Was deine Wut dir sagen will: überraschende Einsichten

by Marshall B. Rosenberg

You can feel it when it hits you. Your face flushes and your vision narrows. Your heartbeat increases as judgmental thoughts flood your mind. Your anger has been triggered, and you're about to say or do something that will likely make it worse.You have an alternative. By practicing the Nonviolent Communication (NVC) process you can use that anger to serve a specific, life-enriching purpose. It tells you that you're disconnected from what you value and that your needs are not being met. Rather than managing your anger by suppressing your feelings or blasting someone with your judgments, Marshall Rosenberg shows you how to use anger to discover what you need, and then how to meet your needs in constructive ways.This booklet will help you apply these four key- People or events may spark your anger but your own judgments are its cause- Judging others as "wrong" prevents you from connecting with your unmet needs- Getting clear about your needs helps you identify solutions satisfying to everyone- Creating strategies focused on meeting your needs transforms anger into positive actions

Genres: Psychology, Self Help, Nonfiction, Communication, Mental Health, Spirituality, Emotion

66 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2005

About the author

Marshall Rosenberg was an American psychologist and the creator of Nonviolent Communication, a communication process that helps people to exchange the information necessary to resolve conflicts and differences peacefully. He was the founder and Director of Educational Services for the Center for Nonviolent Communication, an international non-profit organization.

In 1961, Rosenberg received his Ph.D. in clinical psychology from the University of Wisconsin–Madison and in 1966 was awarded Diplomate status in clinical psychology from the American Board of Examiners in Professional Psychology. He lived in Albuquerque, New Mexico, where the Center for Nonviolent Communication's office is located.

Reviews

[Trista · Rating 3 out of 5]

Ah, Dr. Rosenberg. I wish someone had pointed me towards you LONG ago. Alas, I am extremely grateful for your work. If anyone reads this review, I highly recommend reading his original book Non-Violent Communication (also you can YouTube 'rosenberg san francisco' and get a 3 hour lecture/conference that he gave that is amazing and sums the book up quite well).

[Rosie Nguyễn · Rating 4 out of 5]

A useful and practical guide on the reasons behind anger. And how we can express anger in a way that not to hurt others and meanwhile increase the chance for our needs to be met. Sure, easier said than done, and it may takes a long time to practice. But it's worth a try (maybe two, or three).

[Ester · Rating 2 out of 5]

2,5⭐
Si ya leíste el libro de comunicación noviolenta, creo que este libro no aporta mucho más. Es un repaso de la CNV aplicada al enfado. Está bien para refrescar conceptos.

[Mark Manderson · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'm finding the material Dr Rosenberg puts out is incredible. The premise of this book:
The stimulus or trigger of our anger is not the cause of our anger. Simply be clear what the stimulus is but not to mix it up with judgements or evaluation.
4 Steps in Managing Anger:

- OBSERVATIONS: Identify the stimulus of anger without confusing it with the evaluation.
- FEELINGS: Identify the internal image or judgment that is making us angry.
- NEEDS: Transform the judgemental image into the need that it is expressing. Bring your full attention to the need that is behind the judgment.
- REQUESTS: Vocalise by revealing to them the stimulus which is what they have done that is in conflict with your needs being fulfilled. Express how you are feeling such as sadness, hurt, scared, frustrated, etc and in a clear present request what it is you're wanting from them.

[Sonja Huege · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.5 ⭐️

I love so so much of what Marshall talks about and his way of viewing communication has been such a gift to me. I am so much more able to identify and have my needs met as a result of his lectures and books. However, I still struggle with the argument that “no one can make you feel x”. I hear that for trivial things such as someone showing up late for coffee, where you might be relieved or angry or hurt. But I think there are some bigger issues that are glossed over. When someone yells at you, assaults you, spreads harmful misinformation about you, kills one of your loved ones, etc etc they’re making you feel a certain way.

All in all, I’d recommend this material to anyone with a grain or two of salt. Do I think that anger is always about the judgments you have in your own head and not the actions of someone else? No. Do I think it’s vital to find the feelings and needs underneath the anger? Absolutely.

[Zibi · Rating 4 out of 5]

Everyone gets angry, so I feel like it's really important to know how to deal with that anger. To me anger has always been in the way of having discussions with people who have different beliefs than me. In just 35 pages this booklet shows you a way to fully express your anger without nourishing it (beating pillows) or repressing it, or that's what it tries at least.

I've tried applying this to situations that made me angry in the past and it made me realize a lot of things I was not aware of before.

Honestly, I'd reccommend it just bc it's 35 pages and you can read that in an afternoon. If it helps, great, if not, at least you didn't waste much time with it.

[Vladimir Tarasov · Rating 4 out of 5]

The essence of the NVC principles makes me feel contradictory. From the one hand they represents the gentle and non-violent way of communication the very need of the person, but from the other, the power to change things, to change people way of thinking arises from the strong feelings.

Knowing the fact that strong unpleasant feelings have the other background than just emotions will help me to improve myself.

[Julie · Rating 2 out of 5]

I read (and loved) Nonviolent Communication. It revolutionized my disagreements with my spouse and have is a new language to help us get unstuck in sons long-standing disagreements. This book never gave a convincing argument for the benefits of anger and ends up feeling more like anger is not a valuable emotion (though he explicitly says the opposite). I still love Marshal Rosenberg's approach, it just doesn't seem meaty enough here.

[Dina · Rating 5 out of 5]

All anger is expression of unmet needs. It goes like this: need, judgement, anger. If you get to the core of the need, you take away the blame of others to which need of yours is not being met. There is a chance if you explain this to other person, he might hear you out and meet it, if not try to get to the bottom of his unmet needs that prevents him from meeting yours. A lot of patience is needed. When you get angry, don't react right away, but take time and analyze what is the trigger behind that anger. Anger is a warning signal. It rarely has to do with what the other person did that caused you to feel the anger - it has to do with your expectations of what the person should (blame) have done.

[Rajiv · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is short book but in brief it explains the reason we get angry is due to our unmet needs, and if we try to communicate in anger, failure is guaranteed. Author teaches to explore more deeper within us to find the root cause of anger or the sponsoring thought that arouse those feeling. He believes in healing and not repressing anger. I recommend.

[MizzSandie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Yes.
Yes yes yes.
If we could all learn to use anger as a warning signal of needs not met and communicate these needs with responsibility and honesty and respect for ourselves and the other, then... the world would be a different and more peaceful place.
Let’s.
If this was taught to kids all over then we could take this world to another level. A better level.

[Susie · Rating 3 out of 5]

Easier said than done.

In my own life, I have been dealt personality types that make this process damn near impossible. I have expressed my needs, as the book states, have even empathized with other parties and they just don't get it. And they never will so, I have given up.

[NoTra · Rating 1 out of 5]

L'impression de lire une vieille revue américaine faisant l'apologie d'un gourou.

[Anthony Bufalino · Rating 5 out of 5]

Semplicissimo ma ricco di strumenti utili per scoprire che la rabbia nasconde molto altro.

[Nora Krauss · Rating 4 out of 5]

Ich finde gewaltfreie Kommunikation sehr spannend und dieses Buch ist eine gute Zusammenfassung der Prinzipien. Dies ist die Stärke des Buches, hat aber zur Folge, dass manche Themen sehr oberflächlich oder kurz behandelt werden. So habe ich auf den ersten Blick einige Positionen so nicht geteilt, aber vielleicht würde ich das anders beurteilen, wenn ich mich mit seiner Theorie näher beschäftigen würde.

[Alba]

Vi este libro en la biblioteca y me decidí a cogerlo porque ya había visto este vídeo. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C50SD... Es un libro cortito y no aporta mucha novedad a las ideas del vídeo, que en esencia me parecen buenas, pero ahonda más en lo que dice el título, así que engañar no engaña. Da lo que ofrece.

Nos pasamos la vida enfadados y pensando que el resto del mundo es malísimo, acumulando agravio tras agravio y montándonos películas sobre lo que los demás planean u opinan. Obviamente, no estoy diciendo que yo me comporte así ni que todas las personas lo hagan, pero sí que es lo más normal y lo más fácil ser muy comprensivos con nosotros mismos ("¿es que no se da cuenta de lo cansado que estoy? ¿es que no se da cuenta de lo que me duele? ¿es que no se da cuenta de que me molesta?") y menos con los demás, por razones obvias. La gente no es adivina, y deberíamos ser transparentes con lo que sentimos y con lo que pensamos para poder tener relaciones sanas.

Este libro y este vídeo tratan sobre eso. En lugar de decirle a alguien "eres un egoísta, un vago, un cobarde, un niñato, etc.", podríamos pararnos a pensar y ver qué hay detrás de eso. Por ejemplo, podría ser que, en lugar de "eres un egoísta", dijéramos (o pensáramos) "me has hecho esto (hecho) y me ha molestado porque esperaba que te hicieras cargo de mi situación (expresión de tus necesidades) e hicieras esto otro (petición)". Castigamos (en nuestra mente o fuera de ella) a las personas que no actúan como nosotros queremos, en lugar de expresarles qué necesidades tenemos y qué podrían hacer (cosas concretas, no ambiguas del tipo "quiero que seas más atento") para que éstas estuvieran satisfechas y nos sintiéramos mejor. De la misma manera, cuando una persona nos eche algo en cara, hemos de pensar en sus necesidades y decirle "así que estás molesto porque necesitas esto y yo no te lo he dado. ¿Hay algo que pueda hacer para que te sientas mejor (es decir, para que tu necesidad esté satisfecha)?"

Cuando sentimos rabia u otra persona la siente contra nosotros, es una señal de alarma de que nuestras necesidades o las suyas no están satisfechas. Ante eso, corremos el riesgo de lanzar toda nuestra ira contra otra persona (que a lo mejor sólo tuvo un detalle que nos molestó y le hicimos pagar todo lo que llevábamos a cuestas, sin venir a cuento). Este libro nos invita a pararnos, a analizar por qué nos molesta lo que nos molesta y a expresarlo con claridad, sin echar culpas de más a nadie, porque nadie sabe lo que cargas en tu corazón ni tiene la responsabilidad de adivinarlo. Cuando expresas lo que te pasa, pides lo que necesitas y no echas cargas de culpa sobre nadie, es probable que muchas personas sean comprensivas contigo y, efectivamente, te respetan. Y, si no, al menos tú conservarás la dignidad y tu integridad moral y no te acabarás rebajando a enzarzarte en cualquier discusión y soltar veneno por la boca.

Hasta ahí todo bien. Ahora, lo que está mal. Creo que la Comunicación No Violenta se presenta como un método universal, milagroso, que da por hecho la bondad natural del ser humano y su perfectibilidad, punto que me parece más que discutible. Sin dejar de reconocer que la idea me parece buena y que ES CIERTO que la mayoría de las veces que estamos dolidos, enfadados, decepcionados, es algo que tiene que ver más con nuestra trayectoria vital que con lo que la persona ha hecho y que es una postura de respeto hacia la otra persona (aunque no te corresponda en su hacer) al desplazar la culpa de la identidad al hecho (vamos, lo de que importa el pecado, no el pecador, de toda la vida), hay personas que, para decirlo con la expresión popular, "no tienen perdón de Dios". Es necesario hacer juicios de valor (e inevitable, por otra parte), alejarse de algunas personas e incluso enfrentarse a ellas. Marshall propone la CNV como una pócima que, de ser aplicada, solucionaría todos los problemas del mundo, y yo no creo que el diálogo dé para tanto, aunque sí para mucho con muchísimas personas -siempre que no estén radicalmente adoctrinadas en una ideología o religión- que lo único que quieren es tener una vida tranquila y feliz. La mayoría de nosotros queremos que los demás sean compasivos con nosotros y con nuestros errores. Podríamos empezar a dar lo que esperamos, y a eso es a lo que nos invita este libro.

Dejo aquí un fragmento:

La siguiente vez que fui a la prisión (...) otro tipo me estaba esperando junto a la puerta mientras se paseaba de un lado para otro. Me dijo: "Eh, Marshall, ¿te acuerdas de la última vez que dijiste que cuando creemos que nos gusta hacer daño a las personas o queremos herir a alguien, la auténtica necesidad que tenemos es que entiendan cuánto hemos sufrido?", a lo que respondí: "Sí, me acuerdo". Entonces me dijo: "¿Te importaría que lo repasemos hoy, muy despacio? Salgo de aquí dentro de tres días y si no tengo esto claro, voy a hacerle daño a alguien".
Si alguien disfruta haciendo daño a otros, lo veo como una señal de que probablemente esa misma ha persona ha sufrido o está sufriendo bastante violencia psicológica o de otro tipo, y lo que necesita es empatía por el gran dolor que siente.

[Morthen · Rating 2 out of 5]

Jos et ole aikaisemmin lukenut NVC:stä (Non-Violent Communication), tämän vihkosen anti saattaa tuntua vähäiseltä.

Itse pidän paljon NVC:n teoriasta ja käytännön tasonkin harjotteista, ja olen oppinut paljon lukemalla Rosenbergin teoksia, sekä kuuntelemalla hänen esityksiään ja koulutuksiaan mm. Youtuben kautta. Silti tämän vihkosen anti jäi mielestäni suhteellisen kevyeksi.

Mutta siinä oli kuitenkin joitakin ajatuksen siemeniä taas itselle poimittavaksi, joten olen kiitollinen, että tämän vihkosenkin tulin kirjastosta lainanneeksi.

Ehkä yksi pääajatus, minkä poimin tästä vihkosesta on, että Viha on ihmiselle tärkeä tunne, ja että ihmisen kannattaa pysähtyä kuuntelemaan, mitä vihan tunne meille kussakin tilanteessa kertoo.
- Mikä tarpeemme ei ole tyydytetty?
- Mitä kaikkea on vihan tunteemme takana?
- Miksi on tärkeää olla patoamatta vihaa, mutta myös tärkeää olla päästämättä sitä kostonomaisesti valloilleen?
- Miten voimme muuntaa vihan tunteen empaattiseksi yhteydeksi itseemme, mutta myös toiseen ihmiseen (vaikka tämä toinen suhtautuisikin vihamielisesti meihin)?

Yksi NVC:n perustana olevista ajatuksista on, että ihmisen pitäisi, pystyäkseen kommunikoimaan väkivallattomasti, pystyä erottelemaan:
1) havainnot (ja havannoida tuomitsematta, arvostelematta)
2) tunteet (niillä on meille aina elintärkeitä viestejä, jotka kertovat meille jonkun sanoman)
3) tarpeet (mitkä ovat tyydytettyjä, mitkä eivät)
4) pyynnöt (itselle tai toisille tehdyt pyynnöt ovat sellaisia, että voit suhtautua kyllä ja ei-vastauksiin yhtä neutraalisti, tuntematta tunnekuohua tms. Ja jos tunnekuohua esiintyy, tai kielteinen vastaus aiheuttaa pahaa mieltä itsessä tai muissa, niin kyseessä ei ollutkaan NVC-termein pyyntö, vaan piilotettu tai suora vaatimus).

Suosittelen tutustumaan Rosenbergin NVC-teoriaan ja opetusvideoihin (joka kokonaisuutena on 5 tähden arvoista, mielestäni). Tämä vihkonen voi olla ok täydentämään muita materiaaleja, mutta itsenäisenä vihkosena mielestäni vain 1,5 tähden tasoinen.

[چهاد بدوي]

- There is always, between the trigger and the anger, some thought process that is going on.
- Fully expressing the anger means not that I just express these deep feelings behind it, but to have this person get it.
"it's not enough to just pour that out. I need them to get it; I need them to hear it, empathically."
- I'm not saying that it is wrong to judge people . . . what's important is to be conscious that it's that judgment that makes us angry.
- Use the words “I feel because I . . .” to remind us that what we feel it is not because of what the other person did, but because of the choice I made.
- I have a big conflict with what goes on his head,his way of thinking. But I've learned that I enjoy human beings a lot better when I don't hear what they think.
- Anger says I have gone up to my head and have chosen to analyze the wrongness of the other
person and I'm disconnected from my needs.
- they do that vengeance is a distorted cry for empathy. That when we think we need to hurt others, what we really need is for these other people to see how we have been hurt and to see how their behavior has contributed to our pain.
- Making the other people suffer is the bestthey can think of to do to find relief from their own pain.
- In fact, when we are directly connected with the needs of others—at the point at which
we understand their needs—we are not really in touch with any feelings within ourselves

[Katrin Gaboo · Rating 5 out of 5]

Book about NVC = non biolent communication

It is dangerous to think about anger as something to be repressed, or as something bad

To deal with anger:
- understand what wss the stimulus/trigger to your reaction? state facts, what has actually happened
- see how you interpret what had happened, what are you telling yourself? I feel as i do because i am telling myself thpughts about othervpeople wrongness
- look for the need that is the cause if anger. Create personal vocabulary of needs to be able to share them clearly

- create a list of judgements that are likely to go on inside of you when you are angry

I am feeling angry because i am telling myself that... the other person is wrong
Only i am responsible for my emotions

"The word emotion basically means to move us out, to mobilize us to meet our needs"

- there is not a thing another person can do to make us angry
- any thinking in your head that includes "should" is violence provoking
- anger is a natural feeling created by unnatural thinking
- to fully express anger means to get our full conciousness on the need that is not getting met
- the best way i can get understanding from another person is to give them an understanding first

[Linda Is on her way · Rating 2 out of 5]

Read only 15%...
I know about the communication stuff and so on, don't blame the other person, state your feelings etc etc
What I hardly disagree with is that it said ".... So you can bring peace between that person and yourself " or something along the lines of that. I don't always want to do that, and that's fine. You don't always have to resolve conflicts or get over your anger. Getting over my anger would mean I'd forgive the other person, and I don't have to do that if I don't want to. Maybe the author is Christian or something, that would explain it, but otherwise I just don't agree. If I can live well with my decision, then there's nothing wrong with that. And even if I struggle with it, still, it's everyones right not to forgive someone who did a horrible thing to them, let alone kill a person close to them! The world simply isn't a peaceful place, it won't be as long as humans live and it doesn't have to be. Also me not forgiving a bad person for what they've done doesn't directly affect other people negatively, it doesn't hurt anyone. We simply learn from past experiences.

[Pat Swanson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Many of the self-help books I've read have a pamphlet's worth of important content spread across an entire book. For those books, I only find that out most of the way through reading it, resulting in a lot of wasted time.

This isn't one of those books. This short work (explicitly called a 'booklet' in the description) spends just the right amount of time to impart some useful practices without belaboring the point. Rosenberg manages to explain what anger's really about, and using a few examples, breaks down his process for really understanding what is going on inside your own head.

In a half-hour I was able to assess if the author has anything worthwhile to say (he does), and now I'm going to pick up his book on nonviolent communication and see if he can keep this up.

[Anna · Rating 4 out of 5]

As always, the idea behind the book is groundbreaking and truly helpful to understand ourselves and others better. But it's impossible to connect with it without having read "Non-Violent Communication: the Language of Life" first. I strongly recommend getting the basics of Rosenberg's teachings with that book, and after that, get to this one and dive a bit deeper into the theory because the language used here may be quite confusing if you don't understand what the theory is about. Probably, the book will not heal you from having anger issues but it definitely will give you a look on it that will get the process starting, it will allow you to start putting in the well-directed effort to have more peaceful life and relationships

[Eerika · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wonderful and transformative. This was my first book about the Non Violent Communication. This was quick to read. A compact package of information which was easy to relate and compare to my own life patterns, emotions and thoughts.

Only thing I disagree is a need to get another to get it. Currently I believe if I need an another person to get it, it is me who needs to get it. More importantly my transformation and freedom doesn't depend on anyone else.

I will probably ponder this more: other person to get it versus creating something e.g. a letter I never send, a video, a painting, dancing, singing etc. I will definitely read more about NVC.

[Déa · Rating 5 out of 5]

Un petit livre de 100 pages mais quelle puissance contenue dans ces mots !
C’est un énorme apaisement qui me viens.
J’étais très curieuse de comprendre l’approche de la CNV via une émotion aussi vive que la colère.
Et ben il réussi à tout désamorcer et me faire comprendre des astuces bienveillante pour composer avec la colère et c’est assez incroyable ! J’ai vraiment adoré ! Ça m’as fais beaucoup de bien à lire, maintenant je souhaite le mettre en pratique. Je trouve la CNV fascinante car elle est puissante mais au final assez simple dans l’idée. Maintenant il faut penser à cette méthode et ses questions pour désamorcer les situations… c’est un apprentissage !

[Casey Khuc · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book seems to me as a short introduction to NVC through the examples of anger. It deep dived into scenarios, examine the exact things (real, ugly, nasty things) that happens in our head, cut all the buzzwords in anger management like "let it out", "embrace yourself", etc. The author called them "superficial" and offered a better way to handle the anger.

It opens up a potential to fully express what's inside us and get understanding for it, and then we can feel whole again. And all this is based on compassion.

Excellent in such short stories! Just enough to persuade me to read more about NVC in depth right after.

[Frank Becker · Rating 3 out of 5]

Ein Heftchen als Schnelleinführung in GFK mit Focus auf Wut/Ärger.
Angenehm kurz aber trotzdem verständlich und mit vielen Beispielen. Mir ist aber [noch?] überhaupt nicht klar, wie man das im realen Leben hinbekommen will. "Sich mit seinen Bedürfnissen verbinden" klingt gut, aber auch irgendwie esotherisch.

Ich probier' es trotzdem demnächst bei den Kindern statt mit "RUHÄÄÄ!" mal mit "Mir ist aufgefallen, dass du sehr laut redest. Das tut meinen Ohren weh. Da ich nicht gern Schmerzen habe würde ich dich bitten etwas leiser zu sprechen"...

[Lenaffi · Rating 4 out of 5]

Interessant und wichtig, die Ursprünge seiner Wut besser zu verstehen. Die Schritte sind sehr einfach und verständlich auf den Punkt gebracht und mit vielen Beispielen bringt der Autor sein Konzept gut rüber.
Ich mag, dass am Ende eine kurze Übersicht ist, in welcher man im Nachtrag schön nachschauen kann und die wichtigsten Punkte so in wenigen Sekunden zusammengefasst hat.
(Schnell an einem Abend durchzulesen.)
Jedoch teilweise sehr häufige wiederholungen und einen kleinen Hauch an zu viel Eigenwerbung für das eigene Seminar :)

[Lili · Rating 4 out of 5]

خیلی دوسش داشتم ،مفهوم و دیدگاه جدیدی از خشم به آدم معرفی میکنه که حتی از تصور ما خارجه
اولش ممکنه دچار مقاومت شیم نسبت به اینکه عامل خشم ما درونی نیست بلکه رفتار و کردار دیگرانه که مارو خشمگین میکنه ،اما اگه در برابر این باور قدیمی مقاومت کنیم و به خوندن کتاب ادامه بدیم متوجه میشیم ، میشه از این زاویه خشم رو دید و اصلا هم غیر منطقی اشتباه و نظریه بدی نیست.
اما به طور کل پیشنهاد میکنم بخونیدش ، لازم هم نیست تغییر رفتاری بدیم میتونیم به عنوان عینک جدیدی برای دیدن عواطف خود و دیگران داشته باشیمش و گه گاهی دنیارو از این عینک ببینیم

[Amy · Rating 5 out of 5]

The Root of Anger

The one thing that has been holding me back the most from finding my Zen, is my anger. This was an extremely mind opening way to consider the root of anger. It has been impossible & make me feel horrible thinking that anger was unnatural and repressible. It's about showing down and getting in touch with our deepest emotions. I've felt so angry with this unfair world and life, but this has given me hope that there is more than just being angry all the time.

[Eva · Rating 3 out of 5]

3 ★

German review
(English review below!)

Ich bin sehr dankbar dafür, dass dieses Buch nicht länger ist als nötig. Ich war sehr interessant mehr über Wut zu erfahren und ich denke, es ist hilfreich um sich mit seiner eigenen Wut auseinanderzusetzen und diese evtl. besser zu kontrollieren. Allerdings bin ich noch nicht überzeugt davon, dass die dargestellte Technik in einer alltäglichen Streitsituation umsetzbar ist.

English review

I'm very grateful that this book is not longer than it needs to be. It was very interesting to learn more about anger, and I think it's helpful for the reader to explore their own anger and perhaps try to control it better. However, I'm still not convinced that the technique presented is realizable in an everyday argument.