How to Get Along with Anyone: The Playbook for Predicting and Preventing Conflict at Work and at Home

by John Eliot, Jim Guinn

Defuse any heated conflict by learning which of the five conflict styles you are and how to resolve even the most sensitive dispute with this must-read guide.

The average American worker spends 156 hours a year engaged in the kind of moderate to intense workplace conflict that adversely impacts both performance and health. Managers spend twenty-six percent of their time addressing and resolving conflicts on their team—the equivalent of chewing up one full workday each week. But what if it didn’t need to be like this? What if there was a way to spend less time in stressfully interpersonal interactions and more time on the things that really matter? Through three decades of building and facilitating team chemistry for Fortune 500 companies, professional sports franchises, schools, government agencies, nonprofit organizations, and families—Drs. Jim Guinn and John Eliot have reduced the time and cost of conflict resolution. With this on-the-ground experience combined with industry-leading science and research, Guinn and Eliot discovered people respond to conflict in one of five avoid, compete, analyze, collaborate, or accommodate.

Because our responses are ingrained byproducts of the subcortex in action, they are predictable. If you can predict how someone will behave in a given circumstance, you can formulate a game plan. The secret is knowing which of the five patterns someone is wired to use when smacked by a stressor. How to Get Along with Anyone is a pragmatic hands-on book to help you determine conflict types so you can navigate the arguments that emerge in day-to-day life. You’ll learn the formula for identifying your coworkers’ and loved ones’ conflict styles and how to use this information to foster better communication and more effective, collaboration.

Filled with fun, engaging examples and actionable techniques, How to Get Along with Anyone teaches you how to predict and prevent escalated conflict, arming you with practical tools for flipping the script on sticking points to nurture stronger and more meaningful relationships.

Genres: Nonfiction, Communication, Business, Self Help, Psychology, Relationships

295 pages, Kindle Edition

Published February 18, 2025

Reviews

[Layla Ophelia · Rating 2 out of 5]

10% really good advice on navigating conflict.
80% sports metaphors that go on way too long and muddle the message.
10% made up stories?! No you did not eat a bunch of Taco Bell and earn a football team’s trust by ripping a massive fart in front of them. “And then everyone clapped.” Give me a break. Equally dubious is the story about the couple who find out they are cheating on each other with the same person so they - with the help of our master mediator authors - decide to give that lady their house so they can both visit her on alternating weekends. Okay.
I’m sure these guys are great speakers who you would definitely want to book for an engaging and humorous workshop on navigating workplace conflict. Unfortunately that doesn’t translate so well to a book.

[Analie · Rating 5 out of 5]

How to Get Along with Anyone surpassed my expectations. I learned so much about myself and how I show up in conflict. The stories were entertaining and the principles were very practical. Thank you to the authors for helping make sense of some of the strange ways people react in conflict.

[January · Rating 5 out of 5]

How to Get Along with Anyone: The Playbook for Predicting and Preventing Conflict at Work and at Home by John Eliot and Jim Guinn (2025)
283-page Hardback

Genre: Nonfiction, Interpersonal Conflict,
Interpersonal Relations, Conflict Management, Self-Help, Communication, Business, People Management

Featuring: Introduction, Scenarios, Quizzes, Step Breakdowns, Lists, Charts, Analogies, Movies, Quotes, Identify the Trigger, Predict Behavior, Get to the Underlying Interest, Angry Mama, Active Listening, Bear, It's A Two-Way Street, Defuse Emotion, The Problem-Solving Lynchpin, The Voice Technique, The Validation Technique, The Detour Technique, The E-Mail Draft Technique, Making a Relationship Investment, Play the Player, Building Rapport, Go-Tos, Leading People to Solutions, Momentum Versus Dominoes, The Avoider, The Competitor, The Analyzer, The Collaborator, The Accommodator, Epilogue, What's Next?- Sequel, Acknowledgments, Notes, Work Cited, Index, QR Code and Social Media Links to The Conflict Docs

Rating as a movie: R for adult situations and language

Memorable Quotes: The good news: through three decades of building and facilitating team chemistry for Fortune 500 companies, professional sports franchises, schools, government agencies, medical centers, nonprofit organizations, and families (including marriage counseling and mediation), we’ve discovered that people all respond to conflict in one of five core, hand-on-the-stove ways. We’ve witnessed some truly wild $#!% and jaw-dropping relationship cacophony (some of which we’ll share in the pages to come), but we’ve realized that no matter how unexpected or appalling the conflict, each person’s approach to it can be distilled into one of five styles. When riled by one another, humans will instinctively (1) avoid, (2) compete, (3) analyze, (4) collaborate, or (5) accommodate. Because these are ingrained by-products of the subcortex in action, they are predictable. If you can predict how someone might behave in a circumstance, you can formulate a game plan. All you need to know is which of the five patterns someone is wired to use when smacked in the nose by a stressor. Enter How to Get Along with Anyone. Intensive study of human performance and organizational psychology combined with careers full of trial and error have taught us that the escalation of disagreements is rarely a result of content. Blowups appear to be substance driven, and oft dressed up as such, but they’re actually people driven. No, we don’t mean bad-actor caused, though that certainly does happen. We mean that when people don’t fully attend to one another, they miss cues, considerations, and opportunities to keep differences from mushrooming—or better still, to benefit from those same differences. The first step toward preventing and resolving conflict is to focus on figuring out the people participating in it, not the underlying “problem.” Section I of this book will arm you with tools to better understand your own style and the styles of the people around you. Central to this process, we’ll supply you with a formula for identifying your coworkers’ and loved ones’ Conflict Personality Styles—whether they are Avoiders, Competitors, Analyzers, Collaborators, or Accommodators (or whether they are multi-styled, as is someone who’s an Accommodator around their boss but an Avoider in family situations). You’ll then learn how to use this knowledge to foster great communication and great relationships, designing a bulletproof conflict vest for yourself. In Section II we’ll point a microscope at the five Conflict Personality Styles, uncovering the inner workings of each. Once you have a leg up on knowing how a friend or foe responds when their buttons are pushed—to avoid, compete, analyze, collaborate, or accommodate—what’s your next move? What should you do next to guide an otherwise sour interaction down a productive path? Leaning on real-world work and family illustrations, the second half of this book will walk you through the blueprints for thriving in your interactions with each Conflict Personality Style. One word of warning: as in every Marvel Studios blockbuster, there are villains lurking. There are people out there seeking to bring others down by tapping into conflict sensitivities and weaknesses, intentionally pushing hot buttons, fearmongering, and worse. Today, an increasing percentage of the population struggles to have civil discussion over points of disagreement. There are those who fan these flames for their own personal gains. There are bad actors—“hackers” wishing to leverage human psychology to do harm. We put hackers in quotation marks purposefully. Modern emergence of the term in the 1960s was meant to describe, according to the history of computing’s Jargon File, “the intellectual challenge of creatively overcoming and circumventing limitations of systems to extend their capabilities.” Advocates of true hacker culture frown on their terminology being misused to label nefarious or illegal activity. Hacking in its pure form is about meaningful, value-add expositions of aptitude. Respected hacks expand a body of knowledge, reveal openings for design improvement, and elucidate how to overcome obstacles. Life hacks are for the purpose of increasing productivity and happiness. What’s more, revered hackers are passionately community minded. They favor working collectively—very anti-conflict. In our polarized world, interpersonal interaction and empathy have taken nosedives to all-time lows. More than ever, we need to channel the original spirit of hacking: bringing out the very best of human psychology to heal divides, restore teamwork, and build a better future together. We need conflict heroes. We need you. Which is why we’ve written this book: to put in your paws the ingredients for immunity to conflict kryptonite. In addition to aiding you in becoming more impervious to ne’er-do-wells seeking to exploit your conflict blind spots, we aim to make conflict resolution fun. Rhetorically speaking, who adores relationship strife? The unpleasant and exhausting nature of interpersonal dissonance is why so many people try to steer clear of it or brush it under the rug. Visceral feelings about conflict are why we can struggle to see the forest for the trees. The trees are the hullabaloo swirling in and around a disagreement. There is a clear, productive path through the forest, if you realize the trees are useful navigational beacons rather than Halloween-inspired encroachments on your well-being. We’re here to give you the tools to see a conflict for what it is. We’ll show you how to use it as a vehicle to shepherd organizational, family, and team unity. Junctures at which people are not exhibiting the best versions of themselves are turning points—portals for superheroes to save the day and flip the switch from interpersonal tensions to low-stress environments, and even opportunities to find humor in them, too. While our fingers are crossed that you’ll prevent a horde of altercations altogether, we want you to have fun playing the superhero as well.

1. High emotion and reason don't cooperate in the human brain when it is stressed. Land the emotional plane.
2. Humans are rarely "themselves" when their buttons are pushed. Assessment is half the battle. Solve people, not problems.
3. While you have a Go-To Conflict Personality Style when you are Triggered, you can learn to adjust. Play Go-To matchmaker!

My rating: 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🤝

My thoughts: 📖 Page 63 of 283 [Chapter] 3 Get to the Underlying Interest - I am surprised to say this is way more interesting than the fiction books I've been into lately. Maybe it's all the scenarios and sports trivia. However, if this author had read Wilson's biography he would know that that slap is part of his normal behavior. This one is going to the spouse.

I think my husband would enjoy this one and it would be beneficial. It was a very quick read, although I did get lost in a few of the analogies and scenarios and had to reread.

Recommend to others: Yes! This is a good book about navigating conflict.

[Bob · Rating 4 out of 5]

Summary: An approach to conflict resolution based on the five ways people respond to conflict.

156. The number of hours a salaried employee in the United States spends, on average, engaged in moderate to intense workplace conflict that is reported to adversely impact job performance. That adds up to essentially one month of work per year per person. (p. xiv)

Productivity. Job satisfaction. Employee retention. All of these measures and more are impacted by unresolved workplace conflicts. Conversely, effective conflict resolution affirms the value of people, and results in greater organizational effectiveness.

But the workplace isn’t the only place where effective conflict resolution is needed. Unresolved conflict shreds families, undermines voluntary associations and renders toxic our political processes. Knowing how to get along with anyone is a pretty important skill, yet less than 40 percent of full-time employees receive any form of conflict resolution training.

John Eliot and Jim Guinn have worked with an extensive variety of organizations in conflict resolution training and conflict mediation. This book distills the wisdom they’ve gained from that work and the core of the resources they offer. The key idea of the book is that it is crucial to understand the five ways people respond to conflict, and to base one’s actions in resolving conflict on understanding a person’s pattern of responding to conflict. The first section of the book lays the groundwork of good conflict resolution processes while the second focuses on the five conflict response patterns.

First of all, good conflict resolution begins with identifying the three types or triggers of conflict: task, process, and relational. Each of us are triggered more by one of these. The authors offer a trigger analysis process to understand what is triggering conflict. Second, it is vital to predict behavior by identifying a person’s “Go-To Conflict Personality Style.” Specifically, there are five styles: Avoider, Competitor, Analyzer, Collaborator, and Accommodator. For each, they outline strengths, weaknesses ideal conflict scenarios, main MO’s, nicknames, best and worst teammates. However, no conflict style is necessarily better or worse.

Third, after understanding triggers and conflict styles, is getting to a persons underlying interest. Active listening is critical and they offer specific suggestions how to do this. Fourth, it is often necessary to defuse emotion in conflict situations. The authors describe ways to do this through lowered voices, validation, detours, e-mail drafts, and relationship investment. Finally, the authors tie it all together with Matt Damon’s axiom from Rounders: “The key to the game is playing the man, not the cards.” In conflict, we often try to make better arguments, solve problems, and strategize. Rather than playing these cards, we need to play the player, building rapport, summoning their motivations and using momentum to build wins together.

Then the second section of the book takes a deep dive into each conflict style. The authors offer specific techniques for conflict resolution for each style. Throughout, they illustrate these methods with stories from their consulting work. For example, they describe how a competitor’s ultimatum, walking away from a deal, was turned into a five year fleet purchase agreement. In addition to working with a person’s conflict style, it is important to understand one’s own “go-to.” If you can’t figure this out from the descriptions, you can go to The Conflict Docs website and take an assessment (for $25.00).

In conclusion, I found the book to be very helpful. For example, understanding one’s own triggers and “go to” style seems critical. Likewise, the “play the player” insight, I thought, was gold. I can’t enumerate how many conflicts went sideways in my own life because I was oblivious to this insight. However, I think it can be a challenge to keep all the techniques straight, so keep this book handy.

One concern I have is the risk of using the techniques in this book manipulatively. So much hinges on one’s character, it seems. The authors show they care for people and want individuals and organizations to flourish. But I also have known clever manipulators who negotiate their way through conflict, making others feel good while acting only in their own interests. It’s never a good approach to build long-term relationships where trust is important. But some don’t care about the long term.

However, that doesn’t detract from the value of this book. Few people want to be at odds with each other. Most want to work productively. Learning to resolve conflict strengthens relationships, and enhances productivity and organizational effectiveness. Learning how to get along with anyone is a good thing.

____________________

Disclosure of Material Connection: I received a complimentary copy of this book for review from the publisher through LibraryThing’s Early Reviewers Program.

[Bookworm · Rating 3 out of 5]

As this was available at the library and caught my eye, I thought this sounded like a good idea. Although this specifically talks about conflicts at work and at home, I thought this would be one of those books that might come in handy in other situations: you're at a Meetup, you're seeing the movies with some friends who have brought their partners/other friends, etc. Getting along with people can sometimes also be a genuine survival technique, too, so this seemed like a well-timed read.

This is basically a self-help book dealing with personal situations that are not unusual: in work situations in particular, you're a bunch of random people who often have nothing in common with one another (or the most common thing you have in common) is that you're required to show up to this place for roughly the same amount of time 5 days a week (give or take). Everyone brings their personal experiences, personalities, working styles, etc. with them and yes, they don't always mesh.

The authors go through the different personality types at work and how they work, strengths and weaknesses, how they can work with other personalities, pitfalls to avoid, etc. Along with tips and tricks there are some personal stories and sports metaphors.

This was pretty dull. It could be the topic or presentation style, but what I got from this was that stuff like this is often more effective in a workshop-type of setting, rather than a book. This can vary and it can be useful to have a written reference, but something like this may have a better impact if you actually have an interpersonal connection or experience. Your mileage may vary though!

Probably most useful for managers, people who strive to get ahead and move into senior leadership (because let's be honest, a lot of people leadership positions could do better in learning how to manage conflicts!) but of course your low-level worker can find this useful, too. Would recommend that it is likely most useful when read in context of an actual training, but can be useful as a reference. If you're just curious because the title caught your eye this is probably skippable but a casual reader might find something useful out of it.

Borrowed from the library and that was best for me.

[Erin Matson · Rating 3 out of 5]

How to Get Along with Anyone is a practical reference book for approaching and resolving conflict in the workplace, though the principles can be applied to personal matters as well.

The most important nugget for me as a reader was understanding the difference between positions (what is discussed on the surface level during conflict), issues (essentially what people offer to support their positions), and interests (the unstated: what people really want). The book discussed several personality types within conflict, including how to spot them, what their triggers are, who they work well (and clash) with, and how to Macgyver your way to a productive solution with them.

I also appreciated the delineation between task conflicts (something is or isn’t happening), process conflicts (something is happening the right or wrong way), and relationship conflicts (these two just hate each other). It was useful to hear that in the authors’ experience, people rush to declare relational conflict when in fact the core issue is task or process oriented. It was a good reminder to dig deeper regarding seemingly irreconcilable people.

I don’t know how useful this book will be to the apparently unsolvable conflicts I encounter, but the authors provide several examples of what appear to be miraculous transformations. So I’ll give these techniques a try.

[Carling Tanno · Rating 4 out of 5]

Synopsis: This book is a deep dive into interpersonal styles of communication and approach to work. The authors discuss there are five styles- avoider, accommodators, competitors, collaborators, and analyzers. The overall theme of this book is to describe each of these styles, who they work well with, who they tend to clash with (and why), and ways in which to form more effective interpersonal communication styles.

Overall: I really enjoyed this book. I found the content of this book extremely useful and applicable, especially for a clinical setting. This book had me reflecting on my own style (accommodator, here!) and my interactions with others and things that I can perhaps alter in my approach. Various stories and examples are shared to demonstrate these styles at work, which were funny and relatable.

Rating: 4/5

[Cynthia Marcus · Rating 3 out of 5]

For a topic that is not particularly fun, this can be an amusing book. The authors take a low key approach to the subject and relay a number of amusing stories regarding their mediations. They use alot of sports analogies, so that may be a turn off for some.

There is alot of interesting and useful information in this book that can help people interact more productively and amicably. You may not be able to grasp or implement all the information in this book, but you will walk away with a few nuggets to aid in your interpersonal relationships.

[Jer · Rating 4 out of 5]

Hard to say if this was trending up or down from 4 stars because I felt differently at various points…

The concept is compelling and interesting, with various supporting vignettes offered along the way, but it also has that stereotypical “the whole book is a business services pitch” thing going on, which then leaves me a bit skeptical.

I may have to see what the associated assessment entails (and whether it’s free or $$$) before deciding.

[Lee · Rating 1 out of 5]

Too much sports and business; super hypermasculine... I am more interested in navigating interpersonal conflict where there is no clear reason necessarily. Took me a long time to get through this book.

[pianogal · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was a good read. Not sure how applicable it is by yourself with the good doctors assessment. Interested to read about the different types though. Avoider all the way, BTW.

[Nick Salenga · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a great book that teaches you how to predict & prevent escalating conflict & gives you power to nurture stronger & more meaningful relationships with people in your life.

[Mhughessc · Rating 4 out of 5]

"How to Get Along with Anyone: The Playbook for Predicting and Preventing Conflict at Work and at Home", by John Eliot and Jim Guinn, is a handbook on a very timely topic. Nowadays, it seems no one knows how to resolve conflict or avoid it altogether. The authors begin this book by discussing the three main types of conflict types: task, process, and relational. These conflicts can be triggered by emotions, events time, and/or conditions. I was really interested in the conflict personality styles, which they labeled as follows: the avoider, the competitor, the analyzer, the collaborator, and the accommodator. The authors then dedicated a chapter to each personality style, giving practical advice to each style.

This book, while not exactly an exciting read, was full of good advice and suggestions to help the reader handle conflict. This would be a good read for anyone who is interested in bettering their social interactions. Thanks to NetGalley for the ARC. All opinions are my own.