقتی کتاب رو مینویسه که بعد از بیست سال زندگی مشترک، همسرش رهاش میکنه برای بودن با زن دیگری. و این باعث تجربه عمیق ترین حس طرد شدگی براش میشه. فصل پایانی کتاب اختتامیه خوبیه برای تمام قربانیان طرد شدگی که قهرمان زندگیشون میشن نهایتا. کسایی که از دردهاشون روشنایی میسازن و با دست ها و پاهای قطع شده، ولی با سر بلند در مارش زندگی شرکت میکنن. احتمالا، عظیم ترین قهرمان های زندگی.
به ظواهر حس ها اعتماد نکنین. به صدایی که از اجتماع میاد گوش ندید. از بزرگی میخوندم که با صرف گوش کردن به توصیه های اجتماعی و سخن بزرگان، تفکر زنده و منطبق با تجربه های شخصی وجود یکتای شما از بین میره و دچار حس از خودبیگانگی و تنهایی و افسردگی خواهید شد.
با دردتون تنها بمونین و به صدای درونتون گوش بدین. کودکی در ما نشسته که در هر بار طرد شدگی از اول رها میشه و بقاش به خطر می افته. نیازش رو پیدا کنین. و به دنبال راه های درست برای تامینش باشین. بغلش کنین. بهش بگین که تقصیر اون نبوده. بهش بگین به اندازه ی کافی خوبه. به اندازه ی کافی زیباست. و تمام وجودش ترکیبی از تمام منفی ها و مثبت ها زیباست. دست بردارین از تنبیه اون بچه یک جای زندگیتون. اینطوریه که ما موفق به دوست داشتن خودمون میشیم. و فقط از این نقطه به بعده که میتونیم وجود دیگری رو هم بپذیریم و قادر به دوست داشتن دیگران باشیم.
این کتاب بهتون حس بی نهایتی از درک شدن میده. احتمالا برای دردی که هرگز فکرشم نمیکردید انقدر رسمیت داشته باشه. دردی که فراتر از درد ناشی از مرگ دیگری، از عظیم ترین و عمیق ترین دردهای انسانیه. اگر جایی از زندگی هستید که حس رها شدگی دارید، وقت رو از دست ندید.
نویسنده این کتاب سالها به روانکاوی مشغول بوده و وقتی کتاب رو مینویسه که بعد از بیست سال زندگی مشترک، همسرش رهاش میکنه برای بودن با زن دیگری. و این باعث تجربه عمیق ترین حس طرد شدگی براش میشه. فصل پایانی کتاب اختتامیه خوبیه برای تمام قربانیان طرد شدگی که قهرمان زندگیشون میشن نهایتا. کسایی که از دردهاشون روشنایی میسازن و با دست ها و پاهای قطع شده، ولی با سر بلند در مارش زندگی شرکت میکنن. احتمالا، عظیم ترین قهرمان های زندگی.
April 14, 2021
Ok, I must confess I was a little ashamed to put this on my shelf, I was thinking „why should the whole internet know I have abandonment issues?“, but then I remembered the whole internet does not care. Also, although I know lots of people who are open about mental health issues, I never met someone who had abandonment issues. Maybe, like me for a long while, people don’t know that something like this exists.
So this book made me feel less isolated in my pain. It also describes very well the abandonment issues and gives some solutions with which one can improve. The exercises are related to inner-child work so I guess this book is not for those who think such things are mumbo-jumbo.
So this book made me feel less isolated in my pain. It also describes very well the abandonment issues and gives some solutions with which one can improve. The exercises are related to inner-child work so I guess this book is not for those who think such things are mumbo-jumbo.
August 17, 2022
Yllättävän hyvä ja oikeasti lohduttava kirja hylätyksi tulleille.
September 12, 2021
I didn’t think I needed this book when I read the title. A friend recommended that I read it while dealing with the emotional fallout of a failed relationship. Boy were my first impressions wrong. I am going to read this book multiple times. It does an amazing job at explaining self-sabotage and how to stop destructive patterns in your life. I wish everyone knew about this book! This one is a must read.
Currently reading
October 4, 2012This book is having a profound affect on me. I LOVE the exercises. I do not have a partner who has left or is leaving me but I have huge abandonment issues. I have to change the words to work for my situation but it all resonates. Maybe this is a book that is right for the right time for me and I am thankful that I have it and am reading it now.
May 15, 2020
This is such a phenomenal and encompassing resource to recognize internalized abandonment challenges, heal from abandonment and what it often prompts -- low self-esteem, being one's own worst critic, second-guessing, neediness or emotional unavailability, and prevent the blow further abandonment may cause. Because there is no safeguard against abandonment of course.
But similarly to the 5 stages of grief, the author walks the reader through the 5 stages of abandonment: Shattering (such an apt description), withdrawal, internalizing the rejection, rage, lifting.
It's refreshing that the author makes clear you can either keep spiraling through all stagesin one day, keep repeating the pattern, or even experience a different order of stages. This is something I miss in other similar books sometimes, which may give the reader the impression they are grieving/healing/feeling "wrong."
I enjoyed the versatile case examples given, that abandonment was looked at from all angles, childhood abandonment, abandonment in relationships, old age, due to illness or impending death, and many more.
A splendid and informative read for everyone interested in the dynamics of interpersonal relationships, trying to support a client or loved one, and those needing to heal from abandonment.
But similarly to the 5 stages of grief, the author walks the reader through the 5 stages of abandonment: Shattering (such an apt description), withdrawal, internalizing the rejection, rage, lifting.
It's refreshing that the author makes clear you can either keep spiraling through all stagesin one day, keep repeating the pattern, or even experience a different order of stages. This is something I miss in other similar books sometimes, which may give the reader the impression they are grieving/healing/feeling "wrong."
I enjoyed the versatile case examples given, that abandonment was looked at from all angles, childhood abandonment, abandonment in relationships, old age, due to illness or impending death, and many more.
A splendid and informative read for everyone interested in the dynamics of interpersonal relationships, trying to support a client or loved one, and those needing to heal from abandonment.
July 21, 2016
I was following a relationship blog a little over a year ago and this book seemed all the rage. I bought it, read it, and found myself a little disappointed. It was not a bad book per se, but I just could not get on board with the hard-sciency explanations of grief and abandonment. Not that I think they do not have physiological manifestations- they do- but I don't know, something about the way the author turned it into a textbook, and then tried to turn it back into a (somewhat hokey) self-help book with exercises based on visualizations, etcetera, made it seem like it didn't really know what it was aiming for. Just didn't work for me.
Though, very helpful in the way of affirming and validating your experience of heartbreak, because the devastation and grief of that is far too overlooked, and anderson does well to draw attention to that.
Though, very helpful in the way of affirming and validating your experience of heartbreak, because the devastation and grief of that is far too overlooked, and anderson does well to draw attention to that.
August 24, 2018
I got this book right when I needed it, at the most cruel end of what was supposed to be a life long relationship. Had I found it at any other time it would not have made an impact. But I happened upon it right when I needed it, and walked through the stages of abandonment grief and the deeply meaningful and powerful practical exercises in my life at the same time as in the reading of this work. So much has come of my experience with the guidance of this work that I am now very grateful for. It even inspired me to create a series of paintings to chronicle the passing of the stages of grief, which I have shared on instagram.
Two recommendations - 1. Read it when you need it, not just for fun. And 2. If you are in the thick of being abandoned, the audiobook may be better for you. Just the effort of reading may be a bit much.
Susan Anderson, thank you for writing this book.
Two recommendations - 1. Read it when you need it, not just for fun. And 2. If you are in the thick of being abandoned, the audiobook may be better for you. Just the effort of reading may be a bit much.
Susan Anderson, thank you for writing this book.
July 1, 2019
Read this book.
Facing death in the family? A divorce? Desertion by a trusted friend?
Written by someone who has lived through the same challenges you face now, and filled with insights and commentary from numerous others, this book will be your guide.
It articulates the things you're struggling with. It gives you a vocabulary to make sense of this new world. And most importantly it gives you a process for working through your emotions to heal, and find the opportunity in your crisis.
If this sounds compelling, go and buy it now. Ration yourself a chapter a day. Work through the exercises outlined by Anderson. And experience the shift that takes place.
And what if you aren't dealing with any abandonment right now?
Make a note. Bookmark this as "just in case" for you, or someone you care about.
Facing death in the family? A divorce? Desertion by a trusted friend?
Written by someone who has lived through the same challenges you face now, and filled with insights and commentary from numerous others, this book will be your guide.
It articulates the things you're struggling with. It gives you a vocabulary to make sense of this new world. And most importantly it gives you a process for working through your emotions to heal, and find the opportunity in your crisis.
If this sounds compelling, go and buy it now. Ration yourself a chapter a day. Work through the exercises outlined by Anderson. And experience the shift that takes place.
And what if you aren't dealing with any abandonment right now?
Make a note. Bookmark this as "just in case" for you, or someone you care about.
May 10, 2021
Each stage of recovery is walked through in detail from examples of real life experiences, explanations of changes that happen to the brain and exercises on how to harness difficult emotions and channel that energy into constructive, forward focused behaviours. While the book concentrates on abandonment in romantic relationships, each stage is easily applicable to other forms of abandonment too – whether the death of a loved one, emotional or physical unavailability of a parent, the ending of a friendship, etc. Linkages are made between the immediacy of an experience with a lookback at early childhood experiences to help explain how some of our programming (i.e. how we act and react in situations) is formed. I found the parts focused on the Big-Little-Outer dynamic especially useful and I loved how inspired and positive the dreamscape exercise made me feel.
May 12, 2024
A beautiful book. It made me realize I’m not crazy.
January 4, 2022
The book has a lot of good informantion. I'm listening to the audio book, but I almost quit becuase of the patronizing tone the narrator takes. It's narrated as if the listener is a child. The Akeru principal is off too, seems like the author's branding technique.
The exercises are interesting and some very good. The "little-big" concept is interesting, but dialogues were really weird, again they sounded childish. Maybe that was the idea? It just didn't sit well for me. I'm not a fiction reader, nor do I make up scenarios, and there was a lot of this in the book.
There are definitely some very good take aways about neuropsycholgy, past trauma, and pattern repition and I do recommend the book, but be prepared to be talked down to in some parts. A more direct adult tone would be have been better.
The exercises are interesting and some very good. The "little-big" concept is interesting, but dialogues were really weird, again they sounded childish. Maybe that was the idea? It just didn't sit well for me. I'm not a fiction reader, nor do I make up scenarios, and there was a lot of this in the book.
There are definitely some very good take aways about neuropsycholgy, past trauma, and pattern repition and I do recommend the book, but be prepared to be talked down to in some parts. A more direct adult tone would be have been better.
November 16, 2016
This book became more disappointing as it went on.
The most that I got out of it was some validation for how I am feeling about a current abandonment trauma, but overall the book seems like it is the very personal process and experience of the author more than it has anything to do with brain science or well-researched case studies. The author often inserts her own abandonment experience into the book, and it comes across as doing her own therapy by writing the book.
The whole Akeru concept is baffling. In the end, it feels more like a term applied to give validation to the content of the book than a real, relevant connection to healing. The Akeru exercises are sometimes bizarre, like conversations with your child self. The Rage chapter might be the longest of the book, and I couldn't help but wonder if that was because that was the primary experience of the author.
All in all, the whole book felt like a lot of pseudo-science. It seems to be geared toward people who have never done any work on themselves before suffering an abandonment loss, and there is almost no spiritual component to the recovery process to be found. If you are a person of faith, I'm not sure there is much in here for you. Akeru appears to boil down to solipsism, really, which is a sketchy worldview, at best. I was glad to read the stories of other abandonment survivors and to see parallels in my own story, emotions and experience, but that was about all I got out of it.
Maybe I just didn't read this at the right time, but I think it's more likely that this book is just not for me, regardless of the timing. The author felt too close to the subject matter and seemed to attempt to fill a void in professional study on abandonment loss which she freely admits to existing.
Conjecture criticism aside, I didn't like the book and didn't feel helped by it.
The most that I got out of it was some validation for how I am feeling about a current abandonment trauma, but overall the book seems like it is the very personal process and experience of the author more than it has anything to do with brain science or well-researched case studies. The author often inserts her own abandonment experience into the book, and it comes across as doing her own therapy by writing the book.
The whole Akeru concept is baffling. In the end, it feels more like a term applied to give validation to the content of the book than a real, relevant connection to healing. The Akeru exercises are sometimes bizarre, like conversations with your child self. The Rage chapter might be the longest of the book, and I couldn't help but wonder if that was because that was the primary experience of the author.
All in all, the whole book felt like a lot of pseudo-science. It seems to be geared toward people who have never done any work on themselves before suffering an abandonment loss, and there is almost no spiritual component to the recovery process to be found. If you are a person of faith, I'm not sure there is much in here for you. Akeru appears to boil down to solipsism, really, which is a sketchy worldview, at best. I was glad to read the stories of other abandonment survivors and to see parallels in my own story, emotions and experience, but that was about all I got out of it.
Maybe I just didn't read this at the right time, but I think it's more likely that this book is just not for me, regardless of the timing. The author felt too close to the subject matter and seemed to attempt to fill a void in professional study on abandonment loss which she freely admits to existing.
Conjecture criticism aside, I didn't like the book and didn't feel helped by it.
November 2, 2021
Much of this book is spent circling around the experience of being abandoned, giving the author many opportunities to quote all the common phrases people think when abandoned. The reader then finds several relatable items, thinking, “That’s exactly what I thought, how I felt, what happened to me, what I did!” The reader feels heard, listened to, and is primed to like the author and anything that ensues. The author then spews a lot of fancy phrases, many of which are overly complex, some of which are misused or meaningless, but the reader understands the gist. This makes one feel as though the author is authoritative while stroking the reader’s ego for understanding such big words. There may be some good in this, but there is also much garbage. I would not recommend this, nor would I trust it.
June 1, 2015
I really appreciated how this book approached the subject of the fear of abandonment, and I suspect the author is correct that it is far more pervasive in our culture than anyone really wants to know. There is little opportunity for dialogue when we lose a friend, a partner, or family member, especially when those people are still alive but decide to leave us behind for whatever reason. Who want's to admit that? We are all afraid of appearing vulnerable, in the end. Anderson offers some solace for those unresolved emotional wounds. If I have a complaint about this book, it is the 'big me - little me' exercise drove me up the wall as incredibly annoying. I wish Mz. Anderson could have found and offered a second option for that process that would have felt less schizophrenic overall.
December 22, 2020
This book was so important for me to read on so many levels. I felt every chapter healing me and confirming so many things I already knew but had to read again. If only I had read this book as a broken 15 years old girl, ahhh would things be different!
Instead of spending money on therapy I would suggest reading this book first, the results are the same. Even if you are happily married, in a relationship or in the midst of a break up, you should read this book. The title is a bit dramatic and misleading as it tackles so much more than just healing from the abandonment wound.
This self-help book is a gem. I'll be revisiting it every so often. 10/10
Instead of spending money on therapy I would suggest reading this book first, the results are the same. Even if you are happily married, in a relationship or in the midst of a break up, you should read this book. The title is a bit dramatic and misleading as it tackles so much more than just healing from the abandonment wound.
This self-help book is a gem. I'll be revisiting it every so often. 10/10
August 1, 2015
Parts of this book were very good and helpful, and others, not so much. The constant referral back to childhood events seemed like too much of an easy target; it's something that would resonate with some people, but not necessarily all people. The book is also more Freudian in its approach than I would like. I did not do any of the exercises outlined in this book, such as the dialogues with one's inner child. My rating is closer to a 2.5 due to the hard science explanations, which I did appreciate.
September 26, 2013
This book changed my life. Truly. I learned to recognize why I was making some of the choices I was making and how to make healthier choices. This book enabled me to get away from toxic people in my life and to surround myself with healthier ones. Also, how to recognize the difference and how not to be toxic.
July 20, 2019
This book explores 5 stages of abandonment healing process (shuttering, withdrawal, intellectualising, rage, lifting) for anybody who has experienced loss, abandonment in either their childhood, adolescence or any stage in adulthood. The author offers to explore relationship with yourself, in particular with your inner child e.g. "little", outer child and adult self. In particular, explore unmet needs of the inner child; how outer child, which has developing ego learned to cope with the abandonment and unmet needs of the inner child; and how adult self can help to meet love and needs of the inner child; catch and manage acting out behaviour of outer child; and how to be a mediator between little and outer child, encourage a healthy dialogue. In the book, Susan Anderson offers 5 exercise to help at different stages of healing e.g. 1) be present; 2) Work on speaking up for yourself by managing your fears. Do not hold/bottle up anger or rage learn how to express it correctly. 3)Envisioning your own perfect place; 4) Learning to separate your behaviour from your feelings by recognising the "inventories" associated with outer child. 5) Practice to generate your own self love and self essence.
Further notes 📝
=> On 5 stages of “akeru” process 1. Shutter news- unable to trust. 2. Withdrawal- intense craving for the love you are missing; you ache and desire for your loved one to return even when if the other person doesn’t meet your needs, you get clingy and needy. You may feel entity emotional fatigue. Instead focus on the connection to yourself. 3. Internalizing - emotional wound gets infected and results in permanent scaring and damage to your self esteem. This is when you suppress anger towards yo your partner and but up on yourself instead. You idealize the abandomer at your own expense; the explicit and implicit criticism of your ex partner is taken to heart. You become pre occupied with regrets what you should have done or could have done to prevent the loss. Focus instead of building a new concept of self, new decisions and new goals. 4. Rage- taking a stand and fight the challenge of outside world. Rage energy helps to fight and define newly developed sense of self. May have unrealistic expectations from others to replace the loss love and nurturing you are missing. When you don’t get it you explode. 5. Liftiness- Lifting is the lift from longing, insecurity and grief, it’s time to reflect to emotional truths we feel about our abandonment and take stock of our emotional baggage. It’s time to honor our feelings.
=> how do you subsidize your emotional craving?
=> Setting yourself for re abandonment by setting up relationships that echo childhood. This is known as repetition compulsion. This is when you accept as normal those relationships that never provide support you need, you feel emotional gratification, you give and get very little in return, criticism, emotional distance.
=> Dialogue with inner self to build self security
1. Get clear picture of the abandoned child, recall yourself at 4 yo., what was your emotional core? Imagine yourself as an adult standing right next beside you. If you feel insecure, afraid to take risk it is the child in you who feels insecure, afraid to take risk. Accept and care for the long abandoned self. 2. Imagine yourself as an adult you want to be. Focus on what you are really good at and work from there. Imagine your adult taking care of your needs. 3. Now start a dialogue between your inner child, adult as real you a mediator. Meeting hating the child needs and adult ability to validate child’s feelings and provide all that she needs: sense of belonging, love, being admired, listened to, to be relieved from guilt and burden. The child will express feelings and look for help from the adult. The mediator of the dialogue adopt language between child and adult, your task is to become more aware of what you are feeling, support adult who is trying to be emotionally nurturing. Treasure that everything will be alright. Practice daily, after 3 times a week. NEVER BREAK a PROMISE to a child especially to your INNER CHILD
=> What it means to be a human being?the principles of oneself:
1. Facing and accepting your reality.
2. Celebrating important of your own existence, you are. Or more or less important than anyone else. Every person existence is important
3. Facing and accepting your reality- make the best of it, cultivate radical acceptance
4. Enhance your capacity to love
***** adopt and change them****
Exercise: dream scape
Internalizing to own advantage
Tune in to the moment and use your imagining brain
1. Imagine financial freedom - unlimited financial resources.
2. It should be realistic
3. Should provide center, security, form and shape.
=> Practice free expression: by dismantling people pleasing patterns and assert your preferences needs and truth. Eg teen how you feel: last week when you reacted to me like I was some sort of nuncemce I felt angry and defensive. I am telling you this because I would like to be open with you about my feelings. This isn’t easy for me. I am just as vulnerable as you are.
=> Be in the moment with other person: give yourself a credit for meeting the needs of a little for love. Outline daily actions you will take in the little behalf. Document. Create a plan of changing behaviors one step at the time. Daily progress example: 1. was I able to be in a moment with other person? Did I generate feelings of caring? 2. Did I respond for the love a little was really asking for? 3. Am I able to visualize fulfillment in my dream escape? 4. Did I identify my inner child? Did I take control? Today action plane 5. Did I make love as my goal for daily activities?
Further notes 📝
=> On 5 stages of “akeru” process 1. Shutter news- unable to trust. 2. Withdrawal- intense craving for the love you are missing; you ache and desire for your loved one to return even when if the other person doesn’t meet your needs, you get clingy and needy. You may feel entity emotional fatigue. Instead focus on the connection to yourself. 3. Internalizing - emotional wound gets infected and results in permanent scaring and damage to your self esteem. This is when you suppress anger towards yo your partner and but up on yourself instead. You idealize the abandomer at your own expense; the explicit and implicit criticism of your ex partner is taken to heart. You become pre occupied with regrets what you should have done or could have done to prevent the loss. Focus instead of building a new concept of self, new decisions and new goals. 4. Rage- taking a stand and fight the challenge of outside world. Rage energy helps to fight and define newly developed sense of self. May have unrealistic expectations from others to replace the loss love and nurturing you are missing. When you don’t get it you explode. 5. Liftiness- Lifting is the lift from longing, insecurity and grief, it’s time to reflect to emotional truths we feel about our abandonment and take stock of our emotional baggage. It’s time to honor our feelings.
=> how do you subsidize your emotional craving?
=> Setting yourself for re abandonment by setting up relationships that echo childhood. This is known as repetition compulsion. This is when you accept as normal those relationships that never provide support you need, you feel emotional gratification, you give and get very little in return, criticism, emotional distance.
=> Dialogue with inner self to build self security
1. Get clear picture of the abandoned child, recall yourself at 4 yo., what was your emotional core? Imagine yourself as an adult standing right next beside you. If you feel insecure, afraid to take risk it is the child in you who feels insecure, afraid to take risk. Accept and care for the long abandoned self. 2. Imagine yourself as an adult you want to be. Focus on what you are really good at and work from there. Imagine your adult taking care of your needs. 3. Now start a dialogue between your inner child, adult as real you a mediator. Meeting hating the child needs and adult ability to validate child’s feelings and provide all that she needs: sense of belonging, love, being admired, listened to, to be relieved from guilt and burden. The child will express feelings and look for help from the adult. The mediator of the dialogue adopt language between child and adult, your task is to become more aware of what you are feeling, support adult who is trying to be emotionally nurturing. Treasure that everything will be alright. Practice daily, after 3 times a week. NEVER BREAK a PROMISE to a child especially to your INNER CHILD
=> What it means to be a human being?the principles of oneself:
1. Facing and accepting your reality.
2. Celebrating important of your own existence, you are. Or more or less important than anyone else. Every person existence is important
3. Facing and accepting your reality- make the best of it, cultivate radical acceptance
4. Enhance your capacity to love
***** adopt and change them****
Exercise: dream scape
Internalizing to own advantage
Tune in to the moment and use your imagining brain
1. Imagine financial freedom - unlimited financial resources.
2. It should be realistic
3. Should provide center, security, form and shape.
=> Practice free expression: by dismantling people pleasing patterns and assert your preferences needs and truth. Eg teen how you feel: last week when you reacted to me like I was some sort of nuncemce I felt angry and defensive. I am telling you this because I would like to be open with you about my feelings. This isn’t easy for me. I am just as vulnerable as you are.
=> Be in the moment with other person: give yourself a credit for meeting the needs of a little for love. Outline daily actions you will take in the little behalf. Document. Create a plan of changing behaviors one step at the time. Daily progress example: 1. was I able to be in a moment with other person? Did I generate feelings of caring? 2. Did I respond for the love a little was really asking for? 3. Am I able to visualize fulfillment in my dream escape? 4. Did I identify my inner child? Did I take control? Today action plane 5. Did I make love as my goal for daily activities?
September 3, 2016
If you find yourself in this situation, this book is tremendously helpful. The author tailors the stages of grief to the specific situation of grief combined with abandonment. I can't recommend it highly enough.
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