Not Always in the Mood: The New Science of Men, Sex, and Relationships

by Sarah Hunter Murray

If there is one thing we know about men and sex it is that men are always in the mood. Any time, any place. Right?Wrong. Men’s sexual desire has long been depicted as high, simple, and unwavering. But the new research around men’s desire tells us this is far from true; and that good sex and relationships are suffering from these long-held misconceptions. In Not Always in the The New Science on Men, Sex, and Relationships sex researcher and relationship therapist Sarah Hunter Murray presents a lively, timely, and critical exploration of the newest, most surprising science on men and sex, shattering myths about men’s sexuality and helping today’s couples connect more deeply and authentically than ever before. One-by-one, Murray examines the most detrimental, deep-held beliefs we as a society promote around men and their desire, and dive into how they affect our intimate relationships daily – and what to do about it. Do men actually crave and enjoy sex more than women? Do men “do the wanting” and prefer the chase? Where do they stand on sexual rejection? What’s the deal with porn? Answering these questions and more, this is a book for modern women and men alike. Moving beyond typical “here’s what he likes” sexual tips, the book empowers readers and offers a completely new perspective on sexuality that will validate men’s experiences and help their partners to a greater understanding of the psychology and emotions surrounding them.

Genres: Nonfiction, Sexuality, Relationships

266 pages, Kindle Edition

Published February 15, 2019

Reviews

[Roxann · Rating 4 out of 5]

The self-help sections are, uh, for a limited audience to say the least, but the research was solid and I appreciate the debunking of so many myths around masculinity. It all feels like "well, duh" when you read it, but I feel like I'm going to bring it up in a lot of conversations from now on. Read this along with Emily Nagoski's Come As You Are.

[A · Rating 5 out of 5]

Incredible book from 2019 that challenges harmful assumptions around male sexuality. I suspect it will be my favorite book I’ve for 2021. #RequiredReading

[Stephanie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Anyone with the misconception that men want sex 24/7 should read this book.

[Chad King · Rating 4 out of 5]

Based on Western pop culture and tradition most people believe that men are simple creatures (or, said another way, robots) when it comes to sex. Murray addresses this belief as well as various other stereotypes, myths, and assumptions that men and women hold regarding male attitudes towards sex and relationships.

Murray starts by acknowledging that while there is a considerable body of research regarding how women approach relationships, sex, and intimacy, there is little on the same topics with respect to men. Instead, when it comes to men most researchers have proceeded under a number of "generally accepted" assumptions. Murray combines her empirical experience with the existing research and studies to conclude that most of these assumptions are not broadly applicable at best, and outright wrong at worst.

Murray wrote the book for a general audience so she's careful not to get bogged down in technical jargon or theoretical psychology, but for each chapter she includes footnotes to the studies and reference materials she uses and at the end of the book she includes a comprehensive list of more detailed resources.

Recommended for anyone (man or woman) that wants to better understand the attitudes, expectations, social mores, and internal/external pressures that shape male perspectives on relationships and sex.

[Bryan Atkinson · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this book to learn more about sexual desire in general, and it delivered. It's written by a counselor, so it focuses on how to improve relationships and have conversations with a partner that may be difficult considering 9 widely accepted myths in our culture about male sexuality. The basic premise of the book is that men (especially older men) aren't as sex-crazed and desperate for sex as often assumed and instead have just as complex of sexuality as women. Men want to be desired, be the receiver of initiation, want to relate emotionally, and might want to say "no" sometimes because of a lack of relational connection or for many other reasons.

It's fun and easy to read but seems well researched, and the author included several quotes and stories from her counseling sessions that illustrate each myth. I think she's naive about pornography, and I found it odd that she supported its use given some of the motivations men say they use it for. I was hoping to learn more about hormones and the physiology of sexual desire, which there was a bit of. Instead she wrote about evolutionary science, which I didn't find compelling.

[Sabrina · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book really tackled and made me understand a lot of myths out there about sex and the way a man’s brain works. Am I still confused? Definitely 🤣 but I do understand a little more than I did before I read it. I loved the stories from other couples and their experiences. It was a good read and very easy to understand!

[Rachel Orpano · Rating 4 out of 5]

VERY hetero-normative and binary!! No conversation about dimensions of culture. All myths skim the surface and can be expanded into their own book. With all that being said, this is a great way to start conversations and challenge assumptions about men's sexual desire!

Recommended population: Heterosexual cisgendered couples in long-term relationships

[Heather · Rating 5 out of 5]

I think this is a really useful book for cis men who feel like they aren't being men quiet right, or women who plan on being in a long term relationship with a CIS man.