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Thriving in Relationships When You Have OCD: How to Keep Obsessions and Compulsions from Sabotaging Love, Friendship, and Family Connections
Don’t let OCD be the third wheel in your relationships! This practical guide will help you build and nurture the connections you deserve. If you have obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), you may seek constant reassurance from others, lose time to compulsions, struggle with unwanted thoughts and intense emotions, or act out in ways that are ineffective. These symptoms can put a major strain on your relationships—whether it’s with family, friends, partners, or other relationships. And you may feel alone, embarrassed, and ashamed of your symptoms, which can lead to further withdrawal and social isolation. So, how can you reduce the impact of OCD on your relationships? Drawing on evidence-based practices grounded in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), exposure and response prevention therapy (ERP), acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT), and mindful self-compassion, psychologist Amy Mariaskin offers a comprehensive guide for managing your toughest symptoms—before they hijack your relationships. With this book, you’ll find hands-on skills to move toward what you truly want in your relationships and strengthen feelings of intimacy, trust, and connectedness. And finally, you’ll learn how to cultivate self-compassion, mindfulness, and curiosity—all while challenging the beliefs and behaviors that keep you feeling stuck in isolation. If you’re tired of OCD sabotaging your relationships, this book will help you take control of your symptoms—and your life.
200 pages, Paperback
Published December 1, 2022
45 people are currently reading
262 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 20 of 20 reviews
September 15, 2023
3.5ish — helpful and interesting!
June 10, 2024
I picked this book up at some point between December of 2023 and January of 2024. I was going through a really rough patch in a romantic relationship, wherein both me and the other person I was with had pretty severe anxiety disorders, although neither of us had official OCD diagnoses. I read this book, along with many others, as part of an aggrandized mission to research how healthy relationships work, so that I could save OUR relationship.
...Needless to say, this book didn't really help me achieve my goal in the way I hoped it would. For anyone who has read it, I'm sure you understand why.
Nor, frankly, did I achieve that goal at all. Me and this person I was dating broke up in February. I was about 80% of the way through the book at that point in time, but I put it down and did not finish reading it until today.
Here are some of my takeaways.
I do have OCD traits, although I do not have a diagnosis and am not sure I would fit the criteria for diagnosis. I may or may not ever seek an official diagnosis. I’ve discussed traits of OCD with my therapist before, and it’s been helpful, but since I am in treatment for Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and my OCD traits are not severe, we’ve agreed that treatment for my anxiety is helping sufficiently.
A lot of the way I behaved in my romantic relationship was symptomatic of the larger way that I have handled my anxiety ever since I can remember. My desire to fix my significant other's problems, figure out how to help them handle their anxiety, and use that knowledge to save our romantic relationship... that approach was unproductive. None of my research helped to save our romantic relationship, in the end. And furthermore, obsessing over the past and combing over the details of what happened between us is not a useful way to determine whether or not I could have taken a certain course of action that would have been guaranteed to save that relationship. Trying to know, with certainty, if I COULD have saved our relationship with any particular action... that's impossible. I cannot ever know what would have happened if I had done things differently. The only thing I can do is recognize how my choices affected the both of us, and decide if I want to behave differently in future situations—no matter how those future situations end, and with the recognition that I can't guarantee any particular outcome.
I'm tempted, even now, to re-read this book and analyze our entire relationship through its lens, but that's not really the point of the book. I will probably read it again at some point, sure, but this time hopefully through the lens of understanding myself better and understanding the condition of OCD in general--and maybe gaining a little bit of compassion for my younger self and the person I was dating at the time, and the way we dealt the best we could with the circumstances we were in. Not trying to imagine how I could have "fixed" another person's problems or how I could have "fixed" myself.
So many of my worst anxieties were reflected in this book and are considered NORMAL parts of this mental disorder—and the practical tools in this book are excellent supplements to what I have learned in therapy whilst treating my official diagnoses. I see a panorama of some of my loneliest moments in the symptoms that the author describes in this book, and it's good to know I am not alone. It's good to know that there will be other romantic relationships, other platonic relationships, where I can continue using positive skills I've gained and practice more compassion. I am stronger than I think I am—and even when some of my fears do come true, I have resources to handle the consequences, and I have skills to manage my reactions to my emotions. If there is one thing that falling in love taught me, it is that sometimes it's worthwhile to step out of your comfort zone and be brave. Sometimes it's worthwhile to take risks that might not end well. Because even in situations that don't end well, sometimes the experience is worth having—the joyful, the painful, and everything in between.
...Needless to say, this book didn't really help me achieve my goal in the way I hoped it would. For anyone who has read it, I'm sure you understand why.
Nor, frankly, did I achieve that goal at all. Me and this person I was dating broke up in February. I was about 80% of the way through the book at that point in time, but I put it down and did not finish reading it until today.
Here are some of my takeaways.
I do have OCD traits, although I do not have a diagnosis and am not sure I would fit the criteria for diagnosis. I may or may not ever seek an official diagnosis. I’ve discussed traits of OCD with my therapist before, and it’s been helpful, but since I am in treatment for Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and my OCD traits are not severe, we’ve agreed that treatment for my anxiety is helping sufficiently.
A lot of the way I behaved in my romantic relationship was symptomatic of the larger way that I have handled my anxiety ever since I can remember. My desire to fix my significant other's problems, figure out how to help them handle their anxiety, and use that knowledge to save our romantic relationship... that approach was unproductive. None of my research helped to save our romantic relationship, in the end. And furthermore, obsessing over the past and combing over the details of what happened between us is not a useful way to determine whether or not I could have taken a certain course of action that would have been guaranteed to save that relationship. Trying to know, with certainty, if I COULD have saved our relationship with any particular action... that's impossible. I cannot ever know what would have happened if I had done things differently. The only thing I can do is recognize how my choices affected the both of us, and decide if I want to behave differently in future situations—no matter how those future situations end, and with the recognition that I can't guarantee any particular outcome.
I'm tempted, even now, to re-read this book and analyze our entire relationship through its lens, but that's not really the point of the book. I will probably read it again at some point, sure, but this time hopefully through the lens of understanding myself better and understanding the condition of OCD in general--and maybe gaining a little bit of compassion for my younger self and the person I was dating at the time, and the way we dealt the best we could with the circumstances we were in. Not trying to imagine how I could have "fixed" another person's problems or how I could have "fixed" myself.
So many of my worst anxieties were reflected in this book and are considered NORMAL parts of this mental disorder—and the practical tools in this book are excellent supplements to what I have learned in therapy whilst treating my official diagnoses. I see a panorama of some of my loneliest moments in the symptoms that the author describes in this book, and it's good to know I am not alone. It's good to know that there will be other romantic relationships, other platonic relationships, where I can continue using positive skills I've gained and practice more compassion. I am stronger than I think I am—and even when some of my fears do come true, I have resources to handle the consequences, and I have skills to manage my reactions to my emotions. If there is one thing that falling in love taught me, it is that sometimes it's worthwhile to step out of your comfort zone and be brave. Sometimes it's worthwhile to take risks that might not end well. Because even in situations that don't end well, sometimes the experience is worth having—the joyful, the painful, and everything in between.
August 10, 2023
Informative, thoughtful, compassionate, and also laugh out loud funny at times. What more could you ask for in a book about OCD?
February 11, 2024
humbug!!
March 15, 2025
3.5 rounded up
January 6, 2024
I feel sad reading reviews of this where people talk about their disease, disorder. It bothers me, greatly. I understand that diagnosis can be empowering, illuminating, and can open up doors for opportunities, financial security, recovery narrative, support, medication, yet it saddens me to see people talk that way about themselves after going through all that process.
The cover illustration and blurb make me think of the classic
Twitter Handle: Notorious d.e.b. @debihope
Timestamp: 12:23 PM – 24 Jan 2010:
"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes."
Ed: completed the Kindle sample. Ah. The author is writing from a lived/living experience perspective + from that of a clinical authority.
My hunch is, based on the omissions of key developmental figures in the acknowledgements, her incredibly brief sketch of herself as a distressed child, jump to objective attachment theory, and her emphasis on doing hard self-work in order to cultivate healthy relationships, she's weeded out those who she couldn't thrive around, or they died, perhaps.
Perhaps she goes on to describe this in the book, but I doubt it.
That's OK. From watching a Youtube video with her she seems like a person people would feel comfortable talking with. The aim of connecting those who feel alone with their mental and emotional experiences is a worthy one.
It's a shame that she doesn't make the assholes disclaimer, though, hence the one star off. The lack of carefully making the reader aware of the 'necessarily' individual-as-diseased clinical psych perspective inherent in the approach - this is deeply problematic for me.
Certainly it's not possible to change anyone else, especially not the kind of people in a family system who pathologise an individual and not themselves, despite the fact systems change is necessary for that sick individual to ever thrive within it.
Sure, individual tools, that's how individual clinical psych works, yet I imagine a toxic family member giving this book as a gift to the typical American with no means to access mental health professionals ocd sufferer, what then? How useful is it going to be?
Perhaps a book can authentically be both clinical (I'm the expert in this soft science, telling you how to fix your problems) perspective and peer-to-peer (discovering together, no expert advice, purposeful disclosure) but this, judging by the gushing forward, and her introduction chapter, isn't that.
'One of the highlights of my career has been helping people with obsessive-compulsive disorder. People with OCD are courageous, incredibly smart, and mind-blowingly creative and witty. Simply put, they are my kind of people. During their OCD treatment, clients often come to the session with a dilemma about one of their relationships. Maybe the difficulty is with a friend, family member, roommate, colleague, or intimate partner. They report feeling unsure of how to handle specific relationship situations because, in the past, their OCD has been 100 percent in the driver’s seat, reminding them of the many “possible” scary outcomes that could occur. OCD has also been their rulemaker, forcing them to act only in response to fear, doubt, and uncertainty. But now that they are determined to overcome their OCD, they must find another way. In these cases, I ask, “What would you do in this situation if anxiety or uncertainty was not present?” This is such a magical question!...
'As I read over this manuscript, I found myself excitedly nodding my head and whispering, “Yesss!” and “Thank you, Amy, for including that important point.” Dr. Mariaskin consistently provides practical and actionable advice in a world where relationship advice can be extreme and counterproductive. While there are some wonderful resources out there for managing relationships, many authors forget that being in a relationship, especially while having OCD, requires a balanced and nuanced approach. We rarely ever thrive when we live in the black and white, and Amy teaches us how to live and thrive in our relationships while making room for the gray (uncertainty, fear, and doubt). Her advice is fundamental for OCD recovery and can help you go on to embrace a wide variety of enriching and values-based relationships.'
—Kimberley Quinlan, LMFT Author of The Self-Compassion Workbook for OCD and founder of CBTschool.com
(Drily) not a Collingwood Magpies fan, obviously.
But the author seems like a nice person and I'm glad she recovered enough to find vocation in trying to connect those living with ocd experiences and help alleviate suffering.
The cover illustration and blurb make me think of the classic
Twitter Handle: Notorious d.e.b. @debihope
Timestamp: 12:23 PM – 24 Jan 2010:
"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes."
Ed: completed the Kindle sample. Ah. The author is writing from a lived/living experience perspective + from that of a clinical authority.
My hunch is, based on the omissions of key developmental figures in the acknowledgements, her incredibly brief sketch of herself as a distressed child, jump to objective attachment theory, and her emphasis on doing hard self-work in order to cultivate healthy relationships, she's weeded out those who she couldn't thrive around, or they died, perhaps.
Perhaps she goes on to describe this in the book, but I doubt it.
That's OK. From watching a Youtube video with her she seems like a person people would feel comfortable talking with. The aim of connecting those who feel alone with their mental and emotional experiences is a worthy one.
It's a shame that she doesn't make the assholes disclaimer, though, hence the one star off. The lack of carefully making the reader aware of the 'necessarily' individual-as-diseased clinical psych perspective inherent in the approach - this is deeply problematic for me.
Certainly it's not possible to change anyone else, especially not the kind of people in a family system who pathologise an individual and not themselves, despite the fact systems change is necessary for that sick individual to ever thrive within it.
Sure, individual tools, that's how individual clinical psych works, yet I imagine a toxic family member giving this book as a gift to the typical American with no means to access mental health professionals ocd sufferer, what then? How useful is it going to be?
Perhaps a book can authentically be both clinical (I'm the expert in this soft science, telling you how to fix your problems) perspective and peer-to-peer (discovering together, no expert advice, purposeful disclosure) but this, judging by the gushing forward, and her introduction chapter, isn't that.
'One of the highlights of my career has been helping people with obsessive-compulsive disorder. People with OCD are courageous, incredibly smart, and mind-blowingly creative and witty. Simply put, they are my kind of people. During their OCD treatment, clients often come to the session with a dilemma about one of their relationships. Maybe the difficulty is with a friend, family member, roommate, colleague, or intimate partner. They report feeling unsure of how to handle specific relationship situations because, in the past, their OCD has been 100 percent in the driver’s seat, reminding them of the many “possible” scary outcomes that could occur. OCD has also been their rulemaker, forcing them to act only in response to fear, doubt, and uncertainty. But now that they are determined to overcome their OCD, they must find another way. In these cases, I ask, “What would you do in this situation if anxiety or uncertainty was not present?” This is such a magical question!...
'As I read over this manuscript, I found myself excitedly nodding my head and whispering, “Yesss!” and “Thank you, Amy, for including that important point.” Dr. Mariaskin consistently provides practical and actionable advice in a world where relationship advice can be extreme and counterproductive. While there are some wonderful resources out there for managing relationships, many authors forget that being in a relationship, especially while having OCD, requires a balanced and nuanced approach. We rarely ever thrive when we live in the black and white, and Amy teaches us how to live and thrive in our relationships while making room for the gray (uncertainty, fear, and doubt). Her advice is fundamental for OCD recovery and can help you go on to embrace a wide variety of enriching and values-based relationships.'
—Kimberley Quinlan, LMFT Author of The Self-Compassion Workbook for OCD and founder of CBTschool.com
(Drily) not a Collingwood Magpies fan, obviously.
But the author seems like a nice person and I'm glad she recovered enough to find vocation in trying to connect those living with ocd experiences and help alleviate suffering.
January 2, 2023
Obsessive compulsive disorder can wreak havoc in an individual’s life and negatively impact relationships and overall functioning. This book provides important information on how to not allow OCD to impact your relationships. It provides examples, explanations and worksheets for assignments to work through the exercises. The book is broken down into separate chapters that assist the individual with different relationships as they related to OCD; including: friendships, romantic relationships, family, roommates, parenting, and work colleagues. All different types of relationships are covered which is vital. This book is easy to read and the strategies provided are helpful and there is a lot of guidance provided so that the reader can participate in the exercises and worksheets. I highly recommend this book to anyone suffering from OCD or anyone that has a relationship with someone with OCD. Thank you the publisher and NetGalley for the advance review copy in exchange for my honest review.
January 28, 2023
This is a book I never knew so many of my clients needed. It fills a gap in the literature about OCD. Not only does it educate about the types of OCD but it differs from so many other books out there by focusing on how OCD impacts relationships. Where many books are written about how to help a family member when they have OCD, this is written for the sufferer. It helps suffers learn how to thrive instead of just survive in the many relationships they encounter throughout their lives. I love that the author uses the phrase “OC Normal”. It’s a concept that I share with clients to help them feel less isolated.
As a therapist who integrates ACT into my practice, I loved seeing Dr. Mariaskin include so much about values, asking readers to connect with what matters most to them to help them figure out what work they would be willing to do. There are so many useful exercises included in the book.
I highly recommend this book to both sufferers and therapists who treat OCD.
As a therapist who integrates ACT into my practice, I loved seeing Dr. Mariaskin include so much about values, asking readers to connect with what matters most to them to help them figure out what work they would be willing to do. There are so many useful exercises included in the book.
I highly recommend this book to both sufferers and therapists who treat OCD.
December 13, 2022
Ever wonder what is "OCD normal" when it comes to relationships? Family, friends, romantic? How does the OCD mind react?
Thriving in Relationships When You Have OCD is a great look into what is OCD normal. This book gives explanations, examples, worksheets and even "homework" assignment to use if you find them helpful. The book breaks relationships down into categories and focused each section on a different realtionsnship found in most people's daily lives.
If you are looking for an addition to your OCD books, this book is the book to grab. It takes a look at an area of life for people with OCD that, up to this point, had not been discussed. Finally, I would like to thank NetGalley and New Harbinger Publishing for providing this ARC for my honest review.
Thriving in Relationships When You Have OCD is a great look into what is OCD normal. This book gives explanations, examples, worksheets and even "homework" assignment to use if you find them helpful. The book breaks relationships down into categories and focused each section on a different realtionsnship found in most people's daily lives.
If you are looking for an addition to your OCD books, this book is the book to grab. It takes a look at an area of life for people with OCD that, up to this point, had not been discussed. Finally, I would like to thank NetGalley and New Harbinger Publishing for providing this ARC for my honest review.
January 27, 2023
An excellent resource for OCD sufferers, their friends, and family members. The author makes a point of being inclusive of different types of relationships - was I expecting to have to read something to the effect of "OCD - it impacts dads too!" in the parenting chapter, or have the examples shared in the romantic relationships or sex chapters be exclusively heterosexual? Yes. But Amy proved me wrong!
The content is accessible, with a good mix of theory and practical exercises. I also laughed out loud a few times! No small feat for a book about a mental illness I live with! Great read, goes on my shelf right next to Grayson.
The content is accessible, with a good mix of theory and practical exercises. I also laughed out loud a few times! No small feat for a book about a mental illness I live with! Great read, goes on my shelf right next to Grayson.
June 15, 2023
This was a thoughtfully written and thoroughly researched book that offered a broad scope of how OCD affects different aspects of life. However, it felt like the book was trying to address too much and no one section received the level of depth that would have been helpful. Some good ideas and good questions in here, but not enough specific strategies. Still, this is a book that would be especially helpful for folks just learning about how to address their OCD.
February 18, 2025
I honestly couldn’t finish this. It started off really informative and then turned into a therapist session with activities, which is not what I was wanting. I wanted it to be more informational than it was. I started to get really freaked out by some of the examples, which is ultimately why I couldn’t read it anymore.
April 22, 2025
I mourn my late diagnosis all the time. This book was helpful, but too upbeat and superficial. The OCD-Normal terminology feels kind of silly to me as well but it’s all semantics anyways. Still it is important that there is literature on relationships and OCD that isn’t necessarily relationship-OCD.
January 5, 2023
A wonderful resource for those struggling with obsessive/compulsive symptoms or anxiety… or for those wanting to support loved ones struggling! Dr. Amy’s compassion and sense of humor shine through each page.
June 10, 2023
IF YOU HAVE OCD READ THIS BOOK!
It's pretty straightforward yet amazing; the exercises provided in this book were super helpful to me, and I have seen an improvement in my relationships, as well as on the understanding of my disease.
It's pretty straightforward yet amazing; the exercises provided in this book were super helpful to me, and I have seen an improvement in my relationships, as well as on the understanding of my disease.
March 7, 2023
4,5/5 ⭐️
Un livre complet et lucide sur le OCD et les façons de minimiser ses impacts sur nos relations. Ça m'a donné pleins d'outils concrets et de pistes de réflexion/discussion. J'ai adoré!
Un livre complet et lucide sur le OCD et les façons de minimiser ses impacts sur nos relations. Ça m'a donné pleins d'outils concrets et de pistes de réflexion/discussion. J'ai adoré!
March 16, 2023
Quick and easy preface to getting a better handle on your relationship based symptoms.
November 18, 2023
highhhhly recommend even if you don’t experience ocd! still would be super helpful for folks who deal with anxiety especially interpersonal anxiety
June 16, 2024
This was so so helpful to me, I have r-ocd along with classic OCD and this made me feel so much less alone and less crazy.
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July 22, 2024helpful
Displaying 1 - 20 of 20 reviews