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I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better: Six Practical Principles that Empower Others to Solve Their Own Problems While Enriching Your Relationships
In their weekly radio show and in their popular workshops, Gary and Joy Lundberg have already helped thousands of people and their families to communicate more effectively. Now, the Lundbergs address an all too common dilemma that arises when others expect you to solve their problems for them, showing readers how they can shed the no-win role of "fixer" and empower people to solve their own problems through validation--a simple yet profound communication tool that is essential to any healthy relationship. Refreshingly straightforward, this inspiring and entertaining work is poised to become a classic guide for anyone who wishes to improve relationships with their partner, children, colleagues and friends.
336 pages, Paperback
First published August 1, 1995
166 people are currently reading
2023 people want to read
About the author
Gary B. Lundberg
14 books4 followersGary is a licensed marriage and family therapist and co-author, with his wife Joy, of their popular books on relationships, I Don’t Have to Make Everything All Better, Meeting Amazing Grace: Wisdom for all Families and In-laws, Love That Lasts: 14 Secrets to a More Joyful, Passionate, and Fulfilling Marriage, and their pocket-size book for youth and young adults On Guard! Seven Safeguards to Protect Your Sexual Purity.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 188 reviews
August 25, 2008
After reading some well-written and some not-so-well-written books about human psychology and interpersonal communication, this book was a breath of fresh air. Rather than trying to appeal to the audience with buzz words and 360-degree paradigm shifts, this book made sense on a practical level for all sorts of situations. The first part of the book is essentially about codependency without ever using that word.
To summarize briefly, the book teaches how to respond to other people's problems in a healthy way. It teaches that even small children are capable of solving their own problems and just need others to listen and encourage them. Phrases such as, "I can imagine that was really painful/embarrassing/sad..." or "How do you think you can handle the situation?" are validating phrases, which is the way we tell others that we value their viewpoint. We say, "What you're feeling is valid" instead of "That's screwed up. Let me explain to you the correct way to think."
Giving advice is a common, unhealthy, mild form of controlling other people. It's like telling them: "You aren't smart enough to figure this out, so let me condescend to share my wisdom with you." When people are most confused or depressed, they need people to confirm that it's okay to feel confused or depressed. And if you can tell them, "Hey, I know you'll figure this out because you're strong and smart and there's nothing I could say that you can't figure out for yourself" then that's just icing on the cake.
Okay, sounds cheesy but it works. I've been practicing these principles with my six-year-old and he's responded to it extremely well. Now I wonder how my friends have put up with me all these years when I didn't realize how condescending I was being. The more you know, the less you know. You know? I find that I'm in the habit of trying to be helpful by dispensing advice. I'm cringing at how readily the advice comes to my lips. Bad Juliana! No! I am, as always, a work in progress.
I'm giving this two big thumbs up. If you want to borrow my copy or grab your own, let me know what you thought. I'd love to do lunch and hear what you have to say. I promise I'll be a good listener.
This concludes my four-part series of self help books. Reading these in the order I read them in was fascinating. It reminded me how human psychology is complex yet interrelated. At the root of all the buzz words, there is truth. Sometimes it's like the figurative needle in the haystack, but the search is worthwhile. If you decide to pick up any of these books, let me know and let's enjoy chatting about them.
The previous book reviews, in order, are:
The Verbally Abusive Relationship
The Emotionally Abusive Relationship
Codependent No More / Beyond Codependency
To summarize briefly, the book teaches how to respond to other people's problems in a healthy way. It teaches that even small children are capable of solving their own problems and just need others to listen and encourage them. Phrases such as, "I can imagine that was really painful/embarrassing/sad..." or "How do you think you can handle the situation?" are validating phrases, which is the way we tell others that we value their viewpoint. We say, "What you're feeling is valid" instead of "That's screwed up. Let me explain to you the correct way to think."
Giving advice is a common, unhealthy, mild form of controlling other people. It's like telling them: "You aren't smart enough to figure this out, so let me condescend to share my wisdom with you." When people are most confused or depressed, they need people to confirm that it's okay to feel confused or depressed. And if you can tell them, "Hey, I know you'll figure this out because you're strong and smart and there's nothing I could say that you can't figure out for yourself" then that's just icing on the cake.
Okay, sounds cheesy but it works. I've been practicing these principles with my six-year-old and he's responded to it extremely well. Now I wonder how my friends have put up with me all these years when I didn't realize how condescending I was being. The more you know, the less you know. You know? I find that I'm in the habit of trying to be helpful by dispensing advice. I'm cringing at how readily the advice comes to my lips. Bad Juliana! No! I am, as always, a work in progress.
I'm giving this two big thumbs up. If you want to borrow my copy or grab your own, let me know what you thought. I'd love to do lunch and hear what you have to say. I promise I'll be a good listener.
This concludes my four-part series of self help books. Reading these in the order I read them in was fascinating. It reminded me how human psychology is complex yet interrelated. At the root of all the buzz words, there is truth. Sometimes it's like the figurative needle in the haystack, but the search is worthwhile. If you decide to pick up any of these books, let me know and let's enjoy chatting about them.
The previous book reviews, in order, are:
The Verbally Abusive Relationship
The Emotionally Abusive Relationship
Codependent No More / Beyond Codependency
February 10, 2008
I don't read a lot of self-help books, but this one was calling out to me. And believe it or not, I think about the things it taught me all the time.
Mostly it is about being a good listener. . . and that most of the time when people are coming to you with a problem, they don't want your help or advice, they want validation. Meaning you don't have to fix their problems, you just have to let them know that, yes, what they are going through really is tough and that you care about them. Brilliant and true! And practical for real life.
Mostly it is about being a good listener. . . and that most of the time when people are coming to you with a problem, they don't want your help or advice, they want validation. Meaning you don't have to fix their problems, you just have to let them know that, yes, what they are going through really is tough and that you care about them. Brilliant and true! And practical for real life.
March 22, 2025
This was the most influential book I read in 2017. (I usually finish a book in a week, but I labored over this one for a month.) This book made me realize that I lacked many invaluable emotional/listening/change management skills in all my important relationships (e.g., romantic, family, service, and friends).
Takeaways:
1. I am not responsible for other people's problems. (I am only responsible for my own.)
2. I cannot fix other people's problems for them even if I wanted to. Lasting change in others' lives does not come from me telling them how to live. Evidence: when has (emotional) dictating something to someone ever worked out perfectly for them? Never.
3. People can fix their own problems. People are more capable than we think (even children). Very rarely are people unable to come up with solutions to their own problems (assuming they feel emotionally safe, and given the proper sounding board). Side note: Attempting to fix someone else’s problems is literally demeaning because it communicates that they are incapable of it. Plus doing so robs them of that growth opportunity.
4. The greatest influence I can have on someone is by committing to walk their emotional path with them.
5. If you continue along someone's emotional path as a non-judgemental friend long enough (typically until they feel listened to and understood), a miraculous thing can happen—people will eventually reach their emotional bottom, and come up with positive ways to deal with their problems. These ways are empowering, they are sticky, and sometimes work better than the "good ideas" I might have come up with.
6. Generally, choosing not sharing your potential solutions for someone's problems is not cruel. Staying silent is. I can best help others by practicing active listening, validating their emotions, and asking compassionate questions that lead them to their own solutions. (When people are in crisis and unable to even think straight, it's another story.)
Other valuable ideas/quotes:
Validation is "the ability to walk emotionally with another person without trying to change his or her thinking or direction." Many people seeking validation will be sniffing out whether or not you are even hinting at a solution to their problems while determining if you are a *safe* listener.
4 Rules of Validation:
Listen (by giving your full attention)
Listen (to the feelings being expressed)
Listen (to the needs being expressed)
Understand (by putting yourself in the other person's shoes as best you can)"
"The universal need of every human being" is "to know that I am of worth, my feelings matter, and someone really cares about me." (I should get this one tattooed on the palm of my hand for quick reference.)
"The underlying principles that allow a person to effectively validate someone else" is "a recognition that I do not have the power to make everything all better for anyone else. I can offer my help, but I cannot make it all better."
The responsibility for a person's problems lies with the person who has the problem. Again, I am NOT responsible for alleviating others' discomfort for them, even if their discomfort makes me feel uncomfortable. As someone who cares, I can be with them amidst their struggle. But to best help them, I must exude confidence in their ability to take responsibility for and address their own problems.
"The four key elements of effective boundary setting" are "be kind, gentle, respectful, and firm." Boundaries create strong, healthy relationships. When done right, they actually bring people closer, not push people away.
Never attempt to teach when a person is upset or in the heat of the moment. Cool down, and find another time.
Good validating phrases/questions:
"That's got to be hard.
I think I might have felt the same way.
How did you feel about that?
What do you think might work?"
Takeaways:
1. I am not responsible for other people's problems. (I am only responsible for my own.)
2. I cannot fix other people's problems for them even if I wanted to. Lasting change in others' lives does not come from me telling them how to live. Evidence: when has (emotional) dictating something to someone ever worked out perfectly for them? Never.
3. People can fix their own problems. People are more capable than we think (even children). Very rarely are people unable to come up with solutions to their own problems (assuming they feel emotionally safe, and given the proper sounding board). Side note: Attempting to fix someone else’s problems is literally demeaning because it communicates that they are incapable of it. Plus doing so robs them of that growth opportunity.
4. The greatest influence I can have on someone is by committing to walk their emotional path with them.
5. If you continue along someone's emotional path as a non-judgemental friend long enough (typically until they feel listened to and understood), a miraculous thing can happen—people will eventually reach their emotional bottom, and come up with positive ways to deal with their problems. These ways are empowering, they are sticky, and sometimes work better than the "good ideas" I might have come up with.
6. Generally, choosing not sharing your potential solutions for someone's problems is not cruel. Staying silent is. I can best help others by practicing active listening, validating their emotions, and asking compassionate questions that lead them to their own solutions. (When people are in crisis and unable to even think straight, it's another story.)
Other valuable ideas/quotes:
Validation is "the ability to walk emotionally with another person without trying to change his or her thinking or direction." Many people seeking validation will be sniffing out whether or not you are even hinting at a solution to their problems while determining if you are a *safe* listener.
4 Rules of Validation:
Listen (by giving your full attention)
Listen (to the feelings being expressed)
Listen (to the needs being expressed)
Understand (by putting yourself in the other person's shoes as best you can)"
"The universal need of every human being" is "to know that I am of worth, my feelings matter, and someone really cares about me." (I should get this one tattooed on the palm of my hand for quick reference.)
"The underlying principles that allow a person to effectively validate someone else" is "a recognition that I do not have the power to make everything all better for anyone else. I can offer my help, but I cannot make it all better."
The responsibility for a person's problems lies with the person who has the problem. Again, I am NOT responsible for alleviating others' discomfort for them, even if their discomfort makes me feel uncomfortable. As someone who cares, I can be with them amidst their struggle. But to best help them, I must exude confidence in their ability to take responsibility for and address their own problems.
"The four key elements of effective boundary setting" are "be kind, gentle, respectful, and firm." Boundaries create strong, healthy relationships. When done right, they actually bring people closer, not push people away.
Never attempt to teach when a person is upset or in the heat of the moment. Cool down, and find another time.
Good validating phrases/questions:
"That's got to be hard.
I think I might have felt the same way.
How did you feel about that?
What do you think might work?"
May 27, 2011
This book is a life-changer. I read it in bits and pieces and have tried to digest it and make it a part of who I am and how I respond to people. It has already changed the way I treat my children. I have a really long way to go...Something is better than nothing, I guess.
May 7, 2025
Helped me be a better person for the people around me and for myself.
May 15, 2016
Wow! This book just crossed my path for a moment, and I am so glad I took the time to read it. I am constantly feeling guilty either about not being able to help when I want to, or about being manipulated into helping when I don't want to help others solve their problems. And I know I need to work on being a better listener. This book addressed the issue of being a great listener, validating others, and keeping healthy boundaries in a respectful way.
The first section of the book introduces the principles with some real world examples so you understand them, and then the second section is all about application in different relationships. There are chapters for young children, teens, adult children, spouses, parents & in-laws, divorced and blended families, friends and on the job. Very helpful, and I will definitely revisit this book as my children grow!
My favorite parts and notes of things I want to remember:
The first section of the book introduces the principles with some real world examples so you understand them, and then the second section is all about application in different relationships. There are chapters for young children, teens, adult children, spouses, parents & in-laws, divorced and blended families, friends and on the job. Very helpful, and I will definitely revisit this book as my children grow!
My favorite parts and notes of things I want to remember:
August 4, 2020
I don’t have to make everything all better. All I have to do is listen!
Listening is hard to do. We want to jump in with the solution to the other person’s problem. It is amazing how we “know” what the other person “should” do, but if we end up with the same problem they had, we become as confused or witless as they were. Don’t prescribe, just listen.
Listening is so hard to do that here is a whole book on the topic.
Listening is so hard that this book gives six principles “that empower others to solve their own problems.”
“Validation is not a cure-all. It is a way to get some relief from carrying burdens that are not yours. It is a way to let people close to you carry their own responsibilities, while helping them feel loved by you to a far greater degree. (Introduction)
“...every person you see has the universal need to believe inside themselves that: I AM OF WORHT, MY FEELINGS MATTER, AND SOMEONE REALLY CARES ABOUT ME. It would be well to memorize this statement so you can recall it whenever anyone begins to share personal feelings with you.” (Chapter 1)
Contents
Part 1: The Principles
1. Be an effective validator
2. Leave the responsibility where it belongs
3. Acknowledge emotions
4. Develop the art of listening
5. Find the right time to teach
6. Learn the effective validating phrases and question
Part 2: The Application
Chapters illustrating validation in various setting follow
Conclusion
1. What is validation? “The ability to walk emotionally with another person ...”
2. What are the four rules of validation?
- LISTEN (by giving your full attention)
- LISTEN (to the feelings being expressed)
- LISTEN (to the needs being expressed)
- UNDERSTAND (by putting yourself in the other person’s shoes as best you can)
3. What is the universal need of every human being?
4. What is the underlying principle that allows a person to effectively validate someone else?
5. Where does the responsibility for someone’s problem lie?
6. What are the four key elements of effective boundary setting?
7. When is the right time to teach?
8 Give two good validating phrases and questions? (Page 266-267 of 272)
It is written with lots of anecdotes. At first that was a bit disappointing, and I gradually realized that is what most people relate to. After realizing that I began to quite enjoy the book. I even enjoyed the chapters in part 2 talking about settings that don’t apply to me.
I have the 1995 edition, which has the same ISBN as the 1999 edition, but is 272 pages long instead of 304 pages.
Listening is hard to do. We want to jump in with the solution to the other person’s problem. It is amazing how we “know” what the other person “should” do, but if we end up with the same problem they had, we become as confused or witless as they were. Don’t prescribe, just listen.
Listening is so hard to do that here is a whole book on the topic.
Listening is so hard that this book gives six principles “that empower others to solve their own problems.”
“Validation is not a cure-all. It is a way to get some relief from carrying burdens that are not yours. It is a way to let people close to you carry their own responsibilities, while helping them feel loved by you to a far greater degree. (Introduction)
“...every person you see has the universal need to believe inside themselves that: I AM OF WORHT, MY FEELINGS MATTER, AND SOMEONE REALLY CARES ABOUT ME. It would be well to memorize this statement so you can recall it whenever anyone begins to share personal feelings with you.” (Chapter 1)
Contents
Part 1: The Principles
1. Be an effective validator
2. Leave the responsibility where it belongs
3. Acknowledge emotions
4. Develop the art of listening
5. Find the right time to teach
6. Learn the effective validating phrases and question
Part 2: The Application
Chapters illustrating validation in various setting follow
Conclusion
1. What is validation? “The ability to walk emotionally with another person ...”
2. What are the four rules of validation?
- LISTEN (by giving your full attention)
- LISTEN (to the feelings being expressed)
- LISTEN (to the needs being expressed)
- UNDERSTAND (by putting yourself in the other person’s shoes as best you can)
3. What is the universal need of every human being?
4. What is the underlying principle that allows a person to effectively validate someone else?
5. Where does the responsibility for someone’s problem lie?
6. What are the four key elements of effective boundary setting?
7. When is the right time to teach?
8 Give two good validating phrases and questions? (Page 266-267 of 272)
It is written with lots of anecdotes. At first that was a bit disappointing, and I gradually realized that is what most people relate to. After realizing that I began to quite enjoy the book. I even enjoyed the chapters in part 2 talking about settings that don’t apply to me.
I have the 1995 edition, which has the same ISBN as the 1999 edition, but is 272 pages long instead of 304 pages.
March 29, 2023
I discovered this book at our local library’s used bookstore. Though unfamiliar to me, I immediately knew I had to get it because—far too often—I struggle with feeling like I need to fix things for people in my life.
And I’m glad I got it. This book is probably the most helpful book that I’ve ever read related to relationships in everyday life.
The wisdom it contains applies to every relationship, whether with your spouse, children, co-workers, parents, customers, or friends. I’ve already found just how helpful it has been to walk out this wisdom with my husband, who appreciates it a ton I’m sure!
Some chapters will not apply to everyone depending on life situation or season, but the practical ideas will apply in pretty much every relationship (except in abusive ones, get yourself to safety instead!)
The different chapters in part two focus on different relationships we may have in life. Though a bit repetitive, the included stories can inspire you to walk out the book’s advice.
The book is not inherently Christian, but the authors seem to be followers of Christ (based on examples shared and some of the language used) and the husband is a marriage and family therapist. Regardless, the practical help in this book shows us how to love others better, something that God calls us to do.
And I’m glad I got it. This book is probably the most helpful book that I’ve ever read related to relationships in everyday life.
The wisdom it contains applies to every relationship, whether with your spouse, children, co-workers, parents, customers, or friends. I’ve already found just how helpful it has been to walk out this wisdom with my husband, who appreciates it a ton I’m sure!
Some chapters will not apply to everyone depending on life situation or season, but the practical ideas will apply in pretty much every relationship (except in abusive ones, get yourself to safety instead!)
The different chapters in part two focus on different relationships we may have in life. Though a bit repetitive, the included stories can inspire you to walk out the book’s advice.
The book is not inherently Christian, but the authors seem to be followers of Christ (based on examples shared and some of the language used) and the husband is a marriage and family therapist. Regardless, the practical help in this book shows us how to love others better, something that God calls us to do.
June 27, 2021
Boek waarvan iedereen de inhoud zou moeten kennen en leren toepassen.
October 30, 2024
The first 5 chapters are wonderful, would recommend. Then it’s just repetitive. Could have been a pamphlet.
February 23, 2019
Lund’s ideas really resonated with me. I’ve been trying to be better about how I react to my kids (mis)behavior and this really helped me think how to stay calm and give them the validation they need.
December 4, 2023
Leerzame, lekker geschreven leerboeken, love it.
Nee maar serieus: waarom heb ik dit boek niet veel eerder gelezen? Ik heb er nogal een handje van om zowel privé als op werk andermans problemen mijn eigen problemen te maken, waardoor ik meer dan eens het gevoel heb te verdrinken als het me niet direct lukt wat vaak resulteert in negatieve gedachten over mezelf.
Dit boek geeft niet alleen een goede uitleg, met de vele voorbeelden geeft het me ook het gevoel dat ik niet alleen hierin ben. Dat het juist kan helpen als ik het mezelf dus niet meer zo lastig maak en duidelijke grenzen aangeef volgens de techniek van het valideren.
Het boek is fijn opgedeeld in een gedeelte waarin het alles uitlegt over valideren, waarnaar het verschillende scenario’s geeft waarbij je dit kan gebruiken. Denk aan een scheiding (en hertrouwen), bij kleine kinderen, pubers maar ook volwassen kinderen (waarin ik sommige dingen echt herkende, en het zeker waardeerde dat wij niet werden vergeten) en tijdens een vriendschap of werk. Het leest makkelijk weg, met een goede mix van uitleg en concrete voorbeelden. Ook fijn vond ik dat ze ook genoeg voorbeelden gaven over toen zij het zelf ook niet goed deden. Klinkt misschien gek, maar soms is het best fijn te lezen dat de zo goed als uitvinders hiervan het ook niet feilloos kunnen. Soms zitten je emoties gewoon heel hoog, maar dat is maar oké als je je daarna kan herpakken.
Oprecht een aanrader voor iedereen. Ik denk dat de wereld oprecht een stukje beter zou worden als we op deze manier naar elkaar zouden luisteren.
Nee maar serieus: waarom heb ik dit boek niet veel eerder gelezen? Ik heb er nogal een handje van om zowel privé als op werk andermans problemen mijn eigen problemen te maken, waardoor ik meer dan eens het gevoel heb te verdrinken als het me niet direct lukt wat vaak resulteert in negatieve gedachten over mezelf.
Dit boek geeft niet alleen een goede uitleg, met de vele voorbeelden geeft het me ook het gevoel dat ik niet alleen hierin ben. Dat het juist kan helpen als ik het mezelf dus niet meer zo lastig maak en duidelijke grenzen aangeef volgens de techniek van het valideren.
Het boek is fijn opgedeeld in een gedeelte waarin het alles uitlegt over valideren, waarnaar het verschillende scenario’s geeft waarbij je dit kan gebruiken. Denk aan een scheiding (en hertrouwen), bij kleine kinderen, pubers maar ook volwassen kinderen (waarin ik sommige dingen echt herkende, en het zeker waardeerde dat wij niet werden vergeten) en tijdens een vriendschap of werk. Het leest makkelijk weg, met een goede mix van uitleg en concrete voorbeelden. Ook fijn vond ik dat ze ook genoeg voorbeelden gaven over toen zij het zelf ook niet goed deden. Klinkt misschien gek, maar soms is het best fijn te lezen dat de zo goed als uitvinders hiervan het ook niet feilloos kunnen. Soms zitten je emoties gewoon heel hoog, maar dat is maar oké als je je daarna kan herpakken.
Oprecht een aanrader voor iedereen. Ik denk dat de wereld oprecht een stukje beter zou worden als we op deze manier naar elkaar zouden luisteren.
July 4, 2013
This is a fantastic book. I can't recommend it enough for "fixers" like me, who really do just want to make it all better. Practical advice that works to help heal relationships and to keep hurt feelings and misunderstandings at bay. I have begun to incorporate the principles espoused in this book and I can tell you they work beautifully. I believe reading this has saved my relationships with my daughters. I can't put it more strongly than that. Most times people want validation of their feelings, not advice or criticism. I know for me, when I go to someone for sympathy and to vent, and instead get "I told you so", or their own stories, it makes me resentful of not being heard. This book made me realize how often I do that as well, and it's past time for a change.
December 1, 2017
This book is almost 20 years old, slightly dated, and still relevant. I picked it up because I know I have a tendency to get caught up in others' problems, but I never realized how much I try to give advice when I should instead be listening and offering support. I'm not one of those people who sees others as slackers who want me to fix everything for them, but I do often want to give advice, which cuts short my attentive listening and can annoy whoever I'm talking to. This book gets a bit repetitive in its examples, and it would have been nice to have a bit more discussion of using the principles discussed with coworkers instead of customers/family, but still, it's thought-provoking and has already made me attempt to change how I interact with others.
May 8, 2017
This should be mandatory reading for every parent. Commonsense approach for learning to walk beside someone but not take on their issues. This is our 5th copy. We originally purchased this book in the late 1990's. We have given 4 copies away to friends and have had wonderful feedback. Just dealing with our adult children, we find we have to reread this to know how to support them emotionally but not solve their problems. Wish I had had this book while raising kids!!! Excellent! Truly a good read.
January 17, 2022
The book, “ I don’t have to make everything all better” revolves around the topic of validation, it teaches ways to respond to people's problems in a healthy and understanding approach. The book features six principles - Be an effective validator, Leave responsibility where it belongs, Acknowledge Emotions, Develop the Art of Listening These lessons are often employed in counseling whenever family or friend incorporates a problem and is soliciting for help. This book will significantly strengthen and enhance your relationship with the people around you.
Chapter 1: Be an Effective
Date: 11/29/2021
Being an effective validator is the first principle you may take away from this book. The author treads the importance of validation and aspects of making a good confirmation. He explains that the main key to letting a person express their emotion is understanding the their sentiments. Another aspect to consider is assisting them in solving their own obstacle. Reading this is a big eye opener for me, I’m the kind of person who always steps in and always tries to solve someones problem, and reading this has made me realised that what I’m doing is not quite right. It also has opened my eyes to reality that not everyone’s problem is one that we can solve.
Chapter 2: Leave Responsibility Where it Belongs
Date: 11/29/2021
The second principle is to leave responsibility where it belongs. This chapter of the book teaches us that we are not responsible with the problems of others. The author also states that it’s normal to help out other people who are in a pinch especially if they are someone close to you however, the author emphasizes that the people don’t actually want assistance with their problems but rather someone who they can vent out their problems to. This is so true and relatable, I often try to figure a solution with someones problem but now I know this is wrong.
Chapter 3: Acknowledge Emotions
Date: 11/29/2021
Third, acknowledge a person's feelings. Emotions, according to the author, can have an impact on our physical - well being. The author emphasizes that it’s important to observe and determine someones mental state especially when it comes to conseling. He claims that the best time to teach someone is when they are not agitated or in the middle of anything. This is due to the fact that they are not in the mood to be lectured or taught. I can totally relate to this from a first person perspective, not only does anger mess up your thinking but it closes your mind totally to what anyone has to say.
Chapter 4: Develop the Art of Listening
Date: 11/29/2021
The fourth step is to improve your listening skills. The author portrays listening as an art form and ephasizes on the skills required to master it. He explained that digesting knowledge is necessary so that you can fully comprehend what an individual is trying to convey. He also mentioned not interrupting someone else's conversation, and that this is a must if you want to be a good listener because it is disrespectful. With these suggestions, you'll be able to effortlessly provide relief to someone who is looking for validation. Personally I’m the type of person who likes to listen to, business and lectures related. But when it comes to unrelated conversations I tend to avoid them before they even start, and too be honest I think that if we can avoid certain conversations in a proper manner then there’s absolutely nothing wrong with it but if you avoid lectures that will help you in the near future then you might aswell call yourself ignorant.
Chapter 5: Find the right time to teach
Date: 11/29/2021
Fifth, figure out when is the best moment to teach. Not every moment is a good one, according to the author. There are times when a person is in a bad mood, and trying to instruct someone will just tend to aggreviation. The author treads that we should be weary of a person’s state because if one person's mood is distorted or aggreviated. Then He/ She won't be able to understand anything you say throughout that period. No matter how much of an active listener you are, we cannot avoid being in an aggravated state. I often experience this, and no matter how much you try to listen if you’re aggravated or distracted by tasks or anything alike, words will just pass through your ear and out the other.
Chapter 6: Learn the effective validating phrases and questions
Date: 11/29/2021
Lastly,, understand how to use validating statements and questions effectively. The author states that validation, the art of recognizing another person's beliefs, feelings, perceptions, and behavior. He followed up with appropriate validating comments and questions such as "that's had to be difficult." I'm quite sure I felt the same way. What were your thoughts about that? This can greatly help when it comes making other people comfortable in your validation and nonetheless strengthen you and their relationship.
Conclusion:
11/30/2021
This book has not only taught me how to understand others but also myself and my lacks when it comes to validation. The art of recognizing one’s mental state, determening whether it’s a good time of validating. The art of leaving responsibility where it belongs, realizing that not everyone’s problem can be solved or should be solved. Lastly, the art of listening, the ability to take in what someone is trying to convey to you and not disrespectfully ending conversations. This book is one that everyone must read, not only has this opened my eyes but also made me realize the importance of validation.
Chapter 1: Be an Effective
Date: 11/29/2021
Being an effective validator is the first principle you may take away from this book. The author treads the importance of validation and aspects of making a good confirmation. He explains that the main key to letting a person express their emotion is understanding the their sentiments. Another aspect to consider is assisting them in solving their own obstacle. Reading this is a big eye opener for me, I’m the kind of person who always steps in and always tries to solve someones problem, and reading this has made me realised that what I’m doing is not quite right. It also has opened my eyes to reality that not everyone’s problem is one that we can solve.
Chapter 2: Leave Responsibility Where it Belongs
Date: 11/29/2021
The second principle is to leave responsibility where it belongs. This chapter of the book teaches us that we are not responsible with the problems of others. The author also states that it’s normal to help out other people who are in a pinch especially if they are someone close to you however, the author emphasizes that the people don’t actually want assistance with their problems but rather someone who they can vent out their problems to. This is so true and relatable, I often try to figure a solution with someones problem but now I know this is wrong.
Chapter 3: Acknowledge Emotions
Date: 11/29/2021
Third, acknowledge a person's feelings. Emotions, according to the author, can have an impact on our physical - well being. The author emphasizes that it’s important to observe and determine someones mental state especially when it comes to conseling. He claims that the best time to teach someone is when they are not agitated or in the middle of anything. This is due to the fact that they are not in the mood to be lectured or taught. I can totally relate to this from a first person perspective, not only does anger mess up your thinking but it closes your mind totally to what anyone has to say.
Chapter 4: Develop the Art of Listening
Date: 11/29/2021
The fourth step is to improve your listening skills. The author portrays listening as an art form and ephasizes on the skills required to master it. He explained that digesting knowledge is necessary so that you can fully comprehend what an individual is trying to convey. He also mentioned not interrupting someone else's conversation, and that this is a must if you want to be a good listener because it is disrespectful. With these suggestions, you'll be able to effortlessly provide relief to someone who is looking for validation. Personally I’m the type of person who likes to listen to, business and lectures related. But when it comes to unrelated conversations I tend to avoid them before they even start, and too be honest I think that if we can avoid certain conversations in a proper manner then there’s absolutely nothing wrong with it but if you avoid lectures that will help you in the near future then you might aswell call yourself ignorant.
Chapter 5: Find the right time to teach
Date: 11/29/2021
Fifth, figure out when is the best moment to teach. Not every moment is a good one, according to the author. There are times when a person is in a bad mood, and trying to instruct someone will just tend to aggreviation. The author treads that we should be weary of a person’s state because if one person's mood is distorted or aggreviated. Then He/ She won't be able to understand anything you say throughout that period. No matter how much of an active listener you are, we cannot avoid being in an aggravated state. I often experience this, and no matter how much you try to listen if you’re aggravated or distracted by tasks or anything alike, words will just pass through your ear and out the other.
Chapter 6: Learn the effective validating phrases and questions
Date: 11/29/2021
Lastly,, understand how to use validating statements and questions effectively. The author states that validation, the art of recognizing another person's beliefs, feelings, perceptions, and behavior. He followed up with appropriate validating comments and questions such as "that's had to be difficult." I'm quite sure I felt the same way. What were your thoughts about that? This can greatly help when it comes making other people comfortable in your validation and nonetheless strengthen you and their relationship.
Conclusion:
11/30/2021
This book has not only taught me how to understand others but also myself and my lacks when it comes to validation. The art of recognizing one’s mental state, determening whether it’s a good time of validating. The art of leaving responsibility where it belongs, realizing that not everyone’s problem can be solved or should be solved. Lastly, the art of listening, the ability to take in what someone is trying to convey to you and not disrespectfully ending conversations. This book is one that everyone must read, not only has this opened my eyes but also made me realize the importance of validation.
July 9, 2008
I am learning how to respond to husband, friends, family
when they ask for advice that you don't do a put-down but instead a validation. It is okay to start out using the words: how, what, when, where, do and is, but do not use why.
Then you ask them if they can think of an idea that would solve the problem. It even works on children.
when they ask for advice that you don't do a put-down but instead a validation. It is okay to start out using the words: how, what, when, where, do and is, but do not use why.
Then you ask them if they can think of an idea that would solve the problem. It even works on children.
January 19, 2018
This book was a complete perspective-changer for me. It gave me tools to set boundaries that I have been wanting to set for a long time. For some it may be overly simple or not broad enough, but for me it came at just the right time (recommended from an amazing friend) and gave me just what I needed. Very clear examples of how to practice the principles that are taught.
August 6, 2022
I just finished reading “I Don’t Have to Make Everything All Better” by Gary and Joy Lundberg.
Quick Take: I really enjoyed the premise (It’s not my job to solve others' problems), but I should have only read the chapters that applied to me.
Longer Take:
This is the 3rd book my wife & I have read by Gary & Joy Lundberg. Previously we read “Because We Love Our Marriage” and “Love That Lasts.”
We read this together, but to be honest, I picked this book for myself. The premise of “I Don’t Have to Make Everything All Better” is that we can’t solve anyone else’s problems. Our job is only to listen, understand and validate. I’m horrible at this. We’ve been married for over 20 years and still jump right to solutions whenever Marty comes to me with a problem.
“I’m frustrated with my co-worker.” / “You should quit.”
“I’m cold.” / “So, put on a sweater.”
“There was so much construction it made me late.” / “I guess you should probably leave earlier.”
“I’m feeling very anxious about…” / “Well, you should just…”
So, this book was perfect for me. Although I still stink at it, the biggest lesson for me is that instead of offering a solution, say: “How can I help you? Is there something I can do for you? Is there something you need? Is there something you would like me to do? I would like to be of help; what can I do? Would it help if I did …?”
I genuinely want to be a good listener, and I’m sure if I can internalize these lessons, I will be a better husband, father, and friend.
I’m sure none of you are as flawed as I am, but if you also suffer from “solutionitis” I’d definitely give “I Don’t Have to Make Everything All Better” a shot.
Some of My Favourite Quotes:
“For some reason, we believe either it is our moral responsibility to fix everything and everybody or that everybody believes it is our moral responsibility to solve their problems.”
“Validation is not a cure-all. It is a way to get some relief from carrying the burdens that are not yours. It is a way to let people close to your carry their own responsibilities, while helping them feel loved by you to a far greater degree.”
“…the universal need within each of us to truly believe that I am of worth, me feelings matter, and someone really cares about me.”
“…the principle of validation … is based on the personal understanding that you are acceptable the way you are.”
“We automatically think that when someone brings up a problem, we must immediately solve it for them. In fact, as the person is sharing a problem with us, rather than listening fully, our minds are racing ahead to find solutions for them.”
“When you validate others, you are free of the burden of needing to solve the other person’s problems, allowing you to give your full attention to what is being said.”
Four basic rules of Validation: (1) Listen to what is being said, (2) Listen to the feelings being expressed, (3) Listen to the needs being expressed, (4) Understand by empathising as best you can.
“Two of the greatest principles I have learned are: (1) I do not have the power to make anything all better for anybody. (2) I am not responsible for solving the problems of everybody else.”
“One of the greatest compliments you can give another person is your complete attention.”
“We want the best for our spouse and too often do everything in our power to make things all better for her. In fact, we feel duty bound to do it. This is what gets in the way of validating the one person we love more than anyone else, and we usually end up creating a greater problem for them rather than solving one.”
“It is important to be able to freely express what is going on inside of you to a listening and caring person without fear of criticism, and there is no better person to fill that role than your spouse.”
“There is nothing quite so demeaning and unfulfilling as having a friend tell you what you “should” do or “ought” to do about the things you are experiencing. True friendship means you listen without giving advice. … If you are thinking of solutions to her problems while she is sharing her feelings and thoughts with you, then you are not giving her your full attention.”
www.lookforthegood.me
Quick Take: I really enjoyed the premise (It’s not my job to solve others' problems), but I should have only read the chapters that applied to me.
Longer Take:
This is the 3rd book my wife & I have read by Gary & Joy Lundberg. Previously we read “Because We Love Our Marriage” and “Love That Lasts.”
We read this together, but to be honest, I picked this book for myself. The premise of “I Don’t Have to Make Everything All Better” is that we can’t solve anyone else’s problems. Our job is only to listen, understand and validate. I’m horrible at this. We’ve been married for over 20 years and still jump right to solutions whenever Marty comes to me with a problem.
“I’m frustrated with my co-worker.” / “You should quit.”
“I’m cold.” / “So, put on a sweater.”
“There was so much construction it made me late.” / “I guess you should probably leave earlier.”
“I’m feeling very anxious about…” / “Well, you should just…”
So, this book was perfect for me. Although I still stink at it, the biggest lesson for me is that instead of offering a solution, say: “How can I help you? Is there something I can do for you? Is there something you need? Is there something you would like me to do? I would like to be of help; what can I do? Would it help if I did …?”
I genuinely want to be a good listener, and I’m sure if I can internalize these lessons, I will be a better husband, father, and friend.
I’m sure none of you are as flawed as I am, but if you also suffer from “solutionitis” I’d definitely give “I Don’t Have to Make Everything All Better” a shot.
Some of My Favourite Quotes:
“For some reason, we believe either it is our moral responsibility to fix everything and everybody or that everybody believes it is our moral responsibility to solve their problems.”
“Validation is not a cure-all. It is a way to get some relief from carrying the burdens that are not yours. It is a way to let people close to your carry their own responsibilities, while helping them feel loved by you to a far greater degree.”
“…the universal need within each of us to truly believe that I am of worth, me feelings matter, and someone really cares about me.”
“…the principle of validation … is based on the personal understanding that you are acceptable the way you are.”
“We automatically think that when someone brings up a problem, we must immediately solve it for them. In fact, as the person is sharing a problem with us, rather than listening fully, our minds are racing ahead to find solutions for them.”
“When you validate others, you are free of the burden of needing to solve the other person’s problems, allowing you to give your full attention to what is being said.”
Four basic rules of Validation: (1) Listen to what is being said, (2) Listen to the feelings being expressed, (3) Listen to the needs being expressed, (4) Understand by empathising as best you can.
“Two of the greatest principles I have learned are: (1) I do not have the power to make anything all better for anybody. (2) I am not responsible for solving the problems of everybody else.”
“One of the greatest compliments you can give another person is your complete attention.”
“We want the best for our spouse and too often do everything in our power to make things all better for her. In fact, we feel duty bound to do it. This is what gets in the way of validating the one person we love more than anyone else, and we usually end up creating a greater problem for them rather than solving one.”
“It is important to be able to freely express what is going on inside of you to a listening and caring person without fear of criticism, and there is no better person to fill that role than your spouse.”
“There is nothing quite so demeaning and unfulfilling as having a friend tell you what you “should” do or “ought” to do about the things you are experiencing. True friendship means you listen without giving advice. … If you are thinking of solutions to her problems while she is sharing her feelings and thoughts with you, then you are not giving her your full attention.”
www.lookforthegood.me
September 19, 2024
The takeaway from this book is: don’t be insensitive. Listen instead of trying to fix problems that aren’t yours to fix. Don’t tell others how to live their lives. This book provides several examples and suggestions on how to formulate an appropriate response when people are upset about something. However, for me personally, the chapters on raising kids, divorce and remarriage weren’t particularly relevant (which might be extra relevant for other people).
Not a bad read, but maybe more suited for people who struggle to come across as sympathetic/empathic or to connect with people. For me personally, a lot of this book was stating the obvious.
(Also: if people are literally being mean to you, I don’t think you should ALWAYS be the bigger person. I think it’s human to not feel like being understanding in certain situations, especially if they’re reoccurring. Someone might treat you better after being patient, but I believe it is their job to not be an *sshat first and our own responsibility to not be a d*ckhead in return second. Not the other way around. This is not the main focus of the book, but I feel like addressing it anyway, since it seems I don’t see eye to eye with the author in that respect.)
(Also: In the Dutch translation ‘je heeft’ is written on three to four occasions (the equivalent of ‘you has’). I wonder what the translator was on and how an editor could have missed that.)
Not a bad read, but maybe more suited for people who struggle to come across as sympathetic/empathic or to connect with people. For me personally, a lot of this book was stating the obvious.
(Also: if people are literally being mean to you, I don’t think you should ALWAYS be the bigger person. I think it’s human to not feel like being understanding in certain situations, especially if they’re reoccurring. Someone might treat you better after being patient, but I believe it is their job to not be an *sshat first and our own responsibility to not be a d*ckhead in return second. Not the other way around. This is not the main focus of the book, but I feel like addressing it anyway, since it seems I don’t see eye to eye with the author in that respect.)
(Also: In the Dutch translation ‘je heeft’ is written on three to four occasions (the equivalent of ‘you has’). I wonder what the translator was on and how an editor could have missed that.)
December 20, 2022
I read this book to try to help myself figure out why I always feel the need to be helpful to everyone, even when they aren't asking for it, but more in physical sense, but this was more about being a good listener which is actually not a problem I have.
I'm more of a "someone is having a hard time figuring out why their printer isn't working and I'm the first to jump up and offer to help them fix it" or a "even though I don't know this person that well, I'm going to give them this gift because I like giving people things" type of person.
As in I help too much, I'm a giver by nature and I was trying to figure out why I feel the need to be constantly helpful and reliable, this book did not help with that.
However I did learn some more listening techniques, and how to be better in conversation when listening and validating people feelings, so it wasn't a complete waste.
Just keep in mind that this is an older book and is also told through a lens of an obviously religious person.
I'm more of a "someone is having a hard time figuring out why their printer isn't working and I'm the first to jump up and offer to help them fix it" or a "even though I don't know this person that well, I'm going to give them this gift because I like giving people things" type of person.
As in I help too much, I'm a giver by nature and I was trying to figure out why I feel the need to be constantly helpful and reliable, this book did not help with that.
However I did learn some more listening techniques, and how to be better in conversation when listening and validating people feelings, so it wasn't a complete waste.
Just keep in mind that this is an older book and is also told through a lens of an obviously religious person.
February 7, 2020
I was surprised at how much I liked this book. Reading it was obligatory for book club, and I’m not usually a “self-help” type book-lover. But I gave it a chance for book club and was pleasantly surprised. This book doesn’t present any new concepts, but the way it explains them makes so much sense. It is practical and applicable and makes you want to apply the principles right away, because I want to be listened to and understood as well! I thought it was very freeing to be told I’m not responsible for others’ problems, and also very humbling for when I’ve tried to solve others’ problems when I should have been listening. I thought it had a good amount of examples to see how it applies, and although there was quite a bit of repetition, it wasn’t annoyingly done. I liked the chapters of how to validate and listen to the many people and relationships we have in our lives. It’s also not a very long book which was a good thing.
I would recommend this book to everyone.
I would recommend this book to everyone.
July 22, 2024
Another book assigned by my boss. Let me start with this: it's not a Beth book, so unless it was stunning, it would never get higher than 3 stars from me. I feel a lot of these books could be done better as articles, and this was no exception. A lot of this was pretty repetitive. Since it was assigned to me to read for my job, a lot of parts didn't apply (dealing with divorced parents, dealing with my children, etc.). The parts that were applicable to my job were good, and I did learn some things that I'm trying to incorporate into my life. However, I found a lot of this outdated and a little too religiously focused. And also, it would have been better as an article. I also didn't appreciate how the authors used examples of how using their techniques solved everything. I mean, I know that's how they sell their concepts, but a lot of the examples they used shouldn't have had a 100% success rate, so I can see being frustrated when the concepts don't pan out as hoped every single time.
December 9, 2024
My feelings on this book are complicated. I LOVED all the practical advice on how to stop trying to fix people and solve their problems. It was exactly what I was looking for! However, listening to the book with all its heteronormativity and traditionalism I thought it must have been written in the 80s. I was truly shocked to see how recently it came out. So the author and I clearly have very different worldviews. There was also a lot of content expressing the disappointment of grown “children” leaving their families’ faith traditions (regardless of their validity and helpfulness) and to hope for and encourage them to come back. This was super unhelpful and unappealing to me. In most cases I would still highly recommend this book because of the tools offered but I have friends and family for whom it would be a very uncomfortable or offensive read.
October 25, 2020
Really liked the first chapter in which Lundberg explains his ideas on empowerment. Appreciated the next couple of chapters as well, but then I realized the remainder of the book was simply applying the same principles in different situations. Sometimes it was worthwhile, but more often it was either so obvious that it was unnecessary, or else it was enough of a stretch that I thought there were better ways to handle the situation.
My advice? Read the first 20% of the book to understand his ideas and how he applies them in different scenarios, then think through the rest yourself. You'll better for the thought exercise.
My advice? Read the first 20% of the book to understand his ideas and how he applies them in different scenarios, then think through the rest yourself. You'll better for the thought exercise.
March 3, 2019
This was such a breath of fresh air. Just listen. Listen and validate.
This book is older and I assumed it would be full of manipulation, but it wasn't. Until you get to the chapters on children (who "learn to manipulate early") and blended families. Other than that, the theory chapters were wonderful and I wonder how I went so many years not having read it. I will be remembering his phrases and questions. I am already able to integrate this into my communication with others. And I have added it to my own communication sessions.
This book is older and I assumed it would be full of manipulation, but it wasn't. Until you get to the chapters on children (who "learn to manipulate early") and blended families. Other than that, the theory chapters were wonderful and I wonder how I went so many years not having read it. I will be remembering his phrases and questions. I am already able to integrate this into my communication with others. And I have added it to my own communication sessions.
February 24, 2020
Quick read, with pretty simple concepts. I liked how they provided chapters specific to certain relationships (co-worker, parents, children, blended families, etc). There is a Christian undertone throughout, with references to morals, prayer and at one point the Bible is suggested as an additional reference. This book is more for people who are new to holding boundaries and the concept of validation. I was hoping this would be more focused on how to alleviate the feeling of being responsible to help anyone who needs it; this book is more focused on how to redirect conversations.
February 23, 2021
This was given to me by a friend when I took on some new leadership responsibilities at my church. I found it an enjoyable read with, as promised, practical principles. Clear examples of everyday situations also helped to visualize how to use validation and support to help others solve their own problems.
These are not new ideas, I don't even think they were new when this was written in the 1990s, so it may feel like a repeat of other books. That said, I would still recommend it to everyone. Putting these principles into practice can improve any relationship.
These are not new ideas, I don't even think they were new when this was written in the 1990s, so it may feel like a repeat of other books. That said, I would still recommend it to everyone. Putting these principles into practice can improve any relationship.
November 6, 2020
I wish I had known about this book 18 years ago! My parenting would have been so different! Luckily, the principles taught in this book not only apply to small children, but teenagers, adult children, spouses, aging parents, friends, and co-workers! I have learned the importance of listening and validating others, letting them talk and figure out their own solutions to problems. There are very relatable examples and suggestions throughout this book!
April 2, 2024
I wish I had known of this book when my family was young. Though some of the information is repetitive, it is wonderful repetitiveness. The information is easy to see as critical in relationships, especially after experiencing much of life before you read it. My daughter gave me this when an older woman at a yard sale handed it to her and told her everyone should read it. She was right. Highly recommend.
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