A Practical Guide to Evil V

A Practical Guide to Evil #5

by ErraticErrata

Genres: Fantasy, LGBT, Fiction, Found Family, Adventure

1655 pages, ebook

First published January 14, 2019

Reviews

[ErinFlight · Rating 5 out of 5]

This webnovel is absolutely exceptional.

I'm rating the most recent book, because I think the quality increases dramatically as the story continues (though the beginning was still fun).

But, man, this story is one of those stories that burrows into my brain and makes a space for itself and then just, sticks around, permanently.

There's so much I want to compliment here, and so little I want to spoil.

But, usually, when I enjoy a book, I enjoy it because an author got something right. Good characters, a compelling plot, deep worldbuilding, hilarious interludes, emotional resolution.

This webnovel does all of them.
The cast is huge and complex and vibrant. Every character feels like they could be a real person except real people usually aren't this interesting.

The worldbuilding is deep and novel. I've read novels set in a lot of fantasy world before. This is the first one that's ever explained the lack of an industrial revolution.
This story has drow and dwarves and orcs and bards and they all feel like unsolved mysteries. This story takes old tropes and remakes them and its delightful.

The plot is just, amazing. The build up of tension is great, the story often has me on the edge of my seat. The escalation, the gradual increase in scale, feels natural. Subplots resolve beautifully without taking away from the overall power of the story. Everything ties together. But there are also quiet moments, pieces of backstory and moments where characters are just spending time together, that help offset the dramatic scenes and give the reader a chance to breathe.

This series also has some of my favorite villains of all time.

I will mention that I do think the start of this story is relatively weak compared to where it goes later (though still enjoyable) so I'd suggest people give it until at least the exploding goats before they decide they don't like it. At the start it's not obvious how unusual this story is going to be, and it feels like it might just end up being another cliche adventure. I promise you, it's not.

[Simone · Rating 2 out of 5]

DNF with like, 4 chapters to go. Couldn't bring myself to care about finishing after it started getting way too bogged down in monologueing thought processes and explaining politicking. The only good bits anymore were the interlude chapters with other character's POV. Started out interesting but I reckon you can skip after "book" 3.

[Jeroen · Rating 3 out of 5]

Veel te lang. Eerste helft was nice, tweede niet.

[Cali · Rating 5 out of 5]

Amazing as usual, though a good chunk of the last few chapters were a bit difficult to get through due to slow politics and lack of action. This book could easily be split into at least three given the number of separate story arcs and sheer length.

Quotes: (mild spoilers)

Though Gods only know how they got a loan from the dwarves.”
“Given Catherine’s continued absence, I imagine an amount of brutal murder was involved,” the Empress drily said.

“My son, I offer you the greatest gift a ruler can give another: a widely reviled predecessor.”

“Good morning,” I smiled brightly. “I thought we might have a little chat, just you and me and all these heavily armed people surrounding you.”

By Morning Bell we could see Sarcella.
It was hard to miss it, what with the way it was on fire.

Godsdamnit, somehow she’d still ended up stuck in charge.
Legate – no, General now, because clearly someone Above was out to get her

Might be time to consider getting ‘accidentally’ pregnant.

“Tribune Krolem,” she whispered. “I need you to looking into something.”
The orc leaned forward eagerly.
“Find out who you can lodge a protest to, if the Queen of Callow steals your wine,” General Abigail said.

General Abigail began to spit over the edge, before remembering once more that I was there and hastily stopping. I politely pretended not to notice the choke and coughing fit that ensued.

Nothing had ever excited my anger quite like being told I had no right to it.

“You know, one is understandable,” I said. “Happens to the best of us. But two? That’s just careless, Hakram. It’s not like you have any more spares.”
“I suppose my clapping days are over,” Adjutant thoughtfully replied. “And I never did take to the theatre.”
There was a pause.
“You made the same damned joke the last time you lost a hand, didn’t you?” I sighed.
“It’s funnier this time,” he told me. “You know, because I’m running out of hands to lose.”

“The high priestess,” he repeated. “Of drow religion. A religion of drow. Presumably for drow. Which, unless I am mistaken, you are not.”

“Cat, did you pull a knife on goddesses?” Adjutant sighed.
“Of course not,” I replied, offended and technically even saying the truth.
The orc stared at me, saying nothing.
“We have an understanding,” I said, a tad defensively. “You wouldn’t understand, you’re not religious.”
“I’m not going to touch that without a bottle on the table and half a day to waste,” Hakram muttered.

“Well,” I finally said. “This is going to get a little tricky.”
“This is going to get a little tricky,” Indrani cheerfully repeated. “Now there‘s the title of your memoirs, Cat.”
“I’ve always been partial to ‘it got worse’,” Hakram offered, the filthy traitor.
“Murder ensued,” Akua tastefully suggested.
I glared but she just stared back at me, all smirking and insolence.
“You’re all useless,” I complained.
“Hakram’s memoirs,” Indrani grinned.

“You know, since I’m leaving-” Archer began.
Diabolist sighed.
“Fine,” she conceded. “Look your fill.”
Indrani’s brow rose in surprise, then she grinned eagerly. Did I even want to know? A heartbeat passed, and Akua did not move.
“You’re still wearing clothes,” Archer pointed out, sounding a little cheated.
“According to certain interpretations of Trismegistan theory, I am in fact naked at all times,” the shade drily replied.
“Praesi treachery,” Indrani cursed.

I’d ignored the implied offer to step down from her generalship and resume her legate duties, as I had the last five times she’d indirectly broached the subject.

“Your Majesty?”
“It’s always badgers, you know,” I complained. “It never goes a little badly, its’s always ‘oh no, there’s goblinfire burning the city’ or ‘oh no, the Praesi summoned a bunch of devils again’ or even ‘oh no, half the continent thinks a crusade would be just the thing’. Would it really be too much to ask for a mishap instead of a catastrophe once in a while? Like, ‘oh no, we’re out of the good wine, but that’s fine we’ve got this pretty decent bottle instead we’ll just drink that’.”
There was a long moment of silence in the pavilion.
“So, double watch and not single,” Marshal Juniper said, sounding vaguely embarrassed of me.

“How kind of our friend Tariq to be willing to talk,” I said, tone gone sardonic. “Why, he might even be willing to consider peace as a personal favour to us. Entirely unrelated to the fact that he’s currently losing, no doubt. It will be our privilege, nay, our blessing to be allowed to make a truce with the side of the Heavens.”
“Manifold thanks to the Gods Above,” Vivienne agreed without missing a beat. “Who have ever protected and preserved us, praise be. We may have to raise a new cathedral in Laure as an expression of our gratitude.”
“I take it,” Marshal Grem said, “that you are less than fond of this hero.”
“Well, he’s only tried to kill me twice so far,” I mused. “So I guess that still puts him somewhere between Saint and Malicia, relationship-wise.”

“You don’t intend to participate?” Marshal Grem asked.
“The skeleton I’ll leave to the two of you,” I shrugged. “I need to see some birds about something, and if that doesn’t work I’ll have to beat Larat until answers come out. Might take a while, it’s mostly lies and arrogance in there.”
“Understood,” One-Eye said, apparently unruffled.
Merciless Gods, what kind of insanity had my father put this one through that he wouldn’t even blink at that? I shot him an assessing look, but let it go for now.

“The birds,” she said. “From underground?”
“Those are the ones,” I agreed. “They’re perfectly safe.”
Vivienne’s brow rose.
“Probably safe,” I corrected.
The brow stayed up.
“To me,” I specified.
“I shall stay and provide a political perspective to these unfolding campaign plans,” Vivienne Dartwick serenely said.

“This is unusual,” Andronike said.
I felt it too, even as the ink-black gate opened before me. Eyes, unfathomably large, gazing at me. The surface of the gate was like liquid obsidian, though without a single ripple, and I hesitated. I held back, leaning on my staff.
“Thoughts?” I said.
“Try a foot first,” Komena drolly suggested.
“Oh, we think we’re funny now do we?” I muttered. “Mark my words, that one’s going into the holy book.”

“And so the First Under the Night came across a portal where great danger might lurk, and upon witnessing it halted and sought the council of Sve Noc. ‘O Night,’ said the First, ‘what wisdom do you offer?’ And so the Young Night answered thus: ‘Try a foot first.'”
– Extract from the ‘Parables of the Lost and Found’, disputed Firstborn religious text

I spoke the word ‘unconscious’ with a heavy wink, because what was a little borderline necromancy between ‘friends’?

In this case, though, the needle was a top-notch Named mage and the haystack was both hostile and on fire.

“How, then,” Prince Otto patiently said, “has our situation improved since morn?”
“I would think that obvious, Reitzenberg,” Prince Frederic said, and elegantly flicked his wrist upwards.
“I see nothing,” Otto admitted.
“The sun has finally deigned to arrive, my friend,” Prince Frederic cheerfully said. “We will, at least, perish slightly thawed.”
A convulsive chuckle tore free of Otto’s throat before he could help himself.

I’d been rather impressed there were still any optimists left in my armies. You’d think they would have gotten themselves killed by now, just by dint of odds.

“At least there’s not a permanent gate into Arcadia in the middle of Procer,” Vivienne said. “Somehow I doubt Hasenbach would be too pleased about that.”
“Wasn’t us,” I replied out of reflex. “And if it was you can’t prove it, so in a philosophical sense it isn’t.”
There was a moment of embarrassed silence as the other two women looked at me. I grimaced.
“Well,” I spoke into the quiet, a tad defensive. “Given our history, I might as well start practicing the official response early.”
“Inadequate,” Akua said.
“Sloppy,” Vivienne said, almost simultaneously.

“Only cowards make it to fifteen, but I just can’t seem to croak. I’ve had to make my peace with the fundamental truth of this world, Cat: I am simply too good to die.”
I smothered my grin, the earlier regret chased away as quickly as it’d come.
“A heavy burden to bear,” I solemnly agreed. “I know it well.”
He eyed me rather skeptically.
“Didn’t you die that one time?” he asked.
“I think I’m on three now,” I muttered. “It’s not one of my better habits.”
He snickered.

“I can leave, Boss,” Robber quietly offered.
“Don’t,” I said, chewing on my pipe. “We’re going to play a game, you and I.”
“Ominous,” the goblin praised.

“‘As I would not have such a dear and noble friend without a mount, I offer you this purebred Liessen charger to ride into battle instead. May he serve you well.'”
Adjutant looked at me oddly.
“We don’t have any purebreds,” he told me. “They’re too costly to field. The Order uses mostly halfbloods and Vale breeds.”
“I’m aware,” I said. “I need you to find the shoddiest, sickliest goat we have and paint it white. Not well, though, just kind of half-heartedly. Try to make it a female one if you can. Send it along with my letter, when the time comes.”
The orc cleared his throat a little too quickly for me to buy him looking at me this disapprovingly.

General – despite her best efforts – Abigail of Summerholm idly wondered if you got a worse penalty for deserting when you were a general.

“Why did we pass munitions to Special Tribune Robber?” she clarified.
“You don’t need to test me, ma’am,” Krolem reproached. “Your signature was on the forms, the general staff is aware you planned some contingencies – just not what they are.”
Oh Gods, Abigail thought, realizing that the Black Queen’s favourite goblin assassin had forged her authorization for something involving munitions and she had absolutely no idea what. O Gods, Abigail silently repeated, turning to prayer in her hour of need, I know I’m in the service of a villain but isn’t this still a little much?

“This,” the Kairos Theodosian mused, “appears to be a goat.”
Hakram kept a calm look on his face, remaining as dignified as an orc could be while hanging upside down tied by the feet.

“Your ignorance is understandable, my lord Tyrant, given the recent isolation of Callow,” Hakram said. “This is not a goat: he is, in fact, a purebred Liessen charger.”
Stares moved to the goat, which bleated fearfully at the sudden spurt of attention and ran under the table – she smeared white paint all over the robes of the Stygian magister before being chased away with a kick, which Adjutant silently approved of.
“She has udders,” Basileus Leo patiently said. “Goat udders. Because she is a goat.”

“Your mistress, I fear, intends to betray me most immediately,” the Tyrant said, not entirely succeeding at hiding his tone of deep approval.
“That does not seem like her at all,” Hakram lied.

“Might I inquire as to our purpose, then?” Hakram politely asked.
“It would be a terrible blunder to feed a spy my most secret schemes,��� Lord Kairos chided him. “Do you expect me, Deadhand, to immediately unveil my every furtive advance merely because you showed a modicum of polite interest?”
A moment passed.
“Yes,” Adjutant replied.
“Is this what loves feels like?” the Tyrant mused.

“Deadhand?” Rozala croaked, her mouth cottony and vision swimming. “You’ve captured me?”
She forced herself to concentrate, and after squinting for a moment saw through the gloom.
“Not exactly,” the Adjutant ruefully replied, just as she realized the orc was hanging upside down a mere foot to the left.

The Tyrant of Helike, never one to let an occasion to be a shit pass him by, enthusiastically clapped at the end of her tirade and called for an encore.

“I like him,” Kairos mused. “He’s got that, what do you call it?”
“Cold-blooded ruthlessness,” I said.
“No, that’s not it. Ah, a knife,” the Tyrant of Helike said. “He’s got a knife.”

I’d laid down to die, once and the world had refused to take me.
There would be no takebacks.

“A known weakness?” the Grey Pilgrim conversationally asked.
“Not ice, I’ll tell you that much,” I muttered. “Or stabbing.”

I stayed there on the ground, hilariously unarmored and basically just asking to get killed.

The Grey Pilgrim’s glance at me was openly amused, which was when I was forced to acknowledge I’d just quoted scripture at a man who rubbed elbows with angels. Ah. Awkward.

And where do you intend to acquire such an army?”
“One was helpfully provided,” I murmured, looking down at below. “Yet I need someone to be nuisance, if you will. Just horribly inconvenient in every way.”
“At last, my day has come,” Kairos Theodosian gravely said.

“It’s not what you think, Catherine,” the Tyrant called out. “I swear. I didn’t betray you to the Dead King again. Why, I’d never.”
There was a beat.
“I betrayed you to someone else entirely,” Kairos Theodosian proudly announced.

Not every kind of love involves bedplay or poetry, Uncle Amadeus had told him. You can crave closeness with someone without craving them in other ways. Sometimes it just… fits. The intensity of it can be misleading, but you will learn.

Archer, sighing, slid behind me and to my indignation she covered my mouth with her palm and put me in a chokehold. I began struggling, but she was Named and I was not: the disparity in strength could not be breached my mundane means.
“Is that… necessary?” the Rogue Sorcerer delicately asked.
“If you feel like you’re winning,” Indrani said, “the single stupidest thing you can do is let Catherine Foundling talk. Go on, Tariq. Before she turns it around on us.”

That Catherine has charmed ancient horrors into some manner of patronage I’ve no trouble believing – Merciful Heavens, it wouldn’t even be the first time.

She leaned closer still, and for a heartbeat he believed she might kiss him. Instead he swallowed a gasp when he felt a knife slide into his lower belly. He’d not even seen her draw. Still studying him, the Lady of Tartessos nodded approvingly.
“You didn’t scream,” she said, sounding proud. “Good. You may consider this the formal beginning of our courtship.”
“Well,” Razin croaked, “you’ve certainly made an impression.”

Abigail of Summerholm – still a general, despite her best efforts – had finally figured it out. As the Gods despised her for reasons known only to them, her attempts at mild incompetence had instead been reward with successes that’d earned her a reputation as a ‘tactical prodigy’.

You could tell how long they’d been out of the homeland by the way they talked, since those fresh out of the Clans hadn’t usually yet figured out that a big orc speaking loud and harshly in a hard-to-understand accent tended to make humans a mite twitchy.

Huh. She’d not expected that to work. Did praying to people actually change things? She’d heard that there was talk about making the odd offering to the Crows these days, which she didn’t entirely disapprove of. The Gods Above asked for a lot, birds were probably much easier to bribe as far as deities went.

She’d been mulling over arguing that ‘all Procerans should be eaten, especially the children’. If she said that in front of enough people it’d have to be bad enough she was encouraged to retire, right?

“Right,” I got out around the pipe’s lip, “you all seem to be very concerned about something and I don’t want to, uh, diminish that. But I also don’t speak Lunara, so we’re at a bit of an impasse.”

Our journey here through Twilight Throneless had been somewhat less than graceful, though I’d been rather amused by the fact that the first set of stairs we’d encountered on our way out of Liesse had probably come closer to killing either of us that night than Kairos.

“Figured they’d be a little happier to see you, Tariq, I’m not gonna lie,” I mused. “Would you care to translate?”
The old man cocked his head to the side.
“To put it delicately,” the Peregrine said, “questions are being raised as to the authenticity of my person.”
“Oh?” I mouthed back, grinning nastily around my pipe. “Did someone call you an undead abomination yet? That’s always been one my favourites.”
“You’re enjoying this a great deal more than you should,” the Grey Pilgrim muttered.
“Someone else being called that?” I murmured. “Never. That would be highly petty of me, after all.”
A heartbeat passed.
“Maybe they’ll name you Arch-heretic of the West,” I suggested. “Wouldn’t that be something?”

“Well, I’ll be damned,” I said.
“Again,” Hakram helpfully contributed.
I would have gestured obscenely at him, were my hands not full. Truly, my Adjutant’s wiles were without match.

“Larat, you magnificent bastard,” I murmured. “Good on you.”
I raised the flask of tonic-flavoured Dormer pale towards the sky in a toast.
“May you forever be someone else’s problem,” I said.

Reaching high shelves is her only weakness, as it happens,” Robber drawled.
“Really,” I flatly said. “The goblin is going to make height jokes.”
“I am a veritable titan, by my people’s standards,” the Special Tribune shamelessly lied.
“I’ve seen piles of apples taller than you,” I scathingly replied.
“Ah,” Robber replied without missing a beat, “but did you see over them?”
That cut a little too close to home so I replied with a gesture more than mildly obscene.

I gasped.
“Are you making fun of the state of my immortal soul, you perfidious heretic?” I said.
“I suppose I must be a heretic indeed, if the Arch-heretic of the East deems me so,” he mused.

“Glad to see we’re all friends now,” I said, perfectly willing to keep repeating the sentence louder and louder until objections died out.

Robber, I’d let loose to skulk with for sole instruction not to start a diplomatic incident that wasn’t fairly deniable.

“I am told that most of your closest companions fought you at some point or another.”
Well, not that many. Indrani had introduced herself by ambushing me, I conceded. Vivienne too. Juniper and I hadn’t exactly begun as bosom friends, and there was a reason that I’d ripped Akua’s heart out of her chest. Shit. Hakram had always been a delight, though! And Robber had mostly been other people’s problem, which by goblin standards was positively saintly. I forcefully refrained from thinking too much about how the Everdark had turned out for all involved.
“Oh Gods,” I muttered. “I genuinely can’t argue with that.”
If I’d lost that argument in my own head, I somehow doubted it’d go my way spoken aloud. The hero softly chuckled.

“Didn’t she try to have you taken from the Pilgrim and decapitated?” I asked.
“As I said,” he smiled, “a thoroughly competent woman.”

Hanno was not certain what was more surreally amusing: that the most prominent villain of their age was expressing sincere worry for his well-being, in her own rough way, or that the First Prince of Procer was seemingly unable to decide what part of this she found the most appalling. 

Their deeds were many and renowned, and their reputations were such as to make men shiver in the dark of night. They’d also used a godsdamned bathtub as the vessel of water for their scrying ritual.

He opened his report by passing a dry comment on my ‘dragging yet another army home’. Like it was a bad thing, the wretch.

“I have idea,” the Valiant Champion said.
“You can’t keep getting eaten by creatures to kill them from the inside,” the White Knight sternly replied.
Hanno honestly suspected that the acid in this one’s stomach was the result of Dead King’s rising irritation at how successful Rafaella had found that tactic to be.

The moment the little shit had sniffed out how abhorrent she found him, he’d insisted their bargaining be done only between rulers.

“And the dreaded Black Queen has been tamed and added to our ranks. There is reason to rejoice.”
Young Catherine replied with what he believed to be fairly obscene language in Kharsum, to Hanno’s apparent amusement.

“If parading us all before the crowd puts some spine back in Procer, I’ll even smile and say pretty things.”
“Your generosity is remarkable,” Tariq said, only half teasing.

[Bill Zhang · Rating 5 out of 5]

I had my doubts at the start of book 5's arc, but the geopolitical intrigue more than satisfied every desire I could have had in a book. +1 to the list of favorites!

Meta-statistic found on reddit: at 487 thousand words, this book brings overall PGtE to 1.84 million words!

[Bender · Rating 5 out of 5]

Before you dive into the review, I want to highlight two points:
1. This is the series that I have rated the highest for the blog till date, and
2. This is a free web novel. There are no eBooks available for purchase far as I know.

Now with that done, here’s my super glowing review of one of the best epic fantasies that I’ve read till date.

https://fanfiaddict.com/review-a-prac...

It's spectacular and highly recommended.

[Valerie · Rating 5 out of 5]

It's been a bit since I've read this one, but it still sticks with me. Possibly my favorite book in the whole Guide, if for no other reason than the spectacular villains. But that is far, far from the only aspect of Book V that will captivate the interest and keep the chapters blending together into long sessions of reading well into the night

[Martin Gruber · Rating 5 out of 5]

10/10, just superb.

I can only say that I am glad to be alive and being able to read this story. There is not a single thing to dislike about part 5 and I am curious about the finale in part 6 and 7.

[kikiloo · Rating 5 out of 5]

4.25 / 5

Some incredible moments of Catherine plotting and triumphing here, which really serve to highlight just how far she's come and developed as a character. Would've loved to see more of the Woe, but another great and engaging entry overall.

[Ashley Kempkes · Rating 5 out of 5]

Giving it five stars just for Akra's line of, you have crafted a "poison so sweet I will crave the taste."

[RealF0x · Rating 5 out of 5]

refer to Book 1 of the series for My review of the series

[solixr · Rating 4 out of 5]

I think this is the one with the drow? An unexpected conclusion to a slightly dragged out arc. It was interesting to see more of Calernia's great powers.

[Thomas Wharrier · Rating 1 out of 5]

Most mid book ever, 1 star wasted my time
-Jose

[Morgan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Best one yet, I think.

[Harris · Rating 5 out of 5]

genuinely one of the top 5 things ive ever read

[William Moses Jr. · Rating 5 out of 5]

Yet again another great addition to the series. Interestingly, the pace of the book seemed quite different from the previous entries. Where before I expected escalation and resolve at the 35% mark and yet again at the end, this book was quite different with escalation, escalation, and more escalation up to the 50% mark and then the next half of the book steeped in the consequences of those actions. There was still an interesting climax at the end but this book certainly felt different from the ones that came before it.

[Chris · Rating 4 out of 5]

It took five books, but this one stays strong from start to finish, rather than stalling in the second half with bloated battles and whatnot. It's so nice for Cat to be less invincibly godlike; no more ridiculous combat scenes as seen in the fourth book. Lots of excellent scheming and narrative wrangling on Cat's part, plus a pile of fun characters on all sides. The prose has improved over the course of the books, although it still can be redundant and still largely functional rather than painstakingly crafted.