How I Lost You

by Jenny Blackhurst

A woman without a memory struggles to discover the truth about her past and her identity in this cerebral and dark thriller reminiscent of works by bestselling authors S.J. Watson and Ruth Ware.

I have no memory of what happened but I was told I killed my son. And you believe what your loved ones, your doctor and the police tell you, don't you? My name is Emma Cartwright. Three years ago I was Susan Webster, and I murdered my twelve-week-old son Dylan. I was sent to Oakdale Psychiatric Institute for my crime, and four weeks ago I was released early on parole with a new identity, address, and a chance to rebuild my tattered life. This morning, I received an envelope addressed to Susan Webster. Inside it was a photograph of a toddler called Dylan. Now I am questioning everything I believe because if I have no memory of the event, how can I truly believe he's dead? If there was the smallest chance your son was alive, what would you do to get him back?

Genres: Thriller, Mystery, Fiction, Crime, Mystery Thriller, Psychological Thriller, Audiobook

352 pages, Paperback

First published October 9, 2014

Reviews

[Chelsea Humphrey · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is the type of book that is my worst nightmare come to life; any mother of small children knows what a delicate, fragile state you are in during your kid's first year of life and the premise of this story is so real and hard to swallow that it makes for a powerful read. As a woman who has struggled with postpartum depression/anxiety previously, I could totally relate to Susan Webster on a certain level. No, I didn't kill either of my children, but I've visited some deep, dark places that I would never wish upon anyone. I could give a trigger warning for those who have been through a similar experience, as it very well might be too much for someone too close to that current situation, but as a survivor of this type of mental illness I felt wholly capable of reading this book without it being too disturbing to my psyche. Proceed at your own caution, but know that this book was well worth the time and emotional effort required of me to read it, in my humble opinion.

What immediately grabbed me with How I Lost You was the format in which the story is told. The prologue is Susan's letter to her parole board in a plea for consideration of release and also as a confession of remorse toward the horrible act she committed. After that, each chapter mostly alternates between present day, which is directly after Susan is released from prison and has changed her name officially to Emma, and these flashbacks to a group of boys committing atrocities that are seemingly unrelated to the present day. There are multiple mysteries that tie together into a single storyline, which is just the type of read I love most. The intrigue between each thread that appeared to be separate coming together was what really won me over, and I was gripped from beginning to end. This was a bit of a slow burn in the beginning that picked up over time, and until the end was more of a psychological suspense than a full blown thriller with action sequences.

I can certainly see why this book was so popular in the UK that it made it's way across the pond to be published in the US as well; with the twisty psychological thriller still being highly coveted, How I Lost You has remained wholly relevant on the mystery/thriller/suspense scene, even after multiple years between publications. It won't be for everyone, and those who are particular savvy with psychological thrillers may figure out the ending, but I can honestly say I didn't have it all solved and only picked up on parts here and there. I felt the ending was perfect; while there was much needed closure on the big mystery, it also left a bit to the imagination which is always appreciated here. If you enjoy a book full of twisted suspense that is dark, gripping, and a bit disturbing, go ahead and pick up Jenny Blackhurst's How I Lost You and add it to your fall line up!

*Many thanks to the publisher for providing my copy; it was a pleasure to provide my honest thoughts here. 

[Berit☀️✨ · Rating 3 out of 5]

3 disappointed stars 😔

I have decided I’m going to give this book a complement sandwich... for those of you that don’t know what that is, you tell somebody something good and then something bad and then something good again.... so I guess the good is the bread and the bad is what is in the sandwich....

I thought the basic premise of this book was really interesting, it definitely caught my attention as something I wanted to read.....

This was a Traveling Sister read and of the 7 that started it only 3 of us finished....the beginning of the story was very muddled.... The characters were really hard to connect with ALL of them.... some of the best books I have ever read have characters I don’t like, however I can understand their motivations, these characters I just had absolutely NO idea.... there are also two different storylines going on that appeared completely disconnected and I don’t know what it was but it was really jarring with this book....



However, I was interested enough to finish this book.... I really wanted to know how the author was going to pull this all together and she did (even if it was extremely convoluted)....There were some definite tense page turning moments towards the end of this book, and I really appreciated the fact that Brenda and Marie Alyce stuck it out with me, so I had somebody to vent to when I was done! OK this might be the world‘s worst complement sandwich, but I tried!

In a market saturated with some pretty darn good psychological thrillers, I unfortunately cannot recommend this book, however I have heard her first book was a lot better!

[Sonja Rosa Lisa ♡ · Rating 5 out of 5]

Susan Webster hat ihren drei Monate alten Sohn mit einem Kissen erstickt und hat dafür ihre Straße verbüßt. An die Tat selbst kann sie sich auch nach Jahren nicht erinnern. Nun möchte sie in einer neuen Stadt und mit einem neuen Namen ihr Leben weiterführen, doch da erhält sie einen anonymen Brief. Enthalten ist das Foto eines 4-jährigen Jungen - ihres Sohnes! Doch kann das sein, lebt ihr Kind noch? Was ist damals geschehen?
***
Mein Leseeindruck:
Dieser Thriller hat mich wirklich gepackt. Es hat zwar ein paar Seiten mehr gebraucht, mich einzulesen, aber dann war ich in der Geschichte gefangen.
Es gibt zwei Erzählstränge und zunächst ist unklar, was beide miteinander zu tun haben und wer die Charaktere im zweiten Strang sind. Doch im Laufe der Geschichte wird alles entwirrt und miteinander verknüpft.
Zugegeben, die Geschichte ist recht wild und vielleicht auch unglaubwürdig, aber ich war trotzdem total gefesselt und einfach neugierig, wie alles zusammenhängt.
Wenn eine Geschichte mich so packen kann, dann muss ich ihr einfach fünf Sterne geben :)

[Sunflowerbooklover · Rating 3 out of 5]

I have to start off by saying how much of a fan I am of Jenny Blackhurst! She has slowly climbed up my top favorite ladder of authors. I was able to read her novel "Before I Let you In" and I was floored with her talent. So, as you can say I was extremely excited to be given the opportunity to read "How I lost you".

Here we are introduced to Susan Webster who has just been released from Oakdale Psychiatric Institution for murdering her 3 month old baby boy. Susan has the chance to start a new life living under her new name as "Emma Cartwright." Emma has no recollection of the terrible crime that she committed and is having such a hard time wrapping her head around that she could murder her sweet baby boy Dylan.

Susan aka Emma is starting to re-build her life when strange things start to happen to her. Emma receives a mysterious envelope that is addressed to her former name Susan Webster. How does anyone know her new address and where she is?! The envelope holds a key to Susan's past... a photo of her TODDLER Dylan?! What.... isn't her son dead? She was charged with suffocating her son with a pillow? How can this be?! Susan is determined to find the answers about her son and what truly happened that horrible day she was charged of murdering her son. Now, if that doesn't grab you.. I don't know what will! ;)

How I lost you is a gripping thriller that is told from Susan's point of view. The novel's pace/buildup was unfortunately a little slow for my taste. I was having a hard time connecting to the characters and understanding exactly what was going on in the beginning. Finally, around 50 percent the plot starts to bubble up and grabs your attention.

I was a little annoyed at how Susan/Emma's character was so naive and quick to trust/believe every character in the book. She is supposed to be living under a new identity. So, that was a little odd to me. At times, in the book I literally wanted to hit her over the head and was screaming at her to SEE the red flags!!

The ending and surprise to the story was lacking for me big time. I found the story to be a little over the top with it being some what ridiculous. The previous novel I read by Blackhurst had so many twists and turns and I was shocked by the ending. I was disappointed that I didn't enjoy this one more. I still am a huge fan of Blackhurst and look forward to seeing more from her :).

Overall 3 stars on this one.
Thank you to Netgalley, Atria, and Jenny Blackhurst for the advanced arc.
Publication date: 10/10/17.

[Brenda ~The Sisters~Book Witch · Rating 2 out of 5]

Short and quick review for this Sister Read with Marialyce and Berit.

I read How I Lost You with two of my Traveling Sisters. The group started with seven of us and only three of us were left standing. This one tested our ability to suspend disbelief throughout the whole story and pushing us over the edge with the ending. It was fun and entertaining and there was some great tension that kept us going to to see how this one played out. It brought out a great discussion and we really enjoyed reading this one together.

Thank you, NetGalley, Atria Books and Jenny Blackhurst for a copy to read and review.

[Carrie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Susan Webster has spent the last few years of her life in the Oakdale Psychiatric Institute ever since being charged with killing her three month old son, Dylan. Susan doesn't remember what happened that terrible day when her son died. Over the years though Susan has been led to believe from the doctors that she suffered from depression after Dylan's birth causing her to take actions without any memory of them.

Now that Susan has been released she has changed her name to Emma Cartwright to hide from her past and what she had done and try to begin her life again. However someone doesn't seem to want her to move on from the past when she finds a picture left at her doorstep of a beautiful little boy and written on the back is the name Dylan leading Susan to believe her son is still alive. With the help of a friend and reporter Susan plans to find out just what happened that day to her little boy.

How I Lost You by Jenny Blackhurst is s psychological thriller that is mostly told from the point of view of Susan, a grieving mother that had been accused of suffocating her baby that is now out of the hospital. Some parts also flash back to other characters to tell another side of the story of just what led up to that day that Susan lost her baby boy and who was behind it.

The story of a child's life at stake is certainly one that I found quite compelling. I found myself quickly turning the pages to find out if I should be rooting for Susan or perhaps hating her if she had killed her child. As the story unfolded I'm still not quite sure if I'm a huge fan of the ending overall but I didn't take off too much of the rating as I was definitely interested in getting to the end.

I received an advance copy from the publisher via NetGalley.

For more reviews please visit https://carriesbookreviews.wordpress....

[ReadAlongWithSue recovering from a stroke★⋆. ࿐࿔]

I tried. I really tried.

The plot was a bit OTT for me.

So she’s no memory and she’s been told she’s killed her son.
OK initial shock.
Wouldn’t you later think about it and ask how, where and why, what proof, why do you think it was me? Surely you know yourself well enough memory or no memory.

Maybe I’m just too logical. I don’t know.

Then there were too many characters in this story I got lost, especially two of them having similar names Josh and Joss.
I kept having to flick back pages to cement things in my brain.

Anyway, after reading this I looked at other reviews. I’m so glad I’m not the only one that felt like this.

I’m not put off though. I’ll try another book at a later date from this author.

[Marialyce · Rating 2 out of 5]

Sometimes a book can have too much going on and overwhelm the reader with seemingly unrelated material that just does not fit the story line. That is what occurred in this novel. The first third of the book left me scratching my head and wondering what the heck was going on. The sequential chapters of Emma/Susan, the woman who was convicted of killing her newborn son due to postpartum depression, and the young teens/adults sowing their very wild oats left this reader quite perplexed. I would have quit there but I needed to see how this author would resolve if indeed she could all these very loose ends.

This was one of those books where one would roll their eyes and think that the main character after serving time could really not be that naive. She was such a pawn in everyone's hands and as the author swung those many dangling story pieces and culminated with an ending that also made my eyes roll, I had to think of this being an experience where too much was going on.

Needless, to say, I do not recommend this book to those who enjoy suspense and thrillers. “I guess love is the real suspension of disbelief.” And I really did not love this book even a bit.

Thanks to Brenda and Berit, who trudged through this book with me.

[Jood · Rating 1 out of 5]

Susan Webster was convicted of killing her twelve week old son, Dylan. After serving only three years in a psychiatric hospital she is out on parole having given herself a new name - Emma Cartwright, which is actually used maybe twice during the whole of this book. For company she has Cassie, also a murderer, who befriended her whilst incarcerated. This unlikely pair now live in Ludlow, a small town in Shropshire. Now wouldn't you think that a woman wanting to live anonymously, would chose a large city rather than a small town where people notice someone new? People are naturally nosey, but Susan (now Emma) chooses a town with a relatively small population, in which to hide! Yes, really.

Four weeks after her release, certain events have Susan beginning to believe that Dylan is, in fact, still alive. She enlists the help of Nick, a journalist who turns up at her door out of the blue. This despite the fact that apparently no-one knows her identity, or where she lives....sheesh. She trusts Nick implicitly - aah, it's those electric blue eyes and the muscled torso hidden underneath that crisp white shirt that does it. Sometime later, within minutes of meeting a solicitor she is imagining going on a date with him...."He smells expensive, and in a tailored Armani suit he looks it too. He must be under forty, well built, and his face has been chiselled by a steady hand" Oh - almost forgot - he also has mesmerising eyes. Say no more.

Susan is constantly in tears, or on the verge of tears. Her heart thuds, pounds, tightens, splits, and quickens; her blood freezes, her face gets hot - sounds like the menopause to me.

This is one of the most ridiculous books I have ever read. I began reading it in the hope of a good psychological thriller, but what I got was dreadful dialogue, a plot with more holes than a mature Swiss cheese, and a narrative to match. The author's attempts at humour fall flat, and the superfluous details about Susan's emotions and imaginings not only add nothing to the story but are truly tiresome. I found most of the characters unpleasant; Susan is self-pitying and pathetic, I could not have cared less what happened to her or her friends.

Every so often we are treated to chapters - written entirely in italics which can be hard on the eyes - concerning the antics of a group of teenagers back in 1992. This is all so confusing and confused, and intensely irritating.

The writing is often juvenile, for example: ..."Billy brought Tanya back to their place. A pair of tits with legs. Tanya was tight in all the right places, but more amazingly, she could write and spell". Well of course she can, and that's what's important. Right?

Reading this is like being hit repeatedly with a sledgehammer; it has been torturous from the beginning. It's a complete mish mash and I wanted to throw it out the window, or on the fire. However I eventually decided to approach it as a "spoof" thriller. Even this was a stretch; I alternated between huffing and puffing in exasperation, and laughing out loud, so much so my husband has worried about my sanity. Not surprisingly the ending is predictable and weak. It is no surprise to me to learn that the author was "addicted to romance novels" in her teen years; this novel smacks of teenage writing and would probably appeal to a newcomer to the genre of psychological thriller. As for my copy - well, I won't be keeping it.

My thanks to Amazon Vine for an advanced copy to read and review.

[Paul Weiss · Rating 2 out of 5]

“… a 99.999% DNA match. So there it is, in black and white. My son is alive.”

Some women suffer from post-partum depression, some much more so than others. Three years earlier, Susan Webster was convicted of murdering her newborn son Dylan. After serving a two year term in Oakdale Psychiatric Institute, now ostensibly recovered from her battle with puerperal psychosis and separated from her former husband, Ms Webster moves with her best friend to a new town and assumes an alias, Emma Cartwright, to begin life anew. But that new life is torn apart when she receives an envelope addressed to her as Susan Webster that contains a photo of a handsome young toddler captioned with her son’s name, Dylan. With no memories of actually committing a murder, she begins to believe that she is innocent and that her son is alive. The hunt for the truth begins and the path to that new reality is a twisted and byzantine route fraught with danger.

The poignant plot premise is certainly full of exciting and intriguing possibilities but Ms Blackhurst’s execution leaves a great deal to be desired. Too many characters, too many plot holes, and a fractured, disjointed and extremely tortuous story line that is difficult in the extreme to follow. In fact, in the final analysis, virtually nobody in the entire novel retains the identity with which they were introduced to the reader. Throughout the entire story line, Ms Blackhurst’s characters, both good and bad, are making decisions with what would appear to be a complete lack of common sense and rational judgment. Now I’ll admit that thrillers are supposed to puzzle the reader and force them into attempting to solve the mystery and beat the author to the solution. But HOW I LOST YOU simply goes over the top with the red herrings, and all of the twists, turns, and about-faces.

The difference between a 1-star rating and a 2-star rating is simply the fact that I finished it. Not recommended, I’m afraid.

Paul Weiss

[Book Addict Shaun · Rating 2 out of 5]

Like most bloggers when I saw the proofs for How I Lost You I wanted to read it. Unfortunately the best thing about the book is its blurb and that proof cover. I don't really write reviews for books I would rate less than 3 stars, but given my disappointment with this book and the fact that I somehow managed to finish it, I wanted to get my frustration out somewhere. It's hard for me to fully explain my issues without possibly spoiling the book so read on with that warning.

Susan Webster is released from a psychiatric institute with a new identity as Emma Cartwright after she murdered her twelve-week-old son Dylan. Emma receives a letter addressed to Susan Webster, containing a photograph of a toddler named Dylan. (Well there's most of the suspense gone) and with no memory of the event she must somehow try and put the pieces back together and remember what happened three years ago.

The first thing is that I just couldn't take to the character of Susan. I was pretty detached and emotionless throughout the whole of this novel just due to the fact that she's actually a quite stupid character, put into contrived situation after contrived situation. Rather than move to a major city, she moves to somewhere quiet where new residents stick out like a sore thumb. After the letter it becomes clear somebody is watching her, and to the rescue comes a journalist (yes, really) who rather than use Susan for a story like any other journalist would, he practically moves hundreds of miles from his home to 'protect' her and we then have instant romance with Susan practically throwing herself at him (glaringly obvious from the start that he had an agenda). Susan makes rash and impulsive decisions that you wouldn't expect somebody that has been through what she has been through to make. With most of the characters that we meet appearing shady and untrustworthy, it was like a bad movie where the main character would wake up at the end and realise it was all a dream.

The writing style and language used is quite juvenile at times. The tension and suspense in the book is virtually non-existent. I actually found myself as I was reading coming up in my head with different scenarios as to what could have happened to Susan three years ago and imagining my own plot twists. There is of course a suspension of disbelief when it comes to psychological thrillers, but not as the expense of the reader's intelligence. The actual culmination itself, the 'reveal', didn't really redeem the book either and felt rushed. In the background of the story, we have italicised chapters featuring a bunch of male teenagers becoming adults and carrying out some particularly evil acts along the way, the ringleader in particular was probably one of the more interesting characters and whilst I can see what the author was trying to do, it just didn't work for me. There's also far too many characters that at times I had trouble remembering who was who which meant that these chapters just confused me until later in the book.

Just because I didn't enjoy the book doesn't mean others won't, probably those that haven't read many thrillers and so are shocked and thrilled by their first forays into the genre. I imagine seasoned readers will agree that this is pretty mediocre. Therefore I wouldn't personally recommend this book to a friend but I would say to readers maybe take a chance on it and see what you think.

[Jules · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is an absolutely thrilling debut novel.

Incredibly exciting, fast-paced, edge of your seat roller coaster of a ride, packed full of twists and turns.

The characters are well developed and likeable, but be warned, you won’t know which ones to trust.

I don’t even have any children, but this had me feeling like I was grieving for a child I never had. I went through a variety of emotions throughout this experience, including fear, as it is very dark in some places, and I even cried at the end.

This is a very promising start from the author. I already can’t wait to read her next novel.

You won’t want to put this down!

Book description (it really is as good as it sounds):

They told her she killed her son. She served her time. But what if they lied?

I have no memory of what happened but I was told I killed my son. And you believe what your loved ones, your doctor and the police tell you, don't you?

My name is Emma Cartwright. Three years ago I was Susan Webster, and I murdered my twelve-week-old son Dylan. I was sent to Oakdale Psychiatric Institute for my crime, and four weeks ago I was released early on parole with a new identity, address and a chance to rebuild my tattered life.

This morning, I received an envelope addressed to Susan Webster. Inside it was a photograph of a toddler called Dylan. Now I am questioning everything I believe because if I have no memory of the event, how can I truly believe he's dead?

If there was the smallest chance your son was alive, what would you do to get him back?

I recommend this to anyone who likes crime, mystery, and psychological thrillers.

I would like to thank the publisher, Headline for allowing me a copy of this book via Netgalley in exchange for an honest review.

[Lindsay L]

Made it to 21% and having a very hard time connecting with this. I'm going to set this aside as I don't think it is going to work for me.

[Paul · Rating 5 out of 5]

How I Lost You – Beautifully Twisted Thriller

How I Lost You is the absolutly stunning debut thriller from Jenny Blackhurst which draws you in from the beginning, grabs you by the throat and leaves you in tears at the end. This has to be one of the most beautiful twisted thrillers I have read in a long time where you are kept on your toes throughout the story and the twists and turns come when you least expect them which makes this such a brilliant example of the thriller genre.

How Jenny Blackhurst can evoke the feelings of sympathy for a child killer is unbelievable but it works so well that by half way through you have to remind yourself of what she was convicted of in a court of law but it is about then you really are questioning that conviction. Jenny Blackhurst has crafted a stunning page turner of a debut novel that evokes all kinds of inner turmoil and the age old question will right win over wrong.

Emma Cartwright used to be known as Susan Webster mother of Dylan and wife to Mark until she was convicted of his murder due to post-natal depression, she is now free and living alone in Ludlow Shropshire, her only friend Cass, a murderer, her visitor and friend. She receives a picture of her dead son that suggests that the child is still alive.

The confusion and loneliness could send Susan in to all kinds of downward spirals, especially when her house is broken in to and a cat killed on her bed, or her door showered in red paint. So begins her slow journey with Cass in to finding out what really is the truth. Throughout her enquiries she has to question whether what she has been told is really the truth and at the same time she seems to be the victim of someone’s vendetta against her. That vendetta is there to keep questioning her own sanity the one thing she knows she is fragile and someone is out to stop her finding the truth.

Throughout the book you think you may just have the answer when there is yet another subtle twist that keeps reminding you not to jump to conclusions. At times you think your own sanity is being tested as you follow Emma/Susan’s journey and feel the highs and lows and even question the trail of evidence that has been presented to you.

This is a clever and brilliant debut by Jenny Blackhurst, How I Lost You, is a thriller that could easily become a classic of the genre. Read, enjoy and be amazed at this beautifully twisted crime thriller.

[Malia · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5 stars

This book started out slow, but really picked up speed about a quarter of the way through, and I didn't really know who the guilty person was until the very end. Lots of twists and unexpected turns, and a story I found quite intriguing. I think this book lost half a star because I read it right after Sophie McKenzie's CLOSE MY EYES, which tells a very similar story, but with a far more likeable protagonist, coming out the more favourable book of the two. Nonetheless, this was fast-paced and well-written, and I will definitely keep an eye out for Jenny Blackhurst in the future!

Find more reviews and bookish fun at http://www.princessandpen.com

[Sean Peters · Rating 3 out of 5]

A debut psychological crime novel

They told her she killed her son. She served her time. But what if they lied?

I have no memory of what happened but I was told I killed my son. And you believe what your loved ones, your doctor and the police tell you, don't you?

My name is Emma Cartwright. Three years ago I was Susan Webster, and I murdered my twelve-week-old son Dylan. I was sent to Oakdale Psychiatric Institute for my crime, and four weeks ago I was released early on parole with a new identity, address and a chance to rebuild my tattered life.

This morning, I received an envelope addressed to Susan Webster. Inside it was a photograph of a toddler called Dylan. Now I am questioning everything I believe because if I have no memory of the event, how can I truly believe he's dead?

If there was the smallest chance your son was alive, what would you do to get him back?

The book starts with a letter from convicted child killer Susan Webster to a parole board seeking understanding and release. Four years ago she was found guilty of the murder of her three month old son Dylan. The cause of death was suffocation which was blamed on Susan’s post-natal depression, although she remembers no details of the incident.

With the help of Cassie, her friend from Oakdale, and her new acquaintance Nick, a journalist, Susan sets out to discover if her son really is alive. This takes her on a journey to Durham University as she uncovers the buried secrets of her husband's past.

I found the number of characters confusing and often had to go back and reread. Similar names like Joss and Josh also jarred, and a little far fetched at the end.

But a reasonable entertaining book.

A difficult book to review and score, parts were good, other were a little over the top, other parts I became a little lost.

Three stars I think is fair

[DeAnna · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book kept me guessing till the end. I have been bored by most thrillers lately, I read so many they start to get repetitive, but this one was not that way. I was caught of guard by the twists and turns this book takes, in a good way! I really enjoyed it!

[Liz Barnsley · Rating 4 out of 5]

Really enjoyed this one – an absolute and complete page turner that had me completely enthralled. Took me ages to see where it was going as well, which is always a huge plus point when it comes to mystery and thriller novels, where surprises are few and far between no matter how good they are. And this one was good!

So we have Emma then. She is in her second life if you like, her first being that of Susan Webster, child murderer. She does not remember what happened but has grown to accept that she did, indeed, smother her child. Then a picture arrives and everything changes…

There was a huge mix of things to love about this tale – firstly Susan (Or Emma) herself who is haunted by a past she cannot quite recall and scared of a future that she cannot see. Her closest friend is one she met while in the Institute, the dynamic of this duo is one of the particular strengths of the novel – Cassie is an endlessly fascinating character, one who I warmed to, abrasive as she was, and the deep and lasting yet often confrontational relationship they have is particularly well drawn.

Then we have the mystery element – is it possible at all that Susan has been lied to and Dylan is still alive? As she begins to hope, you are completely drawn into events as they unfold – determined to uncover the truth, yet questioning herself at every turn, it is often sad yet absolutely compelling. There are flashback portions of the book that tell a story from a different viewpoint and as the two threads come together you will not be able to stop reading until you find out what happens.

Other people are thrown into the mix as Susan develops new relationships and reconsiders old ones…it is at times a bit of an emotional rollercoaster, at times a bit of a thrill ride and always completely addictive and beautifully written.

Definitely highly recommended for fans of psychological thrillers.

Happy Reading Folks!

[Elaine · Rating 2 out of 5]

The concept of this book really intrigued – Susan Webster is released on parole from a psychiatric unit where she has spent the past four years after being found guilty of the murder of her 12 week old son Dylan. She has no memory of the murder and has been diagnosed as suffering from puerperal psychosis. Upon her release she takes on a new identity in a new town but pretty soon it becomes apparent that someone has discovered who she is. When someone sends her a photograph of a little boy who would be the same age as Dylan, with the words “Dylan, December 2013” on the back, she starts to doubt what she has been told.

Unfortunately after a while the book seemed to go off kilter and I did have some problems with it.

Would someone released on parole be allowed to be in regular contact with another ex prisoner?

An awful lot of people seemed to be able to track her down, despite her new identity, with no difficulty at all. Some of them were explained, but not all of them.

The story is told from Susan’s point of view as well as through flashbacks starting in 1987 and ending in 1992, where we meet a group of teenage boys and follow them through to their university years. It does take some time for the connections to become apparent but in the end it all merges together in quite a complex plotline. You do need to suspend your disbelief on this one as the story does become quite far fetched, and I have to say it was a bit too far fetched for me.

Susan herself is quite a strange character. She seemed very willing to trust people on face value at first sight, whereas I would have expected her to be more cautious because of the situation she was in. I do have to say that the author did do a good job of keeping the suspense going, I thought I knew who was responsible for what was going on, but I was wrong.

To sum up, I feel really disappointed that I was disappointed with this one, as I had high hopes for it. Thanks to the publishers for the review copy.

[Laura · Rating 2 out of 5]

It's a real pity when a blurb overshadows the actual book itself; like many readers, I was attracted to the mysterious notion of a woman who has killed her own child whilst in the depths of postnatal psychosis - or has she? Unfortunately, much of the story is riddled with plot holes and one dimensional characters give it a feel of an amateurish attempt at the thriller genre.

This book takes some patience: throughout the first half I was struggling to connect with lead character Susan (or Emma, her new identity following release from a psychiatric institution). The author makes attempts at personalising Susan to make the reader feel sorry for her, but this comes across slapdash. There are also far too many cliches with regard to Susan's struggles with the first few weeks of motherhood.

Surprisingly, the book picks up midway and I felt that perhaps I could be proved wrong. Sadly, with continual flashbacks to a group of boys during their uni days in the early nineties makes the plot line difficult to follow.

Perhaps rather generously, I've rated this book two stars because I felt there was some potential in terms of the intriguing storyline. The writing isn't something I enjoyed here, so I would give the authors next book a wide berth.

[Vicki_cosy.books · Rating 4 out of 5]

Wow. Talk about being sucked into a book from the very first page! Jenny Blackhurst certainly knows how to grab her reader and hang on to them until the very last page. I was hooked to this book, spurred on by the small chapters, sometimes only a couple of pages long but always leaving me needing to read 'just one more'.

How I Lost You tells the story of Emma/Susan,who after being convicted for the murder of her newborn son has just been released with a new identity. Still unable to remember that fateful day, she sets about starting over her life. But then strange things begin to happen and the doubts she's always had about the incident three years ago resurface.Susan is convinced she didn't kill her son. More so, she's sure he's still alive.

This is an edge of your seat, gripping read which will refuse to let you go. I was fascinated by Susan's story, horrified at the possibilities and suspicious of every character-never quite trusting anyone. Jenny Blackhurst twists her story in a number of unexpected ways, I never knew exactly how it was going to go and was extremely surprised by it's eventual direction. I had to know what had happened and read this book in two sittings.

How I Lost You takes on some dark and disturbing subjects. There's obsession, revenge, control and manipulation...creating a thrilling emotional mix. The book takes an even dark and sinister turn around two thirds through, and wasn't always comfortable to read, but it's a twist I hadn't been expecting and is something I haven't come across before. I did feel the character of Susan was at times a little too naive, considering the things she'd gone through, but that would be my only criticism. For the most part, this book is exactly what a reader of psychological thrillers wants; a twisty plot, fast paced and addictive writing and an explosive ending. Recommended!

[Karen · Rating 4 out of 5]

The story begins when Susan Webster is released from a psychiatric hospital after serving a three year sentence for killing her 3 month old baby. At the time was she was diagnosed with severe post natal depression; she still has no memory of that tragic event and has spent much of her imprisonment trying to focus on the happy memories of time spent with her son. Upon her release, she changes her name and moves away – she might expect that she would be left alone to pick up the threads of her life but it seems that someone has other ideas…

Nobody, apart from the authorities and her best friend Cassy (a fellow inmate, also now released) was supposed to know where Susan was living. However, whilst alone in her new home, an envelope was pushed through her door; it contained a photograph of a young boy and written on the back was “Dylan – January 2013”. How was this possible, Dylan was dead – Susan killed him. Surely somebody had to be playing a sick joke? However when events escalate and become even more sinister, Susan has to find out the truth. Is her boy still alive and if so, why was she found guilty of his murder?

This story had me gripped from the very first page. The premise of the story was original and certainly kept my interest all the way through. When Susan was first released, she had no–one to turn to, apart from Cassy. Her husband Mark had divorced her whilst she was imprisoned and she had turned away from remaining family and friends. When a journalist, Nick, suddenly arrives on her doorstep, after the delivery of the photograph, alarm bells started ringing for me – how did he know where she lived and why was he there – was it just to get a story?

Despite her initial suspicions, Susan began to rely on Nick just a little too much, too soon. I couldn’t quite understand why she trusted him so much but then maybe I’m a naturally suspicious person!

Running through the story are separate chapters, told in italics and going back in time to 1987, of a group of boys who meet at school and who we follow through to university. At first I couldn’t understand where this fitted it, but the strands do come together and the twists involved here are very well done.

There are quite a few characters to get to grips with but once these are clear in your head, the story does race along and although at times, you do have to suspend disbelief slightly at events, it never becomes dull. The twists are very clever and I was never sure who to trust; it seems that events of the past have far reaching consequences.

Jenny Blackhurst has written a very enjoyable debut thriller. Although towards the end, it did become a little ‘busy’ and the denouement seemed a little rushed, I didn’t guess the outcome although I did have suspicions about certain people. Secrets and lies carry the story along very well and if you just go with the story, I’m sure that you will enjoy this as much as I did.

[Richard · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a marvelous debut novel from the pen of Jenny Blackhurst.
It is a remarkable story of a woman whose life is transformed when she wakes up in a hospital bed to be told she killed her precious son; she serves time in prison on a reduced charge based on severe post-natal depression.
Upon her release she has a new identity, one friend, a fellow murderess who she met inside and little motivation to get on with her life.
All that changes when an envelope addressed in her former name is posted through her door. Inside is a picture of a boy; who is a toddler like her son Dylan would be today if he'd lived. Is this just a trick of her mind that has never remembered the events of that day her life fell apart; did she write the envelope to herself? Is someone playing with her mind who can't forgive her past?
The book explores this loss; depression and manipulation of the truth. Introduced is an older story, that slowly points to some connection in the past to what happened to her and Dylan. The main text is in the first person and very much from a female perspective; the back story is more male orientated and is a good counterpoint to the main account of Susan's life.
What is hard to grasp is how could Dylan still be alive; how could his death have been construed and Susan sent to a Psychiatric Institute if her son hadn't died that day?
This is what turns a story into a gripping thriller with two mysteries the why and the how to be resolved. What is revealed is more shocking than could be imagined and demonstrates the author's fledgeling skills as a fine writer.
The book is bold in its voice and subject matter and contiains a diverse set of characters to appeal to male and female readers alike.
At a time when there seems a clutch of similar stories being reproduced in the crime genre it is refreshing to read such a different approach.
That no-one can be taken at face value is a wonderful gift that Jenny brings to this book and deepens the mystery as Susan wonders who she can trust, including herself with her own suppressed memories. Can the reader even trust Susan, as she is the narrator and doubts everyone including herself?
This is a cracking read; I love it when you find such a brilliant debut novel and you can share and look on the development of a blossoming talent.

[Bookread2day · Rating 5 out of 5]

The police the doctor, and the court told Susan Webster that she had killed her twelve-week-old son Dylan by smothering him with a cushion. But what if they lied? It appears that Susan has no memory of committing this awful crime. The court found Susan Webster guilty and she was sent to Oakdale Psychiatric Insitute for her crime. When Susan is released early on parole with a new identity and address she has the chance to rebuild her tattered life. No one will know her real name or where she lives. But one morning she finds an envelope address to Susan Webster inside was a photograph of a little four-year-old boy called Dylan. As Susan has no memory of killing her son how can she really believe he is dead. The twist in this brilliant psychological crime novel I did not see coming.

[Trish at Between My Lines · Rating 3 out of 5]

This review was originally posted on [Between My Lines]

The whole premise of this book is just intriguing. A woman, who was jailed for murdering her son while suffering from severe post-depression, comes out of prison and gets a photo that indicates her son is still alive. Colour me intrigued, I couldn’t wait to unravel this one.

First Line of How I Lost You by Jenny Blackhurst:

“My name is Susan Webster.”

My Thoughts on How I Lost You by Jenny Blackhurst:

Eeekk, this one captivated me from beginning to end. Now normally the thought of a violent mother would turn me right off but I felt from the get go that Emma was innocent and I had huge empathy for her. Not only was she mourning the death of her son but she was also missing her memories from that day and was carrying the heaviest burden in the world - thinking she had harmed the child who meant everything to her.

But as we know from the very beginning of the book, that may not be the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. There are lots of indications that something very fishy was going on and I couldn’t race through the book fast enough to decipher the events.

I did think Emma was naively trusting and making friends with a reporter was probably not her smartest move. But I spent a lot of time thinking about how quick she was to trust him and it makes sense in a strange kind of way. Firstly there is a bit of chemistry between them but most importantly Emma thinks that her biggest issue is what she has done and not what strangers might have done.

So she wasn’t on her guard but I do think she would at least have done a google search or a facebook search on him. Isn’t that the normal nowadays? She also has a bit of weakness for a good looking man, I can empathise! I liked Nick (the reporter) a lot and could understand why she started to depend on him but still it didn’t seem 100% feasible. On the other hand, I loved the friendship she has with Cassie who was her cellmate in prison. It’s was surprisingly heart-warming and it felt good to know that Cassie was in Emma’s corner.

My biggest surprise was how twisty it all got though. I thought I had it all worked out (and believe me I lost sleep trying to match theories to the facts) but I only guessed half of it. The rest was a complete shock to me and wasn’t what I was expecting. I loved that shock factor I got when the reveal came. It also got a LOT darker than I thought and my opinions of lots of the characters changed as I read.

My one criticism is that it got a little bit melodramatic near the end and the sudden influx of action felt at odds with the rest of the book.

Overall, though I thoroughly enjoyed this debut novel and I loved how it hooked me right in for the duration of the book. Even when I wasn’t reading it, I was thinking about it.

 
Who should read  How I Lost You by Jenny Blackhurst?

I’d recommend this to fans of grit-lit, psychological thrillers with a domestic setting and to those that like books with layers of secrets in them. Fans of Sarah Hillary, Lindwood Barclay, Samantha Hayes and Paula Hawkins should also enjoy this one.

Thanks to Bookbridgr and Headline for giving me a copy of this book in exchange for an honest, unbiased review.

[Frank Phillips · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book tackles some really important issues such as depression and/or postpartumman depression, and it is a mystery about a murder that our protagonist cannot remember committing, so I thought this book was going to be really good when I first started reading it, then about three-quarters of the way through it just dropped significantly for me. Things started to get a little confusing due to the amount of characters (at least for me) and them all going under different names in present-day versus 1992. Then, the plot started getting a little shaky and unrealistic, especially towards the very end. I think overall that's what dropped this read from a solid 3.6 to a flat 3.0 star rating. I'm sure that this is a great author and that her subsequent books will be hits this one just wasn't for me. On to the next!!

[Malina Skrobosinski · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is the first novel I have read by Jenny Blackhurst, and honestly I'm not familiar with her work. This was an interesting read. I thought it was very well written, but on some level I found it to be very complex.

There were an overwhelming amount of characters in this novel. So many at times I found it hard to keep up. Specifically when we're taken to the past and we learn about Jack. Some were well developed, while others I had a hard time differentiating between them. I thought that Jack's character was portrayed well, as a spoiled rich kid who thought he was entitled to anything and everything. On the otherhand, I can't say that I connected to Susan's character all that much. I'm not sure what it was, but maybe it was the lack of emotion we got from her at times.

The storyline was interesting and I have to be honest and say that the ending was so convoluted that I really didn't see it coming. At least not all of it anyway. Some of it was a bit much for me. All that aside, I did find that it was a fast paced read and I did enjoy this book. It was entertaining and definitely a page-turner.

I want to thank NetGalley, Atria Books, and Jenny Blackhurst for the opportunity to read this novel in exchange for my review.

[Stephanie · Rating 2 out of 5]

I received a copy of this title via NetGalley. It does not impact my review.

I really wanted to like this book. It definitely looks like it would be just my type. Unfortunately, it just didn’t really work for me.

The pacing felt off. It seemed to drag on and on until about the last quarter of the book. It took me five days to read this, which is kind of unheard of for me for a book of this size. By the end things started to happen at a faster, more suspenseful pace, but it couldn’t really save it.

The alternating POV and timeline, which I usually am a big fan of, didn’t work for me. The story was told mostly through Susan’s 1st person POV, which I liked, but mixed in were flashback chapters from a group of boys from their high school and college days. Though we know they are obviously involved with Susan’s predicament in some way or another, it takes awhile until a connection is revealed. Besides that, though, I found those portions kind of confusing. Part of the problem could have been that the formatting of the ARC was kind of messed up, which I imagine will be cleaned up in the final published version. But I also think it could’ve used a little more editing.

I did find Susan to be a mostly likable and sympathetic main character, though. I found her frustrating at times, but she had obviously been through a lot. I liked her loyalty to her friend, Cassie, even though I was suspicious of her at times. I also liked Nick, even though I didn’t really trust him, either. While there was obviously many suspicious characters, I’m glad I was wrong about a few of them.

Overall, there was just something missing for me in How I Lost You. While I did ultimately want to find out what really happened, I just didn’t care for most of it and found myself skimming a lot. I think that it could have benefited from a steadier pace in the beginning. I’m sure that there will definitely be people who will enjoy this, though, even if it wasn’t really for me.

Overall Rating (out of 5): 2.5 Stars

[Victoria Goldman · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow - what an emotional roller coaster. How I lost You made me smile, cry, worry and breathe a sigh of relief throughout its 368 pages.

This is the story of Susan Webster who was convicted of killing her baby son, Dylan. She can't remember much from that time, but certainly doesn't remembering wanting him dead. Susan has now been released from prison, after a three-year sentence, and is living under the name Emma Cartwright, desperately trying to make a new life for herself. But someone keeps sending packages to Susan Webster, telling her that her son is still alive.

How I Lost You was a well-written fast-paced thriller. It kept me guessing all the way until its dark creepy end, when the final twists were revealed. Not everything in the story was realistic or believable, and I questioned at times how Susan/Emma could be so trusting after everything she had experienced. However, this was a great debut, and compelling page turner, and I will be looking out for more books from Jenny Blackhurst.

I received a paperback copy from the publisher through BookBridgr in exchange for an honest review (and I bought the ebook version too).

[Lynn · Rating 5 out of 5]

ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT!

Any review would take away from the genius of this book. It all seems to revolve around a mother killing her son and the aftermath of her actions but this is SO much more than that! Whilst I don't want to take away from the initial storyline which in itself is pretty harrowing you are soon drawn into a world of suspicion, deception and revenge that you won't see coming!

This deserves a much better front cover as that alone is misleading but the blurb for the book makes it read very much like a book written by a woman for women and I feel it's totally misleading given the nature of the crimes involved. Any gender would get as much out of reading this and I hope that isn't lost when it's published in April 2015.

I, for one, will be telling many of my crime loving customers about this one!