Love Is Not Constantly Wondering If You Are Making the Biggest Mistake of Your Life

by Anonymous, Sarah Miller (Illustrator)

You are an ace starfighter pilot in the Galactic Space Force. Shot down over a mysterious planet, you have been taken captive by a race of giant, superintelligent ants. However, the story is actually about your relationship with a young woman named Anne, and your struggles to cope with her alcoholism. Only with the right choices will you be able to save your relationship and discover the secret of the Ant-Warriors!

Genres: Fiction, Novels, Science Fiction, Choose Your Own Adventure, Book Club

116 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2011

About the author

Books can be attributed to "Anonymous" for several reasons:

* They are officially published under that name
* They are traditional stories not attributed to a specific author
* They are religious texts not generally attributed to a specific author

Books whose authorship is merely uncertain should be attributed to Unknown.

See also: Anonymous

Reviews

[Jason Koivu · Rating 5 out of 5]

Thrills and chills! ZOOMIDDY ZOOOOM!!! Space chases! BLAMMO!!! Laser blasts! All this excitement and more is promised on the back of this book:

"You are an ace starfighter pilot in the Galactic Space Force. Shot down over a mysterious planet, you have been taken captive by a race of giant, super intelligent ants."

But soon enough you discover Love Is Not Constantly Wondering if You Are Making the Biggest Mistake of Your Life "...is actually about your relationship with a young woman named Anne, and your struggles to cope with her alcoholism." Wow. That's not your usual Choose Your Own Adventure (CYOA) book, where via second person narration you most often play the hero of some great adventure or mystery.

The text has nothing to do with sci-fi. It's about the relationship. The illustrations and your choices are written as if you were reading the sci-fi aspect of the story, but it's only a metaphor for the struggles of the main character author. It stays like that until the end when fiction and reality intermingle in a surreal nightmare.

Those of you who've been following my reviews (and I thank you for that) know that I'm a fan of the CYOA books. Have been since I was a kid and I still love going back to revisit the old books now and again. But I'm just as excited when I find a new CYOA [Who Killed John F. Kennedy? (Lose Your Own Adventure #1)], even if it's a parody or not exactly in keeping with the old school style.

This one uses the CYOA style, and seems to have a level of reverence for it, while not adhering to it entirely. Let me explain. With this one there are no page numbers, just dates upon which incidents happened...

You are bored so you decide to give Anne a call. She answers. You ask her what she is doing. She replies, "My roommate."

"Hey, wake up!"
"Mmph...wha...?"
And that was the moment Anne dropped the snake on your face.

It is three in the morning when the phone rings, and you answer to the sound of Anne sobbing hysterically. You can hear the sounds of a car. She says they are coming. She was at a party, and they are coming, and she is sorry. The line goes dead.

Unlike other CYOAs, reading this straight through from beginning to end is perfectly a-okay. Actually, it's probably the smart move if you want to understand the story in a linear fashion. Besides, half the time you're not given an action choice, but rather told to turn to such-and-such a date. When there is a choice given, quite often it is done to underline a point or express a darkly-humored truism as relates to the cyclical nature of the abusive relationship. Yes, believe it or not, humor does play a hand in this, perhaps as laughter is used in therapy.

There is more give-and-take to the relationship than the examples I gave above, creating a very telling memoir that does not show the author in the best of lights at all times. The writing is accomplished, providing a smooth read on an engrossing subject that draws the reader in, making you pull for these fucked up kids. Will they survive the dangerous rollercoaster ride or will it all go off the rails?

Right up until this very minute, I've been unsure whether to give this 4 or 5 stars. While it's not perfect, it did evoke a lot of emotion in me. Sure, that emotion came in the form of sadness, pity and disgust, but it was all very visceral. And it kept me on the edge of my seat, because disaster was around every corner. Yes, I was glorying in horrible accidents and intentional horribleness. Is that so wrong?

[Suzanne · Rating 5 out of 5]

An old boyfriend and I once spent the weekend in a town in the middle of nowhere for a friend's wedding. The reception had an open bar, and my boyfriend got very drunk. Afterward, we went back to the motel, where he drank all of the alcohol he'd brought with him on the trip. When it was all gone, he asked me to drive him to the liquor store to buy more. When I refused, he demanded that I give him the car keys so he could drive himself. I hid the car keys and spent the next few hours getting screamed at until he passed out. The next morning, he woke up not remembering any of it and asked where we were going for breakfast. That wasn't the first night like that, and it wasn't the last. But it's the one I've thought about the most over the years. I started imagining an alternate world in which I waited for him to pass out, then retrieved the car keys and put them on the bedside table with a note and then walked out the door. I found a Greyhound station and got on the next bus going anywhere. By the time he woke up I was long gone. I then spent the next few weeks making my way back home, not by any direct or efficient route and peacefully enjoying my freedom and solitude. I wish I were creative enough to have turned that thought experiment into something as cool and cathartic as this little genius of a book. I didn't know what it was when I bought it or when I started reading it, and at first I thought the choose-you-own-adventure options were just bizarre non sequiturs designed to lighten the heaviness of the story. As I realized how they fit into the story, I was amazed. What a brilliant creation this is.

[Catherine · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a really enjoyable fast read. Admittedly I did have anxiety dreams about my ex-boyfriend going on a six month heroin binge (which certainly never happened) after reading this late into the night-so I might suggest that for those who are emotionally susceptible save it for an afternoon's respite.

All that aside, I would recommend this little novella to anyone. It's the story of a young man's struggle in a relationship with an alcoholic, disguised as a choose your own adventure novel. An author's note at the beginning suggests you read straight through because the choices you make will have no impact on anything.

Read straight through "Love is Not Constantly..." reads like someone's diary: chronological entries describe meeting and falling in love with Anne, discovering her disease, and all that ensues. At the end of each entry you're told a date to turn to, or given a choice between two dates. Choices couched in sci-fi terminology invite you to flip back and forth, drawing allusions between terrible episodes of pissing-on-herself drunkenness and a magical first kiss, letting the reader in on that crazy logic that keeps you with someone who makes you unhappy. And that's where the genius of this novella lies.

Read from start to finish you might close the book wondering why it to the author, Zach (no last name), four-plus years to see that this girl wasn't going to change. But flipping back and forth you get an understanding for how his heart and mind played tricks on him, reminding him of good times when things got bad. Which is what we all do, I think.

[Jesse · Rating 3 out of 5]

The book is cleverly designed exactly the way a Choose Your Own Adventure would be, and attempts to use an Ant-Warrior Sci-Fi story as a metaphor for the destruction that codependence with an alcoholic creates. The story is short, enjoyable and fascinating if one chooses to follow the dates selected. It sends the reader back and forth on specific memories, building anxious tension about the ultimate end of the disastrous affair.


However, the book is terribly copy-edited, and several obvious grammar errors and punctuation problems point to requiring a second read-through before publication. Secondly, the metaphor is handled clumsily... the ant-warrior appears in one memory quite late in the book, and the transition of the sci-fi overlay into the reality comes off as dissatisfying and rushed. It's clear this writer has a long, illustrious career going for him, but first he should master the patience and dedication to editing and craft required to give justice to his otherwise captivating prose.


I read several passages out loud to my roommates, and was sad that it wasn't more thoroughly proofed before print.

[Inkdeathinbloom · Rating 5 out of 5]

I don't remember how I heard about this book, and getting hold of a copy was tricky- I think it had a small run and is out of print- but it was worth it. It's not very long, but its brevity was just right for trying to get at the rock and hard place the story was about, without ever falling into melodrama. The gimmick, that it's a choose-your-own-adventure, is perfect for the story-- as it is not in fact a choose-your-own-adventure book; this is the first lie-- and it's a metaphor for the situation that is all too fitting.

Sometimes, we find ourselves in sh!t situations and relationships- ones that are destructive and 100% destroying us. But because we love the person on the other side, we accept the circumstance. No, it's not great. But not being in it isn't really an option either, so.... the destruction continues. This isn't always dramatic; sometimes it's just hard. I'm not sure I've ever read a book that recognizes this without flying away into melodrama. This book nails it.

The story is about a guy who falls in love with a girl. At times, their relationship is great. Most of the time, she is an alcoholic who is actively self-destructing and self-sabotaging due to her own issues- which she refuses to deal with- and it's awful. Over a span of a few years, he tries to set boundaries, and she makes and breaks a thousand promises about the drinking. Yes, there is love there, and sometimes they are happy. But ultimately, it's not enough.

It's a terrible lesson, and the way the book (kind of ruthlessly) progresses in its matter-of-fact fashion, using the facade of the choose-your-own-adventure to occasionally pivot and give us one-sentence descriptors of an alien adventure which is steadily headed towards destruction, assures you that this isn't a romance novel. It's a retrospect on slippery slopes and all the promises and assurances you give to yourself which you know are lies, but believe anyway. It's feeling trapped in a situation and seeing no way out, not the least because you thought love was only ever good, and didn't know that it could trap you in a rat race where no one wins. It is the crushing end of what naivete you had left... but it's also coming out on the other side and being able to breathe again.

The book ends with the feeling that yes, maybe this was choose-your-own-adventure. That you can make choices; that despite how it feels, we are never truly helpless. That you made choices in the past-- not great ones-- and you can make different choices in the future. Ultimately, it ends optimistic for the future, and unwilling to erase the past in a single swipe of "it was bad," instead choosing to look at it in all its complexity; for what you've learned from it.

Needless to say, it was a surprise-- and clearly a book I had lots of connections to and feelings about! I would highly recommend it.

[Noelle · Rating 3 out of 5]

"You are an ace starfighter pilot in the Galactic Space Force. Shot down over a mysterious planet, you have been taken captive by a race of giant, superintelligent ants. However, the story is actually about your relationship with a young woman named Anne, and your struggles to cope with her alcoholism."

This tiny book is about the author's four year relationship with an alcoholic. It is structured as a Choose Your Own Adventure book, in short segments that often end by presenting the reader with a choice - "If you decide to wrestle the Ant-Mummy back into the tomb, turn to April 5, 2006...If you decide to push the Ant-Mummy into the torch and set his wrappings on fire, turn to November 13, 2005." Because of a warning at the beginning of the book that it would make the most sense if read from beginning to end, that's what I did. My three-star rating is arbitrary, because although I feel that the story could have been more effectively told, I really respect the author for sharing such an intimate story, in an incredibly honest way.

What I thought worked:
-By the end of the story, I felt that I had a clear sense of Anne's struggle with alcoholism - although she makes a series of horrible choices that are destructive both to her and those around her, I understood that she was fighting with something huge in herself - "Please understand that I am. With my heart. Trying to figure out how to live without alcohol...It's not stupidity. It's not selfishness. It is a disease."
-To some degree, I liked the Not a Choose Your Own Adventure idea. It's what drew me to the book in the first place, and it's a unique way of illustrating that an alcoholic relationship is a series of choices that end in the same place. The short segments worked well, and the illustrations were pretty entertaining.

What didn't work for me:
-Throughout the book, I could not wrap my head around why the author stayed in a relationship that was horrible from the beginning. My point isn't that he should or shouldn't have acted differently - just that I would have liked to see a deeper exploration of his codependency.
-Ultimately, I don't think the Choose Your Own Adventure concept added to the story, and I found it distracting in a lot of places. In an interview, (http://www.oregonlive.com/books/index...), the author said that he chose the format to work with his limited writing skills. I think he didn't give himself enough credit - it's a very compelling story that I think would stand up on its own merits, without the gimmicky overlay.

Other things by the author, that I would love to read:
http://miamiyouvegotstyle.com/
http://readingfrenzy.com/shoppe/?sear...

[Evan]

"You are at the coffee shop with Anne. It is your first date. She orders a quadruple espresso poured into a cup half full with cold water. She drains it in one gulp. You are simultaneously disgusted and aroused...She is fascinating, not necessarily for her answers, but for how she talks. It is all riddle and allusion and metaphor. Listening to her is like trying to decipher an unholy amalgam of Tori Amos and Muhammad Ali. You like her. You're probably too different for this not to explode into a fiery mess after a few weeks, but you like her."

[Isaac · Rating 5 out of 5]

Found this very randomly in a thrift store and very grateful for it. Quirky methodology, realistic story. A perspective that feels familiar but not cliched, just stressfully realistic. It's honest, and told in a slightly silly way, and I'm charmed. And it's not just to be quirky- the format of a choose your own adventure (a novel written effortlessly and convincingly in the second person!) has you flipping back and forth, remembering and paralleling the good times with the bad, thinking you have a choice to just end things at any moment (though of course you don't), all of it feels just like being in a bad relationship .Or one where you want to end things but keep talking yourself out of it. Or feels like how being in this relationship must feel. Ouch. This is certainly a gimmicky way to write a story but it's perfect and meaningful and never felt quite as tedious as I expected.

[Hein Matthew Hattie]

"You are very cold, and this feels like an adventure."

[Kari · Rating 4 out of 5]

Inventive. The framing as choices that inevitably lead to same end is interesting way to tell this story about impact of alcoholism on a relationship. When I re-read straight through I caught some details that I hadn’t encountered when following the ant warrior story. In a weird way though, reminded me of Fleishman Is In Trouble and I see glimpses of how this story could be quite different if told from Anne’s perspective.

[Katie Voss · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was intrigued by the cover, of course. I cannot resist choose-your-own-adventure books... even though this isn't one. The cover was just the teaser, and the description got me hooked. Every part of this was heartbreaking and beautiful. A wonderfully broken look into the life of someone who loves an addict.

[Amanda L · Rating 2 out of 5]

Anonymous is truly gifted.

Hilarious (if in title alone)! Apparently it's some weird flavor of 'choose your own adventure' though self-proclaims NOT A CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE in the conclusion of the back-cover blurb. My now sister-in-law had the gumption to stuff this hodge podge of oddities into her HAPPY WEDDING CARD to us. Pure genius. It's nothing less than a masterpiece, and the gesture is up there with only the most memorable.

There's an unyielding impression throughout of a supposed subtext related to an alien "Ant-Warrior" species and you are urged to choose your next time travel in response to whatever the Ant-Warriors are doing at the moment. Funny thing is there is no description of the means of time travel whatsoever and the Ant-Warriors actually only positively make an appearance (and in one that is totally befuddling) on the second-to-last page of the story, aside from the goofy illustrations littered throughout. Hello, non-sequitur. Here's a quoted example of how they keep attempting to permeate the story (or at least your psyche):

"If you help the cavemen fight against the ants, turn to October 4, 2003."

"If you don't want to get involved and choose to flee back through the time vortex, turn to August 2, 2004."

I feel it imperative to iterate that there were neither cavemen nor ants nor time vortexes in this story.

[...]

"If you tell the other captives to follow you into the cave of Ant-Warrior nutrient pools, turn to August 18, 2006."

"If you would rather have them follow you into the hall of discarded carapaces, turn to December 8, 2005."

Again, the text neither otherwise addresses captives, Ant-Warriors, nutrient pools or discarded carapaces. Though props for getting me to look up and memorize what a carapace is.

Contrary to these impressions, basically all the story is about is the tumult of a relationship between an alcoholic musician and her non-alcoholic and incessantly supportive -- to the brink of insanity -- boyfriend, all in a delightfully jumbled out-of-sequential-order mess.

Hence, Love Is: Not Constantly Wondering If You Are Making The Biggest Mistake Of Your Life.

A mantra I greatly prefer to "Never Having To Say You're Sorry."




And I have a confession to make: I did not skip around according to the Ant-Warriors propositions. Sorry, Anonymous. Though your book was still thoroughly enjoyed.

[Ryan Hatfield · Rating 4 out of 5]

Love Is Not Constantly Wondering If You Are Making the Biggest Mistake of Your Life. That's a fact. And this is a fact: I enjoyed this book. It was a quick interesting read in the format of a "Choose Your Own Adventure" book, aptly labeled "not a choose your own adventure" (possibly so it does not get in any sort of copyright trouble?). While on the surface, this book presents as a starfaring adventure about a pilot fighting through a planet of ant-warriors, the narrative focuses solely on a multiyear romantic relationship the protagonist has with an alcoholic.

The premise and format were immediately intriguing to me. The format and juxtaposition between the actual narrative, the alien illustrations, and the bizarre sci-fi choices to make were my favorite elements of the book. To me, these simultaneously acted as a metaphor for what happened in the central relationship and as an escape from the reality of our main character. It also brought some levity to the darker moments of this story. However, I do wish the sci-fi narrative and the reality of the relationship started to invade each other sooner and more often, even if it was more subtle. Who knows, maybe if I return to this short read, I will pick up on some more of those details!

As for the central story, a toxic and tragic love story between the narrator and Anne, I found it engaging, heartbreaking, a little Tumblr-core, and (unfortunately for me) familiar (kill me). Despite the Anne's substance abuse and promises, the narrator keeps giving her chances, further entrenching himself into her life. It asks difficult questions, like can I change this person? Will my support be enough? Can I love them enough for their bad habit to stop? The answer to those questions is usually "no." Living with and loving somebody who abuses substances is a difficult trek, and there are no easy answers for how navigate it or when to give up, or if ever can give up. Relating to the title, it begins to ask what are love's limits. There are ways to beat addiction, but the main character tragically thinks he can be the sole thing to save her. This is linked to the sci-fi story with choices like, will you fight the horrific ant monster from hell or will you give up your laser blaster and surrender? Again, interesting juxtaposition.

Anne is a little bit of a manic pixie dream girl, but that's chill. This was written in 2011 and takes place in the early 2000s, the golden age of the archetype. The main character is kind of a gigantic nerd who makes Simpsons references at inopportune times. So, yeah, I related to this book. It was a fun but unsettling ride. It ends a bit abruptly in a sightly unsatisfying way, but that's probably the point. This book was written anonymously, but I bet it was probably that one guy who cried during Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind in theaters.

[Kate Laws · Rating 4 out of 5]

Clever book! Very well executed. This little book takes the form of a choose your own adventure story, even though it's really meant to be read straight through. It tells the story of a couple, one of whom is a severe alcoholic, but at the bottom of the pages are snippets of a different story about intergalactic ant warriors. Hard to describe how somehow these elements dovetail perfectly.

[Caitlyn Parente · Rating 3 out of 5]

Kate has been passing a (rare) copy of this around on the AE, and I have never read anything like it. I really hope I come across a copy in a few years and remember this weird little book. It’s written like a CYOA, but it’s totally not (and it tells you that up front). It’s honestly heartbreaking with very bizarre metaphors to unpack and lots to think about regarding alcoholism affecting someone you love.

[Nathan Carson · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is packaged like a CYOA but doesn't really operate like one. Nonetheless, it's well-written, legitimately humorous, and filled with northwestern dread.

[Pia · Rating 5 out of 5]

What an unexpected gem of a book. Seriously. I found this at my work on display with the other books we market as “weird” on display, but I was pleasantly surprised. Hard to describe this book other than saying it’s hilarious and devastating at the same time.

[MilwaukeeWoman · Rating 4 out of 5]

It was a lightning-quick read, having few details about anything. We get through this whole book without knowing what either of the characters look like or any meaningful detail about the setting. The most described setting for any part of the book was a car. What it is is a running list of dates and drunkenness interspersed with brief moments of sobriety. I'm not sure that the book loses anything by being so light on descriptions of the people or places. It seems something would have to go in order to fit it into the format of a mock choose-your-own-adventure story. And what is most important was the alcoholism. The rest of the details get no focus, because in that sort of situation all that matters is if the alcoholic is drinking or not.

As I was reading it didn't take very long before I hoped that he would leave her, though it was pretty clear that the central question of the book that would be resolved would be whether he leaves her or if she leaves him. Either way it was bound to be depressing, and it was. The ending, without giving it away, was sparse, and sad, and real.

I expected to be more distracted by the format, but it wasn't distracting at all once I got comfortable with the instructions on the bottom of the page being just a commentary on the futility of the whole relationship. That one day could be swapped out for another - that it didn't matter which day you viewed, they were all futile. The more detailed choice questions on some of the pages, i.e. "if you choose to do x then turn to date y" type questions that talked about the ant-warriors (which were never part of the story) were a clever way to comment about the passage the preceded it, in an indirect way. And it didn't matter. You were going to bang your head into the same wall for four years. The Ant-Warrior theme was a fantasy of disassociation.

Overall, it was a worthwhile, quick read.

[Ilana Jaffe-Lewis · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book hugs you and says, "I know". Well written, creatively presented. And a Quick read, too.

[Taylor Krabiel · Rating 4 out of 5]

I picked this book up at a comic book store because I was in an old fashion space adventure shoot them up mood. I am no longer in that mood. Is that good? Yes, but no my mood is not good. It is somber.
I love the band The Mountain Goats. Their songs are catchy but when you get down to what they are really about every song leaves you somber and wanting to hug the closest loved one to you. This book is a Mountain Goat song personified in literary form.

I came on her to try and figure out if there is a correlation between the ANTS and the story of alcoholism. Maybe there was some secret I was not getting like "read every 5 words" but I do not think that way any more. I think the author was showing what its like to live with an alcoholic that the adventure from the out side looks interesting, fun, and that you have a choice and power of where you go. Ultimately you actually don't. The author couldn't choose Anne next step, and he especially could not put his finger on the page figure out what happens and flip back to it.


(SPOILER)
I do have one question. Is she dead or did she quit? I want to hope she quit and is living a happy life but I honestly deep down do not think that is true.

[Ryan Mishap · Rating 3 out of 5]

The reader is warned that every choice leads to the same outcome so one might as well read straight through. What kind of fun is that for a choose your own adventure you might ask? Ah, but this is memoir not fiction and relationships with alcoholics rarely vary from tragic endings.

The science fiction flourishes are apt symbols for the highs and lows of the author's relationship and the format is sharply symbolic itself as he tries to choose what actions and words will get her to stop being out of control, save their relationship, or change the situation. Without the conceit of the adventure this would be a duller read. As it is, the concept as a whole does what art is supposed to: provide the space for the details of our lives to be examinable. 3.5 stars.

[Rich · Rating 4 out of 5]

A fun, easy read. The author/protagonist is a little pompous and cold and self-involved, but tolerable. On his girlfriend: we all know people like Anne. They're our friends (because they are exciting friends!), our family, but they really shouldn't be our lovers -- too painful. This guy seemed to miss the warning signs early and often. Some people are afraid of being alone and will stay in obviously mismatched relationships. I went through that stage late in life, late 20's and early 30's. The author got it over early, starting at 23. The epilogue redeems him a bit, showing a continuing tenderness for Anne. It made me realize I wish the best for my two Anne-type relationship partners too. It's a weird mutual self-deception that makes these type of relationships last as long as they do.

[Jonathan Byrd · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is an intriguing and informative look into the world of alcoholism in the world of the late 2000's. While the 'Choose Your Own Adventure' aspect of the story is extremely small and not nearly as important to the plot as I would have imagined, I still enjoyed this book very much. I would recommend this to people in their 20's, or early 30's, or anyone who has experienced pain from someone they loved who was/is an alcoholic.

[Yasmin · Rating 4 out of 5]

I took the author's advice in the intro and (mostly) just read it from beginning to end. An intimate look at a disastrous relationship with an alcoholic. At a reading he gave, the author recommended you write about the most horrible experience of your life and make it funny and inappropriate--that's basically what he's accomplished.

[Taylor Griggs · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a good short story and i think playing with form is a cool way to write creative non-fiction but I’m not sure exactly how to go about it in my writing. In The Dream House is another good example and Leslie Jamison does it too

[Michael]

At times heartbreaking, but consistently genuine and gimmicky. All around pluses for me.

[Emilio · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was . . . surprisingly good. I bought it as an ironic nostalgia item - I loved the Choose Your Own Adventure books as a kid, and it was fun seeing an adult rip-off so blatant that only the artist can safely take credit.

When I read it over the last few days, though, I found a surprisingly nuanced story of what it's like to live with an alcoholic. It feels closely based on real experience, which could be another reason the writer doesn't want to take credit. It's a brilliant concept for a book that bills itself as "Not a Choose Your Own Adventure," since the choice here is limited and most of the story is not an adventure in any positive sense. The Choose-Your-Own-Adventure-style cross-references at the bottom of the page also do interesting things in context: sometimes they simply hint at looking back or forward to similar events that keep recurring, and other times they point toward a mythic parallel plot in which experiences in the "real" world are reimagined as you fighting against a planet of Ant-Warriors. It's cleverly done, and brings out dynamics in the story that come across a bit differently because of the sci-fi overlay.

This book is a short, quick read, but not the disposable one you would assume from the packaging. I think moments from this book will be staying with me a long time, and I hope you will pick it up to discover some of them for yourself.

[Ramon · Rating 3 out of 5]

I'd read this before, closer to its initial release, after finding it on the zine/indie publishing rack at Powell's. The design was appealing and the format was interesting, and all told, there's maybe 60-90 minutes of book here.

This is an intensely personal story of a person navigating a romantic relationship with a serious alcoholic. The book covers a few years of his life, all told in second person, which can be very difficult to pull off, but it's effective here. There's something about being forced to be in someone's position that really drives home how awful this experience is.

This time, I needed something short, something that could hopefully kickstart my reading habits, something I could slide in my pocket as I went for a walk around a neighborhood. I ended up finishing it at Fx, and the bartender was interested in it. I told her what it was and where she could find it, then simply took it out of my bag and gave it to her. I had read it already, after all, and it was just going to go back on my shelf. At least now it will be read again, and hopefully passed along even further.

[Tadgh · Rating 5 out of 5]

My review is ouch! owwie! oh god oh boy owwie ouch!!!

Anyway here's the passage that I'll be thinking about for the rest of my life:

February 12, 2004
When you were young a teacher told you that every time you ripped a leaf off a tree or tore a flower from the ground, it was like putting another nail in Jesus on the cross. It made you wonder about the state of Jesus after all these years. Two thousand years is a lot of nails. How much damage can an immortal body stand? What sort of repercussions to the system do those thousands and thousands of nails have? If he has taken that many then it seems reasonable that there should be no limit to how many he can bear.

You have started to think of her drinking as something like tearing the leaves off trees: every time she goes and gets drunk it puts another nail into the crucified body of your relationship. None of them pierce vital organs but the number keeps building. You wonder what happens when there is nothing left. What happens when the body of the relationship is just nails all the way down?

[Lillian Lippold · Rating 4 out of 5]

The cover and summary of this book can be deceiving. It is presented as a Choose Your Own Adventure, and thus, my initial perceptions assumed it would have that general vibe. I was very incorrect in that regard.

This book sent chills up and down my spine. Had me rereading sections and taking pictures of pages for later. Left me needing someone to hold my hand and double checking the time to see how soon I would see my s/o again. It is painful. And it is truthful. I didn’t think it would be. In its simplicity, it tells me absolutely everything in just a few words. I read this book in thirty minutes. It will stick with me for the rest of the day.

My only criticisms come in the overall format of the book. I did not in the SLIGHTEST understand the whole “ant warriors” counter-plot. The words at the bottom were so confusing to the point that I just started ignoring them. The book as a whole was lovely. I just think the specifics maybe could have used a bit more tweaking.