Running Is a Kind of Dreaming: A Memoir

by J.M. Thompson

A powerful, breathtaking memoir about a young man's descent into madness, and how running saved his life.

“Voluntary or involuntary?” Asked the nurse who admitted Thompson to a San Francisco psychiatric hospital in January 2005.

For years, Thompson had been tortured by his mind. First there was depression, then ineffective but highly addictive medication, and finally therapy, where he fell further into an inescapable darkness. After a suicide attempt, he spent weeks confined on the psych ward, feeling alone and trapped. One afternoon, during an exercise break on the hospital rooftop basketball court, he experienced a sudden urge. Run, I thought. Run before it’s too late and you’re stuck down here. Right now. Run.    

 The impulse that starts with sprints across a hospital rooftop turns into all-night runs in the  mountains. Through motion and immersion in the perfection of nature, Thompson finds a way out of the hell of depression and drug addiction. Step by step, mile by mile, his body and mind heal.

In this lyrical, vulnerable, and breath-taking debut memoir, J.M. Thompson, now a successful psychologist, retraces the path that led him from despair to wellness, detailing the chilling childhood trauma that caused his mind to snap and sink, and the unorthodox treatment that finally saved him. Running Is A Kind Of Dreaming is a luminous literary testament to the universal human capacity to recover from our deepest wounds.

Genres: Memoir, Nonfiction, Sports, Mental Health, Biography, Mental Illness, Audiobook

320 pages, Hardcover

First published October 5, 2021

About the author

J.M. Thompson was born in England. He holds a BA in English literature from Oxford University and a doctorate in clinical psychology. He completed his psychology training at the University of California, San Francisco, where he conducted research on the brain mechanisms of meditation and the physiology of trauma. He is also an ordained Zen practitioner and certified yoga teacher. He has finished over 40 ultramarathons, and multiple solo adventure runs in the Sierra Nevada, the Grand Canyon, and Death Valley. Thompson currently serves as a staff psychologist at the United States Department of Veterans Affairs. He lives in San Francisco with his wife and two children.

Reviews

[Juliana Philippa · Rating 4 out of 5]

There is a path ahead of me. Nothing is ever altogether lost. There is a ground beneath us that never goes away.

HarperCollins sure got their targeting right when they emailed me the promo for this book two days ago. It was like HC knew that I've been in the midst of a dark depressive episode for over a year (my 13th and longest by far) and had just a few days before started contemplating running in order to try to lose some of the weight I've put on from psychiatric medications. And tada! Here it was: a book about mental illness and running! And a memoir to boot!! I was ready to be inspired. I didn't even finish reading the entire email—I automatically went to the Kindle page, hovered for about a second, and then purchased it (and I normally don't purchase Kindle books unless they're in the $0.99-$2.99 sale range ... as in I have maybe purchased 5-10 regularly-priced Kindle books ever, this one included. I may own thousands of Kindle books, but I'm a print book girl at heart and that's where I like to spend my book money).

The book is eminently readable (if my finishing it in 3 days didn't clue you in), though certainly difficult at times and full of triggers for a variety of people (drugs, mental illness, abusive/neglectful parents, trauma). The backdrop is a 205-mile run around Lake Tahoe that Thompson is completing in 4 days, and interspersed with the tale of that run is his childhood, his descent into depression, his drug abuse, and his ultimate triumph over his demons—and the long and slow slog it took to get there. I couldn't help smiling when I would read the parts of his mindset while he was running, looking forward to seeing his wife and children at different aid stations, knowing that he was in such a different place from the setting we kept going back to.

What do you call the place where the sun feels really hot and the creek feels really cold and food tastes really good and your loved ones feel so precious you want to weep with joy? Reality.

And that's it for now, I've run out of steam, no pun intended. There's so much more I wanted to write, but depression is a bitch—as this book so successfully shows—I'll try to finish up another day.

[Stephanie’s Libby Antics · Rating 4 out of 5]

I did not realize people ran for multiple days on end without stopping for more than 1-2 hours to sleep 😮

I’ll try to remember that when I next attempt 3 km

[Wendy · Rating 5 out of 5]

I received a PRC from NetGalley and the publisher in exchange for my review.
As he runs a 200+mile ultramarathon around Lake Tahoe, the author chronicles his traumatic childhood and his descent into depression, substance abuse, and psychosis. This memoir doesn't hold back and I found myself rooting for the author, both on the trail and off. He says running saved his life. I have no doubt. Beautiful writing makes this a great read for runners and non-runners.

[Kelly · Rating 4 out of 5]

Thank you to NetGalley and the publisher for providing this book in exchange for an honest review.
Nature, ultra running, mental illness, healing from trauma. This book has it all. Nature is always good therapy and Thompson got the urge to start running and realized it was very good for not only his physical health but his mental health too.
Enjoyable book that takes the reader on quite a journey.

[Chris Gire · Rating 4 out of 5]

The first few chapters of this book resonated with something deep inside of me. If you are a runner who uses running as a type of mental cleansing you will connect early on with this book. If you have had contact with mental illness and understand how frustrating it is to those enduring it and those watching it, you will also likely connect with the book early on. “Madness disrupts something much more fundamental, the very medium in which things like air and water show up to us: consciousness. That is why there are no words for madness. Madness disrupts the foundation of communicability that language presupposes. And that is why it hurts so much. Your suffering is incommunicable, so you suffer it alone.”

The next excerpt to me represents how running is like life…abandon clinging to attachments. Be brave. Fear of failure and fear of loss cause us to hold on to what was never, or not yet, ours. The finish line is ahead, maybe he gets there, maybe not, what he has now is the step he’s taking. Keep going. Ryan Hall’s book is titled “Run the Mile You’re In” and this is profoundly true universally in running and in life. This quote drums up the same truth.

“The trick is to abandon any attachment to getting anywhere and just put your head down and March up the mountain, grunting. Ugh, ugh, ugh, I go, trudging uphill in the dark.”

I commend the author for his journey and appreciate his story.

[Kira Thompson Carr · Rating 4 out of 5]

Hooooly cow. That book was a serious trip. I was expecting a corny and optimistic memoir about how running is just so dang fun, but instead I got a heart-rending exploration of mental health struggles, addiction, identity, and forgiveness. Some discussion of suicide and self harm could be triggering to some readers, but I think most would benefit from his poetic but candid memoir.

[Jenn · Rating 3 out of 5]

This isn't the point of the book, but I couldn't shake feeling sad for his wife. Reading between the lines, it seems like a lonely marriage. He is first consumed by substances/depression/psychosis, then working long hours in graduate school and spending all of free time running or meditating.

[Nichole · Rating 3 out of 5]

Enjoyed the writing but found myself skipping the sections of his childhood since they weren’t interesting to me. A lot going on with going back and forth from the past, present, and talks of psychological terms and planetary references.
I did appreciate his raw honesty and deep dive into mental illness. I also liked the descriptions of Lake Tahoe and how running makes him feel since I can relate to that. I sense some privilege here that’s not discussed and I can’t help but think that his wife is the real hero here..

[Katrina · Rating 4 out of 5]

As a distance runner myself, I understand using running as therapy. Thompson’s memoir goes beyond anything I’ve ever experienced. His story of dealing with and overcoming trauma, depression, and addiction is beautifully written.

[Greg Janicki · Rating 5 out of 5]

Read it.

[Erin Nielsen · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was much different than what I expected, but beautifully and poetically written. This candid memoir was a raw and emotional exploration of the authors trauma, mental health, addiction, and identity. While also finding the joy of ultrarunning and being in nature as part of the healing journey.

[Dillon Allen-Perez · Rating 4 out of 5]

8/10

Reading about J.M. Thompson’s accomplishments and present life, you’d think he has plenty to brag about. He’s a well-educated psychologist, a physically fit ultramarathon runner, an ordained Zen practitioner, he’s married and has two children. He doesn’t do any bragging in this book, though.

Running is a Kind of Dreaming explores the cosmic range of human emotion. Mostly, Thompson drags the reader through the depths of trauma, depression, addiction, and suicidal thought. He tells us the reality that prefaced his return to the lighter side of life, with his own happily ever after.

This memoir is well written. It’s so well written that it’s hard to read through the long passages of hard drug use. It’s vivid in each moment. Thompson refuses to hold back. He paints an intricate image of the highs and lows of human experience—the mundane, cosmic joys felt after emerging from the unbearable, imploding depressions. Distance running is both a refuge from and a metaphor for this human struggle: “The trick is to abandon any attachment to getting anywhere and just put your head down and march up the mountain, grunting.”

Albert Camus (translated here by Justin O’Brien) once wrote that “[t]here is but one truly serious philosophical problem, and that is suicide. Judging whether life is or is not worth living amounts to answering the fundamental question of philosophy. All the rest—whether or not the world has three dimensions, whether the mind has nine or twelve categories—comes afterwards.” I could use this quote in the context of analyzing J.M. Thomspon’s memoir to say that he is a philosopher to the most fundamental degree, or that he is even more so a philosopher than a psychologist, runner, or Zen master. However, I don’t believe philosophical questions are only faced by formal philosophers who have earned some kind of name for themselves by writing down their thoughts. Every single human being has their own philosophy, as every single human faces at least one philosophical problem, and it is life and death.

By the end of his memoir, Thompson illustrates how he just may be a revolutionary force in helping the field of clinical psychology with its approach to treating patients dealing with their mental health. Here’s a passage that should be read by psychology students and experienced clinical practitioners alike:

“The conventional wisdom used to be that in order for therapy to work, therapists needed to function as ‘blank slates’ upon which patients could project their longings, needs, and fantasies without the interference of knowing their therapists’ actual biographies. But the blank slate is a myth: therapists can’t avoid disclosing aspects of their identities automatically, for no other reason than their existence is embodied in directly observable features like ethnicity and age. Yet the de facto prohibition against therapist self-disclosure persists, in large part I believe because of stigma, and perhaps an overidentification by therapists in a ‘helper’ role and corresponding anxieties around any concessions to their own experiences of human vulnerability. I believe it’s time as a society that we move forward to a more honest and open dialogue about the reality of mental health. Removing stigma won’t eliminate mental illness, but it will make it easier to talk about it without adding an extra dose of shame to an already painful experience. Nobody wants the therapist who responds to the patient’s story by saying, ‘Well, you think you’ve got problems . . .’ The point of therapy is to heal the patient, not the doctor. But I don’t believe that any harm can come from greater clinician self-disclosure within appropriate circumstances. To the contrary, perhaps clinicians could model a compassionate and nonjudgmental attitude about mental illness by giving voice to their own experiences.”

[I received a free copy of this book from the publisher in exchange for a review]

[CatReader · Rating 3 out of 5]

Mixed feelings on this memoir. I applaud the author for sharing his personal and familial history with mental illness despite his work and reputation as a psychologist -- he is (unfortunately) correct that disclosing any history of mental illness when you work in healthcare can be stigmatizing and potentially career-threatning. He's certainly overcome a lot in his life and writes with a lot of humility despite his many accomplishments. On the other hand, I found the narrative style of the work perplexing -- all the flipping back and forth in time, and all the suspenseful buildup of what trauma he had incurred during childhood that he spent decades suppressing and running away from, only to be let down with the eventual "reveal." While the author and his story certainly don't come across as pretentious, the narrative style flirts with pretention quite a bit.

[Emily Mellow · Rating 5 out of 5]

I almost didn't read it, after starting it and discovering it was about the author's descent into madness. I wanted a book on running, not a book on the far reaches of mental illness. But his writing is good, and I kept going. There is enough about running to keep my running ear piqued as well.
Anyway, it's a well written memoir, and the running bits are almost inspirational... even if it did have me questioning whether ultrarunners may be a special breed of narcissist, with all the care they require of others while practicing their sport. At least some of them.

[Mary · Rating 5 out of 5]

When we first meet Mr. Thompson he is happily preparing to run 200 miles around Lake Tahoe with the support of his loving wife and daughter. As he runs he takes us back in time and tells us how he got here to this punishing and exhilarating 200 mile run, one of many 200 miles runs.
The severe depression that brought him here is shattering. I’ve been depressed. We all have. For many of us it, fortunately comes and goes. To picture a Thompson curled into his wife’s lap in a fetal position crying his eyes out repeating, “I can’t, I can’t” is heartbreaking. At her insistence he finally gets serious help and admits himself into hospital, where he has the epiphany one night. “RUN” said his inner survival voice. So run he does. From running laps around the hospital roof to running 200 mile ultramarathons Thompson regains his spirit, mind and a full life through movement. It is during this long runs that he enters a dreamlike state that allows him to process his past, childhood to present and become at peace.
Thompson reminds us that only we can save ourselves. Yes, sometimes that includes medication and therapy, sometimes it means divorcing, cutting ties with toxic people, leaving a job or place too…but it always involves tuning in to our inner voice that wants to save us. Survival the natural instinct of all animals, humans included. Listen to that survival voice for guidance.
Thank you #netgalley for allowing me to read and review #RunningIsAKindOfDreaming

[Sara Broad · Rating 5 out of 5]

"Running is a Kind of Dreaming" by J.M. Thompson is a memoir of the author's life, specifically how running saved his life. The book opens with the beginning stage of a 200 mile run that Thompson is doing around Lake Tahoe, and the ensuing chapters go back and forth between different stages in the run and other parts of Thompson's life. I wasn't sure how much I was going to enjoy reading about Thompson's participation in the race, but it fits in really well with the rest of the book, and by the end, I am rooting for him to finish when he doesn't want to go on anymore! Thompson is born and raised in the U.K., and on a whim, he decides to attend the Burning Man Festival where he meets his wife and ultimately becomes a California transplant. His childhood is scarred by the mental and emotional unraveling of his parents, and the trauma he experiences as a result of this is a catalyst for his own unraveling as a husband and a father. Thompson spends years being incapacitated by severe depression coupled with drug and alcohol addiction. Through it all, though, he finds solace and strength in running, and eventually establishes a career for himself as a psychologist. I couldn't put this book down!

[Mary Anna · Rating 4 out of 5]

The story flowed very well between Dr. Thompsons 200 mile run and his life experiences. He told his story in a very engaging way, and reading this during a very difficult time in my life, going through the grief of losing my younger sister in a car accident, definitely provided a different perspective than if I would have read it at a different time. I didn't realize when I decided to read the book that it was about ultramarathon running, and as someone who has only run as far as a half marathon, it was fascinating to learn about this style of running. I really enjoyed the poetic nature of his writing as well - I love when people don't follow to typical rules of prose to get the story across. It helped me to truly visualize his experiences being yelled at by his mother and the tiredness during the final leg of his race. Lastly, I want to say that this book was very inspiring to me, as someone who is currently applying to PhD programs in my late twenties. Seeing someone else accomplish this feat later in life after going through so many difficulties and doing it while raising children really helps me to feel more confident in pursuing this endeavor.

[Mitch · Rating 4 out of 5]

Actual rating = 4.3

Turns out I'm a sucker for well-written running memoir. Thompson can write. He's also had one hell of a life. While I'm sure he tried to paint himself as objectively as possible, I can't help but feel for his wife and family during the really bad days. I'm sure he had redeeming qualities, even in the throes of addiction and depression. But damn, what a turnaround.

The memoir did not make me want to become an ultramarathoner, but I respect the role running can play in someone's life as a "replacement drug." The book delves into Zen Buddhism as well, and the combo between running and the mindfulness practice Thompson undertakes yields incredible results.

This book made me feel deeply, and there were times I could not understand how this writer had emerged from the depths. It's a good reminder that death is the only permanent thing and we have the power to change our circumstances (not always by strong-arming it, but starting with being open to change in the first place).

Now, I feel like I've read all of the "good" running books. What else is out there? I'm a snob; I need craft, not just autobiography that could be written by ChatGPT.

[Chad Alexander Guarino da Verona · Rating 5 out of 5]

A harrowing tale of madness, addiction, and eventual solace and recovery through (ultra)running. JM Thompson juxtaposes scenes from a 200 mile ultramarathon he is participating in with flashbacks of his traumatic childhood, wayward young adulthood, and eventual descent into the abyss of depression as he attempts suicide and is admitted to a psych ward. It's a brutally honest memoir: Thompson pulls no punches in his depictions of his family, his own poor decision making, and drug usage. The reader is dragged into the darkness with the author as he stuggles to find hope while his mind actively rebels against life. It all seems overwhelming until Thompson finds himself born anew on the trail, concentrating only on the next step forward, and the next, and the next.

**I was given a copy of this book by the publisher via NetGalley in exchange for an honest review. My thanks to Netgalley and HarperOne**

[Bree Taylor · Rating 4 out of 5]

I picked up this memoir at the library because the title interested me.

I checked it out because the idea of running as therapy is something that is close to my family.

I continued to read it despite the fact that it was all over the place. The switching back and forth between the author's 200 mile run around Lake Tahoe and his history was difficult at times to follow. And the planet names seemed to try to hard to tie the whole thing together.

I continued to read it because the prose is beautiful. And I felt myself laughing out loud at his descriptions of ultras.

The story that Thompson tells is fascinating. And he is courageous enough to bare himself to the world as both an ultrarunner and a psych patient. It's a tough road to meander.

[Hannah H. · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is phenomenally authentic and profound in the ways that Thompson, the author, narrates his personal journey. The reader sees where Thompson came from even as he is figuring that out along his way. Through various mental health struggles, he comes to understand how identity exists outside of history and what we are born into. I found the book both refreshing and well-written. The end was a little slow for me. Yet, I loved the lack of closure that it ended with; that is life, raw and real life.

This book was hardly about running. It was more so about the journey of one man, narrated in the context of an ultramarathon. So whether you are a runner or not, I think you'll enjoy this read.

[Jeni · Rating 4 out of 5]

The way this book was written was so very interesting. The focus is on one of the ultra-marathons Thompson has run, but his mental health experiences and history of trauma are interwoven throughout the run. The way this is done is almost stream of consciousness. The result is a feeling of working through something physically demanding, feeling at the end of your ability, and having memories and thoughts randomly pop into one's head. Thompson's descriptions of suicidal ideation and the state of mind someone is in when suicidal was spot on. A very difficult read that took me a while to work through, but also very deep and thought provoking.

[Alexandra · Rating 5 out of 5]

*Thank you to NetGalley and the publisher for providing an ARC of this book in exchange for an honest review!!*

As a ultra runner, I was estatic to get my hands on this book! Just like an ultra marathon itself, this book takes you on a journey. There's ups and there's downs but this memoir never bored me. His writing was absolutely beautiful and I loved the focus on mental health and how running helped saved him. Even if you are not a runner, I think this is such a beautiful story and great writing, that I would highly recommend it!

[Angie Manrique · Rating 1 out of 5]

I am an avid distance runner and love reading memoirs about runners and their stories about why they became a runner and their journey throughout life.
Unfortunately this book didn't do it for me. I found myself more entertained with the race itself he was completing. I didn't understand his psych aspect and he utilized too many "big words" for me to simply read a story about someone's life. Just wasn't for me. Maybe I am not diverse enough in my vocabulary to appreciate a well written story but this didn't do it.

[Ian Allan · Rating 1 out of 5]

I'm a runner. I've done five marathons and about a dozen half marathons. So I had some interest in hearing about this guy running races of 100 and 200 miles.

There were a few observations in the initial setup that were interesting, about race difficulty being exponential. That is, the a marathon isn't twice as difficult as a half marathon; it's 4 or 5 times as difficult.

But then the author started recapping his entire life, and I didn't find it to be interesting. I'm about 40 percent of the way through and am pulling the plug.

[jaga · Rating 5 out of 5]

RAW. HEARTBREAKING. INSPIRING. BEAUTIFUL. Thompson is so eloquent in the telling of his story, capturing the details in extraordinary detail and vivid imagery. That story, while absolutely heartbreaking at times, is instructive for so many of us in coming to terms with our own challenges and helping those around us who may be struggling. I particularly appreciate how Thompson addresses the need for professionals to see their patients as human beings, treat them fairly, and appropriately sharing their own story is part of that.

[Lauren · Rating 4 out of 5]

“Suppose you hate the color purple, said the psychologist in the video we watched. Her name was Marsha Linehan. Your house is being painted. You come home- guess what color it is. But what are you going to do? Now you have a purple house. Suck it up, buttercup. Accept it. That doesn't mean you have to like it. But there it was. You remember your old house, before it was purple. You picture the new house, the way you wanted it to be. But no amount of remembering or wishing would ever turn the ruined house in the present into the nonexistent house you yearned to live in.”

[Brittney Schwan · Rating 4 out of 5]

It really hit home for me reading what he went through with his depression and substance abuse and found his solace and peace in running. I haven't suffered from his afflictions but I found my peace in running after suffering the loss of my best friend and sister so I can understand that finding an outlet for your mental health, I'm nowhere near an ultramarathoner like he is but everything he described as he took on the 200 mile ultramarathon I empathized with him. It was a good read that touched my heart, if you're a runner you'll understand what he conveys in his memoir.

[Steve Tripp · Rating 4 out of 5]

As a recent entrant to the runners club I wondered what drove people to run ultra marathons. Figured this book might give me some insight. I think it did ... but the book is much much more. It's layered backdrop for a journey into journey into mental illness and recovery. Well told, with a good balance between insightful comment and interesting stories. Great to listen to while you run (or walk).

[Melissa dixon · Rating 3 out of 5]

Wow- this was not what I expected, clearly the USA has different standards to OZ. Where is the warning "this book has suicide themes and may be confronting... "? Any who, it was squirmish at times and I am so glad the author found running and so many other wonderful people and career. The trip of the authors life and the scenery of Lake Tahoe were both very interesting. I would love to see Lake Tahoe, thank you for your (too) honest (sometimes) story.