How to Be a Perfect Stranger: The Essential Religious Etiquette Handbook

How to Be a Perfect Stranger

by Stuart M. Matlins (Editor), Arthur J. Magida (Editor)

It’s increasingly common to be invited to a wedding, funeral or other religious service for someone of a different faith. This easy-to-read religious etiquette guidebook helps the well-meaning guest feel comfortable and participate as fully as possible.

Genres: Religion, Nonfiction, Spirituality, Reference, Theology, How To, Faith

432 pages, Paperback

First published February 19, 2015

Reviews

[Jessica · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is actually a reference book, but I read it straight through because it's an interesting overview of all the major North American (US & Canada) religions/denominations. For each one, the editors provide a brief history of the religion or Christian denomination, then describe what you would need to know if you were attending a service for the first time, then what you should know about attending any of the major life events that you could get invited to (such as a baptism, dedication, confirmation, wedding, or funeral). It's very detailed, telling you what to wear, the order of the service, which parts you should and should not participate in, whether you'll be expected to contribute money, and more. Be aware that the most recent edition was published in early 2015, so like this 2010 edition that I read, it may not acknowledge same-gender marriages as a possibility.

The book is definitely written with a Christian perspective in mind; I think it could be a little challenging for a non-Christian to pick up unless they had a baseline understanding of what Communion is, for example, so they understand why they're being told whether or not they're allowed to participate or what Communion is called in this particular denomination (e.g., "The Lord's Supper"). The chapters on non-Christian religions are much more detailed and include a lot of italicized and defined vocabulary words. This isn't a criticism per se, just something to be aware of going in.

I think the intention and effort behind this book is commendable, and it will at least get in you the right ballpark for most religious invitations you might receive. Be aware that a lot of what they share as definitive can vary widely by regional culture, by generation, and by personal preference. I can speak most authoritatively on my own tradition, Roman Catholicism. They say that there will generally be a reception after Mass and you should not eat or drink until a benediction is given; every church I've ever been to that had coffee and donuts after Mass, there was no one there saying a blessing before everyone dug in — you would be waiting a long time! They also say for Roman Catholics that if children are not explicitly invited to a wedding, you should assume it's fine to bring them, which is definitely not the case for everyone.

I was also taken aback by how frequently they recommended "telephoning or visiting" someone upon hearing of the death of their loved one, which would certainly be welcome by some people but not everyone. In a lot of cases I would read something in one chapter that seemed like an important caveat (such as that you should ask someone before trying to visit them after a death, or that acceptable dress varies depending on the region of the country you're in) and think that a lot of the people who provided answers for the other chapters would probably agree with these qualifiers as well, but didn't think to include them. So take the editors' recommendations with a grain of salt, understanding that there are a lot of other factors at play outside of the official statement by a representative of the religion or denomination.

I appreciate that this book exists, and I know feel a tiny bit more informed about some religions I was less familiar with before (like the Bahá'í faith and Sikhism). This would be a great starting point if you're ever invited to a service or special event by someone of another religion, or you could, like me, read it straight through to get an understanding of the diversity of beliefs and practices in the United States and Canada.

[Robin · Rating 4 out of 5]

An easy-to-read reference guide presented in a format of what to expect at a religious service for someone not of that faith. Would be useful to skim through before attending a religious wedding or funeral not of your own faith. A short history of the faith, appropriate dress for service, ritual objects used in the service, parts of the sanctuary, appropriate conduct during the service, what to expect after the service, a section on dogma and ideology, celebrated holy days and festivals, various ceremonies related to the life cycle (births, marriage, initiation, funerals, mourning) and what to expect at those ceremonies.

Faiths examined include African American Methodist Churches, Assemblies of God, Baha'i, Baptist, Buddhist, Christian Church, Christian Science, Churches of Christ, Episcopalian and Anglican, Hindu, Islam, Jehovah's Witness, Jewish, Lutheran, Mennonite/Amish, Methodist, Mormon (Latter Day Saints), Native American/First Nations, Orthodox Churches, Pentecostal Church of God, Presbyterian, Quaker (Religious Society of Friends), Reformed Church in America/Canada, Roman Catholic, Seventh-day Adventist, Sikh, Unitarian Universalist, United Church of Canada, and United Church of Christ.

[Bobbi · Rating 5 out of 5]

It caught my attention because of the JW kids at school who reminded me of what it was like to grow up Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in the south (more intensely so in TX than in AR), and I didn't want to do them wrong. Then I read the section on my own religion and found it accurate, so I delved into a few more sections before it had to go back to the library. They copied and pasted anything that matched, so if you try to read it cover to cover you might go a bit mind-numb, but it's a great reference otherwise, including non-Christian religions such as Buddhism as well.

[Rodeweeks · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very good, South Africa is in great need of a similar book which should include the three Afrikaans sister churches, the ZCC, the Shembe's, African Traditional Religions etc etc. I've truly enjoyed reading this (American) version

[Sean · Rating 1 out of 5]

The reader would be better served by just going to Wikipedia.

[Tchipakkan · Rating 5 out of 5]

I think this book should be in every house, possibly every school. We may never need some of the sections, but I'd so much rather have it to check than not have it.

[Theresa LoRusso · Rating 5 out of 5]

Should be required reading for every human

[Amanda · Rating 5 out of 5]

An interesting book that would also be a nice collection to anyone’s book shelf as a reference when needed.

[Min · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a wonderful idea in this very pluralistic world to know what is expected of one when visiting other houses of worship.
The author offers a short synopsis of the founding and basic beliefs of each group then uses a template of questions and answers to offer the proper etiquette in various situations such as attending services, weddings, initiations, and funerals. There are several of the major Christian denominations listed. Also, the author offers information regarding world religions. It is in this specific area I feel that there is more disservice than service because it doesn't take into account the very vast differences within that faith. As there is no single answer for Christians, there should be much greater detail when discussing Hindu, Buddhist, Jewish, and Muslim-- to name a few of those listed. With these, there are as many cultural considerations to be presented as there would be religious ones.

[Gato Negro · Rating 3 out of 5]

I read the chapters of this which are relevant to my life. It offered practical knowledge and advice for social situations that will be helpful. The Roman Catholic section was not entirely complete, as far as I could tell, as there were no mention of Eucharistic ministers, lay ministers, deacons, ushers, etc. However, overall, it was well done.

[Cassandra · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is everything you need to know for the many, diverse religions in the world, for instance: What appropriate gift to bring for a child's Holy Communion? Will a guest who is not a Baha'i be expected do anything than sit? Or what should a non-Sikh do upon hearing of the death of a member of that faith? These questions are important for someone who does not share the same creed, and its reasonable to bookmark portions of the book, because you never know if an acquaintance might have an upcoming wedding or baptism. Also, it's best to read ahead and make reference of what is the proper conduct for any service or event. I always refer to this as my 'handybook,' whenever I attend a worship service outside of my faith. "How to Be a Perfect Stranger" is a great addition to your personal library; not only it's an etiquette book, but a guide to understanding and appreciating one's belief.

[Cindy · Rating 4 out of 5]

What a great idea for a book! This handy book tells you exactly what to expect and how to behave at religious ceremonies from all different faiths, from Greek Orthodox, to Jewish, to Roman Catholic, to LDS, my own faith. There's a second volume that has more religions, like Baha'i. The book takes you through a regular service, then a blessing/birth ceremony, and initiation ceremony (like a baptism), a wedding, and a funeral. Here in Utah, it might not be quite as useful, but with so many different religions, this is a great guide that anyone visiting another church or temple should look through. I can't be sure how accurate all of it it, but the LDS section is right on.

[Kelsey · Rating 4 out of 5]

I actually have the third edition, but I don't think there were major changes between the two. This definitely has a lot of good information and is a comforting resource to have if you feel like doing a bit of religious exploring. However, it can sometimes be a bit...random in the information it gives. Its also fun to look up your own religion/denomination and be able to say "Oh look, we're weird!" : )

[A.R. Dykes Library KUMC]

A guide for health care providers, social workers, counselors, and truly anyone who will be intersecting with a different service, ceremony or religious observance. This book tells you all the details you need to know to be a 'perfect stranger' at funerals, church services, birth/naming ceremonies in a wide array of denominations.

[Tori · Rating 3 out of 5]

Fairly interesting summaries of religions and of proper etiquette concerning them, but it was a little repetative. It was more like a guide book or a reference book than anything else. Which is good, since that's what you'd expect from the whole "handbook" thing.

[Ruth Sternberg · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is the sort of book you keep for reference. When you have to attend a religious gathering, or simply are meeting a group of people from another faith and don't know the proper mores. I recommend it for your shelf.

[Lizzy]

I can't believe this book exists! I can't wait to get my hands on it, God willing.

[K · Rating 3 out of 5]

A reference more than a cover-to-cover seems practical for Brooklyn primary care.

[Pat · Rating 3 out of 5]

Thanks for the gift, Joe! A book of manifold uses: visiting worship services, impersonating congregants, stereotyping.

[Kcastro · Rating 5 out of 5]

This would be a great addition to anyone's personal library. The information on Mormons seems accurate so I suppose the information thoughout is also.

[Jen · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good guide for customs and celebrations for many religions.

[Lupine · Rating 4 out of 5]

Totally useful and very interesting.