A Happy Life in an Open Relationship: The Essential Guide to a Healthy and Fulfilling Nonmonogamous

by Susan Wenzel

Discover the secrets to successful open relationships. A Happy Life in an Open Relationship is a handbook to healthy nonmonogamous relationships.

For anyone curious about open relationships, here is a valuable handbook from an expert in love, sex, and communication. Relationship therapist Susan Wenzel—who is in an open marriage herself—delivers skillful advice on how to navigate the complex emotional landscape of multi-partner relationships, from polyamory to swinging.

• Filled with of compelling personal stories, anecdotes from clients, and practical exercises
• A guide to cultivating harmonious and fulfilling open relationships
• Author Susan Wenzel is a sex and relationship therapist with years of experience counseling patients on issues related to monogamy, intimacy, and trust.

A Happy Life in an Open Relationship will help you develop your trust and communication skills, explore sexuality and desire, build your confidence and self-worth, set healthy boundaries, overcome jealousy, and so much more.

People interested in making changes in their relationships will appreciate the positive tone, helpful advice, and expert wisdom from an accomplished relationship therapist who has gone through the experience herself.

• A great gift for anyone interested in testing the boundaries of monogamy and exploring the world of polyamory
• An accessible and inviting guide for couples to build an open relationship that is strong and lasting
• Perfect for fans of Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence and The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity by Esther Perel, The Commitment: Love, Sex, Marriage, and My Family by Dan Savage, and Sex at Dawn: How We Mate, Why We Stray, and What It Means for Modern Relationships by Christopher Ryan

Genres: Nonfiction, Polyamory, Self Help, Relationships, Sexuality

186 pages, Paperback

Published March 10, 2020

About the author

Susan Wenzel is a certified sex and relationship therapist. She counsels patients on issues related to love and sex and leads therapeutic workshops throughout the United States and Canada. She is based in Winnipeg, Canada.
"Susan and her husband were featured in the second-most read article of 2017 in the New York Times Sunday Magazine: "Is an Open Marriage a Happier Marriage?" Susan is a sex therapist, and member of The American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT), and holds certification as a counsellor from the Canadian Counselling and Psychotherapy Association" - Transatlantic Agency

Reviews

[Stacey · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'd like to thank Cynthia @ Chronicle Books for reaching out and sending me a copy. I was curious more than anything about open marriages and how both parties manage their feelings and can it actually work out without falling apart in a fit of jealousy. I was skeptical.

Rest assured, Susan Wenzel, sex and relationship therapist has written a book that takes a look at open marriages and how they can be fulfilling and successful. This isn't a how-to, but gives thoughtful advice.

What I liked: 1) It was personal as she shared her journey. 2) The format was easy to follow and well laid out. 3) Obviously this is for non monogamous relationships, but it can also be applied to your monogamous relationship. Spoiler alert...communication!

Thank you Chronicle Books and Susan Wenzel for broadening our horizons.

[Eliza · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book is described as a handbook from an expert in love, sex, and communication, for anyone curious about open relationships. She claims to cover everything from polyamory to swinging. I read it as part of a book club in a CNM relationship group.

Strengths: This book is a quick read, and full of useful information for those who are new to, or considering CNM. The author offers other options to monogamy, as well as why monogamy may not be the best fit for every person. She explains her definitions of CNM, and some CNM variations. She discusses why someone might choose to open their relationship, as well as the benefits and potential costs of opening up. The author offers several quizzes throughout the book, which help you to apply the lessons to yourself, and give the book a fun interactive feel.

Mrs. Wenzel recommends that anyone wanting to move away from monogamy should do a lot of self-work first. We so rarely consider our triggers and trauma before entering relationship, but when you have decided to add additional people, it’s even more important to know yourself. I loved that the author says, “There is no good time to tell your partner that you want to have sex with other people.” So true! You cannot un-ring that bell, so it is best to not just hope for the best. The author gives tips on how to prepare to have this life changing conversation. I like her suggestion to use imagery to determine if CNM is right for you: Imagine your partner enjoying each of the parts of being open (dating, intimacy, love, etc), and consider how it makes you feel. If uncomfortable emotions come up, you likely have more self-work to do. The author concludes the book stating that the keys to a happy, thriving open relationship are learning to love yourself, effective communication, the ability to self-regulate emotions and take ownership of your actions, and an investment in a strong emotional bond. I agree that with any variation of CNM, this is a good set of goals to strive toward.

Weaknesses: Although the author does not label herself as a swinger, the vibe of the book is very much about sex and not building relationships. The author often uses wording that sounds like couples privilege. She says the primary couple need to make clear rules to protect the primary relationship. She does say that it’s important to communicate these rules to potential partners, but that any new partners are not allowed to interfere with the primary relationship. It is my opinion that the worst line in the book is found on page 63, when she says, “We (the author and her husband) both acknowledge that we might feel more connected and closer to some of our lovers than others, which we permit, but we are not allowed to seek long-term and romantic commitment in those relationships.” Her outside relationships have a casual, temporary feel to them, even though they are not always one night or one encounter. She also says that her jealousy used to get triggered when sharing her husband sexually, but now her motto is, “You can have sex with my
husband, but you cannot have his heart.” That she does not “allow” for feelings, seems like swinger vs poly and also unrealistic. How does she intend to prevent him from having feelings? She does not say. The author makes me cringe when she says that “Breaking up is not an option”, referring to her marriage, as we all know that relationships end, and although we all should expect security in relationship, we cannot guarantee that moving on will never happen. A few chapters later the author says that even if things with her husband do not work out, she will be successful, accomplished, and happy with her place in the universe. While this is likely true, it seems contradictory of her earlier statement that the marriage cannot end. The author does give some wonderful advice on how to work through triggers for yourself and your spouse, but there is a general feel of not involving the primary couple with others who might need support in their own triggers. These outside relationships are purely meant for fun and should not be work, it would seem. I feel that this are many holdovers from monogamy that the author is bringing over to her open marriage, which is not healthy. There is a lot of the authors personal experiences and opinions in this book, and a general female vibe that several of the male book club participants found off putting.

Bottom line: I would not recommend this book to anyone interested in polyamory, but could see suggesting it to couples who are swingers or wanting to try swinging.

[Neo · Rating 4 out of 5]

A great book on open relationships from a therapist in one. Approaches its subject from a specific angle: if you're looking for a book on polyamory, this is not for you.

However, having been searching for a book focusing on sexual open relationships, this book was helpful and fun to read. It is easy to read, at times almost self-helpey. Didn't leave me devastated after reading, like some books on the subject have done. Bonus points for that happy vibe (and lovely colours used)!

A small negative from a Finnish reader: the book is very tied to its Canadian/American culture. I chuckled at times on some of the tips, and rolled my eyes a few times on the heteronormativity of it all. I would have preferred if the book would have chosen more neutral words instead of spouse (not all are married) and the binary man/woman. This is a small downside, though. It is fun, however, how this particular one seems to omit all kink/BDSM-related content; they often seem to be discussed openly as a side topic in these books.

Worth reading!

P.S. Another bonus: the book is written by a black woman, and it has a chapter on race, racial fetishism, and antiracism.

[Kelly · Rating 3 out of 5]

Thank you to NetGalley and the publisher for providing this book in exchange for an honest review.
I'm often interested to read books written by sex and relationship therapists. I liked the anecdotal aspect to this book rather than just a checklist of how to have a happy nonmonogamous relationship. The author describes the various types of relationships and gives tips on how to overcome jealousy or other potential problems. As in any relationship, good communication is always key.

[Allyce · Rating 4 out of 5]

A Happy Life in an Open Relationship steps away from other books about open relationships and non-monogamy as it is a very personal book. I say personal not just because of the subject matter but because the author herself, Susan Wenzel, offers a lot of anecdotal examples taken from her own life and those from her professional life as a relationship therapist.

The book itself provides a range of information not only on open relationships but other non-monogamous relationships types. Most sections of the book offer guides and exercises to help readers better understand and work through issues. A large part of the book looks at introducing the concept of non-monogamy to relationships – how you approach, deal with, and work through conversations and issues, while the rest works through other aspects of these relationships.

However, at times the book can read more like a biography than a guide. At some points I found that I was interested in subjects and how to handle these better myself but was treated to page after page of personal reflections instead of constrictive advice on how to actively tackle these issues.

Despite this small issue, the book shines in its positive portrayals. There are no judgements made in this book which is really empowering to read. The book is not authored from a theoretical standpoint, the author is in an open relationship herself, which really makes not just the advice but the issues faced so much more real.

RECOMMENDATIONS

If you are looking at opening up your relationship, A Happy Life in an Open Relationship is a great resource for all of the things you need to consider. Wenzel offers a number of considerations that can often be not thought about, so if you are thinking about branching out in your relationship, this book is an excellent idea.

For those already in an open relationship, A Happy Life in an Open Relationship is a wonderful resource that can help preemptively tackle issues or as a guide to handle the more tricky conversations. I say wonderful as there is no judgement in the writing – it is open and honest and is purely there to help guide people who may hit some bumps in the road.

If you’re simply curious about open relationships and polyamory, then A Happy Life in an Open Relationship is also a great book. The number of personal anecdotes really personalise this subject that often can be overlooked or eye rolled.

Please note: I received a copy of A Happy Life in an Open Relationship from NetGalley.

[John Harper · Rating 5 out of 5]

An easy read and well written and laid out. The book could be useful for couples considering opening their relationship, but it also helps demystify the world of polyamory for those that may have friends or family who are doing so.

Susan answers the questions that you may have but are too shy to ask.

Well done!

[Sylwia · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great for folks looking for validation about open relationships. I love how it includes various advice and topics that go beyond open relationships such as insecurity, jealousy, anxious attachment, racism, etc. I will be taking some of what I learned here with me personally and professionally.

[Jodie | GeauxGetLit · Rating 4 out of 5]

I am a curious person by nature and I enjoyed this book for gaining more knowledge for reasons why couples may explore this arrangement.

[Al Capwned · Rating 2 out of 5]

Very generic advice and a style that makes you wonder if the author herself is actually 100% sure about it.

[Merry · Rating 4 out of 5]

I liked the book. It definitely comes from the perspective of a prescribed hierarchical primary relationship, which rubbed me the wrong way in places. That said it had valuable Information for couples opening up a preexistong primary relationship.

[Claudia Moss · Rating 5 out of 5]

I purchased my Kindle copy of the book from Amazon. Susan Wenzel did a wonderful job of broadening my horizons on the subject of how to navigate, successfully and happily, an open relationship in a marriage. The read was relatable, well written, full of exercises and tips, and complete with professional and personal information rendered with a perfect balance. I even enjoyed reading the New York Times article in which she and her husband were interviewed along with other couples.

The author is true to the title’s claim. This is a book that speaks to open relationships, not polyamory. She does not profess to engage in relationship anarchy. Her primary relationship is sacred and that is how she and Denys have structured their union.

I am happy I read the book and learned much about CNM relationships.

I recommend this book to anyone intrigued about non monogamy. Monogamous people could also benefit from the information provided, as Wenzel’s content is welcoming to all.

[Mark · Rating 2 out of 5]

So the pros of this book include that it is a fast read. Tips on communicating, wanting for self love and looking inward before moving outward.

The cons is seems more about already established relationships versus entering open relationships and a feel of more of what i understand as swinging or partners know all partners on a more deeper level. Its okay if that occurs but not all relationship(s) are going to be like the dynamic I picked up from reading. I also would have like more practical tips on 1st time coming in from different type of polytypes (solo, kitchen table, some are friends, all are spereerate, etc) versus the all are going to know each other to some degree on more than name level.

[Danielle · Rating 4 out of 5]

A lot of other nonmonogamy resources encourage people to focus first on communication and expression within the relationship. What drew me to this book was its foundation in understanding and managing one's own emotions, reactions, fears, etc. The advice is centered more in personal than relationship improvement, which in turn benefits relationships of all types, and I found it surprisingly useful. I reach for this book a lot when I'm having negative feelings, especially since the author comes from the position of having been there herself.

[RE A · Rating 4 out of 5]

I think this book was helpful in the following ways:
-It is one of the few books of its kind to properly address the intersections of race, ethnicity, and CNM
-It is the only book I'm aware of written by an openly demi author, and so those of us who are demi or are in relationships with demi partners can benefit greatly from the author's perspective as a demi individual
-The author's vulnerability and personal stories can be very therapeutic, especially if you're going through something and need something that's soothing

[Meredith Ritchie · Rating 3 out of 5]

So I’m the one hand, this book captures some real authenticity in the process of working through insecurities and jealousy within the context of an open marriage.

Much of the advice is good but also written in a way that is quick. So like, it seems like the type of book tor was while also talking with a therapist to actually delve deeper into the ideas.

My issue with the book is that is it VERY written for folks in an open relationship with a nesting partner (or married). It absolutely represents a hierarchy primary relationship lifestyle. So some of that irked me.

[Jane Kamabu · Rating 5 out of 5]

Despite my conservative up-bringing, l have read this book from cover to cover and Loved it’s revolutionary ideas. Susan writes with professionalism but offers deeply touching vulnerability. There’s is no shame or coercion! Only an open invitation to re-examine monogamy and perhaps consider normalizing non monogamous relationships. A great read during this global lockdown!

[Wairimu Gitau · Rating 5 out of 5]

Susan has opened up a conversation many would prefer to stay away from and she has done it in a remarkable way. She has written the book based on her professional experience as well her personal experience and articulated that quite well. In the current day and age, we are required to be open minded, embrace diversity among us and live authentic lives.

[Alex Robinsov · Rating 5 out of 5]

Honest, non-judgmental and level-headed discussion about open relationships and polyamory. Personal story combined with professional advice and self-help materials make the book different and engaging

[LATOYA JOHNSON · Rating 5 out of 5]

Informative

Very informative even for traditional relationships. Gave good insight on nonmonogamous relationships for 1st timers. Helpful self reflection starter book and plenty of references.

[Daniel Gautron · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a wonderfully easy book to read that really keeps the reader engaged.

[Nicole Mackey]

Really helpful, informative, relative read.

[Courtney Spronk · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great advice in this book! I highly recommend it for open relationships/polyamory.

[Alex · Rating 5 out of 5]

Fantastic. I will reccomend this to anyone considering or is in an open relationship.

[Pinto · Rating 5 out of 5]

Diverse topics covered

Concise and to the point. I am excited to start on the exercises. I just finished reading it through. Loved it.

[Mycelial Alchemy · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was very very good when I read it, and I completely recommend that EVEN if you are in a monogamous relationship / not interested in Polyamory or Open Relationships, I think that EVERYONE should take the time to read this book, as it discusses how to have a HEALTHY and FULFILLING Relationship, especially in regards to emotional awareness of yourself and your partner, as well as evaluating trauma, how to approach having emotional conversations with your partner(s) or potential partners, dealing with sharing your time/energy/focus, dealing with jealousy, etc.

I felt very reassured and educated as a person with BPD (for example), reading this book, and I have definitely handled my relationships (of all kinds) differently since reading this book. Thank you to the author for writing this book.