A Beginner's Guide to Invading Earth

Beginner's Guide to Invading Earth #1

by Gerhard Gehrke

What would you do if you found a dead alien on a lonely highway? Was it an accident, sabotage, or murder? And why is everyone blaming Jeff? The extraterrestrials aren't waiting for answers. They want revenge. And Jeff isn't ready for company.His only hope is an outcast mechanic from another world and a woman who might do anything to get off planet, including selling out her own kind. Jeff has to get to the bottom of why there are so many alien bodies piling up and who is really responsible. A science fiction adventure novel, A Beginner's Guide to Invading Earth tells the story of a reclusive ex-computer programmer who is the unwitting central figure of a plot to keep humanity from ever making first contact.

Genres: Science Fiction, Fiction, Aliens, Humor

300 pages, Paperback

First published January 14, 2015

About the author

Gerhard Gehrke is the author of several science fiction novels including the best seller Refuge and The Minder’s War series, Nineveh's Child, A Beginner's Guide to Invading Earth, and the Supervillain High series.

He's written and produced for local TV and currently creates story content for a video game company.

You can keep up with him at gerhardgehrke.com.

When not writing, he can be found hiking the hills and trails of Northern California with his wife, looking for snakes, insects, and raptors to annoy, and poking dead things with a stick.

Reviews

[Laura Thomas · Rating 4 out of 5]

I expected some humor in this story. The title sure suggests it. As does the fun cover art.

There’s a whole lot of laughs here. The author’s choice of casting his main protagonist as your average Joe makes it mysterious and fun.

And the aliens. What can I say. You’d expect them to be intelligent, right? They come from galaxies far, far away. They must be smart to be able to conquer space travel.

Well, that’s not the case here. They seem completely unaware of how scary they look to us humans.

The first few attempts at contact fail dismally. One alien gets run over by a truck, several get shot, and many more meet sticky ends. And when you see the story from their point of view, you’ll shake your head at just how inept and clueless they really are. I wish I could share some of their attempts with you, but don’t want to include spoilers. I may have a warped sense of humor, but I had to laugh, a lot, at how some of the aliens met their ends.

Jeff has no idea he’s been chosen as the person of first contact with the aliens. Why would he. He’s nobody special. When contact is made, he’s soon embroiled in alien politics and conspiracy. He has some help from an outcast alien and a woman with her own agenda. It’s crucial that he discover the reason behind all of the alien deaths before Earth and humanity becomes a target.

I laughed at the beginning, and the laughs just kept coming. The aliens were kind of gross, in a funny way. They smelled. I mean really smelled. And they acted more like children than intelligent beings.

An action/adventure science fiction story for all ages. With loads of laughs and fun characters, and plenty of adventure, this is one I’d recommend to all readers. It has something for everyone. Sure kept me entertained for a few hours.

I received this book for my honest review.

[Sean Randall · Rating 3 out of 5]

Humour is very hard to get right for everyone, so there were parts of this that I just found ... well. Weird. But I did like the idea of a man traumatized by technology, actively trying to avoid it, and being swept up in the flood anyway. The writing was solid and interesting, just not 100% to my taste.

[Matthew Bird · Rating 2 out of 5]

The book isn't badly written. The story is fairly interesting and the characters are OK. But that's the issue with this book. Most of it is just 'fairly average'.

The start of the novel is the best bit. The aliens keep trying to make contact, but somehow keep getting killed in various Earthly accidents. Sadly, the novel doesn't keep this fast-paced and rather humorous thread going throughout.

Jeff is introduced with an interesting backstory. He is keeping away from computers and worried about being spied on. After the first 25% of the novel this is completely forgotten. I have the feeling the author wanted to do something with this part of the character but run out of time/words and had to rush the ending.

After the start, Jeff becomes a bit boring. He finds himself on an amazing spaceship with loads of creatures (I really enjoyed the setting and descriptions in the book). But he doesn't seem to care. A few comments here and there, but otherwise he seems innately skilled at navigating and using the ship's facilities and computer systems. Again, I think this was supposed to lead somewhere, but didn't.



The big battle at the end is disappointing. Bunnie are supposedly terrible creatures who are able to are killing machines (but they don't eat victims anymore). And yet they are easily thwarted. The writing of the battle was clearly trying to be suspenseful, but there weren't big enough stakes. Nobody had anything to lose. All the weapons were stun weapons, so there was no emotion when Jeff's comrades went down. The reader knows they'll be back on their feet in a chapter or two. What the battle really needed was a poignant death. Oliop needed to die because he was such a lovable character.

The main motive for the antagonist was laughable. I know this book is a comedy, but the motive meant I couldn't take the book seriously, and I was really trying.




To summarise: The book had potential that wasn't used. The setting and descriptions were good, but the plot and characters were average. The book needed to be shorter, faster paced and make use of the promises it sets out at the start of the book relating to the main character.

[Henrik · Rating 4 out of 5]

A little bit funny, a little bit silly, a little bit weird.
The concept of an unwilling regular Joe getting caught up in galactic politics and powerplay sure borrows bits and pieces from The hitchhikers guide to the galaxy, but while there are similarities, not least in the descriptions of different alien races,it never feels like it tries to mimic the language or the humor, but instead it goes its own way, and succeeds.

It's a fun read with some interesting twists.

[S. Thomas · Rating 4 out of 5]

Jeff is unaware that he has been chosen as Earth’s ambassador to the galactic commons. Members of the galactic commons are unaware of how to safely have first encounters with humanity. Hilarity ensues!

If you can’t get enough of the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, and yes I even mean Colfer’s very funny installment too, then Beginners Guide to Invading Earth will take you to new heights of alien ineptitude. If you’ve read one too many paranormal urban fantasies with a teen love angle, then mix it up with some humor.

The first book of Gehrke’s I read was Nineveh’s Child and it had a serious tone in a post apocalypse. I was equally impressed! Gehrke has demonstrated the ability to change his narrative voice. My review for his other work is posted at LARC-SciFi(dot)com/bookreviews.html.

Without revealing any details, I will say that antagonist’s form of derangement is one that I think writer types could fall into given the right circumstances. I was still rooting for Jeff, but found myself sympathize with the baddie.

I may have been given a free review copy at my request or I may have downloaded this from amazon when the ebook was free and have voluntarily left a review. Any review. That fact that it’s a good one is because the book is good. Which has nothing to do with how awesome I am. You’ll have to find that out for yourself @S_Shane_Thomas on Twitter.

There is a point where Gehrke mentions “if Niagara Falls stopped running one day” and I wanted to mention that Niagara Falls does freeze in the winter time. I’ve been there and seen the falls frozen solid. Still a great site and you can score free parking in the winter!

I liked that all the alien tech has applications. Of course it makes sense that their computer driven devices have apps, but I’m from the pre-smartphone era, so I’m still impressed with using my own apps!

[Zivan · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is my second Gerhard Gehrke novel.

While not perfect, his novels are fun to read and come at familiar tropes from a slightly oblique angle that is refreshing.

A conspiracy around first contact, but who are the conspirators?

Frustrations around maintaining the computer infrastructure that keeps civilization running without referencing clippie or Microsoft even once.

As an audiobook consumer I tend to miss out on independent authors. Only some of Gehrke's works are available in audio and I accidentally got this one without noticing that it is narrated by Virtual Voice. Since I got it on sale for 4$ I didn't feel cheated.

As a person with low vision that uses text-to-speech to access his iPhone all day, TTS isn't new to me. The narration was better than I'm used to with voices that need to run on a smartphone in real time and be very responsive.

I'd say the experience was mediocre, but not frustrating. I only caught the TTS in a couple of mistakes.

I'm morally opposed to Virtual Voice audiobooks, but must admit that this novel wouldn't be available to me otherwise. Getting it from Audible just saved me the work of getting the eBook without DRM or stripping the DRM and converting it to audio with a TTS myself.

I do fear that now that it is available in Virtual Voice, even if successful, the chances that it will ever be narrated by a human are slim.

[Bonnie Dale Keck · Rating 5 out of 5]

Not Kindle Unlimited {#2 is] so must have gotten it from one of my freebie sites {and #2 is keyed up in my ku}. What if...first contact wasn't the real first contact, that the probability computer and other linked computers had been sabotaged and programmed to blame the humans, and Jeff Abel in particular? What if Jordan {human}, tricked in to helping the Greys {Irving, and yes they have individual names} so not X-Files where the conspiracy is to hide alien presence, but instead conspiracy by alien intelligence? Irving doesn't believe that most species should be in the Galactic Commons, because of their language skills {or lack thereof} with improper grammar, syntax, and other issues. **Not suitable for those afraid of aliens, or spiders, or really big alien spiders.** P.S. Did I mention the vegetarian web spinning Bunnie that are not cute, not cuddly, and are very disgruntled?

A Beginner's Guide to Invading Earth
House of the Galactic Elevator (Beginner's Guide to Invading Earth #2)

[Albert · Rating 5 out of 5]

A very entertaining story with, what I consider, original elements. The cover shows an alien (a Grey) greeting earthlings. This is only a small part of the story. The motivation is what intrigued me. The motivation for sabotaging the first contact, not the motivation for making the first contact.

I too have some of the same issues the saboteur in the story has with human behavior. I will not get into the specific human behavior, because I don't like spoilers in reviews, so won't include it.

I do recommend this story to anyone who enjoys good, basic alien Sci-Fi.

[Samuel Guglielmo · Rating 3 out of 5]

It starts off really strong: aliens decide humanity is technologically advanced enough to invite to the galactic commons and uplift. However, first contact goes horribly wrong, and the alien dies in an accident. As does second contact. And third, fourth, fifth... The first like 25% of the book focuses on various alien species, their weird intricacies, and the "Vendetta Coalition" they form to hunt down the human they keep failing to make contact with, assuming he's the cause of all the issues. It's almost like a very stupid sci-fi version of Tucker and Dale vs. Evil.

Then after that the focus shifts to Jeff, the aforementioned human, and the intergalactic conspiracy he gets involved in due to this. It never gets bad, at worst it's just average, but it certainly loses the momentum, charm, and uniqueness that the first chunk has. The book is by far at its best when it's following aliens and their weird nonsense.

Has rat aliens though, so that's cool.

[ALbi · Rating 5 out of 5]

I would like to suggest this book to all Science Fiction readers. It's original and well written, fun and interesting, lovely and strange characters and creatures. The “Happy Alien Welcome Committee” reviews and accepts Alien civilizations since its foundation, now it's time to meet the Humans...

[Marcell · Rating 2 out of 5]

I was expecting a funny story with a title like this and that's what I got. It had it's funny moments that made me laugh and the main characters were also likable. The description of the (very alien) locations and species were good, I had a good time trying to imagine the places where the events took place.

Unfortunately, the story itself was weak. It was super linear with the motivations of the main characters unclear. I had the feeling that everyone was just drifting with the events, except for the antagonist who planned it all out but in the end most of the plan and the motivation behind it stayed unclear or ridiculous.

The author put a lot of effort into creating an interesting background for the protagonist but I was expecting that it comes into play somewhere, but it did not really.

I had the feeling that the author wanted to do something grandiose but had to finish the book so he cut here and there and ultimately got to the point where the pieces didn't fit together any more and the added detail got useless.

The book is way too long for a story like this, it could have been written in half this many pages, with a much better effect. It also has some completely unnecessary main characters who do contribute a thing to the storyline.

So in general, while this is not a bad book, but there are much better ones out there, so I would recommend to go and just read something else instead of this one.

[Angi Plant · Rating 2 out of 5]

Independent Reviewer for Archaeolibrarian - I Dig Good Books!



I usually enjoy alien tales, but it felt like the story was going round in circles for me. Maybe if the book was a little shorter it may have felt better to read? I found it a take on alien abduction that just smacked too much of having heard this before. I think had it a, been shorter and b, been a new theme on aliens it might have worked for me. Sorry Gerhard Gehrke.

Having said this, I did like the character of Jeff, who did develop well throughout the story, and seems to have an equal fear and curiosity about aliens. A very intuitive character. There are some good characters in this who could be expanded.


* I received this book from Booktrope Publishing in return for a fair and honest review. *

[Nich Weidman]

So much wasted potential. Although the book leans heavily on the foundation laid by books like Hitchhiker's Guide, it tries to go it's own way. Fun humor and fascinating alien races abound, but not much is ever made of it.

While the different races are really neat concepts, not much depth is found for any of them. A tense back story is teased for the protagonist, but we never find out anything about it...we don't even really find out why he was chosen for first contact or what the full motivation of the villains are.

The book feels more like a rough draft of a book rather than a complete story.

[Michael · Rating 3 out of 5]

A federation of alien civilizations decide that it might be time to bring humans into the mix. So they pick a human to be their first contact - a human that turns out to be a conspiracy theorist, paranoid, homeless drifter who doesn't quite understand what's going on. First contact fails, as a series of ever more suspicious event kills off 10 waves of alien ambassadors. The result is, of course, for the aliens to decide to invade instead of make peace.

Sound like a silly story? It's even sillier than that... but it's also damned entertaining. You'd do worse than reading this!

[Peggy · Rating 5 out of 5]

**SPOILER FREE**


I don't even know what to say about this book other than you have to read it! I'm not really into SCI-FI. But I took the chance on this book and oh my goodness. It was a treat to come home know this book was waiting for me to read after a crazy day. It light in the sci-fi area as well as some humor to it. Needless to say I finished this book fairly quick from enjoying so much!


*Received for an honest review*

[A.B. Shepherd · Rating 3 out of 5]

I only read 74% of this book.

I especially enjoyed the beginning when the aliens were attempting to make contact Jeff with. I enjoyed the quirkiness and humor of the story, but I coudn't relate to or connect with the characters and the quirkiness of it just wasn't enough to keep me going.

After awhile it just didn't hold my interest and it felt really LONG.

[Vesselin Bakov · Rating 4 out of 5]

Starts great, but slows down a bit after the middle and gets to be a bit of a drag to be completed at the end. Still, a great debut novel for the author, with a few memorable characters (especially Oliop, who reminds me of Alf, being slightly mischievous but ultimately good and fun character).

Also, I wish I could be where the book ended (hope this is not a spoiler).

[J. · Rating 3 out of 5]

A waiter in a dead-end job in Nevada meets aliens who communicate mostly through odors. Although this is an interesting premise by first time author Gehrke, the story does not have the edginess or harrowing adventures normally found in a first contact situation. As in any conflict, there are the heroes, bad people, and violence.

[Jonathan Markevich · Rating 3 out of 5]

It was... Ok. Props to the author for writing his first novel, he will undoubtedly hone his skill as time goes on.

I found it a little long. It should have been edited down to pack more punch. It also couldn't decide whether it wanted to be a HHGTG style absurd plot or a lightly serious adventure tale. Either would have worked with more focus, but the blend of two was a little frustrating.

[Jordan · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book was a pain to read. It was poorly written and lacked any humor (which one would expect from the title of the book). I gave it a chance. I read over a third of it. I haven't quit on a book in a long time, but this is unreadable.

[Carly Kirk · Rating 5 out of 5]

I enjoyed this book so much! It kept me interested and entertained and I can't wait for the author to produce more!

[Valerie Zoromski · Rating 4 out of 5]

Pretty good. It had some decent humor. Worth a read

[Edward Fowler · Rating 4 out of 5]

Entertaining read with various aliens running into issues with contacting humans and eventually ending in some inter-species alien intrigue.

[Charlie Schluting · Rating 4 out of 5]

Writing was a little poor (he did X, he did Y), but really great story and world building.

[Jonathan Longman · Rating 3 out of 5]

A decent romp, not mind blowing but enjoyable.

[Earl Yuzik]

not that great. predictable .