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An Adult Child's Guide to What's Normal
You have begun to deal with the pain and trauma of being raised in a dysfunctional family and now you are ready to lead a healthy life. But:
200 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 1990
23 people are currently reading
897 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 24 of 24 reviews
February 8, 2016
A solid resource for people who have moved far enough along in their healing journey to understand that their recovery is their responsibility but are stuck on what the 'next steps' are.
I appreciated that the authors took such a compassionate approach to the work. I also liked that they used phrases such as 'we struggle with...' indicating that they had not just book learning but firsthand knowledge of the situation. Finally, it was great that the writers took the approach of 'here are some ideas, use what works for you, ignore what doesn't, and use all of it as a springboard to develop your own ideas and strategies along the way'. Rather than taking a didactic, 'you must follow these steps to heal' approach, it is vital that writers of this type of book recognize that abusive situations often leave people feeling helpless and confused. Imposing the will of the writer on the reader in place of that of the abusive parents solves nothing; it only creates dependence on a new source of power. Friel and Friel took the opposite approach, providing a framework in which the reader can work (or ignore) with the freedom for the reader to choose options that work best for her/him, empowering the reader to learn and develop her/his own strengths.
I appreciated that the authors took such a compassionate approach to the work. I also liked that they used phrases such as 'we struggle with...' indicating that they had not just book learning but firsthand knowledge of the situation. Finally, it was great that the writers took the approach of 'here are some ideas, use what works for you, ignore what doesn't, and use all of it as a springboard to develop your own ideas and strategies along the way'. Rather than taking a didactic, 'you must follow these steps to heal' approach, it is vital that writers of this type of book recognize that abusive situations often leave people feeling helpless and confused. Imposing the will of the writer on the reader in place of that of the abusive parents solves nothing; it only creates dependence on a new source of power. Friel and Friel took the opposite approach, providing a framework in which the reader can work (or ignore) with the freedom for the reader to choose options that work best for her/him, empowering the reader to learn and develop her/his own strengths.
November 5, 2015
I would give it 4 ⭐️ but I disliked the religious connection this book had inside.
April 29, 2021
this book was probably the most helpful one out of the others in guidance searching my way out of dysfunctional life.
Although, there were certain points where I did not completely agree with what were stated by the writer in this book, but I decided and made sure to take things in context when reading this one.
Although, there were certain points where I did not completely agree with what were stated by the writer in this book, but I decided and made sure to take things in context when reading this one.
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January 4, 2023"Recovery is truly a gift. It means having humility instead of being a victim. It means being grateful rather than grandiose. Recovery means being powerful and respectful, not cruel.
For many of us, moving towards health feels cruel at first because we never learned the difference between enabling and respectful love as we grew up in our families" (16).
"Expect to feel guilty when you try to set boundaries" (38).
"Healthy play is a celebration of our spirit and our humanity. Play is what helps us to be creative and to solve problems in new and more efficient ways. Play helps us to keep a solid balance in our lives. And play requires that we have a lot of trust in ourselves and in life, because to play we must let go of our tight grip over life for a moment" (71).
"Remember, at some level in our bodies and in our unconscious, we do have awareness of being shamed or abused. It is our job to notice what's going on inside of ourselves. No one can do it for us" (138).
"We suggest that you stop trying to figure out people's motives, stop trying to decide if they're malicious or not and start taking care of yourself" (141).
"Having a clear identity means that we are at relative peace with ourselves, we are comfortable, natural, genuine, clear, honest without being boundaryless, we know when to stand up for ourselves and when to let go, we like who we are, we like what we do, we like how we live, and we have come to this point via a personal search and questioning. In other words, we didn't just fall into this lifestyle by continuing our childhood beliefs and the commands of our parents" (154).
"Some of us who grew up in dysfunctional families, perhaps many of us, never learned any social intelligence. We may have tested IQs of 150 but not know how to carry on a conversation for more than five minutes without boring the other person to death. We may not know what to share, with whom, where or how much" (193).
"A recovering person knows that he or she can't be around unrecovering groups for any length of time, especially if they're family members" (206).
For many of us, moving towards health feels cruel at first because we never learned the difference between enabling and respectful love as we grew up in our families" (16).
"Expect to feel guilty when you try to set boundaries" (38).
"Healthy play is a celebration of our spirit and our humanity. Play is what helps us to be creative and to solve problems in new and more efficient ways. Play helps us to keep a solid balance in our lives. And play requires that we have a lot of trust in ourselves and in life, because to play we must let go of our tight grip over life for a moment" (71).
"Remember, at some level in our bodies and in our unconscious, we do have awareness of being shamed or abused. It is our job to notice what's going on inside of ourselves. No one can do it for us" (138).
"We suggest that you stop trying to figure out people's motives, stop trying to decide if they're malicious or not and start taking care of yourself" (141).
"Having a clear identity means that we are at relative peace with ourselves, we are comfortable, natural, genuine, clear, honest without being boundaryless, we know when to stand up for ourselves and when to let go, we like who we are, we like what we do, we like how we live, and we have come to this point via a personal search and questioning. In other words, we didn't just fall into this lifestyle by continuing our childhood beliefs and the commands of our parents" (154).
"Some of us who grew up in dysfunctional families, perhaps many of us, never learned any social intelligence. We may have tested IQs of 150 but not know how to carry on a conversation for more than five minutes without boring the other person to death. We may not know what to share, with whom, where or how much" (193).
"A recovering person knows that he or she can't be around unrecovering groups for any length of time, especially if they're family members" (206).
February 26, 2019
I want to give this book a higher rating; it isn't even that it isn't a good read, rather I believe I expected too much out of it. I was hoping for something a bit more detailed, to describe the basic fundamentals a lot of children who don't get to live as children never experience. I was hoping, for instance, it would talk about boundaries, trust, etc. But it didn't talk about the topics I really was hoping for; and that's okay, if you are looking for a brief overview of taking control of your life as an adult without the attachment of severe childhood issues governing you, I believe this book would probably be wonderful for you.
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July 29, 2011I read this book and still lack a good sense of what constitutes "normal". Though the book spends a goodly number of pages trying to explain what it is, and that we may well be more "normal" than we think we are, I personally am left with the feeling that I'm not. One of my qualities is an inherent desire for my own individuality; perhaps this book wasn't the best choice.
October 5, 2015
Excellent guide for grownups who suffered abuse as children - a useful tool in learning how to set boundaries, and basically, just learn, what is "normal". When you grow up abused, you don't know if some acts are ok or abusive, and this really helps.
May 22, 2022
One star = "Did not like it". I'm following goodreads star criteria before anyone gets offended.
I scanned this book trying to get an overall idea of it and where it goes. I personally don't think it's useful, and I can't think of anyone I know who also struggles with trauma history who would benefit from this book.
This book feels like a list of things and characteristics without any insight or providing a way to connect the dots between where you are now and how to get to "normal".
It has a very standoffish feel, I feel like I'm in a classroom with a nun talking at me about how I should behave. Or maybe a text written in the 1950s. The standoffishness plus the "we" and "our" is jarring. They say "we" and "our", but I don't feel a connection with the author, instead I feel imposed upon.
I also find it offputting as I'm very different from the author. I can't relate to what they're saying. The "we" is not only an assumption, there are subtle and not so subtle commands written in about how I "should" deport myself, and and frankly all of this crosses a boundary.
Example. Here it talks about emotional needs.
"This includes our need for emotional closeness and sharing, emotional closeness and sharing, emotional intimacy, sharing of feelings and personal things about ourselves; giving and receiving validation of each other; sharing of hopes, dreams, problems, sorrows, joys. Even these more intimate needs can be met in part by people who are not our most intimate friends. We see this happening in healthy 12-step groups, where we share personal things about ourselves but in a safe, limited way. Of course, our deepest emotional needs are most often met by our closest friends, our partner, lover or spouse."
Another list of things ending with "Of course.." Basically here's the tone of the nun instructing you what to do and not to do with the "we don't do these things". Actually I disagree that this is the case with everyone who have a trauma history, I have talked to people who do not have emotional needs met by people "closest" to them, if they are able to form those connections. And this book doesn't seem to provide helpful info on the how of that.
I kinda find the "healthy" 12-step groups comment humorous. So that basically implies there are healthy and unhealthy groups, and hopefully you have the capacity to distinguish between them, or find one. If 12-step groups are something that feels ok, not everyone is comfortable or ok with that platform.
"These needs include simple social interaction, going to parties or get-togethers, small talk, and the easy, less intensive give-and-take that so many of us from dysfunctional families have such a hard time with."
For some, this is the most troubling block, as they can't get past it to actually make friends or get close to people.
This was published in 1990, and thankfully a number of books have come out since which may be more relatable and useful.
I scanned this book trying to get an overall idea of it and where it goes. I personally don't think it's useful, and I can't think of anyone I know who also struggles with trauma history who would benefit from this book.
This book feels like a list of things and characteristics without any insight or providing a way to connect the dots between where you are now and how to get to "normal".
It has a very standoffish feel, I feel like I'm in a classroom with a nun talking at me about how I should behave. Or maybe a text written in the 1950s. The standoffishness plus the "we" and "our" is jarring. They say "we" and "our", but I don't feel a connection with the author, instead I feel imposed upon.
I also find it offputting as I'm very different from the author. I can't relate to what they're saying. The "we" is not only an assumption, there are subtle and not so subtle commands written in about how I "should" deport myself, and and frankly all of this crosses a boundary.
Example. Here it talks about emotional needs.
"This includes our need for emotional closeness and sharing, emotional closeness and sharing, emotional intimacy, sharing of feelings and personal things about ourselves; giving and receiving validation of each other; sharing of hopes, dreams, problems, sorrows, joys. Even these more intimate needs can be met in part by people who are not our most intimate friends. We see this happening in healthy 12-step groups, where we share personal things about ourselves but in a safe, limited way. Of course, our deepest emotional needs are most often met by our closest friends, our partner, lover or spouse."
Another list of things ending with "Of course.." Basically here's the tone of the nun instructing you what to do and not to do with the "we don't do these things". Actually I disagree that this is the case with everyone who have a trauma history, I have talked to people who do not have emotional needs met by people "closest" to them, if they are able to form those connections. And this book doesn't seem to provide helpful info on the how of that.
I kinda find the "healthy" 12-step groups comment humorous. So that basically implies there are healthy and unhealthy groups, and hopefully you have the capacity to distinguish between them, or find one. If 12-step groups are something that feels ok, not everyone is comfortable or ok with that platform.
"These needs include simple social interaction, going to parties or get-togethers, small talk, and the easy, less intensive give-and-take that so many of us from dysfunctional families have such a hard time with."
For some, this is the most troubling block, as they can't get past it to actually make friends or get close to people.
This was published in 1990, and thankfully a number of books have come out since which may be more relatable and useful.
June 24, 2011
Overall, this book was good. It was a fast read and it had some good tips and suggestions. I like that the authors attitude was to take only what works for you out of it and leave the rest. I didn't like that they seemed to think a lot of issues needed "professional" help or therapy, otherwise the issues would never be resolved. I disagree with that. The book was still enlightening and useful for gaining insights into relationships.
March 29, 2015
At times I found it hard to read this book, but that was only because some parts were a bit confronting for me and how I viewed those around me. I was quite surprised by some of the things that were considered dysfunctional but I took the time to reflect on what was relevant to me. All in all I am glad I read this book and its given me a better perspective of how to handle some of lifes challenges.
August 20, 2021
I’m quite happy to know that I am not as crazy as I thought I was. And that I do have boundaries, but just needed some role models to learn how to assert them well.
I’m also happy to have something concrete, almost checklist-like I can come back to maybe once a year. Yes, this kind of thing is subjective, bla bla bla, but there is a line, and I never got to learn it growing up and I needed something precisely like this.
I’m also happy to have something concrete, almost checklist-like I can come back to maybe once a year. Yes, this kind of thing is subjective, bla bla bla, but there is a line, and I never got to learn it growing up and I needed something precisely like this.
June 14, 2013
This book was okay. I think the title is fairly misleading. I'd rename it "Boundaries for people who had dysfunctional childhoods." It has some decent advice and I would definitely recommend it for a client who was in this situation and needed help with boundaries.
March 13, 2014
I wish I'd known about this when I first started my program.....
January 3, 2018
I read/skimmed this on a flight. It was an easy read and gave some good, practical advise/reassurance for handling certain situations with sick family members.
May 18, 2024
Weird. Lots of strange graphs, terms that only the authors use, and references/appeals to God. At best, not helpful; at worst, probably somewhat harmful. And it never answers the implied question in the title.
October 15, 2018
I found the chapters a little disjointed but in general a nice read.
The small stories woven in between the chapters was nice and a practical way to show the lessons.
The small stories woven in between the chapters was nice and a practical way to show the lessons.
March 16, 2020
Some good stuff. Wish it didn't focus on God so much and they really oversimplified victimization/leaving physically abusive relationships. Not the worst book. Not the best.
Want to read
July 28, 2023My cousin-in-law suggested I read this book.
May 12, 2025
this could have been a blog post
July 21, 2025
4.5/5
Extremely useful, and despite some dated references (car phones and answering machines), most of the advice is pretty timeless and still holds up.
Extremely useful, and despite some dated references (car phones and answering machines), most of the advice is pretty timeless and still holds up.
February 22, 2009
Interesting discussions about what is considered "normal" behavior as na adult. However, written by therapists, their solution to most difficulties is "get into therapy".
March 31, 2012
Very informative and an easy read.
January 4, 2015
This is a very helpful reference for dealing with the traps we fall into. However, I had to admit I came from a dysfunctional family, and be in therapy, before the advice made sense.
October 14, 2008
What are boundaries and what are "normal" boundaries. Loved it!
Displaying 1 - 24 of 24 reviews