Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief

by David Kessler

'A brilliant, caring, practical guide to help us understand grief' Daniel J Siegel, M.D.'Finding Meaning is Kessler’s poignant response to society’s insensitivity, [a] how-to in the very best sense' LA TimesDavid Kessler – the world's foremost expert on grief and the coauthor with Elisabeth Kübler-Ross of the iconic On Grief and Grieving – journeys beyond the classic five stages to discover a sixth meaning.David has spent decades teaching about end of life, trauma and grief. And yet his life was upended by the sudden death of his twenty-one-year-old son. How does the grief expert handle such a devastating loss?In Finding Meaning, Kessler shares his hard-earned wisdom and offers a roadmap to remembering those who have died with more love than pain, how to move forward in a way that honours our loved ones and ultimately transform grief into a more peaceful and hopeful experience.An inspiring must-read for anyone struggling to figure out how to live after loss.

Genres: Grief, Nonfiction, Psychology, Self Help, Death, Mental Health, Personal Development

272 pages, Paperback

First published November 5, 2019

About the author

David Kessler David Kessler is the world’s foremost expert on grief. His experience with thousands of people on the edge of life and death has taught him the secrets to living a fulfilled life, even after life’s tragedies. His new book is Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief. He coauthored On Grief and Grieving and Life Lessons with Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and You Can Heal Your Heart: Finding Peace After a Breakup, Divorce or Death with Louise Hay. He is the author of Visions, Trips, and Crowded Rooms, and The Needs of the Dying, praised by Mother Teresa.

David’s work has been featured in the New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Business Week, and Life Magazine, and on CNN, Fox, NBC, PBS, and CBS. David has served on the Red Cross Aviation Disaster Team and has volunteed for decades as a Los Angeles Police Department Specialist Reserve Officer. He lectures for physicians, nurses, counselors, police, and first responders and leads talks and retreats for those dealing with grief.

Reviews

[Robyn · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5? There is some really good stuff in here but I just can't say it's particularly well-written. Quite a few typos as well which was surprising. Maybe a bit of a publication rush.

On Grief and Grieving (the 5 stages book that DK co-authored) was really formative for me and this is sort of supposed to be "the sequel". I have noticed in my own life how important meaning is, as a later stage of grief. I couldn't quite connect how all the different parts of the book related back to meaning, though, and some kind of seemed to be a bit of a rehashing of OG&G (though I haven't read that one for around 5 years so could be wrong). Also a lot of celebrity name-dropping, as Kessler has worked with a lot of high profile people in his career. I get that it was supposed to show that "celebrities are just like us and grieve too" but it felt a bit over-the-top.

Overall good food for thought, would take care re: who I'd recommend it to. The last chapter about losing his son was very powerful, and the chapter about complicated relationships was very good - wish it was published online as a standalone article because it would probably help a lot of people who won't take the time to dig through this whole book to get to it.

[Clif Hostetler · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book explores paths toward healing for people overwhelmed by grief. Though the cause of grief is often death of a loved one, it can also be the result of divorce, betrayal, or end of a career.

As inferred by this book’s subtitle, the whole world knows about the five stages of grief.

In case you forgot, here are the five stages of grief:
Denial: shock and disbelief that the loss has occurred
Anger: that someone we love is no longer here
Bargaining: all the what-ifs and regrets
Depression: sadness for the loss
Acceptance: acknowledging the reality of the loss

This author has worked together with Kübler Ross since 1969, and in 2004 he coauthored “On Grief and Grieving” with her. If a sixth stage needs to be added, Kessler is in the best position to do so. One of the reasons he was motivated to write this book is the death of his 21-year-old son. In a sense, writing this book is his way of finding meaning in that loss.

“Ultimately, meaning comes through finding a way to sustain your love for the person after their death while you’re moving forward with your life. That doesn’t mean you’ll stop missing the one you loved, but it does mean that you will experience a heightened awareness of how precious life is. … In that way we do the best honor to those whose deaths we grieve. … Loss is simply what happens to you in life. Meaning is what you make happen. (p16)”

In this book Kessler shares a variety of stories from people he has encountered leading numerous grieving workshops and providing counseling services for private clients dealing with issues related to grief. Many of these stories are emotionally moving about the ways some people have dealt with loss.

These stories can perhaps suggest guidance to readers in similar circumstances, but a few of these stories include amazing coincidences of fate resulting from a loss which make for interesting reading but not likely to be applicable in other cases. Kessler adds to these stories by sharing experiences related to the loss of his son.

Early in the book, in the Introduction, the author provides the following thoughts that may guide the reader in the understanding of meaning.

1. Meaning is relative and personal

2. Meaning takes time. You may not find it until months or even years after loss.

3. Meaning doesn’t require understanding. It’s not necessary to understand why someone died in order to find meaning.

4. Even when you do find meaning, you won’t feel it was worth the cost of what you lost.

5. Your loss is not a test, a lesson something to handle, a gift, or a blessing. Loss is simply what happens to you in life. Meaning is what you make happen.

6. Only you can find your own meaning.

7. Meaningful connections will heal painful memories. (p16)

Earlier in the book Kessler mentions that the “five stages were never intended to be prescriptive.” This is also true for finding meaning. Some people suffering from grief will not want to think about meaning, and will resent expectations to find it in their grief.

Sometimes people say they don’t want to find meaning in their loss. They just want to call a tragedy a tragedy. To find meaning in it would be to sugarcoat it and they don’t want to do that. I think they are afraid that if they let go of the pain, they will lose the connection to their loved one, so I remind them that the pain is theirs and no one can take it away. But if they can find a way to release the pain through meaning, they will still have a deep connection to their child—through love. Just like a broken bone that becomes stronger as it heals, so will their love. (p183)

[BookNightOwl · Rating 5 out of 5]

What a great read. I loved how he broke down everything and anything people go through. The many reasons on why we deal with grief. What an inspiring read.

[Natalie Aguirre · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a great book to help you find meaning in life after the loss for someone you love. I have been struggling with this since I lost my husband, and I am starting to look at how I go on in life in a different way since reading this book. There are specific chapters on losing a child, losing someone to suicide, and losing someone to a drug overdose that may be helpful to people in this situation. Really recommend this book.

[Joanne Mcleod · Rating 5 out of 5]

In being a physician and having spent a lot of time dedicated to Oncology and Palliative care, I have been very aware of and read some of Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross writings on death and dying, as well as the five stages of grief. But for some reason I only became aware of David Kessler in reading his book, “Finding Meaning”. I always felt there was something missing in dealing with grief, especially at a personal level. I found the missing link in David’s writing about the sixth stage of grief, finding meaning.
It is in finding purpose and meaning that helped me, and continues to help me, through the profound grief after the death of my partner and soulmate, Carolyn a decade ago. David’s writings affirmed how I was able to get through the darkest periods of grief, some of them even before she died of cancer. It was in seeing and sharing in the meaning and purpose of her life, contributing to my life’s meaning and purpose, that after her death Carolyn’s love and legacy could continue to live on through me in relationship to others.
I feel this quote summarizes the wisdom that David Kessler so abundantly shared in this book:

“We often believe that grief will grow smaller in time. It doesn’t. We must grow larger. We must be the architects of our lives after loss.”

Finding meaning in the life (and even death) of the person lost to us, as well as in our on life with and without them, forms the building blocks to architect and build our lives through grief.

[Kent Winward · Rating 3 out of 5]

The book contains a good amount of information on dealing with grief. Not a lot of philosophical depth and I got a bit sick of the name dropping, but overall helpful in looking at how we handle grief and the addition of meaning as an additional stage makes a lot of sense.

[Jill Wolfe · Rating 5 out of 5]

Helped me find hope, then heal

I read this book in the hopes that I might find some wisdom in the unexpected loss of my vision. It helped me first acknowledge the pain & hold it loosely so that I could really see it for what it was. Then like a small lamp turned on in a dark room, I started to see things differently. Perhaps the single most important takeaway from the book, for me, was the question that came at the end, “Who would I be if I grew and changed because of this loss?” Not everybody is at a point to be ready to answer this question, but for me, it was a powerful way to start to move forward.

[Nursebookie · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was an amazing read I loved!

[Cathy Cheshire · Rating 5 out of 5]

Heartfelt Hope and Loving Inspiration

I wish there were more books like this where grief education is enveloped in hope about the possibility to fully live when we are ready, especially after feeling despair wants to keep us lost in darkness. Although every grief journey is different, I believe the genuine sharing of grief experience and how we can go on as David lovingly expresses, can inspire so many to find their own way after loss. We can feel less alone and an easing of the terror that every second our heartache will always feel the worst. I so much agree with what he says about not having to be destined for eternal pain or controlled by our despair. Our spirit doesn’t have to die when a loved one does. David reminded me of the power I have to tend to my thoughts and well-being so I can feel connection with the love I share whether it’s with someone I cherish in physical form or not. The meaning I made from the death of my loved ones is that being with them again someday in spirit is my eternal life, and how I embrace the experience of love and adventure in this limited human life is in my power to be wonderful. A greatest lesson I have learned about love is how it feels when someone is there for you at the worst of times. I am grateful to have had this book to read on this Thanksgiving. It made me feel alive.

[denudatio_pulpae · Rating 3 out of 5]

„Przez lata wielokrotnie stykałem się z pytaniem o to, jaka śmierć jest najgorsza. Niezmiennie odpowiadam na nie tak samo. Najgorszym rodzajem straty jest ta twoja”.

W poszukiwaniu sensu.

David Kessler zawodowo zajmuje się pomaganiem ludziom w żałobie. Sam musiał zmierzyć się z bardzo trudną sytuacją, jaką była śmierć jego syna, więc można powiedzieć, że wie o czym pisze i mówi. Czy książka „Szósty etap żałoby” była dla mnie pomocna i wartościowa?

Jak już sugeruje tytuł, książka dotyczy głównie końcowego etapu żałoby – poszukiwania sensu i układania życia na nowo, bez utraconej osoby. Dla ludzi, który znajdują się na jej wcześniejszych etapach, może być zbyt nachalnie „optymistyczna”, chociaż ja jej aż tak źle nie odebrałam. Każdy przechodzi ten trudny czas na swój sposób, co było w książce wielokrotnie podkreślone.

Nie do wszystkich teorii Kesslera jestem przekonana, ale muszę przyznać, że książka dała mi trochę do myślenia.
6/10

[Tiffany Rose · Rating 5 out of 5]

Finding Meaning is about finding meaning in the loss of a loved one, but I feel it can be used for any type of great loss that effects us greatly that we grieve over, such as the ending of a long term relationship. This book is beautifully written and fently guides you to find meanjng from loss. It shows you the importance of finding meaning and also tells stories of others who have found meaning from the loss of those close to them. It is a good read.

I would like to thank Netgalley and the publisher for providing me with a copy free of charge. This is my honest and unbiased opinion of it.

[Marissa · Rating 1 out of 5]

A lot of anecdotes and positive psychology with a sprinkling of bad trauma psychology and touch of name dropping (he has met at least 2 US Presidents, Mother Teresa, and Carrie Fisher).

Only interesting part was the end (Legacies section) but skip this and pick up trauma-based psychology books instead.

[Tracey Axnick · Rating 5 out of 5]

Absolutely excellent. I lost my father and my husband in less than a year and have read many books on grieving. This is a standout - thorough, balanced and meaningful. It will help you whether you’re a person of strong faith or an atheist. I found the last 3 chapters especially poignant. Highly recommended.

[saeed rmzni · Rating 4 out of 5]

۴ ستاره میدم به خاطر اینکه تاکید کرد رنج و سوگ من بدترین سوگیه که وجود داره ولی شاید بهتر باشه همون ۳ رو بدم

[David · Rating 5 out of 5]

No one taught me "grieving." It's almost always something you're forced to learn when something terrible happens. Also, reading a book will never make you an experienced griever or in any way make grieving okay. But there is tremendous merit in thinking ahead about what grieving looks like, listening to other people's stories, and reframing the way you think about grief and pain. Kessler is not only a great writer and counselor, a few years ago he lost his own 21 year old son. He reflects about the death of his son in his book, and how he went through that tragedy not as a grief expert but a grieving father.

[Ghazalehsadr · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this book because a friend of mine is translating it and wanted me to write the introduction for the book. He said he’d been thinking of me from the first page to the last because of all the things that I’ve been doing for my father in his memory ever since he passed away. He said I am a perfect example of what this book is talking about, reaching a sixth stage of grief, finding meaning in what has happened and creating meaning in it.

I have read about 10 other books on grief and grieving in the past two years, so this book did not have too many new points for me. But for someone who wants to read their first or second book on this subject, this was a great book.

[Cristie Underwood · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this book while struggling with the sudden loss of my grandfather a few years ago. Despite it being years, I have had a hard time. Thanks to the author of this book, I now understand that I was searching for meaning as to why this death occurred. It has been helpful looking back on my times with my grandfather with love vs pain. I highly recommend this book to anyone else struggling with grief.

[Ross Flynn · Rating 5 out of 5]

Best book I ever read on grieving. I’m a psychotherapist and I’ll be referring clients to it. I found the narrated version extra helpful, hearing David’s voice and empathy in every story. David models wonderful thoughts and phrases that enable presence in the face of a lifetime of grief.

[Gina · Rating 3 out of 5]

I am not sure that it gave me anything knew. I also question some of his sources, especially Williamson and Frankl. However, he does still know a lot about grieving, and the book would probably be helpful for people struggling with that, while being more accessible than some deeper books.

[Caren · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is written with so much compassion and therefore healing for the grieving person.

“We often believe that grief will grow smaller in time. It doesn’t. We must grow bigger. We must be the architects of our lives after loss.”

[Cindy · Rating 1 out of 5]

Nothing new, recycled material, not fulfilling. Didn't finish.

[Dila · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was a difficult read, not because of the writing, but because of the different versions of myself that I have became while reading it. I went through phases, stopped, restarted (a couple of times) and finally finished it. At its core, the book is about grief—its many layers and forms. Though the book centers on the death of a loved one, I found its insights applicable to any kind of loss, whether it’s a missed job opportunity or a lost earring. Grief is a surprisingly versatile emotion; even seemingly small losses can gather in the corner of your eye to fall, tighten in your throat, and take up residence in the hollow of your chest.

I began the book with a thousand unanswered questions swirling in my mind. Now, having finished it, one question stands out above the rest, a question the book answered most profoundly: Where does all the love go when the person or thing it was once attached to is no longer there? Does it accumulate somewhere, only to vanish when we’re not paying attention? One morning, do you wake up and realize it’s no longer the first thought that grips your mind? How exactly does it fade away, if it does? Does it slowly dissolve, like how waves, over time, wear down and shift the sand beneath them? Or does it linger, creeping in during moments when something reminds you of what was? If so, does it mean it never fully goes away?

Does it become a weight around your ankle, like a wilted flower petal clinging stubbornly before it falls? Or is it more like a dull ache, an untreatable cavity, gnawing away your tooth silently? The book says that grief is the other face of love; it’s the form love takes when it stretches out across time and space. Grief doesn’t disappear—it resides. It’s a boulder shaped by years of carrying it. Though it transforms, eroded and changed by time, it’s still there, marked by the memory of love. It’s the proof of having loved, of having tried, of having hurt. Grief carries the inevitable change that comes with life, altering itself, yet never truly gone.

Grieving is something we don't know what to do with, and maybe that's because every kind of grief demands its own reckoning. Should I sit with it, let the tears come until they exhaust me? Or should I forcefully block every reminder from resurfacing in my mind? The only thing you’re sure of—apart from being unsure of everything—is that it will pass. Slowly, but surely. Everyone tells you this, and somehow that’s the hardest to hear. It’s the reminder that one day, you won’t be holding on to what once was. Memories start to blur; faces and voices blend into a thick haze, and suddenly you can’t quite pin down the timeline of events or what it was like to be in its presence. It feels like a betrayal of the experiences you lived, but there’s nothing you can do to stop it from flowing. It’s like trying to hold water in your hands—no matter how tightly you hold, it always slips away somehow. That doesn’t mean the pain disappears, but it transforms into something quieter, less urgent—a subtle, lingering ache. It’s like a phantom limb: you reach out for it, and the absence is all that’s left to grasp. That fleeting, sharp pang that rises when you see their favorite fruit at a friend’s dinner table, or when the way you brush your teeth stirs a memory of how they once showed you to do it. It’s easy to pack away material reminders in a box, to shove them into the back of a closet. What’s hard, is figuring out how to store away the experience of love itself. ‘Store away’ might not even be the right word. Maybe the goal isn’t to put it behind you, but to find a way to weave it into your being—so that it doesn’t haunt you but instead becomes a part of you. So, I’d say the most profound lesson this book offers is not in forgetting, but in learning to remember, to honor, and, in time, to find meaning in letting go.

[Amy · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 Kessler briefly reintroduces the 5 stages of grief and goes on to discuss how to get meaning from our grief. But “meaning” is personal and, frankly, I just don’t find it to be the right word. More like peace or purpose or processing.

Chapter 13 was the most useful to me. Although the sections on complicated relationships, mental health & addiction, loss of a child, and suicide were well done. I found some of the “stories” throughout to be unbelievable coincidence and not relatable. Overall I’m not a huge fan of Kessler’s writing and felt this could have been more concise and consequently more interesting and impactful. That being said, I still got some good info and take aways.

I did have to stop the audiobook because even at 1.3 speed, the author’s pacing, voice, and intonation were making me dislike the book immensely. Reading worked out better. Kessler still leans a little religious for me, but not overly so in this book.

[Jasmine · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was great. I am five years out from my husband passing away, and I still found this helpful. David Kessler co-authored the book about the Five Stages of Grief, and he introduces Finding Meaning as the sixth stage. His insights are great and the stories are really helpful. Highly recommend.

[Teresa · Rating 4 out of 5]

Meaning: How can you honor your loved one?
How can you create a different life that includes them?
How can you use your experience to help others?

[Amy Louise · Rating 4 out of 5]

I started this book several months ago….wasn’t ready to read the whole thing until now. I didn’t think it was necessary to read the chapters in order….did some jumping around as I read and found that useful for me.

[Brooke Benda · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this read wholeheartedly! I’ve been following Kessler for a while now and his books on grief/loss are just beautiful, raw and real. Whether for the grief therapist, the person who is mourning or for the one who would like to be a good friend-read this book!

[Renita D'Silva · Rating 4 out of 5]

Poignant and heartwarming

[Glo · Rating 5 out of 5]

Hauntingly beautiful and informative.

[Melissa · Rating 5 out of 5]

Having read many books on grief over the last almost five years, I feel like this book is helping me finally turn a corner. Everything Does Not happen for a reason. We can find meaning, however, even in the face of heartbreaking loss and grief.

“You heal when you can remember those who have died with more love than pain, when you find a way to create meaning in your own life in a way that will honor theirs.”

“We often believe that grief will grow smaller in time. It doesn’t. We must grow bigger We must be the architects of our lives after loss.”

“Your heart may be devastated. It may feel like your loved one was the only thing that gave your life meaning. But that meaning lies within you and is always possible to find again. It may feel like all meaning left with the person you lost, but that is not true. You can continue to connect meaningfully with those who are still living, and you can form new connections, too.. Those connections do not diminish your love for the person who died. They will only enhance it.”

“I have found that in this lifetime, the ultimate meaning we find is in everyone we have loved.” ♥️