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All the F*cks I Cannot Give
Kelly Carson is one of those ‘Clark Kent’ like guys who just can’t stand up for himself. His wife doesn’t love him, his boss doesn’t respect him, and his father refers to Kelly’s twin sister as the son he always wanted. With three weeks to go before Christmas, Kelly receives the shock of his life when he’s fired over the telephone while waiting to catch a flight home. Terri Flynn, a free-spirited starlet who is running away to New York after walking off the set of her latest feature film, overhears Kelly’s unceremonious firing and becomes hell bent on transforming him from the Clark Kent he is into the Superman the impulsive actress feels he’s destined to become. After their flight to New York is cancelled, Kelly and Terri take a last-minute jaunt to Hawaii, putting in motion a series of hilarious events and misadventures that will have you belly laughing from page to page. From the beaches of Maui to the concrete jungle of New York and the underground swinger scene of suburban Chicago, Michael Carlon’s fifth novel, All the F*cks I cannot Give, will have wishing you were in Kelly Carson’s shoes for just one day.
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About the author
Michael Carlon
10 books68 followersMichael Carlon is a writer, comic, and the host of the Uncorking a Story podcast (http://uncorkingastory.com) which features depth interviews with bestselling authors other storytellers. When he is not writing a novel, a magazine article, or a piece for his local newspaper, Mike earns his living as a marketing consultant traveling around the world interviewing people about their experiences with and attitudes towards his clients' products and services. He is an expert at understanding what makes people tick and translating those insights into intelligence his clients can use to make better decisions.
Mike lives in Stamford, CT with his wife Nicole and their triplets Grace, Patrick, and Maggie. He holds a BA in Psychology from the University of Connecticut and an MBA with a concentration in marketing from Fairfield University.
Mike lives in Stamford, CT with his wife Nicole and their triplets Grace, Patrick, and Maggie. He holds a BA in Psychology from the University of Connecticut and an MBA with a concentration in marketing from Fairfield University.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 53 reviews
November 19, 2018
My original All the F*cks I Cannot Give audiobook review and many others can be found at Audiobook Reviewer.
Cautious and good-natured 42-year-old Kelly Carson’s life hits a new low when he is callously fired from his marketing job while waiting in an airport lounge. But then he meets wild and impulsive actress Terri Flynn and as they spontaneously head off for an island getaway, Kelly’s formerly uneventful, settled life suddenly becomes exhilarating, and he finds himself transforming from an unassuming middle-aged man in a loveless marriage into his very own version of cool and assertive Superman.
Kelly’s journey to turning his life around is simply hilarious and I found him to be a character I could easily root for. This was a quick listen and light entertainment. There is nothing too deep here; in fact, it is all pretty predictable. But it’s cleverly done and well written, and it was a great break from my usual diet of thrillers and dark materials. It’s a very uplifting book and I appreciated the message of wisely considering what you give and don’t give a f*ck about.
Along the way, the listener gets a comedic insight into marketing/focus groups and the entertainment industry from movie production to publishing books. Looking into the author’s background, you can’t help but wonder how much of his own experience in marketing and writing/publishing he has used for the creation of his protagonist. There is an abundance of music and TV/movie references. Some from the 80s/90s that went over my head, but I didn’t mind.
As you can guess from the title, if you find listening to some strong adult language objectionable then this may not be the right book for you. There are sexual innuendos and bad language galore. None of it is any way offending though, at least in MHO, instead, as mentioned before, it is very, very funny.
Mike Dawson was perfect for this first-person point-of-view narration. He really took on the persona of the main character and delivered the lines just right, expressing Kelly’s feelings, worries and humor to the point. There were no issues with the production of the audio.
I will definitely be checking out Michael Carlon’s other books when I need another pick-me-up and would love to listen to another narration by Mike Dawson.
Audiobook provided for review by the audiobookreviewer.com
Cautious and good-natured 42-year-old Kelly Carson’s life hits a new low when he is callously fired from his marketing job while waiting in an airport lounge. But then he meets wild and impulsive actress Terri Flynn and as they spontaneously head off for an island getaway, Kelly’s formerly uneventful, settled life suddenly becomes exhilarating, and he finds himself transforming from an unassuming middle-aged man in a loveless marriage into his very own version of cool and assertive Superman.
Kelly’s journey to turning his life around is simply hilarious and I found him to be a character I could easily root for. This was a quick listen and light entertainment. There is nothing too deep here; in fact, it is all pretty predictable. But it’s cleverly done and well written, and it was a great break from my usual diet of thrillers and dark materials. It’s a very uplifting book and I appreciated the message of wisely considering what you give and don’t give a f*ck about.
Along the way, the listener gets a comedic insight into marketing/focus groups and the entertainment industry from movie production to publishing books. Looking into the author’s background, you can’t help but wonder how much of his own experience in marketing and writing/publishing he has used for the creation of his protagonist. There is an abundance of music and TV/movie references. Some from the 80s/90s that went over my head, but I didn’t mind.
As you can guess from the title, if you find listening to some strong adult language objectionable then this may not be the right book for you. There are sexual innuendos and bad language galore. None of it is any way offending though, at least in MHO, instead, as mentioned before, it is very, very funny.
Mike Dawson was perfect for this first-person point-of-view narration. He really took on the persona of the main character and delivered the lines just right, expressing Kelly’s feelings, worries and humor to the point. There were no issues with the production of the audio.
I will definitely be checking out Michael Carlon’s other books when I need another pick-me-up and would love to listen to another narration by Mike Dawson.
Audiobook provided for review by the audiobookreviewer.com
August 15, 2020
Very good read
This book was really funny and well put together with some hilarious plot twists along the way. The author doesn't pull any punches with the crudeness and identification of his characters with the nicknames that are given throughout the book. I will definitely be reading more from this author.
This book was really funny and well put together with some hilarious plot twists along the way. The author doesn't pull any punches with the crudeness and identification of his characters with the nicknames that are given throughout the book. I will definitely be reading more from this author.
September 10, 2018
I ❤ this book. I can not find the words to describe how much I needed this book today. I received it as an ARC. I feel like it was a gift from God. At the most perfect moment. It's a sign. Lol
This book is about a poor guy named Kelly. He is a Mr. Do Right type. Always the good guy. Forever the bridesmaid never the bride type. A chance encounter at an airport with a gorgeous carefree redhead named Terri change his life. On a whim they start their journey. She teaches him how to lighten up by not giving a fuck.
This book was extremely well written. It was ingeniously funny. It had a great message. We all put way too much pressure on ourselves. But this book is a breath of fresh air. If you need to escape, and regroup, for a minute. Develop a new perspective then this book is for you. A journey to giving zero fucks. Lol
This book is about a poor guy named Kelly. He is a Mr. Do Right type. Always the good guy. Forever the bridesmaid never the bride type. A chance encounter at an airport with a gorgeous carefree redhead named Terri change his life. On a whim they start their journey. She teaches him how to lighten up by not giving a fuck.
This book was extremely well written. It was ingeniously funny. It had a great message. We all put way too much pressure on ourselves. But this book is a breath of fresh air. If you need to escape, and regroup, for a minute. Develop a new perspective then this book is for you. A journey to giving zero fucks. Lol
May 11, 2018
So this whole adulthood gig can just stink at times! A book that tackles this realism with a funny note is a gem--the stuff that keeps us pressing on! Loved being sent a copy for review and will be sharing with some much-appreciative friends!
April 1, 2018
This book was hilarious! It took some unexpected turns and was entertaining from the first page. It was a much needed break from all the fantasy books that I have been reading.
September 10, 2018
This book is way outside my normal genre of reading however I won it in a Goodreads giveaway (which I had entered because it looked interesting) and pretty much read straight through it. This book was absolutely hilarious, I found myself laughing through just about every page (I’m sure my sanity was questioned a few times as I stared at my phone laughing myself to tears in some parts.) Behind the comedy, the book is very uplifting, the main character, a 42 year old man has a mostly comfortable life which all in a few days kind of goes to hell but then is weaves back together into a much more fantastic life. I loved the book, and I will definitely be looking into others by the author.
June 13, 2020
Crazily entertaining
This was not a normal title choice for me, but something called me to read it and I liked it. Wonderful characters and creative story and an all around enjoyable read.
This was not a normal title choice for me, but something called me to read it and I liked it. Wonderful characters and creative story and an all around enjoyable read.
July 1, 2017
Probably one of my favorite books ever. I'm planning on reading everything I can by this author!
August 8, 2017
This is the perfect book for someone looking for a laugh. It has a little bit of everything.
I will say it exceeded my expectations. I was hoping for some laugh out loud moments, but story quality I wasn't sure would be there. Well, Mr. Carlon happily surprised me.
I know this review is vague, but I don't want to give anything away.
I will say it exceeded my expectations. I was hoping for some laugh out loud moments, but story quality I wasn't sure would be there. Well, Mr. Carlon happily surprised me.
I know this review is vague, but I don't want to give anything away.
January 2, 2021
I really enjoyed this book. The main characters were likable. The 80s and 90s pop culture references were great! Very funny story, and even a little inspiring. People need to learn to give fewer f*cks about things in life.
June 15, 2018
Here I am, telling you my thoughts on a book that tells us we shouldn't give a f*ck what anyone thinks. So there's a bit of irony in reviewing this book, but I'll proceed and let you choose whether or not to care about my opinion.
I love Michael Carlon's writing style. This is an easy read that quickly pulled me into the characters' world. The dialogue is realistic and I could see it all playing out in my mind.
The first half of the book kept me turning pages, smirking, and giggling. But, by the second half, I grew a little weary of the predictability and the total weirdness, and I would have liked a little more substance and plausibility to go with the humor. Also, there are a whole lot of pop culture references, mostly from the '80s but also from the '90s. I'm not big on pop culture. I don't watch a lot of TV, I don't see a lot of movies, and I listen to very little "pop" music. Pop trivia, honestly, bores me. Therefore, the constant references to these things grated on me.
That being said, I still found the story entertaining. Where it really lost me was the ending. The entire book is written in first person, from Kelly Carson's point of view. But the last chapter is written in third person, from Blaze Hazelwood's point of view, and has nothing at all to do with Kelly Carson or anything that goes on in his story. Blaze happens to be the lead character in the novel Kelly Carson was writing throughout the story. Blaze also happens to be the actual lead character in a book written by Michael Carlon, with the same title as the book Kelly Carson wrote. This chapter feels totally out of place, and really only serves as an extra push to go check out that previous novel.
*I received a copy of this book in exchange for my honest review.*
I love Michael Carlon's writing style. This is an easy read that quickly pulled me into the characters' world. The dialogue is realistic and I could see it all playing out in my mind.
The first half of the book kept me turning pages, smirking, and giggling. But, by the second half, I grew a little weary of the predictability and the total weirdness, and I would have liked a little more substance and plausibility to go with the humor. Also, there are a whole lot of pop culture references, mostly from the '80s but also from the '90s. I'm not big on pop culture. I don't watch a lot of TV, I don't see a lot of movies, and I listen to very little "pop" music. Pop trivia, honestly, bores me. Therefore, the constant references to these things grated on me.
That being said, I still found the story entertaining. Where it really lost me was the ending. The entire book is written in first person, from Kelly Carson's point of view. But the last chapter is written in third person, from Blaze Hazelwood's point of view, and has nothing at all to do with Kelly Carson or anything that goes on in his story. Blaze happens to be the lead character in the novel Kelly Carson was writing throughout the story. Blaze also happens to be the actual lead character in a book written by Michael Carlon, with the same title as the book Kelly Carson wrote. This chapter feels totally out of place, and really only serves as an extra push to go check out that previous novel.
*I received a copy of this book in exchange for my honest review.*
February 16, 2018
I was skeptical, at first. I didn't think All the F*cks I Cannot Give could live up to the glowing reviews. About halfway through I thought I was wrong, and that it was every bit as funny as promised. But, as my 3-star rating suggests, it didn't really sustain the hilarity.
This is not sophisticated humor - the "penis on the coffee cup" scene is a pretty good indicator of what follows. But it's definitely funny - some moments are laugh-out-loud funny enough to compare with Christopher Moore. The main characters are likable, the villains villainous, and the plot keeps moving. There are a couple of minor characters that don't seem to make a lot of sense, nor do they really drive the action forward. The story's weakness comes at the end. There's a rather unsatisfying comeuppance for one villain, and then a happily-ever-after ending that's written as a reflection by the narrator, and that seems to suggest the book's story is, to some extent, the author's own.
I would have given 3.5 stars if I could have. I was entertained by reading it, but I probably won't read it again.
This is not sophisticated humor - the "penis on the coffee cup" scene is a pretty good indicator of what follows. But it's definitely funny - some moments are laugh-out-loud funny enough to compare with Christopher Moore. The main characters are likable, the villains villainous, and the plot keeps moving. There are a couple of minor characters that don't seem to make a lot of sense, nor do they really drive the action forward. The story's weakness comes at the end. There's a rather unsatisfying comeuppance for one villain, and then a happily-ever-after ending that's written as a reflection by the narrator, and that seems to suggest the book's story is, to some extent, the author's own.
I would have given 3.5 stars if I could have. I was entertained by reading it, but I probably won't read it again.
September 8, 2018
AUDIOBOOK edition
My first from the author, I really enjoyed it. I totally recommend it, if you enjoy off-the-wall humour, witty comebacks, and not easily offended by 'choice' words. I was laughing out loud most of Kelly's journey to self-re-discovery and leaving behind his fear of confrontation. I am glad it worked out for him, especially that he got his revenge on those who took advantage of his good nature, I was cheering him on. He got the girl too, Terri and him are a match well made. Got to meet some great secondary characters, some that I loved and some I loved to hate. I hope there will be more of Kelly's adventures. - 5 stars
Mr. Dawson is a new voice to me and I think he delivered the story and then some... expressive, passionate, just enough rasp, perfect for this story told from the hero's POV. - 5 stars
Now that I finished the book, the cover makes sense and it totally fits.
My first from the author, I really enjoyed it. I totally recommend it, if you enjoy off-the-wall humour, witty comebacks, and not easily offended by 'choice' words. I was laughing out loud most of Kelly's journey to self-re-discovery and leaving behind his fear of confrontation. I am glad it worked out for him, especially that he got his revenge on those who took advantage of his good nature, I was cheering him on. He got the girl too, Terri and him are a match well made. Got to meet some great secondary characters, some that I loved and some I loved to hate. I hope there will be more of Kelly's adventures. - 5 stars
Mr. Dawson is a new voice to me and I think he delivered the story and then some... expressive, passionate, just enough rasp, perfect for this story told from the hero's POV. - 5 stars
Now that I finished the book, the cover makes sense and it totally fits.
August 19, 2020
From conflict-averse to courageous
The author did really well with character building in this novel about a man who tries his best to avoid conflict, yet begins the novel entangled in it, both in his marriage and his professional life.
As the novel goes on, the main character grows as a person and as the title suggests, learns to let loose a bit and not be so uptight to the point that others take advantage of him.
The main characters rely on many pop culture references throughout the novel, some of which might go over your head depending on how into 80s and 90s movies you are. However, it is a part of their character and helps them to form a fun, friendly, and romantic bond.
The author did really well with character building in this novel about a man who tries his best to avoid conflict, yet begins the novel entangled in it, both in his marriage and his professional life.
As the novel goes on, the main character grows as a person and as the title suggests, learns to let loose a bit and not be so uptight to the point that others take advantage of him.
The main characters rely on many pop culture references throughout the novel, some of which might go over your head depending on how into 80s and 90s movies you are. However, it is a part of their character and helps them to form a fun, friendly, and romantic bond.
September 22, 2018
Funny stuff
And I mean that headline literally as well as figuratively. Kelly Clarkson is a meek mild mannered moderator of focus groups. His lesbian wife makes his home life dismal,and his boss makes his days in the office even more dismal. Then he meets Terri Flynn, gets fired, finds joy in gummy bears and, well, life gets exciting. The language is rough, as you might guess from the title, but the author keeps readers engaged until the somewhat predictable ending. I enjoyed the novel and laughed out loud at several points.
And I mean that headline literally as well as figuratively. Kelly Clarkson is a meek mild mannered moderator of focus groups. His lesbian wife makes his home life dismal,and his boss makes his days in the office even more dismal. Then he meets Terri Flynn, gets fired, finds joy in gummy bears and, well, life gets exciting. The language is rough, as you might guess from the title, but the author keeps readers engaged until the somewhat predictable ending. I enjoyed the novel and laughed out loud at several points.
November 22, 2017
This was far more entertaining than I could have imagined it ever being. I wish I could remember how I found out about this book but it was definitely worth the purchase. I do not recommend reading this if you have insomnia (like I did one night) because instead of making me sleepy, it was cracking me up and keeping me engaged. Light, fun, completely ridiculous and definitely enjoyable.
March 1, 2018
Loved this book! Not only did it make me chuckle, giggle, at times even snort, but also some good belly laughs. Better yet, while doing all those things, I learned some good things too. Things I need to apply for myself. Very enjoyable book & would read more by this author!
I’d highly recommend this book to everybody, really!
Won this book in Goodreads giveaway & ive written an honest review. Thank you very much for the pleasure of reading this book!
I’d highly recommend this book to everybody, really!
Won this book in Goodreads giveaway & ive written an honest review. Thank you very much for the pleasure of reading this book!
September 29, 2018
Great Title
Perfect timing for me to read this book. We all have experiences and we are all content with things in our lives that we know should change. Sometimes it's best to not give a f*ck and go for it (whatever it maybe). Blessing in disguise come in all shapes, sizes and colors.
Perfect timing for me to read this book. We all have experiences and we are all content with things in our lives that we know should change. Sometimes it's best to not give a f*ck and go for it (whatever it maybe). Blessing in disguise come in all shapes, sizes and colors.
March 5, 2018
I wasn't sure what to expect with this book, but I thoroughly enjoyed it. The writer's sense of humor made me think of Tara Sivec, who I adore. I definitely recommend this book to all my book friends.
March 8, 2018
I received this book in a goodreads giveaway. this book was not what I expected, but I was delighted with all the funny situations the main character encountered. the main characters were interesting and fun to follow and I would highly recommend if you're looking for a fun, lighthearted read! thank you!
March 22, 2020
Live life
When you hit rock bottom everything else is up. Sometimes you need to be reminded that what other people think and do are not going to control your life. A scary situation, but very liberating. The first step is the hardest, but sometimes good luck can snowball as fast a bad luck does. May your happy ending appear!
When you hit rock bottom everything else is up. Sometimes you need to be reminded that what other people think and do are not going to control your life. A scary situation, but very liberating. The first step is the hardest, but sometimes good luck can snowball as fast a bad luck does. May your happy ending appear!
July 14, 2017
I couldn't put this book down! I won it in a giveaway so I didn't really know what to expect, but it kept me laughing the whole time. 5 stars!
August 3, 2017
Ok, I'm now a big fan of Michael Carlon! This book is hilarious. I pretty much read it in one day; I was hooked.
March 4, 2018
A quick read. Witty and the characters were easy to relate to. Would check out this author again!
October 2, 2018
❤ this book! Couldn't put it down, and finished it in one night! I will definitely be checking out other books by this author.
July 18, 2020
Although this book is fiction, it has some serious life lessons. I totally enjoyed reading it and recommend it to everybody.
September 19, 2020
JUST HAD A RELAXING EVENING LAYING ON THE COUCH AND LISTENED TO THIS THROUGH AUDIBLE........RAW AND FUNNY!!!! (KIND OF LONG THOUGH.....HAD TO LISTEN TO IT IN 2 SEPARATE PARTS...BUT I LOVED IT!)
January 5, 2020
Very well written and funny!
November 22, 2018
A standalone novel that is both annoying and funny, as Kelly Carson starts to give a fuck.
This eBook was sent to me by Uncorking a Story for an honest review.
My Take
All the F*cks I Cannot Give truly is funny, and the wisdom that evolves, the changes that take place, will burn in your mind. It was still annoying, though, how passive Kelly is. He never confronts anyone. He never stands up for himself. And I suppose that's the great conflict in the story.
The other really annoying part was Kelly being fired made no sense whatsoever, as he's "the most productive moderator in the company". But then I suspect I'd flunk Big Business 101, and of course, another inciting incident would be lost.
On the plus side, Carlon has got such a way with words, oh man, you will be LYAO.
But it's Terri who pulls out the man who gives a fuck. The one who discovers how much fun it is being with someone who shares your interests. Carlon does have fun with those pop-culture references.
What is it with mothers who blame their kids for being born? It's not like any of us had a choice about it. Of course, his mother is real piece of work. Oy. Then there's FishFace, oops, I mean Laura who has been leaching off Kelly for years. She's so impossible to believe that she's fascinating.
Oh, does that scene hit a nerve! And it's so true, no one wants to take a risk anymore with "Hollywood ... [making] ... the same five movies over and over, and each "new product I test is just a variation on a theme". Who can't relate to that one! And such a metaphor for Kelly's life.
I gotta agree with Kelly, I had no idea there was so much involved in planning a swingers' party... And some of those guests, oh, mercy...ROFLMAO...
You know, it may be true that nice guys finish last, but this nice guy finishes well.
The Story
Three weeks before Christmas, New York-bound, mild-mannered Marketing Consultant Kelly Carson gets fired from his job over the telephone while sitting in an airline lounge in the Los Angeles Airport.
Terri Flynn, a fiery and controversial starlet who is running away to New York after walking off the set of her latest feature film, overhears Kelly’s unceremonious firing and becomes hellbent on transforming him from the Clark Kent he is into the Superman the impulsive actress feels he’s destined to become.
After their flight to New York is cancelled, Kelly and Terri take a last-minute jaunt to Hawaii, putting in motion a series of hilarious events and misfortunes that shake both of their worlds to the core, but not always for the better.
From diverted flights, romps on the beach, and overindulging on edibles to swingers' parties, it just gets wilder and wilder.
The Characters
It only looks like a lot of characters...
Kelly "Clark" Carson is a research analyst who can't say boo; Pete calls him "Farmer Kelly". He's also an aspiring novelist who decides he'll be Hunter Carson. Laura, a.k.a., Fuck Face, Tartar Sauce, and FishFace, is his wife...and a lesbian. (Her father is a mechanical engineer and can do it all.) Dr Josephine Carson is Kelly's twin sister and a lesbian who spotted Laura at the Meow Mix. Vanessa, a TV news anchor, is her current girlfriend. Their guilt-ladling mother, who is more concerned about appearances than anything, or anyone, else, has a sister, Mia. Eddie is Kelly's GTI five-speed.
Owned by Dallas, the Tequila Mockingbird, a.k.a., The Bird, is Kelly and Jo's favorite restaurant, and Jason is Jo's favorite bartender although Ryan is great too, while Hugo Garcia, Cesar's brother, is their favorite waiter, and Emilio is a bus boy. Lino, his cousin, had the flu last week.
Zora's is an independent coffee shop, and Zora knows people. Zora's sister runs Coraline's, a trendy bar where Ivan, Aleksander, and Karlo play dominoes. Gail Dexter is Connecticut's preeminent swinger; Charles is her husband.
Angelo, one of Kelly's best friends from high school, handles snow removal at their place. Cesar Garcia is the driver Kelly uses in Connecticut. Jim Peters is one of Ella's lawyer friends. Stanley Rothstein handled Vanessa's divorce — she'd been married to the network's president.
Terri Flynn is the obnoxious actress Kelly meets at the airport. Angelo has her last film in his spank bank. Jimmy Walker is supposedly making a comeback film with Terri. Woody is Terri's agent. Her dad is career military, Captain Kevin Flynn, and despises Terri's acting career. Joan is his lady friend.
Omnivore is...
...a holding company that bought Stahl and Partners, a research company run by Michele Stahl who wants to sell out and where Kelly works...worked. Pete Jackson is Kelly's new boss and a true jerk. Heather, Laurie, and Brian haven't had a project in months. Sharon is the bubbly office manager/receptionist. Mara is a friend who works in the field management group. The clueless Destiny is with HR.
Natasha is an Australian client of Kelly's with a new product, Popeye condoms, who takes it to Carson and Partners. Steve, a.k.a., Mr Fur Coat, is an art director; Oliver, a.k.a., Skinny Man, is a copywriter who calls Kelly "Questions".
Hawaii
Todd Fucking McKay is a scum-sucking paparazzo who doesn't care about the truth.
The Stahl Center for Peace and Balance is...,
...Michele's new scam, er, I mean, business. Or should I say Vanilla ? Safron is a rep. Sumac, a.k.a., Thomas, is her chef.
The Ritz Carlton
Andy, who looks like the actor, Ted McGinley, is another jerk. Carl is the bartender. Brenda is the target that first night. Rogerio is a bus boy; Isaac is a waiter. Jara and Howard are a couple of guests, and Jara is not happy about where Howard is directing his attention.
Chicago
Detective Nick Thomas and his partner Detective Chris Roberts have questions. Andy Wind is one of Kelly's fraternity brothers who opened up Pasta LaVista, a restaurant that is a fusion of Mexican and Italian.
Deerfield, Illinois, is...
...Swingtown, the best swinging city in the country. Seems a swinger who goes by El Capitan wants in on the focus group. Kelly rents the Willette house for his focus group. Jeanette Wainwright is his very nosy new neighbor who gets all her ideas from the Bobby Williamson who blew up his mother's house. Tucker is her dog, and Harold is her husband. Piper is an overly talkative clerk in Deerfield. Patrick is a waiter at the American Steakhouse. Father Daniel "Danny" Josephs is about to say Mass. Officers Wilcox and Baker show up to investigate.
Swinging 101 is all about the fake names: Adam and Eve, Jack and Diane, Ross and Rachel, Billy and Allison, Luke and Leia, Ricky and Lucy, Joanie and Chachi, and Mulder and Scully. "Sergeant" Pepper Gardner is the party planner, the woman who proves there are outliers in any population.
Hart Literary Agency is...
...owned by Pam Hart. Andre Taylor works in her office. Elizabeth is an editor. Mick George is her favorite client.
Blaze Hazelwood is the lead character in Kelly's book, Allison is his love interest, and Victor needs to be broken out of the nursing home.
Farrah Graham is a podcaster with Uncorking a Murder. Ted McGinley (the real one), Andrew Shue, Jennifer Grey, and Jack Wagner will sign up to work in Return to Casa Grande.
Ella is the Carson's handywoman. Beverly works the airport's customer service desk. Squeaker is a barista. Mary is the baggage office clerk in Hawaii. Frank Luntz runs focus groups. Diane is with the Flying Colonel frequent flyer program. Eva (she's really Madeline, a.k.a., Maddy) was their flight attendant on the plane over. Charles must be a coworker, a gay one. Michael is the flight attendant back to the mainland. Kelly's fellow commuters include "How are ya?" Ed, Crazy Tom, and "Hey Mom" whose previous boyfriend was Mike. A TSA agent at LaGuardia, Fred, must have had dreams of becoming a proctologist.
The Cover and Title
The cover is pale with its white background and sky blue polka dots. The title is in a complementary royal blue right down the middle. The author's name is in a deep gray at the bottom. The only embellishment is a nod to the Superman lurking under Kelly "Clark" Carson's man-on-the-street persona with a unique "stopper" of a gummy bear (you'll see!) in that third word fo the title.
The title says it all, All the F*cks I Cannot Give from a man who just wants to be free.
This eBook was sent to me by Uncorking a Story for an honest review.
My Take
All the F*cks I Cannot Give truly is funny, and the wisdom that evolves, the changes that take place, will burn in your mind. It was still annoying, though, how passive Kelly is. He never confronts anyone. He never stands up for himself. And I suppose that's the great conflict in the story.
The other really annoying part was Kelly being fired made no sense whatsoever, as he's "the most productive moderator in the company". But then I suspect I'd flunk Big Business 101, and of course, another inciting incident would be lost.
On the plus side, Carlon has got such a way with words, oh man, you will be LYAO.
"...bury herself in beaver like a fat man at a Las Vegas buffet."It's fun listening to Terri critique conflict in Kelly's draft, the one that doesn't have any conflict, much like its author. What's not so much fun about her is how pushy, provocative (not in the good way), and loud she is.
"At 42, I've only had sex with two people — the latter being the lesbian who hasn't touched me in ten years."
"...seduce the reader and give them the best orgasm of their life."
"...Ella and I have come to view you as a liability."
"Ill never know what it's like to raise kids and live vicariously through them, to burden them with one's own disappointments."
"Ecclesiastical calisthenics."
But it's Terri who pulls out the man who gives a fuck. The one who discovers how much fun it is being with someone who shares your interests. Carlon does have fun with those pop-culture references.
What is it with mothers who blame their kids for being born? It's not like any of us had a choice about it. Of course, his mother is real piece of work. Oy. Then there's FishFace, oops, I mean Laura who has been leaching off Kelly for years. She's so impossible to believe that she's fascinating.
Oh, does that scene hit a nerve! And it's so true, no one wants to take a risk anymore with "Hollywood ... [making] ... the same five movies over and over, and each "new product I test is just a variation on a theme". Who can't relate to that one! And such a metaphor for Kelly's life.
I gotta agree with Kelly, I had no idea there was so much involved in planning a swingers' party... And some of those guests, oh, mercy...ROFLMAO...
You know, it may be true that nice guys finish last, but this nice guy finishes well.
The Story
Three weeks before Christmas, New York-bound, mild-mannered Marketing Consultant Kelly Carson gets fired from his job over the telephone while sitting in an airline lounge in the Los Angeles Airport.
Terri Flynn, a fiery and controversial starlet who is running away to New York after walking off the set of her latest feature film, overhears Kelly’s unceremonious firing and becomes hellbent on transforming him from the Clark Kent he is into the Superman the impulsive actress feels he’s destined to become.
After their flight to New York is cancelled, Kelly and Terri take a last-minute jaunt to Hawaii, putting in motion a series of hilarious events and misfortunes that shake both of their worlds to the core, but not always for the better.
From diverted flights, romps on the beach, and overindulging on edibles to swingers' parties, it just gets wilder and wilder.
The Characters
It only looks like a lot of characters...
Kelly "Clark" Carson is a research analyst who can't say boo; Pete calls him "Farmer Kelly". He's also an aspiring novelist who decides he'll be Hunter Carson. Laura, a.k.a., Fuck Face, Tartar Sauce, and FishFace, is his wife...and a lesbian. (Her father is a mechanical engineer and can do it all.) Dr Josephine Carson is Kelly's twin sister and a lesbian who spotted Laura at the Meow Mix. Vanessa, a TV news anchor, is her current girlfriend. Their guilt-ladling mother, who is more concerned about appearances than anything, or anyone, else, has a sister, Mia. Eddie is Kelly's GTI five-speed.
Owned by Dallas, the Tequila Mockingbird, a.k.a., The Bird, is Kelly and Jo's favorite restaurant, and Jason is Jo's favorite bartender although Ryan is great too, while Hugo Garcia, Cesar's brother, is their favorite waiter, and Emilio is a bus boy. Lino, his cousin, had the flu last week.
Zora's is an independent coffee shop, and Zora knows people. Zora's sister runs Coraline's, a trendy bar where Ivan, Aleksander, and Karlo play dominoes. Gail Dexter is Connecticut's preeminent swinger; Charles is her husband.
Angelo, one of Kelly's best friends from high school, handles snow removal at their place. Cesar Garcia is the driver Kelly uses in Connecticut. Jim Peters is one of Ella's lawyer friends. Stanley Rothstein handled Vanessa's divorce — she'd been married to the network's president.
Terri Flynn is the obnoxious actress Kelly meets at the airport. Angelo has her last film in his spank bank. Jimmy Walker is supposedly making a comeback film with Terri. Woody is Terri's agent. Her dad is career military, Captain Kevin Flynn, and despises Terri's acting career. Joan is his lady friend.
Omnivore is...
...a holding company that bought Stahl and Partners, a research company run by Michele Stahl who wants to sell out and where Kelly works...worked. Pete Jackson is Kelly's new boss and a true jerk. Heather, Laurie, and Brian haven't had a project in months. Sharon is the bubbly office manager/receptionist. Mara is a friend who works in the field management group. The clueless Destiny is with HR.
Natasha is an Australian client of Kelly's with a new product, Popeye condoms, who takes it to Carson and Partners. Steve, a.k.a., Mr Fur Coat, is an art director; Oliver, a.k.a., Skinny Man, is a copywriter who calls Kelly "Questions".
Hawaii
Todd Fucking McKay is a scum-sucking paparazzo who doesn't care about the truth.
The Stahl Center for Peace and Balance is...,
...Michele's new scam, er, I mean, business. Or should I say Vanilla ? Safron is a rep. Sumac, a.k.a., Thomas, is her chef.
The Ritz Carlton
Andy, who looks like the actor, Ted McGinley, is another jerk. Carl is the bartender. Brenda is the target that first night. Rogerio is a bus boy; Isaac is a waiter. Jara and Howard are a couple of guests, and Jara is not happy about where Howard is directing his attention.
Chicago
Detective Nick Thomas and his partner Detective Chris Roberts have questions. Andy Wind is one of Kelly's fraternity brothers who opened up Pasta LaVista, a restaurant that is a fusion of Mexican and Italian.
Deerfield, Illinois, is...
...Swingtown, the best swinging city in the country. Seems a swinger who goes by El Capitan wants in on the focus group. Kelly rents the Willette house for his focus group. Jeanette Wainwright is his very nosy new neighbor who gets all her ideas from the Bobby Williamson who blew up his mother's house. Tucker is her dog, and Harold is her husband. Piper is an overly talkative clerk in Deerfield. Patrick is a waiter at the American Steakhouse. Father Daniel "Danny" Josephs is about to say Mass. Officers Wilcox and Baker show up to investigate.
Swinging 101 is all about the fake names: Adam and Eve, Jack and Diane, Ross and Rachel, Billy and Allison, Luke and Leia, Ricky and Lucy, Joanie and Chachi, and Mulder and Scully. "Sergeant" Pepper Gardner is the party planner, the woman who proves there are outliers in any population.
Hart Literary Agency is...
...owned by Pam Hart. Andre Taylor works in her office. Elizabeth is an editor. Mick George is her favorite client.
Blaze Hazelwood is the lead character in Kelly's book, Allison is his love interest, and Victor needs to be broken out of the nursing home.
Farrah Graham is a podcaster with Uncorking a Murder. Ted McGinley (the real one), Andrew Shue, Jennifer Grey, and Jack Wagner will sign up to work in Return to Casa Grande.
Ella is the Carson's handywoman. Beverly works the airport's customer service desk. Squeaker is a barista. Mary is the baggage office clerk in Hawaii. Frank Luntz runs focus groups. Diane is with the Flying Colonel frequent flyer program. Eva (she's really Madeline, a.k.a., Maddy) was their flight attendant on the plane over. Charles must be a coworker, a gay one. Michael is the flight attendant back to the mainland. Kelly's fellow commuters include "How are ya?" Ed, Crazy Tom, and "Hey Mom" whose previous boyfriend was Mike. A TSA agent at LaGuardia, Fred, must have had dreams of becoming a proctologist.
The Cover and Title
The cover is pale with its white background and sky blue polka dots. The title is in a complementary royal blue right down the middle. The author's name is in a deep gray at the bottom. The only embellishment is a nod to the Superman lurking under Kelly "Clark" Carson's man-on-the-street persona with a unique "stopper" of a gummy bear (you'll see!) in that third word fo the title.
The title says it all, All the F*cks I Cannot Give from a man who just wants to be free.
June 27, 2018
Far from being a book filled with salacious humor, the sexual encounters described in All the F*cks I Cannot Give by Michael Carlon are all pertinent and very to the point. When middle-aged and horny marketing researcher Kelly Carson meets deeply frustrated, yet amazingly forceful, starlet Terri Flynn, in a LAX airport lounge, the two key protagonists are in a state of transition, both literally and metaphorically, with the former having just lost his oh-so-seemingly-secure job, and the latter having just walked off the set of her latest feature film, in defiance of a director’s insistence that she go topless. On the spur of the moment, they decide to head off to Maui for the weekend, rather than trailing home with their tail between their legs. Shortly after their arrival, they both have a great deal more in that portion of their anatomy, but it all somehow makes a great deal of sense in terms of the plot, making the sex that they have anything but gratuitous.
Humor lies at the bottom of this tale of romantic (mis)adventure, starting with the upturning of the gender stereotyping of Kelly and Terri. The latter is a feisty woman who knows exactly what she wants, and precisely what she is willing to give to achieve fame within the film industry, while the former’s deep sense of repression (understandable, this, as his wife is a lesbian, who hasn’t given him any nookie for the last decade) lands him not in hot water (as his marriage is most decidedly an open one, with his wife busy beavering away in more ways than one!), but in an ice-cold pool at the bottom of a waterfall, when the two intrepid voyagers go on an off-the-map hike through the lush Hawaiian undergrowth.
All the F*cks I Cannot Give also has its more serious side, though, as it does explore what slightly wacky, off-center relationships can do to/for one. The issue of corporate ethics also emerges, as the dismay that Kelly feels at being told summarily via SMS that he’s just lost his job uproots his heretofore experienced sense of equilibrium, so much so that he dares do something that he would never previously have tried, essentially running off with a much younger woman for the adventure of a lifetime (midlife crisis, ahoy!). Carlon makes us all question what makes us do what we do, and shows what can happen, when we allow our innate sense of spontaneity and gleeful playfulness to take over our sometimes humdrum, tedious little lives.
In short, I challenge anyone who is facing any kind of dilemma in their life (but especially those men who are facing a midlife crisis!) to read this book and to take a salient lesson from Carlon’s kingpin antihero. Your 40s, rather than being the start of a long downhill slide to decrepitude, can, in fact, be the start of some of the best years of your life, you just have to embrace them right! (PS: Please note that all the double entendres in this review are deliberate...)
Humor lies at the bottom of this tale of romantic (mis)adventure, starting with the upturning of the gender stereotyping of Kelly and Terri. The latter is a feisty woman who knows exactly what she wants, and precisely what she is willing to give to achieve fame within the film industry, while the former’s deep sense of repression (understandable, this, as his wife is a lesbian, who hasn’t given him any nookie for the last decade) lands him not in hot water (as his marriage is most decidedly an open one, with his wife busy beavering away in more ways than one!), but in an ice-cold pool at the bottom of a waterfall, when the two intrepid voyagers go on an off-the-map hike through the lush Hawaiian undergrowth.
All the F*cks I Cannot Give also has its more serious side, though, as it does explore what slightly wacky, off-center relationships can do to/for one. The issue of corporate ethics also emerges, as the dismay that Kelly feels at being told summarily via SMS that he’s just lost his job uproots his heretofore experienced sense of equilibrium, so much so that he dares do something that he would never previously have tried, essentially running off with a much younger woman for the adventure of a lifetime (midlife crisis, ahoy!). Carlon makes us all question what makes us do what we do, and shows what can happen, when we allow our innate sense of spontaneity and gleeful playfulness to take over our sometimes humdrum, tedious little lives.
In short, I challenge anyone who is facing any kind of dilemma in their life (but especially those men who are facing a midlife crisis!) to read this book and to take a salient lesson from Carlon’s kingpin antihero. Your 40s, rather than being the start of a long downhill slide to decrepitude, can, in fact, be the start of some of the best years of your life, you just have to embrace them right! (PS: Please note that all the double entendres in this review are deliberate...)
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