Comprendre les règles tacites des relations sociales. Décoder les mystères de la vie en société à travers l'autisme.

by Temple Grandin, Sean Barron, Françoise Forin-Matheos (Translator)

Tous deux affectés par l'autisme depuis leur naissance, Temple Grandin et Sean Barron s'en sont très bien sortis, à en juger par leur vie sociale épanouie et leu réussite professionnelle. Ils n'ont pourtant pas emprunté le même parcours.

En côtoyant beaucoup d'adultes et d'enfants, Temple a pu vivre des expériences divers en matière d'interaction sociale et stocker de nombreuses données dans son cerveau. Son esprit logique a ainsi été en mesure de lui dicter ses comportements sociaux. Ceux de Sean, en revanche, étaient contrôlés par ses émotions. Dérouté par les règles sociales, seul, sans amis, il a imaginé ses propres règles et les a imposées aux autres.Chaque fois qu'elles étaient enfreintes, il se sentait dévalorisé et mal aimé. Pourtant, ils ont tous deux fini par accepter le monde tel qu'il était et ont réussi à y trouver leur place.

Utilisant l'histoire mouvementée de leur vie,les deux auteurs abordent toutes les difficultés auxquelles les individus avec autisme sont confrontés dans le domaine de l'interaction sociale et expliquent, ce faisant, à quel point les règles sociétales courantes peuvent être déroutantes et illogiques. Ils élaborent des lignes directrices permettant de vivre et de travailler avec les autres et ne manquent pas d'illustrer chaque cas, du plus simple au plus complexe.

Le témoignage qu'ils livrent dans cet ouvrage est inestimable pour tous ceux sui se sentent, en quelque sorte, hors normes, que ce soit à l'école, au travail ou dans leur relation aux autres. Il fournit de véritables clés pour mieux comprendre le fonctionnement autiste et aide les individus eux-mêmes atteints d'autisme à naviguer plus sereinement au sein de la société grâce à des règles concrètes.

Genres: Autistic Spectrum Disorder, Nonfiction, Psychology, Self Help, Aspergers, Relationships, Parenting

380 pages, Paperback

First published November 1, 2005

About the author

Mary Temple Grandin is an American academic and animal behaviorist. She is a prominent proponent of the humane treatment of livestock for slaughter and the author of more than 60 scientific papers on animal behavior. Grandin is a consultant to the livestock industry, where she offers advice on animal behavior, and is also an autism spokesperson.
Grandin is one of the first autistic people to document the insights she gained from her personal experiences with autism. She is a faculty member with Animal Sciences in the College of Agricultural Sciences at Colorado State University.
In 2010, Time 100, an annual list of the 100 most influential people in the world, named her in the "Heroes" category. She was the subject of the Emmy- and Golden Globe-winning biographical film Temple Grandin. Grandin has been an outspoken proponent of autism rights and neurodiversity movements.

Reviews

[Petra X · Rating 1 out of 5]

I think I've read most, if not all, of Temple Grandin's books and a lot of her papers too. I did prefer her writing before she became the 'official' voice of autism by autistic people.

This book was just so weird. To have social rules dissected by those who have learned them and not absorbed them innately is a bit like having an alien come down and start describing our society to us. I had wanted to read the book because I find difficulty getting on with people and reading social clues and wonder if I might be on the Asperger's ladder (but apparently not, after doing various psychological quizzes, I think I'm just socially inept). Anyway, this book gave me no pointers and the structure of two people writing alternately in a very didactic manner led me to give it up. The book isn't unreadable, its just not enjoyable.

My Mum died the week I was reading this. Life really is too short to plough on with unnecessary things that aren't enjoyable.

[Leslie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Honestly, I'm perplexed by the bad reviews. The writing format where it switches from editor to Grandin to Sean- well folks it says, "Grandin says" so if you are confused by that, I don't know what to say.
I am not autistic or on the spectrum, but definitely am socially awkward due to my ideas of how people should be vs how they are.
I found parts of this book helpful and it gave me good insight into situations where I may have had awkward social situations and why that would be so. It also gave me a lot of insight into how my thinking had become rigid in some areas and how I used black and white thinking because having hard set rules was easier than trying to decipher why the hell people would behave in certain ways.
This book also informs my conversations with my kids - as in it's ok to lie if it spares someone's feelings and there is no harm in it - which for me was obvious, but needs explicit instruction for kids.
Idk, maybe I'm reaching for the spectrum, but I found the book insightful and interesting. Sure, parts were repetitive, sure Grandin really harps on social norms and drilling them into kids, but that didn't ruin the book for me. I really found it interesting to see social norms from the viewpoint of an outsider.

[H M · Rating 2 out of 5]

I honestly expected a bit more insight from this book, but it was hard to get past the tone of the authors and the strange format of the writing. Switching back and forth between Grandin and Barron, with random notations from the editor, was confusing. Not to mention that I was totally turned off when Grandin started talking about how peachy keen it was to grow up in the '50s. I get that prescribed etiquette makes things easier, but the only people that had it nice in that era were crackers of a certain class. It's surprisingly obtuse of Ms Grandin to make such an oversight, and it made me question just what kind of insights the authors were drawing from their experiences.

I was really looking forward to this read, and I know that Ms Grandin is a very influential figure for spectrum issues and awareness. But it just wasn't as helpful or interesting as I thought it would be. What should have been simple social rules where told as long, drawn-out essays, which were very difficult for me to follow.

[Keith · Rating 4 out of 5]

There is such a multitude of ways to interact with other people. Many of them just don't work. This book tells of their experiences growing up, what they learned from it, and distilled it down to 10 "rules" for navigating scial relationships. 

Here are a few of my observations:
- Austitics tend to think in black and white.
- They often have a problem with anger management.
- It often runs in families.
- If everyone was socially adept, we might have a lot fewer things designed and built.

The ten unwritten rules of social relationships
1. Rules are not absolute. They are situation based and people based.
2. Not everything is equally important in the grand scheme of things.
3. Everyone in the world makes mistakes. It doesn't have to ruin your day.
4. Honesty is different than diplomacy.
5. Being polite is appropriate in any situation.
6. Not everyone who is nice to me is my friend.
7. People act differently in public than they do in private.
8. Know when you're turning people off.
9. Fitting in is often tied to looking and sounding like you fit in. And, people are responsible for their own behaviors.
Page 119


"Flexible thinking is what difficult, not learning the rules. While both need to be taught - and both should be taught starting (when) children are young it's flexible thinking that will move the child along and allow more advanced levels of social understanding." Page 121-122

Functioning in the world is a lifelong educational process. Life is a process, social interaction is a process; there's no "end of task" to strive for, no one magic bullet that, when learned, turns social confusion into social understanding. Page 342

"Each person is ultimately responsible for his or her own behavior, happiness and well-being. When something goes awry in our lives, it's generally up to us to fix it, not someone else." Page 344

[Bria · Rating 2 out of 5]

I had thought this was going to an insightful book about human social relationships, pointing out things that we all sort of know but rarely realize or acknowledge, taking the outsider's viewpoint of someone with autism to make it overt. And it is that, but only a little bit. It's mostly a guidebook for parents and teachers of autistic people on how they think and how to educate them, and for the autists themselves on how to act. Written with that intention made it excessively repetitive, as well has having the tone of sort of dumbing it down more than I cared for, and a lot less contemplative insight than I had hoped for. It seems like, since I don't really even know, let alone have to care for, anyone with autism, it's really not a book I should read at all; but then I thought, part of the problem is that we only learn about things like this when we are forced to, and wouldn't it be better if more people in the world had knowledge and appreciation of what it's like to be autistic already, so that if or when we meet someone autistic, we already have a headstart on not being a jerk or a headache to them. So I skimmed the whole thing, trying to derive the insights I had hoped for by myself.

I was a little bit uncomfortable with how Sean Barron talked about "getting rid of" autism. At the same time Temple Grandin talked about how it's in the genetic and neurological structure of your brain, so although there's obviously a lot of room for improvement and learning to cope and so forth, that doesn't mean that suddenly you're not autistic.

I know there's been a lot of discussion about what's causing the recent rise in diagnoses of autism, with much of the conclusions leaning toward us just being diagnosis-happy these days, or, more positively, more educated and concerned. So although not an entirely new idea to me, Temple's discussion of how structured life was when she was a child in the 50's and 60's made it a lot easier for her to learn how to function did provide some more context. Without a lot of routine, structure, and clearly stated expectation with consistent enforcement, it's a lot harder for autistic children to learn how to behave, which probably contributes to more children these days being diagnosed.

It was also refreshing for me, as a grouchy, antisocial contrarian, to read their straightforward statements on how you need to meet some minimum of conformity in order to interact with other human beings. Having the freedom of relative neurological flexibility, I get to deny and ignore or resent every expectation society has of me, since for the most part I can figure out how to meet at least some level of presentability if absolutely necessary. But even I get uncomfortable or irritated with people who act in some way too far outside what I consider to be a reasonable norm, which just shows what a hypocrite I am, or at least tries to teach me the lesson of being more aware of on what my contrarian tendencies rest. So although maybe it was a bit of a mistake for me to read this book, I wouldn't call it a waste of time, since at least it taught me things I didn't already know and humbled me a bit, which is always a plus in any book.

[Amberjean · Rating 3 out of 5]

Let me start with: I really really like Temple Grandin, so I'm a little biased. I read all her books, and always feel I've learned something, usually about perspective and perception.

On the one hand, this wasn't my favorite. I thought the co-authoring was managed a bit awkwardly. It was also illuminating, providing a second perspective as well as reinforcing the point that autism is different for every autistic person. I also felt the authors lingered on the introductory/background material too long, rather than getting into the meat of what they've learned over the years about the complex puzzle of human interaction.

On the other hand, as is typical of Grandin's books, I enjoyed seeing the art of socializing in a different light, particularly looking at it as consciously learned behavior. This book made a connection for me to animal training, where we really cogitate about what we're teaching our animal partners....why don't we apply the same care with our friends, coworkers, neighbors, and family? What are our behaviors teaching them? And what are they teaching us?

But this message is carried, in my opinion more engagingly, by Grandin's other books.

[Doug · Rating 5 out of 5]

It's a well written, easy read. The stories and advice of the two authors are interwoven in such a way to provide alternate perspectives. Grandin is logical. Barron is emotional. The authors offer practical advice in compensating for literal rigid thinking, anxiety by adjusting diet and increasing flexibility and learning social rules. Grandin speaks frankly. I learned much about myself and other people.

[Travis Touchdown · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'm neurodivergent (not ASD), so a lot of what they talked about (especially on during Sean's parts) felt pretty in line with my experiences. I feel that this book is both-
1. kind of essential for building a social framework to make sense of interacting with people (it was for me at any rate), as well as a good tool for neurotypical people to contextualize behavior of people on the spectrum, and
2. kind of dated/irresponsible in how it talks about how autistic people fitting into society, in certain ways.

Sometimes it's little bits of phrasing (Sean talking about "overcoming" his autism, etc.) while sometimes it's stuff like Temple emphasizing how having a very consistent, disciplined parenting style growing up (especially from her mother, who could tell when her behavior was her acting out vs. her having a sensory issue) was helpful for her learning rules.

With those two examples, my issue has to do with how neurodivergent people are regarded and treated by society. There's an increasingly large group of people, especially certain kinds of parents, who regard autism as a terrible curse on their children/them, and are desperate to "cure" it, instead of just letting their kids be oriented around different things than they are, and accept them as people. Another chunk of the population takes their children's "normalcy" as such a dire reflection of their own worth, that they deny that their kids can even have it, or simply abuse or murder them, because apparently autistic kids can't be happy or good or something.

The rates of physical and emotional abuse among autistic kids is extraordinarily high, and is often, unfortunately, inflicted by their parents. As a book that's partially aimed at parents of autistic kids trying to teach them social skills, it's *direly* important to also talk about that, and teach a framework that doesn't treat autism like it's something that's "curable," or something that absolutely needs to be escaped from.

The most cringeworthy line of the book comes from Temple on page 350, "[Temple's mother] maintained high expectations of me, too, which in the long run fostered development and progress in many different ways. […] and the way she could do that was to make sure I acted appropriately. It was like having intensive ABA therapy when I was young, without knowing she was doing that." From the way Temple's mother is described throughout the book, she sounds like she was rather sensitive to her needs, and the way she went about raising her was good for her. That said, describing it like "an intensive ABA therapy" is...a bit problematic. For those who don't know, ABA therapy is behavioral treatment that's frequently used on autistic kids from a young age to implement consequential behaviors to stop them from exhibiting autistic behaviors, but studies have shown to have a strong correlation with PTSD in the kids who are subjected to it. (Amythest Schaber's video on it [Ask an Autistic #5] summarizes the major harm that comes from that treatment, and provides written sources.)

Suffice it to say, that maybe making a positive comparison to ABA in a book parents have (and I presume, still are) using as a reference on raising kids on the spectrum, is not great.

I think the book is overwhelmingly more useful than it is harmful, and I have learned some really useful things from it, but I feel obliged to throw up a laaaaaaarge asterisk next to the rec.

[Muhip Tezcan · Rating 5 out of 5]

İki otistik yazar. Biri resimlerle düşünen, aşırı mantıklı bir kadın profesör. Diğeri kelimelerle düşünen, aşırı duygusal bir erkek gazeteci. İkisi de hayata klasik, 'low functioning' otizmle başladıkları ve 30lu yaşlara kadar çok zorlandıkları halde kariyer sahibi olabilmiş, sosyal hayata uyum sağlayabilmiş başarılı insanlar. (Temple Grandin'ın olağanüstü hayatını anlatan müthiş bir HBO filmi var, herkese tavsiye olunur. Fun fact: Başrolünde Homeland'deki kadın oynuyor, ödüllü bir film)

Otizmin getirdiği sosyal iletişim bozukluklarına rağmen sosyal normları -çok zor da- olsa öğrenebilmiş olan bu insanlar, en önemli gördükleri sosyal kuralları sıralıyor ve bunları nasıl öğrendiklerini ve neden önemli bulduklarını paylaşıyor. Kitap özellikle otizmli bir çocuğu olan ebeveynler ve otizmli öğrencilerle çalışan öğretmenlere yönelik olsa da, yaştan bağımsız olarak otizm spektrumundaki herkesin faydalanabileceği bir kitap.

Sıraladıkları 10 kural, otizm spektrumunda olmayan 'normal' diyeceğimiz insanlara çok basit ve anlamsız gelebilir. 'İnsanlar özel hayatlarında farklı, topluluk içerisinde farklı davranırlar' veya 'herkes kendi davranışından kendisi sorumludur' cümlelerini duyduğunuzda bu ne lan diyebilirsiniz. Ancak bunları nasıl öğrendikleri ve bu kuralların neden önemli olduğunu son derece mantıklı bir şekilde açıklıyorlar. Bu şekilde, topluma uyum sağlayabilecekleri bir bakış açısı oturtmaya çalışıyorlar.

Ama uyarayım, bu bazılarına rahatsız edici gelebilir. Çok erken yaşta, hiç farketmeden öğrendiğiniz ve size içgüdüsel gelen sosyal iletişim kurallarını rasyonel ve pragmatik biçimde yorumluyorlar. Adeta robot gibi. Veya dünyaya yeni inmiş ve insanları tanımaya çalışan uzaylılar gibi. Zaten Temple Grandin de kendini sürekli gözlem yapan bir 'sosyal dedektif' olarak adlandırıyor ve Star Trek'teki Mr. Spock'a benzetiyor. Bana çok ilginç ve eğlenceli geldi. Özellikle üniversitedeki oda arkadaşıyla olan bir anısı: Radyoda Beatles çalmaya başlayınca, Beatles hayranı olan oda arkadaşı sevinçten kendini yere atar, çığlık çığlığa yerde tepinirmiş. Grandin bunu görünce 'hmm, enteresan bir sosyolojik vaka' der ve kendi kendine bunun nedenleri üzerinde düşünmeye başlarmış. İnsanların tuhaflıklarını olduğu gibi kabul etmeyi bu şekilde öğrenmiş: bir dedektif gibi merakla inceleyerek.

Bu arada her ikisi de orta yaşlarını çoktan geçmiş, yaşlı diyebileceğimiz insanlar. Ve tipik birer yaşlı gibi 'bizim zamanımızda adab-ı muaşeret öğretilirdi, şimdiki gençlik hiçbi şey bilmiyor' muhabbeti yapıyorlar bazen. Ama bunu o kadar mantıklı bir şekilde yapıyorlar ki ben bile ikna oldum sayılır. Ayrıca 'nörotipik'lerin de bazı kurallar ve tavsiyelerden faydalanabileceğini düşünüyorum. Özellikle öfke kontrolüyle ilgili kısımlar.

Velhasıl, çok iyi kitap. Türkçe'ye çevrilmesi lazım.

[CatReader · Rating 3 out of 5]

Temple Grandin is a prominent figure in the autism community and her co-author Sean Barron is a journalist with autism. Their joint 2005 book, Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships, edited by Veronica Zysk, is an attempt at simultaneously explaining how and why people on the autism spectrum struggle with social relationships, while also providing advice for those people, their families, their teachers, etc. in helping them build social skills and be successful. The book is written in an unconventional way, with Grandin and Barron reflecting on their own early life experiences, then Zysk interjecting with observations and themes; toward the end of the book, more perspectives from different people on the autism spectrum along with short biosketches are included.

I don't think I was in the target audience for this book, so while I found it interesting at times, I also repetitive and found much of the advice to be common sense (to me, someone who's socially awkward and introverted but otherwise neurotypical). I found Grandin's parts more helpful than Barron's, and it seemed like an odd pairing, though I presume the intent was to provide contrasts between Grandin being (like me) female, logical, and and a strong visual thinker (see Visual Thinking: The Hidden Gifts of People Who Think in Pictures, Patterns, and Abstractions), vs. Barron being male, more emotional than logical, and more relationship-inclined than Grandin.

My statistics:
Book 223 for 2025
Book 2149 cumulatively

[Jennifer · Rating 3 out of 5]

A fascinating but frustrating book. Co-written by two high-functioning people with autism, it's written mostly for adults caring for children with autism and explains what social rules they might have a hard time understanding and how to teach them. The authors are very interesting reading when they explain the thought processes of people with ASD, although they are prone to blanket assertions about neurotypical thought patterns that I'm not comfortable with (neurotypical people intuitively understand how to interact with people? Either that's off or I'm not neurotypical, although I suppose either is possible). The book sometimes becomes frustrating when the two authors describe their experiences and ways of thinking and it becomes clear they're completely and radically different--of course everyone is an individual, but if two people with autism are so completely different, autism becomes very hard to define.

However, the purpose of the book wasn't to define autism, it was to help people with autism and their caregivers deal with everyday life--there are other books that deal more directly with what I'm interested in. As a tantalizing peek into a different way of thinking, it was interesting.

[Trish Sanders · Rating 3 out of 5]

I have had this book on my wish list for quite a while and am so glad that I finally read it. Although the way the text switches back and forth between the two authors and the editor was a bit disconcerting at times, I did appreciate having the perspectives of these two very different people brought together in one discussion on this important topic. The book is aimed primarily at parents and educators of children with autism, but I believe it could be very helpful to teenagers or adults with autism who are reading it for themselves.

There are ten unwritten rules shared in this book, although the first four words of the first rule (“Rules are not absolute”) give you a hint that this is anything but a black-and-white manual. The most helpful part for me was actually in the beginning of the book, where Temple talks about the difference between social skills and emotional relatedness and encourages adults to focus on teaching their child appropriate social behaviors while recognizing and accepting that he or she may not relate to others emotionally in the same way they do.

[Jeanie Greer · Rating 5 out of 5]

I learned a lot from this their perspectives on the social world for people with autism. So much of the things they wrote about come naturally to the non autistic, but really do need to be taught, talked about and explained to the person with autism. I recommend this book to anyone who knows, works with, associates with anyone on the spectrum.

[Nicholas Galinaitis · Rating 3 out of 5]

Falling behind on my reading goal but finished another! I found this book helpful to understanding life through the eyes of people with autism, also a little depressing since parents often force children on the spectrum into classrooms and situations that are counterproductive and harmful. Some of the stories are repetitive, but eye opening.

[Rick Alimonti · Rating 3 out of 5]

I have been studying autism and Aspergers in anticipation of writing a children's book addressing Autism Spectrum Disorders ("ASD")on a very basic level to help children understand and interact with those on the ASD spectrum.

I found this book very helpful, with some qualifications. First, it is told through the perspective of two individuals with ASD, and I think you have to be careful about extrapolating too much into the ASD population as a whole. Clearly, what worked for Sean and Temple might not work for another. Second, I thought that there was a great deal of repetition, and the book would have benefited from more severe editing. There is a great deal of overlap among the ten rules.

Nonetheless, these perspectives were very helpful and added to my understanding of ASD. It also offers insights to "neuro-typical" behavior, as I found myself realizing that there was aspects of these rules that warrant reenforcement inall of us.

I was particularly intrigued by the "tough love" approach espoused by Temple Grandin. She strongly beleives that ASD individuals need specialized instruction and schooling but that they should be expected to adopt and improve rather than have society adjust to them. The rules in the book provide a nice framework to assist those with ASD to understand the rules of interaction that most people adjust to unconsciously.

[goatmilksoda · Rating 3 out of 5]

(Disclaimer: I did not finish this book and I read the 2005 edition.)
I am autistic myself. I picked this book up mostly because of the chapter about how people act differently in private than in public, as that's something I've always struggled with.
But unfortunately I found most of the information to be targeted at neurotypical parents and teachers and continual pleads from the authors to "try to empathize with the autistics!" and how "they know this sounds dumb/ridiculous".
It didn't make me feel very welcome within the pages. It felt almost like it was talking behind my back.
There were also a lot of notes about how even harmless autistic behaviors like stimming should be hidden in public spaces, which bothered me because I was actually looking for better notes about communication (I've been told by my parents that I say embarrassing things in public sometimes).
I stim a lot in public and really want to work hard to normalize the behavior. So when parenting and teaching advice leans towards hiding or "curing" autistic behaviors it really puts me off.

I'm sure it was a fine book. I'm sure there was a lot of good information, but I had a dated copy and it wasn't what I was looking for or expected based on the title and authorial credentials.

[Matthew Allen Newland, PhD · Rating 3 out of 5]

Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships by Dr. Temple Grandin and journalist Sean Barron offers us two contrasting autistic perspectives. It promises to reveal, over the course of its chapters, “ten unwritten rules” that helped both of its coauthors to navigate through a neurotypical world.
Part 1 takes a sequential look at the childhood, adolescent, and adult careers of the two coauthors, offering a fascinating glimpse into two unique minds, and offers a look at the challenges each of them faced growing up (challenges which I was often able to relate to myself, as I read).

On the other hand, the two authors have very different forms of autism, leading them to understand their conditions in very different ways, and to have very different attitudes towards the autism that they were born with. But having read the first part, I can also say that my own story reflects many of the same struggles, but also distinct differences from both of them.

Rather than summarize the book, I want to first discuss what the two authors share in common, and then what sets them apart. To begin, both Temple Grandin and Sean Barron were “early cases” of autism, diagnosed back in the 1960s, when such diagnoses were less common and there were/was fewer accommodations and less understanding about how to cope with the challenges of autism. And indeed, though Grandin’s mother especially worked hard to push and challenge her, both authors were nonetheless forced into what was essentially a “sink or swim” situation when dealing with the everyday world outside of home/school in their respective decades (the 1960s for Grandin and the 1970s for Barron): though both Grandin and Barron faced challenges, they each rose to the occasion and found ways to make friends and forge successful professional careers.

With regard to their childhood difficulties and later adult successes, I would say that the two authors share a number of thoughts in common as well, in spite of the clear differences between them (which I’ll discuss in a moment). The first that comes to mind, writing this after reading, is the importance of relationships with other people, which is essential for navigating through life successfully. As I’ll note in a moment, though, both have very different attitudes about these relationships (Grandin is very utilitarian, while Barron appears to have had an innate need, from childhood, to be accepted and appreciated by others; for him, friendship and love were fundamental goods desirable for their own sake).

Another thing that the two authors share in common is the idea that personal interests should be pursued, not just for the enjoyment they provide, but for the good of others (as well as one's own self). Both authors were able to turn their personal interests into successful, fulfilling careers, allowing them to do what they loved while making a living doing it (Temple Grandin is a professor and designer of livestock equipment; Barron is a journalist). Both authors also observe less-fortunate autistic individuals who were either discouraged from cultivating special interests and so did not develop any, or who feel no motivation to work or succeed, leading both Grandin and Barron to reflect that such a life would not be one either would want for themselves.

As for the differences, I noted quite a few, especially as I read this first part of the book (and I observed that my own experience, growing up with autism, reflected as many differences as well). I once read someone who referred to Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) as being like the X-Men from Marvel Comics: they are all mutants, but their mutations manifest in very different ways. It would seem that autism works in a similar way (though, again, I found a lot in common with both authors’ experiences, as well).

The most prominent difference I noted was each author’s attitude about (and response to having) autism. Temple Grandin sees her autism as a fundamental part of herself, a part of her identity that fundamentally makes her who she is (to use Aristotelian language, her autism is a part of her “form” or “soul”; to remove it would be to make her someone else). Barron, meanwhile (and I found this troubling), sees his autism as something to be overcome, almost like an illness that must be cured in order for him to live a happy, fulfilling life. He even uses language about “recovering from autism”, as though it were a disease, throughout his parts of the book.

Grandin’s chapters, though, which discuss the structure of the brain and the connections that set autistic people apart (the connection between the frontal cortex and the amygdala, for example, connecting the rational part of the brain with the part that processes emotions such as fear and anxiety), would indeed suggest that autism really is a fundamental part of who one is; it is not something to be suppressed or “cured”, but a unique way of being that, in spite of the challenges that accompany it, may allow the person possessing it to accomplish great things that they might not otherwise be able to. I prefer Grandin’s more positive perspective, and note that she uses neuroscience (and her own brain scans) to back her ideas up (Barron offers no such counter-evidence, relying only on his own subjective experience).

Another distinct difference between the two authors is the way emotion was/is felt for each of them, especially while growing up (and this links to the observation I made about their attitudes regarding love and friendship, above). Barron’s first chapter opens with an incident from junior high involving an intense crush he had on his English teacher (a crush which lasted over a year), and the difficulty he had processing the knowledge that she had become engaged over the summer). But Barron’s feelings for others and the low self esteem he had growing up were an important part of his life, and the focus of much of his worry and concern.

Emotion is also extremely prevalent in Sean Barron’s experience in the form of fear: Barron spent his childhood afraid of almost everything, and the routines he insisted on following were his way of reassuring himself that there were at least some things he could count on. Unfortunately, his inability to explain this to others (his parents, his teachers) often resulted in discouragement or punishment (especially if he insisted on following his routines when asked not to), thus making his problems (and fears) more serious.

Temple Grandin, meanwhile, has no such similar stories in her chapters; fear does not seem to have played any role in her life (and she trusted her mother faithfully, whenever she introduced her to new places/situations). And with regard to romantic feelings, Grandin observes (very frankly) that she’s never had any romantic feelings or interest in anyone, though she does see friendships and relationships as an important part of her success in her life and career. However, there does not seem to be much emotional attachment in these relationships; her descriptions of them suggest that she has them more out of necessity than anything she would be interested in for its own sake. To go back to what I said earlier, while both Grandin and Barron recognize the importance of relationships with others in order to live well in this world, Grandin’s discussion of her relationships describes them as a utilitarian necessity; she sees that it’s better and more useful to be sociable and helpful, and so she tries to be both to others (there’s a payoff, essentially). Barron, meanwhile, seems to really care about how other people feel about him (and he reciprocates those feelings intensely).

One final difference comes from the way the two authors dealt with the difficulties their autism posed when growing up: while Temple Grandin faced sensory issues that made trying new things (or going new places) difficult, Barron’s inability to communicate his emotions and his fear of things going wrong was the root cause of his difficulties. But Temple Grandin was pushed by her mother, who understood that, growing up, Temple would need to be able to deal with and respond to life's challenges. Grandin notes that her mother never pushed her too hard (only ever as much as she was ready for), and to this day, she appreciates the balance her mother was able to keep in place when helping her with her challenges.

Barron, meanwhile, seems to have been largely left on his own to deal with his struggles, finding an easier time at school with its structured schedule, classes, and routines, slowly coming out of his shell as high school progressed, until he at last made his first peer friends during his senior year. Barron managed to forge the relationships he wanted so badly growing up, but he had to do it on his own, and it took him much longer to find success than it did for Grandin (thus demonstrating the importance of parents who are supportive, understanding, but also willing to challenge and push when necessary).

Looking back on Part I, before wrapping up, I would also note that Grandin’s chapters are far more in-depth and she makes some interesting observations about how things were for her, growing up with autism in the 1950s-60s, and how the world has changed since then. On one hand, she is glad to see more accommodations but at the same time, seemingly in response to the more help and resources, she observes that the world has also gotten louder, busier, and more chaotic (she mentions the difference between going to a restaurant in the 1950s and now, and wonders how she would have coped if she were growing up today).

One final difference is interesting, too, given the different responses Grandin and Barron have for other people: though Grandin does not seem to have much loving (or sentimental) attachment to others, she nevertheless expresses repeated concern for the wellbeing of younger people on the spectrum, who are currently struggling. She notes the importance of having a purpose in life and work that one enjoys, and expresses dismay at those whom she sees wasting their lives and talents. She also offers suggestions that might allow these people to channel their abilities in ways that are both good and good for them (instead of playing video games all day, which Grandin laments the young kids today do too much of, one might learn coding instead, for example, and put an interest in computers to good use).

As for Barron, he has very little to say about other autistic people (he’s mostly preoccupied with his own stories and struggles). But given how his story features his loneliness (and infatuation with others), it’s interesting that he expresses no concern for other people in situations similar to his.

The "Ten Unwritten Rules" comprise most of the book, following the chapters which introduce the authors and tell their stories. Each rule is given an in-depth discussion and plenty of first-hand examples from the lives of both co-authors, to show why these rules are important.

The rules are, as follows:

Rule #1: Rules are Not Absolute. They are Situation-based and People-based. When discussing this rule,I noted an interesting observation from Temple Grandin,: that Autistic people are “bottom-up”, figuring out the rules based on situations, while neurotypical people are “top down”, ascribing broad rules categorically; the confusion results when autistic people recognize that things are never quite so simple. I saw the difference similar to the Aristotelian approach to understanding the world (autistic people, making generalizations after studying the particulars) and the Platonic tendency to understand things in terms of ideals, and then imposing these on the world (seeing things in terms of standards that aren’t manifested in reality, but exist as ideas). This suggests that the autistic way is closer to the reality, but the neurotypical view has lost sight of this in an attempt to make things easy to discuss (though things rarely are).

Rule #2: Not Everything is Equally Important in the Grand Scheme of Things This rule was all about recognizing that sometimes we need to let things go, for the sake of getting along with others, though this cuts both ways, for both autistic people and neurotypical people alike.

Rule #3: Everyone in the World Makes Mistakes. It Doesn’t Have to Ruin Your Day This rule focuses on the autistic tendency to dwell on perfectionism, but is really more of a reiteration of Rule #2. It seeks to show that getting hung up on details can be detrimental to one’s happiness, and interestingly, almost seems to counter Rule #1; it suggests that we can look beyond the individual situations and details for the sake of peace and moving forward.

Rule #4: Honesty is Different than Diplomacy and Rule #5: Being Polite is Appropriate in Any Situation are similar statements as well, asking us to “not sweat the small stuff” when getting along with others, and that treating people with respect is never a mistake (you can’t go wrong when you do that). Grandin, in particular, stresses the importance of Rule #5, as she really seems to care about the wellbeing of others, and believes that everyone deserves to be treated with kindness and respect.

The next four rules have to do with understanding what other people are thinking, whether for self protection–Rule #6: Not Everyone Who is Nice to Me is My Friend and Rule #7: People Act Differently in Public than They Do in Private or to help with getting along with other people–Rule #8: Know When You’re Turning People Off and Rule #9: “Fitting In” is Often Tied to Looking and Sounding Like You Fit In where, among many examples, Barron describes his disastrous first dates, and how he came to be a better socializer by learning to understand how other people saw him.

Finally, the final rule, Rule # 10: People are Responsible for Their Own Behaviors reminds us that, as much as we can try to get along with and fit in with others, we can succeed only so long as other people are willing to do the same with us (so fixing other people’s problems/issues is not up to us).

Summing up, I will just note that, again, all throughout his sections, Barron troublingly talks about being "cured" from his autism, and refers to having “been autistic” (as in, he no longer is). In addition, I found his parts of the book to be less insightful and helpful than Temple Grandin's (aside from his recounting his difficulty socializing/dating when discussing Rule #8); Barron's perspective is very "self-involved", for lack of a better term, with his advice and recounted efforts to fit in and communicate coming across as self-serving ("act like this and you will get the validation and love you want"). Temple Grandin, meanwhile, has a far better perspective that seems to be genuinely concerned with the well-being of both the autistic person and all the people around her/him (and society and the world in general). Looking back on both authors’ stories and their very different attitudes/responses to being autistic, I do wonder if their different childhood experiences led, at least in part, to their present perspectives.

And to say one last thing about Temple Grandin's contributions (as they were certainly the most insightful/helpful, even though I think I related to Sean Barron’s life and memories more), I'll note first that Grandin occasionally repeats herself when recounting personal examples and anecdotes; initially I thought that the book was repeating earlier sections, but then noted that the wording/perspective was different from the first time; it seems Grandin comes back to the same incidents when discussing behaviour and fitting in.

Second: while I appreciate the genuine respect she has for her fellow human beings (being polite, kind, and appropriate not only puts other people at ease, but are all signs of respect all people deserve), I do find some of her reasoning worth questioning (but questioning herself is not something she ever really does). For example, Grandin really seems to revere her mother, whom I will admit, seemed to have understood young Temple Grandin's challenges and difficulties while she was growing up. However, I'd say that Temple was fortunate, but not everyone who struggles growing up with autism was blessed with such wise and considerate parents; for so many others, things were never so easy, and we missed out on the opportunities and safe environment she was fortunate enough to be raised in.

To conclude this look at the book, I will say that it’s provided two interesting biographies, memories, and a record of experiences that I am able to both relate to but also contrast with my own life, growing up with undiagnosed autism (and challenges and difficulties of my own).

Thank you for reading!

[Mary · Rating 5 out of 5]

Recently, Dr. Temple Grandin appeared on the "Katie" show on NBC. The topic for the day was autism, and Dr. Grandin is considered an expert in the field -- because not only does she have autism, but she had the courage to put her voice out there to let others know that autism does not sentence you to a life that lacks fulfillment! Temple Grandin is today one of the most trusted design engineers in the cattle industry in the United States and Canada. My oldest son is high functioning autistic, but most people would never know it. The older he gets, the more mature he gets, just like any young man. He has been able to function quite well, and I am so proud of him.

To read the rest of my review, check it out here: http://www.bubblews.com/news/770482-b...

[Cam · Rating 1 out of 5]

Undoubtedly Temple Grandin is a hugely important figure to our understanding of autism and particularly autism in women.
I didn't like this book because its whole outlook is rooted in narrow, capitalist understandings of human value. The assumption here is that the worth of a person lies in what they possess that is useful to the economy. The purpose of changing understandings of autistic people, then, is to help them be useful to the economy.
Nope.

[Lis Carey · Rating 5 out of 5]

Autism makes social interactions a challenge for even high-functioning autistic people because those parts of our brains aren't wired quite the same as neurotypicals. We have to actively learn things that neurotypicals pick up naturally. And our parents and teachers don't necessarily have a good handle on how to do that.

This book features two famous and successful autistic people, Temple Grandin and Sean Barron (confession: I had never heard of Sean Barron, and had to Google him) talking about their own experiences, what they've learned, and ten "unwritten rules" of social relationships. Linking and amplifying some of the information in their contributions are commentary and explanatory notes by their editor, Veronica Zysk.

Grandin and Barron are two very different people, and their autism affected them in very different ways. (Common comment heard in discussions of autism: If you've met one person with autism, you've met one person with autism.)

Temple Grandin thinks in pictures, and approaches the world and its puzzles and problems in a very logical, analytical way. Sean Barron is very emotionally oriented, As a child, he approached the world in what he saw as a logical way, but when the world and other people didn't fall in line with his logic and his "rules," he would quickly be pushed into emotional meltdowns fueled by anger. Even though Grandin had more logical tools to apply, for much of the early part of her life she didn't have enough information and images in her mind about social interactions and social relationships to come up with the right solutions. This was true despite her mother being very aware of her needs, and sensitive to when she was going into sensory overload, and getting her to a quiet place when that happened. She also very systematically taught Temple basic manners, appropriate behavior, the art of small talk. These things, and the firm insistence that, autistic or not autistic, everyone is responsible for their own behavior, She still had a hard time, but she had some structure to work with. Like Sean Barron, she had to work on controlling her anger--and that's something I had to work on, too. It's frustrating beyond words, when you think you've followed all the rules, and it doesn't produce the expected results.

Sean Barron, because he was much more emotional in his reactions overall, and possibly because his mother perhaps didn't understand his meltdowns and their triggers as well, had a much harder time learning appropriate behavior and managing to comply with it. One of the aspects he talks about most is not understanding the importance of taking some basic care with his appearance--showers, combed hair, appropriate choice of clothing and making sure your clothing is arranged appropriately.

I found Temple Grandin's contributions far more relatable than Sean Barron's, but that's because I found her experience of being autistic much more like my own. That isn't true for everyone; there will be many for whom Sean Barron's experiences will be far more familiar and relatable. That's part of the value of this book. By including both sets of experiences, more people will find enough to connect with that this book will be useful and helpful for them.

After the first portion of the book, introducing Grandin's and Barron's basic experiences and approaches, that latter part of the book takes each of the ten "unwritten rules" in turn, presenting the rules themselves and the two authors' experiences in mastering the lessons embodied in each rule. It's a useful, helpful approach, and enlightening for both autistic adults, and for parents and teachers working with autistic children.

It's also important to note that this revised edition contains in each section additional comments from Grandin and Barrion, written in 2017, for this edition. It updates and further strengthens the book.

Recommended.

I bought this book.

[Melissa Morris · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book was quite the slog. Although editing a book by these 2 authors would be, I’d imagine.

It’s dated now.

Sean talks about “being freed from my autism,” and other “recovery” language. When really, it sounds more like the depression his symptoms produced was what he recovered from. Sean is good at driving home the emotional turmoil of having autism, but other than “I gradually learned,” he gives no strategies for improvement. Leaving Temple, the highly analytical one, giving all the advice. And in the story about a girlfriend AFTER he and his mother had published their book, you wonder if he has gradually learned.

This is my 2nd Temple Grandin book because she sounds great in a TikTok clip. But listening to her for over 300 pages or for an hour in a lecture or book can get very repetitive. Yes, I’ve seen her live. She is very scripted, which is fine. I’m just saying, you read one of her books, you’ve read them all. She also sounds very dated:
-The 50s-60s were the best times to grow up
-My mother had an almost god-like ability to do the Right Thing in every situation
-Black and White thinking - you HAVE to do this, this worked for me and while I’ll consent that there might be other ways…no, you HAVE to do this.
-Most of her advice is for parents of very young children. But my children are older. Much of her advice is either stuff we’ve already done, or isn’t available in a 21st century society. Also, I’m not HER mother - I don’t have the magical power to be serene through this process.

The authors introduce such things as “flexible thinking”, “categorical thinking” and “perspective taking.” But how do you get an autistic kid to do those things? “My mother simply told me or would not accept…” doesn’t satisfy. What was the process of telling or NOT ACCEPTING? Not accepting can run from corporal punishment to isolation to getting into hours long power struggles. What was it? Sean’s take is always “I was miserable and poorly behaved before i started thinking flexibly.” As if it came as a flash from the sky.


So why not 1 star? Because the 10 rules are now copied and up on my fridge. I’ve read their details about what each one means, but really, we’ll have to figure them out on our own.

[Fire Miuta · Rating 3 out of 5]

Re-reading this because I remember I learnt a lot about myself the first time I read it and thus gifted this book to someone I care about whom I suspect is within the ASD spectrum. In between the time 1 st read it and now re-reading it, I have learnt a lot about neurodiveegence from other sources, especially when it comes to late diagnosed ones. With this context in mind, I must say that in light of recent developments of neurodivergence literatures / anecdotes, this book felt not as much "insightful" as I did before, because some of the things mentioned felt outdated / can benefit from a semblance of nuance (e.g. Grandin can sound "typically boomer" at time, and Barron's usage of "overcoming autism" does rub me a wrong way at times). On top of that, the world has grown increasingly difficult too so this book cannot really be treated as "principle" in a way, more like as a "starting book" before moving on to the next, more up to date literature. Additionally, the way it is written may be confusing (2 authors and an editor writing in turn). I do appreciate the references included at the end of the book, since I also want to look up some claims made in the book myself (e.g. gluten/casein free diet).

TLDR: Okay enough as a starter but need to take context in which the authors growing up into account.

[Joy · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book did not live up to what I hoped it would be. Maybe that's my fault. It is mainly aimed at the parents and teachers of ASD children about developing social skills at s young age. I skimmed through a lot of it.

The format of the book is also very strange.It almost seems like the two co authors wrote their own books independently and it was up to the editor to splice them together with their own comments. On top of that, each of the authors cuts into their own text with "2017 updated commentary" and honestly the whole thing is unfocused and hard to read.

There is some good information in here but it's buried underneath a lot of stuff that is not relevant or interesting for me. Again, this might be my own fault, I should have done more homework to realise this is a book for NT adults that work with ASD kids.

[Katie Nelson · Rating 2 out of 5]

I've heard Temple Grandin speak in person before and I've read another one of her books, but this one was not really up to par in my opinion. Her co-author Sean was less enjoyable for me. They both have autism and they are both sharing important information so I do appreciate that. My own son has autism and he often talks about how hard it is to pick up on social cues. He was excited that I was reading this. I did find the list of unwritten rules to be very helpful and I will use those as talking points with him, but I didn't gain too much else from the book.

I do want to clarify that I read an older version of this book so I don't know if the edition pictured here that has been updated is any better.

[William · Rating 5 out of 5]

I received a review copy of this book.

I was initially interested in this book without having read the subtitle or description and assumed it was mere social observation. That it was about autism increased my interest significantly, both due to my career as a Direct Support Professional and some developments in my home life. It did not at all disappoint. I found this book both thoughtful and moving. I feel safe to say that if it is not my favorite nonfiction book that I have read this year, it is a close second. This particular book did not lend itself to the audio format, and I would recommend anyone for whom traditional books are an option purchase or borrow a physical copy rather than the audiobook.

[Chet Taranowski · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is more a personal memoir about social skills problems than it is an instruction manual. The book is written for people who might be facing great challenges in learning social skills not for a person who is functioning reasonably well in this area. The authors do outline several rather simple yet brilliant rules for social interaction, helpful for those with significant problems, e.g. "Not everyone who is nice to me is my friend." The authors illustrate the rules by telling stories from their own lives. So this isn't exactly a social skills training instruction guide, yet it still might be useful for people who are baffled by problems in social interaction.

[Zac Stojcevski · Rating 4 out of 5]

Multi author view of their professional and / or lived experience of AS and ASD and how to navigate if not fit in to the neurotypical world. Some sections read as 'how to's' and some, more importantly "how not to's" that can provide something of a guide, but most definitely discussion points for the ASD community and supports to add understanding, knowledge and skills to improve outcomes and make the most of individual super powers that can be coaxed in many on the spectrum. Though I recommend this to many people, please note: IT IS NOT A HOW TO MANUAL. IT IS NOT A REPAIR MANUAL. It is a gentle guide with content to discuss and integrate.

[Carrie Hart · Rating 4 out of 5]

Act III of the book, which contained 10 'unwritten rules' that people with autism need to be taught because these concepts may not come as naturally to them as they do to neurotypicals, was extremely helpful. I learned a lot in this section! However, I felt the introductions, Acts I and II were a slog and took me a while to get through, but they are a necessity for a full understanding of Act III. I also take issue with Sean's constant descriptions of having 'overcome' his autism and speaking about his autism in the past tense as if it just disappeared when he learned and applied these rules.

[Michael Cushing · Rating 5 out of 5]

Awesome book with great insights. If you want to get an idea as to how the mind of somebody with ASD views the world, Temple and Sean give you a great perspective. While I’m high functioning, and I don’t experience the extremes that both Authors do, I still learned quite a bit about myself from having read this book.

[David Cattell · Rating 5 out of 5]

Temple has a brilliant mind and this book is an insightful look into social relationships from an ASD perspective. There’s also some good information for everyone especially in today’s culture, when just about anything goes. As Temple states “Becoming socially aware is a lifelong process.” I heartedly agree!