Finding Your Own Path

by Kenneth J. Doka

In this “volume of rare sensitivity, penetrating understanding, and profound insights” (Rabbi Earl A. Grollman, author of Living When a Loved One Has Died ), Dr. Kenneth Doka explores a new, compassionate way to grieve, explaining that grief is not an illness to get over but an individual and ongoing journey.There is no “one-size-fits-all” way to cope with loss. The vital bonds that we form with those we love in life continue long after death—in very different ways. Grief Is a Journey is the first book to overturn prevailing, often judgmental, ideas about grief and replace them with a hopeful, inclusive, personalized, and research-backed approach. New science and studies behind Dr. Doka’s teaching upend the dominant but incorrect view that grief proceeds by stages.Dr. Doka helps us realize that our experiences following a death are far more individual and much less predictable than the conventional “five stages” model would have us believe. Common patterns of experiencing and expressing grief still prevail, yet many other life changes accompany a primary loss. For example, the deaths of parents, even for adults, modify family patterns, change relationships, and alter old family rituals.Unique to this book, Dr. Doka also explains how to cope with disenfranchised grief—the types of loss that are not so readily recognized or supported by society. These include the death of ex-spouses, as well as non-fatal losses such as divorce, the end of a friendship, job loss, or infertility. In addition, Dr. Doka considers losses that might be stigmatized, including death by suicide or from disease or self-destructive behaviors such as smoking or alcoholism. And finally, Dr. Doka reminds us that, however painful, grief provides opportunities for growth.

Genres: Grief, Nonfiction, Self Help, Mental Health, Psychology

304 pages, Kindle Edition

First published September 8, 2015

Reviews

[Fulya · Rating 4 out of 5]

31 Aralık'ta babamı kaybettim.
Aradan geçen bir hafta içinde o kadar çok duygu ve düşünceyle baş etmek zorunda kaldım ki, çoğunlukla ne yapacağımı bilemedim. Genelde ebeveyn kaybının travmaları çocuklar ve gençler üzerinden tartışılıyor. Ancak yetişkinlikte ebeveyn kaybı da çok yaşanılan bir durum. Benim üzerimdeki en baskın duygu ise yetişkin bir çocuk olduğumu ve yetim kaldığımı hissetmek oldu.
Kendim de artık bir anneyim ve babamın kaybıyla mücadele ederken bir taraftan da beş aylık bebeğimle ilgilenmek zorundayım. Bu da beni babamla karmaşık ilişkimiz üzerine düşündürttü. Kitapta da karmaşık ilişkiler içinde olduğumuz ebeveynlerin arkasından yas tutarken neler hissedebileceğimiz ve bu yas duygusuyla neler yapabileceğimiz çok güzel anlatılmış. Babamdan geriye kalanlarla ne yapmak istiyorum, neyi bırakıp neyi yanıma alacağım? Kendi kızımla ilişkimde babamla olan ilişkimdeki yanlışları tekrarlamamak için ne yapabilirim? Bunlar üzerine düşünmemi sağladı yazar. Dahası yas duygusunun içinde öfke, suçluluk ve yalnızlık da varmış, bunlarla nasıl baş edebilirim, hepsinden bahsetmiş. Bunlara ek olarak yası yaşama biçimlerine göre insanların değiştiğinden bahsetmesi de içimdeki suçluluk duygusunu bir nebze azalttı. Ben mesela "etkili" olarak tanımladığı bir yas hissini yaşıyormuşum; yani kendini paralamak yerine bu düşünce ve duyguları nasıl dönüştürebilirim buna odaklanan tipmişim.
İnsanı kaç yaşında olursa olsun hayat ebeveynini kaybetmeye hazırlamıyor. Bunun bir kursu, dersi yok. Kendi yolunu kendin bulmaya çalışıyorsun. Sanırım ilk defa bir kişisel gelişim kitabından gerçek anlamda faydalandım bu yüzden. Çünkü ne yapacağımı gerçekten bilmiyordum.
Henüz bir haftalık bir yas sürecinden geçtim, önümde babamı hatırlamak içinse bir ömür var.

[Bebe (Sarah) Brechner · Rating 5 out of 5]

This enlightening, supportive book outlines the newest ideas about grief and expands our understanding of the grieving process. Doka also discusses unacknowledged grief, grief that traps those grieving into a debilitating silence because society doesn't acknowledge these types of grief. That is, when a significant person (or pet) dies, often we have no support if that person was a secret partner, a friend, or even an ex. We are expected to 'get over it' although the grief is real. This is very helpful. The book is also helpful in understanding that grief is truly a journey and it doesn't end. It doesn't follow a specific pattern, and there are many different forms of grief. Also, Doka gives guidance on when to know if the grieving person needs more help than just a book.

I highly recommend this book.

[Rebekah West · Rating 4 out of 5]

The only book so far that has made me feel like less of a freak.

[Amy · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a wonderful and immensely helpful book for me in dealing with the loss of my father.

[Tanja Walker · Rating 5 out of 5]

I love everything Kenneth Doka writes about grief, and this book is no exception. I especially appreciate his attention to disenfranchised grief and its many guises. I also appreciate his thoughts on complicated grief and the resilience we can build despite the losses we have, or maybe because of them. Helpful for me as a professional, but also touched me as someone who has grieved some serious losses in my life. Highly recommend for both professionals and grievers!

[Kelly · Rating 5 out of 5]

Trying to prepare myself get myself in a place of understanding how might it be?
After reading this book I now understand actually I’ve had my fair share of losses through my life and recognise some losses that at the time I didn’t recognise as a loss until thinking back on my experiences.
After reading this book I now understand you can never be truly ready for loss, what you need to do is accept the journey the loss takes you on and if possible grow from that journey or seek help to continue on that journey.
I feel better equipped to be there for friends and family as loss touches them in what ever form. I feel more prepared to take the journey when the time arises.

[Steph · Rating 4 out of 5]

For me it’s not the first book I’d recommend about grief as I’ve read a few now but it might be the 3rd or4th book I’d recommend. It reinforces a number of important points I’ve learned from other books & picked up on my own; Practice self-compassion, acknowledge everyone’s grief have as many differences as they do similarities, and that grief doesn’t disappear.

I found the chapter on disenfranchised grief & the chapter on growing in and through grief to be the ones that impacted me the most. Not enough grief material discuss disenfranchised grief & it helped me be more mindful of different experiences with grief.

I especially liked the last chapter because the author spoke about the small or less flashy ways grief can help with growth. Most times in media when growth & grief are spoken of it’s grandiose stories of travelling the world, running multiple 5ks, launching a successful business.

All wonderful things but not necessarily things the bereaved can or want to do after a loss. I like that growth can be as simple as health, outlook,spiritual changes.

[Andrea · Rating 3 out of 5]

I didn't read the entire book, but the parts that I read were really informative and helpful. I had to return it to the library but I am planning on checking it out at a later date. I had checked out over 50 books on grief and this one proved to be the most helpful. It has sections for different kinds of losses (mine being my husband), and even a quiz to help decide where your grief fits into certain categories. The author made me wish that he was readily available for counseling sessions because he seemed to understand what I have been going through in a way that other books have not. Looking foreword to reading this one again.

[Karin Litwin · Rating 2 out of 5]

I love quizzes that tell you what kind of personality quirks you have and this book had a quiz. I found out my style of grieving is Instrumental. That is, I grieve with my head by doing a concrete task about my grief. This is true. I've planted my mom's favorite flowering bush, displayed angel statues and I just finished a collage. But his information has left me thinking ok, so what.? It was interesting to read about adult orphans, however. Overall, if you need to, pick up this book. It can't hurt.

[Renae · Rating 5 out of 5]

Easy to read and well explained with practical examples on how individualized grieving truly is. Grief is a journey and this book is a useful guide for beginning to understand that complicated journey.

[Angelika · Rating 3 out of 5]

Mental health counselor and grief expert explains myths, realities and experience and process of grief and different styles. Good examples. Coined "disenfranchised Grief" as unacknowledged losses of life. Rituals and help

[Julie · Rating 4 out of 5]

DNF
This book has many chapters that are specific to different grief situations. The ones that were relevant to me were very helpful.

[Deidre · Rating 4 out of 5]

Really helpful information.

[Lily · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this for a paper I'm working on, and got really engrossed in it beyond that. I think my professor was really inspired by Doka, because she brings up a lot of his points in her class.
This is a thoroughly helpful and well-organized book, complete with interesting, touching and related anecdotes; direct and useful advice; limits on when to seek a specialist; and reassurance that grief is normal. It also includes information that goes beyond traditional grief, validating everything from ambivalent relationships with the deceased to disenfranchised grief that is typically not spoken about.
Doka is reassuring and kind throughout this book, whose main message is that of validation and comfort. Lines grabbed me, making this novel a totally emotional read. Doka writes with poignance when retelling anecdotes, including his own experience, but also basically gives the reader a hug throughout the reading process.
Based on my limited knowledge, however, Doka does not address medicalization of grief despite bringing up the DSM-5, or how to handle medication if at all. It's an oversight that I'm not sure is due to publication time or not, unfortunately.
But beyond that, this is an excellent read, full of fascinating guides and touching compassion. I'm glad I took the time to read it in full.

[Mandy · Rating 2 out of 5]

A strangely-organized book (far too many headers, sub-headers, and sub-sub headers) that in some ways over-complicated the issue of grief, even as grief itself is a complicated issue. Because of the way the book was organized, multiple large chapters were completely irrelevent to me, and were skimmed through or skipped. The author would have done better to avoid or limit the separation of different types of grief by chapter/sub-section. This book is virtually a list of things that different people do when experiencing grief, with the overall message that "all of this is normal." At times it was helpful, but there was something cold and clinical about the delivery.

[Lydia Gates · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was very informative. I enjoyed the exercises about determining your style of grieving. Once I knew that, it made sense. I am actually doing expressive arts--building a sketchbook of old photos from my life with my deceased husband. It is helping. The day dream story was interesting, and I was almost surprised at what I wrote when I let my mind wander.
There are parts I skipped over as they were not relevant. Not that I haven't lost a sibling or a parent, but it has been many years and I'm done grieving them. Not missing, them, though--that is always in my heart.

[Greer Rutt · Rating 4 out of 5]

Read this for a trauma, loss, & mourning class that I took for an elective, and it was good! Very helpful resource in dealing with grief across the entirety of human life stages and solid care practices. A good introduction to the grieving world. I wouldn't say it was something super life changing, but it was still a very solid read for anyone going into a helping profession!

[Erica · Rating 4 out of 5]

I thought this was one of better books on grief that I have read. I liked that the author understood that not everyone was religious. For a minister, he was quite pragmatic and very sensitive to what others goes through while grieving over the loss of a loved one.

[Grace Chamberlain (Tegerdine) · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this book. The layout was easy to follow and I was able to pick and choose the chapters and sections that I needed to read. It was repetitive at times, but helpful overall. I loved the nonjudgmental approach to grief and the focus on disenfranchised grief.

[Sue · Rating 5 out of 5]

Helped me on my path. Helped a lot.

[Dana · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.5 super healthy approach with growth and strength approach

[Carmel Ann Sperti · Rating 5 out of 5]

I use this book repeatedly in my bereavement/consolation ministry. The truths within are both challenging and consoling.

[Karina · Rating 5 out of 5]

Napisana z otwartym sercem - od człowieka, który poznał smak straty, dla ludzi, którzy weszli na tę nierealną drogę. Przypominajka, że w całym tym człowieczeństwie jesteśmy boleśnie razem.

[Thelma Nienhuis · Rating 4 out of 5]

A valuable resource for the grieving.

[Jozef Syndicate · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great delivery of a heart-heavy topic. Delicate and simplistic. This book affirms--even confirms for some-- that as you go forward, you are going to retain a part of the one you have loved and that grief of any loss is truly a journey. The author, Kenneth Doka, presents this journey with assurance for the reader to not be alone, remorseful, or without hope. (A NetGallery review)

[Nat · Rating 2 out of 5]

I couldn’t finish it , way to many anecdotes and repetition and views on genders slightly outdated .
The entire book is not relevant to any one person experiencing grief there is a lot that may be irrelevant to you if you are really reading this book to assist in “finding your path through loss”.

[Vikki · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read a lot of this and think it has a lot to offer. I'm tucking it away and keeping it in mind for future reference. Worth giving to someone who has experience loss.