Is It Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage: A Christian Woman's Guide to Hidden Emotional and Spiritual Abuse

by Natalie Hoffman

Are you a Christian woman in a painful and confusing marriage? This book is for you. Here's what we cover in each

CHAPTER 1 Is This Your Marriage?

We'll start off by diving into the characteristics of an emotionally and spiritually abusive marriage. You'll learn how to recognize covert abuse and abusive patterns of behavior. This is an important first step in your ultimate recovery.

CHAPTER 2 What Does a Normal Marriage Look Like?

Well, for starters, it's not confusing. In this chapter, you'll learn the six characteristics of a normal, healthy Christian marriage. Because when you've been living in crazy land for so long, it's hard to know sometimes.

CHAPTER 3 The Propaganda Machine

We'll take a close look at some of the most common beliefs Christian women are programmed with in order to keep them from entering into their full identity and power through Christ.

Chapter 4 His Role

Chapter four takes an up-close look at what makes your partner tick. What does he do and why does he do it? And most importantly, the million-dollar question...CAN HE CHANGE?

Chapter 5 Your Role

You might think this chapter is going to define you as weak, powerless, and small. But that wouldn't be telling the truth. The emotional abuse victim is incredibly resilient, responsible, forgiving, and empathetic. You'll read about your strengths and why they were the reason you were targeted in the first place. If you've been erased, this chapter will help you see who you really are.

Chapter 6 The Roles of Others

Your emotionally abusive relationship depends on an unspoken agreement between your partner and your church, family, friends, counselors, and community. He agrees to treat them nice, and they agree to look the other way when you come forward to expose his behavior. This leaves you on your own to fight for your sanity and safety. Find out how and why others believe the abuser over the victim most of the time.

Chapter 7 God's Role

Wonder where God is in this mess? In this chapter you'll learn about God's view of women, what the Bible says about abuse, and what God thinks about marriage and divorce. But most importantly, what does God think about you? Does He care about your marriage more than He cares about the lives within that marriage? You'll discover that God is nothing like your abuser.

Chapter 8 Changing Your Role

It takes courage to break free from long-held beliefs and life-long patterns of behavior designed to protect you from core pain. Survivors learn, sometimes for the first time, how to stand alone. Fear is part of this journey, but so is love.

Chapter 9 House of Cards

This chapter is all about what happens when the survivor changes her role. Because a lot of people won't like it when you finally start to realize and live into being the adult you are.

Chapter 10 The Key to Your Future

The key is YOU. Your identity has been neglected for so long - perhaps all of your life. Other people sprayed graffiti all over the walls of your life, and now it's time to clean it all up and make it yours again. This isn't selfish. This is wise stewardship. This chapter will give you an exciting vision for how you can begin the process of being YOU.

Genres: Marriage, Abuse, Christian, Counselling, Relationships, Nonfiction

351 pages, Kindle Edition

Published November 8, 2018

About the author

Natalie Hoffman is an author, educator, advocate, host of the Flying Free podcast, and founder of the Flying Free and Flying Higher programs for Christian women recovering from emotionally and spiritually abusive relationships and religious environments. She writes articles on her website, flyingfreenow.com. Take her emotional abuse quiz and find out if your relationship is emotionally abusive by going to emotionalabusequiz.com

Reviews

[Megan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow, wow, WOW!! I cannot begin to say what this book has been for me. I've read several others about emotional abuse and Christian divorce, and this book beats them all. I felt like I could write "me too" across every page. I came away feeling so understood, not alone, and assured of the decision I've made to leave my marriage.
Thankfully, I am writing this review from a place of safety. I'm currently separated and able to see the reality of what was happening in my marriage-and this book just brought so much more to light. My view of myself and God was at an all-time low in my marriage. I didn't realize just how much this was keeping me trapped. I truly believed that I was not worth more, and that God had planned a life of suffering for me, this was my lot and I deserved it.
For anyone reading this review and feeling the same--PLEASE KNOW THIS IS NOT TRUE. God loves you. He wants good things for you. YOU ARE WORTH IT. He died on a cross to tell you that.
I want to buy this book for EVERYONE I KNOW. Not so they can understand my situation, but so that they can understand just how much God values each and every one of us.

[Terry · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book suggests that divorce is the only option for an emotionally abusive marriage. Some women are not in a position financially, emotionally, physically, or logistically to divorce their husbands. Some women may recognize that their husband is emotionally abusive, but they feel called to stay. It may not be an easy or painless road ahead of them, but neither is divorce for some women. For some women, divorce is too high a price. There are ways to cope in an emotionally abusive marriage. The women can learn to recognize his tactics and not be as affected by him. She also can turn her energy from getting him to change to self growth and self care. She can explore what God is calling her to and pursue that with determination in spite of her husband’s discouragement or negativity. She can grow professionally. Some women can have more freedom to develop and grow in the financial stability of their marriage- and it isn’t always just to prepare themselves to leave in the future. Some women truly love their husband’s and don’t want to abandon him. Maybe he has changed some, but not done a complete turn around? Maybe, he has changed enough to make the relationship livable. There are many good points in the book. What I take issue with is some of the author’s opinions that she writes as fact. She seems to project her own life on everyone else. Divorce is not the only option. It seems that the author portrays it as the only option. This could push women to divorce who are not ready. The author gives lip service to women making their own adult decisions, but then she subtly pushes them towards divorce. That is one sided and unhealthy in my opinion.

[Lauren Vaughan · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'm thankful for this book. It took me a long time to read. At times, I had to put it down after just reading a page or two. But I'm thankful for it.

I was blessed with an older mentor to read this book along with me. I definitely recommend reading it that way if possible. She allowed me time to process and speak things I had kept hidden and silent for so long. It was beautiful and hard and ugly and healing.

In this book, Natalie talks a lot about how the Christian church and your Christian family and friends may abandon in you in your divorce. I'm so blessed to be able to say that was not the case for me. My church surrounded me. They gave me a place to live, food to eat, shoulders to cry on, and money for a lawyer. My friends and family were as heartbroken as I was, and they supported me fully. I know the support I experienced is all too rare.

I definitely don't agree with everything written in this book, but overall, I was blessed to learn that I am not alone in my experiences. It was cathartic to read about someone else's experience that so closely matched mine. And throughout the whole book, Natalie continues to point back to Jesus. Our worth comes from him. No amount of abuse, abandonment, and infidelity can take that away. I know this to be true. And I'm blessed with so many friends and family around to remind me of this truth when I question it.

"My life isn't what it was. It's not at all what I thought it would be, but it's going to be okay. God is here. He's been here and seen every single thing I tried. God has some secrets up his sleeve that he can't wait to show me. The future is finally exciting again. He's collected all my hot tears in a bottle from all those years, and he said it's going to be okay. I'm more than going to make it. And he's really liking the new me."

[Leslie Trovato · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have been divorced for almost 2 years from an emotionally abusive spouse and the only reason I found out about this book is because I was researching something and came across it. I didn’t expect to get much out of it because I’m on the other side, so to speak, but it actually ended up being instrumental, particularly the second half. I was blown away by how the author described the way my husband and church partnered together to further my abuse in the exact way and the exact order in which things happened. Her section toward the end listing “predictable steps” that abusive husbands take once you disrupt the status quo read like a literal playbook of my life two years ago. I was speechless as to how textbook it all went down. And my heart was greatly helped by the author’s explanation of the church’s perspective. It totally resonates with what happened to me when I was booted off leadership. The first half of the book gets into a lot of basics about God’s view of marriage and people. The author uses some Scripture and lots of short quotes and testimonials from women. She makes a decent, albeit perhaps unnuanced, case for WHY men and church leaders can be abusive (her theory of this being rooted in a “power-over” women philosophy where men feel entitled to control), though I think there can be other reasons and sicknesses, both in church and in the hearts of men. But overall this book is thorough and incredibly useful. I will be recommending it to anyone who is in a confusing marriage. It’s a great faith-based complement to Leslie Vernick’s The Emotionally Destructive Marriage, another must-read for women in this position.

[Natasha · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a well-written examination of the culture of misogyny that runs rampant in the conservative Christian church and other patriarchal groups. What is the result of misogynistic doctrine? Narcissistic, arrogant men who emotionally abuse their wives in a quest for whatever power they can grab.

This book teaches women in these abusive relationships that they are not alone. Their situation is unfortunately not uncommon. There is hope. It’s not a quick-fix guide for the troubled marriage. It is a self-help tool for the abuse victim who will learn to see herself in a new light.

[Ariadne Cares · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was in an abusive marriage for four years. During that time, I went to various counselors and support groups and read everything I could find on the subject of biblically-justified divorce for abuse, if there was such a thing. There was and is, and Natale Hoffman has written the most practical, insightful, and encouraging book on that subject that I've read.

Many of us in the community of Christian emotional abuse survivors have been helped by Leslie Vernick's The Emotionally destructive marriage, but Vernick is a counselor, not a survivor of an abusive marriage, and although her book is helpful, for me, Hoffman's book was much more helpful and cathartic, even after my divorce. The Emotionally Destructive Marriage is one of the many helpful resources that Hoffman lists in this book, however, and she's really done her homework: she does a tremendous job of supporting her arguments with solid biblical and other practical and authoritative sources. If you or anyone you know is in a toxic marriage, you've got to read this book. You'll be glad you did!

[Melissa · Rating 5 out of 5]

Read this along with a friend that is suffering emotional/verbal abuse. I found there was a good bit of information about how abusers work that I did not know & was so disheartened at the level of protection the abuser finds in many churches. A hard read, but very informative with real life application for both the victim as well as those that may have friends or family members needing support.

[Christine Faour · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book helped me to understand what has happened in my life. In order to move on, one has to understand where they have been.

[Brooke Marsh · Rating 5 out of 5]

If I could give this ten stars, I would. It was written just for me (and thousands of other women in similar situations). The book speaks to “good” Christian woman who stay with an emotionally, spiritually or mentally abusive husband because they want to be faithful to their vows or want to be nice or self-sacrificing, etc. It points out so many fallacies that make women put themselves and their children through that torture and pain. The author reminds us how very much God loves us and that he doesn’t want his daughters to live like that. There is so much more I could say. If you wonder and are confused about your marriage, get this book ASAP. If you are a counselor or therapist, you’ll want to read it too. It has changed my life.

[Aleassa Jarvis · Rating 4 out of 5]

Christian readers who feel like they are going crazy in the midst of emotional and spiritual abuse in their marriages will find this book validating and hopeful. Natalie Hoffman connects with abuse victims as a survivor herself, and walks them through the foggy confusion to clarity and empowerment. She includes dozens and dozens of personal quotes from women she has counseled or advocated for. She also offers empathy for the pain of re-traumatization that so many women have experienced at the hands of their faith communities upon disclosing and freeing themselves from abuse.

Particularly helpful in this book are the many resources listed at the end of each chapter.

[Heather · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is insightful and very eye-opening. It made many things make sense. It also has lots of practical advice.

It took me a long time to get through because it’s a lot to digest and process. I also did the companion workbook to help ensure I actually retained some of this important information.

My one complaint is in many places it reads like a sales pitch for the author’s online community, which required a subscription to participate in.

[Ela Meadows · Rating 5 out of 5]

I want to quote almost every sentence in this book to show how amazing it is. I believe everyone needs to read this book in order to understand the covert and subliminal abuse that adds up to the destruction of those we care about. One in three married women in the church experience this type of abuse. It's time we all (of all faiths or without religious affiliation) stood up and supported abuse victims who are brave enough to reach out for help.

On a personal note, it helped me finally realize why I felt progressively more uncomfortable and unsafe in my own home and understand the confusing collection of experiences where my opinion and needs were ignored. I've finally been able to put a name to my experience (abuse) and begin my journey of seeking help and healing.

[Lynette · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of the HARDEST books to read. So much of it validated my life of the past 12 years. Oh how I wish pastors and those in ministry would read this with an open mind and understand what so many women are encountering and what they truly want need them to understand. I've sadly experienced the dynamic of the church in 4 churches I've been to and sought help from. The one I'm in now is "helping" but doing so so much like what is depicted here. It caused me to get my hopes up and my guard down and all that I opened up with is being used against me.

READ IT ... even if this isn't you ... It may open your eyes up and help you hear from Jesus how you might be a help and blessing to those walking it and feeling alone, crazy, rejected and so much more.

[vicki santacruz · Rating 5 out of 5]

I am not alone!

I am just beside myself with this book! True eye opener! I believed it was me the whole time.... Praying for God to fix and change me, when in actuality I was not broken. Not in the sense I was believing. This book brought clarity and truth. More women need to know their value. God loves His daughters very much. To tell the man to LOVE us wives as Jesus loved the Church, to die for her, should speak volumes! Seek God, not man. Watch God Our Father come Alive in you and bring you a fresh anointing. God is our shild, Genesie15:1 The God of Abraham is my God! when god told Abraham "Do not fear,for I am your shield! I claim that daily!!

[Becca Conner · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’ve been trying to learn more about the subject of abuse and especially why it seems so tolerated in Christian circles. I’ve seen it happen so many times and have been puzzled for years.

Whoa, this book helped me. I would definitely recommend to anyone who breathes to read this book. Even if you aren’t in this sort of relationship, we can all learn so we can support and understand those we are.

Natalie is tough in her delivery and I absolutely loved it. No nonsense, no beating around the point. No flowering up something to make it less painful or ugly.

Read it people.

[Quanda · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is amazing!!!

I purchased this book based solely on the title. This book opened my eyes. I really felt this book was written for me and anyone who has faith, wants a clear faith based foundation for healing and understanding your broken relationship.

[Danna Dykema · Rating 3 out of 5]

I am glad that this book was written, but I don't agree with all of it. Abuse is much more common than we think. Women who are not secure in their identity in Christ and who get their identity from the people around them are easier to abuse. People test the waters to see how much they can get away with. We teach people how to treat us. In every relationship, when we are secure in our identity in Christ and secure that our purpose is to glorify God, then we can look at the people in our lives and help them when they have the wrong identity and wrong purpose. Prov 9:7 "Whoever reprove a scoffer gets himself abuse..." In these instances, we must care for the soul of the scoffer seeing them as God does. Sometimes, it is necessary to "leave the presence of a fool." (Prov. 14:7). This book made it seem the only way out is divorce. We also have an opportunity to be I Peter 3 wives. Every situation needs the guidance of God's Word and Godly people. The abused needs support no matter which route is taken, and the hope is that the abuser will repent and change their ways.

[Brianne Gardea · Rating 5 out of 5]

Incredibly Empowering and Full of Scripture

I’m in the thick of it with not just emotional abuse, but verbal abuse, addiction, and infidelity. I kept thinking that if I just prayed more, if I just kept forgiving the way Jesus forgave, if I was just more obedient, this would all be fixed. This marriage is my cross to bear to get in to heaven. I have to suffer to be more Christ like and earn my place. These scriptures and quotes and this beautifully written book have helped me realize that yes, Jesus calls us to forgive, but he also gave us a brain to not stand in a den of vipers and try to pet them and wonder why they keep biting us. It has not been an easy path to accept this. In fact, it took me years to read this book completely, but I am finally truly ready for Jesus’ love. There is no doubt on the path he wants me to take. I am filled with his love. Thank you so very much for helping me see my worth through scripture! May God help you see what a huge impact you’ve had on so many women. He has given you such a gift!

[Denise · Rating 3 out of 5]

While I liked this book and could relate to much of it, I would not recommend someone reading it who is in a marriage that is crazy emotional and beyond difficult at the moment. Divorce is still not to be taken lightly. Try everything. Only after much prayer and exhausting all solutions on your part should the word even be tossed around. I don't think people try hard enough nowadays to keep their marriage together. It shouldn't be the first option we look at. And we should never let anger or bitterness get a foothold. Even years after divorcing the author seems to have some unforgiveness in her heart to deal with. I get it though. I think so much of our problems to begin with is being unequally yoked. Don't do it! Wait for God's best for you! That is another thing that should be covered in prayer. It's good to know that God is still with us in our trials and brings us out the other side with experience and knowledge that was worth it all.

[Julie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Freeing!

This book helped me not feel crazy! It opened my eyes to the way abusers control and manipulate with things other than physical violence like neglect, lies and deception, passive-aggressiveness, and many other emotional and psychological tactics. Thank you for validating my inner knowing that my marriage is over. Not because I’m calling it quits, but because he was never in it to begin with.

[Katie Callen · Rating 5 out of 5]

My divorce didn’t destroy my marriage, rather It just announced that it was already destroyed to my whole world.

Would suggest this book for anyone male or female who is in an abusive relationship and struggling with the lie that as a Christian it’s your duty to stay.

Also, a suggested read if you have a loved one in or trying to survive the few years after leaving abuse. (Specifically chapters4-6)

[Erin · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5⭐️ rounded up

This book is best suited for women who are involved in conservative christian circles and who are suffering (or suspect they may be) from emotional abuse in their marriage.

The author shares a lot of helpful information throughout the book and I do think it could be a valuable resource for many women. She does overgeneralize at times and because of this, some of the things she says may be inapplicable for some readers.

[Piper · Rating 1 out of 5]

Couldn’t finish this one. I would never recommend this book to a Christian woman who is being emotionally abused in her marriage. The author’s bitterness is everywhere and there seems to be no grace-oriented solution to the abuse. I’m sure there are better books and better counselors to help in a time of need; especially a pastor or elder who knows the couple best and can bring godly discipline to a situation. Stay away from this one.

[Heidi Foster · Rating 5 out of 5]

A book to help you begin to understand how it is possible to love God and still feel like marriage hurts. It at least feels like you are not alone and not crazy which is a blessing in itself. I don't think it offers many solutions other than that it takes time. God loves us each completely. He is our satisfaction. He is the only answer, no matter the question.

[Beth Browning · Rating 1 out of 5]

I don’t think I suggest the this book. I did start it and got to chapter two. Many of the things did sound like my marriage, but I feel strongly that the author will suggest divorce is the only answer and I don’t want that spoken into my life. If you are a Christian looking for Godly advice, this isn’t the book.

[Kate Gerrick · Rating 4 out of 5]

A must read for all believers of complementarianism and the destruction it can cause if men are not held accountable for their calling from God.

I would have given 5 stars if she included the other way out besides (or along with) divorce - which is the church holding the husband accountable for his sin.

[Bridget · Rating 5 out of 5]

I wasn't going to post a review for this book, because this is such a sensitive and personal subject. But I want more people to know about this amazing resource. I can't speak highly enough of the validation and hope that this book offers women who feel trapped in a destructive relationship.

[Nekiesha Lynn · Rating 5 out of 5]

Amazing!

Clear. Practical. Hopeful. Anyone who has ever questioned “things in their marriage” this is a eye opener! Love the butterfly analogy and the many “steps” and “paths” that were laid out.

[Moriah Erickson · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’ve never felt so understood and seen for the reality I’ve found myself in. If you grew up in a conservative Christian background, and find yourself in a confusing marriage, this is the book for you. Highly recommend!!

[Katie · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book greatly increased my compassion for women in emotionally abusive relationships. It also started some good conversations with my husband, and we are revisiting what we believe about our roles in our relationship.