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Daily Wisdom for Why Does He Do That?: Encouragement for Women Involved with Angry and Controlling Men
Each new day.
One new meditation.
One new step forward.
Even if you’ve read Why Does He Do That?, it may be hard to see the truth of what is happening to you. You may feel overwhelmed by confusion, loss, and fear, and find yourself looking away from the truth and falling back into traumatic patterns.
What you need is something that is there for you every day—to help you make a long series of little changes that will ultimately add up to a big one.
Like a constant friend, this collection of meditations is a source of strength and reassurance designed to speak to women like you, women in relationships with angry and controlling men. It helps you to digest what is happening a piece at a time, so that you can gain clarity, safety, and freedom.
To learn to value and respect yourself—even when your partner makes it very clear that he does not—each day centers on one of seven themes designed to empower, encourage, and inspire you . . .
Each New Day * Clarity * Your Own Best Friend * Your Relationships * Healing * Guiding Children * Surviving to Thrive
You will see the truth in your destructive relationship.
You and your children will survive.
And—with these encouragements—even tomorrow will be a better day than today.
From the Trade Paperback edition.
One new meditation.
One new step forward.
Even if you’ve read Why Does He Do That?, it may be hard to see the truth of what is happening to you. You may feel overwhelmed by confusion, loss, and fear, and find yourself looking away from the truth and falling back into traumatic patterns.
What you need is something that is there for you every day—to help you make a long series of little changes that will ultimately add up to a big one.
Like a constant friend, this collection of meditations is a source of strength and reassurance designed to speak to women like you, women in relationships with angry and controlling men. It helps you to digest what is happening a piece at a time, so that you can gain clarity, safety, and freedom.
To learn to value and respect yourself—even when your partner makes it very clear that he does not—each day centers on one of seven themes designed to empower, encourage, and inspire you . . .
Each New Day * Clarity * Your Own Best Friend * Your Relationships * Healing * Guiding Children * Surviving to Thrive
You will see the truth in your destructive relationship.
You and your children will survive.
And—with these encouragements—even tomorrow will be a better day than today.
From the Trade Paperback edition.
456 pages, ebook
First published October 1, 2013
219 people are currently reading
1180 people want to read
About the author
Lundy Bancroft
10 books469 followersLundy Bancroft is an author, workshop leader, and consultant on domestic abuse and child maltreatment. His best known book is Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men (first published in 2002). With 20 years of experience specializing in interventions for abusive men and their families, he is a former co-director of Emerge, the first counseling program in the United States for men who batter. He has worked with abusers directly as an intervention counselor, and has served as clinical supervisor. He has also served extensively as a custody evaluator, child abuse investigator, and expert witness in domestic violence and child abuse cases.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 41 reviews
June 10, 2015
I pre-ordered this book and received it today. Already I was in tears just from the introduction. I was thinking to myself this past week, "Why is this so hard to leave when I see the truth?" The illustration of the rope hit the nail on the head. This book seems to be an encouraging, hope filled, piece of work that I am looking forward to working through one day at a time. Thank you Lundy Bancroft for being willing to encourage those of us is abusive relationships. It gives me the hope to carry on and do the next right thing for myself and my children.
June 18, 2016
An excellent practical guide for those in abusive relationships. It's less clinical and jarring than his first book Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men and likely easier for those in abusive relationships to read. While he doesn't sugar coat things or give false hope, Mr. Bancroft is an empathetic voice and understands the difficulty and plight of those in abusive relationships.
June 25, 2019
Very insightful
This book showed me that I was not alone or crazy. Encouraging words in a difficult situation. Giving the reader support and understanding.
This book showed me that I was not alone or crazy. Encouraging words in a difficult situation. Giving the reader support and understanding.
August 1, 2015
My main "criticism" of Why Does He Do That was that it could be difficult to get through. The subject matter is triggering and heavy, and while the book does a fantastically thorough job, readers may need to take breaks in order to process it. The Daily Wisdom companion is a perfect complement to that. It introduces the main tenets of WDHDT without overwhelming the reader by presenting it in concise, poignant snippets. You can get through the book very quickly and it articulates very important, rewarding principles that will really resonate with someone who is going through abuse, and/or those who love someone who is. I highly recommend this book!
May 15, 2016
I love this guy he totally gets it.
September 23, 2016
Derived from the information contained in Bancroft's other books, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, Should I Stay or Should I Go?: A Guide to Knowing if Your Relationship Can--and Should--be Saved, and When Dad Hurts Mom: Helping Your Children Heal the Wounds of Witnessing Abuse, this book provides a year's worth of daily encouragements and exercises for people living in abusive relationships. Each day of the week has a theme, such as "Guiding Children" and "Clarity." The book can be used in the order it's laid out, or the reader can pick one theme that seems particularly relevant and work through all the entries as a unit.
The nice thing about this book is that it gives the reader a daily dose of reality to counter the distorted view of life s/he gets from the abuser and the inevitable effects of abuse on the psyche.
Hint: If you are afraid to buy this book because you think your abuser might find it, consider the audio book. You can listen to it on your phone or an mp3 player and it's much easier to hide. Just a thought.
For people who want to support a person in an abusive relationship, I highly recommend the original Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. It's a trove of information and will help you understand both the abuser's behavior and its effects on his victims.
The nice thing about this book is that it gives the reader a daily dose of reality to counter the distorted view of life s/he gets from the abuser and the inevitable effects of abuse on the psyche.
Hint: If you are afraid to buy this book because you think your abuser might find it, consider the audio book. You can listen to it on your phone or an mp3 player and it's much easier to hide. Just a thought.
For people who want to support a person in an abusive relationship, I highly recommend the original Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. It's a trove of information and will help you understand both the abuser's behavior and its effects on his victims.
May 16, 2018
As a survivor of an abusive relationship, this book has been a tremendous aid for me being able to move on from my abuser. It helped me see that I do have a future outside of the abuse I endured and contrary to what I was led to believe, that I can go on without him. It was a difficult read and I had to stop many times, but aside from learning very valuable things, there were very comforting reminders that I do deserve more than what I'm getting. Some of the segments didn't apply to me as they were about if you had children, but I found that they were still useful to read. I would most definitely recommend this to others who have gone through damaging relationships alongside the preceding book, Why Does He Do That?
November 16, 2015
This is a great read with helpful advice not just for women in abusive or manipulative relationships, but all women. Each reading can be used as a tool for facing, understanding and potentially improving various areas of a relationship. While it recalls abusive patterns, types of abusers and other content from the original book, you don't have to have read Why Does He Do That? to benefit from this companion.
May 5, 2022
First of all: one must be very clear about differentiating what this is and what it isn't; for it can make a great difference in assessing how useful or rubbish it all is.
What it is, is a manual of sorts to empower women trapped in an abusive relationship where the abuse is verbal and emotional that is, about coercive control. It's not a book that purports to nudge you towards staying or leaving, nor does it contains instructions about how you should (or not) go on about your relationship, no matter how toxic. Since it's about empowerment, these are, indeed, choices that will belong to you, and you only. The author is very clear: it's about offering clarity, helping you to understand what, exactly, is happening to you (get that you are, indeed, being abused even if you are not physically hit -most abusive relationships do not involve physical violence...) and what you can do to find coping mechanisms of some sorts, not only for you, but, also, to help the children, also trapped in-between, to go through it all.
The coping mechanisms are also healthy, and straightforward. For example, he does not condone the denigration of an abusive father, to his children, by an abused mother. An abused mother is here to offer a counter-example to the abusive behaviours of her partner, and make sure that the children are safe -not to undermine a father's relationship with his own kids (again: how such relationship will build up is his own choice, not yours). Most importantly, he does not condone retaliation. It's a common trope among neo-feminists indeed that, in such relationships, female perpetrated violence should be perceived as of lesser importance since it's merely 'reactive', or 'self-defence'. It's everything but. Here are behaviours which are, also, abusive; and, again, if children are trapped in-between, it is a form of violence which will also affect them, and as damagingly. Put bluntly, her 'I did that because he did...' is as poisonous and dangerous as his 'I did that because she did...' -we ought to bear that in mind.
Is it useful, then?
Personally, as a man who went through such abuse (but perpetrated by a woman), I found it so (although I got this years after my relationship ended). I have been writing a book on domestic violence too, and I had other men, who contacted me to share their experiences about being in abusive relationships with controlling, manipulative, coercive, aggressive women, who also reported that the book had helped them to make sense of it all. So, would I recommend it? Yes, but...
But... If you are a man, you will have to read it by swapping gender. Lundy Bancroft, indeed, abides to what has been dubbed the 'feminist' view of domestic violence that is, that it's rooted in the patriarchy and men wanting to exert authority into their household as they had in society at large. As such, domestic violence is perceived as being a 'gendered crime', where most victims are women and perpetrators are men. This view, though, is also bogus.
Outside women organisations and their self-financed and self-interested studies, it has, in fact, been debunked time and again over the past five decades: 1 man out of 6 reports experiencing domestic abuse (against 1 woman out of 4), 40% of reported victims are men, who are, also, twice less likely to report, half of those seeking help through male helplines, for example, confessing to not seeking help otherwise due to fear, taboo, and stigma (a bigger share even expresses suicide ideation...). This is not a gender issue! As a matter of fact, and, again, outside women organisations relying on self-financed studies (and the mass medias echoing such lobbies) it never was: in the first women shelter ever opened (1971, London) 62 women out of 100 were also abusive themselves (just google 'Erin Pizzey', and see what had happened to her to understand why we are where we are now...).
That the author would takes such bias could be half understandable. He works with relationships where the abuse is unilateral (or perceived as so), perpetrated by a man against a woman. Yet, again, it has been proven that as many relationships involve, in fact, a woman only abusing a man; besides most abusive relationships involving so-called 'bidirectional abuse' (a dynamic where the abuse is mutual, partners abusing each other as much as each other, aggressively and defensively). As such, then, his is a bit like a doctor specialising in breast cancer, not seeing that much patients with prostate cancer in his clinic, and, so, concluding thereof that prostate cancer must be very rare indeed! It's a fallacy and a bias, but which greatly matters here too: claiming that abusive men abuse out of a sense of patriarchal entitlement is bogus. There are a multitude of reasons for why abusive people do what they do, but framing 'male authority in a household' is not it (the utter failure of the Duluth model, still widely used due to this bogus paradigm -and, I suspect, that the author use in his work- should be telling enough...). This book, then, will not help you in understanding why your abuser (if a man) is how he is! Beware.
Having said that, because the author is very helpful in pointing what coercive control is, because he is insistent about staying clear from abusive behaviours as a form of retaliation, and because he is concerned, also, about the children trapped in-between, I am ok to recommend it -both to women, and, again, men themselves. It purports to offer clarity and coping mechanisms -it does so. Its underpinning ideology, though, cannot be ignored, especially since it is targeted at abused women. Domestic violence is not patriarchal, and it is not gendered. In other words: if you are a woman who wants an understanding of your abusive male partner, then don't buy this.
What it is, is a manual of sorts to empower women trapped in an abusive relationship where the abuse is verbal and emotional that is, about coercive control. It's not a book that purports to nudge you towards staying or leaving, nor does it contains instructions about how you should (or not) go on about your relationship, no matter how toxic. Since it's about empowerment, these are, indeed, choices that will belong to you, and you only. The author is very clear: it's about offering clarity, helping you to understand what, exactly, is happening to you (get that you are, indeed, being abused even if you are not physically hit -most abusive relationships do not involve physical violence...) and what you can do to find coping mechanisms of some sorts, not only for you, but, also, to help the children, also trapped in-between, to go through it all.
The coping mechanisms are also healthy, and straightforward. For example, he does not condone the denigration of an abusive father, to his children, by an abused mother. An abused mother is here to offer a counter-example to the abusive behaviours of her partner, and make sure that the children are safe -not to undermine a father's relationship with his own kids (again: how such relationship will build up is his own choice, not yours). Most importantly, he does not condone retaliation. It's a common trope among neo-feminists indeed that, in such relationships, female perpetrated violence should be perceived as of lesser importance since it's merely 'reactive', or 'self-defence'. It's everything but. Here are behaviours which are, also, abusive; and, again, if children are trapped in-between, it is a form of violence which will also affect them, and as damagingly. Put bluntly, her 'I did that because he did...' is as poisonous and dangerous as his 'I did that because she did...' -we ought to bear that in mind.
Is it useful, then?
Personally, as a man who went through such abuse (but perpetrated by a woman), I found it so (although I got this years after my relationship ended). I have been writing a book on domestic violence too, and I had other men, who contacted me to share their experiences about being in abusive relationships with controlling, manipulative, coercive, aggressive women, who also reported that the book had helped them to make sense of it all. So, would I recommend it? Yes, but...
But... If you are a man, you will have to read it by swapping gender. Lundy Bancroft, indeed, abides to what has been dubbed the 'feminist' view of domestic violence that is, that it's rooted in the patriarchy and men wanting to exert authority into their household as they had in society at large. As such, domestic violence is perceived as being a 'gendered crime', where most victims are women and perpetrators are men. This view, though, is also bogus.
Outside women organisations and their self-financed and self-interested studies, it has, in fact, been debunked time and again over the past five decades: 1 man out of 6 reports experiencing domestic abuse (against 1 woman out of 4), 40% of reported victims are men, who are, also, twice less likely to report, half of those seeking help through male helplines, for example, confessing to not seeking help otherwise due to fear, taboo, and stigma (a bigger share even expresses suicide ideation...). This is not a gender issue! As a matter of fact, and, again, outside women organisations relying on self-financed studies (and the mass medias echoing such lobbies) it never was: in the first women shelter ever opened (1971, London) 62 women out of 100 were also abusive themselves (just google 'Erin Pizzey', and see what had happened to her to understand why we are where we are now...).
That the author would takes such bias could be half understandable. He works with relationships where the abuse is unilateral (or perceived as so), perpetrated by a man against a woman. Yet, again, it has been proven that as many relationships involve, in fact, a woman only abusing a man; besides most abusive relationships involving so-called 'bidirectional abuse' (a dynamic where the abuse is mutual, partners abusing each other as much as each other, aggressively and defensively). As such, then, his is a bit like a doctor specialising in breast cancer, not seeing that much patients with prostate cancer in his clinic, and, so, concluding thereof that prostate cancer must be very rare indeed! It's a fallacy and a bias, but which greatly matters here too: claiming that abusive men abuse out of a sense of patriarchal entitlement is bogus. There are a multitude of reasons for why abusive people do what they do, but framing 'male authority in a household' is not it (the utter failure of the Duluth model, still widely used due to this bogus paradigm -and, I suspect, that the author use in his work- should be telling enough...). This book, then, will not help you in understanding why your abuser (if a man) is how he is! Beware.
Having said that, because the author is very helpful in pointing what coercive control is, because he is insistent about staying clear from abusive behaviours as a form of retaliation, and because he is concerned, also, about the children trapped in-between, I am ok to recommend it -both to women, and, again, men themselves. It purports to offer clarity and coping mechanisms -it does so. Its underpinning ideology, though, cannot be ignored, especially since it is targeted at abused women. Domestic violence is not patriarchal, and it is not gendered. In other words: if you are a woman who wants an understanding of your abusive male partner, then don't buy this.
July 15, 2015
A godsend.....
Having read "Why Does He Do That?" I was hopeful this would contain more insight and support that I desperately needed. This did not disappoint. I will definitely be rereading this. Lundy Bancroft you are wonderful. Thanks so much for your wisdom and understanding. Your patience and acceptance shine through in your writing and truly moved me.
Having read "Why Does He Do That?" I was hopeful this would contain more insight and support that I desperately needed. This did not disappoint. I will definitely be rereading this. Lundy Bancroft you are wonderful. Thanks so much for your wisdom and understanding. Your patience and acceptance shine through in your writing and truly moved me.
January 17, 2020
Helpful and supportive
I read the first book which was incredibly informative. Decided to read this one and found it supportive. This author understands things women go through more than any of the tons of counselors I have been to.
I read the first book which was incredibly informative. Decided to read this one and found it supportive. This author understands things women go through more than any of the tons of counselors I have been to.
February 10, 2019
Very helpful and empowering for me. We often find ourselves thinking abuse is only physical but this book helps you see that it really is so much more than that and it is ALWAYS wrong!
April 3, 2022
Daily Wisdom for Why Does He Do That? (Lundy Bancroft)
There is no justification for name-calling, using gross language, making fun of you, humiliating you, or putting you down. No reason is good enough. Period.
Brainwashing people while they are isolated works.
Second, start a journal, to help you keep your thoughts clear and to give you a record to check your memory against when he tells you that you are remembering things wrong.
If your relatives—and the same goes for your friends—are any source of strength to you, fight like hell to protect those relationships.
He focuses so much on people’s faults, sending the message that you and the children need to be rescued from turning out hopelessly flawed. He wants to remodel all of you into something that he considers good enough.
“What will most influence how my children turn out is my love, patience, and respect.”
all of the money coming into the household belongs to both of you. You earned that money just as much as he did.
The solution is to start keeping a record in your journal of every time his behavior gets nasty or rejecting. Begin over the next few days by writing down every incident you can remember when he has hurt you, verbally, physically, or sexually. You
He’s gotten a lot from you. You have given him love, affection, support, companionship.
do her share of the talking.
If you are upset with your friend, tell her what she did that you didn’t like, without insulting her. Tell her what you need her to do to set it right, such as apologizing or fixing a problem she created, and state what you would like her to do differently in the future. Finally, show her that you still care about her even though you’re upset with her. Love should be unconditional. You’ll notice that I have been talking about a conflict with a friend (or a relative, or your child). That’s where these
Move toward economic self-sufficiency. Have a separate bank account. Keep some money hidden away that your partner doesn’t know about. Plan a job future for yourself, including taking a training or degree program. Learn about personal money management. (See “Resources” at LundyBancroft.com, under “Economic Empowerment.”)
“I need to be more independent whether I stay with him or not.”
“I have every right to disagree with him, even if it turns out I’m wrong. That doesn’t give him any right to abuse me.”
“I can’t make him change; he’ll only change if he decides to do the work.”
Be polite, but stop having a lot of conversation, stop having sex with him, and don’t look to him for support.
Second, he’s jealous of the kind of relationship you have with the children. But he’s also entitled and lazy, so he doesn’t want to do the work of building that kind of closeness with them himself.
The mice who were rewarded unpredictably actually worked much harder at pushing the bar than the ones who received a morsel reliably each time they did it.
we are missing the oldest route to emotional wellness: deep crying. There is no more effective painkiller on the earth, and that’s what it’s there for.
“I have a choice about how I behave, no matter how emotional I get.”
Slowing down your breathing is key to calming yourself.
His vicious words tell you that you are beneath him. He sends the message that you have no value.
isolation is your worst enemy.
After you write these accurate statements about yourself (and hide them if you need to), practice saying them aloud when he’s not around. Don’t believe what he’s saying about you. Write down what the “real you” is like, and fight to hold on to that.
“Don’t go to bed mad.”
The things that don’t get said can destroy a relationship as much as the things that do get said.
The next time he gets abusive, remind yourself that whatever he’s blaming it on is not the real cause. He was going to explode sooner or later, because he considers it your job to fix life for him.
This might be an important time to write in your journal, take a bath or shower, or go out for a walk to digest these thoughts.
no matter how much he means those promises, he doesn’t keep them?
unless he chooses to participate. No woman is a threat to your relationship; your partner’s lack of commitment and honesty is the threat.
“I want them to be happy.” “I want them to be kind, fair, and respectful in how they treat people.” “I want them to stand up for themselves, for others, and for what’s right.” “I want them to remain emotionally close to their family.” “I want them to be able to take care of themselves.” Isn’t everything else secondary?
if you are more relaxed than when you are with him.
Is he keeping secrets about money from you? Does he keep telling you just to “trust him,” or keep refusing to let you look at financial information? Does he try to convince you that you are stupid or uninformed about financial matters, and that you should leave them to him?
Does he make your life miserable when you spend time with women friends? For example, is he cold or nasty when you come back from going out with people?
Any excuses he comes up with for being mysterious or secretive about financial dealings should make you suspicious.
Control and abuse are the sole responsibility of the person who does them, not a problem between the two members of the couple.
When your partner blames his actions on his anger, remind yourself that he could have expressed it in a healthy way instead.
His behavior and attitudes demonstrate all kinds of ways not to be; he is teaching you about selfishness, about manipulation, about twisting things into their opposites.
https://lundybancroft.com/articles/
There is no justification for name-calling, using gross language, making fun of you, humiliating you, or putting you down. No reason is good enough. Period.
Brainwashing people while they are isolated works.
Second, start a journal, to help you keep your thoughts clear and to give you a record to check your memory against when he tells you that you are remembering things wrong.
If your relatives—and the same goes for your friends—are any source of strength to you, fight like hell to protect those relationships.
He focuses so much on people’s faults, sending the message that you and the children need to be rescued from turning out hopelessly flawed. He wants to remodel all of you into something that he considers good enough.
“What will most influence how my children turn out is my love, patience, and respect.”
all of the money coming into the household belongs to both of you. You earned that money just as much as he did.
The solution is to start keeping a record in your journal of every time his behavior gets nasty or rejecting. Begin over the next few days by writing down every incident you can remember when he has hurt you, verbally, physically, or sexually. You
He’s gotten a lot from you. You have given him love, affection, support, companionship.
do her share of the talking.
If you are upset with your friend, tell her what she did that you didn’t like, without insulting her. Tell her what you need her to do to set it right, such as apologizing or fixing a problem she created, and state what you would like her to do differently in the future. Finally, show her that you still care about her even though you’re upset with her. Love should be unconditional. You’ll notice that I have been talking about a conflict with a friend (or a relative, or your child). That’s where these
Move toward economic self-sufficiency. Have a separate bank account. Keep some money hidden away that your partner doesn’t know about. Plan a job future for yourself, including taking a training or degree program. Learn about personal money management. (See “Resources” at LundyBancroft.com, under “Economic Empowerment.”)
“I need to be more independent whether I stay with him or not.”
“I have every right to disagree with him, even if it turns out I’m wrong. That doesn’t give him any right to abuse me.”
“I can’t make him change; he’ll only change if he decides to do the work.”
Be polite, but stop having a lot of conversation, stop having sex with him, and don’t look to him for support.
Second, he’s jealous of the kind of relationship you have with the children. But he’s also entitled and lazy, so he doesn’t want to do the work of building that kind of closeness with them himself.
The mice who were rewarded unpredictably actually worked much harder at pushing the bar than the ones who received a morsel reliably each time they did it.
we are missing the oldest route to emotional wellness: deep crying. There is no more effective painkiller on the earth, and that’s what it’s there for.
“I have a choice about how I behave, no matter how emotional I get.”
Slowing down your breathing is key to calming yourself.
His vicious words tell you that you are beneath him. He sends the message that you have no value.
isolation is your worst enemy.
After you write these accurate statements about yourself (and hide them if you need to), practice saying them aloud when he’s not around. Don’t believe what he’s saying about you. Write down what the “real you” is like, and fight to hold on to that.
“Don’t go to bed mad.”
The things that don’t get said can destroy a relationship as much as the things that do get said.
The next time he gets abusive, remind yourself that whatever he’s blaming it on is not the real cause. He was going to explode sooner or later, because he considers it your job to fix life for him.
This might be an important time to write in your journal, take a bath or shower, or go out for a walk to digest these thoughts.
no matter how much he means those promises, he doesn’t keep them?
unless he chooses to participate. No woman is a threat to your relationship; your partner’s lack of commitment and honesty is the threat.
“I want them to be happy.” “I want them to be kind, fair, and respectful in how they treat people.” “I want them to stand up for themselves, for others, and for what’s right.” “I want them to remain emotionally close to their family.” “I want them to be able to take care of themselves.” Isn’t everything else secondary?
if you are more relaxed than when you are with him.
Is he keeping secrets about money from you? Does he keep telling you just to “trust him,” or keep refusing to let you look at financial information? Does he try to convince you that you are stupid or uninformed about financial matters, and that you should leave them to him?
Does he make your life miserable when you spend time with women friends? For example, is he cold or nasty when you come back from going out with people?
Any excuses he comes up with for being mysterious or secretive about financial dealings should make you suspicious.
Control and abuse are the sole responsibility of the person who does them, not a problem between the two members of the couple.
When your partner blames his actions on his anger, remind yourself that he could have expressed it in a healthy way instead.
His behavior and attitudes demonstrate all kinds of ways not to be; he is teaching you about selfishness, about manipulation, about twisting things into their opposites.
https://lundybancroft.com/articles/
June 27, 2015
A great companion to "Why Does He Do That?" or effective on its own, this book is full of page long readings to help you reframe your abuser's actions and to help you find ways to cope. A daily dose of encouragement may be all you need. I keep a copy in the bathroom and read from it "when I have a chance".
February 24, 2019
I got this book from the library, so I read it straight through instead of the recommended page a day. It’s for women who are still in a relationship with an abuser, and I’ve left mine. Perhaps for these reasons, I didn’t find it as spot on as the other Lundy Bancroft book I read. Still, some of the observations and resources make this book worthwhile.
September 21, 2014
This book is great for anyone who has suffered through domestic violence, or was raised in a battered home .. Very well written self help book
November 23, 2020
Bite-size nuggets of wisdom and help to pick you up and help you through your day. Makes your day doable in the middle of domestic abuse or leaving domestic abuse.
June 8, 2023
The most valuable books I have ever owned. Read his 1st book in secret probably hundreds of times over before asking for help. Lundy Bancroft's years of research (primarily his 1st book) saved my life. If I had not been given his book by a college girlfriend, I wouldn't have asked for help or told the secret only my GP/counsellor knew. The info re the legal system was my experience, severe but similar to so many other women, as well.
If I could give a warning to any other female I would tell them it starts with bizarre scary jealousy, accusations of cheating, insane need for control, spyware/digital monitoring paired with abuse which gets more severe over time (physical, financial, emotional, sexual), limiting access to money, monitoring all communication, pressure to leave your job, isolating you, restricting access to information, and enforcing rules with punishments. Digital monitoring is big. I got a new phone or tablet often, all set up but with spyware/keyloggers/trackers whereas I had never seen his phone or allowed to see it. I didn't know until later, the monitoring went on for years after separation. I would just toss phones out the window, why someone felt the need to watch me when I never left home. Always the same, accused of imaginary affair - silent treatments for days - then strangled, smothered or hit, then shutting off accounts and leaving as further punishment until I apologized or begged for something I didn't do.
I became agoraphobic for several years and extremely anxious requiring treatment. One friend wouldnt have him at her wedding because of his behaviour, another's husband called to ask him why he was so psychotically accusatory. Others saw over the years, tried to warn me or intervene but I stayed. Worst times of my entire life.
If you hear any hint a man has ever hurt another woman, do not dismiss it based on anything he says, as these men lie about absolutely everything. I am grateful for the last affair partner my abuser had - if it weren't for her he would still be focused on hurting me. I was able to completely leave, start a new life and be safe with my children. I tried to warn her once on the phone but she wouldn't listen. I also tried to save her during a taped assault.
I believe now that abusive men are addicts. Addicted to lying, to sex (no was never something I was allowed, forced to do it whenever, there is no "no" or I don't feel like it), to cheating, to drinking, to smoking, to control (always needing more, abusive men move a millimeter at a time until you're too deep into it and find you don't know what to do anymore)
There is always much more to any story - and especially information that all abusive men hide from others to protect their reputations. Please, find every piece of information out, on your own. They do repeat patterns so keep yourself completely informed, and safe. I recommend all of his work.
The worst happened after I left but I would have been hurt a lot more if there was not a new focus. Neglectful beyond belief parent to my kids anyway (only an emoji pillow for xmas, one stuffy and goldfish crackers in 6 yrs, zero child support for either child, no acknowledgement of any updates/accomplishments and often didn't show up). Just a deceitful, vile and cruelly punishing individual. He even wrote in some of the divorce files (public but only if requested files) that I was lying and working as a prostitute (instead of a Registered Nurse).
I had already sustained a massive open head wound from physical abuse, stripped, put in a bathtub, head bandaged with maxi pads, threatened if I told I would lose my children, laid on a garbage bag on a pillow and left for hours unconscious. I only remember a flashlight shone in my eyes every so often asking me their names and the date and then back into unconsciousness. I treated the wound myself but my parents saw it as did my daughter. I was scared out of my mind.
2 years earlier he wrote me a letter at a counselling weekend we went to in hopes of stopping his abuse of me. After dancing to Chantal Kreviazuk Feels like Home - a bs exercise as I ended up injured again, him admitting in a group of couples he is a batterer, he wrote "I'm sorry for the anger, abuse, and the irresponsible use of alcohol. I am sorry for having hit you the two times I recall and a third you unfortunately had to tell me I did. I'm sorry for being such a bad husband to you. I commit to you safety. I'm sorry". Grace Cirocco money grab course never saved me. Her addressing him with "if you hit her again you will be in jail", me begging him to stop, me finally eating something for once after I believed him again. But when I told, he gathered a group to disbelieve, bully me and lied. Not one helped me or my kids. All this just to snag a new victim and unsuspecting family. It's all a lie. These men are sick.
After that there was more apologies, then the jealousy started again., my little girl held over a sink a can of paint thinner threatened to be poured over her skin and I intervened, and he used the authorities against me. I stayed silent. I only talked when my doctor noticed me covered in bruises but declined help.
After separation I was threatened, raped (I hid a phone which recorded it - crying hysterically throughout begging him to stop my scrubs left bloody as the threats to harm me and the kids continued), extorted into sending intimate photos/videos of myself so the kids would stay safe - he played them in court which caused me to me to come close twice to ending my life I was so traumatized. Major legal abuse for years. He publicly shamed me (even after his jail time served on weekends or intermittent days during the week, a year+ probation and PAR counselling)via two major radio & print campaigns naming himself as the victim and requiring service animals and then scared me to the point my hair fell out, I collapsed in a hallway at work, heart issues and hospitalization. My abuser lied to every single person he knows for over 10 yrs now. I have managed to keep a quiet understated life for a long while. I don't have social media and my circle is small. He still monitors my phone. After I deleted it all he probably copied me saying he's a victim of something like he copied my trauma or how he copies others stories or just makes it up. He's a full blown psychopath.
Still a lot of trauma but his work is very truthful and helpful for insight. Thank you so very much, for all your books, your blog. Thank you.
If I could give a warning to any other female I would tell them it starts with bizarre scary jealousy, accusations of cheating, insane need for control, spyware/digital monitoring paired with abuse which gets more severe over time (physical, financial, emotional, sexual), limiting access to money, monitoring all communication, pressure to leave your job, isolating you, restricting access to information, and enforcing rules with punishments. Digital monitoring is big. I got a new phone or tablet often, all set up but with spyware/keyloggers/trackers whereas I had never seen his phone or allowed to see it. I didn't know until later, the monitoring went on for years after separation. I would just toss phones out the window, why someone felt the need to watch me when I never left home. Always the same, accused of imaginary affair - silent treatments for days - then strangled, smothered or hit, then shutting off accounts and leaving as further punishment until I apologized or begged for something I didn't do.
I became agoraphobic for several years and extremely anxious requiring treatment. One friend wouldnt have him at her wedding because of his behaviour, another's husband called to ask him why he was so psychotically accusatory. Others saw over the years, tried to warn me or intervene but I stayed. Worst times of my entire life.
If you hear any hint a man has ever hurt another woman, do not dismiss it based on anything he says, as these men lie about absolutely everything. I am grateful for the last affair partner my abuser had - if it weren't for her he would still be focused on hurting me. I was able to completely leave, start a new life and be safe with my children. I tried to warn her once on the phone but she wouldn't listen. I also tried to save her during a taped assault.
I believe now that abusive men are addicts. Addicted to lying, to sex (no was never something I was allowed, forced to do it whenever, there is no "no" or I don't feel like it), to cheating, to drinking, to smoking, to control (always needing more, abusive men move a millimeter at a time until you're too deep into it and find you don't know what to do anymore)
There is always much more to any story - and especially information that all abusive men hide from others to protect their reputations. Please, find every piece of information out, on your own. They do repeat patterns so keep yourself completely informed, and safe. I recommend all of his work.
The worst happened after I left but I would have been hurt a lot more if there was not a new focus. Neglectful beyond belief parent to my kids anyway (only an emoji pillow for xmas, one stuffy and goldfish crackers in 6 yrs, zero child support for either child, no acknowledgement of any updates/accomplishments and often didn't show up). Just a deceitful, vile and cruelly punishing individual. He even wrote in some of the divorce files (public but only if requested files) that I was lying and working as a prostitute (instead of a Registered Nurse).
I had already sustained a massive open head wound from physical abuse, stripped, put in a bathtub, head bandaged with maxi pads, threatened if I told I would lose my children, laid on a garbage bag on a pillow and left for hours unconscious. I only remember a flashlight shone in my eyes every so often asking me their names and the date and then back into unconsciousness. I treated the wound myself but my parents saw it as did my daughter. I was scared out of my mind.
2 years earlier he wrote me a letter at a counselling weekend we went to in hopes of stopping his abuse of me. After dancing to Chantal Kreviazuk Feels like Home - a bs exercise as I ended up injured again, him admitting in a group of couples he is a batterer, he wrote "I'm sorry for the anger, abuse, and the irresponsible use of alcohol. I am sorry for having hit you the two times I recall and a third you unfortunately had to tell me I did. I'm sorry for being such a bad husband to you. I commit to you safety. I'm sorry". Grace Cirocco money grab course never saved me. Her addressing him with "if you hit her again you will be in jail", me begging him to stop, me finally eating something for once after I believed him again. But when I told, he gathered a group to disbelieve, bully me and lied. Not one helped me or my kids. All this just to snag a new victim and unsuspecting family. It's all a lie. These men are sick.
After that there was more apologies, then the jealousy started again., my little girl held over a sink a can of paint thinner threatened to be poured over her skin and I intervened, and he used the authorities against me. I stayed silent. I only talked when my doctor noticed me covered in bruises but declined help.
After separation I was threatened, raped (I hid a phone which recorded it - crying hysterically throughout begging him to stop my scrubs left bloody as the threats to harm me and the kids continued), extorted into sending intimate photos/videos of myself so the kids would stay safe - he played them in court which caused me to me to come close twice to ending my life I was so traumatized. Major legal abuse for years. He publicly shamed me (even after his jail time served on weekends or intermittent days during the week, a year+ probation and PAR counselling)via two major radio & print campaigns naming himself as the victim and requiring service animals and then scared me to the point my hair fell out, I collapsed in a hallway at work, heart issues and hospitalization. My abuser lied to every single person he knows for over 10 yrs now. I have managed to keep a quiet understated life for a long while. I don't have social media and my circle is small. He still monitors my phone. After I deleted it all he probably copied me saying he's a victim of something like he copied my trauma or how he copies others stories or just makes it up. He's a full blown psychopath.
Still a lot of trauma but his work is very truthful and helpful for insight. Thank you so very much, for all your books, your blog. Thank you.
July 30, 2020
I thought I had reserved Why Does He Do that?, the actual book, from the library. So, I was confused when I began to read this to discover that it was broken into little segments to be read, daily. Which was disappointing and I kept thinking, this would be so much more useful to me, now, as a book. I thought it was a book? Well, I've finally figured out that I had the wrong book, there is an entire book, written by this same author; I accidentally reserved the Daily Wisdom version. I'm heading to the library, tomorrow, to return this version. I'm eager to read the actual book, which I'm certain will be amazing, as the "Daily Wisdoms" I've been reading, so far, are spot on. The books should have different covers, or something to distinguish them better. The covers are the same on both.
The main thing bothering me with the "Daily Wisdom" version is that it's obviously written for women currently involved/stuck in an abusive relationship. You would have to hide this book, and it's meant to be read, in bits, daily. It feels dangerous to me. I would have, in that case, stopped by the library, each day, to read the next bit, instead of risking to have it in my home. Although, it is extremely supportive and encouraging. The thought of someone being caught, reading this, is stressing me out entirely. Back to the library!
The main thing bothering me with the "Daily Wisdom" version is that it's obviously written for women currently involved/stuck in an abusive relationship. You would have to hide this book, and it's meant to be read, in bits, daily. It feels dangerous to me. I would have, in that case, stopped by the library, each day, to read the next bit, instead of risking to have it in my home. Although, it is extremely supportive and encouraging. The thought of someone being caught, reading this, is stressing me out entirely. Back to the library!
December 3, 2024
I thought I would never finished this book even after my brain refused to read anymore so had to listen an audio. Even that, still want to not read no more. I will be realistic, after half of this 444 pages there’s some help, but redundant. Many helpful tips but pages 380 to the last pages has great tips. I mean if half these pages something did not click, somewhere no wisdom was found on this book. The national domestic hotline on the resources are helpful for people abused 1-800-799-7233
Rape, abuse, and incest national network hotline 1-800-656-4673
National suicide prevention lifeline
1-800-273-8255
Like that it touch many bases including that the female can be an abuser.
Stay strong and kind. Reminds me of the Pastor that was a guest speaker for church. That everyone has a sad story and someone might cry if you tell the truth. But let’s be honest when there is no hope found we call Jesus Christ for help not man. We call out “ABBA, Father” when we really need to have a good cry.
Understanding traumatic attachment a great reminder. People thought Christ doesn’t have any boundaries, but Christ can’t accept a sinful man to be who he or she is unless they change.
Rape, abuse, and incest national network hotline 1-800-656-4673
National suicide prevention lifeline
1-800-273-8255
Like that it touch many bases including that the female can be an abuser.
Stay strong and kind. Reminds me of the Pastor that was a guest speaker for church. That everyone has a sad story and someone might cry if you tell the truth. But let’s be honest when there is no hope found we call Jesus Christ for help not man. We call out “ABBA, Father” when we really need to have a good cry.
Understanding traumatic attachment a great reminder. People thought Christ doesn’t have any boundaries, but Christ can’t accept a sinful man to be who he or she is unless they change.
May 3, 2024
While this Daily Wisdom by Lundy Bancroft is short daily bites, meditations and encouragement for the abused, I will say I enjoyed the unvarnished, hard hitting original of Why Does He Do That? One of the reasons emotional abuse is so insidious is because it's so confusing. A few good days mixed in with bad has you thinking it's surely normal. When all the blame is placed squarely on you by the machinations of a partner, you begin to believe you're at fault. Lundy Bancroft's books have opened my eyes to what defines abuse. I felt like he was writing about my life & had seen it firsthand. No matter what book of his you choose it will help you believe in yourself again. This Daily Wisdom doles it out in small digestible bites. But if you can stomach the hard-hitting version of Why Does He Do That, I'd suggest that first.
March 13, 2023
I’m well past this phase, but I checked this out mainly out of curiosity as to how the content would work for daily readings. I had thought maybe it would be like his first book, but just selections for each day. It’s not. Bancroft really wrote this for women who are still stuck. I skimmed through it, mainly flipping to sections that interested me. I can definitely see how it could be a helpful resource for women trying to gain courage.
August 3, 2018
As a man, I was curious in knowing and understanding about the psychology of why some men behave the way they do, including myself. And yes lot of what's mentioned in this book is true. However I was just left with sadness after reading this book, as there was not even a single page of positive statements about men.
May 30, 2023
The author gets it. The patterns, the consequences, the conflictedness, the trauma-bonds... Everything.
He writes about men, but oh, how I wish someone had given me this when I was a teen (my mother was abusive). There's very little in it that is not applicable to other abusive relationships as well.
He writes about men, but oh, how I wish someone had given me this when I was a teen (my mother was abusive). There's very little in it that is not applicable to other abusive relationships as well.
March 10, 2024
If you are in an abusive relationship, this book is like a friend holding your hand, telling you what you need to hear in the gentlest way possible. These are the truths you need to hear and to know amidst the brainwashing and confusion you're living. I highly recommend this book. I know I will be reading and re-reading this book.
October 19, 2022
This is a great book for anyone that knows anyone or might know anyone or is in a difficult relationship. It has a great list of things to teach your children. It has great support and ideas and answers to all the questions.
July 3, 2023
I did not feel aligned with the author's opinions at many times. There was a lot of blame game, way too fast and in my opinion she is chasing/pushing a christian perfect situation standard, which is just not feasible in this year and day.
March 11, 2022
Definitely gives you a different perspective on a variety of relationships I like how factual it is giving examples of different relationship dynamics
November 21, 2022
This book is full of such good information. I think this is an important read for anyone who is in a difficult relationship or knows someone who is.
May 3, 2023
The book is really intense and eye opening.
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