I Always Want to Be Where I'm Not: Successful Living with ADD and ADHD

by Wes Crenshaw

Wes Crenshaw, PhD, Board Certified Couples and Family Psychologist (ABPP), offers thirteen principles for living with ADD and ADHD drawn from twenty-two years of experience and 23,000 hours of clinical conversation. Written in an entertaining, conversational style for readers aged fifteen and up, Dr. Wes pulls no punches in confronting the cognitive, social, emotional, and academic pitfalls people with ADD face every day. He also helps families, friends, and romantic partners understand a diagnosis of ADD not as an excuse for difficulties, but as a first step on the path to a better tomorrow. Dr. Wes Crenshaw offers thirteen principles for successful living with ADD and ADHD drawn from twenty-two years of experience and 23,000 hours of clinical discussions with hundreds of interesting clients. Written in an entertaining, conversational style for readers aged fifteen to thirty, Dr. Wes pulls no punches in confronting the cognitive, social, emotional, and academic pitfalls people with ADD face every day. He also helps families, friends, and romantic partners understand a diagnosis of ADD not as something to fear or an excuse, but as a first step on the path to a better tomorrow. Dr. Wes's principles include accepting here and now, living intentionally, making mindful decisions, recognizing and taking the right path and not just the easy one, wanting rather than wishing, finding and following life's instructions, managing crises, taking responsibility, attaining character through radical honesty, and creating sustainable happiness through organized thinking and living. Finally, Dr. Wes guides you and your loved ones in how to better manage relationships, seek a good diagnosis, utilize therapy, and become your own expert on medication management.* Have you been diagnosed with ADD or ADHD or do you suspect you should be? Do you really want to start solving your many riddles and living a more successful and productive life? This book is for you. * Does your partner, child, roommate, or friend have ADD? Do you wonder what's going on in his or her head, and you really want to understand the secret code so you can better love him or her? This book is for you.* Are you a little scattered or organizationally challenged? Do you struggle with details, follow-through, or in converting ideas into results? Do your people see you as fun and energetic, but uncommitted and difficult to pin down. Maybe you're an "ADD-leaner." This book is for you.

Genres: Adhd, Nonfiction, Psychology, Self Help, Mental Health, Audiobook, Science

244 pages, Paperback

First published April 29, 2014

Reviews

[Kadin · Rating 2 out of 5]

I liked most of the book, and it was helpful in most areas; however, I found his treatment of Polyamourous people and people who like casual sex to be abhorrent. His limited understanding of the LGBTQ community is obvious. It's very unfortunate that this book is some people's first introduction to the idea of Polyamory. He went on and on about the benefits of Monogamy (most of which aren't things someone has to or should get from a romantic relationship anyway), and only listed Polyamory as an option that's better than cheating for those who can't pull off monogamy because they don't know how to stay in a relationship or they're bad partners. He treats it as the next best thing to monogamy, for those who fail to achieve it, rather than an identity and a way of life for some people. His views on what a relationship should be are also very main stream. Some of them are even harmful.

[Scott Templeman · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is aimed at young adults with ADHD, so I am a tad bit older than the target audience. It is also staunchly in the "always be medicated" camp, which I am not in. That being said, there is a ton of great advice in here for young people struggling with a brain that isn't "normal." There are two key issues which recur during the book: 1. Dr. Wes is rather condescending towards people with ADD regularly. 2. His pharmacentric philosophy is a bit confusing for a psychologist (aka not an MD). Do not expect any scientific justification or citations for various bold claims made throughout. I would like to credit these factors to the fact that he is basing this off of his professional experience as a psychologist, and thus he might just be seeing the extreme cases. All in all I left this book with a reaffirmation of various coping strategies I have accumulated over the years, insight into reoccurring problems I had never associated with ADHD, and a point of reference for my loved ones for how to better cope with my eccentricities. As for the medical advice that was doled out rather heavily and defended poorly from a skeptical perspective, my assessment is that I had already actualized many of Wes' principals organically (and that taking a pill to start thinking differently sounded a whole lot like going against his first point of advice in this book Easy Road = Hard Life).

[Ange · Rating 2 out of 5]

The cis het 'traditional' white male viewpoint completely destroys the value of the theory. The contempt for people who act out in ways that are deemed problematic (including some ~illegal~ or immature behaviours, indicating other untreated psychological symptoms) are dismissed as too difficult for this 'experienced' professional to deal with.
There were some decent bones to some of the theory, but the personality and ego of the writer got in the way. Disappointing.

[Jillian · Rating 1 out of 5]

I listened to this on audible, but I would have liked to have a physical copy just to have the satisfaction of throwing it in the trash. I returned it for the credit.

As pointed out by other reviewers the white cis man who hates polyamory is toxic in his obvious bigotry.

Ultimately, he uses the stories of his patients as seen through his judgmental and arrogant lens, characterises them as immature or lazy and then talks smack about their decision making and challenges.

I’m so glad my treatment team is much more professional and insightful than this out of touch egotist.

If you enjoy ableist sentiments that disparage ADHD people then this is for you. If you like any sort of response that treats the condition with the compassion and understanding it deserves and any validation of the struggles ADHD people face and how to overcome those then find a good book. Which is probably any that aren’t written by this hubristic hack.

[Stephen Gunn · Rating 1 out of 5]

DO NOT READ THIS BOOK. This author is an egomaniacal jerk that will make fun of his clients and make you feel like living with ADD is just an insurmountable, continuous string of egregious, stupid mistakes. Worse, he gives next to no actionable advice for curbing executive function disorders short of “git gud”, and “don’t be so dumb”. He thinks he’s funny, but this publication is far more hurtful than helpful.
Read these authors instead: Russ Barkley or Mark Bertin. Both very compassionate, action oriented, supportive

[Chris James · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is honestly the best book I've found for my particular flavour of ADD (despite Dr. Wes warning that those with Anxiety may not get as much out of it). It's so well told, with a great mix of practical advice and actually helpful anecdotes.

The section on medicine is one that I skipped, yet the rest of it was so good that I cannot help but give it five stars.

[Todd · Rating 2 out of 5]

Definitely not the best ADHD book I've read. I know the author talked about 13 rules, but I honestly can't tell you what they were after finishing the book a couple days ago. I remember some of patient stories he told though, but that is also not helpful...

[Laura Beth · Rating 1 out of 5]

The reading is more staccato than William Shatner's acting voice, very annoying to listen to on an audiobook. The book itself is too long and tedious, too many unhelpful generalizations and not enough actually helpful info.

[Jennifer · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book, while interesting with some tidbits able to be gleaned about ADD issues, was geared much more towards teens and very young adults. Not much useful or applicable for adults.

[Lawana · Rating 5 out of 5]

Life changing!

I have adult ADHD and wasn't diagnosed until my mid 20s. Even after diagnosis and starting medicine (which helped immensely) I was still struggling. I came across this book and got it, and it was abs life changing. It gave me so much more insight to how deeply ADHD has affected my life, in both good and bad ways. I've shared this book with many people (including my own father) and they've also gotten a ton from it. I've always thought my ADHD played a minor role in my mental health, and that depression and anxiety were the bigger culprits for my dysfunction, but I now know that ADHD is the major issue and learning how to manage it with therapy and medication has drastically improved my overall mental health. I no longer feel "broken" or like a failure. I was finally able to graduate college after more than 10 years of struggling through colleges and dropping out. Whether you have severe ADHD/ADD or are a "leaner" yourself, your spouse or child has it, or you just want to know more about ADHD and how it affects someone's life, this book is perfect. Dr. Wes does an amazing job of highlighting the benefits of ADHD and gives great advice and resources for getting the bad parts under control. He helped me come to terms with the fact that I'll have this forever, and that there's no "cure" for it, but it doesn't have to be some terrible thing to live with. I've realized why I've succeeded in the jobs that I have, and feel more positive about myself overall.

[Candy B · Rating 5 out of 5]

Whether you have ADHD, know someone that has it or are interested in just finding ways to improve life and not fall into the dreaded hole of not building solid relationships and enjoying life in a simpler more complicated manner. Each chapter has something to share with the examples and recommendations. It is written in an entertaining, conversational style where he talks about various sessions, issues that are seen and how best to address them or at least acknowledge the elephant in the room.

This was a wonderful book I recommend to all my friends. You'll understand your friends and family better and understand a few things that were not clear before. As I read each chapter little pieces fell into place.

[Andrew's Book Club · Rating 4 out of 5]

I loved the title of this book and the content was equally enthralling.

I have recently taken time out to read the top recommended books on ADHD in a quest to find out whether my distractedness was anything more than a lack of discipline. One of the most interesting things I have learned in my pilgrimage is that ADHD is only partially a study issue. It is something that may impact many facets of a persons life, and often creates a sense of general unsettledness, restlessness, hence the title - I always want to be where I'm not.

Most people do not have clinical ADHD. Most of us just have too much screen-time and lack sleep. But if you have any interest in being more focused. This is a good book

Check it out. I would start with Driven to Distraction, but this was good too.

[Ryan Trimble · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was easy to read and did provide some insight into some of my own idiosyncrasies, but I felt at times that Dr. Crenshaw was a little too disparaging of those with ADHD which may just be a product of the type of patients he sees in his practice. I could see this being very useful for people with ADHD who are struggling with loops of bad relationships, job losses etc., and for family and friends trying to gain a little more insight into the habits of their loved ones. It also shed some light on coping strategies that I didn't even realize I had developed over the course of my life. Ultimately, I think this book just didn't speak much to my particular flavor of ADHD.

[T.M. · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was very helpful to me personally because of the struggle I face daily and the struggle my children have been facing for years. ADHD has a tough stigma to it. Its easy for some to judge. Dr. Wes provided useful tools to work through my issues and through the issues of my children. Sometimes the best gift we can receive is some insight into how to deal with things that cause catastrophic problems. I feel that the most applicable one for me was the principle of being in the present. I now make a conscious effort to do exactly that. Thank you Wes.

[Krysta Richardson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Dear Friends & Family, I'm so sorry for all my chaos.

WOW, where has this book been all my life? As someone diagnosed later in life with ADD, this was so comforting and enlightening to read. There are so many more facets to ADD & ADHD than I ever knew, and this book explained many of them with real-life accounts of Dr. Wes's actual (names changed) ADD/ADHD clients. Highly recommended. Even if you don't have ADD it's very likely that you'll recognize someone you know (and probably never entirely understood) in these pages... in my case, it was me.

[Nia · Rating 5 out of 5]

As someone who is “new” to the world of ADD/ADHD and dealing with a psychiatrist — Dr. Wes is my hero. I’m going through a lot to be properly diagnosed and receive proper care because I keep being told “I think it’s just anxiety.” After reading this book, Dr. Wes outlines ways to see a difference between Anxiety/ADHD and even points out that some of us have BOTH. I finished this book feeling less defeated and more empowered to have better conversations with my psychiatrist.

[Anna Prokofieva · Rating 3 out of 5]

Can't say I loved this book. It did feel like the author had a condescending view towards ADD (kind of like 'of course you're absent minded dear, there there'). I did like the patient stories - I think that did bring the book more to life; but I was looking for something that I could connect to and I didn't feel that in this book. I also thought there may be more strategies or something more helpful to thrive with ADD, but it seemed more like 'take your meds' was the main advice.

[Dana · Rating 4 out of 5]

Was an interesting look into the minds of those with ADD and ADHD. Helped me understand a lot of things about how some of those suffers around me might be thinking in comparison to my own methods and how to help and encourage them in motivating ways.

[Sducasse85 · Rating 4 out of 5]

Really interesting. I'm not sure I have ADD, but I could relate to a lot of what is explained in this book. It helped since it made me more aware of my destructive pattern. If you have a child or a relative who have ADD or ADHD, it can also help you understand them better.

[Silvia · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great information

The author did a great job explaining the what, the why and what to do about it. He was concise, he used entertaining examples, and it was plain he knew what he was talking about. An excellent read!

[Sarah Milner · Rating 4 out of 5]

This isn't an overview of ADHD as much as it is helpful hints for those who know they have it. Some don't enjoy his tone, which I can see; overall, though, I liked his guidance and suggestions. It wasn't quite as thorough as Hallowell's and Ratey's works, but a good addition to it.

[Nate Menia · Rating 4 out of 5]

I have ADHD and this book is about a therapist that works with others that do too.

[Andy Nicholson · Rating 4 out of 5]

Plenty of helpful steps to follow. I find I have forgotten much by the end, so I need to return and extract a precis as a useful template.

[Shawn · Rating 4 out of 5]

Ruthless Truth-Telling

Good advice for anyone, but critical for the ADHD patient. Lost one star because my compensating gift is hypersensitivity to spelling errors and sloppy usage.

[Sara · Rating 1 out of 5]

The only good thing about this book is the title.

[Allie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very helpful in understanding ADHD in adults better.

[Carrie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very excellent book about ADHD. Geared toward teenagers, but I read it as an "adult" and felt very seen. Contains plenty of actionable strategies.

[Pía López Copetti · Rating 1 out of 5]

I may have too much anxious-ADD, but honestly I found this book profoundly distracting.

[Sian · Rating 1 out of 5]

The book itself is ok, but it seems like the author is a bit up himself and lets his ego get in the way of the book. It also drags on forever, repeats itself a lot and includes lots of unnecessary details. Could be helpful if you'd never heard of ADHD before but if you know the basics it's mostly stuff you probably already know, organised in a confusing way. It's also very USA-centric so lots of the medication & hospital/treatment stuff doesn't apply.

[Amanda A McDonald · Rating 5 out of 5]

Give this to someone you love who is struggling

I read this book as an anxious-leaner wanting to understand my son's process. I found hope that he could get a grip on his behavior and begin to fit in. I felt guilty about thinking that his condition was so extreme that he would need medication. Wes Crenshaw made me understand that medication might actually allow my son to realize his behavior and live with intention.