If I'm So Wonderful, Why Am I Still Single? : Ten Strategies That Will Change Your Love Life Forever

by Susan Page

Offers positive advice for singles searching for long-term relationships by identifying the ten most common mistakes made by individuals in search of commitment and explaining how to avoid them

Genres: Self Help, Relationships, Nonfiction, Psychology

255 pages, Hardcover

First published January 1, 1988

Reviews

[Deborah Day · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a must read for all singles. Being single or single again can be such a frustrating time. The author gives wonderful practical ideas about how to prepare yourself to meet a partner and how to be realistic in your expectations. She helps diminish many of the myths about love and dating. Along with the information and insight in the book she includes "experiments" to get the reader more involved. I have not had any of my single clients dislike this book. Most find it to be a great source of guidance and encouragement.

[Naeemah Huggins · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow, ok. Thank you for this. Don't lower your standards and get out before you squander your heart. These are my takeaways from this book. The other reviews were right. Its a necessary read. You always find your keys in the last place you look, you will turn your house upside down looking for your keys and not count how many times you looked in the same place or how long it took you. You're just glad you found them and that you can stop looking. Same as when you need to look for a mate, if you need to kiss 200 frogs to find your prince then do so, live, laugh and love on the journey.

This book was so necessary that i bought physical copies. My girlfriends should definitely be on the lookout for this one in there gift bags...

[Nada | ندى · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of the bestn book I ever read about relationships, its wonderful, I recommend it not just for single person also for married one's.

[Brad Garton]

Really helpful book for me. I am three years out of divorce and looking for another long term relationship. It's been almost 40 years since I dated, and this helped me better understand what I want and how to go about searching for it. The exercises were really good.

[Bethany · Rating 3 out of 5]

Well-written. A few passages felt self-helpy, but the bulk of the book was insightful and useful. Not necessarily a Christian perspective but overall a great resource.

[Lorraine · Rating 1 out of 5]

Well, I'm reading this on my friend's advice. He told me to read dating books and here I am.

I will be reading more I suppose, but as it is, being left-wing does not help my cause, especially when she uses words like "shopping" to describe the search for a partner and "mate" to describe the partner. The two put together "mate shopping" -- gives a very nasty shock. Kinda a celebration of capitalism... only it's done very unpoetically.

Nevertheless there probably is some good stuff in here, I jotted it down somewhere, but the diction seriously got on my nerves.

[Eva · Rating 2 out of 5]

A terrible title and not a book I finished reading, but 3 quotes:

“If a man was going to be intimidated by me, I wanted it to happen right away so we wouldn’t waste each other’s time.” – ii

“Stress and intimacy are virtually incompatible.” – p5

“For too many people, love seems like more trouble than it’s worth” – ix

[Heather · Rating 4 out of 5]

The title says it all. I can't say that I ever found the answer (at least not yet!) but I'm definitely working through it. The book offers journaling exercises that are really insightful.

[Clare · Rating 4 out of 5]

I enjoyed this book and think everyone should read it, single or not (although I am single). It's empowering and gives you a bit of a lift.

[Colleen Wainwright · Rating 4 out of 5]

One of the most sensible and well-written of the relationship books, with the absolute worst title of all of them. (To be fair to the author, in her preface to the revised edition, she cops to the lameness of the title, having realized in hindsight what she could not at original press time.)

Her intentions were honorable, though, as reflected by her content. The original king-daddy of "get your own shit together, please" approach to dating, the plan outlined in the book is thorough, expecting not-inappropriately high levels of diligence and forbearance. Best of all, she (gently) forces you to take a long, hard look at the truth of your life. If you've rationalized your own ambivalence, she will call you on your shit—maybe not in Chapter One, maybe not in Chapter Five, but eventually, and in a manner so spot-on, you are likely to physically shrink from the text. There is no hiding in the "If I'm So Wonderful?" world!

Even if you don't feel like acting on the full soup-to-(am I)-nuts plan, there are some good tips and tools on getting clarity around what you're looking for and logical, high-return hunting strategies. Plus, it's oddly comforting to read this and know that I'm not alone in my trepidation, and that when I'm ready to let go of it—or feel the fear and do it anyway—others like me have successfully crossed over from skeptics to true believers.

[Ligia Ayala · Rating 3 out of 5]

A good friend of mine who is ten years my senior recommended that I read this. Her best friend gave it to her as a gift and after having gone out on many first dates, I began to ask myself the same question: If I'm So Wonderful, Why Am I Still Single?

This is not a marketing tool for the single gal. This book will not tell you how to land a good man or get married or feel better about the crappy relationships you've had.

This book will help you laugh about your inner crazy (and you know we all have one), take the good with the bad regarding your past loves, and take an honest inventory of the self-sabotaging things we do in our heads that make that first date over long before the dinner check arrives.

[Jennifer · Rating 5 out of 5]

I thought this was a great book. Yes, it is a bit outdated in parts, especially the STD section. It still has a lot of great information that can be used in this day and age. While she does make small notes about making changes to yourself to become an ideal mate, this isn't the main focus. It isn't much of the focus at all. She focuses instead on mistakes we make that keep us single-staying in hopeless relationships, settling, not actively looking. She gives advice on detecting commitmentphobes and people with intimacy problems early. She even gives advice on what to do if you are one. The book even helps you to determine if you are truly single because you aren't implementing these strategies or if you simply want to be single. I would highly recommend it.

[pianogal · Rating 3 out of 5]

It's funny b/c this one was is not a religious book on dating, and yet a lot of the information it contains is the same message as the Christian books. It was also interesting b/c the edition I read was from 1985. The general principles still apply, but some of the other chapters (like the one one AIDS) are a little outdated. The exercised seemed a little forced, and I'm not sure anyone would really sit down and do them, but I guess if you want it bad enough, you'll do anything to leave the ranks of the involutarily single.

Best thought from the book - the reason you may still be single is because you are ambivalent about wanting to change. Definately some food for thought.

[Ruthie · Rating 3 out of 5]

I read this somewhere around 2003. I had already met my Mr Right. I just didn't know it. Didn't know it until he asked me out on a date in 2007 (and at the time, I didn't know I was on a date, I thought I was just taking up a spare place).
So, Happy Ever Afters do happen.
I think this book was helpful in shifting my mental attitude. But there was another book which approached dating from a marketing perspective that I really like. But I can't remember the title.

Reason for setting up a shelf called 'Mum's Sad Books' - I've always loved self help books. So I have quite a collection. My daughters gave the collection this tongue-in-cheek description.

[Leanora · Rating 3 out of 5]

Susan Page does an excellent job of challenging the reader to examine priorities, goals, roadblocks that are preventing women from opening themselves up, and looking at how times have changed making it more challenging for women to excel in both love and work.
I wish I had this book when I was single! Between the quizzes, the journal activities, anecdotes and the case studies, Page makes some compelling points and really gets you thinking about why you still may be single and more importantly, what YOU can do about it.

[Xin Yan · Rating 3 out of 5]

The first English book I read word by word on kindle. It's kind of like a textbook or a guidebook, tell you exactly what to do and how to think about love life. Maybe it is useful and applies good enough for people who really do like the author says in this book. As the fact I am still single after two years passed, I wonder if my problems too much or I am too stubborn. Well, screw love life or marriage , I just want to earn more money in the coming year of 2017. And merry Christmas , everyone. :)

[Rae · Rating 2 out of 5]

No...this book did not change my life when I read it as a single woman. So much of what is offered is common sense. I read a lot of these self-help books when I was single just to cover my bases. I don't think they hurt me any as it is almost always a good thing to look at oneself and seek improvement and growth.

[Cristhiane · Rating 4 out of 5]

I thought this was a good, eye-opening book. I read it because it intrigued me and it had good material. It did go a little long though. I would recommend it to someone who is struggling with being single.

[Sagrario Zamora · Rating 5 out of 5]

Learn a lot, I will practice what I learned with a positive attitude... I will definitely recommend it!!

[kim dickinson · Rating 5 out of 5]

On point

This book was on-point. So much hit home for me. The advice on BTNs was priceless. Also her discussion about letting go.... determination not desperation was insightful

[Kittyta Sandy · Rating 4 out of 5]

Loved it, it really help me see where some of my beliefs are stopping my growth. It has help me open my eyes about personal love and how I can be a better person in relationships

[Sara Loves to Read · Rating 4 out of 5]

Hard copy.
Gestalt therapy, which was developed by Fritz Perls, assists individuals to reclaim lost aspects of themselves and thereby to become more integrated, more “whole,” and more fully-functioning human beings.
Stress and intimacy are virtually incompatible. We’re all so stressed today.
The most important prerequisite for finding a satisfying intimate relationship is wanting one. Clarifying whether you have ambivalence about being in an intimate relationship.
Involuntary singles fall into two categories: singles who want a relationship but haven’t met the right person yet and singles who, whether consciously or unconsciously, are ambivalent.
Ambivalence is especially powerful in keeping someone single when it remains unconscious.
Even if you have ambivalence, you don’t have to get rid of it - You can behave as though you have a strong, unambivalent desire for love.
All important decisions are made on the basis of insufficient data because you can’t be sure what will result from your decision until you make it. So tell yourself that. Make a decision even though you are still ambivalent and then trust that you and the universe working together will make it a good, right decision. No way to know for sure.
If you are unambivalent, but your perseverance hasn’t produced yet, your challenge is to maintain your clarity in the face of a barrage of books, articles, and well-wishers whose aim is to convince you that something else is wrong.
Persistence and patience.
Determination without desperation.
Ignore the dread statistics.
Go for volume. Increase the flow of people in your life.
If you are in the top little triangle, your search may be more difficult than other people’s. If the person you seek is one in a hundred, then screen a hundred.
Figure out what you really want and make that your standard. You can’t just decide to lower your standard. Your standard is your standard.
Somerset Maugham - “it’s a funny thing about life. If you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it.”
When a real potential partner comes along, put away the list. It is useful in the abstract, but when you meet someone, your standard becomes your intuition.
Nuisance value vs. essential flaws - the nuisance value may be high but you still want the relationship and it can work because it’s not an essential flaw. And the essential flaw may seem minor but the relationship won’t work.
The question is does it interfere with your ability to love and respect your partner.
Clarify what you want and pass up everyone who does not fit the bill.
Trusting is the only way to overcome the difficulty of saying no. You have to trust the future to bring you what is truly right for you.
You are not responsible for how the other person responds to your no.
Intimacy is not possible without a certain amount of healthy, mutual dependence.
Every time a person falls in love, fear comes up.
Fear of closeness, dependence, losing oneself, failure, pain, having to reveal closely held secrets, having to discover secrets you didn’t even know you had.
Fear instincts protect our bodies and they also protect our egos.
Being intimate requires sharing your fears and insecurities with the person you love. What intimacy is about is stripping away your outer, more public ways of being and relating to another person with your inner, more genuine self.
Courage is not the absence of fear, courage is the ability to act when you do feel fear.
When you talk about your fear, say what is going on for you.
Paratroopers - the highest level of fear occurs right before the jump. Drops dramatically once they are out the door.
The person who rejects you is making a statement about himself or herself - not about you. If other people don’t have the good sense to love you, they have a problem, not you.
Meeting the right person at the wrong time is exactly the same as meeting the wrong person. What you seek is the right person at the right time.
Don’t think rejection means you have to change something about yourself.
Feeling depressed is difficult, but it is not stupid. Be kind to yourself and pamper yourself.
People who are so “together” that they never feel lonely or needy probably don’t feel very much else, either.
Self-responsibility can be taken to a ridiculous extreme. You are not “responsible” for your single status. Many factors contribute to it, only one of which is the amount of initiative you take.
Letting go means you are no longer anxious about finding a relationship. Inner peace, acceptance, being free of a burden.
You don’t know enough to be able to control everything.
Letting go is something that happens to you.

[User · Rating 5 out of 5]

If I could sum up this book into one sentence it would be, "Be open but also very picky."

Was this book perfect, no; however, with that being said, just picking this book up and reading through it requires a sense of vulnerability and it's up to you whether you chose to open up to love in your life. My favorite parts (If you can call it that) was when the author mentioned that Mother Theresa called the USA the most loveless country in the world (And I would say the UK too here), the great emotional depression we are in, how capitalism is ruining our love lives and our ability to be intimate and vulnerable with another person, and the talk about the military complex and how it's bad and somehow relating that to modern day relationships was all just so fascinating to read about.

I personally thought that the author's voice was very compassionate when discussing these topics which is important because it would be easy to be condescending. It was like a strict teacher telling me in the kindest way what was up if that makes sense?

What I learned too is that more often than not is that we are our own worst enemy and that for me as the reader sometimes we just have to move on and say no sometimes when it's difficult because in the end it's for the best. Because even after reading this I know that there will be people that won't like this book, but the "Harsh Reality" (If you want to call it that I suppose) is that anyone can fall in love if they allow themselves too, and the excuses we give to ourselves, others, and to society as a whole are exactly that...excuses. Regardless if someone is straight, gay, bi, trans, non-binary, ace, white, black, asian, etc. as human beings, we all have emotions and feelings. And sometimes its scary, and just because maybe some of us have never been in love before, that doesn't mean that we can't, if we just open ourselves up and allow ourselves to be venerable with another person that deserves it of course. (Ambivalence was a huge subject in the book that describes it better than I can)

In the end, if I am able, to stop making the excuses that I made for myself on why I was still single that the book highlighted, then I'm on my way there. I think that everyone should read this book (Yes perhaps some aspects are a bit dated, but other places are 100% ahead of its time) and I would highly recommend it.

[Carolina · Rating 2 out of 5]

I really wanted to like this book, but it felt like it was written for a completely different time. For example, one of the main strategies is about creating a ‘dating plan’ and sticking to it, which might have worked back in the day. But now, with dating apps and how fast-paced everything is, it feels way too rigid. There’s also a section about avoiding ‘unavailable people’, which is fair advice, but the examples felt so generic and didn’t really dig into what ‘unavailability’ looks like in today’s world - like ghosting or breadcrumbing.

The book has some good ideas about self-reflection and taking control of your love life, but it doesn’t really speak to the realities of modern dating. I found myself wishing the author had updated it with insights about online dating or how social media impacts relationships. It’s not a bad book, just not one I could relate to or use in my own life.

[Caden Mccann · Rating 4 out of 5]

One of the better books I've read on navigating the dating scene. Loneliness is increasingly the norm and the world does not care about your success. In your search for the ideal partner, you need to be proactive and willing to wade through a lot of often mediocre social situations.

[Nicole Carey · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very insightful read for everyone not just singles. Applying a lot of this knowledge to any goal in one's life. I do wonder how this book would be adapted to the 21st century and the obsession of smart phones and reduced communication because of it 🤔.

[Sanjay Pandiri · Rating 5 out of 5]

Cameron bennett who!!!!!!!!

[gabby grutt · Rating 3 out of 5]

Had some really great points and some important things to think about. Called me out on saying I want someone but getting away with doing nothing about it. It was a solid kick in the butt.

[Christina · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was published in 1988. Definitely some outdated verbiage but some of that advice stuck with me. Appreciated this read

[Monalisa]

Vonny Thay