Midlife Orphan: Facing Life's Changes Now That Your Parents Are Gone

by Jane Brooks

The word "orphan" may make us think of a child--but even self-sufficient adults can feel the pain of "orphanhood" when their parents are suddenly gone. Complicating the natural mourning process is the fact that this loss often occurs in our thirties, forties, or fifties--as we are raising our own children, watching them leave the nest, and facing other adjustments in our lives, from our jobs to our marriages to our health. This thoughtful exploration of a neglected subject explains the emotional impact of losing our parents in the midst of midlife--and why many underestimate it. Discussing such topics as changes in self-image, unresolved issues, guilt, sorrow, and anger, the emotional impact of inheritance, and the shifting of roles as a result of "midlife orphanhood," Jane Brooks shows us how to find new sources of strength, in both ourselves and others, after our parents are gone.

Genres: Nonfiction, Self Help, Grief, Death, Psychology

241 pages, Paperback

First published April 1, 1999

Reviews

[Rebecca · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book hit home with what I'm feeling (and what our family is experiencing) since Mom died. When the last parent dies, the feelings are different than when the first parent dies. You end up searching for yourself and your identity while preserving the memories of your parents. Especially at mid-life (30s to 50s), losing the last parent throws you into a mid-life crisis early, where you try and figure out who you are and what you're supposed to do with your life. A very good read, recommended from my grad school friend (and psychologist) Suzanne.

[Jacqui · Rating 3 out of 5]

a lot of the anecdotal stories didn't really resonate with me, I'm an only child, no siblings, there was no inheritance, none of the usual obstacles. I'd hoped to glean some closure or direction on how to channel this festering energy from these emotions, but all this book really did for me was show me my reactions, sense of isolation/abandonment is common when everyone but you dies off. No real insight on what to "do" with all of it now that it's firmly in your lap

the book itself is an 'easy' read, I read it cover to cover in a couple hours.

[Sarah · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book, as the title suggests, is about losing both of your parents. I knew it was probably going to be focusing on a slightly older demographic (I was 27 when my dad, my last parent, died suddenly), so I wasn't surprised when the stories were mainly from people in their forties and fifties, some even in their sixties themselves. I have felt some of the things that they discussed, though, so I can get some of it, even though I don't have experience with dealing with your own children after losing your parents.

There aren't a lot of practical suggestions, mainly just anecdotes about becoming an orphan and how people felt about it. I wish there were a few more steps, but it's still nice to know you're not alone. There were quite a few quotes I tabbed in it, though, and I'll be keeping it to flip through. I still prefer The Orphaned Adult by Alexander Levy, though, covering much the same topic but I seem to remember more explanations of how you'll be feeling and some specific suggestions to help. I read it immediately after dad died, though, so my memories are hazy.

"Every joyous celebration will now have a taste of bittersweet when we remember parents who are not here to share in our happiness."

"Within each of us, there grows a compendium of loss. Each death evokes renewed grieving for previous losses. The death of the last parent, in particular, often reactivates mourning for the first parent."

[Maricelam]

Helpful.

[Terry · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a good read. My Mom passed away recently. It's comforting to know there are lots of midlife orphans out there dealing with similar issues.

[Scott Holstad · Rating 3 out of 5]

I'm not sure how I feel about this book. My wife bought it for me because my father died three weeks ago today and she thought it might be helpful. And some of it was. But a great deal was not too.

The book is made up mostly of stories about midlife "orphans" who have lost their parents. Most seem to be Jewish, perhaps because the author is. The book centers on losing your last parent, although that wasn't immediately clear and because I just lost my first parent, it didn't resonate as much as it might at a later date. The stories are about relationships people had with their parents, their siblings, and their children. Things like inheritances are also brought up.

There were a few interesting passages. One states,

"Of all the relationships we experience, our relationship with our parents is the first significant one. Our earliest and most treasured memories begin with our mother and father. As the decades roll by, we create intimate connections with others and accumulate volumes of additional recollections but all the while we are building on that first relationship. Our parents' values and their experiences are tightly bound into our life's tapestry, tangled with threads that we weave for ourselves as our individual character evolves."

I'm an only child. The book does occasionally address only children. It states that generally, for instance, "only children do not have to worry about sharing an inheritance. But that doesn't mean an inheritance has less emotional impact for them. For many only children, the death of the last parent magnifies the degree of aloneness."

Speaking of inheritances, "some children become angry when they realize that their parents did not have to live as frugally as they did." I think I can relate to this sentiment. After seeing Dad's financial affairs, I now realize he and Mom could have taken some of the trips they dreamed of taking, but never did. Why did they hold back? It seems so unfair. They should have spoiled themselves. Now Mom doesn't have Dad to share such experiences with, and that's just cruel.

My primary complaint with the book is probably not shared by many people. The book focuses on sibling and child/parent relationships. I have no siblings and no children. Aside from my lovely wife, my mom and I are now alone in this world. When Mom goes, I'll have no one to fall back on. This is a terrifying prospect for me. The book never touches on this. I wish it would have. Also, the book doesn't offer many concrete suggestions for coping, although it does advocate saving sympathy cards one receives upon a parent's death. That's nice, but I could have used more. Instead, the book is made up largely of simple stories of people who lost their parents as middle aged children, and it doesn't go into much more depth than that. Oh well. It was a decent book, and I'm glad to know I'm (kind of) not the only one, but the book could have done and been more, and I'm sad that it wasn't. Three stars.

[Emily · Rating 4 out of 5]

I hope you don't have to read this. Sadly, I had occasion to, when I lost both my parents in my early 40s. While not every chapter was on point for me, I found it helpful and comforting. I haven't seen much else on this topic, so the book is much appreciated.

[Mich · Rating 3 out of 5]

interesting... views of others who are middle aged and losing parents, guess it helps work thru a few things

[Mary · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved it even though I cried most of the way through it. Beautifully written. Will probably read it again someday, though I hope not too soon.