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The Time in Between: A Memoir of Hunger and Hope
When Nancy Tucker was eight years old, her class had to write about what they wanted in life. She thought, and thought, and then, though she didn’t know why, she wrote: ‘I want to be thin.’
Over the next twelve years, she developed anorexia nervosa, was hospitalised, and finally swung the other way towards bulimia nervosa. She left school, rejoined school; went in and out of therapy; ebbed in and out of life. From the bleak reality of a body breaking down to the electric mental highs of starvation, hers has been a life held in thrall by food.
Told with remarkable insight, dark humour and acute intelligence, The Time in Between is a profound, important window into the workings of an unquiet mind – a Wasted for the 21st century.
Over the next twelve years, she developed anorexia nervosa, was hospitalised, and finally swung the other way towards bulimia nervosa. She left school, rejoined school; went in and out of therapy; ebbed in and out of life. From the bleak reality of a body breaking down to the electric mental highs of starvation, hers has been a life held in thrall by food.
Told with remarkable insight, dark humour and acute intelligence, The Time in Between is a profound, important window into the workings of an unquiet mind – a Wasted for the 21st century.
353 pages, Paperback
First published April 2, 2014
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 127 reviews
August 29, 2016
“By documenting, honestly and unflinchingly, my painful descent into post-anorexia bulimia nervosa, not only have I drained my story-self of all vestiges of secret, but I hope I have communicated the foul reality of eating disorders – the fact that one can so easily morph into another, and that it may be the second which hurls you, broken, to the floor.” —Nancy Tucker
August has been an interesting month because I’ve started quite a few wonderful books, only to discontinue them halfway through. I can be a picky, fickle reader when I have an overabundance of reading material. That’s ironic, isn’t it?
I started Nancy’s memoir at work to get through a slow couple of hours, and was immediately entranced by the rawness of her literary voice. I still find it hard to believe that she was only twenty-one when she penned her memoir. In it she documents her life growing up in a lower middle class, blended family in London. Throughout her childhood, she’s plagued with the need to excel at all things and be perfect. Eventually this perfectionism ideation turns inward, when she realizes that all of her friends are smaller in size when compared to herself.
Nancy doesn’t glamorize her disorder or take the “woe is me” approach. Instead she offers a glimpse into her troubled mind, the voices that propel her to deny her body of nutrients, and the devastating effects this has on herself and those who love her. I especially understood her desire to come to terms with how something as harmless as “the diet” evolved into such a dangerous journey, and how recovery isn’t always linear.
“Recovery is recognising that some things have a place, but most do not; that, at any one time, some things will be in their place, but most will not – and that in these times there will still be a world which turns and a soul in your body and people who love you.”
January 1, 2020
''I mentally congratulate myself on no longer being disgusted by my leaky, rotting body''
Shit is fucking raw and depressing and you should read it if you want to know what it's like to live with an ED *haven't read Wasted so don't @ me*. EDs are fucking ugly and soul-sucking. They make you numb and manipulative. Tumblr is wrong. It’s not cute or a quirky personality trait.
''I try and try to bully myself into feeling something - anything - instead of the awful emptiness which consumes me.''
''Eating problem? of course I still think about it.''
Nancy basically describes Anorexia as a toxic best friend you don't want to lose because even tho she fucks you up, you've been through shit together and you'd miss her. She’s always been there for you... That's basically what all EDs are. You get one and you are screwed for life. You can get better but you can always end up relapsing‘’There is no finish.’’. It’s a terrible addiction
''She's a junkie.''
.I feel like anorexia nervosa is the worst one to have. You can fucking die... I will stop here because it will get personal and depressing. I’m not sure why I decided to read this right now considering that it's the holidays and I feel... a certain way. Whatever this isn't therapy. No one cares.
TRIGGERS:
I saw some reviews where people said it's triggering be careful... It's a memoir of a girl that suffers with EDs. If you are already dealing with an ED you know what the fuck this will include. You don't need trigger warnings to know that you will read about weight loss, diets, throwing up and shit... trust me, I know reading it is difficult but if you know you can't handle it, skip it.
She even says in the start that she feared it could serve as a ''cheat sheet''. She doesn't give numbers which was an excellent choice. She sometimes mentions what she ate that day which I can see why people where like wtf why but what did you all expect.
Okkaayyy, on a positive note I love the cover ✌️.
Shit is fucking raw and depressing and you should read it if you want to know what it's like to live with an ED *haven't read Wasted so don't @ me*. EDs are fucking ugly and soul-sucking. They make you numb and manipulative. Tumblr is wrong. It’s not cute or a quirky personality trait.
''I try and try to bully myself into feeling something - anything - instead of the awful emptiness which consumes me.''
''Eating problem? of course I still think about it.''
Nancy basically describes Anorexia as a toxic best friend you don't want to lose because even tho she fucks you up, you've been through shit together and you'd miss her. She’s always been there for you... That's basically what all EDs are. You get one and you are screwed for life. You can get better but you can always end up relapsing
I saw some reviews where people said it's triggering be careful... It's a memoir of a girl that suffers with EDs. If you are already dealing with an ED you know what the fuck this will include. You don't need trigger warnings to know that you will read about weight loss, diets, throwing up and shit... trust me, I know reading it is difficult but if you know you can't handle it, skip it.
She even says in the start that she feared it could serve as a ''cheat sheet''. She doesn't give numbers which was an excellent choice. She sometimes mentions what she ate that day which I can see why people where like wtf why but what did you all expect.
Okkaayyy, on a positive note I love the cover ✌️.
January 25, 2016
Wow can't believe I didn't read this sooner. I went to the launch last year and met Nancy who is wonderful but I've only just read it now. This book is so dense. You really get inside her head and what it was like for her having anorexia. Her writing is SO good! And she's so young and clearly a genius I'm a little jealous. Seriously would recommend to ANYONE.
February 10, 2020
Nancy Tucker suffered from anorexia and bulimia for nearly a decade. Written in an original blend of styles, her eating disorder memoir is wrenching but utterly absorbing.
As a girl Tucker attended private school, played cello and sang in choirs. She hated being chubby and “cute”; she wanted to be perfect. When she started dieting it was immediately extreme: only cucumber sticks and fruit or, ideally, nothing whatsoever. Exercise was similarly excessive: an hour on the stationary bike; two hours’ walking. Friends and teachers worried straight away but on a school trip to France she realised that dread of eating in public situations meant she had to give up friendship. Radical weight loss left her cold and foggy-headed, with minimal energy. Her anorexia worsened until, in 2007, she became a hospital inpatient. In and out of treatment centers over the next years, she grew increasingly devious – telling doctors what they wanted to hear, hiding food and sabotaging weigh-ins. Change seemed impossible when The Voice kept telling her “Weigh less. Disappear more.”
This might all have made for an overwhelmingly depressing litany of suffering were it not for Tucker’s experimental present-tense narration. She writes in myriad formats: scenes of dialogue and stage directions (her parents work in theatre and television); diary entries; schedules; tongue-in-cheek dos and don’ts; theorizing about why she starved herself; an imagined police interrogation; and letters to anorexia.
You won’t find epiphanies or happy endings here, just a messy, ongoing recovery process – but 21-year-old Tucker narrates it exquisitely.
As a girl Tucker attended private school, played cello and sang in choirs. She hated being chubby and “cute”; she wanted to be perfect. When she started dieting it was immediately extreme: only cucumber sticks and fruit or, ideally, nothing whatsoever. Exercise was similarly excessive: an hour on the stationary bike; two hours’ walking. Friends and teachers worried straight away but on a school trip to France she realised that dread of eating in public situations meant she had to give up friendship. Radical weight loss left her cold and foggy-headed, with minimal energy. Her anorexia worsened until, in 2007, she became a hospital inpatient. In and out of treatment centers over the next years, she grew increasingly devious – telling doctors what they wanted to hear, hiding food and sabotaging weigh-ins. Change seemed impossible when The Voice kept telling her “Weigh less. Disappear more.”
This might all have made for an overwhelmingly depressing litany of suffering were it not for Tucker’s experimental present-tense narration. She writes in myriad formats: scenes of dialogue and stage directions (her parents work in theatre and television); diary entries; schedules; tongue-in-cheek dos and don’ts; theorizing about why she starved herself; an imagined police interrogation; and letters to anorexia.
You won’t find epiphanies or happy endings here, just a messy, ongoing recovery process – but 21-year-old Tucker narrates it exquisitely.
November 3, 2018
This was my first book for Non-Fiction November 2018, and it was a pretty tough read. Nancy Tucker is unashamedly transparent in this memoir about her struggles with anorexia and later bulimia, and the fact that this was all during her adolescence makes it even harder to read about.
She isn't afraid to show the horrible sides of the illness that ravaged her body and mind, and the horrendous impact it had on the people around her, in particular her mother. Tucker's writing and approach to her memoir is creative and captivating - I liked the instances where she wrote out her experiences like film scripts, and her tongue-in-cheek 'guides' on how to deal with a teenager with an eating disorder.
The main thing I struggled with though was the feeling of despair that coursed through the narrative. This couldn't have been left out, and there is hope towards the end, but there were points where I felt I was fighting with her to get through, and as a result it was sometimes difficult to continue reading. I'm glad I did though because I think this is an incredibly important story that needed to be told, and I hope it helps and educates people on the subject, particularly people like me who have never suffered from anything like this. An eye-opening read.
She isn't afraid to show the horrible sides of the illness that ravaged her body and mind, and the horrendous impact it had on the people around her, in particular her mother. Tucker's writing and approach to her memoir is creative and captivating - I liked the instances where she wrote out her experiences like film scripts, and her tongue-in-cheek 'guides' on how to deal with a teenager with an eating disorder.
The main thing I struggled with though was the feeling of despair that coursed through the narrative. This couldn't have been left out, and there is hope towards the end, but there were points where I felt I was fighting with her to get through, and as a result it was sometimes difficult to continue reading. I'm glad I did though because I think this is an incredibly important story that needed to be told, and I hope it helps and educates people on the subject, particularly people like me who have never suffered from anything like this. An eye-opening read.
May 13, 2015
I find memoirs incredibly difficult to rate, and never give them five stars, so this is pretty much as good as it gets.
To be honest I was terrified to read this, because of my own eating disorder struggles. I am currently in that 'time in between' that Nancy perfectly describes at the end of the book, between illness and full recovery.
Recently the Beat facebook group has been inquiring about ED sufferers and their relationships with ED related literature. This made me realise that I have never in fact read a book about anorexia, and having heard about The Time in Between on Youtube, and being told that it is less likely to be 'triggering' than other ED memoirs due to no specific calorie or weight mentions, I decided to give it a go.
For the first half of the book I decided that they were wrong. I felt uncomfortable and possibly 'triggered'. I decided that books about anorexia were never going to be beneficial to a recovered or recovering anorexic. But I found myself peeping at my kindle through my fingers and carrying on anyway.
The one thing that really got me, and reminded me how much I did not want to go back there again, was not actually any of the gory morbid details about the malnourished body. It was Nancy's comparison of an existence with anorexia to being an audience member at the theater, and watching life go on around you from a detached position. I don't know how that metaphor feels to a person who has never suffered with an ED, but from my experience it is spot on.
I'm glad I persevered with the book, because the last section was relatable to me, and filled me with (a realistic rather than a mawkishly sentimental) feeling of hope.
It was a brave and beautifully written memoir, and possibly enlightening for non-sufferers. I'm still not 100% sure about how I feel about anorexia memoirs being read by suffering or recovered anorexics though. It's a confusing and complicated illness, and just as Nancy depicts inpatient treatment as being less than helpful, I think reading the experiences of fellow sufferers isn't going to be in everyone's best interest.
Note to self: Be kind to you!
To be honest I was terrified to read this, because of my own eating disorder struggles. I am currently in that 'time in between' that Nancy perfectly describes at the end of the book, between illness and full recovery.
Recently the Beat facebook group has been inquiring about ED sufferers and their relationships with ED related literature. This made me realise that I have never in fact read a book about anorexia, and having heard about The Time in Between on Youtube, and being told that it is less likely to be 'triggering' than other ED memoirs due to no specific calorie or weight mentions, I decided to give it a go.
For the first half of the book I decided that they were wrong. I felt uncomfortable and possibly 'triggered'. I decided that books about anorexia were never going to be beneficial to a recovered or recovering anorexic. But I found myself peeping at my kindle through my fingers and carrying on anyway.
The one thing that really got me, and reminded me how much I did not want to go back there again, was not actually any of the gory morbid details about the malnourished body. It was Nancy's comparison of an existence with anorexia to being an audience member at the theater, and watching life go on around you from a detached position. I don't know how that metaphor feels to a person who has never suffered with an ED, but from my experience it is spot on.
I'm glad I persevered with the book, because the last section was relatable to me, and filled me with (a realistic rather than a mawkishly sentimental) feeling of hope.
It was a brave and beautifully written memoir, and possibly enlightening for non-sufferers. I'm still not 100% sure about how I feel about anorexia memoirs being read by suffering or recovered anorexics though. It's a confusing and complicated illness, and just as Nancy depicts inpatient treatment as being less than helpful, I think reading the experiences of fellow sufferers isn't going to be in everyone's best interest.
Note to self: Be kind to you!
February 14, 2016
I cannot forgive her for the forward where she states the importance to her of minimising potential triggers by giving no numbers. No BMI, no weights, no calories. She breaks this within the first page by saying she hadn't eaten for 3 months. If that doesn't give anorexia sufferers something severe to aim for I don't know what will. She also has no problem writing the details of the minimal amount she eats at various stages in her journey. This book is practically a guidebook to how to have an eating disorder. Her voice is immature and the speed in which it was written shows. Comparing it to 'Wasted' is insulting beyond belief, she exhibits none of the literary qualities to make the comparison worthwhile. Reading in the Independent that she would never have wanted to be without the experience made me sick to the stomach. Immature or stupidity, it hardly matters. Appalling. Maybe with some decent editing something could have been salvaged. I have been anorexic twice and there is nothing good about the suffering of it. There is no beauty in suffering, something you would have expected her to have learnt. I cannot stress enough how immature the writing style and content are. How it got to publication I will never know.
August 15, 2022
This was so honest. Really hard to read at times but I learned so much. I will read anything Nancy Tucker writes.
March 16, 2015
I read this book not only because it was recommended to me, but because it intrigued me to how Tucker would approach such a topic as anorexia and her experience of it. I was absolutely hooked from the moment I opened this book; Nancy Tucker has a beautiful way of writing that gripped me and wrapped me around its little finger. She approaches her experience with the condition sensitively but honestly; in such a way that illness (mental and physical) needs to be approached.
July 20, 2016
I feel bad giving a persons memoir 2-stars but I just really didn't click with the way her story was told through her writing.
December 24, 2021
Nancy: "I'm going to remove any exact numbers regarding calories or weight in order to avoid triggering people! My book is about my struggles and my recovery, it isn't an instruction manual!"
Also Nancy: *Proceeds to give excruciatingly detailed descriptions of body checks, food diary logs, weekly fasting planners, "weight to height" ratios, time having gone without food, work out routines, "tips" to manipulate weight at the doctor's AND "tips" to avoid eating.*
She also talks about what thoughts she had at the time of her suffering, which wouldn't be a problem on its own. However, she uses her nostalgia to romanticize the fuck out of her eating disorder, saying that not eating made her feel pure, that her post-recovery body was fat and therefore disgusting/shameful (love the fatphobia, girl! Keep it up!") and that anorexia is somehow superior and more worthy of recognition than bulimia, among many other nausea-inducing statements.
Comparing this book to Marya Hornbacher's "Wasted" makes my skin crawl. While Hornbacher also romanticizes her eating disorder and while you *could* argue that saying what she weighed is more detrimental than saying she's gone 3 months and a half without food (I mean, could you though?), at least Marya Hornbatcher didn't know any better, being one of the first people to publicly speak out and bring awareness to restricting eating disorders and therefore not realizing she could trigger people. Meanwhile, on the first pages of Nancy Tucker's shit show of a novel, she acknowledges the impact her book could have on recovering and non-recovering ED sufferers, but just decides she doesn't give a fuck anymore in the literal PROLOGUE of the book. At least Hornbacher provided a VERY good insight for non-ED sufferers into the mind of a mentally ill person through her writing talent, while I can't help but feel like Tucker's target audience (despite her denial) is in fact one of anorexics looking for triggers.
TL;DR: Wouldn't recommend. It's just a poorly-disguised attempt for Tucker to prove to someone (if not herself) that she really was sick. So sad I'm ending the year with this one.
Also Nancy: *Proceeds to give excruciatingly detailed descriptions of body checks, food diary logs, weekly fasting planners, "weight to height" ratios, time having gone without food, work out routines, "tips" to manipulate weight at the doctor's AND "tips" to avoid eating.*
She also talks about what thoughts she had at the time of her suffering, which wouldn't be a problem on its own. However, she uses her nostalgia to romanticize the fuck out of her eating disorder, saying that not eating made her feel pure, that her post-recovery body was fat and therefore disgusting/shameful (love the fatphobia, girl! Keep it up!") and that anorexia is somehow superior and more worthy of recognition than bulimia, among many other nausea-inducing statements.
Comparing this book to Marya Hornbacher's "Wasted" makes my skin crawl. While Hornbacher also romanticizes her eating disorder and while you *could* argue that saying what she weighed is more detrimental than saying she's gone 3 months and a half without food (I mean, could you though?), at least Marya Hornbatcher didn't know any better, being one of the first people to publicly speak out and bring awareness to restricting eating disorders and therefore not realizing she could trigger people. Meanwhile, on the first pages of Nancy Tucker's shit show of a novel, she acknowledges the impact her book could have on recovering and non-recovering ED sufferers, but just decides she doesn't give a fuck anymore in the literal PROLOGUE of the book. At least Hornbacher provided a VERY good insight for non-ED sufferers into the mind of a mentally ill person through her writing talent, while I can't help but feel like Tucker's target audience (despite her denial) is in fact one of anorexics looking for triggers.
TL;DR: Wouldn't recommend. It's just a poorly-disguised attempt for Tucker to prove to someone (if not herself) that she really was sick. So sad I'm ending the year with this one.
April 14, 2015
When, as a young child, Nancy Tucker was asked to write down what she wanted to be, instead of the usual girly response of ballet dancer, nurse or teacher, she wrote “I want to be thin”. She was convinced that Being Thin she would be Perfect, and therefore Popular. Two years later this idea had taken hold to such an extent that encouraged by her constant companion, The Voice (her inner self, egging her on), she became anorexic, eventually resulting in hospitalisation. As she takes us on her rapid descent into the madness of this illness it becomes clear that Nancy is aware of what she is doing and has her own reasons - to be Perfect; the problem was the way her mind and The Voice, twisted and manipulated her. Nancy does not – cannot - explain the Why of her illness, although she offers various scenarios inviting the reader the choose one in the chapter entitled “Why? Pick one” she writes:
….”I am too big and too small and too much and not enough and too frightened to change and too sad to stay the same. I am an addict......”
This book is a real eye-opener – it is astonishing the lengths to which an anorexic will go to avoid eating – hiding food, stuffing it into their clothing, jamming it into furniture to be disposed of later. The lying, manipulation and utter deviousness must be exhausting to the sufferer. All too often this illness has been dismissed as “slimmer's disease” affecting young girls who want emulate the models they see in glossy magazines. It is much more than that, as Nancy so ably tells us; it would seem that once someone has had anorexia they will always be "anorexic", as it's a mindset that is a lifelong condition, in the same way a recovering or ex- alcoholic will always be an alcoholic.
I hope Nancy continues to write; it is hard to believe she is only 21 years old. This is an accomplished book, devoid of self-pity, written with great maturity, insight and wry humour.
I was sent a free copy of this to read and review for amazon Vine; my review is unbiased.
….”I am too big and too small and too much and not enough and too frightened to change and too sad to stay the same. I am an addict......”
This book is a real eye-opener – it is astonishing the lengths to which an anorexic will go to avoid eating – hiding food, stuffing it into their clothing, jamming it into furniture to be disposed of later. The lying, manipulation and utter deviousness must be exhausting to the sufferer. All too often this illness has been dismissed as “slimmer's disease” affecting young girls who want emulate the models they see in glossy magazines. It is much more than that, as Nancy so ably tells us; it would seem that once someone has had anorexia they will always be "anorexic", as it's a mindset that is a lifelong condition, in the same way a recovering or ex- alcoholic will always be an alcoholic.
I hope Nancy continues to write; it is hard to believe she is only 21 years old. This is an accomplished book, devoid of self-pity, written with great maturity, insight and wry humour.
I was sent a free copy of this to read and review for amazon Vine; my review is unbiased.
May 28, 2015
Honest, true, heartbreaking, funny, fascinating, enlightening - I could throw superlatives at this book until my limited vocabulary ran dry.
The Time in Between is obviously not always an easy read, dealing as it does with mental illness and eating disorders, but it's handled with a supremely effective lightness of touch that ensures it's never too heavy-going, self-pitying, or self-righteous.
Instead it offers vital insight into the workings of an unquiet mind. It always seems disingenuous to label a book as 'important,' but The Time in Between should be required reading for anyone who has ever considered anorexia and simply failed to comprehend it. This book, although firmly the experience of one person, can do so much to educate people on the nature of mental illness - something that is crucial to put an end to stigma and prejudice.
The Time in Between is obviously not always an easy read, dealing as it does with mental illness and eating disorders, but it's handled with a supremely effective lightness of touch that ensures it's never too heavy-going, self-pitying, or self-righteous.
Instead it offers vital insight into the workings of an unquiet mind. It always seems disingenuous to label a book as 'important,' but The Time in Between should be required reading for anyone who has ever considered anorexia and simply failed to comprehend it. This book, although firmly the experience of one person, can do so much to educate people on the nature of mental illness - something that is crucial to put an end to stigma and prejudice.
May 5, 2020
Nancy Tucker ‘s beautifully written memoir is an achingly honest and rare insight into this insidious disorder. In her quirky and often humorous style, she articulates so clearly how she is gripped by anorexia and taunted by The Voice. This was an incredibly enlightening read and one I would highly recommend.
September 22, 2021
I learned about Nancy Tucker after listening to a review of her latest book, The First Day of Spring, on Sarah's Bookshelves Live. When I went to add it to my list, I discovered that she had a memoir that shares her personal struggle and journey with Anorexia Nervosa. Having experienced a traumatic event in high school that spiraled me into the dark shadow of this disease, I was curious about her experience but even more about her 'recovery' to becoming an accomplished author.
I knew from the Forward where she strategically shares with her readers, there will be no numbers discussed, that she was writing from a place of truly understanding how this illness works. When I read, The Girls at 17 Swann Street, and the anorexic said she weighed 95 lbs., it completely discredited her story for me - to an anorexic, that is recovery weight not in-patient illness weight.
Tucker writes from a perspective of 'The Voice' inside her head - it beautifully captures the essence of an Eating Disorder (ED). So many people are mislead that this is an illness about "loss of eating" - which is only the by-product of the control-nature of the illness. The true nature of the suffering is in the head and if you never come to learn and treat that, you can easily die from the disease...which is where you find Nancy, on the edge of survival. There are a lot of frustrating behaviors of ED and quite honestly many of hers triggered me - the manipulations, lies, excessive-compulsive behavior and deep depression. I also appreciate how she describes the challenge with reasoning and treating ED - there were times in the book I honestly gave up on her and found it impossible for her to ever find her way back into the land of the living.
It wasn't until the last part of the book that she gets into the therapeutic part of finding wellness. I was initially frustrated with this, looking for signs of it throughout - rather than the continued focus on what she ate or more accurately did not eat, the excessive exercising and controlling Voice. In reflection, it makes sense to me now - you don't find how to manage or recover from this mental illness until you are ready to accept that it is a problem and face the root cause of all the suffering...
"Recovery is. Ongoing. Perpetual. Without a clear-cut end. Recovery is refusing to continue to punish yourself for whatever heinous crime you never committed. Recovery is blocking your ears to however many Voices try to twist and torment you, and beginning the search for a new Voice: one entirely your own."
"There is no 'Happily Ever After'...There isn't even really an 'Ever After,' Happy or otherwise. Because Recovery, as an therapist worth their salt will tell you, is not a straight streak. It is an up-and-down, hop-skip-jump progression, and once you reach the Finish Line the referee will inform you that, in fact - surprise! There is no Finish. There is only a bumbling, stumbling , getting-back-up-and-crumbling Now. There is only Today."
She ends the Forward with a question to the reader, "have I managed it? I suppose that depends on you (the reader)." I recommend you read it and ask yourself this question at the end and be prepared for a bumpy ride!
I knew from the Forward where she strategically shares with her readers, there will be no numbers discussed, that she was writing from a place of truly understanding how this illness works. When I read, The Girls at 17 Swann Street, and the anorexic said she weighed 95 lbs., it completely discredited her story for me - to an anorexic, that is recovery weight not in-patient illness weight.
Tucker writes from a perspective of 'The Voice' inside her head - it beautifully captures the essence of an Eating Disorder (ED). So many people are mislead that this is an illness about "loss of eating" - which is only the by-product of the control-nature of the illness. The true nature of the suffering is in the head and if you never come to learn and treat that, you can easily die from the disease...which is where you find Nancy, on the edge of survival. There are a lot of frustrating behaviors of ED and quite honestly many of hers triggered me - the manipulations, lies, excessive-compulsive behavior and deep depression. I also appreciate how she describes the challenge with reasoning and treating ED - there were times in the book I honestly gave up on her and found it impossible for her to ever find her way back into the land of the living.
It wasn't until the last part of the book that she gets into the therapeutic part of finding wellness. I was initially frustrated with this, looking for signs of it throughout - rather than the continued focus on what she ate or more accurately did not eat, the excessive exercising and controlling Voice. In reflection, it makes sense to me now - you don't find how to manage or recover from this mental illness until you are ready to accept that it is a problem and face the root cause of all the suffering...
"Recovery is. Ongoing. Perpetual. Without a clear-cut end. Recovery is refusing to continue to punish yourself for whatever heinous crime you never committed. Recovery is blocking your ears to however many Voices try to twist and torment you, and beginning the search for a new Voice: one entirely your own."
"There is no 'Happily Ever After'...There isn't even really an 'Ever After,' Happy or otherwise. Because Recovery, as an therapist worth their salt will tell you, is not a straight streak. It is an up-and-down, hop-skip-jump progression, and once you reach the Finish Line the referee will inform you that, in fact - surprise! There is no Finish. There is only a bumbling, stumbling , getting-back-up-and-crumbling Now. There is only Today."
She ends the Forward with a question to the reader, "have I managed it? I suppose that depends on you (the reader)." I recommend you read it and ask yourself this question at the end and be prepared for a bumpy ride!
July 2, 2020
I appreciated that Nancy begins this book stating that it should not be used as a ‘how to be anorexic’ guide but that she can’t stop the reader. Which is fair and made me really consider who the ideal reader might be. I think you need to be in the right place to take it in. This book is so beautifully written, to remember with such detail the days when her brain was starved blew me away. It does not glamorize anorexia. The descriptions of the horrible things happening to her body paint a clear picture that there was no winning and give some insight into the thoughts that keep someone in this state. Her experience as an inpatient and the competitive environment with the other patients is eye opening that there is still much to learn about how to best treat an eating disorder. She also discusses binging and the pain caused by looking well on the outside while still struggling on the inside. The book doesn’t end with an ‘I’m recovered’ message, it serves as reminder that it’s not a linear process, there is a lot of ‘in between’. Overall just a very honest depiction of what having an eating disorder is like.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
July 27, 2017
I thought it did a great job of trying to take you into the mind and emotions of someone suffering from an eating disorder. I suspect that many of us have, at times, experienced dissatisfaction about our body weight, type, etc. However, to see this attitude taken to such extremes is something that I couldn't imagine. The author does a stellar job of taking the reader on her journey through this devastating emotional condition and its consequences on not only her life, but those around her. The author is quite young, and to be able to express her emotions in such a way that you are taken along with her on her journey through such a painful part of her life is a testament to her inner strength.
August 23, 2019
The book for me was confronting, but educating. At times it made me incredibly sad and heartbroken. It made me think about my own life, and the times life has been difficult and how my family has coped with those times. My family has plenty of mental illness surrounding it and I’ve suffered with anxiety myself so I could understand that side of Tucker’s suffering.
This book is well written, but HOW it’s written is not for me. This memoir is raw and honest and I truly hope Ms Tucker is travelling a more positive lifestyle and is continuing with her recovery.
This book is well written, but HOW it’s written is not for me. This memoir is raw and honest and I truly hope Ms Tucker is travelling a more positive lifestyle and is continuing with her recovery.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
August 30, 2020
Purchase The Time in Between here for just $8!
An extremely important, touching book, exploring Tucker's early life dominated by anorexia. Exploring such a dark and emotional topic, Tucker's dark humour, and her keen insight into her own mind makes this an accessible and engrossing book.
Anastasia - The Book Grocer
An extremely important, touching book, exploring Tucker's early life dominated by anorexia. Exploring such a dark and emotional topic, Tucker's dark humour, and her keen insight into her own mind makes this an accessible and engrossing book.
Anastasia - The Book Grocer
January 16, 2018
“But there was no battlefield - there was just me. The most terrifying battlegrounds are those that lie inside us. The mind is the single most menacing threat to man in his entirety
June 10, 2018
Raw and completely honest. No sugar-coating. Loved the way the author explained thoughts and feelings using colorful words and phrases. A shocking, yet touching story. Very well-written
April 7, 2024
“If I’m not perfect things are topsy-turvy and back-to-front and itchy-scratchy and wrong.”
This book was very hard for me personally to finish. I had to read it over an almost two year period.
This book was very hard for me personally to finish. I had to read it over an almost two year period.
July 15, 2018
I cannot recommend this book enough. This is probably one of the best books I've read because there's so much emotion in it and so much pain and it hurt... a lot.
I just finished reading this and it's been helping me contemplate on my actions and my feelings and everything that's wrong with me.
If you know me (which I hope you don't because lol now I'm self-conscious), you'll know that I reallyreallyreallylreaaaally hate myself.
So much of how I remember being a kid and a teenager was very much weight-related. Specifically how fat I was. And this isn't me being conceited and being like "Wow I was so fat. Pity me. Poor me". Like no. I was actually reaaalllly overweight since I was 10. And I remember this because it was my little brother's kindergarten graduation (do all schools have this? it seems dumb) and we went to visit my relatives and I remember wearing this fitting blue green top and my auntie coming up to me and putting her hand on my stomach and saying "Don't get any fatter than this. This is the right weight for you". She may have been joking and I kind of laughed it off because I was 10, what was I supposed to say to that? Was I uncomfortable? Yes. Definitely. Even though I'm aware that this all clicked when I was 10, I've always had a pretty unhealthy relationship with food even younger than that. At meal times my parents would always have a competition on who ate the most. After every meal, we (me and my brother) had to go up to our parents and hold up our shirts to reveal our food babies and have our mom feel it to see who was fuller. And another game was who ate the most wouldn't be having an afternoon nap. So my brother and I were always the last people on the table because we would eat so much because we didn't want naptimes. Looking back, it's a pretty sick game. I thought it was fun back then and I'm probably making excuses for it but it was a way for my parents to make us eat. I don't know.
I think that fiasco when I was 10 was the earliest moment I remember being so conscious about my weight and I started being really unhealthy about it. Unlike Nancy who had anorexia and then bulimia, I think I was mostly binge eating. I'm not diagnosed with an ED because I do have this mentality that no one will believe me because I'm not sick enough. And that's something that Nancy touches on the book. Several times throughout the book (at least this was my interpretation of it) was not being skinny enough to be admitted to an Inpatient Unit. I understand that she would've refused to be admitted but it was glaringly obvious she was getting sicker, and the scales may not have shown that because she had so many tricks to challenge the scale, but SHE'S RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU AND SHE'S NOT GETTING BETTER. PLEASE HELP HER.
Many times in the book I literally had to stop and close the book and take deep breaths because it would be too close to my heart and everything she says about herself I can myself saying to me. Reading it and thinking "You always say this about yourself. Can't you see how badly you're hurting yourself right now?".
I remember my first binge; eating 3 cans of sardines *after our actual lunch* and being so incredibly full that I sat next to the refrigerator on the floor because I couldn't get up because my tummy hurt. I don't know why I'm laughing at myself right now.
By the time high school came around, the weight increased a lot and I was bullied for it which was soooo much fun. It's great being made fun of when you're fat. When a classmate yells out "Sort yourselves by weight" during a group activity and the whole class looks at you. When your 'friends' refuse to pull you up in a pick up truck because you were apparently "too heavy to lift" (which btw I wasn't at my heaviest then) and so you end up sitting at the front with your choir teacher and everyone is having heaps of fun at the back. When yo buy snacks and they look at you like "Really??".
I think it got worse when I did Taekwondo. Our instructor was always at the back for being fat. I don't remember a day of showing to practice and him not commenting on it and how I needed to work harder to be smaller. I'm making another excuse but you know, it's reasonable that he wanted me to lose weight because you don't really have fat people doing tournaments. There was a particularly horrible experience I had where I was part of the regional team and we had to travel to another city for regionals and he insisted that I go with them and participate because "You'll definitely lose enough weight to compete if you get into training harder". So I did my best even though I didn't want to go because I know I'd lose and let the team down. The tournament day arrived and we needed to be weighed on the day in front of everyone so they could sort us into weight divisions and I went over the maximum weight needed to compete. And he looked at me so disappointingly and ushered me back to the bleachers. I spent 3 days with the whole team and I had to sit the competition out. I had to sit by myself watching the team compete. And it sucked because I knew this was because I was too fat. When we returned home, I think I quit. I gave the excuse of "I needed to focus on my studies. I'll come back next summer". And I did. But I'll get to that.
That was the lowest point for me emotionally because at the time I had no friends and I couldn't even enjoy Taekwondo. That was also the fattest I was. I don't know how it was humanly possible for me to be active in sports and still so very hugeeee. *sigh*
A lot of what exacerbated this obsession with my weight was definitely because of my family. I know this is terrible that it sounds like I'm putting the blame on them and although they played a part, I am still very much responsible for my behaviours and everything is my fault.
My family is complicated. My mom and aunts and uncles and grandmother fought a lot and I didn't see any of them for 6-7 years. The last they saw me was as a baby or 7 years old. And when one of my uncles died, they were all forced to see other again and reunite as a family. I didn't realise how big of a family I had until everyone was together and it felt great being around them.
One thing that i didn't like was their preoccupation of my weight. The first time auntie saw me after yeaaaars was "Ang taba mo na!" (You're so fat now!) ((it sounds more endearing in Tagalog)). And my other uncle joked "Pinabayaan ka yata sa kusina" (It seems like you were left alone in the kitchen). And every single one of them compared me to my cousin who was the same age as me and how she was skinnier and smarter and absolutely so much better than me.
When we went to Australia the next year, I finally met this cousin after last seeing each other when we were 7. And she was so thin to me (she was healthy btw). I thought she looked perfect. And the self-loathing and self-harming came shortly after that.
I don't remember not eating. It's all fuzzy. But I remember coming home after that trip and hating myself so much and slowly the weight started to melt away. I wasn't in Taekwondo anymore but I remember being at my lowest weight months down the line. (Which btw my 'friend' commented on and said "You're getting smaller. I'm proud of you".) Did this weight loss have to come at such a horrible and toxic expense? I'm going to make a tumblr post expanding on this because I wasn't a good person around this time and I need to talk about it.
I returned to Taekwondo that summer and was significantly smaller than the last time they saw and I received so many positive comments on it. And it made me feel a temporary happiness. And the realisation that it was only in weight loss that I became important and special. And I was angry at that because WHY IS IT THAT I HAD TO BE SKINNY FOR YOU PEOPLE TO LIKE MEEE??? And I quit again after that summer and I never went back because I couldn't deal with being judged by the very people I found solace in.
Still after losing the weight, I wasn't skinny. I was more chubby now. But as the years went, I regained all that I lost and more. Became massively sad throughout the process. And moved to a different country and became even more sad. Hi. I'm depressed I think.! I need to see someone.
Even to this day, my family and relatives always comment about it when they see me. About how fat I was or how I needed to eat less or how smaller I'm getting. Last year I started counting my calories and has a drastic weight loss following that and now I'm at a healthy BMI but I'm still so incredibly disgusted at myself. It's no longer the body that's wrong. It's my mind that needs fixing.
HOLY SHIT.
I HAVEN'T TALKED ABOUT THE BOOK YET.
CAN YOU SEE HOW PASSIONATE I AM ABOUT THIS? HOW REFLECTIVE I BECAME AFTER READING THIS BOOK?
OKAY NOTEEESSSS
I love the preface Nancy gives at the beginning where she warns the readers that she urges you not to do what she did but if you treated this book as a bible then no one can stop you. I appreciate that this was mentioned early on because it did give me a moment to think it over and if I should read it. Will it help me? Am I going into this just wanting to understanding the development of ED's? I decided that the reason I'm drawn to these topics is because I'm finding it very difficult to cope with what I'm feeling and reading other people's experiences make me feel less alone. And this book achieved that. After reading it, I know I won't be subjecting myself to what Nancy went through and hopefully I may one day get to a point where I can be recovered.
Another one of the things I had flagged is the relationship Nancy had with her family and the dialogue about food that they would have when she was little or the imposition of control she would always be placed in factors in to why she developed an ED and I get it. As I mentioned in my rant-y bit at the beginning. Being exposed to unhealthy habits with foods when I was younger made me have the behaviours I have now, unfortunately.
A pretty recurrent theme throughout is the desire to being 'thin' and the belief that one day JUST ONE DAY people will like me when I'm skinny. I recoil anytime this is mentioned because the voice I have in my head is always yelling this at me. Particularly worse during bad days where I would look at a mirror and BOOM thoughts are suffocating me. It's not fun. And I hate it. I hate having to think this and it's almost like and unreachable goal. And what's sick is that anytime I shrunk, people notice and they smile with pride. It affirms this idea that people WILL like me. I just need to be a stick.
There's one quote in the book that I love because of how painful it is: "That's funny. I don't have a mental illness. So why am I being crushed?".
Side note: I love the different formats the book has (the play/ script and the Do's and Don'ts. It's a change that I like.
Page 98: Theory Me. Read it and this is exactly how my mind is working.
"I can't". This broke me. I was crying during my shift in hospital while I was reading this in darkness. It was like I get it. I wanted so much to climb into the pages and say "I KNOW YOU CAN'T. I UNDERSTAND. AND I'M SORRY YOU'RE HURTING. I'M SORRY.".
UUUUUUUU I love this book. It's so powerful and emotional and so very very painful. I could literally feel the defeat and surrender in her voice when she says "I'll eat" after being so done with starvation.
Side note: I bookmarked the chapter "Emerald" just because my birthstone is emerald and I feel very acknowledged that my birthstone is a chapter. hahaha.
I smiled like an idiot when Nancy was finally able to find friends who understood her and didn't judge her when she finally told them about her anorexia. I think one of her biggest downfall was not having a good support system especially with her friends. They probably didn't know how to approach the subject of anorexia that's why I'm so happy that there's so much awareness about the topic. Eating disorders suck and I don't people to ever have to think of eating as an option or a want. We need to eat to sustain our bodies.
Her letter to her Anorexia made me cry too. It's gross seeing me in tears and in darkness clutching onto this book in the hospital ward while I looking after my sleeping patient.
And finally, my last point. This also made me disappear into a puddle of tears. The last chapter with her thank you's and apologies. The one about her Mum. 3
I love this book. It's a masterpiece and captures the very thoughts I have in head. Even though I'm not diagnosed with anything but I know I have a serious problem with food, a lot of what I read in the book seems as though it's been plucked from my brain and put into pages.
This was a pretty substantial read and I finished this in 2 days. I know that the time span is a week and a half but I read the first half on my night duty last week and finished it this morning. So technically it was 2 days (or 20 hours? because my shifts are 10 hours each).
I think I feel a little better. The demons in my head are still yelling at me but not as loud.
I just finished reading this and it's been helping me contemplate on my actions and my feelings and everything that's wrong with me.
If you know me (which I hope you don't because lol now I'm self-conscious), you'll know that I reallyreallyreallylreaaaally hate myself.
So much of how I remember being a kid and a teenager was very much weight-related. Specifically how fat I was. And this isn't me being conceited and being like "Wow I was so fat. Pity me. Poor me". Like no. I was actually reaaalllly overweight since I was 10. And I remember this because it was my little brother's kindergarten graduation (do all schools have this? it seems dumb) and we went to visit my relatives and I remember wearing this fitting blue green top and my auntie coming up to me and putting her hand on my stomach and saying "Don't get any fatter than this. This is the right weight for you". She may have been joking and I kind of laughed it off because I was 10, what was I supposed to say to that? Was I uncomfortable? Yes. Definitely. Even though I'm aware that this all clicked when I was 10, I've always had a pretty unhealthy relationship with food even younger than that. At meal times my parents would always have a competition on who ate the most. After every meal, we (me and my brother) had to go up to our parents and hold up our shirts to reveal our food babies and have our mom feel it to see who was fuller. And another game was who ate the most wouldn't be having an afternoon nap. So my brother and I were always the last people on the table because we would eat so much because we didn't want naptimes. Looking back, it's a pretty sick game. I thought it was fun back then and I'm probably making excuses for it but it was a way for my parents to make us eat. I don't know.
I think that fiasco when I was 10 was the earliest moment I remember being so conscious about my weight and I started being really unhealthy about it. Unlike Nancy who had anorexia and then bulimia, I think I was mostly binge eating. I'm not diagnosed with an ED because I do have this mentality that no one will believe me because I'm not sick enough. And that's something that Nancy touches on the book. Several times throughout the book (at least this was my interpretation of it) was not being skinny enough to be admitted to an Inpatient Unit. I understand that she would've refused to be admitted but it was glaringly obvious she was getting sicker, and the scales may not have shown that because she had so many tricks to challenge the scale, but SHE'S RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU AND SHE'S NOT GETTING BETTER. PLEASE HELP HER.
Many times in the book I literally had to stop and close the book and take deep breaths because it would be too close to my heart and everything she says about herself I can myself saying to me. Reading it and thinking "You always say this about yourself. Can't you see how badly you're hurting yourself right now?".
I remember my first binge; eating 3 cans of sardines *after our actual lunch* and being so incredibly full that I sat next to the refrigerator on the floor because I couldn't get up because my tummy hurt. I don't know why I'm laughing at myself right now.
By the time high school came around, the weight increased a lot and I was bullied for it which was soooo much fun. It's great being made fun of when you're fat. When a classmate yells out "Sort yourselves by weight" during a group activity and the whole class looks at you. When your 'friends' refuse to pull you up in a pick up truck because you were apparently "too heavy to lift" (which btw I wasn't at my heaviest then) and so you end up sitting at the front with your choir teacher and everyone is having heaps of fun at the back. When yo buy snacks and they look at you like "Really??".
I think it got worse when I did Taekwondo. Our instructor was always at the back for being fat. I don't remember a day of showing to practice and him not commenting on it and how I needed to work harder to be smaller. I'm making another excuse but you know, it's reasonable that he wanted me to lose weight because you don't really have fat people doing tournaments. There was a particularly horrible experience I had where I was part of the regional team and we had to travel to another city for regionals and he insisted that I go with them and participate because "You'll definitely lose enough weight to compete if you get into training harder". So I did my best even though I didn't want to go because I know I'd lose and let the team down. The tournament day arrived and we needed to be weighed on the day in front of everyone so they could sort us into weight divisions and I went over the maximum weight needed to compete. And he looked at me so disappointingly and ushered me back to the bleachers. I spent 3 days with the whole team and I had to sit the competition out. I had to sit by myself watching the team compete. And it sucked because I knew this was because I was too fat. When we returned home, I think I quit. I gave the excuse of "I needed to focus on my studies. I'll come back next summer". And I did. But I'll get to that.
That was the lowest point for me emotionally because at the time I had no friends and I couldn't even enjoy Taekwondo. That was also the fattest I was. I don't know how it was humanly possible for me to be active in sports and still so very hugeeee. *sigh*
A lot of what exacerbated this obsession with my weight was definitely because of my family. I know this is terrible that it sounds like I'm putting the blame on them and although they played a part, I am still very much responsible for my behaviours and everything is my fault.
My family is complicated. My mom and aunts and uncles and grandmother fought a lot and I didn't see any of them for 6-7 years. The last they saw me was as a baby or 7 years old. And when one of my uncles died, they were all forced to see other again and reunite as a family. I didn't realise how big of a family I had until everyone was together and it felt great being around them.
One thing that i didn't like was their preoccupation of my weight. The first time auntie saw me after yeaaaars was "Ang taba mo na!" (You're so fat now!) ((it sounds more endearing in Tagalog)). And my other uncle joked "Pinabayaan ka yata sa kusina" (It seems like you were left alone in the kitchen). And every single one of them compared me to my cousin who was the same age as me and how she was skinnier and smarter and absolutely so much better than me.
When we went to Australia the next year, I finally met this cousin after last seeing each other when we were 7. And she was so thin to me (she was healthy btw). I thought she looked perfect. And the self-loathing and self-harming came shortly after that.
I don't remember not eating. It's all fuzzy. But I remember coming home after that trip and hating myself so much and slowly the weight started to melt away. I wasn't in Taekwondo anymore but I remember being at my lowest weight months down the line. (Which btw my 'friend' commented on and said "You're getting smaller. I'm proud of you".) Did this weight loss have to come at such a horrible and toxic expense? I'm going to make a tumblr post expanding on this because I wasn't a good person around this time and I need to talk about it.
I returned to Taekwondo that summer and was significantly smaller than the last time they saw and I received so many positive comments on it. And it made me feel a temporary happiness. And the realisation that it was only in weight loss that I became important and special. And I was angry at that because WHY IS IT THAT I HAD TO BE SKINNY FOR YOU PEOPLE TO LIKE MEEE??? And I quit again after that summer and I never went back because I couldn't deal with being judged by the very people I found solace in.
Still after losing the weight, I wasn't skinny. I was more chubby now. But as the years went, I regained all that I lost and more. Became massively sad throughout the process. And moved to a different country and became even more sad. Hi. I'm depressed I think.! I need to see someone.
Even to this day, my family and relatives always comment about it when they see me. About how fat I was or how I needed to eat less or how smaller I'm getting. Last year I started counting my calories and has a drastic weight loss following that and now I'm at a healthy BMI but I'm still so incredibly disgusted at myself. It's no longer the body that's wrong. It's my mind that needs fixing.
HOLY SHIT.
I HAVEN'T TALKED ABOUT THE BOOK YET.
CAN YOU SEE HOW PASSIONATE I AM ABOUT THIS? HOW REFLECTIVE I BECAME AFTER READING THIS BOOK?
OKAY NOTEEESSSS
I love the preface Nancy gives at the beginning where she warns the readers that she urges you not to do what she did but if you treated this book as a bible then no one can stop you. I appreciate that this was mentioned early on because it did give me a moment to think it over and if I should read it. Will it help me? Am I going into this just wanting to understanding the development of ED's? I decided that the reason I'm drawn to these topics is because I'm finding it very difficult to cope with what I'm feeling and reading other people's experiences make me feel less alone. And this book achieved that. After reading it, I know I won't be subjecting myself to what Nancy went through and hopefully I may one day get to a point where I can be recovered.
Another one of the things I had flagged is the relationship Nancy had with her family and the dialogue about food that they would have when she was little or the imposition of control she would always be placed in factors in to why she developed an ED and I get it. As I mentioned in my rant-y bit at the beginning. Being exposed to unhealthy habits with foods when I was younger made me have the behaviours I have now, unfortunately.
A pretty recurrent theme throughout is the desire to being 'thin' and the belief that one day JUST ONE DAY people will like me when I'm skinny. I recoil anytime this is mentioned because the voice I have in my head is always yelling this at me. Particularly worse during bad days where I would look at a mirror and BOOM thoughts are suffocating me. It's not fun. And I hate it. I hate having to think this and it's almost like and unreachable goal. And what's sick is that anytime I shrunk, people notice and they smile with pride. It affirms this idea that people WILL like me. I just need to be a stick.
There's one quote in the book that I love because of how painful it is: "That's funny. I don't have a mental illness. So why am I being crushed?".
Side note: I love the different formats the book has (the play/ script and the Do's and Don'ts. It's a change that I like.
Page 98: Theory Me. Read it and this is exactly how my mind is working.
"I can't". This broke me. I was crying during my shift in hospital while I was reading this in darkness. It was like I get it. I wanted so much to climb into the pages and say "I KNOW YOU CAN'T. I UNDERSTAND. AND I'M SORRY YOU'RE HURTING. I'M SORRY.".
UUUUUUUU I love this book. It's so powerful and emotional and so very very painful. I could literally feel the defeat and surrender in her voice when she says "I'll eat" after being so done with starvation.
Side note: I bookmarked the chapter "Emerald" just because my birthstone is emerald and I feel very acknowledged that my birthstone is a chapter. hahaha.
I smiled like an idiot when Nancy was finally able to find friends who understood her and didn't judge her when she finally told them about her anorexia. I think one of her biggest downfall was not having a good support system especially with her friends. They probably didn't know how to approach the subject of anorexia that's why I'm so happy that there's so much awareness about the topic. Eating disorders suck and I don't people to ever have to think of eating as an option or a want. We need to eat to sustain our bodies.
Her letter to her Anorexia made me cry too. It's gross seeing me in tears and in darkness clutching onto this book in the hospital ward while I looking after my sleeping patient.
And finally, my last point. This also made me disappear into a puddle of tears. The last chapter with her thank you's and apologies. The one about her Mum. 3
I love this book. It's a masterpiece and captures the very thoughts I have in head. Even though I'm not diagnosed with anything but I know I have a serious problem with food, a lot of what I read in the book seems as though it's been plucked from my brain and put into pages.
This was a pretty substantial read and I finished this in 2 days. I know that the time span is a week and a half but I read the first half on my night duty last week and finished it this morning. So technically it was 2 days (or 20 hours? because my shifts are 10 hours each).
I think I feel a little better. The demons in my head are still yelling at me but not as loud.
August 28, 2018
“I am too big and too small and too much and not enough and too frightened to change and too sad to stay the same.”
This is a honest, raw and authentic account that truly captivates the severe subject matter of eating disorders with sheer brutality but also sensitivity.
For a sixteen year old kid, I like to consider myself decently educated on the topic of eating disorders (for a myriad of reasons but mainly due to my own experiences but also my aspiration to work with eating disorders in the future) however, I regularly crave more knowledge on the thing that truly fascinates me. Therefore, I was delighted when I discovered this gem in my local library and was completely unaware at the treat I was in for when I was presented with a brutally raw account of the world's deadliest mental illness.
Focusing on the candid perspective of Nancy Tucker, the reader follows her through her decade-long struggle with anorexia and then her development of bulimia. As she ebbs in and out of hospital and in and out of life, I was utterly captivated by the story of not only disease, but bravery.
Due to this being a memoir, I was able to create an instantaneous connection with Nancy, not only because of my own experiences but because of the authenticity of it all. This therefore provoked a sympathetic and heartbreaking response from me as I watched Nancy destroy her body so cruelly as she strives for the perfection ideation that is very clearly impossible to capture.
Despite the severe and grim subject matter, Tucker successfully crafts a story with a poetic (but not overdone) writing style which flows off the page as it cleverly depicts the disease. It’s difficult to believe she is graphically describing the tortuous effects of malnourishment and starvation when she writes so lyrically. I personally really enjoyed this style of writing and found it to be stunning. The story is written with incredible maturity and a brilliant insight and successfully avoids a self-pitying approach, which not only did I enjoy, but appreciate. Nancy is astonishingly talented with her way of words and I hope and pray she never abandons her career as a writer!
Something I definitely enjoy about this memoir is the ability to captivate the complexity of anorexia. There is a myriad of ways this is accomplished: the first way is the idea is expressed there is no “right” way to approach the illness and no guaranteed way to help the sufferer. Anorexia and eating disorders in general are devious and sly and they will always find a way to avoid eating. There is no correct method to help someone and I think this is important to note. Furthermore, I was astounded reading about the utter manipulation and pure deviousness that occurs when Nancy goes to astonishing lengths to avoid eating. Incredibly eye-opening. Seeing this from a readers perspective rather than my own, I was absolutely shocked by the extremity of it all. It exhibits the severity of the disease and how far we will go to conceal it and have it remain a secret; I was truly shocked by it.
In addition to this, the memoir offers a heart wrenching glimpse into the troubled mind and allows the reader to understand the logic and reasoning behind this self-sabotage. I believe this is vital to comprehend; it is able to educate the reader and therefore express the crucial fact that eating disorders are NOT a choice. They’re a all-consuming, fatal disease. Being able to see Nancy's reasoning behind this all was heartbreaking for me. This book really hit home and to see parts of myself represented in this book for the first time in my life was insanely comforting and validating and I found myself in tears multiple times.
Tucker adds her wry and dark humour to her story which is something I really cherish. Not only did it partially remove the dark tone slightly, but conveys a significant message. Nancy is not her eating disorder. It does not define her and that is not what she is made up of. She is funny and expresses her humour in a way that made me crack up so much I regularly found myself doubled over and clutching my abdomen. What a notion! A book about anorexia that made me giggle! Absurd. It shows Nancy is more than the number on the scale. She is hysterical. She is kind. She is brave.
Leading on from the point of her being kind, she had immense consideration when she eliminated potential triggers such as BMI and lowest weight from her book. I cannot empathise enough how grateful I am for this. She even had the selfless thought of including a disclaimer prior to the story starting. Eating disorders are extremely competitive illnesses so when she removed her weights and daily calorie intake, it prevented the progression of anyone’s illness and they strive to be better (or worse). Although this was absolutely fantastic in my opinion, it wasn’t completely foolproof. Regularly throughout the book she mentions a period in her life where she doesn’t consume food for three whole months. Straight. Although this is a crucial part of her eating disorder story and it captures the extremity of the illness, it does give an unreachable and potentially fatal goal to anyone who is suffering. Therefore, I would advise anyone to read at your own risk for this could be very damaging. I wish I’d know about this prior to reading the book as I found myself slightly triggered.
That being said, I am unable to identify another critique for this story. It’s hands-down one of the best books about eating disorders I’ve ever read.
Another thing I would love to gush about it the positive depiction of CAMHS, which for those of you outside of the U.K. is the Child and Adolescent Mental Health Service, owned by the NHS. Although I personally believe CAMHS is a brilliant service in which I don’t think I’d be here today without it, it is often painted in a negative light. In my opinion, it isn’t the best service, I’ll admit but that is mainly due to a lack of funding and consideration for mental health. This often means it gets a lot of backlash and criticism. However, Tucker shows it to be an incredibly helpful privilege which really helps her and proves how lucky we are to have access to it.
Moreover, thankfully, Tucker fails to glamorise the sickness and instead includes visceral and graphic descriptions of the impact of starvation and malnourishment in which I cannot even stomach the idea of repeating. I think it’s vital to not paint anorexia in a positive light or convey the idea it is something one should covet. It’s deadly. Fatal. Life ruining. Wrong ideas about it lead to stigma and stereotypes which we already have far too much off in the mental health community.
Another thing I adored was Nancy often writing about how it influenced her relationships with her peers. Whether that be her sister, parents or friends, she wrote about it all. It clearly conveys the fact that eating disorders don’t just affect you. They affect everyone around you, whether you want them to or not. It shows Nancy as she retreats into isolation to conceal her eating disorder and how this damaged and broke the bonds with her closest friends. This is unfortunately something I am far too familiar with and I really, really regret it. Seeing this part of my life represented and related with Nancy's was a huge comfort.
In conclusion, this heart wrenching and beautiful story successfully captives the reality and severity of an eating disorder, highlighting the disastrous consequences of denying your body of a basic and human need. With its lyrical prose, it shows how awful they are and fails to glamourise the disease in any way shape or form. Nancy's raw literary voice allows an instant connection between narrator and reader which allows us to understand her sickness completely. The book as a whole was absolutely remarkable. Providing you’re in the right mindset to read this (as it’s often graphic, brutal and painstakingly honest) I would recommend this book to anyone and everyone, not only for the education our society needs on eating disorders but for the incredible story of bravery and recovery.
Love Lucy x
This is a honest, raw and authentic account that truly captivates the severe subject matter of eating disorders with sheer brutality but also sensitivity.
For a sixteen year old kid, I like to consider myself decently educated on the topic of eating disorders (for a myriad of reasons but mainly due to my own experiences but also my aspiration to work with eating disorders in the future) however, I regularly crave more knowledge on the thing that truly fascinates me. Therefore, I was delighted when I discovered this gem in my local library and was completely unaware at the treat I was in for when I was presented with a brutally raw account of the world's deadliest mental illness.
Focusing on the candid perspective of Nancy Tucker, the reader follows her through her decade-long struggle with anorexia and then her development of bulimia. As she ebbs in and out of hospital and in and out of life, I was utterly captivated by the story of not only disease, but bravery.
Due to this being a memoir, I was able to create an instantaneous connection with Nancy, not only because of my own experiences but because of the authenticity of it all. This therefore provoked a sympathetic and heartbreaking response from me as I watched Nancy destroy her body so cruelly as she strives for the perfection ideation that is very clearly impossible to capture.
Despite the severe and grim subject matter, Tucker successfully crafts a story with a poetic (but not overdone) writing style which flows off the page as it cleverly depicts the disease. It’s difficult to believe she is graphically describing the tortuous effects of malnourishment and starvation when she writes so lyrically. I personally really enjoyed this style of writing and found it to be stunning. The story is written with incredible maturity and a brilliant insight and successfully avoids a self-pitying approach, which not only did I enjoy, but appreciate. Nancy is astonishingly talented with her way of words and I hope and pray she never abandons her career as a writer!
Something I definitely enjoy about this memoir is the ability to captivate the complexity of anorexia. There is a myriad of ways this is accomplished: the first way is the idea is expressed there is no “right” way to approach the illness and no guaranteed way to help the sufferer. Anorexia and eating disorders in general are devious and sly and they will always find a way to avoid eating. There is no correct method to help someone and I think this is important to note. Furthermore, I was astounded reading about the utter manipulation and pure deviousness that occurs when Nancy goes to astonishing lengths to avoid eating. Incredibly eye-opening. Seeing this from a readers perspective rather than my own, I was absolutely shocked by the extremity of it all. It exhibits the severity of the disease and how far we will go to conceal it and have it remain a secret; I was truly shocked by it.
In addition to this, the memoir offers a heart wrenching glimpse into the troubled mind and allows the reader to understand the logic and reasoning behind this self-sabotage. I believe this is vital to comprehend; it is able to educate the reader and therefore express the crucial fact that eating disorders are NOT a choice. They’re a all-consuming, fatal disease. Being able to see Nancy's reasoning behind this all was heartbreaking for me. This book really hit home and to see parts of myself represented in this book for the first time in my life was insanely comforting and validating and I found myself in tears multiple times.
Tucker adds her wry and dark humour to her story which is something I really cherish. Not only did it partially remove the dark tone slightly, but conveys a significant message. Nancy is not her eating disorder. It does not define her and that is not what she is made up of. She is funny and expresses her humour in a way that made me crack up so much I regularly found myself doubled over and clutching my abdomen. What a notion! A book about anorexia that made me giggle! Absurd. It shows Nancy is more than the number on the scale. She is hysterical. She is kind. She is brave.
Leading on from the point of her being kind, she had immense consideration when she eliminated potential triggers such as BMI and lowest weight from her book. I cannot empathise enough how grateful I am for this. She even had the selfless thought of including a disclaimer prior to the story starting. Eating disorders are extremely competitive illnesses so when she removed her weights and daily calorie intake, it prevented the progression of anyone’s illness and they strive to be better (or worse). Although this was absolutely fantastic in my opinion, it wasn’t completely foolproof. Regularly throughout the book she mentions a period in her life where she doesn’t consume food for three whole months. Straight. Although this is a crucial part of her eating disorder story and it captures the extremity of the illness, it does give an unreachable and potentially fatal goal to anyone who is suffering. Therefore, I would advise anyone to read at your own risk for this could be very damaging. I wish I’d know about this prior to reading the book as I found myself slightly triggered.
That being said, I am unable to identify another critique for this story. It’s hands-down one of the best books about eating disorders I’ve ever read.
Another thing I would love to gush about it the positive depiction of CAMHS, which for those of you outside of the U.K. is the Child and Adolescent Mental Health Service, owned by the NHS. Although I personally believe CAMHS is a brilliant service in which I don’t think I’d be here today without it, it is often painted in a negative light. In my opinion, it isn’t the best service, I’ll admit but that is mainly due to a lack of funding and consideration for mental health. This often means it gets a lot of backlash and criticism. However, Tucker shows it to be an incredibly helpful privilege which really helps her and proves how lucky we are to have access to it.
Moreover, thankfully, Tucker fails to glamorise the sickness and instead includes visceral and graphic descriptions of the impact of starvation and malnourishment in which I cannot even stomach the idea of repeating. I think it’s vital to not paint anorexia in a positive light or convey the idea it is something one should covet. It’s deadly. Fatal. Life ruining. Wrong ideas about it lead to stigma and stereotypes which we already have far too much off in the mental health community.
Another thing I adored was Nancy often writing about how it influenced her relationships with her peers. Whether that be her sister, parents or friends, she wrote about it all. It clearly conveys the fact that eating disorders don’t just affect you. They affect everyone around you, whether you want them to or not. It shows Nancy as she retreats into isolation to conceal her eating disorder and how this damaged and broke the bonds with her closest friends. This is unfortunately something I am far too familiar with and I really, really regret it. Seeing this part of my life represented and related with Nancy's was a huge comfort.
In conclusion, this heart wrenching and beautiful story successfully captives the reality and severity of an eating disorder, highlighting the disastrous consequences of denying your body of a basic and human need. With its lyrical prose, it shows how awful they are and fails to glamourise the disease in any way shape or form. Nancy's raw literary voice allows an instant connection between narrator and reader which allows us to understand her sickness completely. The book as a whole was absolutely remarkable. Providing you’re in the right mindset to read this (as it’s often graphic, brutal and painstakingly honest) I would recommend this book to anyone and everyone, not only for the education our society needs on eating disorders but for the incredible story of bravery and recovery.
Love Lucy x
May 31, 2015
This was not an easy read; it read as a hauntingly honest and mature account of Nancy's battles with anorexia told in Nancy's own unique manner, through bits of journals, 'How To' articles and scripts.
I must admit I was a little worried upon picking this book up, that it would somehow romanticise anorexia and other eating disorders or shift-blame around the plate (to media, single-sex schools and the like) but Nancy reassured me in the foreword of her intentions and worries, namely that this book would '...serve the notorious 'cheat-sheet' purpose often attributed to eating disorder memoirs'. I'm pleased to note that it was no such thing and she remained true to her purpose throughout.
This novel was, in a way, a terrifying read, and although I could have easily finished reading it in one sitting, I found myself having to put it down and wallow in the emotions she provoked. It was, nevertheless, captivating, and a book I most definitely recommend for those that wish to brave the fall into the mind of a girl with anorexia. It's definitely not for everyone; it's very raw and emotion/thought provoking, but it's also most definitely worth a read.
I must admit I was a little worried upon picking this book up, that it would somehow romanticise anorexia and other eating disorders or shift-blame around the plate (to media, single-sex schools and the like) but Nancy reassured me in the foreword of her intentions and worries, namely that this book would '...serve the notorious 'cheat-sheet' purpose often attributed to eating disorder memoirs'. I'm pleased to note that it was no such thing and she remained true to her purpose throughout.
This novel was, in a way, a terrifying read, and although I could have easily finished reading it in one sitting, I found myself having to put it down and wallow in the emotions she provoked. It was, nevertheless, captivating, and a book I most definitely recommend for those that wish to brave the fall into the mind of a girl with anorexia. It's definitely not for everyone; it's very raw and emotion/thought provoking, but it's also most definitely worth a read.
February 12, 2020
Eating disorder fuel
This book is well written, captivating at points. But it’s also pure fuel for eating disorder sufferers. The author writes at the beginning that she won’t use numbers of her weight throughout the text, yet she uses other measuring methods such as her dress size and how much her school skirt falls off of her. I can honestly see how even someone who has never suffered from an eating disorder, could find this triggering. Don’t think it is something that should be out in the public with such a negative and struggling overall message. Spoiler: it doesn’t seem like she ever really recovers and is stuck in this cycle.
This book is well written, captivating at points. But it’s also pure fuel for eating disorder sufferers. The author writes at the beginning that she won’t use numbers of her weight throughout the text, yet she uses other measuring methods such as her dress size and how much her school skirt falls off of her. I can honestly see how even someone who has never suffered from an eating disorder, could find this triggering. Don’t think it is something that should be out in the public with such a negative and struggling overall message. Spoiler: it doesn’t seem like she ever really recovers and is stuck in this cycle.
April 3, 2016
▪️I didn't like the frequent capitalisation of words, it did nothing but contribute to the loss of effect of what she was trying to stress
▪️Many people have said that her writing style is immature. Whilst I do not disagree, I think it is relevant to the age at which she suffered. At the start, when Nancy was 12 and she first became anorexic, her writing style is relevant to the age, now, in her 20s, her writing style has matured.
▪️This book provides great insight into the world of both anorexia nervosa and bulimia nervosa
▪️Despite the topic, it was a strangely enjoyable read.
▪️Many people have said that her writing style is immature. Whilst I do not disagree, I think it is relevant to the age at which she suffered. At the start, when Nancy was 12 and she first became anorexic, her writing style is relevant to the age, now, in her 20s, her writing style has matured.
▪️This book provides great insight into the world of both anorexia nervosa and bulimia nervosa
▪️Despite the topic, it was a strangely enjoyable read.
April 18, 2017
3.25 stars
Not sure about this really.
How would it be right to say "I liked this" or for that matter "I hated it".
This is somebody's life story.
It was hard for me to read and really frustrating at times.
Something I felt very uncomfortable with is the way she referred to her eating disorder and people in her life. It was a very infantile style that I felt weird about. Personal opinion though.
Not sure about this really.
How would it be right to say "I liked this" or for that matter "I hated it".
This is somebody's life story.
It was hard for me to read and really frustrating at times.
Something I felt very uncomfortable with is the way she referred to her eating disorder and people in her life. It was a very infantile style that I felt weird about. Personal opinion though.
November 17, 2017
Too wordy, too self-indulgent, too hypocritical. There were some moments of really lovely and exquisite prose, but on the whole the book just felt bogged down by its own verbosity and by its enjoyment in stating the impossible (not eating for three months), as though challenging other ED sufferers to compete in the Suffering Olympics.
September 13, 2019
I want to preface this by saying if you’ve ever had disordered eating then you shouldn’t read this book.
The author attempts to make it not triggering by not mentioning numbers but she then goes on the mention not eating for x days and tips and tricks that are very disordered.
There were some lovely and meaningful passages but I couldn’t get past how triggering it was.
The author attempts to make it not triggering by not mentioning numbers but she then goes on the mention not eating for x days and tips and tricks that are very disordered.
There were some lovely and meaningful passages but I couldn’t get past how triggering it was.
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