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The Nerd's Guide to Being Confident
Everyone knows confidence when they see it; but seemingly no one can actually describe what goes into it or how to get it. The Nerd's Guide to Being Confident is an unconventional way of looking at one of the most basic and obvious human traits and what one can do to gain a little more of it without feeling like a phony. Laughter included.
2 pages, Audible Audio
First published July 23, 2013
27 people are currently reading
3305 people want to read
About the author
Mark Manson
79 books18.4k followersMark Manson (born 1984) is a professional blogger, entrepreneur, and former dating coach. Since 2007, he's been helping people with their emotional and relationship problems. He has worked with thousands of people from over 30 different countries.
He regularly writes and updates his blog at: www.markmanson.net
He regularly writes and updates his blog at: www.markmanson.net
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 81 reviews
August 27, 2016
It's not a good sign when I call it quits in the middle of a 2 hour audiobook that I'm listening to at 2x speed while cleaning the house... In other words, this was background chatter, and it was such annoying bullshit that actually made me delay my next load of laundry just so I could turn it off, "review" it, and put something else on.
This is half "He's Just Not That Into You"/ half "Be The Best You Can Be"/ half pseudo-intellectualism/ three-quarters self-absorbed bullshit/ zero to do with nerddom. I know that the math is wrong there. But believe me, it fits. This "book" goes from telling you to be grateful for what you have, find the things in your life that are good and then be thankful for them, and let people know that you are, because it will be rewarding in its own right and you'll be happier for it, to telling you to be miserable, find all the shit things in the world and make yourself purposely miserable about them so that other people will want to make you feel better, and will try to pick you up and help you out. This book goes from saying "believe in your abilities because they are greater than you give yourself credit for" to "You have abilities, but they require work, so fuck it, be a miserable little bitch and let other people shove confidence down your throat in an effort to make you a functioning human again."
This book doesn't even know what it's trying to be. Seriously, is this book giving "BE MISERABLE" as advice in how to be confident? That's about the time that I gave up on this shit. Though I started furrowing my brow and giving my phone the stink-eye when in the space of 5 minutes the author threw the phrase "I don't/won't tolerate _____" out there 8 dozen times, each time sounding more and more like a self-important asshole.
Short version: You're not confident because you don't stick to your "personal values" and therefore you tolerate bullshit [that he doesn't tolerate, because he's better than you].
Well kudos to you, Mark Manson. You've converted this girl! I took your expert advice and I no longer tolerate bullshit. That's why I stopped listening to your bullshit book.
This is half "He's Just Not That Into You"/ half "Be The Best You Can Be"/ half pseudo-intellectualism/ three-quarters self-absorbed bullshit/ zero to do with nerddom. I know that the math is wrong there. But believe me, it fits. This "book" goes from telling you to be grateful for what you have, find the things in your life that are good and then be thankful for them, and let people know that you are, because it will be rewarding in its own right and you'll be happier for it, to telling you to be miserable, find all the shit things in the world and make yourself purposely miserable about them so that other people will want to make you feel better, and will try to pick you up and help you out. This book goes from saying "believe in your abilities because they are greater than you give yourself credit for" to "You have abilities, but they require work, so fuck it, be a miserable little bitch and let other people shove confidence down your throat in an effort to make you a functioning human again."
This book doesn't even know what it's trying to be. Seriously, is this book giving "BE MISERABLE" as advice in how to be confident? That's about the time that I gave up on this shit. Though I started furrowing my brow and giving my phone the stink-eye when in the space of 5 minutes the author threw the phrase "I don't/won't tolerate _____" out there 8 dozen times, each time sounding more and more like a self-important asshole.
Short version: You're not confident because you don't stick to your "personal values" and therefore you tolerate bullshit [that he doesn't tolerate, because he's better than you].
Well kudos to you, Mark Manson. You've converted this girl! I took your expert advice and I no longer tolerate bullshit. That's why I stopped listening to your bullshit book.
February 25, 2014
Super lame. It was all bad dating advice. It was really gendered, it spoke only from a straight male perspective and had nothing to do with being a nerd. It was pretty misogynistic and most of the advice was to hold others up to an unforgiving and insane standard while forgiving bullshit behaviour in yourself. It was free from audible and I still feel like I should call in to return it so that it isn't in my library.
February 16, 2014
This was a free download from Audible, and it was barely worth that. It should have been titled "The Nerd's Guide to Being a Selfish, Misogynistic _________." You can fill in the blank with your own expletive; the author has given you plenty to choose from. "Don't make time for anyone who will not make time for you?" That isn't confidence; that's self-absorption. The section where he writes, "Instead of worrying about whether or not you are listening to her, pay attention to how interested she seems to be in your stories." Really? And Audible made this a free gift on Valentine's Day? There was a smattering of useful tidbits in the 2 hour listen, and the last section, where the author poetically imagines everyone on Ipanema Beach wishing they had something that everyone else has, while the figure of Jesus looks down from the mountain and loves all redeemed some of it. But its a little like going through a cow pasture with a metal detector: You may find something of value, but you gotta step through a whole lot of crap to get to it.
February 21, 2014
Not a guide. Not for nerds. Not anything useful at all. I tried to give it a fair shake, but the expletives in a self-help book and the male ego-centric focus made it a complete waste of my time.
** It was a freebie from Audible. You get what you pay for?
** It was a freebie from Audible. You get what you pay for?
April 17, 2020
Άσε μας ρε Μαρκ που έγινες και λάιφ κόουτς! Εμένα πιο πολύ για Αμερικάνος Coelho μου κάνεις.
March 21, 2014
Genre: Pop-Psychology
I liked this short piece enough that I turned around and re-listend too it taking notes as if it were a class! Many of the ideas he presents I'd run into before in other psychology books, but Manson presents them in amusing and easy to understand and apply formats, with a very "you can do this" attitude towards improving confidence. Not that I (or he) makes the mistake of thinking it's EASY to apply his methods, it's just straightforward to do so.
The highlights:
1) Stop complaining and be grateful
2) Limiting beliefs prevent you from even trying, so Manson gives a guide for how to break free of limiting beliefs
3) Define concrete values and stick to them
4) In an amusing fit of reverse psychology Manson makes the argument "Be Miserable" which is quite straightforward to reverse
5) Use the Zen theory of 2 minds (thinking and observing mind) to disassociate from strong negative thoughts and emotions (again, Manson gives a guide for how to do so)
6) Theory of MetaAwesomeness (you're going to have to read it to grok this, but it's cool)
7) How to stop lying to yourself using "The Why Game" (think 2-year old constantly asking why, except pointed at your own internal reasoning)
8) Diversify your identity
9) EVERYONE envies other people and wishes for what they don't have
I liked this short piece enough that I turned around and re-listend too it taking notes as if it were a class! Many of the ideas he presents I'd run into before in other psychology books, but Manson presents them in amusing and easy to understand and apply formats, with a very "you can do this" attitude towards improving confidence. Not that I (or he) makes the mistake of thinking it's EASY to apply his methods, it's just straightforward to do so.
The highlights:
1) Stop complaining and be grateful
2) Limiting beliefs prevent you from even trying, so Manson gives a guide for how to break free of limiting beliefs
3) Define concrete values and stick to them
4) In an amusing fit of reverse psychology Manson makes the argument "Be Miserable" which is quite straightforward to reverse
5) Use the Zen theory of 2 minds (thinking and observing mind) to disassociate from strong negative thoughts and emotions (again, Manson gives a guide for how to do so)
6) Theory of MetaAwesomeness (you're going to have to read it to grok this, but it's cool)
7) How to stop lying to yourself using "The Why Game" (think 2-year old constantly asking why, except pointed at your own internal reasoning)
8) Diversify your identity
9) EVERYONE envies other people and wishes for what they don't have
June 16, 2017
Oh, thank goodness – this was a free download. I worried about my sanity there for a minute.
Apparently, in Mark Manson’s world, you can only be a “nerd” if you’re male.
Apparently, in Mark Manson’s world, a big part of “confident” means “feeling able to pick up hot girls”.
Apparently, in Mark Manson’s world, giving advice means putting down all the other guides out there, and then proceeding to follow precisely in their footsteps.
To the privileged whiny twenty-something white male who is apparently his target audience, Manson recommends practicing gratitude. I’m worlds away from his target audience, but I’m going to follow his advice right now: I am grateful that I didn’t pay anything for this audiobook, because it’s two months past the time I would have been allowed to return it for a refund.
Gosh. I feel all warm and fuzzy.
Apparently, in Mark Manson’s world, you can only be a “nerd” if you’re male.
Apparently, in Mark Manson’s world, a big part of “confident” means “feeling able to pick up hot girls”.
Apparently, in Mark Manson’s world, giving advice means putting down all the other guides out there, and then proceeding to follow precisely in their footsteps.
To the privileged whiny twenty-something white male who is apparently his target audience, Manson recommends practicing gratitude. I’m worlds away from his target audience, but I’m going to follow his advice right now: I am grateful that I didn’t pay anything for this audiobook, because it’s two months past the time I would have been allowed to return it for a refund.
Gosh. I feel all warm and fuzzy.
March 14, 2014
Good think I didn't have to pay for this book. Audible needs to give away better audiobooks. Nothing to be learned here and lots of unnecessary vulgar languate.
August 21, 2017
This has been sitting in my Audible for three years, so I thought I should finally listen to it. And. Um. The title isn't accurate. It should be called "The Insecure White Man's Guide to Being Confident/Arrogant." I didn't find a lot to enjoy. It wasn't funny. It wasn't enlightening. It didn't really take lady nerds into account at all - and I consider myself particularly nerdy, so that didn't sit well. I just wasn't into it. I probably won't read anything else by this author/writer.
March 4, 2014
I'm not normally a reader of self-help books, but this one was a freebie from audible. I wouldn't say that it's particularly geared towards "nerds". Really, the author's main audience seems to be young men who want more romance and/or sex in their lives, but have self-esteem issues that confound them when it comes to relationships.
Which, quite frankly, was me in my 20s. Viewed in that light, the advice here is a little crassly written, but wrapped around a solid core of time-tested self-help principles.
Basically:
Stop making excuses
Don't be afraid to open up to others about your weaknesses
Stop judging yourself by other people's values; yours are what matter
Accept responsibility for your actions and admit your mistakes
Be a diverse person; don’t put all your emotional eggs in one basket
The 24-year-old me had growing to do in all these departments, so I can't disagree with the value of such insights, though people who really need to improve their self-confidence might do better with a meatier book on the topic (or, for that matter, with professional therapy). For everyone else, if you don't mind the dudebro presentation, this one's a quick read and might provide a helpful booster shot of tough love.
Which, quite frankly, was me in my 20s. Viewed in that light, the advice here is a little crassly written, but wrapped around a solid core of time-tested self-help principles.
Basically:
Stop making excuses
Don't be afraid to open up to others about your weaknesses
Stop judging yourself by other people's values; yours are what matter
Accept responsibility for your actions and admit your mistakes
Be a diverse person; don’t put all your emotional eggs in one basket
The 24-year-old me had growing to do in all these departments, so I can't disagree with the value of such insights, though people who really need to improve their self-confidence might do better with a meatier book on the topic (or, for that matter, with professional therapy). For everyone else, if you don't mind the dudebro presentation, this one's a quick read and might provide a helpful booster shot of tough love.
August 22, 2014
So. I mostly liked this book. The feminist in me says I shouldn't. The laid-back Sagittarian side of me (rising), all raunchy sense of humor and appreciation for direct speech, enjoyed it.
Criticisms: There are plenty of sexist remarks, simplifications born of privilege, and heteronormative assumptions made here. The intended audience seems to be Millennial guys; situations and examples from a female (cis, het, middle-class) perspective are seemingly mentioned only as an aside, as if the author doesn't really believe women will be reading this. It's fair enough to focus on the audience you want to focus on, but maybe make that more apparent in the title or blurb. (As far as I know, women are nerds, too.)
If you can put those aside for the brief amount of time you'll be listening to/reading this book--and don't mind a run of good expletives once on a while, which I don't--there are some funny stories and enlightening bits here. Self-awareness, healthy boundaries, heck even (very basic) Buddhism makes it in.
And now I'm off to go re-read that article about liking problematic things.
Criticisms: There are plenty of sexist remarks, simplifications born of privilege, and heteronormative assumptions made here. The intended audience seems to be Millennial guys; situations and examples from a female (cis, het, middle-class) perspective are seemingly mentioned only as an aside, as if the author doesn't really believe women will be reading this. It's fair enough to focus on the audience you want to focus on, but maybe make that more apparent in the title or blurb. (As far as I know, women are nerds, too.)
If you can put those aside for the brief amount of time you'll be listening to/reading this book--and don't mind a run of good expletives once on a while, which I don't--there are some funny stories and enlightening bits here. Self-awareness, healthy boundaries, heck even (very basic) Buddhism makes it in.
And now I'm off to go re-read that article about liking problematic things.
May 14, 2014
I think the audio book narration suited the content very well. However, I absolutely didn't expect the f-bombs and other profanity in a self-help book. An autobiography, comedy, or fiction... perhaps, but not with this. I identify as a nerd, but I'm less likely to identify with this book than might a 20-something male with socialization issues.
In short, you can absolutely get nuggets of value from this book, but you have to shift through a bit of angst-y window dressing to get there.
In short, you can absolutely get nuggets of value from this book, but you have to shift through a bit of angst-y window dressing to get there.
April 2, 2014
I suppose you do get what you pay for. I got this audio book for free, and it was probably worth less than that for me. The crude, caustic presentation took away quite a bit from the grain of useful information here. That bit of information might help some people (though it was not news to me), but I think it would be mitigated if not entirely overcome by the terrible attitude of the author (and the narrator sounds sleazy, as well). It's incredibly sexist, and has a terrible attitude towards other people, treating them as objects. It's only at the end of the book that we discover why. The author is a pick up artist (or former pick up artist), who treats relationships as transactional, and appears not to have much of a sense of empathy. I also don't really see how this relates to being a nerd. I guess he thought nerd meant someone with poor self-esteem. I think the best thing about this book is that it was not terribly long.
December 4, 2014
Nothing to do with nerds. Very little to do with building confidence. Wow… someone in Manson’s Certificate of Marketing course should’ve taught him the dangers of making misleading claims.
Here’s a more accurate title: “Recycled Self Help Drivel: Copy Pasted from my Boring Blog”.
Here’s a more accurate title: “Recycled Self Help Drivel: Copy Pasted from my Boring Blog”.
December 19, 2017
I think people will have widely differing reactions to this book. On the whole good advice but more focused on having sex than I would choose for a twenty-something nerd who lacks self-confidence. But parts are quite helpful. Definitely more for guys than for women.
April 26, 2019
I think people are reading too much into the relationship aspect. However, I enjoyed it. I am one of the people who enjoy being single and the idea of NEEDING a relationship to be happy is super annoying. I didn't think they shoved that down my throat reading it. Love it.
September 17, 2016
Pretty awful. Maybe slightly useful to men in their early 20's if they don't take the dating advice too seriously. Way too much about the author's sex life.
October 9, 2019
Caution, mild spoilers ahead.
A 2*
“Being open with your insecurities paradoxically makes you more confident and charismatic around others. The pain of honest confrontation is what generates the greatest trust and respect in your relationships. Suffering through your fears and anxieties is what allows you to build courage and perseverance.”
This book was by far the earliest of the books I read by Mark Manson. And the first one I didn’t like.
What I liked about both The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck and Everything is Fucked, is the snarky way Mark Manson gives his advices, infused with his own experiences and backed up by the statistical data behind. In The Nerd’s Guide to Being Confident, there was less humor to it, the arguments less developed.
The book itself was much shorter. And maybe that is the reason why there was less complexity to it.
The advices that Mark Manson gives are easy to apply to those who feel that they could get easily be swallowed by the modern world. But the tips given are less useful than those that appeared The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck and Everything is Fucked.
But one of the most important points and it is mentioned in all Mark Manson’s books is this “You can do this” attitude that never fails and that mark Manson preaches. And I think this is a thing that we forget most of the time. That no matter what others think, no matter what life throws at us, we can do this. We just need a reminder from time to time. Even if it comes in the form of a bad book.
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A 2*
“Being open with your insecurities paradoxically makes you more confident and charismatic around others. The pain of honest confrontation is what generates the greatest trust and respect in your relationships. Suffering through your fears and anxieties is what allows you to build courage and perseverance.”
This book was by far the earliest of the books I read by Mark Manson. And the first one I didn’t like.
What I liked about both The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck and Everything is Fucked, is the snarky way Mark Manson gives his advices, infused with his own experiences and backed up by the statistical data behind. In The Nerd’s Guide to Being Confident, there was less humor to it, the arguments less developed.
The book itself was much shorter. And maybe that is the reason why there was less complexity to it.
The advices that Mark Manson gives are easy to apply to those who feel that they could get easily be swallowed by the modern world. But the tips given are less useful than those that appeared The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck and Everything is Fucked.
But one of the most important points and it is mentioned in all Mark Manson’s books is this “You can do this” attitude that never fails and that mark Manson preaches. And I think this is a thing that we forget most of the time. That no matter what others think, no matter what life throws at us, we can do this. We just need a reminder from time to time. Even if it comes in the form of a bad book.
Blog | Facebook | Twitter | Pinterest
December 20, 2017
Honestly I would have given it a 4 star but it only showed one side to the story. Not going to lie, it did go well at the beginning, it gave some good examples of why you should "shut up and be grateful" and like the "elephant tied to the rope", but at the middle of the book, it did not go so well. It did not make sense anymore, but it could be me that I have not lived long enough to experience what the author is talking about. But over all, this book is great, you can learn somethings in this book. If I had to recommend this book, I would recommend this book to young male teens, because it is based on a males perspective.
July 9, 2025
The book told me to not tolerate BS, so I followed that instruction and stopped reading.
Nothing to do with Nerds, the author instead comes across as one of those “alpha males” whose own ego and sense and self importance far outweighs his own character.
It is contradictory pseudo physiological advice, from someone that should be ignored.
AVOID.
I wouldn’t normally be so critical of any author, but this guy deserves even harsher criticism than I can muster.
Nothing to do with Nerds, the author instead comes across as one of those “alpha males” whose own ego and sense and self importance far outweighs his own character.
It is contradictory pseudo physiological advice, from someone that should be ignored.
AVOID.
I wouldn’t normally be so critical of any author, but this guy deserves even harsher criticism than I can muster.
January 28, 2022
The advice in this book isn’t terrible (you can find better examples other places), but every single example presented seems like it’s written for an audience of incels - which, I dunno, maybe it is. But it’s gross, and it’s especially bizarre that a lot of the assumptions he implies the audience might be struggling with have a LOT to do with race.
November 20, 2019
I totally get some of the reviews written here. There are few things to pick up from the book but the rest just seems too random, out of the place and forced. The best part comes at the beginning, somewhere in the middle it gets sidetracked.
May 20, 2019
There are some good points in the book, however the book is quite negative written
August 22, 2019
Audible Book
added notes to note
added notes to note
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
December 21, 2021
Rather a cute little book.
June 26, 2023
I wanted to.like this but found nothing humorous as the description predicted. An extra star for the attempt.
April 15, 2024
I got this Audible book on a whim: it was a Daily Deal. This guy has a blog and he says some very smart things. I should read more self-help stuff.
April 1, 2014
This book was a free download, I didn't find it worth even that. If you pay for it you can earn that money back, but the little time invested in listening to this book (even if you don't finish it like many others), that'll be gone.
There are tons of other great, classic books to help someone actually looking to genuinely build confidence, this book is not one of them.
Though there are some basic, sound ideas within, trying to feed your mind with those ideas is like trying to feed your body vegetables by eating a triple stack bacon cheeseburger with a piece of lettuce inside.
It's peculiar that a 'self help' book which one would think has the intention of communicating positive or good ideas, was written in a way that attempts to do so with negative sarcasm and profane language.
--
As an aside, I actually find it funny that this was a free 'gift' from Audible on Valentine's Day, for (at least) two reasons:
First, on a day where some people choose to do things like date, do sweet stuff for their beloved or celebrate romance in general, this 'free gift' gives really crappy dating advice, let alone how to approach, relate with, or treat women or people in general.
Secondly, Valentine's Day is also known as the Feast of Saint Valentine and a 'saint' is a religious concept. If you're someone who chooses to believe in a religion, the author does, directly and indirectly insult the idea of you believing in one.
There are tons of other great, classic books to help someone actually looking to genuinely build confidence, this book is not one of them.
Though there are some basic, sound ideas within, trying to feed your mind with those ideas is like trying to feed your body vegetables by eating a triple stack bacon cheeseburger with a piece of lettuce inside.
It's peculiar that a 'self help' book which one would think has the intention of communicating positive or good ideas, was written in a way that attempts to do so with negative sarcasm and profane language.
--
As an aside, I actually find it funny that this was a free 'gift' from Audible on Valentine's Day, for (at least) two reasons:
First, on a day where some people choose to do things like date, do sweet stuff for their beloved or celebrate romance in general, this 'free gift' gives really crappy dating advice, let alone how to approach, relate with, or treat women or people in general.
Secondly, Valentine's Day is also known as the Feast of Saint Valentine and a 'saint' is a religious concept. If you're someone who chooses to believe in a religion, the author does, directly and indirectly insult the idea of you believing in one.
July 16, 2014
I got this book as a freebie. I was shocked at what was toted as wholesome, thoughtful advice. All of Manson's advice was geared towards young, single males (not a bad thing in and of itself, except females are usually referred to, albeit in a sarcastic manner, as "bitches" and "whores" every time they happen to come up). I felt that his attitude managed to not only be disrespectful towards women, but also pretty dang demoralizing to men.
In addition, he was snide and superior throughout the whole book. He repeatedly relied on meaningless personal anecdotes to support his points(such as his use of glorious personal values in responding to an email). He assumes that you, the reader, will be very curious as to how he handles his personal relationships, what his attitudes are, and how he manages to be so "awesome." His words, not mine.
Not to mention that, other than a brief paragraph or two at the first, he never directly addresses being a nerd, or even being confident. I'm confused.
If I feel this negatively towards a book, I usually don't bother to subject other people to my frustrations in the form of a review, but in this case, I needed to vent!
In addition, he was snide and superior throughout the whole book. He repeatedly relied on meaningless personal anecdotes to support his points(such as his use of glorious personal values in responding to an email). He assumes that you, the reader, will be very curious as to how he handles his personal relationships, what his attitudes are, and how he manages to be so "awesome." His words, not mine.
Not to mention that, other than a brief paragraph or two at the first, he never directly addresses being a nerd, or even being confident. I'm confused.
If I feel this negatively towards a book, I usually don't bother to subject other people to my frustrations in the form of a review, but in this case, I needed to vent!
September 13, 2014
I downloaded this as an Audible freebie and only listened to it now because I'd just finished another audiobook and didn't have a chance to figure out what I wanted to listen to next, so I picked this because at least it was short. I thought it was a short story by a comedian. I didn't get at all what I was expecting. It is a self-help book. Really. And it is couched in plenty of sexist comments, heteronormative assumptions, and a fair bit of callousness to others. The target audience in clearly single, straight men as most of the psychology and analysis is presented in dude-talk with plenty of profanity. Yet, it has some good points. I certainly don't want my kids listening to this thing, but some of the ideas were good enough that I actually took notes! While its narrow audience and near complete exclusion of other listeners is a drawback, the book has its niche since men of this target audience aren't the top producers or consumers of self-help and psychology. I listened to this as an audiobook. 3/5
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